Dr Michelle Drouin: how technology impacts connection, intimacy and infidelity (#43)

1:04- behind the scenes: podcast stats - number of countries, downloads and fan favourite episodes.  

6:11 - We're putting the podcast on hold indefinitely.  

9:54 - Mark's favourite episode: Chris Marhefka.  

14:38 - Adrian Spear episode: distance between stimulus and response.  

15:39 - Grant  Herbert episode: be yourself.

16:13 - funniest moments: Lisa Linke, Christian Fleck, Daisy Simonis.  

19:32 - most inspiring guests: Dr Everett Worthington, Ashley Kesner, Ricardo Gonzalez, Greg van Borssum.  

24:29 - most surprising moments: grief (Jillian Rosoff and David Richman) and erotic empathy (Amanda Luterman), backburners (Dr Michelle Drouin).

30:45 - the counter-intuitive Danish way of parenting: Jessica Joelle Alexander.  

34:07 - most informative: Dr Timothy Levine.  

38:43 - episodes on trust: Marie-Clarie Ross and Melanie Marshall.  

39:00 - presenting and storytelling: Laurie Gilbertson.  

40:26 - story telling: Francisco Mahfuz, Gabrielle Dolan.  

44:07 - quick recap of topics covered in the podcast.  

45:17 - leadership episodes: David Neal and Ryan Hartley.  

48:02 - topics that we would have liked to do?  

50:26 - benefits of doing the podcast: meeting people.  

51:14 - empathy: Dr Ashok Bhattacharya and Daniel Murray.  

53:11 - relationships are at the heart of life: Dr Michelle Drouin, Craig Bulmer and Ashley Fico.  

54:48 - knowing better does not mean doing better: Divan's communication mistake.  

59:32 - feedback: Jason Rosoff and Paul Farina.  

1:01:09 - Tina Robinson: "all behaviour is communication".  

1:01:40 - Mark's recommendations: Chris Marhefka, Dr Michelle Drouin, Amanda Luterman, Jessica Joelle Alexander.  

1:02:45 - Divan's recommendations: Jessica Joelle Alexander, Francisco Mahfuz, David Neal, Dr Ashok Bhattacharya, Jason Rosoff, Dr Timothy Levine.

1:05:15 - practice is as important as knowledge.  

1:05:50 - wrapping up the podcast.  

1:09:52 - connect with Divan and Mark.  

1:10:28 - final words.  

You can find more detailed show notes with links to references at: https://candourpodcast.com/the-finale/

1:33 - being present rather than prepared.  

4:26 - the moments that happen when we're present.  

6:04 - being in the moment allows you to interact with your audience.  

7:56 - does the costume help to lower inhibitions?  

9:43 - curiosity, empathy and naivete.  

11:28 - training yourself to see as if it was your first time seeing.  

14:00 - how did clowning start for Angie?  

16:23 - clowning is vulnerable and authentic.  

24:10 - how Angie's previous careers helped with clowning.  

27:31 - clowning in the corporate environment.  

32:10 - you are more than the role you perform.  

34:23 - the value of staying in the mess.  

36:50 - those moments of stuck aren't real.  

38:32 - making the time and space to play.  

39:53 - status games.  

45:23 - clowns play, they don't act.  

46:22 - overthinking makes us perform worse.  

48:18 - the role of the court jester.  

51:22 - how the class transforms through clowning.  

56:51 - we connect through our imperfections.  

1:00:02 - connect with Angie.  

You can find more detailed show notes with links to references at: https://candourpodcast.com/angie-wakeman/

1:21 - the first person to disagree on LinkedIn.

5:20 - the countries Florian has lived in. 

7:18 - most difficult country to adapt to. 

9:17 - are people less friendly in some countries? 

12:32 - some cultures are more indirect.

14:36 - how to get an insight to the country’s unwritten rules.

16:30 - how Florian felt about going to a boarding school in a new country where he didn’t speak the language.

18:09 - why should people live in a different country? 

24:45 - a new country is a clean slate. 

27:10 - finding yourself when travelling. 

32:00 - fear of failure stopping us from starting. 

36:57 - don’t overthink what you say because people don’t care. 

39:10 - tying self worth to people’s opinions. 

41:48 - learning and fear and failure. 

44:18 - is social media a waste of time? 

47:50 - create a learning entourage. 

50:30 - the benefits of learning new languages. 

57:45 - how to learn a new language? 

1:09:21 - connect with Florian.

You can find more detailed show notes with links to references at:  https://candourpodcast.com/florian-decludt/

2:43 - no fear of public speaking after doing a body building competition.

8:38 - focus on who you want to be, not what you want to be.

15:33 - people are not trusted to do the job they were hired for.

16:26 - being trusted is not up to you to decide, its up to the other person.

17:36 - why Melanie wrote the book, Trust.

20:37 - respect comes from feeling trusted.

21:41 - the core of communication and leadership.

22:52 - what do organisations look like when there is no trust?

27:26 - trust is just as important for personal relationships.

31:9 - getting people to own up to bad news.

38:5 - deal with conflicts early.

42:47 - why beliefs about trust are important.

45:46 - belief about whether trust is earned or given.

