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    Podcast Summary

    • Unexpected joy from new experiencesNew experiences can bring joy and wisdom, from trying new food to talking with elders. Record and share memories to keep them alive.

      The joy of new experiences can come from unexpected places, whether it's trying out delicious new food like the latest KFC chicken nuggets or having meaningful conversations with an old man living on a narrowboat for 60 years. The old man's stories about the waterways and his unique perspective on life offer valuable insights, reminding us that age doesn't determine wisdom or the ability to share fascinating experiences. Additionally, the importance of recording and preserving memories, whether through podcasting or writing memoirs, was emphasized as a way to keep these experiences alive and share them with others.

    • A man's longing to leave the canal and live at seaTo avoid misunderstandings and accidents on the canal, new users should educate themselves and gain confidence in their abilities.

      The speaker in this conversation has a deep longing to live at sea, having been stuck on the canal for a long time. He shares a tragic story about his wife who fell and was killed between the lock doors while they were starting their canal journey many years ago. He expresses regret for not understanding the technical aspects of operating the locks, which led to frustration and potential conflicts with other boaters. Therefore, his advice for new canal users is to educate themselves and be confident in their abilities to avoid misunderstandings and accidents. The speaker's memoir is about his desire to leave the canal life behind and embrace the vastness of the sea.

    • Navigating Narrowboat Life: Challenges and CommunityLiving on a narrowboat brings unique challenges and isolation, but the communal aspect can provide assistance. Humor and finding joy in simple things are essential for coping with the challenges.

      Living on a narrowboat comes with its unique challenges and isolation. The speaker shared his experience of upsetting the locals and facing the consequences of it, including being ignored for help and having a leaking boat. He also mentioned the communal aspect of boat life, where neighbors help each other out, but this assistance is not always available. The speaker also highlighted the importance of having a sense of humor and finding joy in the simple things, like the crackle of a fire or a shared event like the Queen's Platinum Jubilee celebration. Despite the challenges, the speaker expressed gratitude for the community and the memories created on the waterways.

    • Sharing memories of Gateshead and WoolworthsSpeakers fondly remembered their experiences in Gateshead, including their love for Woolworths pick and mix section and the importance of washing hands.

      The conversation between the two speakers revolved around their shared experiences, specifically their time spent in Gateshead and their encounters with various places and activities there. One notable experience was their fondness for Woolworths and its pick and mix section. Another important tip shared was the importance of washing hands. The conversation also touched upon their past, including their national service and experiences beyond it. The speakers seemed to have a deep connection, reminiscing about the past and sharing stories. It's clear that their conversations were filled with nostalgia and memories, providing a glimpse into their lives and experiences.

    • A man's conflicting memories and comments during a conversationClear communication is crucial to avoid misunderstandings in relationships and memories, as conflicting narratives and unintended comments can lead to confusion and shock.

      The complexities of human relationships and memories can lead to conflicting narratives. During a conversation, a man recounted an incident from his past involving a woman named Shirley. He was showing her pictures downstairs on their boat when she fell and sustained a serious injury. The man, Paul, made a comment about Shirley having her head "screwed on," unaware that this was the moment she fell. Paul also mentioned having a past relationship with a younger woman named Sheena, which led to some confusion. The conversation revealed that Paul was trying to deflect questions about the incident with Shirley and that there were rumors of affairs in the canal community. The conversation ended abruptly when Paul made a comment about killing Sheena, which was met with shock. While the conversation was filled with intriguing details, it highlighted the importance of clear communication and the potential for misunderstandings in relationships and memories.

    • New KFC Chicken Nuggets Discussed Amidst Confusing ConversationKFC launches new 100% white meat chicken nuggets, hand-breaded and infused with original recipe, available now.

