9. Why Is It So Hard to Be Alone With Our Thoughts?

Podcast Summary

• The struggle of being alone with one's thoughts: Undergraduates find being alone with their thoughts torturous, but it's a valuable skill for introspection, creativity, emotional intelligence, and mental resilience.

  Being alone with one's thoughts can be a challenging experience for many people, especially for younger generations who are heavily reliant on technology for stimulation. A study showed that undergraduates found it torturous to be in a room with nothing to do, preferring electric shocks over being alone with their thoughts. This reluctance to be alone with one's thoughts may stem from an evolutionary perspective, as humans were meant to interact with others. However, it's important to note that being able to sit with one's thoughts and reflect is a valuable skill, as it allows for introspection and creativity. The ability to be comfortable with one's own thoughts may also be a sign of emotional intelligence and mental resilience. Therefore, it's essential to make time for solitude and to practice being present with one's thoughts, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.

• Your brain is active during seemingly idle moments: The default mode network becomes active during idle moments, promoting self-relevant thinking, processing information, imagination, and creativity, potentially leading to greater happiness

  Our brains are not idle when we seem to be doing nothing. There's an area called the default mode network, located on the medial surface of the cortex, which becomes active when we're not focused on external tasks. This network is inversely correlated with executive function areas, and research suggests it's involved in self-relevant thinking, processing information, imagination, and creativity. Neuroscientists discovered this network while investigating brain activity during seemingly idle moments, like staring at a fixation cross in an fMRI machine. While more research is needed, it appears that toggling between the default mode and more goal-directed activity is beneficial for our cognitive processes. A study by psychologists Matt Killingsworth and Dan Gilbert, using experience sampling, even found that people who reported more mind wandering during their daily activities also reported greater happiness. So, the next time you find yourself daydreaming or seemingly doing nothing, remember that your brain is actually hard at work.

• The Impact of Engagement on Happiness and Potential: Engaging our minds in tasks and goals can lead to greater happiness, but daydreaming and mind wandering aren't necessarily less fulfilling. Writing down thoughts and ideas can help extend human memory and deepen thinking. Our brains have untapped potential for deeper thought processes, and we should consider the importance of regularly engaging them.

  The way we engage our minds can significantly impact our happiness and potential. According to Matt and Dan, people who are less engaged in tasks or goals may not necessarily be less happy, but rather in a state of daydreaming or mind wandering. However, this doesn't mean that aimlessly thinking is the answer. Instead, writing down thoughts and ideas can help extend human memory and deepen thinking. Furthermore, research suggests that the human mind is capable of engaging with memory and storytelling more than we currently do, but we don't have to because we don't need to in our modern society. This raises the question of what potential we are wasting by not regularly engaging our brains in deeper, more complex thought processes. Instead of worrying about time spent on social media, we should consider the untapped brainpower and potential for deeper thinking in each of us. As the speaker notes, we have molded ourselves to our current situation, and it's important to remember that our brains are capable of much more than we often use them for.

• Intentional practices for self-reliance and creativity: Regularly practice self-control through meditation and mindfulness, improve focus with walking, and engage in intentional activities like journaling for personal growth and development.

  Making the most of our abilities, such as self-control and creativity, requires intentional effort and practice. When we were younger, our reliance on technology for communication might have led us to overlook the importance of self-reliance and mindfulness. For instance, we might have been forced to memorize phone numbers, but if we lost our phones, there would be bigger issues to address. Psychologist Walter Mischel studied self-control versus stimulus control and found that young children often struggle with controlling their thoughts, emotions, and behavior due to their environment. Meditation and mindfulness practices, such as lying down and observing thoughts without judgment, can help improve self-control and focus. However, these practices can be challenging, and it's essential to approach them with an open mind and a commitment to regular practice. Walking, an activity that has been historically linked to creativity and deep thought, can also be beneficial for mental and physical health. Research suggests that cardiovascular exercise, including walking, can improve executive function, which is crucial for problem-solving and decision-making. By combining intentional practices like journaling, meditation, and walking, we can enhance our ability to engage in reverie and deep thought, ultimately leading to personal growth and development.