47:23 - earning trust.

51:50 - HEART + SOUL model of trust.

55:19 - honesty: does it require trust or build trust?

56:20 - earning trust is on their timeframe, not ours.

58:53 - don't jump in with the answer.

62:5 - does helping others build or erode trust?

64:29 - responding from values rather than reacting from emotion.

72:36 - can you be too nice?

75:39 - when you have to build trust very quickly.

81:0 - taking time to connect at work can feel non-productive.

94:10 - connect with Melanie.

You can find more detailed show notes with links to references at: https://candourpodcast.com/melanie-marshall/

2:10 - Alexander Hamilton.  

5:02 - what drew Laurie into criminal law?  

10:26 - the most important lessons Laurie's father taught her was about communication.  

11:55 - importance of credibility when making your case.  

14:18 - logic vs emotion in arguing a case.  

17:32 - the importance of primacy: making the most of an opening statement.  

23:53 - knowing your audience when the audience is very diverse.  

27:37 - dealing with difficult people in the audience.  

30:25 - we can easily misread our audience.  

31:57 - the stories we tell ourselves can hinder communication.  

33:16 - how to prepare for presentations.  

38:16 - can you prepare too much?  

43:23 - making a closing argument.  

46:36 - communication lessons from interrogating witnesses.  

48:58 - if you want honest feedback, ask kids.  

52:01 - let your witness be the star of the show.  

55:32 - arguing cases you don't believe in.  

1:02:27 - adapting your presentation style for television.  

1:04:26 - biggest barrier to good presentations: being yourself.  

1:06:24 - do people struggle more with content or delivery?  

1:09:56 - be like a child when speaking on stage.  

1:12:13 - connect with Laurie Gilbertson. 

You can find more detailed show notes with links to references at: https://candourpodcast.com/laurie-gilbertson

1:31 - Radical Candor in the Rosoff household.

2:08 - what drew Jillian to grief counselling.

4:30 - people are scared to talk about death.

7:06 - what to say when someone is grieving.

9:47 - we will all say the wrong thing at some point.

10:50 - people get less support during grief than we think.

12:25 - avoiding resentment when people don't reach out.

14:39 - when the platitudes don't fit.

16:40 - don't give advice.

17:59 - we grieve in context.

19:50 - different styles of grieving.

20:45 - grief has more emotions than sadness.

21:54 - can grief lead people to detrimental paths?

24:41 - healthy ways to deal with grief.

26:27 - scared to be in the present because that's where the emotions are.

28:09 - how to stay calm and take care of yourself to help others?

32:55 - not feeling the "right" emotions when grieving.

35:06 - what value does a grief counsellor add?

37:48 - kids communicate through play.

41:51 - people can have very different rituals when grieving someone.

44:28 - the impact of not being able to attend funerals during COVID.

48:48 - we only know how to live if we've been confronted with death.

51:02 - the power of humour.

55:40 - feeling like we have to be strong for others.

1:0:24 - enjoying the present vs reminiscing about the past.

1:01:55 - what is most important when people look back on their life?

1:03:23 - sharing our stories can be a way to connect with each other.

1:06:00 - connect with Jillian.

You can find more detailed show notes with links to references at: https://candourpodcast.com/jillian-rosoff/

2:05 - what drew Ryan to work at a call centre for the police.

4:28 - lessons from a emergency call centre.

6:45 - hire for character and social skills.

7:55 - de-escalating highly emotional situations.

10:17 - the hardest phone call Ryan ever took.

12:02 - importance of self-care in high stress jobs.

16:06 - managing your own emotions in high stress situations.

18:34 - the importance of being calm as the leader.

19:45 - leadership is an act, not a title.

21:18 - everyone has a purpose.

26:25 - candid conversations are not an excuse for being blunt and harsh.

27:01 - mindset, skillset and heartset.

31:09 - how Ryan developed a servant-leadership approach in a status-driven environment.

33:03 - a leader's job is to be a greenhouse.

35:01 - the importance of team identity.  

39:32 - the culture deck from the founder of Netflix.

41:07 - leading with your heart is hard but worth it.

45:04 - feedforward instead of feedback.

45:34 - love tough.

49:02 - attachment theory applied to leadership.

49:55 - it's more important to be relational than to be right.

53:38 - the importance of courage in leadership.

54:44 - coming to the world from love, not for love.

57:43 - how Ryan's marriage survived a rough patch.

1:02:36 - what lessons did marriage troubles teach Ryan.

1:04:21 - self-defence mechanism to rejection.

1:05:35 - everyone deserves to be loved.

1:08:21 - what does "always better than yesterday" mean to Ryan.

1:10:24 - leaving a heartprint.

1:12:07 - the ripple effect of leadership.

1:13:09 - get in touch with Ryan Hartley.

You can find more detailed show notes with links to references at: https://candourpodcast.com/ryan-hartley/

1:53 - phantom phone vibrations.

2:35 - from development psychology to technology impact on relationships.

3:53 - is technology helpful or harmful to relationships?

7:24 - parents' concerns about kids on technology.

9:06 - technology opens up communication with people across the world.

9:47 - phone addiction is not all bad.

