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    Becoming Self-Confident, Learning Healthy Relationship Skills, and Trusting Yourself: June Mailbag

    enJune 03, 2024

    Podcast Summary

    • Negative friend conversationsInstead of focusing on negativity, engage in deeper conversations and ask open-ended questions to help shift the conversation towards a positive interaction. Limit negative comments to create a supportive environment.

      When dealing with a friend who constantly expresses negative commentary, it's essential to understand why it's uncomfortable for you and why you may be joining in. Instead of focusing on the negativity, try to engage in deeper conversations that allow your friend to explore their feelings and perspectives. By asking open-ended questions and showing genuine interest, you can help shift the conversation towards a more positive and meaningful interaction. Additionally, consider making a personal commitment to limit negative comments about others in your presence, creating a more supportive and uplifting social environment.

    • Authentic inquiry and curiosityAsking supportive questions and genuinely expressing interest can disrupt negative patterns and lead to deeper connections, while focusing on sincerity and curiosity increases the odds of forming successful relationships. Identifying and addressing emotional fears and strengthening the mind-body connection can further support this process.

      Authentic inquiry and curiosity can disrupt negative patterns and lead to deeper connections with others. This approach, which involves asking supportive questions and genuinely expressing interest, can help individuals move past avoidance tendencies and engage in meaningful relationships. Additionally, developing a stronger connection to one's emotions and body can provide a foundation for healthier relationships. By focusing on these qualities of sincerity and curiosity, individuals can increase the odds of forming successful and fulfilling connections. For those who struggle with emotional avoidance, particularly in romantic relationships, it's important to identify specific fears and work to systematically address them. Through practices like dancing, yoga, and other whole-body activities, individuals can also strengthen their mind-body connection and build confidence in expressing their authentic selves.

    • Clarifying IntentionsBe clear about your intentions in relationships and release mental/emotional blocks through meditation to attract a sincere and kind partner, and improve overall well-being.

      Personal growth and success in romantic relationships involve clarifying intentions, releasing blocks, and letting the relationship come to you. Clarifying intentions means being clear about what you want and releasing any mental or emotional barriers that prevent you from getting it. This can be achieved through meditation practices that involve visualizing and releasing what's in the way, as well as visualizing and receiving what you want. In terms of relationships, being clear about your intentions and being a sincere, kind, and interested person can make you an appealing partner. The other factors that contribute to success in relationships include emotional intelligence and interpersonal skills, which allow you to build connections with others and enable them to appreciate you. By focusing on these factors, you can let the relationship come to you and reduce the need for excessive effort to win someone over. Additionally, it's important to identify where avoidance tendencies may be kicking in and address the underlying issues to improve overall well-being.

    • Balancing intimacy and autonomyEffective communication and setting clear boundaries are crucial for building healthy relationships where both partners' needs for intimacy and autonomy are met.

      Building healthy relationships involves balancing intimacy and autonomy. In the discussion, it was highlighted that effective communication and setting clear boundaries are crucial. Shopify can help businesses connect with customers both online and offline, while One Skin offers a solution for addressing the root causes of aging through their proprietary OS01 peptide. Regarding codependency, it was suggested that the term is often misused and that focusing on clear communication and mutual respect can lead to healthier relationships. The key is to ensure that both partners' needs for intimacy and autonomy are met in a way that feels good for both parties. This can be achieved through open dialogue, setting boundaries, and finding a balance that works for both individuals.

    • Healthy boundaries and validationTo foster a healthy relationship, establish boundaries, communicate emotional needs, and focus on internal sources of validation, rather than relying excessively on external sources.

      Establishing healthy boundaries and maintaining autonomy are essential for a psychologically healthy relationship, but it's also important to communicate openly about emotional needs and desires to deepen the connection. Seeking approval and validation from others is a natural human tendency, especially if it wasn't received sufficiently during formative years. The primary way to heal from this tendency is to internalize the approval and validation we do receive, while also becoming less enamored with external sources of validation and focusing on intrinsic sources of self-worth. Effective communication and understanding each other's needs and desires are crucial for a fulfilling relationship, and figuring out what specific actions or words bring emotional nourishment to each partner is an essential part of the process.

    • Validation sourcesBoth internal and external sources can impact our need for validation and self-worth. Seek healthy sources of external validation and learn to provide it for others while recognizing our worth isn't defined by others.

