17: The Rules, as Told on Crack

21: Joshyboy Finishes Killing Everyone (And our Thoughts on That)
 // Joshua 20–24
 
Laura and Kiernan finish off the book of Joshua and reflect on the story so far, enjoying shared stories of christian experience, guilt, our thoughts on hell, and generally just being high while reflecting on what the fuck the Bible is   

In this episode:

• Laura and Kiernan review the basics of the southern Ash Wednesday and Lent experience 
• God reviews the Cities of Refuge & The Avenger of Blood™ 
• Kiernan and Laura develop additional canon for The Avenger of Blood™ 
• The Israelites divide up the conquered lands by drawing straws aka “casting lots”
• Kiernan and Laura discuss guilt, hell, a life of good, and a little bit of jesus

20: Joshyboy kills everyone
 // Joshua 9–19 

Laura and Kiernan are joined by special guest, Jared, as we follow Joshua and the gang on their divine quest to the promised land, to kill everyone and take Israel for themselves

In THIS episode: 

• Joshua takes The city of Ai with a pretty tactical Feint-Raze combo
• The Gibeonites pretended to be from a far away land and got a sneaky blessing
• Villain squad attacks the Gibeonites 
• God stops the sun so Joshyboy can fight back vs the villain squad all day
• Joshua kills all the kings
• Joshua kills all the kings even more
• Joshua divides the land he took amongst the tribes
• Caleb is in a tifffy cuz he was supposed to get a mountain
• Everyone gets land!

19: Joshyboy takes Jericho
 // Joshua 1-8 

Laura and Kiernan are joined by our Kart Gang homies on an exciting Camping-trip special. 

In this episode: 

• Moses is dead so Joshyboy is now the leader
• The Israelites are ready to conquer the promised land
• The first city we gotta capture is Jericho , a city with really big walls 
• Joshua sends spies to Jericho
• The Spies spend the night at a Brothel make friends with a sex worker named Rahab
• She helps them escape the Guards by hiding in her roof
• The spies escape
• Joshyboy has another round of circumsision for everyone
• The Israelites destroy the city walls through the power of yelling
• After destroying the city, The Israelites kill everyone except for Rahab the sex worker (and her family) 
• A couple of the Israelites steal some gold 
• they weren't supposed to do that and they get in trouble later
• The Hosts compare the difference between religion and just stanning Jesus
• Hail Satan

18: Moses dies at the Zaxyby's in Moab
// Deuteronomy 23 

Laura and Kiernan finish the Pentateuch with Moses finally sending the israelites on their way to conquer the promised land. 

In this episode: 

• Moses continues on the rules
• Rules of which races to kill or not kill
• Rules for holy war
• Rules for wet dreams (and/or night farts)
• Rules for husbands and wives
• God has Moses send 2 groups of people to different mountains, 
• One group to bless good things and the other to curse bad people
• Moses and God align on who to curse and who to bless
• There is a list of what the curses are 
• Laura tells us some facts about frogs
• There is a song to remember all the rules which Kiernan Parodies
• Moses blesses each tribe and Laura and Kiernan rate which are best

17: The Rules, as Told on Crack
 // Deut 11-20 

in the Deut-Deut episode Toot-Toot, we’ll be joining Moses and the gang, with Moses continuing to outline the rules and customs the Israelites should follow once they cross into the promised land and kill everyone.

• Moses continues to tell the israelites the rules  
• Moses says if the israelites follow the rules, they’ll get rain and prosper
• Moses reinforces the need and value of church dinners
• Kiernan and Laura reflect on church dinners from their past
• Kiernan and Laura re-state that we are against slavery
• Moses continues with rules including which animals are okay to eat
• Moses outlines the rules for passover
• Laura and Kiernan agree that Moses totally fucks and has eric andre chaotic energy
• Moses outlines rules for stoning people for trying different religions
• Moses outlines rules for burning down villages for trying different religions
• Moses hints that we may need a king soon but that the king will be picked by God and shouldn’t be like egyptian kings
• Moses outlines a list of rules in a variety of categories in a seemingly-random order 
• Moses says to sacrifice a cow if you can’t find the murder suspect,  take good care of people’s pets, you have to build parapets 
• Moses says don’t be wizards,  don’t leave corpses hanging everywhere,  don’t cross-dress, don’t diddle your stepmom, don't have an ox and donkey pull the same yoke
• Moses says if you lie about being a virgin or cheat on your spouse, you get stoned  (the bad kind)

16: On the Banks of the River Jussy
 // Deuteronomy 1–10

Kiernan, Laura, Moses, and the Israelites stand on the shores of the Jordan, and what do we do before we go conquer people? That’s right, 30 chapters of speeches! Let’s begin.

