Coercion Isn't Consent - A Personal Story

Sandy Phillips Kirkham is a survivor of clergy abuse and the author of, "Let Me Prey Upon You". Sandy was very active in her church growing up, her faith was the center of her life. When she was 16 her youth pastor groomed and manipulated her into a sexual relationship. After years of abuse she managed to exit the relationship and reclaim her life. Sandy kept her experience a secret for 27 years before she had to face it and begin her healing journey. Today Sandy is a strong advocate for survivors of clergy abuse as a board member of the Council Against Child Abuse and through her work with The Hope of Survivors. Today Sandy will be sharing her story, and we'll be discussing her incredibly powerful book.

Sandy Kirkham and her husband Bill enjoy life with their two grown children, two beautiful granddaughters, and two fairly well-behaved dogs. Sandy continues to use her voice to help victims of clergy abuse. She currently serves on the board of Council Against Child Abuse. Sandy has spoken before the Ohio Senate, a Maryland court, and appeared on a local television show in Boston. Her story, “Stolen Innocence,” was told in a documentary produced by The Hope of Survivors. Sandy works with survivors conducting victim support conferences. She has participated in The Voice of the Faithful (VOTF) panels moderated by SNAP (Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests), sharing her perspective from the non-Catholic point of view. Sandy has been a presenter/speaker at major events on clergy abuse including the Hope & Healing Conference. Sandy has earned a certificate of completion from the Faith Trust Institute entitled, “A Sacred Trust: Boundary Issues for Clergy and Spiritual Teachers.”

Sandy's Website: https://sandyphillipskirkham.com/

Sandy's Book:
https://sandyphillipskirkham.com/shop/

https://bookshop.org/p/books/let-me-prey-upon-you-breaking-free-from-a-minister-s-sexual-abuse-sandy-phillips-kirkham/13830913?ean=9781734195200

The Hope of Survivors: http://www.thehopeofsurvivors.org/

Council on Child Abuse: https://www.cocachild.org/

GRACE: https://www.netgrace.org/

SNAP: https://www.snapnetwork.org/

Finding OK: https://www.finding-ok.com/
Hecate's Links: https://linktr.ee/FindingOK

Support the podcast and become a Patreon member!
https://www.patreon.com/HecateFindingOK

Finding OK is funded entirely by the generosity of listeners like you!
https://www.finding-ok.com/support/

Letters for the Fire: https://www.finding-ok.com/blog/letters-for-the-fire-season-5/

Thank you for listening. BLM. Take care of yourself <3

Part 2 of my interview with Andrew Pledger. This episode will focus on Andrew's experience with conversion therapy,  how he found support exiting fundamentalism, his expulsion from BJU,  and the work he's doing healing and speaking out. Andrew was raised in a fundamentalist Christian cult and realized in his youth that he was gay. He attended Bob Jones University, which is a fundamentalist Christian college with a chilling history of abuse. While there, Andrew was bullied, harassed, tailed by college employees, and subjected to conversion therapy. In his junior year Andrew was expelled from BJU for publicly denouncing fundamentalism. Andrew is healing and working hard to spread awareness of religious abuse. His new podcast, "Surviving Bob Jones University: A Christian Cult" is exposing BJU's racist and abusive legacy. Andrew's story is of learning to honor your inner voice and follow your intuition, even when everything and everyone around you is telling you it's wrong.

Andrew's Website: https://andrewpledger.mypixieset.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/4ndrewpledger/
Links: https://andrewpledger.mypixieset.com/links

Andrew's Podcasts-

Surviving Bob Jones University: A Christian Cult: https://open.spotify.com/show/6zpFerrBjOuNACq1oklIU6
Speaking Up: Surviving Religions and Cults: https://shows.acast.com/speaking-up-with-andrew-pledger

Andrew's Interview with Josh Harris
https://youtu.be/qRwx4OoS2aM?si=Qtv8ifHW5vICIB9W

The Trevor Project - Crisis Hotline for LGBTQ+ youth:
https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help/

Conversion Therapy
https://www.hrc.org/resources/the-lies-and-dangers-of-reparative-therapy

Pattern of Narcissistic Abuse
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/narcissistic-relationship-pattern

Hypnotherapy for Trauma
https://psychcentral.com/health/hypnotherapy-trauma#hypnotherapy-for-treating-trauma