      Our need for validation and self-worth can be influenced by both internal and external sources. While it's important to work on developing a strong sense of self-worth internally, it's also crucial to recognize that external validation can be helpful. However, it's essential to be aware of the sources of validation and ensure they are healthy and supportive. Additionally, many people struggle to provide positive feedback and validation to others, so it's essential to be mindful of this and step into opportunities to appreciate and acknowledge others. In difficult relationships, it's essential to assess whether the behavior is ongoing and consider the impact of taking a step back or resizing the relationship. Ultimately, it's important to remember that our worth is not determined by others and that we have the power to make choices that prioritize our well-being.

    • Noble purposesIdentify and focus on your own values to set healthy boundaries and approach relationships from a place of compassion and love. Ask thoughtful questions and show genuine interest in others to deepen connections.

      It's essential to identify and focus on your own noble purposes in relationships, especially when dealing with challenging dynamics. You cannot control others' behavior, but you can control how you respond and the intentions behind your actions. By clarifying your values and living in accordance with them, you can set healthy boundaries and approach relationships from a place of compassion and love. Additionally, asking thoughtful questions and showing genuine interest in others can deepen connections and help navigate difficult situations. Remember, the power lies in your ability to choose how you engage with the world around you.

    • Managing emotions, codependency and relationshipsPeople can manage bottled-up emotions and distinguish between insufficient support and personal inability to internalize it. Codependency can be addressed by recognizing and internalizing authentic experiences of support, deriving self-worth from internal sources, and assessing the efforts, capability, and moral purpose before ending relationships.

      It's normal for people to have bottled-up emotions and fear the release, but they are well-equipped to manage them. In relationships, it's essential to distinguish between insufficient support and personal inability to internalize it. Codependency can be addressed by recognizing and internalizing authentic experiences of support. Self-worth should not be derived from external validation, but from internal sources and recognizing the moments of validation in everyday life. When considering ending relationships, assess if efforts have been made, if the person is capable of meeting needs, and if taking space aligns with moral purpose.

    Recent Episodes from Being Well with Forrest Hanson and Dr. Rick Hanson

    Psychological Defenses: How to Understand (and change) Your Mind and Behavior

    Psychological Defenses: How to Understand (and change) Your Mind and Behavior
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    The Fawn Response: People Pleasing, Self-Abandonment, and Standing Up for Yourself

    The Fawn Response: People Pleasing, Self-Abandonment, and Standing Up for Yourself
    Dr. Rick and Forrest finish their series on the stress responses with the fawn response: an appeasement strategy where we manage stressful situations by giving others what they want. Rick and Forrest start by discussing common symptoms, including people pleasing, self-abandonment, difficulty saying no, weak boundaries, and chronic self-sacrifice. They talk about the roots of the fawn response and its connection to complex PTSD before exploring people pleasing in detail. In the second half of the episode they focus on practical tools for developing healthy boundaries, self-acceptance, and a stronger sense of self. You can watch this episode on YouTube. Key Topics:  0:00: Introduction 2:15: What the fawn response looks like 9:05: Power imbalances, shame, and contempt 11:35: What personal history tends to lead to fawning? 20:00: How to work on the tendency to fawn 36:30: Shame, self-acceptance, and opening up to self-expression 41:25: The fawn response in relationship 46:40: Becoming your own source of safety 52:20: Making equitable arrangements, and acknowledging your best efforts 1:01:50: Recap I am now writing on Substack, check out my work there.  Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. Sponsors Sign up for a one-dollar-per-month trial period at shopify.com/beingwell.  Transform your health with the ZOE Science & Nutrition podcast. Find it wherever you listen to podcasts. Zocdoc helps you find expert doctors and medical professionals that specialize in the care you need, and deliver the type of experience you want. Head to zocdoc.com/being and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. OneSkin focuses on delivering more than superficial results for your skin. Get started today with 15% off using code BEINGWELL at oneskin.co.  Join over a million people using BetterHelp, the world’s largest online counseling platform. Visit betterhelp.com/beingwell for 10% off your first month! Connect with the show: Subscribe on iTunes Follow Forrest on YouTube Follow us on Instagram Follow Forrest on Instagram Follow Rick on Facebook Follow Forrest on Facebook Visit Forrest's website

    How to Create a Secure Relationship with Elizabeth Ferreira

    How to Create a Secure Relationship with Elizabeth Ferreira
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    Becoming Self-Confident, Learning Healthy Relationship Skills, and Trusting Yourself: June Mailbag