      KFC has introduced new chicken nuggets, made with 100% white meat, hand-breaded, and infused with their original recipe. The conversation between the characters veered off topic, discussing past relationships and a mysterious incident involving a woman named Shona. It's unclear what happened to Shona, but it seemed to have caused distress for one of the characters, leading them to blow a whistle for help. The conversation was filled with confusion, miscommunication, and humor. While the conversation was entertaining, the main focus remains on the new KFC chicken nuggets, which are now available at participating KFC locations.

    • The Whistle: A Symbol of Safety and WarningThe whistle is more than just a communication tool in the waterways community; it's a symbol of safety and warning that carries significant meaning and power.

      The whistle, a seemingly insignificant object, holds significant meaning and power in the context of the waterways community. The whistle is not just a tool for communication, but a symbol of safety and warning. The elderly man's attitude and demeanor, which can be perceived as aggressive or intimidating, keeps others at bay and ensures his survival. Despite his harsh exterior, the man has experienced loss and trauma, and his actions are rooted in a desire for protection. The waterways community is full of intrigue and complexity, and the elderly man's interactions with others reveal a deeper understanding of the world around him. The whistle serves as a reminder of the importance of communication, preparedness, and respect for the rules and norms of the community.

    • An Unexpected Encounter with a Ghost on a NarrowboatUnexpected experiences, like a celebrity falling into a toilet and believing they saw a ghost, add intrigue and mystery to the waterways

      A man named Patrick Duffy, known for his role in Dallas, once visited the narrator on his narrowboat and accidentally fell into the toilet, causing a mess and sparking rumors of ghosts. The incident left Patrick believing he had seen a ghost, but the narrator dismissed it as an embarrassing accident. Despite the skepticism of city-dwellers, the narrator shared this and other stories about the spirits on the waterways, acknowledging that they add a sense of intrigue and mystery to the experience. The incident with Patrick Duffy serves as a reminder of the unexpected and sometimes eerie experiences that can occur in unexpected places.

    • A Humorous Encounter with a Local Ghost LegendA journalist's lazy reporting on a local ghost sighting led to unexpected fame and a panel discussion, while a personal anecdote about communicating with his late wife added a touch of the supernatural.

      The speaker, a journalist, shared a humorous anecdote about an embarrassing incident from his past involving a man who claimed to have encountered a ghost in a portable toilet filled with chemical blue. The story didn't gain much national attention but became a local sensation, and the speaker ended up on a panel discussing spirits on the waterways. He also mentioned a ghost named Sheila, who supposedly haunts the bluebell lock, but clarified that it was just a local legend. The speaker admitted to being a lazy journalist and not giving much thought to the title of the article, which caused some confusion. The conversation then shifted to the speaker's late wife, who he claimed he could still communicate with on dark nights, despite her head being "squashed" in the profile picture in the boat manual. The conversation ended with the speaker expressing his preference for how his wife looked before her head was "squashed." Overall, the conversation was a mix of storytelling, humor, and local folklore.

    • Reflecting on Lessons Learned and Upcoming JourneyAlways prepare and plan ahead, don't trust untrustworthy individuals, and effective communication is key for success.

      During a conversation with David, Ted reflected on their upcoming journey and the lessons learned from past experiences. One lesson was not to trust a certain individual named Taylor. Another was the importance of preparation and planning, such as setting a launch party before embarking on a journey. Ted also expressed his hesitation about the invitation to join David on the canal trip. Ted's memoirs ended with his uncertainty about how to respond to an invitation from two individuals who hadn't read the manual, suggesting a potential lack of preparation on their part. The conversation also included some light-hearted moments, such as Ted's mention of KFC's new chicken nuggets. Overall, the conversation highlighted the importance of preparation, trust, and communication in any journey or endeavor.

