Beyoncé Poops

Spooky.

Should you find your biological father and what is the ideal uterus? One that picks and chooses the best genes from multiple sexual partners.

Thanks for listening! Be sure to follow/subscribe for more episodes!

My links

Send me an online voicemail now! https://www.speakpipe.com/sneeze

James on Twitter

This podcast on Twitter

James on TikTok

My YouTube comedy channel

Even more James links: https://linktr.ee/whittingham

My other podcast: The Clean Energy Show

Contact us sneezeshow@gmail.com

Nothing.

My husband made out with a teenaged underaged girl at a party, what should I do? James has the answer. Plus Boise, Idaho has some weird laws.

sneezeshow@gmail.com

This is our wheel for this week's shows:

Agnes joins James as he gives blunt advice to people who write to advice columnists. Then Ronald Reagan briefly comes back from the dead to find out what a podcast is.

Also, James is on Ozempic and CPAP. 

James is tormented by his wife leaving a bag of ashes by the bathroom garbage. She can't get rid of it because she doesn't know who it is. Also, people with books in their bathrooms don't make any sense to James. And headlines involving semen sniffing dogs and disputes over urine. 

Thanks for listening! Be sure to follow/subscribe for more episodes!

My links

Send me an online voicemail now! https://www.speakpipe.com/sneeze

James on Twitter

This podcast on Twitter

James on TikTok

My YouTube comedy channel

Even more James links: https://linktr.ee/whittingham

My other podcast: The Clean Energy Show

Contact us sneezeshow@gmail.com

Transcript of this episode:

Oh, so you thought you'd listen to a podcast.

Well, good for you.

Aren't you special, you stupid fuck.

God, you're stupid.

You could be doing anything thing right now, but you're listening to a podcast.

What makes you so special that you think that you could listen to a podcast and not do other important things in life? Like livid? No, you're listening to a you might as well be on TikTok or something.

But you're listening to a podcast, which is more in depth than intellectual, isn't it? In my bathroom, friends.

In my bathroom, my upstairs bathroom, my main bathroom, my shedding bathroom.

The bathroom with my beloved bidet.

There is a garbage can, a large white plastic bin, rectangular, narrow wedge between the door and the wall.

And a little space there that's good for putting trash.

It's got a bag in it and that's what I look at when I shit.

Now, I'm not one of these people who doesn't know when to go into the shit.

I know when my body is ready.

I don't go in there and read a fucking book, okay? I don't understand people who do that.

It makes no sense to me.

I go to washrooms and I see books and I think, what the fuck are you doing? How much of your life are you spending trying to get out of shit? I mean, are you constipated? If you're constipated, do something about it.

Increase your fiber, increase your water intake, but don't read a fucking book on the shitter with your pants on the floor and your deck hanging out.

I don't understand people like that.

And there's a lot of people like that.

A lot of bathrooms you go to, people that have books in them.

Makes no sense to me.

Why? How? I think the bigger question is how can you sit there like an idiot reading a book, hoping that the shit will just fucking come? What's wrong with you? I never go in unless my body is ready.

My bowels will start moving and I think, damn it.

Yes.

Now I'm old, I'm mid fifty, s, and I'm very blessed with good bowels.

My bowels.

I've had several colonoscopies come up clean so far.

Knock on wood, knock on stool.

But I worry that one day I won't be so lucky.

But right now I am, and I always have been.

I know when my balls are ready.

I get up in the morning and as soon as I wake up, my barrels wake up and they say, hey, James is up.

Let's get going.

I go to the bathroom, it comes out, I spray it for ten minutes, give myself a bit of an enemy if I need to.

With the bidet, it comes right back to you.

Why not clean the inside? It's cleaning the outside.

You might as well give yourself an enema and just get everything squeaky clean.

There's a problem there, though.

If you forget about it.

You forget that it gave you an enema, and you go about your day.

Then you have diarrhea.

That's an issue.

It's a risk you take by going too far with your bidet.

And I know I check out my bidet episode.

I give you full tutorial on how to use a bidet.

And it is in depth and very real, so don't be eating anything when you listen to it.

But anyway, I go to the bathroom there, so I'm not spending a lot of time, but I spent enough time there enjoying the bidet spray, which is warm.

And I noticed there's this bag on the floor.

I don't know, it's like a cellophane, like a bag you would have in the supermarket to put a few bananas in or something or some salary.

This clear little bag on the floor wrapped up, and there's ashes in it.

It seems to be ashes.

It is ashes.

Because I asked my wife, I said, what is it that's ashes? And I said, who's ashes? And she says, I don't know.

So we have this bag of ashes that my wife can't throw out.

So she's placed on the bathroom floor by the garbage, but not in the garbage because she doesn't know whose ashes they are.

Now, there's not that many options, okay? She's had her parents die.

Does she remember saving the ashes for her parents? No, they were scattered.

Does she save a little extra for something else? Who knows? We had a cat cremated once.

Yes, you could do that.

And we buried the cat by the tree.

I don't remember saving any ashes for its favorite hunting ground or anything like that.

So whose ashes are they? Where else would you get ashes from that you would keep? You know, no one collects ashes in a little plastic bag that's unmarked.

So every morning I'm shitting, and I have to stare at that bag wondering, who is that who's shitting here with me? Who's here in the toilet? Is it a grandfather of my children? A grandmother? Is it a cat? Is it just ashes from somebody else that just showed up at our front door? Who is this person? And how more of it is this? I wanted a shit in peace.

And furthermore, pleasure.

Peace and pleasure on the toilet.

Yes, when things go well, and I don't mean to brag, because I know that everybody can shit, okay? Some people fuckers.

You're so simple, you don't know how to shit.

That's fine.

You just got to train your body.

Now, I lead a life of not excessive work, and I'm around a lot, and I have freedom to shit when I need to.

So I've trained my body.

There's one thing that I tell my young friends, always get enough sleep and train your body to shit on time.

This is a problem.

If you work night shifts and different shifts, I can't even imagine your problems for those people to do that.

But if you are a person whose body just says, hey, James is awake, let's get things going.

And you can feel it.

You sit down, it comes out, you flush, you spray, you look at the bag on the floor wondering, whose uncle is that? Who am I looking at? Can you look at the ashes and tell who it is? Can you just get a sense of who it is? And where do you spread them? She's not going to throw them in the garbage.

That's the issue.

She's not going to throw the ashes out.

Do they need to be thrown out? Yes, I would just throw them out into the landfill with everything else.

I mean, I've left enough of myself in the landfill, right? And the sewer system.

More of the sewer system than the landfill.

But look, if you blow your nose, part of you goes to the landfill and eventually turns into ashes.

Your snot will eventually turn into dust, okay? And it will grow a plant at the landfill.

The garbage dump right beside a washing machine.

A little blade of grass will come up from your snot rag because you blew your nose once.

So it's not a big deal.

At the very least, I would take it out to the nearest gopher hole, which we live by a field adjacent to a field.

So I would just take it out there and dump it in the gopher hole, which isn't far away.

They like to come close, just dump it in there and let the gophers deal with it.

Just get rid of it.

If there's more of it, it's the gross and it's I don't want to be shitting.

This could throw off my whole shit schedule.

Something disruptive and upsetting like this.

There are so many people.

It could be so many animals, so many things.

But it's ashes.

What else could it be? It's not like if you collect ashes from, like, a science fair or I don't know if anyone is missing any ashes.

I could put an ad in the newspaper, missing ashes.

Are you missing a relative? It could be yours.

I bet I get a lot of calls.

It's not a lot.

I mean, it's an ounce.

It's a few grams.

Maybe it's a pot that I forgot about and turned into ash.

No, I don't smoke pot.

I'd never do something like that.

I don't know.

Of course.

The toilet is right there.

Do you flush it down the toilet? Is it disrespectful? Is it disrespectful? Okay, if I'm dead and you find a bag of my ashes, I don't care if it's a tiny bag like this one or a fullfledged Hefty bag full of James, feel free to flush it down the fucking toilet.

It just makes no difference to me whatsoever.

You're not really spreading me in anywhere significant.

Okay, my treat.

I planted my cat on her.

Didn't do any better because the cat was there.

And it has no personality.

It is never meows.

It never does anything that resembles my cat in any way.

And my cat's gone.

I wish it wasn't, but it is.

Relatives are gone.

I wish they weren't, but they are.

So flush my fucking bag down the toilet.

As long as it doesn't clog.

Okay? I wouldn't want you to hurt something or just we live in a very windy place here.

Just be downwind from it.

Just let it rip.

Let it blow.

I'll be spread everywhere then.

But don't wonder what you should do with me if I'm dead, okay? Nobody cares.

You don't care.

I don't care.

Most of all the people who are dead don't care.

It's not only because I can't care, it's because I wouldn't care.

It's the living who have all this guilt and bullshit and stuff.

And let's open up Facebook message here because did I see a message from that fucker in Germany again? Sent me another message.

There it is.

Christian in Germany.

No.

You hate that.

I know.

James, get off your ass.

Record another sneeze.

I thought we had an unwritten rule now that every time I send you a message you get in front of the microphone and record.

I guess I was wrong.