    Becoming Self-Confident, Learning Healthy Relationship Skills, and Trusting Yourself: June Mailbag
    Dr. Rick and Forrest open up the mailbag and answer questions from listeners. They explore how to deal with chronically negative people, managing avoidant tendencies that get in the way of us finding a great relationship, and separating normal desires for support from more problematic ones. They then talk about how we can build self-confidence and become more internally referenced, before closing the episode with a sticky situation involving supporting an aging parent.  If you’d like to send in a question to be answered on the podcast, join our Patreon or email us at contact@beingwellpodcast.com. You can watch this episode on YouTube. Key Topics:  0:00: Introduction 1:00: My friend is chronically negative, what can I do? 13:05: How can I move past a cycle of avoidance that’s inhibiting my ability to find a good relationship? 26:05: I want to be supported by my partner, but I’m worried about becoming enmeshed. How can I seek help in a healthy way? 39:30: How do I stop seeking validation from others? 45:20: How do I react to ongoing criticism from an aging parent? 58:15: Recap I am now writing on Substack, check out my work there.  Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. Sponsors Join over a million people using BetterHelp, the world’s largest online counseling platform. Visit betterhelp.com/beingwell for 10% off your first month! If you’re navigating something messy, call The Dr. John Delony Show. Dr. John shares practical advice on how to connect with people, face depression, overcome anxiety, and learn what it means to be well. Listen wherever you get your podcasts.  Transform your health with the ZOE Science & Nutrition podcast. Find it wherever you listen to podcasts. OneSkin focuses on delivering more than superficial results for your skin. Get started today with 15% off using code BEINGWELL at oneskin.co.  Connect with the show: Subscribe on iTunes Follow Forrest on YouTube Follow us on Instagram Follow Forrest on Instagram Follow Rick on Facebook Follow Forrest on Facebook Visit Forrest's website

    The Psychology of Manifesting: How to Create the Life You Want

    The Psychology of Manifesting: How to Create the Life You Want
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    Understanding the “Flight” Response: Anxiety, Avoidance, and Feeling Safe

    Understanding the “Flight” Response: Anxiety, Avoidance, and Feeling Safe
    Dr. Rick and Forrest discuss the “flight” response to stress, which includes feelings of anxiety and fear, avoidant behavior, and an underlying sense of insecurity. They explore the emotions and behaviors associated with the flight response, and how we can build up a stronger, more secure sense of who we are. Rick shares some practical tools that will help you change your self-concept, safely apply principles from graduated exposure, and feel safer from the inside-out. I’ve loved this series on the stress responses, and think you’ll get a lot out of this episode. You can watch this episode on YouTube. Key Topics: 0:00: Introduction 1:00: The purpose of the flight response, and when it is and isn’t useful 5:35: Social withdrawal, conflict avoidance, and preserving safety vs. comfort 12:15: The trouble with low likelihood, high-cost risks 16:35: Exploring our capacity for stress, and identifying the risks worth taking 26:30: Feeling “sturdy,” and why we choose the flight response vs. other stress responses 33:30: Graduated exposure  39:05: Learning to trust our new capabilities as we change 44:50: Overdoing a change as a form of self-sabotage, and reserving the power to flee 54:25: Responding to anxiety 1:01:40: Being present with painful situations we can’t escape 1:08:40: Recap I am now writing on Substack, check out my work there.  Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. Sponsors Join over a million people using BetterHelp, the world’s largest online counseling platform. Visit betterhelp.com/beingwell for 10% off your first month! If you’re navigating something messy, call The Dr. John Delony Show. Dr. John shares practical advice on how to connect with people, face depression, overcome anxiety, and learn what it means to be well. Listen wherever you get your podcasts.  Transform your health with the ZOE Science & Nutrition podcast. Find it wherever you listen to podcasts. OneSkin focuses on delivering more than superficial results for your skin. Get started today with 15% off using code BEINGWELL at oneskin.co.  Connect with the show: Subscribe on iTunes Follow Forrest on YouTube Follow us on Instagram Follow Forrest on Instagram Follow Rick on Facebook Follow Forrest on Facebook Visit Forrest's website