    Recent Episodes from Chatabix

    S10 Ep 434 Friday Treat: Pub Jokes 4

    S10 Ep 434 Friday Treat: Pub Jokes 4
    Time for another selection from all the great old-school pub jokes that you’ve been sending into us. And this time there’s some right classics in there! We couldn’t think of a better way to finish off the week. Thanks to all everyone for sending them in - keep ‘em coming at chatabix@yahoo.com FOR ALL THINGS CHATABIX'Y FOLLOW/SUBSCRIBE/CONTACT: You Tube: https://www.youtube.com/@chatabixpodcast Twitter: https://twitter.com/chatabix1 Insta: https://www.instagram.com/chatabixpodcast/ Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/chatabix Merch: https://chatabixshop.com/ Contact us: chatabix@yahoo.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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    S10 Ep 433 Regular Guest: John Fendley aka Fenners

    S10 Ep 433 Regular Guest: John Fendley aka Fenners
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    S10 Ep 432 Ad Hoc Drivel: Insta Live Podding & Rollercoaster Club

    S10 Ep 432 Ad Hoc Drivel: Insta Live Podding & Rollercoaster Club
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    S10 Ep 431 Back Catalogue Guest: Lee Mack Part 1

    S10 Ep 431 Back Catalogue Guest: Lee Mack Part 1
    It’s time for another ‘no longer a surprise guest’ repeat show - and we’ve only gone and got Lee Mack going us! As you’ll all know, Lee is one of the UK’s most well-loved comedians and the undisputed fastest mind in comedy. So unsurprisingly, this is one heck of a Chatabix episode and the guys had so much to talk about, we had to split it into two halves. Part 2 coming next week… Recorded October 2023 FOR ALL THINGS CHATABIX'Y FOLLOW/SUBSCRIBE/CONTACT: You Tube: https://www.youtube.com/@chatabixpodcast Twitter: https://twitter.com/chatabix1 Insta: https://www.instagram.com/chatabixpodcast/ Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/chatabix Merch: https://chatabixshop.com/ Contact us: chatabix@yahoo.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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    enJuly 02, 2024

    S10 Ep 430 Friday Treat: Coin-Toss Snooker Tournament Round 2

    S10 Ep 430 Friday Treat: Coin-Toss Snooker Tournament Round 2
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    S10 Ep 429 Special Guest: Kiell Smith-Bynoe

    S10 Ep 429 Special Guest: Kiell Smith-Bynoe
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    S10 Ep 428 Ad Hoc Drivel: David’s 120 Mile Walk

    S10 Ep 428 Ad Hoc Drivel: David’s 120 Mile Walk
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    S10 Ep 427 Back Catalogue Guest: Sue Johnston

    S10 Ep 427 Back Catalogue Guest: Sue Johnston
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    S10 Ep 426 Friday Treat: Pub Jokes Galore!

    S10 Ep 426 Friday Treat: Pub Jokes Galore!
    Joe’s got a stinking cold and a very croaky throat - so what better way to cheer him up than with some more of the old-school pub jokes you’ve been sending in. And it’s a great selection this week, so you can sit back and enjoy too. Thanks to all everyone for sending them in - keep ‘em coming at chatabix@yahoo.com FOR ALL THINGS CHATABIX'Y FOLLOW/SUBSCRIBE/CONTACT: You Tube: https://www.youtube.com/@chatabixpodcast Twitter: https://twitter.com/chatabix1 Insta: https://www.instagram.com/chatabixpodcast/ Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/chatabix Merch: https://chatabixshop.com/ Contact us: chatabix@yahoo.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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    enJune 21, 2024

    S10 Ep 425: TV Joe’s Name That Tune

    S10 Ep 425: TV Joe’s Name That Tune
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    Chatabix
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    32: Mastering Communication in Three Dimensions with Marty Babits

    32: Mastering Communication in Three Dimensions with Marty Babits

    Are you curious to know the most common issue that I hear about from clients, and from listeners who write in? It’s communication - or, rather problems with communication. Whether it’s being heard, or feeling like you have no idea where your partner is coming from, or you’re trying to communicate one thing but your partner hears something completely different, or you’re always being criticized - the list of potential communication problems goes on and on. Fortunately, today’s guest is going to help you take a monumental leap in the direction of communication that creates growth and connection in your relationship - and in how you communicate with others in general.