I thought you weren't going to send me any more fucking messages.

Christian Clemq of Deutsche Land, is it? Deutschland, where are you? I don't care.

Don't send me another fucking message telling me they record another podcast.

Don't do it.

When I'm good and ready.

Anyone else can send me a message though@speakfipe.com.

Sneezhow.

No sneeze.

Speakfight.com.

Sneeze.

That is your online voicemail center.

Okay? That's where I live.

Now let's do what we do, OK? On this podcast.

I don't really have anything to talk about.

I could talk about shaving my balls.

I'm not going to though, okay.

Because I don't think you should shave your balls.

It seems very scary to me to take a razor blade over your balls with shaving cream or not.

I know it's skin like any other skin, but there's irregularities.

And what happens if something goes wrong? What happens if you split it open and it gets infected and blows up like a basketball? Don't shave your balls.

Get them removed with lasers.

Lasers on your balls, I'm sure.

Find a dominatrix with a laser, OK? And just go to her and say, can you punish me for a bit and remove the wax? Just laser off my hair so I don't have to shave it.

Because, you know the kids these days, clean shaven, it's a problem.

Yes, I know.

Middle aged divorced people are back into the sex scene and they got to do things that they never used to do in the people.

They wore their hair with pride back then.

So now we're going to Google urine because this is what we do.

We do a Google News search of urine and see what happens, just to see what stories are out there.

So a man arrested in DC after allegedly pouring a gallon of urine on a woman.

Times of Malta.

I know you have a subscription.

It says here.

This is a quick search of Google News and urine.

This is something we do here on the show because I have to talk about something.

It just seems like, why not? Argument over urine ends with a beating in maxar.

Accused gets a two year jail term, suspended for four.

I don't know what that means.

An argument between two men over urine ended with a beating and saw the aggressor getting a two year jail term.

He testified that he used to find urine near his garage and had always suspected that the accused, this other guy, was to blame, so he approached him, but the accused said he did not care.

I mean, if you're pissing, if you're just leaving you're pissed by somebody's house, you don't care.

Obviously you don't care.

I told the court that after the accused spat on the ground whenever he saw him.

That's very insulting behavior.

I'm so glad nobody does that to me.

Your garbage, he said the other day, the incident, you'd see the accused wife and asked her to be left alone, but the accused visited him at home later.

As soon as he opened the door, he spat at him.

He's just really reckless with the bodily fluids.

He realized that the guy was going to punch him, so he punched him first.

And that's always a good thing to do with urine, people hitting the cues in the face.

He then threw the other guy on the ground, hit him with his safety shoes, leaving him with a permanent disability.

Another urine story of the news that ends up in a very sad way.

Yeah.

Dispute over urine, proving once again human beings are flawed, stupid, and just bad shit crazy as a whole.

Just bad shit crazy.

Yeah.

Dr.

Oz apparently considers himself something of a piece ofelier this is interesting.

This is good stuff right here.

Because Dr.

Oz is running for office and the world is going to end if people like him get in.

Dr.

Mendel Oz once claimed that in medical schools forced restrictive doctors to drink human urine as part of their training.

I don't think so.

In an old year interview with late night host Jimmy Kibbell that resurfaced over the weekend, the GOPs Senate nominee in Pennsylvania elaborated on a seemingly lifelong personal fascination with all things be.

This is just gross.

Why America? Why do you do stupid things like elect people like him? Why do you admire people like him? In a clip from his own show that he shared by left leaning Twitter account patriot takes anything with the word patriot.

And it isn't left leaning usually, but okay.

Oz was shown telling the audience member that urine has a nutty scent if you haven't had anything fancy.

Okay, well, my stomach is going, so I'm going to stop there.

Okay, let's see this.

If we could I don't know, what else should we Google the news? How about semen? Semen sniffing dog joins UK Police Department with a high school with someone like that.

Let's see what it says here.

It's for the dog time website.

Get your latest dog news at dog TIME.com.

So, yeah, UK Police Department recently brought on a semen sniffing dog.

The dog unit recently welcomed April, a beautiful golden Labrador retriever, to help with sexual assault cases.

Fascinatingly.

April can detect immensely small amounts of Sebino fluid.

I don't want to meet this dog because I've got seminal fluid everywhere.

You know what, it's in your testicles, it's in your ass, it's in your prostate, it's in your penis.

Men are covered with semen on the best case scenario, and if she can detect small amounts of it, dogs can smell so well.

And how did she get trained? I ask who trains this dog? What kind of a pervert owner is training this police dog to detect semen? So she can detect as little as .016 ML or .005 fluid ounces of semen, which is just a fraction of an Ejaculation.

There, I said it.

Somebody had to say it.

You were thinking it.

You're going to think it.

I said it.

He was the only dog in the country with his incredible skill.

If I had a dog billy also retired and lives a calm, happy life with his new forever home.

Yeah, but masturbate and see what happens.

Okay.

His work laid the foundation for training other dogs.

What does seban prove? Okay, I'm all for solving sexual assault cases, but if I was walking down the street and there was a sexual assault nearby, and the sexual assault seamless missing sniffing dog come sniffing, evil smells even on me.

It's inevitable.

I'm probably dripping it right now in small quantities.

You know, men are seeming producing machines.

That's basically all we do.

That's all we're for just making semen.

You know, we don't birth babies, we don't raise children.

Generally speaking, we should.

We don't do fuck.

All we do is make semen, and it makes us miserable, angry, competitive, dickish human beings.

This whole semen business and the testosterone that goes through it.

So, yeah, everybody's going to have semen and, you know, women are going to have semen, too.

Sexually active or not.

Semen is everywhere.

You're sitting on it right now.

Get up, get up off your chair.

Look down.

There's a bit of semen.

Trust me, it's everywhere and you can't avoid it.

I wouldn't want my food tested because there's probably semen in it.

Cow semen, bull semen.

You know, cows don't have semen, bulls do.

Goats, squirrels.

I saw a squirrel cross the road today.

You think that thing doesn't have Stephen point out of it.

It does.

You learn a lot on my podcast.

You know these things.

But they come out.

You get educated.

You think? Oh, yeah.

You're right, James.

You're right.

Everywhere, Siemens.

Everywhere.

Say, what the fuck away from my laptop, you stupid dog.

Next time, people, I will be back.

And I don't need a fucking voicemail anybody in Germany to tell me to make a podcast.

News story on Bible camp leader performing an excorcism makes me think I heard this story before at a script table read. Dude in Colorado thinks he's healthy by drinking and even soaking his own eyeballs in his urine.

Transcript: 

Announcer: SNEEZE! With James Whittingham.

james: Just had a few sour cream and onion Pringles.

They were hidden in the couch by my partner who didn't want me to eat any because she knows that will eat them all till I die.

I don't love them that much, but really, it's the flavor, it's the mouthfeel, it's the coming back for the extra goo.

And it makes me thirsty.

I want to be thirsty.

So I had a few to me.

So I hydrate better, right? That's why I did it.

I wasn't hungry, really.

I mean, it was arguably hungry.

Little bit.

Christian Clemq sent me another fucking message.

This is the guy.

This is the bastard who sent me a message last week.

Now he sends me another one.

And I have not listened to it yet, so let's listen to it together.

I hope it's good.

Sir Weddingham.

dude.

You didn't have to include my message.

But okay, well, you did.

Why do you keep sending them to me? Like, hearing themselves? This is what you sound like.

I don't and I just got back from the club friday and Saturday I work at the club.

Was I shocked? I was like, oh, new sneeze.

Fuck, it's me.

Yeah, you said, this is what happens.

For the recognition.

And thank you for recording something.

I do enjoy your podcast always, and please do it weekly.

Just don't blame me.

Okay.

All right.

That's pretty good.

Did you fake that? I can't fake a sneeze like that.

Did you sneeze on command? That's impressive.

Yeah, so sorry about that.

I didn't know I wasn't supposed to play it last week or this week.

That's why I didn't listen to it.

See, you send me a message, you get on my fucking podcast.

I don't care.

You cross the street, you might get hit by a car.

You send me a message.

You might be on my podcast.

This is an old lesson that goes back dozens of years, well, to the beginning of podcasting, which I started back in 2003.

A lot of people said Adam Curry started it.

No.

And The Godfather podcasting I started.

It also started Facebook and a number of other things.

Yeah.

Lawsuits are still pending.

So thank you, Christian, for getting me to broadcast.

This is the first time that I've broadcasted two weeks in a row.

A good thing there.

So I was saying last week, I think I thought, why didn't mention this week, my wife partnership stepped in to help her sister, whose partner did not help her, and took her to the hospital when she needed medical care.

And she had to spend her whole day and night doing this.

And she was stressed out and there were problems.

She lost her phone.

It slipped out of her pocket.

Slipped out of her short pocket.

And immediately she knew it was lost.

And I went and I tracked it right away.

And it was at a homeless shelter, basically.

I went to the homeless shelter and the battery in my laptop died and I couldn't track it anymore.

There was long stories trying to get into her account to track it from her phone and we lost it.

So she put up a this is a month ago, she put up a sign in the homeless shelter because she was talking to the homeless shelter people and outside the homeless shelter because she wanted her damn $800 phone back and we don't have the money to replace it.

