141 - Dolores Umbridge vs. Agatha Trunchbull (feat. Natasha Winters and Marissa Bond)

The eighth annual Cagematch arrives in your podcatcher as the legends foretold! 

Cagemas is a time for family, a time for self-reflection, and a time for watching an ill-advised amount of Nicholas Cage movies in an artificially compressed amount of time. To honor this spirit, Kit got us all to explore the whimsical version of Arizona that is Raising Arizona and H.I. McDunnough's nebulously Southern accent. MeganBob asked what a job is really worth and to quietly consider whether or not Shirley MacLaine can get it with Guarding Tess. Claire dragged us into the topsy-turvy meta-narrative of The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent (and if you haven't had the chance yet to say nouveau shamanic acting, do yourself a favor and say it, just as a little treat.) And finally, Smash Fiction cousin, Kris Newton,  busted in with Willy's Wonderland bringing us a character that's all efficiency, no chat, and possessed with the most devoted relationship to pinball yet committed to film. 

Our other Smash Fiction cousin, Hub, presides over the madness as we throw mashed potatoes at each other and kick each other under the table. But deep down, the true spirit of Cagemas is celebrating the perpetual kaleidoscope of strangeness that is the career of Nic Cage and sharing in that strangeness together. So, come on in, pull up a seat, and feel the warm glow of Cagemas love! 

Merry Cagemas, gentle listeners, and welcome to the seventh annual Cage Match, presented by the largely (but not entirely) defunct Smash Fiction podcast! Four Nicolas Cage characters are set to do battle for the title of World Heavyweight Cage, and these particular Cages are among the most wretched and tragic in the notoriously eccentric actor's oeuvre!

Has Kit finally found a Cage worthy of their strange devotion in the form of Johnny from Zandalee? Is Miles' somehow even more nihilistic interpretation of Pig enough to turn a chef into a champion? Can Claire actually remember what happened in Prisoners of the Ghostland? And will MeganBob fall from grace in defense of Seth from City of Angels, or soar to new heights on gilded wings? Or, you know, just start shipping everyone?

Special guest judge Kris Newton presides as the SmashFic crew comes together once again to celebrate friendship, good cheer, and of course, bullshit. Cage bless us, every one!

Good news everyone! There are more Hard Choices episodes waiting for you right now on the Hard Choices feed! You should be able to locate it on all the podcatchers. Here's the one for Apple, if that's your bag! If you have any troubles locating Hard Choices in your podcatcher, just hit me up @meganbobness on Twitter or in the Smash Fiction Fan Faction on Facebook. There's also a Patreon if you want even more and you want it now! 

Now, if you're Hard Choices curious, but not sure if it's for you, give this a quick listen because I'm going to try and pitch you on why it's worth a shot. 

You're great and I'm so dang grateful for all of your support! 

Boners assemble! It's time to rank the fuckability of the Marvel Cinematic Universe and the team of Claire, Kit, and Dan Mulkerin, along with MeganBob, are ready to romance one of the most expansive franchises in modern history. In their quest to find the median of fuckability, you'll learn more about robot sex than you ever thought you'd need to know, more about our hosts than ever before, and perhaps an answer to the question of just how exactly does the Hulk smash. So, grab your best spandex outfit and climb aboard the helicarrier for a ride that you'll never forget. 

Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!):

https://uppbeat.io/t/soundroll/funk-me
License code: PY3X4XBA59ZDUAVZ

https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/funky-junk
License code: KIXMIV9S2VDVUHLW

https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-gentleman
License code: UWXG3BXPCASTYIHY

https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/lets-get-it
License code: MGTNINNDEXYJBAZQ

https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/high-life
License code: GE9B1XIV9R1VKMML

https://uppbeat.io/t/doug-organ/boogie-time
License code: QOVELAYOE1SDZQ4Y

https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-brighton-bop
License code: VWDJ4C60GOAIPACW

The second installment of Hard Choices is on the viewscreen and it’s a doozy. Join Miles Schneiderman and Ensign MeganBob, along with special guests Sharon Schneiderman and Kris Newton, as they beam aboard the USS Horny to bone where no podcast has dared to bone before. The show sets a course to discover the median of fuckability in the 90s Star Trek universe and learns a lot about our crew members along the way. So, put on your best jumpsuit and head to the holodeck for some quality hot takes on the Star Trek characters you grew up with. 

Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!):

https://uppbeat.io/t/soundroll/funk-me
License code: PY3X4XBA59ZDUAVZ

https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/funky-junk
License code: KIXMIV9S2VDVUHLW

https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-gentleman
License code: UWXG3BXPCASTYIHY

https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/lets-get-it
License code: MGTNINNDEXYJBAZQ

https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/high-life
License code: GE9B1XIV9R1VKMML

https://uppbeat.io/t/doug-organ/boogie-time
License code: QOVELAYOE1SDZQ4Y

https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-brighton-bop
License code: VWDJ4C60GOAIPACW

Welcome to Smash Fiction Presents: Hard Choices, a podcast appearing approximately whenever the mood strikes and guaranteed to explore new vistas of horniness! In this episode, Miles Schneiderman, Kit Mulkerin, MeganBob, and special guest Katrina Ehrnman-Newton rank the fuckability of 21 notable Lord of the Rings characters in an attempt to uncover who is the median most fuckable character in the LOTR universe. Turn down the torchlight, stuff your pipe with the finest weed in the Southfarthing, and get ready for some big feelings (the ones that really matter) in this sensual journey that Tolkien would absolutely never have approved of.

Music and sound credit to:

"Long Road Ahead", "Light Sting", "Der Kleber Sting," "Hero Theme," "In The West"
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.filmmusic.io)
License: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license

It's been awhile, old friend, but Smash Fiction could never let go of that most sacred of holiday traditions, the Cagemas match. Gather around and let us spin you a tale of some Cages, a Cage Match arena, a man named Ebenezer, and the spirit of Cagemas that lives within us all. 

In this episode, Dan gives Spider Man Noir from Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse an opening argument that demands a standing ovation and Kit spills all the Alpaca dad knowledge on Nathan Gardner from Color Out of Space. But can Miles use his future sight to bring Cris Johnson from Next to victory? Can Liz make a hard left into Star Wars to secure a win for Wylie from Jiu Jitsu? Will MeganBob ever give us the recipe for a Cage Match winner while telling us all about Behmen von Bleibruck from Season of the Witch? 

Claire takes the reins in this Smash Fiction reunion show for the ages, so grab a warm drink and settle in for the Sixth Annual Cagemas Match! 

Back when we recorded the fiftieth and final episode of Extraordinary League, Claire prepared one of her Mordin songs just in case we introduced ourselves at the beginning, going with a riff on the main theme from the opera "Maria and Draco" from the game Final Fantasy VI. We ended up not doing the usual type of intro for League episode 50, but we decided we didn't want Claire's effort going to waste. Now that the bonus content has been added to the feed, this seemed like a fitting note to go out on. We love you, ohana!

Didn't feel right, not putting out a supercut of the last stretch of episodes on August 1st. Happy anniversary!

Everyone loves an encore, right?

Book, music, and lyrics by Claire Mulkerin, with assistance from Miles Schneiderman, Kit Mulkerin, Dan Mulkerin, Liz Logan, and Meganbob.