    Today’s guest is Marty Babits, contributor to Psychology Today, and Co-Director of the Family and Couples Treatment Service, a division of the Institute of Contemporary Psychotherapy in NYC. Marty is also the author of the extremely helpful book, “I’m Not a Mind-Reader - Using the Power of Three-Dimensional Communication for a Better Relationship”. Marty has been working with families and couples for over twenty-five years, and the wisdom in this book combines that experience with the work of many of the guests who have been here on the show, to create a manual for communication that will give you a completely new perspective on how to do it well.

    Prepare to dive deep into a recipe for communication that is sure to shift the results that you get as you interact with the world - especially the ones you love.

    The 3 dimensions of communication: These 3 dimensions are in every interaction between any two people who are connected:

    The 1st dimension- This is the literal meaning of what we say, or rather the surface meaning. This is where we can ask: are the messages clear and coherent?

    The 2nd dimension- This is the meaning that is under the surface, aka the emotional subtext. This dimension is often more complex and it includes the way we are thinking about the way we are. It is in this dimension that love comes through, or contempt.

    The 3rd dimension- This is the deepest and most profound dimension of communication. It requires reflectiveness and mindfulness. This is where we can take the pulse of whether what we are communicating is moving us towards creating emotional safety with our partner or away from that. Implicit in this dimension is our ability to monitor how the whole direction of the relationship is going.

    Try this: Pause in your next challenging interaction and take a mental snapshot in any given moment and compare it with what is happening 3 minutes later. This will give you a sense of the direction it is going and will help you practice being aware of what feelings, ideas, and tones are actually transpiring compared with those that you would like to be communicating or feeling.  This willingness to become more aware of how we are showing up in our interactions is helpful in any kind of communication!  

    Beginners mind- Foster your willingness to try something new on and a willingness to begin again! Maintaining openness can offer whole new vistas we may be currently unaware of. And that not knowing is okay! Allow yourself to forge ahead into unknown territory knowing that this risk is what it means to be human, and to evolve.

    Bring this openness and willingness to not know into your relationship. Can you be open to the possibility that attitudes can change and that people can grow? Openness and willingness to not know are the key for couples to get out of that locked patterning that can happen due to expectations and assumptions. When one partner begins to change, the other partner often continues to expect more of what they previously experienced, thus not able to see the newness in their partner's actions or attitudes-even when these changes are attempts at trying to create a better relationship. Resistance to change is common, and natural, as there is often a strong sense of inertia that carries you towards what has been, perhaps out of fear because change WILL inevitably disrupt patterns that may have been in place for a long time. To help move forward, consider that when you are busy focusing on your partner’s faults, you often miss all of the nice things that they are doing! In an effort to energize the positive, give yourself a direct encouragement to try to look for those new things. Actually open yourself to the possibility of new trends- this is the heart of what develops in successful couples work, and what ultimately transforms disappointments, disillusionments, and resentments…

    The optimal prelude to conversation is invitation: Are you willing to be open to the possibility that you CAN have better interactions? As we learn over and over again, we can not force someone to feel, see, or hear our perspective- but we CAN invite them to do it. By inviting your partner to join you in conversation is to honor their sense of choice in how they enter the dialogue. This honoring leads to a sense that you respect their inner world, which then sets the stage for more openness and trust. Now the conversation can begin.