So nothing happens in a month.

And two nights ago the phone rings at 140 in the morning.

And I've only listened to it at 140 in the morning, so I've not listened to it since then.

I don't expect to be surprised by this.

I'm going to play it for you because I have a message here.

Where would I find the message? I think in my yes, you received a voicemail message at 01:42 a.m.

It's 23 seconds long.

Let's listen to it together.

Hey, bro, I see you lost your Samsung.

But if it was an Apple, well, it could still be lost because they can hack apples now.

What a fucking loss.

An Apple hack.

I better get my new shit cost.

What the fuck was that? It made more sense to be at 130 in the morning than it did now.

What the hell? What the hell is wrong with people? Apples can be hacked.

Fuck him.

You know, fuck.

I don't care if you're homeless or not.

You can't do anything with that fucking phone.

What are you going to do? Sell it for the chip in it or what? I mean, you can't sell a fucking phone for anything.

Nothing.

Not even a taste of meth.

What are you taking someone's phone for? Fuck.

You guys bicycling back and forth.

I saw them too.

As I was sitting outside the the homeless shelter.

I saw the motherfucker running away on his bike.

Yeah, I'd like to punch him in the face, but I'm sure a thousand other people punched him in the face.

I'd like to to punch a homeless person in the face.

Do you know how much grief my wife goes through these days? You know how shitty her old phone is? She has to carry an auxiliary charger around with her.

It's pathetic.

She refuses to buy another phone because she's putting herself through this guilt thing of losing it in the first place.

So she's not going to she shouldn't have lost it.

Fuck him.

And it was locked.

It was locked and it was shut down.

And apparently the Samsung, they shut them down and the telephone company and they can't be used again.

Turning to the news, I have to turn somewhere.

So this is weird.

I got a friend named Lordine.

He's a film director and did Wolf Cop and the sequel to Wolf Cop.

Another wolf cop.

That's what it's called.

And other things as well.

He's continuing to struggle to make films.

And hello, if you're listening and hello to your lovely partner who goes by the name of Dee because she doesn't like to be mentioned in public.

So hello, D.

It's weird to hear your name, isn't it? I'm always going to table readings over the decades with Lowell, and I feel like something in the news, I had already read at a table read one of his scripts because he's a genre filmmaker for the most part.

Here where I live in Saskatchewan, Canada.

We have a very embarrassing situation here.

The headline reads, we all believed he was possessed.

Says Boy, who witnessed exorcism as Saskatchewan Bible Camp.

So that's in the national international headlines because there was a forced exorcism by the Bible camp.

What do you think happens at Bible camps? They go canoeing and then talk.

Jesus.

No, it's exorcisms.

It's pain.

It's sodomy these are what's going on in Bible camps.

So many places.

You drive along the road near a resort and it's like this Bible camp this way.

Where are these fucking Bible camps coming from? And when did they get this free prime property to have these Bible camps? Did God give it to them? No, the church had sway 100 years ago, and they got all these stupid Bible camps, and now they're conducting exorcisms at them.

This guy, this camp leader, had been fired from other camp duties, apparently.

He said the demons had infiltrated the camp.

It doesn't infiltrate non Bible camps, which is kind of funny.

It just infiltrates actual Bible camps.

So, yeah, it was real.

We believed he was possessed by multiple demons, not just one.

Fuck.

I've been possessed by a demon, but not multiple demons.

Come on.

And they said it was a spiritual hotspot.

This Bible can fuck.

This is such a good movie.

The thing is now, if my friend makes the movie that he wanted to make, it's going to be like somebody's going to sue them saying, you stole our idea.

Well, I can vouch for you now, and I'm willing to go to court, put my hand on a Bible, demons and all, and say that my friend Lol had this idea before this actually happened.

At least a version of this idea.

The problem is you have to have child actors.

Child actors in a small budget film.

You have to have a Gazillion dollars.

You have to have Tom Cruise money before you can afford child actors because they only work so many hours and they get good ones.

You have to search far and wide around the world to find them.

So it's an expensive proposition.

Yeah, that's traumatic.

And these poor kids were abused without actually, they're not going to press charges, though, because why do that? So the man who did exorcism calls himself an apostle, the 13th apostle.

He has business cards.

The guy gives out business cards saying he does exorcisms.

You imagine you might have a clown at a party.

That's a kid's party.

But say you have a bachelor party in the old days, you'd get a stripper, right? Which is not politically correct anymore, never was, but it's not now.

Why not get an extra system and he can come and decide who's got the demons in them.

And it's the guy who wanted to have the strippers.

Of course, you could just do that and go ahead with a full that would be fun.

I'm disappointed this guy is going to be shunned by society now because that would be useful.

Pardon me for a minute.

I have to dust something.

I refuse to wait any longer before I dust this, because I'm looking at it now.

Usually my other podcast happens in the dark because there's video.

There's no video for this.

And now the light is shining on things and it's fucking dusty.

My microphone stand is dusty.

My mixer is dust.

Look at all that dust.

You can't it's an audio podcast.

But if you were here, you would see dust and you would maybe oh, that's a lot of dust.

Maybe Sneeze, maybe like Christian back from the club.

By the way, you send me another message.

It's going on the fucking podcast.

Do you hear me in Germany? Do you hear me, boy? It's going on the podcast.

Don't send me a message.

Can't you type? Did you lose your fingers in the war? The great masterpiece and exorcism incident where they've chopped off by the Bible camp to get rid of the urge to bastard.

David Spade, apparently is a former SNL comedian and he's disappointed SNL now.

He says SNL died when what's her name is Hillary Clinton singing Hallelujah.

After Trump won, it seemed to work.

It was a tough time.

Of course, anything would have worked for me.

I was just, you know, sick.

Sick like hell.

All my Trump fans are deleting my podcast now.

That's okay.

I don't want to get political, but fuck you.

Political as I got.

Fuck you, Trump fans.

Fuck you.

Fuck your mother.

Fuck your mother's dog.

Fuck your mother's dead dog.

Fuck your rat.

Fuck the rat under your mobile home.

Fuck it.

Fuck you all.

That's what I have to say about that.

Wednesday demons were the only topic of conversation at the top, and they were all anxious, not accustomed looking for the demons.

I'm sorry.

It's the yelling of the speaking in tongues before declaring the demon purged.

If you don't speak in tongues and scream, the demons not pursue.

I found that myself.

You know, you just have to do a lot of screaming.

This is like violating of the soul.

It's good for you.

It's good to get the demons out and the boys coward.

This is not funny.

This is real shit.

This is not far off.

This is right around the corner.

There are people here and they all partook.

This stupid camp boy now sees he was deceived.

Yeah, he's got Satan in him.

I'm going to look up urine, okay? We haven't done that in a while.

I haven't looked up urine in the news.

I'd like to take the first news story of a Google urine man drank his urine every morning as a natural cure all and also uses it as a foot.

Soak an eye bath.

Okay? I don't care what you soak in your soak.

Your junk in there.

You can get peed on in the Russian hotel room.

I don't care.

But when you're soaking your eyeballs and urine, that's where I draw the line.

He admits he clashed with a housemate over the smell.

His name is Brother Sage.

And why wouldn't it be? He's 68.

He's from Colorado.

He drinks his urine every morning.

He believes urine is a health cure all, uses for football, eye, bass, and soaks himself.

And charges this is charges $345 to teach people.

Not 350, not 300, $345.

So he's up making a lot of money without hitting that 350 mark.

That psychological 350 mark when you pay for someone to teach you about peak consumption.

He dranks his own urine each morning.

He believes it is a natural cure all, says that his bizarre habit has led to a bus stop with his housemate who was sick of the smell, wafting to the kitchen.

Enough with the urine.

Brother's age.

Fuck.

Get your eyeballs out of there.

Wow.

He's currently plugging a course for up to 345 for students who wish to unlock the secrets of their own urine.

Here's a secret of your own urine.

It's waste and you should get rid of it, okay? Unless you're on the space station and you're recycling this fucking stuff, get rid of your goddamn urine right now.

Okay, pee in the bush.

If you're listening to this podcast and your bladder is oh, God.

Okay, I'm going to throw up here.

There was a picture from drinking of a jar.

I'm gagging.

I'm not usually that sensitive to stuff, but holy fuck, I almost tossed my Pringles.

Jesus.

Jesus, Louises, that's disgusting.

I'm turning to the internet people so I can generate a list of a random object and see if a cookie jar really cookie jar? Yeah, my mother used to have a cookie jar.

Well, it's still there.

She's dead.

The cookie jar still exists because my brother took over the house and I'm sure it's got cobwebs in it, but she would fill it with homemade chocolate chip cookies made from a crisco.

This is why I'm fat.

She fed me these at birth.

Yes.

And then I became proficient in getting to the cookie jar from downstairs because, damn, I'd like to cookie.

She got peckish.

You have a cookie right there sitting there all the time.

What else are you going to get? An apple? The fuck is an apple? Those cookies were there, but our floor squeaked.

Horrendously in our house.

It wasn't that old of a house, but the floors weren't well done, and they squeaked.