IndoctriNation Podcast
https://www.podpage.com/indoctrination/

Deconstruction Reddit Threads
https://www.reddit.com/r/FundieSnarkUncensored/

https://www.reddit.com/r/cultsurvivors/?xpromo_edp=enabled

Finding OK website: https://www.finding-ok.com/

Become a Patreon member!
https://www.patreon.com/HecateFindingOK

Support the Show: https://www.finding-ok.com/support/

Hecate's Links: https://linktr.ee/FindingOK

Letters for the Fire: https://www.finding-ok.com/blog/letters-for-the-fire-season-5/

Thank you so much for listening. BLM. Take care of yourself <3

Andrew Pledger was raised in a fundamentalist Christian cult and realized in his youth that he was gay. He attended Bob Jones University, which is a fundamentalist Christian college with a chilling history of abuse. While there, Andrew was bullied, harassed, tailed by college employees, and subjected to conversion therapy. In his junior year Andrew was expelled from BJU for publicly denouncing fundamentalism. Andrew is healing and working hard to spread awareness of religious abuse. His new podcast, "Surviving Bob Jones University: A Christian Cult" is exposing BJU's racist and abusive legacy. Andrew's story is of learning to honor your inner voice and follow your intuition, even when everything and everyone around you is telling you it's wrong. Andrew and I had a wonderful talk which I'll be sharing in two parts. This episode is focused on Andrew's experience of being raised in a Christian cult (IFB), the effect indoctrination had on his mental health, and his time at BJU up until the pandemic. The rest of his story will air next week.

Andrew's Website: https://andrewpledger.mypixieset.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/4ndrewpledger/
Links: https://andrewpledger.mypixieset.com/links

Andrew's Podcasts-

Surviving Bob Jones University: A Christian Cult: https://open.spotify.com/show/6zpFerrBjOuNACq1oklIU6
Speaking Up: Surviving Religions and Cults: https://shows.acast.com/speaking-up-with-andrew-pledger

Subjects that came up in discussion-

Family Research Council:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_Research_Council
https://www.splcenter.org/fighting-hate/extremist-files/group/family-research-council

Institute in Basic Life Principles & Bill Gothard:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Institute_in_Basic_Life_Principles
https://people.com/who-is-bill-gothard-the-institute-in-basic-life-principles-founder-7506014

Umbrella of Authority:
https://www.recoveringgrace.org/2014/05/umbrella-of-oppression/

Focus on the Family: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Focus_on_the_Family

GRACE Reports: https://www.netgrace.org/investigation-archive

The Trevor Project - Crisis Hotline for LGBTQ+ youth:
https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help/

Finding OK website: https://www.finding-ok.com/

Become a Patreon member!
https://www.patreon.com/HecateFindingOK

Support the Show: https://www.finding-ok.com/support/
Hecate's Links: https://linktr.ee/FindingOK
Letters for the Fire: https://www.finding-ok.com/blog/letters-for-the-fire-season-5/

Thank you so much for listening. BLM. Take care of yourself <3

Alice Cottonsox joins me to talk about recovering from childhood abuse, battling Agoraphobia, and facing online hate with humor. Alice is very open about her mental health struggles in her viral videos and she's helping many survivors feel less alone. Alice is being her own parent and raising herself, something that we sometimes have to do post-trauma when prolonged abuse as children has robbed us of the opportunity to grow up the way we deserved. 

Alice's Website: https://www.cottonsox.co.uk/
Alice's TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@alicedoeswonderland?lang=en
Alice's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/alicecottonsox/

Here are some of my favorites of her videos!
Going Outside:
https://www.tiktok.com/@alicedoeswonderland/video/7197807235156757765?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@alicedoeswonderland/video/7238978249345289498?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@alicedoeswonderland/video/7237546556323384603?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@alicedoeswonderland/video/7213016240347024645?lang=en

Trauma Talk:
https://www.tiktok.com/@alicedoeswonderland/video/7217381847066479878?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@alicedoeswonderland/video/7241885515643899163?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@alicedoeswonderland/video/7191874000010743046?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@alicedoeswonderland/video/7188860104647757061?lang=en

Alice Being Awesome
https://www.tiktok.com/@alicedoeswonderland/video/7227840114544741659?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@alicedoeswonderland/video/7194465830086774022?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@alicedoeswonderland/video/7174066013716286725?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@alicedoeswonderland/video/7155122264155884805?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@alicedoeswonderland/video/7154382013007482118?lang=en