11:07 - using our phones for social good.

12:56 - calling her Grandma.

14:28 - millennials are scared of phone calls.

16:10 - does talking to strangers make us happy?

21:19 - a small kindness to a stranger can make their day.

23:06 - the intimacy famine why it matters.

25:37 - the life-giving power of physical touch.

30:24 - the importance of a shared bedtime routine with your partner.

33:05 - using technology together can still build intimacy.

34:35 - rules are important to avoid conflict.

36:28 - make rules when you are calm.

38:30 - rewards are more effective than punishment to change behaviour.

40:40 - how can singles get more intimacy?

42:59 - back burners - a threat to your relationship?

48:35 - Ex-partners are most likely to be backburners.

49:20 - social media is the cause for up to 30% of divorces.

50:27 - rules around social media?

52:10 - people may have different intent than you when using social media.

54:31 - the lies people are most disappointed by when online dating.

56:36 - lying on dating sites reduces relationship length.

57:52 - pitfalls to avoid when dating online.

1:00:23 - the criteria you are looking for when dating.

1:02:10 - relationships are so important.

1:03:21 - persisting with our current relationship vs looking for something new.

1:05:32 - what if our relationship has lost it's spark?

1:09:19 - connect with Michelle.

You can find more detailed show notes with links to references at: https://candourpodcast.com/dr-michelle-drouin/

1:39 - from enemies to best mates.

6:12 - there is nothing noble about being harmless.

7:06 - avoiding or engaging with conflict.

7:27 - what makes a leader?

8:50 - good leadership looks different in different contexts.

11:40 - the leadership style in the military.

12:59 - how values and beliefs impact team performance.

15:12 - navigating the conflicts that arise from having a diverse team.

15:35 - definition of leadership.

16:30 - diversity is contextual. What are you trying to achieve?

18:43 - are you trying to be right or correct?

20:36 - leaders represent people authentically in forums where they cannot represent themselves.

22:18 - trying to be right disengages people around you.

23:41 - it's better to lose the battle and keep the relationship, especially with your kids.

25:07 - extreme ownership and admitting mistakes.

27:28 - where the name Eighth Mile Consulting came from.

29:18 - owning our mistakes turns our weakness into a strength.

31:39 - owning your faults increases your credibility and your ability to influence.

32:55 - steelman and strawman debating tactics.

36:01 - influence starts by listening, not speaking.

38:14 - it takes discipline to shut up and listen.

41:55 - I don't have time to listen.

44:02 - why boundaries give more freedom.

52:14 - boundaries with children.

54:46 - just do what makes you happy is terrible advice.

56:46 - the standard you walk past is the standard you accept.

58:18 - sometimes leaders only have bad options to choose from.

1:00:14 - leadership is not about you.

1:02:44 - a leader's reputation is their influence.

1:06:1 - making an unpopular decision that you believe will be best for the long term.

1:10:49 - reputation is based on your character but not fully in your own control.

1:12:57 - how to become more self-aware as leaders.

1:15:30 - everyone is a leader.

1:16:11 - how to create a safe space for people to speak up.

1:18:55 - empathy saved the world.

1:24:7 - our ego can be our greatest enemy.

1:26:12 - connect with David Neal.

You can find more detailed show notes with links to references at: https://candourpodcast.com/david-neal/

2:28 - how Cheri and Jackie first came across the idea of Appreciative Inquiry.

4:04 - how many hours in a day are you in conversation?

4:32 - what is appreciative inquiry.

5:34 - difference between a good and a bad conversation.

7:18 - you can feel when you are in a destructive, depreciative conversation.

7:42 - how many of our conversations can be worth having?

9:42 - our words affect each other.

11:13 - what to do when the conversation is turning sour.

12:02 - our conversations with loved ones are often less intentional than with strangers.

12:41 - example of using Appreciative Inquiry in the real world.

14:14 - Appreciative Inquiry is not about having rose-coloured glasses.

15:22 - the technique of flipping.

16:52 - how Appreciative Inquiry has impacted Cheri and Jackie's life.

17:15 - our words matter immensely because they shape our world.

19:08 - conversations worth having at home.

20:57 - how to get your children to actually talk to you.

24:26 - the constructionist principle.

26:32 - the poetic principle.

29:01 - Are appreciative conversations something we're born with or can it be learned?

31:01 - there is a place for the sceptic.

31:40 - appreciative inquiry doesn't mean you ignore problems.

31:54 - analytical approach: looking for positive deviants.

33:17 - overcoming negativity bias.

36:15 - how to manage your emotions in the moment.

37:47 - asking generative questions.

42:11 - dealing with negative people who don't want to have constructive conversations.

44:45 - a conversation worth having is not just a positive conversation.

45:23 - don't assume people don't want to talk to you just because they are shy or introverted.

47:30 - example of how leaders can use appreciative inquiry.

51:55 - why appreciative inquiry is more likely to influence and create change.

54:21 - How Jackie used appreciative inquiry in the hardest conversation of her life.

1:01:03 - connect with Jackie and Cheri.

You can find more detailed show notes with links to references at: https://candourpodcast.com/cheri-torres-and-jackie-stavros