And I wasn't the lightest of people like I am now, but I wasn't light.

But I found, like, a minefield, and they were a minefield because one squeak and you gave up.

You just pretended you were getting a glass of milk and went back downstairs.

But if I could navigate the minefield to get through all the squeaks, it was like a ballerina.

I was, like, on toes and tiptoeing and dancing around, and I got really good at it so that I would not make any squeaks at all and I could get to that cookie jar and get in there and have all the cookies I wanted.

But sometimes I would screw up and it would squeak and I would say, no, she didn't hear that.

She'd always hear it and come running.

It's too late for cookies.

Fuck, yeah.

Really good at doing so much so that I almost I have high arches.

The high arches helped.

It just makes your foot flexible.

You have a heavy step.

It's flexible, right? It get some spring to it when you have a high arch.

Let's look at another object packing peanuts.

It reminds me both of sex and food, and there's neither.

It's an object that you put in an Amazon.

No, you don't put them in the Amazon package, but they put that in packages.

And what do you do with them? They just blow away into the wind, into somebody's yard and some bird's gullet packing peanuts.

The third one.

What's it going to be? It's going to be random paper.

We ran out of paper the other day.

It's amazing.

What it's like to be out of paper.

It's not good.

It's worse than being out of toner, because you have the toner, you can do something with it.

The toner is the expensive part, but it's impotent.

Your toner is impotent.

Your inkjet, your toner supplying.

Your printer can't do anything without the paper.

Nothing.

The paper is important, and yet it is, in itself, the cheap part of the situation here.

And you can't do anything without it.

The ink just sits there.

You know you can do it.

You can print a whole photograph of just one sheet of paper and it can't be wrinkled.

You can't put a used piece of paper into your printer.

It will jam up, and you'll lose it for life.

All right, let's do the Random Disease Generator.

It's time for a random disease.

There we go.

And it is a lot of syllables.

You know, I can't do this.

I'm not good at this.

Perry.

Venus.

Hey.

Actually, that wasn't too bad.

Perevenis.

I'm guessing it's vascular in some way.

Encephalopirometis.

Okay, I can't say it.

There's one too many syllables in there.

If there was one less syllable, I could say it.

There's too many at the end.

I just get tripped up.

I don't know what that is.

I'm going to find out, though, because I'm googling it right now.

Let's discover together it is an autoimmune pathological hallmark of acute disseminated encephalomic, or Alepriliolitis, let's call it adem is characterized by brief but widespread attack of inflammation in the brain and spinal cord that damages myelin, the protective covering of nerve fibers.

This is one of those diseases that you didn't know about, isn't it? And you're thinking, now I know about something else that can go wrong with me.

Well, here it is.

The symptoms include rapid appearance beginning with encephalitis, symptoms such as fever, fatigue do we really need a random disease of the week, James? After a pandemic, do we really need that? Weakness to the point of paralysis difficulty? Long term prognosis is generally favorable for most individuals.

Recovery begins within days and within six months.

The majority of Adm patients have total or near recoveries.

Others have mild to moderate lifelong impairment ranging from cognitive difficulties, weakness, loss of vision, or numbness or severe cases can be fatal, but it's very rare.

Okay, well, we stayed good news story there.

That's good.

We're going to do a Google News search for penis.

This is from Ghana Web.

It's in very small text, so I'm going to expand it.

And the headline is this I don't get aroused when I massage clients, testicles and penis as therapist.

A massage therapist who specializes in testicular massage, edna Dee Dee something or other.

I can't handle these names.

She's Indian and there's just too many suffers because too many vowels.

In short, she has said that rendering testicular massage to men sometimes gets some men to attempt to take advantage of her.

According to Edna in an interview with blogger Zionfeeliax, this all ensued when she started delivering home service massages to some of her clients outside their office.

I don't get around, she says, but it depends because before I used to offer a home service, I realized it wasn't favoring me.

I was not favoring me because some people wanted to take advantage of me and others, it's really not because of the prostate, they just wanted to see me.

She exposed.

She also added that when she picked up what she thought was going on in her favor, she stopped offering home service therapies and chose to work from her spa only in the claims that at her spa she has bouncers who handle sneaky men who attempt to take her for granted.

When she is going about her work with Argi Desiccals.

She's a bigger woman too, by the way.

Some of these men, they start touching themselves and that's okay, but I chose to do it to my spa instead.

So on that side, at least I have a bouncer and you can't do anything to harm me.

And that's all.

There's a whole new story on this, the fact that this is like an onion piece, but it's not.

It's just this woman says that she's a massage therapist for testicular massage.

I don't know where I stand.

I'm a pervert iVERT with the biggest, but I just don't get it.

Not a hard massage.

If you had blue balls, would it help? Probably make it worse.

They'd be sore.

I don't understand.

Anyway, that's what I got to leave you with now, right? This whole idea of massage.

Sneeshow@gmail.com one word sneezhow@gmail.com you can contact me.

Speak, pipe.com, slash.

Sneeze leave a voicemail.

Especially if you're in Germany and you want to leave me a message.

Yeah, be on the show.

Talk to me.

Testicular massage.

I mean, the massage, by its nature, is not gentle.

I don't know.

I don't know.

You know I can listen to this article, right? Listen to this article now.

Massages to some of her clients outside of her office.

I don't get aroused.

But then it depends.

Because before I used to offer home service and realized it wasn't favoring me.

It was not favoring me because some people wanted to take advantage of me and others, it's not really because of the prostate.

They just wanted to see me.

She disclosed.

Just a quick word from our sponsor.

This is Jay Zeniham.

Listen to my podcast.

you.

Thanks for listening! Be sure to follow/subscribe for more episodes!

My links

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Contact us sneezeshow@gmail.com

Liz Cheney sees through me. She knows every bad thing I've done. 

Christian Klenow sends voice feedback encouraging James to get back behind the microphone.

My links: https://linktr.ee/whittingham

Twitter: @jewhittingham and @sneezeshow

Other podcast: @cleanenergypod

Contact us sneezeshow@gmail.com

Transcript of this episode:

Voicemail: Hi, James.

I was just corresponding with Dave Brodbeck, your friend who introduced me to you, and we had a podcaster meeting here in Hamburg.

That's where where I am.

I was in La for 32 years, but I'm now in Hamburg.

Dude.

Oh, man, I miss your show.

When is the next Sneeze, please? Sneeze for us.

Don't insert pepper into your nostrils, but just record something, please.

not just a fan, I'm also one of the first German speaking podcasters.

And again, you're amazing.

I miss your talent.

with James Whittingham.

Why are you making me do this? I hate it.

I hate it.

I can't I like podcasting.

Once you get started, you know, it's not so bad.

It's been a while since I podcasted.

I apologize for that.

I've already hurt my throat.

And today I've got not a bottle of water, but a bottle of water with a pump on top.

A giant four liter, one gallon bottle of water purchased from the good people at Walmart.

And instead of a little bottle of water, it's a big bottle of water.

And it's got a pump.

It cost me $18 on Amazon.

It's pumping into a little Dixie cuff they use in the bathroom.

You know what? It's one of those situations where it filled more than up.

That it's just whatever the physics is that keeps it in there, that it's bulging over the top, but it's not going to be very carefully.

It's got a lithiumion battery and it's been pumping fall, summer.

Let me get some more.

but I don't know.

It's a pump.

It's a water pump.

Third World countries have these things in wells.

Well, I've got wine in a bottle because I'm not a third World country.

I've got my own bottle of water, which came from God knows where.

I assume a mountain stream.

Let's see.

It says natural spring water.

So gurgled out of the ground into a lake, and then the lake was sent to a municipal water system and they put a charcoal filter on it.

That's probably what it is.

I mean, all water is spring water.

You could say all water is urine, right? I mean, every bit of water we've drank was pissed by something at one point in history.

A dinosaur, a monkey, a fish.

The fish piss.

Seems like they wouldn't even notice.

Why would they notice if a fish pissed? The guy behind you is like, oh, shit, Harry's pissing.

And I'm swimming right into that.

And my gills, which I use for oxygen, are picking up that piss.

That's a pisser for them.

But yeah, I mean, these bottled water shit, you can say anything about them.

It should say natural piss.

Not natural spring water.

Natural piss water.

Because everything has been pissed.

You know, that everything.

Listen, I don't know why I haven't done a podcast.

Hell, I'm thinking about doing a podcast every damn day.

Every day.

Think about that.

Could the three people listening to the show take it if I put out a podcast every day? Yes, they could for a while.

Then they get sick of me.

I have thoughts every day on things.

Sometimes it's the news, sometimes it's my digestive system.

Sometimes it's my urinary tract.

Today I'm pissing a lot.

So pissing came up.

Yeah, it might.

Piss is darker than I hoped it would be.

It used to have a very light piss.

It's turned darker.

I don't think I'm drinking enough water, which is why I bought this damn pump for a big bottle, so I could drink some more water.

However, the glasses, the paper cups I'm using very small.

Further to that, I think a mosquito bit my leg.

And I don't like mosquitoes.

They're bad.

This year, summer is coming to an end.

This is a depressing thought.

