89. Why Won't They Stop Sending Cards?

Podcast Summary

• Early cookbook success brings excitement and fraudulence: Pinch of Nom's cookbook success exceeded expectations, causing mixed emotions of excitement and fraudulence, reminding Katie of her initial reaction to pregnancy

  The success of Pinch of Nom's latest cookbook, despite not being released yet, has surpassed their expectations, reaching the top 100 of all books on Amazon and number 1 in various categories. This early achievement brings excitement but also a sense of fraudulence due to the anticipation built up before the actual release. Katie and Helen feel a responsibility for the disappointment some people experience when they find out the book isn't out yet. The experience reminds Katie of her initial reaction to finding out she was pregnant, feeling both excitement and fear due to self-doubt and societal expectations. The success of the cookbook, like the pregnancy, brings a mix of emotions, but ultimately, it's a cause for celebration.

• Narcissistic parents' impact on our self-perception: Narcissistic parents' distorted views can limit our beliefs about our ability to love and succeed. Seek out safe relationships to challenge these beliefs and express emotions freely.

  Our fears and beliefs about ourselves, especially those instilled in us by narcissistic parents, can be inaccurate and limiting. The speaker's fear of not being able to love her children was a result of being labeled cold-hearted all her life. However, having children showed her the depth of her capacity for love and challenged the belief that she couldn't love. Narcissistic parents often project their own self-loathing onto their children, creating a distorted image of who they are. We only share our joys and accomplishments with safe people, as the speaker learned when someone close to her dismissed her excitement about her book. Narcissistic parents, on the other hand, stonewall and gaslight, causing us to doubt ourselves and our abilities. It's essential to recognize that these beliefs and fears may not reflect the truth and to seek out safe relationships where we can fully be ourselves and express our emotions.

• The absence of validation can make joy and achievement bittersweet: Validating emotions is crucial for emotional health, and withholding validation can lead to damaging relationships and feelings of grief and loss.

  The absence of celebration and recognition from certain people can make moments of joy and achievement even more painful. This is because when we experience love and support from others, it highlights the lack thereof from those who refuse to celebrate us. This can lead to feelings of validation seeking, gaslighting, and self-gaslighting. It's important to remember that these feelings are valid and to seek out healthy relationships where our emotions are validated and celebrated. The experience of joy and achievement can coexist with feelings of grief and loss, and it's essential to acknowledge and validate both. The narcissistic behavior of withholding celebration and validation can lead to silencing and further damage in relationships. It's crucial to recognize and challenge gaslighting and to start validating our own emotions as part of the healing process.

• Childhood trauma's impact on mental health in adulthood: Recognizing and addressing childhood traumas, setting healthy boundaries, and prioritizing self-care are crucial for mental health in adulthood.

  Childhood experiences, even those marked by emotional and psychological abuse, can significantly impact an individual's mental health in adulthood. The speaker's journey towards self-discovery began with therapy and the realization that her parents' abusive behaviors, though masked by societal norms, were harmful and detrimental. The speaker's father, a textbook narcissist, conditioned her to have no sense of self, while her mother's subtle yet insidious abuse made her feel unworthy and never good enough. The speaker's attempts to establish boundaries and prioritize her own well-being led to increased emotional abuse from her parents, culminating in her decision to go no contact. The process was validating and helped her make sense of the trauma she had endured. However, even after six months of freedom, her parents found ways to intrude, causing setbacks in her healing journey. Ultimately, the speaker's story highlights the importance of recognizing and addressing childhood traumas and the strength and resilience that comes from setting healthy boundaries and prioritizing one's own well-being.

• Narcissistic parents' attempts to maintain superiority: Despite strained relationships, narcissistic parents may send cards to appear as if trying to repair, but it's important for the child to prioritize self-care, set boundaries, and focus on healing.