• The Israelites have reached the promised land
• Moses isn’t allowed to go to the promised land
• Moses recaps the journey so far, including which kingdoms we killed and didn’t kill
• One of the guys they killed had a giant bed
• Moses reminds the Israelites about the time a fire talked to them
• Moses reminds the Israelites about the commandment tablets 
• Moses gives some speeches about what to do next and how to live
• Moses reminds the Israelites about Egypt again
• Moses reminds the Israelites about the cool fire again
• Moses reviews the 10 commandments with the israelites 
• Moses reminds the Israelites that the voice of god is so powerful they could die from hearing it
• Moses reminds the Israelites about Egypt again
• Moses lists the different kingdoms where the Israelites are planning to kill everyone
• Moses reminds the israelites of all the times he lies on the ground pleading with God not to kill them all
• Moses reminds the Israelites about Egypt again
• Moses tells the Israelites to circumcise their hearts (?) for the lord

15: What happened at Midian?
 // Numbers 31–36 

In this episode, Kiernan and Laura try their real fuckind darndest to bring good vibes and healthy critical discussion into the end of the book of Numbers, where God asks Moses to do a genocide.

In This episode:

• Laura and Kiernan discuss the Salads that don't contain salad
• Use mayo instead of Butter on a Grilled Cheese, thank us later 
• The Israelites are fraternizing with the Midianites
• God is mad at them for that
• God tells Moses to kill all the Midianites
• The Israelites kill most of the Midianites but leave some women and children alive
• God is pissed because he said to kill ALL of them
• Moses divvies up millions of animals/slaves amongst the warriors and Israelites
• Reuben and Gad fail to communicate with Moses but then they figure it out   
• Moses outlines Refuge Cities where you can hide if you accidentally kill someone
• but the Avenger of Blood is gonna come try and get ya if you leave
• Kiernan and Laura talk candidly about what was successful in our church community growing up 
• The Israelites are ready to go raid Canaan and take the land
• But first, some speeches 

14: Moses gets Snaked and Replaced
 // Numbers 21-30

In this Episode, Laura and Kiernan Resume the story of Moses and the Israelites as they continue their journey to the promised land.

In this episode:

• Aaron is dead and the Israelites complain 
• God sends snakes to bite them
• The Israelites say they'll stop complaining
• God has Moses make a magic snake stick 
• The Illuminati
• The Israelites kill all the moabites
• A guy named Balaam can curse people and it comes true  
• A prince named Balaak wants Balaam to curse the Israelites
• But Balaam blesses em instead (cuz he ain't bout to fuck with God's peeps)
• Balaak wants Balaam to curse the Israelites again, but Balaam blesses em again
• Balaak wants Balaam to curse the Israelites again, but Balaam blesses em again again
• God wants Moses to pick a successor
• Moses picks Josh
• We learn about some festivals and rules for offerings that we already read about
• We insult the audience and go play Mario Kart
• Kiernan thanks the fried chicken people

13 It’s Raining Bread
 // Numbers 11–21 

It’s 420. Laura and Kiernan celebrate the only way we know how. by reading the 20th chapter of the 4th book of the b–yes we are nerds

• The people wander in the wilderness 
• It sucks
• The people complain
• The people want a paradise
• It rains bread
• Moses is sick of it all and wants to die
• God gives people visions
• God gives people quails
• Bitches dunk on moses cuz he meek
• Miriam gets: leprosy; exiled
• The people look for land
• The people question the direction of the project
• The people look for land
• Moses kills some randos picking up sticks cuz it’s the sabbath
• Kiernan and Laura agree to adopt a Goat
• A REBELLION!!!1!
• We need some water
• We killed Miriam?!?
• Moses strikes a stone and makes water
• God wants to sacrifice Aaron
• They sacrifice Aaron

12: Yah Like math?
 // Numbers 1-10 // 

Laura and Kiernan start Numbers - the NERD of the books of the bible. Originally given a name meaning “Wilderness,” Scholars have instead chosen its namesake due to its lanky mathematical word problems.

• Moses counts up everyone in the 12 tribes of israel - over 600,000 Men (They only count Men)
• Moses gives the DL on the floorplan for which cliques sit where for lunch
• Aaron’s sons die because they offered the wrong fire to the lord 
• God says he consecrated all Israelite Babies by murdering all the Egyptian Babies 
• God says Aaron’s tribe is the priests and the other Levites have different Priestly Jobs like taking care of the divine furniture, picture frames, drapes, and more
• God says sick people have to quarantine
• Laura and Kiernan Talk about the philosophy of the world ending
• God sets a new rule where if you steal something you have to pay it back and then 1/5 more
• Kiernan tells some stuff about how the previous name for this book meant “Wilderness” which was way better
• God checks up on Moses and reminds about the passover rules
• God makes a cloud and tells the Israelites to follow the cloud from now on