If you're me, summer is too short.

Climate change, bring it on.

Then we get winter.

So we reset.

We forget about summer, and we appreciate it.

They say the key to being happy in life this is they they say this is to be thankful.

And that's why Canadians are happier than Americans, because we appreciate summer.

Hell, we appreciate winter sometimes because at least we're not dead.

Usually that's a good thing, not being dead.

And if you are dead and you're listening to this, thank you.

Because I got feedback from Christian this week, and that's why I'm here.

He forced me into this.

You fucking asshole.

I'll find you wherever the hell you are in Europe right now.

I will come to you and find you and yeah.

Why aren't you in Los Angeles? I always thought if I ever needed somebody to stay with in Los Angeles, that would be you.

Or maybe some advice about Los Angeles.

You could live there for, like, 30 years.

Now.

I don't have that.

I've got maybe Ryan Reynolds.

Good friend of mine.

Ryan Reynolds a good guy, too.

Won't return my calls.

So liz Cheney, as you know, is from Wyoming.

She's trying to protect democracy in the United States, which is ultimately protecting democracy everywhere, including here in Canada.

And I don't like her.

I don't agree with her on any political front other than democracy.

Good, authoritarianism, bad.

But that's okay because that's the most important thing when you say there's somebody from another party, but at least you have some commonality.

This is the commonality.

This is the commonality I have with Liz Cheney.

And not to be sexist, I will now say something sexist.

Feeling a bit of an attraction to her.

And this is something that's developed slowly.

And I know if you're male, you feel the same way.

If I could program a robot dominatrix for myself, for my own personal pleasure, I would say, give me the Cheney with chains.

Liz Cheney with chains.

Just because I feel guilty.

I feel like I've done something bad around her.

I look at her, and I feel guilty, like I ate an extra cookie today.

Channing knows I enjoyed sneezing liz cheney knows that I had pleasure.

The church of Cheney dictates that no one be happy, because clearly she's not happy.

I've never seen her smile.

I've never seen her laugh or tell a joke.

She's humorless.

This is perfect for the robot down atrix flavor.

If I were to pick 1 second to list Cheney, I don't know who it would be, honestly.

Hillary Clinton, maybe.

I mean, if I was having lunch with Hillary, I would feel guilty just about not being a better person, about not doing enough and not pulling my weight to keep the world a better place and being lazy.

I think Cheney and Clinton would both know that it's not just being mean.

It's not like I look at her and I say, she's mean.

And that's why I think she would make the perfect dominatrix for me, or at least her personality applied to something else.

She is a person.

She's not a dominatrix.

She's got her own career, and she's talented and good at what she does, I suppose, but that doesn't preclude us.

I mean, have you seen the president of Finland? She's like, 36 and has active ovaries, which is very attractive to him at my age.

Anyone with active ovaries? I've spilled a tiny cup of my water.

I have to get some more here.

There we go.

That's refreshing.

It's room temperature, but it's still refreshing.

Oh, the itch.

I'm just constantly scratching myself and getting pleasure out of it.

Ms.

Cheney, please, madam senator, punish me for a bad.

Yeah, well, that's something that you did need to see me and tattered underwear getting restrained on Saturday night in a dungeon by channy with Hillary Clinton in the wings.

What about a male dominatrix? Why do they have to be female? Who would be my male dominatrix? Who would I feel guilty in front of automatically? The pope would make a good dominatrix.

He has that talent.

He has that ability that whatever that thing is to make you feel guilty about just existing.

And the Pope was in Canada recently.

If I was looking them in the eye, I would say, he sees through me.

He sees into me, and he knows that I'm a bad person.

He knows all the bad things I've done.

And there's a lot there's a lot of bad things I've done.

I can't begin to tell you the bad things I've done.

I mean, I could outline maybe one or two a show, but I don't think there's a statute of limitations in Canada that protects me from some of the bad things I've done, so I'm not going to do that.

So the pope, he would have this little smile on his face as he whipped you, and he said, gems, you're bad.

Take some more of this.

I like the bruise.

Yeah, that's the kind of pope he is.

He would be a good dominator.

It slips my mind with the name for dominatrix.

Is that a gender specific name or is it going to be a male? Why is there no male dominatrix? Is it because males are assholes anyway? Violent, masculine assholes.

And we always look for that in our sexual deviance.

Heterosexual people with a female figure wearing leather.

What does leather have to do with it, by the way? Liz Channy and leather.

Why couldn't she be wearing a nice picnic dress, nice summer dress, or maybe a nice senate suit? Yes, it's the senate suit she's going to wear because, you know, she'll see right through me and punish me just like the pope would.

The pope knows where to go.

He knows where your deepest dirtiest thoughts are.

And as an experienced pope, he can see those.

He sees everything because he's close to god, you understand? And god knows everything, and he or she imparts that onto the pope.

And the pope just knows everything you've done, and he punishes it for you.

Maybe I feel like I've had too many things in my life that have gone unpunished.

Maybe I need some sort of resolution to the issues of the bad things I've done.

Maybe the idea of guilt could be solved with being punished for being a bad boy.

I thought, that's a terribly bad boy.

Who knows? I've been to Wyoming.

Sadly, I've been to Wyoming several times because Wyoming stands between me and Denver, and Wyoming is like the shittiest state in the union next to the Dakota, of course, but it's a terrible fucking state with terrible fucking people.

Can you imagine being left wing in Wyoming? It would be, I don't know, like being gay in the catholic church.

I don't know.

That seems actually quite common compared to other places, so I'm not so sure about that.

Take that back.

But yeah, and it's like one and three people supported her in the election and two and three didn't.

It's just a terrible state.

They have nothing.

They have coal.

You drive by coal plants with coal trains that go on and on, no one cares.

And the world is changing.

They're not burning coal anymore.

So what does Wyoming have left? It has maybe six horses and it's got a walmart.

You walk into the walmart and they've got this big display of all the people who've fought and died in wars, and it's big.

It's huge.

All the Wyomings wyoming nerves wyomers, wyomers have gone off and they've shot themselves, you know, in the foot and died.

I assume they shot themselves because they're so stupid.

I guess the idea is that Wyoming being a rugged, difficult state with not much there other than a tumbleweed and a rock, you have to be an independent sort of minded people.

So all out of the pool of humanity, the independent government hating crepes went there.

And it's like Australia.

Wyoming is like the Australia of the United States.

It's just criminals and people who don't want authority, but also really don't want to have a life worth talking about either.

They just want to exist and hate on things and be conservative.

And that's where Dick Cheney comes from and his daughter Liz.

See, Dick himself wouldn't make a very good dominatrix.

He got the CIA to do his torturing, right? And he cowardly said he had nothing to do with it or that it was perfectly fine and old man heart doesn't work.

Fucker.

Still alive somehow.

The daughter equally conservative, maybe more so.

Conservative and good dominatrix material, at least the personality.

If you're going to program a personality into something, I would do the Liz Cheney.

So, Liz, if you're listening, saturday nights is my dominatrix night, and between seven and nine, I tried to be punished.

So you know where to find me.

I can find you.

You do whatever you tell me to do.

I will do whatever you tell me to do.

It doesn't matter.

The United States, of course, is in the midst of a culture war where climate change is part of the woke movement.

People who are awoke, people who are unwoke, are vampires or dead.

The undead in the 70s, woke people used to be zombies, right? And the zombies, they would wake up from the grave and be woke, and they would cause trouble.

They'd kill you if they could eat your brains and all that.

I'm concerned about the world and where it's going.

Aren't you? I feel like democracy is a good thing.

I've been brainwashed to believe this.

China thinks I'm wrong.

Pardon me, I have to take a sip.

You know, if I put Koolaid in there, it would just kick it up a notch, a whole notch.

It's just that Koolaid water has artificial sweeteners in it, so it kind of has an aftertaste nowadays.

But then I drank artificial artificial sweeteners all the time.

So if I drank sugar, it would have an aftertaste as well.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

My partner's phone was stolen at the hospital.

She's at the hospital taking her sister there because her husband wouldn't, and it turns out that possibly saved her life.

And then she dropped her phone immediately taken.

I tried to search it.

I tried to track it, and I went to a homeless shelter, and I went to the homeless shelter, and then my phone died, and I couldn't track it anymore.

And then I saw some creepy guy drive away on a bike.

Probably threw it in a trash bin.

So now we're trying to find her a phone.

What a pain in the ass.

Did nothing for him.

Did nothing for him.

It was locked.

It was locked and secured.

There was nothing he could possibly have done with it.

And yet I don't know if he ate it.

I hope he didn't, for his sake, because he's probably dead now.

You can eat a phone.

There's a lot of sharp things in there, not to mention radiation and such.

People are afraid of radiation from five G.

I hope you're listening to this on 5G, honestly, because that means you're sane and the age of tin foil hats is here.

People are worried about 5G.

It's amazing what people are worried about.

It's amazing what people fall for.

I accidentally found myself on a Conservative thread.

Some shit poster from my province posted something about liberals on a hotel sign.

And it was so obviously photoshopped.

But thousands of people right on.

I'm staying at that hotel, and it was so bloody obviously Photoshopped.