    Being safe is a prerequirement for making breakthroughs in intimate communication- This goes for ALL interactions, interpersonal, romantic, sexual, etc. In order to understand each other, people have to be open to each other, and in order to do this there has to be safety. Attachment theory suggests that our survival, and therefore our sense of safety, is dependent on the extent to which we do, or don’t, feel connected to others. Conversely, when we feel threatened (whether this is perceived or real) our autonomic nervous system goes into its fight or flight response, at which point we are not available or open for connection OR communication. Therefore, it is important to cultivate an awareness of how safe our interactions are. Get into the habit of asking yourself “is the way I am communicating right now contributing to an overall sense of safety in this interaction or is it distracting from it?” We all have the capability to activate the part of our neurobiology that is very highly attuned to interpersonal issues! Meaning, we each know how to connect and build empathy in our interactions, we just need to first learn how to be relaxed within ourselves and have the safety in order to do so.

    The power of the unconscious. We are each guilty the following: Your partner says something that makes you feel something, and you make an assumption that how you are feeling is connected to some truth about what your partner just said. This leap happens on an unconscious level. Invite yourself to consider the possibility that you may be misinterpreting! Sometimes we think we are reading our partner’s mind, but we have this unconscious tendency to misread their meaning depending on our own conditioning. This is important to remember as both the receiver/lister and the giver/talker. When you are speaking, bear in mind that your partner may be hearing you through their own lens- communication does not end when you have muttered what you want to say, rather it is a process that you must follow through on, noticing if what you said had the effect you intended.

    Listen three dimensionally! We are more than our words. Words can be profound, yet we are sharing lives not words. Remember that what people mean is more important than what they say. Although, there is a strong relationship between the two! With compassion, we can move ourselves towards fuller expression. This requires a rethinking of what listening is. Expand your sense of listening to include a listening in on your own internal voice so that you can remain aware of what you are thinking , feeling, and believing and how you are putting this together with what you are hearing from the other person. Then work on extending your awareness to  include a consideration of what might be happening inside of the other person that may be producing the speech or the tone you are hearing now. This alive awareness of what is being said, how it is being said, and how it is being received helps move towards a communication that is open, flowing, and receptive enough so that the love that is needed can come through, and the sense of contact and connection is felt and genuine.

    Receiving- to receive you have to give to yourself. For those of you who are more comfortable with being the caregiver than the receiver, allow yourself to see this as an invitation to learn more about yourself. Is there are sense of unworthiness? This is just one example of resistances we may have built in how we are in relationship, and while it may be tempting to accept this as just the way things are, often times rejecting this very notion is what will lead to growth and opening. Remember that ‘working’ on your relationship is really ‘learning’. If you can change your perspective and attitude on problems and redefine them as challenges, then you will be able to turn your problems into opportunities. Get curious and compassionate with yourself and reflect on questions like “How can I make things better?”, “How can i allow myself to feel more loved than i do?”, and “How can I work with receiving while maintaining my integrity?”

    A synonym for complexity is richness! In effort to rethink “working” in and on your relationship, it may be helpful to welcome complexity as richness. Together you can begin looking to create possibilities and new roads where you thought there were dead ends. Ask, “What else is possible in this moment?” and “What if this isn't what i think it is?” These are the questions that make awareness three dimensional. You are aware of the problem AND you are aware of there being other possibilities. With 3D awareness it is as if you can walk around the problem- seeing it without totally being in it.

    Troubleshooting mode- how to turn the ship around. Okay, so let’s say you're in a conversation and it is about to go south- what can you do? First, name it. Say something like “Hey, I think we are at that place we have been before, and I know what has happened in the past, do you think it is possible that we can try to do something different?”. Then, for example, you can say something like  “I’m having that feeling again that we are going further away from each other- let's take a brief break and resolve to come back again and approach this with a more positive attitude- because right now i am feeling a little hopeless and defensive”. These statements are founded on the belief that you CAN change the dance. To do so requires a plan, preemptively created, that can be used in tense moments. If you know that when one of you is triggered, voices often get raised then collaborate together when you are both regulated to set up a plan and a statement such as  “hey babe, you must really be activated right now because you are raising your voice, let's slow down”. Acknowledging each other’s autonomic responses without judgement, and having a plan that gives each other permission to calm back down helps to create emotional safety. This emotional safety is unavailable and often threatened when we are in up-regulated and triggered states.