  The sender's father's actions of sending cards on special occasions despite their strained relationship can be seen as a manifestation of his entitlement and disregard for the daughter's feelings. This behavior is a common tactic used by narcissistic parents to maintain a sense of superiority and to appear as if they are trying to repair the relationship, without taking accountability for their past actions. The daughter's healthy anger towards this situation is a natural response and can be processed through expressing it in a healthy way, such as writing about it, talking to a therapist, or finding supportive communities. It's important for her to prioritize her own emotional well-being and to set boundaries to protect herself from further harm. The cards do not reflect the current state of their relationship and should not be used as a measure of his attempts to make amends. Instead, she should focus on her own healing and finding ways to move forward.

• Gifts and Cards from Narcissists: More Than Meets the Eye: Narcissistic gifts and cards can be manipulative and abusive, causing doubt, fear, and anxiety. Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries is crucial.

  Receiving a seemingly innocuous gift or card from a narcissistic person can be a form of gaslighting and emotional abuse. It's not just a card or a gift; it's a passive-aggressive dig, a reminder of what you've lost, and an intrusion into your boundaries. Narcissists often use these gestures to maintain control over the narrative and manipulate the situation to their advantage. They may hand-deliver the card or gift to intimidate and assert their dominance. This behavior can cause the recipient to question their own reality and doubt their feelings, leading to a cycle of fear and anxiety. Healthy anger in response to such manipulation is appropriate, and it's essential to establish and maintain healthy boundaries to protect oneself from further emotional harm.

• Recognizing Narcissistic Behavior and Emotional Abuse: Narcissistic behavior involves grandiosity, entitlement, exploitation, impaired empathy, and lack of self-awareness. It's damaging and not acceptable, and emotional and psychological abuse should not be tolerated.

  Narcissistic behavior, as described in the textbook sense, involves grandiosity, entitlement, exploitation, impaired empathy, and a lack of self-awareness. This can manifest as a loud and flashy persona, where the individual seeks control and dominance, and views others as existing solely for their benefit. It's important to recognize this behavior as damaging and not accept it as "just the way they are." Emotional and psychological abuse, including neglect, is not acceptable and should not be tolerated. The speaker's experience of growing up in an emotionally and psychologically abusive home, with siblings normalizing the behavior, underscores the importance of recognizing and challenging abusive behavior.

• Denying Trauma and Enabling Abuse: Recognizing and confronting toxic behaviors, prioritizing self-care, and seeking support from safe individuals are crucial steps in breaking the cycle of abuse.

  It's difficult for those who have grown up in toxic family systems to acknowledge and address the harmful behaviors of their loved ones. The sisters in this discussion are denying their own trauma and refusing to recognize the abusive behavior of their parents towards the listener. Instead of supporting the truth speaker, they silence and suppress them, leading to punishment and abandonment. As adults, the sisters' behavior is their responsibility, and minimizing and dismissing toxic behavior only perpetuates the cycle of abuse. Those who align themselves with abusers are not safe allies, and leaving an abusive relationship can be risky, as one may face being labeled as the scapegoat and losing relationships. It's essential to recognize and confront toxic behaviors, prioritize self-care, and seek support from safe individuals.

• Using 'flying monkeys' to control and harm: Narcissists manipulate people into delivering messages or inflicting harm on victims, prioritizing their relationship over the victim's safety

  In abusive relationships, when direct communication is absent, the narcissist may use "flying monkeys" - people they manipulate and control to deliver messages or inflict harm on the victim. These individuals, often family members, are in an abusive relationship themselves and are coerced into delivering information or carrying out the narcissist's bidding to stay safe. However, they are choosing to prioritize their relationship with the narcissist over the victim's emotional and physical safety. It's essential for individuals in such situations to recognize their role as a flying monkey and consider whether they want to continue enabling the abusive dynamic.

• Understanding our role in perpetuating abusive dynamics: Recognize and address potential harm caused by sharing info about abusive relationships. Respect autonomy and boundaries, and protect yourself from enablers.

  It's important to recognize and address the potential harm caused by unintentionally perpetuating abusive dynamics in relationships, even if it's through sharing information. This can occur when we try to maintain peace and avoid confronting the reality of a dysfunctional situation. By asking ourselves why we might be comfortable being in the company of an abuser or why we feel compelled to share information, we can begin to understand the role we may be playing in the cycle of abuse. It's crucial to respect people's autonomy and boundaries, even if it means limiting the information we share or setting firm boundaries when asked. Additionally, if you find yourself in a situation where you're no contact with someone but still in contact with their enablers, be mindful of the information you share and protect yourself by only disclosing what you would be comfortable having broadcasted publicly. Overall, it's essential to acknowledge the complexities of these relationships and the potential consequences of our actions.