And these idiots, these fucking idiots are all woke.

You know who's woke? The fucking right.

The fucking idiot right is woke.

They were dormant.

They were in their basement going about their jobs.

Now they are woke.

They're fucking woke and they want a piece of the world that's changing.

They don't like the change in the world.

Well, fuck them.

Fuck you.

Woke right.

People don't give a fuck about you.

I don't give a fuck about your mother.

Your mother didn't love you.

If you're listening to this and you're a woke right person, fuck you, you idiot.

You're falling for shit.

You're getting your news off of Facebook.

You're not part of reality.

You're wrecking the fucking world.

You're the ones who woke.

Go back to your fucking basement.

Nerds.

Nerds are woke too.

They're misogynist pieces of shit now.

Nerds, crypto bros and the like.

Fuck you, too.

All these people think that these dorky young white men should be in charge of the world, and they're failing to do so.

Well, that's too bad.

I had a long time fan tell me on YouTube that it's okay to be racist.

I blocked him.

I was heartbroken.

I've mentioned it before in the show and it came up again the other day.

And I just have all the things in the world that I hate and cannot stomach and makes me sad and sick.

It's racism.

And to think that somebody was a fan of mine in the is a happy racist.

I blame Kevin Allardyce, my co star.

It wasn't me.

It was obviously signals that Kevin was sending out some Arian shit out of his fucking ears.

Fuck you, Kevin.

Kevin Allardyce.

Just for the transcript so he can search himself.

Fuck you, Kevin, you racist piece of shit.

He's not racist, not that I know of.

He's not a perfect human being.

Who is? He got a new car recently.

Very happy about himself.

It's not a new car.

It's new to him and a bit of a midlife crisis for my former comedy star.

That's all I'm going to talk about this week because I think I've given you more than you deserve, and you don't deserve anything.

That's what Cheney would say if she was looking at you now, she would hate you.

She would say, Why are you listening to podcast? Why are you listening to this fat, stupid fuck from Canada on a podcast? Don't you have anything better to do? And then she would say this as she was tying your hands behind your back and strapping you to a chair and sharpening her chain, which she would chain you.

She whip your ass with chains.

Like chains.

Not chains that are going to kill you, but change that will leave a mark and make you scream in pain and fear.

Because that's what Liz Cheney would say if she knew that you were.

And she'll find out.

She'll find out.

She has the Internet.

She has people who will find you.

So I'll look out for Liz Cheney coming to look for you.

I'm James.

I don't know who the fuck you are, but thank you for listening.

Talk to you again sooner than you damn well think.

James was triggered by the slap heard around the world at the Oscars. Plus James answers questions until you get to know him. I'm on youtube and twitter.

sneezeshow@gmail.com

All links James: https://linktr.ee/whittingham

Twitter: @jewhittingham and @sneezeshow

Other podcast: @cleanenergypod

Contact us sneezeshow@gmail.com

Transcript of this episode:

Sneeze with James Whittingham.

Well, hello.

It's me.

It's James.

And we're going to have a little talk again this week, aren't we? Another little talk, you and I conversing, except you're not going to say a fucking thing or I'll slap your ass.

I'm really upset by the Oscars and I'm a little embarrassed by it because I don't know why I'm upset.

I mean, it's not like I shouldn't be upset.

I see lots of other comedians are particularly sensitive to the idea of violence against comedy.

I don't know why.

It's in my psyche somewhere.

Maybe it's happened to me before.

The fear has always been there.

Or maybe I was just beaten to a pulp as a kid.

One can't necessarily remember, but it bothered me.

Well, I'm in Canada where you fight in hockey and it's considered the best part of the game.

I hate fighting in hockey.

I'm not a hockey fan per se.

It used to be when I was a kid, but never been to a hockey game until I was.

And then I saw a fight and I thought, that's barbaric.

What the fuck are they doing? This is acceptable in our society.

I didn't have kids at the time.

I was just about to have kids and I thought, I'm not taking my kids to a hockey game.

So I didn't until they were old enough to understand.

Not that I understand.

It was just totally fucked up.

The Oscars, everybody hates watches the Oscars, but they watch it.

Everybody's watching it.

I don't hate to watch them.

I love the Oscars.

I've always loved the Oscars.

I've loved the movies that the Oscars celebrate, almost always.

I love them.

I'm not a film stock up nerd.

I like those movies.

That is fair to say also that I don't like superhero movies that much.

I don't get as much out of them as I do, say, an Oscar nominated best picture, but that's just me.

Maybe I didn't read enough comic books as a kid because I was illiterate.

So blame it on my stupidity for not getting more into comic book films and superheroes.

I do watch them.

I do enjoy them, but I don't enjoy them as much as I should.

I just don't get that excited about them.

So when that slap thing happened, I knew right away it was real.

I didn't know it was real until he threw his fist across his face and assaulted Chris Rock, but I didn't have to wait for him to sit down and start shouting obscenities and see the look on his face, which he could not fake.

Will Smith, capable actor, could not pull shit like that off.

Chris Rock, capable actor.

I know that reaction.

I know it.

It was real and it was just so sour to see the Oscars soured like that, just chat upon after my whole life and another life before mine of dignity and celebration, of the art form that I studied in university that I fell in love with when I was a child, going to the theater every week, and I respected.

I just watched fucking Will Smith smoothie.

Now I don't want to look him in the face.

Now I'm triggered to see his fucking face.

I cannot even see him and not feel bad.

I just watched him at king Richard, which I thought he was pretty good, but not best picture, not best actor good.

I saw some inconsistencies.

pulled back the understanding of it.

He also reminded me of my brother Bill, the character he played, which I thought was a positive in the portrayal of him.

Anyway I can't get over.

It's like the world changed.

It's like September 11.

It's like trump being elected president, and then the Oscar slap.

That's how I feel about it.

For me, my world has changed.

The Oscars will never be a safe place.

The Oscars will never be guaranteed.

I mean the fuck up at the end of the Oscars a couple of years ago with the reading of the wrong name, that was pretty legit.

The world is falling apart, people.

Okay? It's falling apart.

I went and bought an air freshener at the dollar tree dollar 25.

Searched through them all, found a red one, because I like red, and it was a berry scent.

It was one of them.

We recently had one in our tiny bathroom.

They call it real estate agents.

They call it a powder room.

So it's just a turlot and a sink, and that's a small room, so you should be able to smell it, and I can't.

And no, I don't have covet.

I have been checked for covet, and I smell everything else.

I smell myself smelling myself right now.

But I'm telling you that this thing, this air freshener, this wax cone that imitates the glade air fresheners has, no offense, no scent whatsoever.

I put it right up to my nose.

It is a piece of colored wax that has no scent.

It does not absorb scent, and it's supposed to emit scent, a pleasant, bury scent, and it is nothing.

The world has gone to shit.

When you can't get an air freshener for your shitter that smells like anything, even if it smells like a bad invitation to berry, we'd be ahead of where we are now.

But no, the world has gone to absolute motherfucking shit.

People are assaulting people at the Oscars, and they're not getting hauled away, and then they're getting applauded when they win the o.

What the fuck is wrong with this goddamn world? What is it? If the covet factor wasn't bad enough, then don't blame the shit on COVID, and don't blame it on mental illness, because there's been no talk of mental illness yet.

He certainly seemed to completely lose his shit.

And the fact that he had his publicist come on at every commercial break at three commercial breaks before his award or whatever to find that perfect tone to hit leads me to believe that he and then dancing with a fucking Oscar at a party afterwards like nothing had happened.

No.

You bishlap Chris Rock at the Oscars, you go home and you're a mouse.

Nobody knows you exist.

You hide, okay? Air fresheners don't stink.

Oscars.

I don't know, man.

It's just I've got a sick admission for you.

I've got a very sick admission for you.

It's not sexual.

It's how the war in Ukraine has made me feel normal.

This is normal.

War somewhere far away is normal.

It's what I grew up with.

There's always somebody invading.

As much as I am completely distressed by that, I am as much as anyone.

And it's just I can't even I've got to take a break from the television set because I am just full of empathy for the Ukrainians.

But at the same time, somehow it feels normal.

As bad as it is, if you can count on bad things that you are used to that it's.

Somehow the world is what it's supposed to be, and it's a lot scarier where the world is not supposed to be what it is now.

Tell that to Ukrainians who were living their life just fine until this shit happened for no good reason.

All right, the computer is asking me I'm being asked what is my favorite candy? Good question.

Thank you for the question.

Let's see here.

My favorite candy is anything that tastes like the fruity flavors of red orange and that's it.

Red orange.

If you were a vegetable, what vegetable would you be? I'd be a horny banana.

Because essentially what I've always been is a horny banana.

Yeah.

A little bit brown, a little bit a few places around bruises.

The peel starting to come off a little bit.

Something like that.

And as I get older, the band and I had to get softer and less fresh.

It's beyond ripe now.

It's now moving into the not so ripe section.

Madonna.

If she didn't take it already.

I would change it to Madonna something with Zack Powers or something stronger and less British.

What are you interested in that most people haven't heard of? Staying with sex.

I'm kidding.

I'm not going to talk about sex.

