BE RIGHT OR GET IT RIGHT?
Do you ever find yourself arguing with your teens over . . . nothing? Or maybe having the same kind of argument, over and over?
If that describes you, chances are, what those disagreements really about is one thing: being right.
Here’s the thing: it is sooooo developmentally appropriate for teens to want to prove the adults in their lives wrong. And I don’t know about you, but when someone is trying to call me out – especially my teenager! – my back goes up and start defending myself. Trying to prove that I’M right.
IT’S DEVELOPMENTALLY APPROPRIATE FOR TEENS TO WANT TO BE RIGHT ALL THE TIME – BUT NOT FOR YOU
You might recognize your teen in some of the following descriptions because these are ways that developmental appropriateness manifests:
- Fighting perceived injustices
- Brutally calling out stuff that we, as adults, know to whisper
- Calling us out when our words don’t match our actions
If we want to connect with teens, we have to meet them where they are, which means we have to be fully developed adults. And fully developed adults aren’t as concerned with BEING right as they are GETTING IT right.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING RIGHT AND GETTING IT RIGHT
Here’s the difference:
Needing to BE right:
Creates feelings of shame when you make a mistake or are “wrong”
Flips you into fight-flight-freeze when you’re accused of being wrong and tries to shut down the other party
Takes personal offense when accused of being wrong
Motivates you to defend yourself, your ideas, your actions, etc.
Affects your identity when you are “wrong”
Wanting to GET IT right:
Shifts your perspective to view mistakes as learning opportunities
Opens you to having your thoughts and ideas challenged
Enables you to listen to and fairly evaluate other points of view
Asks questions when you’re challenged, so you can better understand the other person’s ideas, thoughts, and opinions
Separates your actions, thoughts, and ideas from your core identity
Recognizes the developmentally appropriate methods teens use to challenge us and responds to the ideas vs. the delivery
TRUTHS REVEALED
When we dig a little deeper into the need to BE right, it can reveal some surprising truths about what’s going on underneath the surface. That need can be the manifestation of insecurity. Of wanting to people-please and have others think highly of you. Of a blind spot you may have.
Shifting your mindset to GET IT right gives you freedom. From shame. From the stress of perfectionism. Freedom to ask for help and guidance when there’s something you don’t know or understand.
But How do you make that shift? Here are some strategies I’ve used:
Use The Thought Model
The Thought Model will help you examine your thinking around being right.
Unintentional Thought Model
Circumstance – Someone pointed out I made a mistake/ got something wrong
Thought – when I’m wrong, people think less of me, don’t respect me
Feeling - shame
Action – I lash out at my “accuser” in a personal way
Result - Connection is broken and the relationship is damaged
Intentional Thought Model
Circumstance - Someone pointed out I made a mistake/ got something wrong
Thought – I can learn something here
Feeling – curiosity
Action – I ask questions to get more information and clarity
Result – Connection is built, the relationship is strengthened
Practice getting it wrong
Visualize how you want to handle it when you get it wrong. Imagining those steps might look like:
Taking a deep breath.
Asking a question for clarity.
Agreeing with your accuser.
Apologizing, if necessary.
Journal to retrain your brain
Affirmations can feel cheesy – like Stuart Smalley on Saturday Night Live.
BUT – the truth is that repetition can retrain your brain.
Write down statements as if they’re already true
Write them EVERY DAY
Example: I’m comfortable and at ease when I get something wrong because that means I’m learning and growing.
Using any one of these three strategies is going to bring you closer to your teens (really, closer in ALL your relationships) and will foster an atmosphere that encourages risk-taking and growth. When you normalize failure, getting something wrong, and making mistakes, you’re giving everyone around you the permission to do the same.