Hecate's Links: https://linktr.ee/FindingOK

Become a Patreon Member: https://www.patreon.com/HecateFindingOK

Letters for the Fire: https://www.finding-ok.com/blog/letters-for-the-fire-season-5/

Thank you so much for listening. BLM. Take care of yourself <3

Do you think of yourself as "broken" because of your trauma? What about "wounded"? My sister Chie and I discuss how the language we use to talk about our trauma intersects with our healing. This episode is an invitation to investigate the hidden meaning that some words might be holding for us. I used to think of myself as broken but gradually shifted away from that term as I healed because I realized that for me personally, it implied irreparable harm or uselessness. Chie has very different experience of the word and we share stories that might help you ask yourself some important questions.
 Chie  has a BA in Somatic Psychology. She is a harpist, Championship Irish Dancer, and singer. She and her partner live in the Midwest with their two puppies.

Questions I encourage listeners to ask themselves at the end of the episode:
1. What words do I use to talk about my pain or trauma?
2. Do these words have any hidden implications that I might not have considered?
3. How does my culture interact with broken things?
4. How did my family or the people who raised me interact with broken things when I was growing up?
5.  How do my own experiences or medical history impact the way I think about the words, "broken" or "wounded"?
6. Do the words I’m using to talk about my trauma keep me in an old thought pattern?
7. Are the words I’m using to talk about my trauma healthy or useful to me? Do they need to change?
8. What body system do I most relate to and why?

Learn more about the history of Kintsugi and see a Master at work:
https://traditionalkyoto.com/culture/kintsugi/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r9LMKGte0UU

Podcast Website
https://www.finding-ok.com/

Letters for the Fire is a listener participation project and an invitation for communal catharsis and healing. Listeners are invited to write a letter to their rapist or abuser and send it to me. At the end of the Season all the letters will be read and then burned in a special episode. Learn more about how to participate here: INSERT LINK

Hecate's Links
https://linktr.ee/FindingOK

Join the Patreon!
https://www.patreon.com/HecateFindingOK

Donate to Finding OK
https://www.finding-ok.com/support/

Thank you so much for listening! BLM. Take care of yourself <3

I'm back! Welcome to Season 5! Today I'll be sharing some of what I got up to over my break, letting you know what's new in Season 5, and talking about what's alive for me in my personal healing journey right now.
In March my sister Chie and I attended Paganicon 2023, an annual Pagan Convention in the Twin Cities. I know a lot of you have been waiting to hear more about this witchy gathering! I let you know which rituals, workshops, and lectures I attended and which ones were my favorites. I share some of my time at the family cabin in Wisconsin, my progress befriending my local murder of crows, joining my local printmaking studio, and a surprising moment of post traumatic growth and healing I had recently. I'm so excited to be back! Let's gooooo

 Paganicon
https://tcpaganpride.org/paganicon-landing-page/

Laura Tempest Zakroff
https://lauratempestzakroff.com/
Art and Shop
https://owlkeyme.square.site/

Omega Artworks - Ritual Blades
https://www.omegaartworks.com/

Watchful Coyote - Jack
https://healthecycle.com/
TikTok
https://www.tiktok.com/@watchfulcoyote?lang=en

I Got Out
http://www.igotout.org/

Hecate's Links
https://linktr.ee/FindingOK

Join Patreon
https://www.patreon.com/HecateFindingOK

Letters for the Fire
https://www.finding-ok.com/blog/letters-for-the-fire-season-5/

This is the last episode of Season 4! Today I'll be taking some time to thank everyone who made this season possible, updating you about how I'm doing, and what I'll be getting up to over break!
New episodes will resume in July 2023. Just because there aren't new episodes doesn't mean there isn't new content! I'm taking time during break to practice self-care, focus on personal growth, and to doing lots of new and exciting things! You can check it out by following me on Twitch and Instagram, or joining Discord or Patreon.
I livestream on Twitch multiple times a week and you can still catch me there. Thank you all so much for making this season so special. While this break happens please remember that you are not alone! Please take care of yourself!