I would say, yeah, okay, here's something.

I'm interested in aviation.

I'm interested in air traffic control.

Sometimes I go down a rabbit hole of air traffic control on YouTube and I listen to when planes get into stress.

It's like reality television for me, except this is actual reality reality television.

Of course, as you know, if you were smart it's so fucking fake.

I have smart people in the TV industry who watch reality television.

I think I can watch 5 seconds before I think, fake, fake, fake.

That's fake.

Obviously coached.

I mean, it's so obvious to me.

And yet these people watch it.

Now, I can suspend my disbelief for a lot of things.

I'll watch mostly movies sometimes and get into it.

But ultimately reality television.

I know how they do it.

It's obvious stuff.

And you create drama and conflict where there isn't any.

So you take that away and you take the music away and you've got kindergarten at best.

Somebody fighting over a banana.

The last book you gave up and stopped reading? The phone book.

What's your worst habit? Overeating.

What's one of your favorite smells? Overeating and digestion 8 hours later.

What's your earliest memory? Interesting.

My earliest memory is going downtown with my mother and going to some sort of restaurant, some sort of open space restaurant and having a pure orange drink and a glass.

And I remember just being fixated on how orange the glass was filled with orange drink, orange juice.

It was an orange pop of some sort.

And that's my earliest memory for some reason.

Of course it's food related.

It's my fucking obese.

You've lost all of your possessions but one.

What would you want it to be? Oh, shit.

I'm going to have to save my computer because I create with my computer.

I don't know.

That's a tough one.

What's something you wish you'd figured out sooner? Women.

Can't say I fully figured them out, but I know how they operate now.

I know how they go.

I know what the deal is.

I wish I figured that out in high school or maybe even earlier.

And by the way, it's pretty easy.

What was your favorite teacher and why? Who was your favorite teacher? I didn't have any.

My kindergarten teachers.

The last teacher gave me any respect, they cast me a little Red Riding Hood as a wolf.

I don't really remember, but I'm pretty sure I sparkled.

What is one of the greatest value that guides you in your life? Don't harm others in your group of friends.

What role do you play? Beastmaster.

What's your worst habit? Frequent masturbation.

Pizza or tacos? Pizza.

But tacos second or third? What is something you could never seem to finish? Career success.

What's on your bucket list this year? Career success.

Who inspires you to be better? Everyone with career success.

Have you ever saved someone's life? Not that I know of.

But I am pretty good at swerving and avoiding accidents sometimes and there's been a few people I've had the question whether they would have survived it or not.

What's something you learned in the last week? That the gummies I bought aren't in fact CBD only.

What issue will you always speak out about your mind? That's racism and sexism.

What's the story behind one of your scars? Got a little round scar on my right wrist.

Yeah, you can barely see it now.

It's on my right wrist.

I was put on a horse when I was three years old at Buffalo Days festivities in the city of Regina where I lived.

And I didn't want to get on a horse.

I was scared and I got off and my dad was a smoker and the cigarette went right into my hand and gave me a scar.

I don't remember him being too upset about it.

I don't remember me being upset about it.

But I never don't want you to get on the damn horse.

It's not one of those scars that gets you chicks either.

It's a conversation piece, but it's not really.

Nobody likes to see their dad score their child.

What's the best thing you got from one of your parents? My dad was a decent man.

My mother was not.

I got decency from my dad.

What is one of your favorite smells? I'm a french fries.

The grease in a restaurant, baking bread.

Anything chocolate.

What would you do on a free afternoon in the middle of the week? I would podcast.

What's one of your favorite comfort foods? Chips and dip.

It is my Kryptonite.

And if chips and dip didn't exist and we went back in time and somebody uninvented chips and dip if you were looking at me now, I would drop to half the size I am and also probably have long flowing hair.

What is an incredibly strong opinion you have that is completely unimportant in the grand scheme of things? I guess the fact that I live among rednecks, that it's a very rednecky place I live.

It really doesn't matter, you know.

Rednecks are everywhere.

What languages do you speak? A good question.

None.

Do you have any nicknames? Now, when I was a kid I was called Jamie by my parents and everyone called me Jamie.

And then the bionic woman came out and people were calling me Jamie Summers Haha.

You're Jamie Summers Haha.

Grade three.

And then I saw James Bond movie and I realized I went to St.

James church and I realized that by Bruce is James, so I changed it to James.

So if you call me Jim or Jimmy, it means nothing to me.

You know what I mean? You might as well call me Harry or Frank.

This is a completely different name.

However, my friends call me Jim or Jimmy as a ironic nickname.

I've been totally wrong.

I'm not making that up.

Jay said it, in case you're asking.

Yeah, it feels perfectly natural.

Feels like a nickname.

An enduring nickname.

Terminal of endurance.

Would you rather be stuck on a broken ski lift or a broken elevator? It depends.

If I was by myself if I was by myself, I could piss off the ski.

I worry about my bladder.

But you could die in an elevator.

Somebody could shit on the floor.

I don't know.

Ski lift seems better.

Fresh air.

They'd come get you faster.

You could see them coming to get you too.

What democracy are you most proud of? Getting second place in wrestling and grade eight.

In my weight division out of two people.

The fact that I participated, I was terrified to take off my shirt and then finally did.

And it got dropped in my head almost immediately by someone twice my size because it was everyone over x number of pounds, and that guy was a lot over x number of pounds.

I was a little bit over x number of pounds and he dropped me on my head.

But I freaking feel great about it.

I got my number two ribbon.

I still have it maybe somewhere today.

All it says is number two.

Do you ever sing when you're alone? Yes.

Christmas songs in the shower.

What talent would you show off at a talent show? That's tough because I don't do stand up comedy.

Boy, I could dribble a basketball six times.

I don't know.

What's one place you've traveled that you never want to go back to? Wyoming.

Fuck you, wyoming.

We hit a deer in Wyoming.

I didn't like Wyoming before we hit the deer.

There's a lot of deer in Wyoming.

And we hit one of them.

And then we had to deal with the local sheriff, who was just what you would expect in the middle of nowhere.

We had to call 911 twice in order to do that's what they told us to do in order to get the police.

You have to call 911 for anything.

So they transferred me to another 911 service and I had to say what my emergency was twice.

And it wasn't an emergency.

I don't know, I felt like I had to put on a podcast with the thoughts of my day, and I did.

And I've got a good mind just to scrap this recording and put it away, but I'm not going to because I care about you.

I know if you're still listening, that you're really into the stupid things I'm saying.

So good for you.

So I'll be back.

And one of these days I got to put some fucking effort into the show, some real strong effort.

I just haven't figured out what that was.

The pandemic threw me through for a loop.

I'm just struggling to find the joy in a comedy podcast for now, but I'll be back.

I'll be there.

See you soon.

Connect with James on social media by searching sneeze show.

Thanks for listening to/reading Sneeze!

How James plans to 'get rid of' 'The Russian Perogie' due to his war on Ukraine.

All links James: https://linktr.ee/whittingham

Twitter: @jewhittingham and @sneezeshow

Other podcast: @cleanenergypod

Contact us sneezeshow@gmail.com

Transcript of this episode:

Obese man on obese world Obesity Day 2022 Drinking a Diet Pepsi because he can't drink water.

He needs, needs everything to be sweet.

Here it goes from a bottle.

Not a good patch.

That was carbon dioxide releasing from my belly.

I'm not high.

I'm not anything.

Hello.

This is my plan to kill Vladimir Putin.

Vladimir Putin, the autocratic dictator of the Federated, russia of Russia.

To which I say to you, fuck you, Vladi.

Fuck you, you treasonous, war criminal, small, bunker minded, tiny man.

I'm coming to kill you.

Yes, you.

This is how I'm going to do it.

You need to be killed.

You need to be spanked.

Honestly.

Of course you need to be spanked.

But I think you would enjoy that.

Being the man who hangs out in oligarch circles on yachts with young impressionable women with low selfesteem.

Probably spanking you for thousands of dollars and jewelry gifts.

That's their problem.

One day they will end up dead.

No one will care.

They should care.

But they're not going to, are they? Because you're going to make people not care.

The truth is out there.

Accepted Russia, where truth does not exist.

Truth is such a precious commodity that people, when they actually hear the truth, don't believe it.

Like those who listen to Fox News as those who think that the vaccine is doing something permanent to you when science says otherwise.

Putin probably made you think that not taking the vaccine going on Facebook is the real microchip implantation.

Russia is no doubt involved in this shit of making people stupid.

And that's why I'm going to fucking kill Vladimir Putin middle name.

Get this, vladimirovich the man so nice, they named him basically twice.

Vladimir.

Vladimirovich.

That's like Jameson Whittingham.

Here's how I'm going to do it.

The poison agent that killed or almost killed his opposition leader or opposition figure in the country is Novocalk.

Okay? Now you know how dangerous this is.

Contaminated planes by the dozens.

And it's a nerve agent.

There's a trace that can kill you.

So I'm getting the same room as Vladi out of the pretense that I am a yacht broker, because you know there's going to be a lot of yachts on the open market.

I try to pick one up myself.

These are yachts that are going to be seized by these fuckers who support Putin and took all of Russia's money.