    Have an insult substitute ready! There are inevitably going to be times when you will not be able to get around your biological state of fight or flight (defense and anger), and this is NOT going to be a time when you are going to create new understandings that are going to become the foundation of a better relationship- no, this is going to be a moment to just get through. When all else fails, and we cannot regulate ourselves with the grace or swiftness our system or our partner needs, then it can be helpful to have a venting statement at the ready as a means of damage control! This allows you to have a way to express your anger or activation in a somewhat contained way. You can say, for instance,  “I'm not going to say what is on my mind right now because if i do it is going to create bad feelings, I just want you to know that I am that angry and I'm going to, for the sake of our relationship, chill out for a minute”. Figure out a statement that works for you and your partner, and don’t be ashamed to use it on occasion- when triggered enough our autonomic system reverts to old patterns and conditioning that can lead to much more damaging behaviors and statements than something like “woah, I’m super activated right now and can’t engage or I may say something hurtful that I would regret”. Remember also that YET, the word and the concept, hold all possibilities present. Try bringing it in when you feel stuck- “I’m not ready, yet”, “I’m not yet calm enough”, “I don’t want to, yet”...

    Communicate don’t Debate”: You may be so accustomed to debate style conversations that you don’t realize any more how much energy is going into discussing who is right and who is wrong. Begin to notice how open you are to hearing each other. You do not have to agree, but you do have to agree to openly listen. The actual nuts and bolts decision making that is often fodder for debate will come easier as you develop your capacity to work things out without being deadlocked in not understanding each other.

    Often criticism is a veiled attempt at repairing a disconnection. This is a hard one to conceptualize, and even harder when we are in midst of hurt. And yet, the idea that criticisms can actually be a way for our partner to say they need to connect with you is a core principle in attachment theory. Of course it is not a great way to do so, nor is it very effective, but it does speak to the concept that our main motivation in communicating is to connect. When we feel we cannot connect effectively than we become frustrated, and this can come out looking like hostility. It is not necessarily hostility against the target person, even though it sounds like it, it is more about what is underneath- a pleading for connection. How does the fear of abandonment and loneliness show up in your interactions? How can you find ways together to say “I am here”, even in those messy and hurt moments?

    The predominant element in relationships is work, not magic. Mindreading, although so tempting and so habitual, is not advised. It is not the mindreading itself that is destructive, as much as it is the assuming that your (mis)reading is the truth. When we take our own readings as the way it is, we leave our partners feeling in the dark and misunderstood. How you analyze or hold onto what you think your partner is thinking and feeling often becomes a critical aspect of the tone of your relationship. It can lead to resentment, frustration, hurt, and alienation. Although you likely know your partner very well, do not confuse this with having the ability to mindread- your assumptions of what are going on with your partner are often times NOT TRUE (especially if you are assuming the worst). Conversely, holding onto the attitude that your partner should automatically and intuitively “already know” is equally destructive and misleading. The golden rule is that YOU have the responsibility to help your partner understand what you are feeling. Express and share yourself in a clear way so that your partner can better give you what you want. Through a mutual commitment of 1) not mindreading and 2) not holding onto the “well my partner should have known” ideal, you will become partners, not adversaries. This is not to say that partners who are close sometimes CAN understand each other on a beautifully profound level, or that there are times when genuine unconscious communication does happen, but it cannot be expected or taken for granted. In general, relationships DO take work, especially when it comes to communication.  

    Resources

    Read Marty’s book “I’m Not a Mind-Reader - Using the Power of Three-Dimensional Communication for a Better Relationship”

    Learn more about Marty’s work at his website martybabits.com

    Check out his blog on psychologytoday

    www.neilsattin.com/communication Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with Marty Babits and qualify for a signed copy of his book.

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