Survivor Support and Resources
https://www.rainn.org/

The planner I use
https://passionplanner.com/

Your Heart is a Muscle the Size of Your Fist by Ramshackle Glory
https://youtu.be/pC3IrqUpm9U

Ramshackle Glory
https://ramshackleglory.bandcamp.com/

Hecate's Links
https://linktr.ee/FindingOK

Follow Sage on Twitch and join the weekly Twitch and Paint event!
https://www.twitch.tv/sagecirce

Follow me on twitch too! My paint stream is on 3/25/23
https://www.twitch.tv/hecate_findingok

A friend and fellow survivor wrote this beautiful book of poetry! Check it out!
https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Dare-Teach-Daughter-Forest/dp/172595933X

Join Patreon!
https://www.patreon.com/HecateFindingOK

Thank you for listening! BLM. Take care of yourself!

Letters for the Fire is a listener participation project. Listeners were invited to write a letter to their rapist or abuser, and I promised to read them before burning them in a ritual. The goal is to create a community opportunity for catharsis, release, and healing. Today I will be reading your letters so your words can be heard.

A video of the letter burning ritual will be made available later. A link will be included in episode notes when it is ready.

Hecate's Links
https://linktr.ee/FindingOK

Donate to Finding OK
https://www.finding-ok.com/support/

Join the Patreon!
https://www.patreon.com/HecateFindingOK

Thank you for listening. BLM. Take care of yourself <3

Ruth is a survivor who has been facing her past and doing the work. She's a listener who is sharing some of her story and discussing some of the steps she's been taking in her life to heal. She's been meeting her trauma with courage, humanity, and grace that I know others will find inspiring. We discuss her assault by a family member, how her recent meeting with him went, her experiences within the Salvation Army Church, how Purity Culture has affected her, her struggles with suicidal ideation, and her experience with EMDR therapy. Ruth speaks so honestly and openly about the struggles we all face as survivors and I know her words and experiences will resonate with others.
Ruth is a Midwesterner who enjoys music, singing, painting, and taking walks in the woods. She has an interest in studying reptiles and amphibians in the future. She has a fluffy orange cat named Wesley Besley who keeps her warm and loved on. Ruth is still in the midst of her healing journey after multiple sexual assaults throughout the first 20 years of her life. She is sharing her story to let some shame go, and to help other survivors feel less alone.

Salvation Army Rules "Soldier's Covenant"
https://www.salvationarmy.org/ihq/56C765982907E8E6802573B1004E4E37

Salvation Army Sucks
https://imgur.com/gallery/7OZCIOM

https://www.vox.com/the-goods/2019/12/16/21003560/salvation-army-anti-lgbtq-controversies-donations

Me Too Many Voices Community Support Network - Love them! Give them a follow!
https://www.instagram.com/mtmvcommunity/

https://www.instagram.com/p/CgdIqU4sW3N/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

Judith Slaying Holofernes by Artemisia Gentileschi
https://smarthistory.org/gentileschi-judith-slaying-holofernes/

Inner Decay - Where to find the patch! Let's start a gang! lol
https://innerdecay.com/

Hecate's Links
https://linktr.ee/FindingOK

Donate to Finding OK
https://www.finding-ok.com/support/

Join the Patreon!
https://www.patreon.com/HecateFindingOK

My sister Chie joins me to talk about our evolving understanding of self-care and emotional regulation. We are both survivors navigating life and CPTSD. I hope you'll join us for some laughter and real talk.
Chie  has a BA in Somatic Psychology. She is a harpist, Championship Irish Dancer, and singer. She and her partner live in the Midwest with their two puppies.

Internal Family Systems Therapy
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapy-types/internal-family-systems-therapy

Spoon Theory
https://butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

Assertive Communication - DBT "Dear Man"
https://dbt.tools/interpersonal_effectiveness/dear-man.php

Curable App - Chronic Pain App (Chie recommends)
https://www.curablehealth.com/?gclid=CjwKCAiA5Y6eBhAbEiwA_2ZWIaUxUI-x1o1YSUpLLMhLeSdP70UiI0-_Dd8-vDyXrLwBWAFAkjJB8xoCJmEQAvD_BwE

TED Talk - Music and the Brain
https://www.ted.com/talks/anita_collins_how_playing_an_instrument_benefits_your_brain?language=en

I Sing the Body Electric, Especially When My Power's Out - Andrea Gibson
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xAySTOeC2NY