One owns a steel plant just down the road from me.

It's amazing.

Fucking oligarchs and their yachts.

Their billion dollar yachts.

You know, the disco is in the basement of the yacht.

I think that's a mistake.

I think the disco should be on the top floor.

I don't want to go down into the CD Club if I own the world that this club exists in.

I wanted to be up high.

Let it be under the stars.

Let it be a rooftop party.

Let it have a deck that opens up so you can see the stars.

Put the disco on the roof along with the pool and the helipads.

You can't have a million dollar yacht without a helipad and a helicopter.

You need an escape route.

Do you know the fanciful thing that seems unbelievable about these fucking yachts? They have anti paparazzi lasers.

The lasers can detect camera flashes and instantly respond by blinding the camera so that you cannot take pictures of it.

These things are real.

I checked it out.

It's not a myth.

They actually have anti paparazzi lasers on them, as well as anti aircraft and anti terrorist shit.

Russian Pepsi.

Alright, vladi, you know, he sits across giant tables.

He's paranoid of covet.

I don't think he's taking the vaccine.

He made his daughter take the vaccine.

But he's so paranoid at covet that his tables are like a block long.

They're city block long.

I'm not even kidding.

They're huge.

They've had to construct these tables to make Vladi look like he should end sit at one of the ends of it.

Yeah.

So that's where my meeting would take place, as all meetings do with Putin on the end of a block long table where you have to shout to the other side.

It's true.

I think he's scared of being poisoned.

But here's what I've looked at the rooms of where he has his meetings.

There's like four or five doors on them.

So what I'm going to do is I'm going to make my pitch for my yachts, okay? I want to sell them a yacht.

I'm going to secure yacht and that's going to be my pitch.

I'll have a translator there as well.

I don't know who that's going to be, but someone sexy to distract him.

Not that sexy because I got to get to that in a minute.

There's going to be a different kind of sexy that's going to distract him.

What I'm going to do is I'm going to touch all the doors and I'm going to tell him, all right, there's no shock and all the doors and I'm going to die within three minutes.

But here's the deal.

Here's the deal, Vladi.

I want you to give up what you're doing in the Ukraine.

In Ukraine.

Not the Ukraine.

It's not the Canada, it's not the Iceland.

It's Ukraine.

Just fucking Ukraine.

James.

Okay? I want you to give it up, Vladi.

And here's what you're going to do.

You're going to tell your troops right now on the phone, on the blower to pick it up and tell them to leave or I'm going to come and touch you.

Now, he knows Taekwondo, supposedly, but he's an old man.

He's getting old, obviously.

He's going crazy.

Bat shit fucking crazy.

So he'll come at me, my defense, dropping my pants.

You know how he hates anything gay in the Russia.

Just comes out really against gay.

He's homophobic.

I'll drop my pants.

Two things will happen.

Either he is gay and he'll be consumed by the glisten of my penis.

Consumed.

Or he'll be so disgusted that he'll just stop in his track so he won't go near me.

Okay, this is why penises are a great self defense, and they're often not used in that way.

There's two ways that it'll go.

Either he is gay and he'll be taken aback by the glisten of my penis, the shining orb that is my junk, or he'll be completely scared of it.

And most people are scared of it, to be honest.

This will help me work.

With the tools you have, they're not going to take off my penis before I enter the room.

They might try to take it off afterwards.

That's what I'm going to do.

Okay? Now, I assume somewhere in the room there's a fork.

And with that fork, I'm going to stab him in the heart.

I'm not going to kill him.

I'm going to kill him, and then I'm going to eat them because he looks like a pirogi to me.

And on behalf of the Ukrainian people, I'm going to eat Putin.

And then when the guards come in, I'll say, it was never here.

Once again, here, because I've eaten them.

And I'll say, what are those bones over there? Oh, we had some chicken.

Vladi has really big chickens.

He doesn't show them to everybody he works with, but he does.

He has very big chickens.

Those are like I said, we just had a really good time meeting them.

And that's how I'm going to kill him, basically with my penis, a dinner fork, and the threat of the very poison he used against other people.

It's simple.

I don't know why somebody's not doing it.

I don't know why I have to do this shit.

There should be spies that can do this.

And why haven't they done it a long time ago? He's out of control.

The man is a menace.

Should be cluster bombing his fucking mansion, his palace in the woods.

Why are we doing that? Maybe a small nuke on that would be nice.

God, I hate that fuck.

Vladimir.

Vladimirovic Putin.

Suck my fucking white cock, you useless piece of pirogi shit.

Going to bring salt with me? They'll probably not let me have salt.

I'm going to try.

I'll PrePat it down for salt.

Maybe if I put salt in my pocket, just loosely, a little bit of pepper.

I don't want to eat him raw, but I will get rid of him.

Or maybe I'll psychologically make him realize that he's gay and make him stab himself in the heart because he despises it.

He's so afraid of it.

My junk will make Putin realize he's gay and he'll kill himself.

That's the bunker mentality.

Yes.

That's how it's going to go down.

Wrinkly, middle aged man scrotum freshly waxed at the parlor, the Russian parlor.

They don't care about paying much there, do they? Maybe we should get it done overseas, here in North America.

Anyway, that's my plan.

I'm going to kill him as soon as I can.

I'm learning as much as I can about yachts.

I'm trying to get one myself.

I would rent it out as an airbnb.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not stupid, but I wouldn't rent the whole thing out to rich people.

I just rent it out to moderately rich people so everybody could be like my own cruise ship.

Like $5,000 a night for one of the bunks.

And that's not including food.

You pay for your food.

The big buffet grossly biased by my fast food habits.

So we're talking hamburgers, french fries, tacos on Tuesdays and Saturdays, and pizza vagina style.

You don't know what that is, but you won't even be able to look it up.

I'm afraid it'll be hard.

You'd have to do some deep digging to find what Regina style pizza is.

I think it's thick and saucy.

So what else would I cake? Yeah, like I said, it's world obesity day today, and it's also world engineering day.

So I got a kid in engineering university, and so he celebrated.

I'm celebrating.

We're both going to have cake.

It'll be more apt that I have the cake, being obese as it is and celebrating the day.

Yeah, and I'll wear my mask, too.

Damn it.

You know what? He'll probably want me to wear a mask.

I could say the mask has the poison, but I've bitten a pill in my molar and I've got pills in my molar.

I've got all kinds of them.

I've got a flintstones in one, I've got poison pill in another.

I've got various pills in my molars.

I'm not a spy, but you want to be prepared with these things if you can.

I'm a man who likes to be prepared, and putting pills in my mowers is certainly one of the first steps I took when I became an adult.

And you got to get it replaced.

Every few years.

They do expire, so the dentist will say, james, your poison pills expired.

We'd like to see you in the next three months.

Otherwise it's going to be pointless or not as effective when you crunch the poison pill, because you'll just die slowly and stuff instantly.

What you want to do if you're under dress and torture.

So, yeah, it's not easy.

It's not cheap either.

You got to get a lot of work done to get those pills out.

It's hard too.

You got to crack the molar rate open.

But it's doable.

It's doable.

And when you're under stress, a lot of adrenaline is not that hard.

Not as hard as you think.

I've practiced it.

So yeah, the man, the fucker, the loser, the piece of shit has to die.

And I'm surprised that the whole world isn't marching into Ukraine and fighting.

I know some people are.

I know it's crazy, but I feel like we have to fight for democracy, that it's worth it, that this is an actual fight for democracy.

We'll do it on Ukraine soil.

I'm sorry, Ukraine.

I'm sorry.

It's shitty.

The whole world is shitty.

I mean, you think you can't get any shittier and suddenly Vladimir Putin, the progeny of Russia, the man named twice because his parents thought that he probably wouldn't remember a middle name, so they gave him his first name again because he was too stupid.

Fuck you, Putin.

I'm going to stick a fork in your heart.

Then I'm going to eat you.

I'm going to eat you.

Then I'm going to say you're left over chicken.

A giant chicken.

That's what you are.

Leftover chicken.

When the people come into the room.

Fuck you.

So I'm not a killer.

I don't kill people.

But you deserve to be killed in the worst way, with a dinner fork.

My dinner fork.

The dinner fork of an obese yacht agent.

A man who sells possessed yachts to the uber wealthy.

Maybe he'll be trying to get a yacht back for one of his buddies.

But the word is he's estranged from everyone.

He's probably estranged from his children.

Why would you talk to this man? He's such a piece of shit.

He's the world's biggest loser.

Hitler had a mustache.

Flat.

He can't grow one.

Hitler had hair.

He had wonderful hair.

Flatty.

Can't grow hair.

Imagine how he feels.

A failed artist, a useless piece of shit in total control of information and everything.

And yet he fears becoming Mumar Gaddafi.

Sodomized as he's dragged off and killed from his bunker.

That's what's going to happen.

Except the fork is going to be the sodomy and the asshole is going to be your heart, because you are an asshole.

Going to cut it there.

I hope the next time I talk to you, things are better in the world.

I don't think they will be.

It's important to listen what great minds like myself have to say about this.

And it's important to know that I will kill Vladimir Putin.

See you next time.

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