• Activities like walking or golfing can stimulate creative thinking: Engaging in activities that allow the mind to wander can inspire creative thinking and reduce mindless reacting, benefiting individuals who struggle with deep thought and reflection in today's constantly stimulating world

  Engaging in certain activities, such as walking or golfing, can help stimulate creative thinking and reduce mindless reacting to stimuli. This is because these activities allow the mind to wander and explore new ideas, which may not happen as easily during focused, sedentary activities. While there is limited modern scientific research on this topic, historical examples, like philosophers who did their thinking while walking, support this idea. For individuals who struggle with sitting alone with their thoughts, finding activities that inspire or conspire to produce this type of thinking can be beneficial. This is particularly important in today's world where constant stimulation from technology can hinder the opportunity for deep thought and reflection. However, it's important to note that not all influence on teenagers ceases after age ten. While parents may have less impact on their children's core beliefs and values, they can still play a significant role in shaping their behavior and guiding them through important life decisions.

• The Impact of Parents on a Child's Development in the Early Years: Parents play a crucial role in shaping a child's development before age 8 through love, support, and guidance. Their influence peaks during early childhood, but remains important throughout life.

  The early years of a child's life, even before they are born, are crucial in shaping their development. While nature and genetics play a role, nurture and environmental factors, particularly love and support, have a significant impact. The parents' influence peaks during the child's early years, up to around age 8 or 9, when they are admired and look up to their parents for guidance. However, during adolescence, starting around age 9 to 13, parents may feel less influential as teenagers strive for independence. Neuroscientist Nim Tottenham's research shows that parents can buffer children against fear and stress until around age 10. After this age, peers become more influential, and teenagers begin to assert their individuality. Despite this, the relationship between parents and children continues to evolve beyond adolescence.

• Parents can unintentionally cause harm: Parents should prioritize avoiding harm and focus on creating a stable, supportive environment to minimize negative impacts on their children's development.

  In the role of a parent, it's easier to cause harm than to create a positive impact. The poet Philip Larkin's poem "This Be the Verse" poignantly illustrates this idea, emphasizing the potential for parents to inadvertently fill their children with their own faults. Research shows that neglectful parenting, which allows chaos in a child's life, can lead to significant harm. Parents should prioritize avoiding harm above all else, as bad experiences can have a stronger impact than good ones. Walter Mischel, famous for the marshmallow test, emphasized that the situation can be more powerful than a person's internal characteristics. Therefore, parents should be mindful of their role in shaping their children's circumstances and focus on creating a stable, supportive environment. Ultimately, the goal should be to minimize harm and maximize opportunities for growth.

• Parental influence on teenagers: Parents' values and advice can still shape teenagers' decisions, even if it's not immediately apparent.

  While parents may not have as much influence over their teenagers as they once did, their values and advice can still make an impact, even if it's not immediately apparent. Teenagers may seem to ignore their parents' guidance, but it can still seep in and shape their decisions when they're not around. The speaker shared a personal story about how her mother's advice, which she had initially dismissed, ultimately influenced her decision to finish college and pursue graduate school. The speaker also noted that there is evidence that parental influence does diminish but does not disappear entirely. Additionally, there is a lot of variance in how much influence parents have over their teenagers. The speaker's husband writes letters to her kids as a way to continue sharing his values and advice with them. Overall, the conversation emphasized the importance of persistence and the potential long-term impact of parents' words and actions on their teenagers.

• The Power of Letters and Shower Thoughts: Letters offer a meaningful way for parents to share wisdom and letters can also serve as a catalyst for creativity during shower time. Research shows that situations and contexts shape behavior, but individual traits like willpower and conscientiousness can still have a significant impact on life outcomes.

  The act of writing letters can serve as a powerful means of communication and expression, particularly for parents trying to impart wisdom and guidance to their children. However, the impact of these letters may not be immediately apparent, and they might be read at different times in life. Showering can also be a catalyst for creativity and deep thought, providing a moment of respite from the constant distractions of modern technology. Walter Mischel's research suggests that situations and contexts play a significant role in shaping human behavior, which can complicate the notion of fixed personality traits. Despite this complexity, individual traits like willpower and conscientiousness can still have a profound impact on one's life outcomes. Overall, these insights highlight the importance of various modes of self-reflection and communication, both in the physical world and in the digital age.