#466 - Matthew Fray - How To Avoid Destroying Your Relationship

Podcast Summary

• Subtle Endings in Relationships and Businesses: Relationships can end subtly due to neglect and lack of trust, communication, and personal growth. Businesses can reduce costs and improve efficiency by adopting a unified business management system like NetSuite.

  Relationships can end in subtle ways, without any major catastrophe. Matthew Frey, a relationship coach, shared his personal experience of his marriage ending due to small neglects, leading him to reflect on the importance of trust, communication, and personal growth. He emphasized that even good people can become bad spouses and that most divorces are initiated by women. Frey also highlighted the significance of setting life goals beyond happiness and emphasized the importance of resilience and self-protection in relationships. On a different note, businesses can also benefit from reducing costs and headaches by adopting a unified business management system like NetSuite. This cloud financial system consolidates accounting, financial management, inventory, and HR into one platform, ultimately reducing IT costs and improving efficiency.

• Small issues in relationships often go unaddressed, leading to erosion of trust: Effective communication is crucial in addressing small issues before they accumulate and harm relationships

  The majority of relationships do not end due to major deceit or traumatic events, but rather from small, seemingly insignificant issues that go unaddressed. These minor disagreements can accumulate over time, eroding trust and compromising the stability of the relationship. Men and women may have different perspectives on the same situation, leading to misunderstandings and unintended harm. It's essential to recognize these patterns and communicate effectively to prevent the accumulation of unresolved issues. The blame game, whether it's from the manosphere or feminist movements, doesn't help us understand the complexities of relationships and can hinder progress towards healthy communication and resolution.

• Perception Differences in Relationships: Misunderstandings in relationships can stem from differing perceptions between partners, leading to potential trust issues. Acknowledging these differences and communicating effectively can help resolve conflicts and strengthen bonds.

  Men and women perceive situations differently, leading to misunderstandings and potential trust erosion in relationships. An example given was the ambiguous act of leaving glasses on the sink, which could hold no significance for one person but be a major issue for another. This disconnect can result in conflict and feelings of disregard or insult. The speaker likens this to a hypothetical color blindness scenario, where two people could have an argument based on differing perceptions, each believing the other is intentionally misrepresenting reality. Understanding and acknowledging this fundamental difference can help dissolve conflict and foster trust in relationships. It's essential to remember that both parties are acting based on their unique perspectives, and neither is inherently wrong.

• Trust is crucial in relationships, surpassing love's importance: Recognize and address instances of disregard to maintain trust and a healthy relationship, or risk worsening the situation and eventual separation.

  Trust is a crucial element in relationships, surpassing the importance of love. Trust encompasses reliability, sustainability, and consistency. It's not just about not lying or cheating, but also respecting and valuing each other's thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Subtle instances of disregard, such as leaving a dish by the sink, can erode trust and intimacy over time. People may stay in relationships despite feeling disrespected, often due to fear or a belief that the relationship will only worsen. However, it's essential to recognize these moments and address them to maintain a healthy and thriving relationship. Failure to do so can lead to the prediction that the relationship will be worse in the future, eventually causing one partner to leave.

• Unintentional poor behavior in relationships: Recognize that good people can unintentionally behave poorly, fostering empathy, communication, and growth instead of blame.

  Good people can unintentionally behave poorly in relationships, leading to pain and dissolution. This concept applies to both men and women, and it's essential to recognize that character and intentions don't always align with actions and outcomes. Defensiveness in response to hurt only worsens the situation, preventing trust from being restored. The most common relationship endings might involve small, seemingly insignificant hurts that accumulate over time, creating a sense of disconnection and dissatisfaction. It's crucial for individuals to understand that these situations are not about assigning blame but about fostering empathy, communication, and growth.

• Learning to Validate Instead of Invalidating: Avoiding invalidation through correcting intellectual experiences, feelings, and defensiveness can prevent trust erosion and maintain healthy relationships.