• Recognizing toxic behaviors in families: Label toxic behaviors, prioritize self-care, and set healthy boundaries to heal from emotional abuse in families.

  Emotional abuse can manifest in various ways, often with the perpetrators ramping up their abuse when victims attempt to set boundaries. This was evident in a listener's story shared on the podcast, where she tried to prioritize her marriage and personal life over her toxic family, only to face increased emotional abuse. The listener's experience highlights the importance of recognizing and labeling toxic behaviors, such as emotional abuse, parentification, and gaslighting. It also underscores the need for individuals to prioritize their well-being and set healthy boundaries, even if it means cutting ties with toxic family members. The anger and frustration felt in such situations are valid and justified, and it's essential to create a sanctuary and prioritize self-care to heal and move forward.

• Family dynamics leading to deep-rooted feelings: Unacknowledged abuse and enabling behavior can lead to deep-rooted emotions and a toxic cycle of hope and disappointment.

  The lack of autonomy and the enabling behavior of family members can lead to deep-rooted feelings of anger, grief, and pain. The speaker's experience of being punished for expressing autonomy and the refusal of her siblings to acknowledge the abuse she experienced has resulted in a toxic cycle of hope and disappointment. The anger she feels towards her siblings may be misplaced, as they are colluding with the abuse and asking her to tolerate it. It's essential to acknowledge and process the underlying grief and pain to move forward and break free from this toxic dynamic.

• Sisters' denial retraumatizes listener, father's attempts to reconnect are acts of bullying: Recognize self-harm in pleading with denying siblings, process anger towards them and grief of damaged relationship, don't send it to the abuser.

  The conversation between the listener and her sisters about their abusive father is retraumatizing her, and it's important to recognize that her behavior, such as pleading with them to see the truth, is also a form of self-harm. The sisters are gaslighting her and denying the reality of their father's actions, making her feel that her feelings are irrelevant. The father's attempts to reconnect, such as sending cards and delivering them in person, are actually acts of bullying and intimidation. The anger the listener feels towards her sisters and the grief of recognizing the harm and damage of the relationship are key areas to process. A practical tip is to speak or write down all the anger without sending it, as it's not for the abuser's benefit.

• Writing to Heal: Processing Emotions and Grieving Past Wounds: Writing down the impact of others' actions can help process emotions and heal from past wounds. Remember, you're not the problem in toxic situations and deserve peace. If contacted against your wishes, it's harassment.

  You cannot change or control another person's behavior or beliefs, but you can write down how their actions impact you for your own healing. This practice, called "writing to heal," is a powerful tool for processing emotions and grieving past wounds. It's important to remember that you are not the problem in toxic situations and deserve peace, even if your siblings do not acknowledge the harm they have caused. Additionally, if they continue to contact you despite your wishes for no contact, it is harassment, and you can seek help from the police. My personal win this week is discovering the benefits of EMDR therapy, which has been an incredible addition to my healing journey.

• Trusting Instincts: A Path to Joy and Fulfillment: Trusting your instincts can lead to joy, fulfillment, and strengthening relationships. Don't let self-doubt hold you back from experiencing the benefits of a new addition to your life.

  Trusting yourself and your instincts can lead to great joy and fulfillment in life. The speaker in this podcast shared her recent experience of getting a new puppy named Bella, whom she had wanted for a long time but doubted her ability to care for due to self-doubt and feelings of infantilization. However, Bella fit right in with the family, particularly helping her daughter develop empathy and strengthening the bond between them. The speaker emphasized the importance of listening to one's instincts and not letting self-doubt hold you back. Additionally, the addition of Bella brought immense happiness and love to the household. The podcast ended with gratitude to the sponsors, listeners, and Patreons, and a reminder to take care. Trusting yourself can lead to wonderful additions to your life and bring joy and love to your household.