    Managing The “Fight” Response: Anger, Repression, and Self-Regulation

    Managing The “Fight” Response: Anger, Repression, and Self-Regulation
    Dr. Rick and Forrest continue their series on the stress responses with the “fight” response to stress. They explore anger, repression, and the balance of self-expression and self-regulation before talking about how we can claim the adaptive aspects of the fight response without falling prey to its more problematic aspects. A major focus of the episode is resentment and repression, alongside related topics like empowering yourself, managing expectations, and “experiencing out.” You can watch this episode on YouTube. Key Topics: 0:00: Introduction 1:15: The useful aspects of anger 5:40: Specific behaviors associated with the fight response 8:35: Giving yourself permission to express anger 13:40: Navigating resentment 21:40: Thwarted expectations as a source of unhealthy anger 32:05: Claiming your anger, and being wary of its seductive nature 35:45: Developing an authentic sense of empowerment 39:45: Going from complaint to request 43:30: Antidotes to unhealthy anger 52:40: Challenging authority without feeling intimidated or shamed 54:20: When we’re angry at ourselves 59:00: Recap I am now writing on Substack, check out my work there.  Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. Sponsors Join over a million people using BetterHelp, the world’s largest online counseling platform. Visit betterhelp.com/beingwell for 10% off your first month! If you’re navigating something messy, call The Dr. John Delony Show. Dr. John shares practical advice on how to connect with people, face depression, overcome anxiety, and learn what it means to be well. Listen wherever you get your podcasts.  Transform your health with the ZOE Science & Nutrition podcast. Find it wherever you listen to podcasts. OneSkin focuses on delivering more than superficial results for your skin. Get started today with 15% off using code BEINGWELL at oneskin.co. Connect with the show: Subscribe on iTunes Follow Forrest on YouTube Follow us on Instagram Follow Forrest on Instagram Follow Rick on Facebook Follow Forrest on Facebook Visit Forrest's website

    Everything You Need to Know About Therapy

    Everything You Need to Know About Therapy
    In this mega-episode, clinical psychologist Dr. Rick Hanson and Forrest Hanson explore everything you need to know about therapy. They share how you can get more from therapy, finding the approach that’s right for you, and some perspectives on why therapy is so expensive. They then run through the five major schools of Western psychotherapy before discussing a few alternative modalities. You’ll learn how long to stick with a therapist before looking for alternatives, questions to ask a prospective therapist, and how to maximize your results. You can watch this episode on YouTube. Key Topics: 0:00: Introduction 1:40: The biggest factors that contribute to therapy going well 7:25: Finding the therapeutic modality that works for you 14:00: The cost of therapy, and the problem created by insurance companies 20:35: The five major schools of western psychotherapy 21:20: Psychodynamic therapy, and investigating the unconscious 23:20: Behavioral therapy, and variable reinforcement 25:55: Humanistic psychology, and seeing the good in yourself 29:05: Cognitive therapy, why insurance companies like CBT, and exploring our beliefs 36:15: Mindfulness-based therapies, and being with our experiences 41:15: Family systems therapy, social justice, somatic therapy, and non-Western thinking 46:20: The differences (and similarities) between therapy and coaching 52:40: How long therapy should take, and how to evaluate if it’s working 1:02:15: The role of client motivation  1:04:55: Questions to ask a prospective therapist 1:10:15: The importance of the therapist’s engagement 1:12:50: Common qualities Rick found challenging with past clients 1:16:05: The importance of internalizing change, and recognizing what’s really shifting 1:21:20: Recap Forrest is now writing on Substack, check out his work there.  Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. Sponsors Join over a million people using BetterHelp, the world’s largest online counseling platform. Visit betterhelp.com/beingwell for 10% off your first month! If you’re navigating something messy, call The Dr. John Delony Show. Dr. John shares practical advice on how to connect with people, face depression, overcome anxiety, and learn what it means to be well. Listen wherever you get your podcasts.  Transform your health with the ZOE Science & Nutrition podcast. Find it wherever you listen to podcasts. OneSkin focuses on delivering more than superficial results for your skin. Get started today with 15% off using code BEINGWELL at oneskin.co.  Connect with the show: Subscribe on iTunes Follow Forrest on YouTube Follow us on Instagram Follow Forrest on Instagram Follow Rick on Facebook Follow Forrest on Facebook Visit Forrest's website