  Trust and safety are essential pillars in relationships, and small unaddressed issues can accumulate over time and cause significant harm. It's crucial to learn how to validate instead of invalidate our partners' feelings, even if we disagree with their interpretations or reactions. The "invalidation triple threat" refers to three specific ways we can invalidate someone: correcting their intellectual experience, correcting their feelings, and being defensive. Avoiding these behaviors can help prevent trust erosion and maintain healthy relationships.

• Dismissing feelings can harm relationships: Acknowledging and validating someone's feelings strengthens relationships, while dismissing them can cause harm, even if unintended.

  Dismissing someone's feelings and insisting that they are wrong or overreacting can damage relationships, even if you believe you are right. Using the analogy of a father dismissing his child's fear of a monster under the bed, the speaker emphasizes that, even if there is no monster, the child still feels fear and needs comfort and validation. In relationships, when someone expresses pain or hurt, it's important to acknowledge their feelings and offer support, rather than trying to convince them that they are mistaken or that they should just "toughen up." This approach can help build trust and strengthen the bond between partners. The speaker also emphasizes that most people, including husbands, would never intentionally inflict harm on those they love, but dismissing their feelings can still cause harm to the relationship.

• Provide safety, validation, and understanding during challenging moments: Effective communication and emotional support are crucial for maintaining healthy relationships. Listen and validate emotions for women, acknowledge feelings and provide purpose for men.

  During challenging moments in our relationships, whether they be with our children or romantic partners, it's essential to provide a sense of safety, validation, and understanding instead of focusing on who's right or wrong. For women, this means listening and validating emotions, while for men, it means acknowledging their feelings and providing a sense of purpose and challenge. The speaker also shared a personal experience of losing her father-in-law and how their marriage ended due to a lack of emotional connection and understanding. This experience highlights the importance of effective communication and emotional support in maintaining healthy relationships. The speaker also mentioned the work of psychotherapist Adam Lane Smith, who emphasizes the importance of understanding and responding to our partners' emotional needs in order to build stronger bonds.

• Marriage Strain from Loss of Loved One: The loss of a loved one can put immense strain on a marriage, potentially leading to its breakdown. Recognizing and responding to your partner's needs during this difficult time is crucial.

  The sudden loss of a loved one and the resulting trauma and grief can put immense strain on a marriage, potentially leading to its breakdown. In the shared experience, the husband failed to recognize and respond to his wife's needs during this difficult time, ultimately contributing to her decision to leave. The loss of the marriage, in addition to the literal loss of loved ones, brought about a profound sense of shock and disorientation, as well as the realization of wasted time and dreams. The speaker acknowledges that this experience may not rank as the greatest loss for everyone, but for him, it represented a significant and devastating upheaval.

• The Importance of Small Moments in Relationships: Discovering the power of respect and addressing small moments can significantly improve relationships.

  The little things in relationships can have a significant impact on the overall health and longevity of the partnership. Matt, a divorce survivor, shared his experience of discovering this truth through his own journey of healing. He initially turned to writing as a way to process his feelings and eventually found an audience online. However, he soon realized that he didn't want to be another negative voice on the internet and instead committed himself to sharing vulnerable stories and insights to help others identify and address the subtle moments that can shape relationships. Matt also emphasized the importance of respect in a relationship, which he believed was essential for living a purposeful and meaningful life. He initially thought respect was something he was entitled to, but he eventually came to understand that it was earned through actions and attentiveness to the little things in the relationship. Ultimately, Matt's work is focused on helping men identify and address these small yet impactful moments to ensure their partners feel respected and happy.

• Navigating the Changing Dynamics of Modern Dating: Despite challenges, there are still many healthy and hopeful relationships being formed in the evolving dating landscape. Focusing on growth and connection is key.

  The current dating landscape is a complex and evolving situation, with many factors influencing the dynamics between genders. The speaker acknowledges that women have made significant strides in education and career advancement, but this has created new challenges for finding compatible partners. He also acknowledges that men may feel left behind in this new environment, leading to frustration and feelings of disrespect. However, the speaker remains hopeful, emphasizing that there are still many healthy and well-balanced women and men seeking meaningful relationships. He encourages a positive perspective, recognizing that the rules of the dating game have changed and that everyone is navigating this new terrain together. Ultimately, the speaker suggests that focusing on the hopeful aspects of relationships and the potential for growth and connection is the best approach.

• Focus on improving relationships and avoiding pitfalls: Maintain a hopeful attitude towards relationships, avoid defeatist mentality, learn principles and strategies, make informed partner selections, and accept responsibility for avoiding causing pain.

  Maintaining a hopeful and proactive attitude towards relationships is essential for personal growth and progress. Despite the challenges and complexities of modern dating, it's important to avoid a defeatist mentality and instead focus on learning principles and strategies to improve our relationships and avoid pitfalls. Men and women both have a responsibility to avoid causing pain to each other and to make informed partner selections. By accepting this responsibility and being proactive in our relationships, we can lead radically different and fulfilling lives.

• Our behavior shapes our relationships: Our actions and intentional dating can influence the longevity and depth of relationships. Be mindful of your behavior and consider its impact on others.

  We have significant influence over our relationships and should strive to be attractive and not unattractive to others. The speaker believes that our behavior plays a significant role in whether people want to be with us in the long term. He also discusses the idea of intentional dating, which can be seen as a deliberate and thoughtful approach to relationships. However, it's important not to be overly deliberate and to maintain presence and grace. The speaker shares a personal experience of feeling a guttural pull when someone he was once intimate with was with another man, even if he no longer had feelings for her. This feeling, he believes, is a natural part of human programming. Overall, the takeaway is that our actions and behavior have a significant impact on our relationships and should be considered carefully.

• Embracing Discomfort for Personal Growth: Understand that everyone processes relationship endings differently and that discomfort can lead to growth and change. Value and communicate effectively in relationships to build trust and maintain healthy connections.

  The experience of ending a relationship and moving on is subjective and can vary greatly between individuals. While some may take longer to process emotions and let go, others may be ready to move on more quickly. It's essential to understand that these differences in perspective and timelines are valid and that growth and change often stem from discomfort and the motivation to avoid repeating past mistakes. Additionally, it's crucial to value and understand the experiences and emotions of others, regardless of gender, and to communicate effectively to build trust and maintain healthy relationships. The discomfort of staying stagnant or in an unfulfilling situation can be more severe than the discomfort of making a change, even if that change is uncomfortable at first. Ultimately, personal growth and evolution require acknowledging and embracing discomfort and taking action towards positive change.

• Exploring the Female Experience in Dating: Considering the female perspective in dating is vital for effective communication and successful relationships. Men should understand the pressure to compete based on looks and the emotional labor involved in dating.

  Understanding the experiences and perspectives of the opposite sex can be crucial for effective communication and successful relationships. The discussion revolves around the works of Jeffrey Miller, a pioneer in the field of sexual selection and dynamics, and Tucker Max, who applied these concepts in real life. They emphasized the importance of men considering the female experience in the dating market, such as the pressure to compete based on looks and the emotional labor involved in dating. While some men may resist this perspective, focusing on personal responsibility for partner selection is essential for building healthy and intentional relationships.

• Prioritizing peace, contentment, and balance: Sanity and mental well-being are priceless, jeopardizing relationships harms overall happiness, and stable relationships provide a foundation for happiness.

  Optimizing for peace, contentment, and balance in life is more valuable than pursuing constant happiness. The speaker emphasizes that sanity and mental well-being are priceless, and that jeopardizing relationships, especially those in the home, can negatively impact one's life. The speaker, Matthew Frey, encourages individuals to prioritize their mental health and stable relationships, as they provide an essential foundation for overall happiness. He also invites listeners to engage in conversations about these topics on his website, matthewfray.com. The ultimate value of sanity and peace is infinite, and even the wealthiest individuals cannot buy them.