    Healing After Trauma with Dr. Peter Levine

    Healing After Trauma with Dr. Peter Levine
    Somatic psychology legend Dr. Peter Levine joins Dr. Rick and Forrest to explore how we can use body-based approaches to recover from traumatic experiences. Peter uses his personal history with trauma to illustrate the practices he’s taught to thousands of people through his work. They discuss the importance of resourcing experiences, creating safety, developing interoception, abandonment wounds, bringing a diverse perspective to somatic work, and working with shame.  Please be aware that this episode includes a description of sexual assault. About our Guest: Dr. Peter Levine is the creator of Somatic Experiencing and the Founder and President of the Ergos Institute for Somatic Education. He’s taught at a number of universities, has received Lifetime Achievement awards from numerous organizations, and is the best-selling author of several books, including Waking the Tiger, Healing Trauma, and his most recent book An Autobiography of Trauma: A Healing Journey. You can watch this episode on YouTube. Key Topics: 0:00: Introduction 2:15: Peter’s dream about publishing his recent book 6:40: Themes connecting the personal and professional for Peter 10:15: Physicalization, pendulation, and decontextualization of trauma 16:15: Presence with others, and moving gently into shame to move through it 20:55: The fundamental view that we our innately healthy, and completing the arc 23:05: When the prompt “feel it in your body” doesn’t work 28:15: Advice for when you don’t have access to therapy or a SEP practitioner 30:35: Tenderness 34:30: Anchoring in the here and now when accessing past memories 39:35: Conceiving of yourself as a source of safety 43:30: Generating your own internal wellbeing 46:20: Acknowledging the reality of your history, patience, and completion 49:45: Living by dying 52:15: Recap Offer from Dr. Rick: If you'd like to improve your self-worth, check out Rick's new 4-hour, live online workshop. You'll learn methods and practices that can actually change your brain and your habits, so you start nurturing your sense of worth and belonging. Our listeners can get 20% off with coupon code BeingWell20: https://selfworthworkshop.com/ Forrest is now writing on Substack, check out his work there.  Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. Sponsors If you’re navigating something messy, call The Dr. John Delony Show. Dr. John shares practical advice on how to connect with people, face depression, overcome anxiety, and learn what it means to be well. Listen wherever you get your podcasts.  Transform your health with the ZOE Science & Nutrition podcast. Find it wherever you listen to podcasts. Join over a million people using BetterHelp, the world’s largest online counseling platform. Visit betterhelp.com/beingwell for 10% off your first month! OneSkin focuses on delivering more than superficial results for your skin. Get started today with 15% off using code BEINGWELL at oneskin.co. Connect with the show: Subscribe on iTunes Follow Forrest on YouTube Follow us on Instagram Follow Forrest on Instagram Follow Rick on Facebook Follow Forrest on Facebook Visit Forrest's website

    Recovering from a Challenging Childhood: Reclaim, Resupply, and Repair

    Recovering from a Challenging Childhood: Reclaim, Resupply, and Repair
    Dr. Rick and Forrest explore a huge topic: what can we do to recover from a difficult childhood as an adult? Rick introduces a three step process that can help us reclaim our past, identify the key needs we have these days, and internalize related positive experiences. They discuss related tools from psychology like releasing repressed emotions, claiming agency where we can, and changing what we emphasize in the story of our lives. If you had a hard time growing up, this one’s for you. You can watch this episode on YouTube. Key Topics: 0:00: Introduction 1:40: Recovering from childhood wounds - Reclaim, Resupply, and Repair 7:00: Clarifying your personal narrative, and the importance of agency 12:25: How the unmet needs from your past impacts your present 18:25: Changing what we emphasize in the story we tell ourselves 28:50: Letting the fizz out of the bottle 32:20: Identifying the right medicine for your unresolved wounds  38:00: How developing competency helps you break free from your past 41:50: Self-soothing through envisioning positive experiences 45:00: The process of letting go of the childhood you wish you had 57:50: Naming what you want from life, and the universal ground of being 1:02:00: Recap  Offer from Dr. Rick: If you'd like to improve your self-worth, check out Rick's new 4-hour, live online workshop. You'll learn methods and practices that can actually change your brain and your habits, so you start nurturing your sense of worth and belonging. Our listeners can get 20% off with coupon code BeingWell20: https://selfworthworkshop.com/ Forrest is now writing on Substack, check out his work there.  Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. Sponsors Join over a million people using BetterHelp, the world’s largest online counseling platform. Visit betterhelp.com/beingwell for 10% off your first month! Trust your gut with Seed’s DS-01 Daily Synbiotic. Go to Seed.com/BEINGWELL and use code 25BEINGWELL to get 25% off your first month.  Zocdoc helps you find expert doctors and medical professionals that specialize in the care you need, and deliver the type of experience you want. Head to zocdoc.com/being and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Visit airdoctorpro.com and use promo code BEING to receive up to $300 off air purifiers! When you use our code, you’ll also receive a free 3-year warranty on any unit, an $84 value Connect with the show: Subscribe on iTunes Follow Forrest on YouTube Follow us on Instagram Follow Forrest on Instagram Follow Rick on Facebook Follow Forrest on Facebook Visit Forrest's website