What comes to your mind when you think of a warrior? A sweaty, grizzled hunk swinging a sword around? A brave air force pilot in aviator sunglasses?
Although we might think warriors are battle-hungry and reckless, some traditional Native American cultures have a completely different view. Instead, Warriors are pillars of the community: service-oriented, passionate, and hard-workers who are always ready to give back to those they love. No matter our cultural background, this version of a warrior is something our teens can take inspiration from.
To help us pass on this new warrior mentality to our kids, we’re speaking with D.J. Vanas, member of the Ottawa Tribe of Michigan and author of The Warrior Within: Own Your Power to Serve, Fight, Protect, and Heal. D.J. is a powerhouse speaker for Fortune 500 companies, hundreds of tribal nations, and audiences nationwide. His ideas have been adopted by companies like Disney, P&G, Intel, and even NASA!
This week, D.J. explains how teens can embody a warrior mentality and define their values, vision, passions, and purpose in the process. We’re also highlighting the difference between good and bad growing pains, and discussing how teens can stay focused in a world full of distractions.
Katherine Morgan Schafler, author of The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control, busts myths on perfectionism. Perfectionism is sometimes seen as a badge of honor, but in reality it can run parents and teens ragged and lead to mental health issues.
Nedra Glover Tawwab, author of Drama Free, chats with us about how to break free from family drama and unhealthy relationship dynamics. We discuss practical tools for a variety of topics such as codependency, control battles, favoritism, and more!
Full Show Notes
Slammed doors, shouting, and angry tears—sometimes, it feels like every situation with our teens explodes into a dramatic outburst.
This week I sat down with expert Nedra Glover Tawwab, author of Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships. No one’s family is perfect, but there are tools for managing the imperfections in our families—and Nedra is here to help us! We cover how to start disengaging from family drama, and Nedra offers insights on how parents can create healthier relationships with their teenagers and between their teen and their teen’s siblings.
One of the main topics we discuss is the impact of a parent's own upbringing on their relationships. Many of the wounds we carry from childhood can resurface in our relationships as adults, and it's essential to understand how these patterns can impact our parenting style. Tawwab notes that by reflecting on our own experiences and emotions, we can develop a more self-aware and empathetic approach to parenting. As parents, once we’re aware of our own mental and emotional programming, we can make a conscious effort to break old patterns.
From codependency to favoritism to control battles, there’s a lot to cover this episode, so buckle up!
Codependency
Nedra and I talked about an issue that often flies under the radar because it’s not always so easily identifiable: codependency. Codependency is a term that has been around since the 1980s, but its meaning has evolved over time. Tawwab explains that codependency can manifest in many forms of dysfunctional patterns within a person, including emotional neglect or over-involvement in a sibling's life.
As parents, it's vital to recognize when we are being codependent in our relationships. Nedra explained to me that when our children are young, it’s easy to fall into codependency patterns—they need us, of course we put off our needs. And, when kids are young, it’s rewarding to help fulfill their needs.
But when our kids become teenagers, if we still tend to choose their needs over our own, it becomes more obvious that we’re codependent because parents reap different “rewards.” Instead of coos and smiles and hugs, we might receive mumbled “thanks” or “cool,” before our teen grabs the special lunch we made them and heads out the door.
If there is a codependency pattern, teens may learn their parents will take care of everything for them—from laundry to homework to college admission applications, and maybe, teens might assume, paying their phone, rent, and utilities bill through and after college!
Nedra suggests parents should also be on the lookout for codependency between siblings. It can be easy for an older sibling to take care of their younger sibling—sometimes it’s just faster if the older sibling does the chore or ties their siblings shoes. If parents notice this, they should intervene. They can ask their teen why they feel they need to help their younger sibling so much, and bring up codependency with their teen if it feels relevant.
To prevent codependency in relationships with our teens, we can create boundaries that allow our teenagers to learn and grow through their experiences. We might also have to create boundaries so siblings do not become codependent as well. At first it might be uncomfortable and our teens will struggle. But they will be able to adapt. Parents may have to watch their teen stumble and fail sometimes, but it is important for a parent’s own well-being to stop codependent patterns from becoming permanent. To break free from codependency, Tawwab suggests coaching teens rather than doing things for them, and letting them make their own mistakes to learn and grow.
Favoritism
Nedra and I also discussed the somewhat taboo subject of favoritism, and its effects on family dynamics. Favoritism can manifest in various ways, from subtle differences in attention and to overt displays of partiality, such as giving one child more privileges or resources than others. It can be unintentional or deliberate, but its impact on siblings can be profound. When one child feels favored over another, it can lead to feelings of jealousy, resentment, and low self-esteem in the less-favored child, while the favored child may develop a sense of grandiosity and a lack of empathy towards siblings and peers.
It’s not shameful to have “favorites”—every child is different and some parents will find it easier to bond with one of their kids than the other. And certainly, as our kids grow and change, dynamics will shift. Maybe we spend more time with our older child lately because the younger sibling is so involved in her travel basketball. However, these dynamics, if not brought up by parents with their kids, can come across as favoring one sibling over another.
Tawwab suggests that parents need to be mindful of how they treat each child and ensure that our teens feel they are being treated equally. Avoid making comparisons between siblings and focus on their individual strengths and their contributions to the family dynamic. By acknowledging and addressing favoritism, parents can mitigate harm from it and promote healthy sibling relationships, rather than competition between siblings.
To promote equality among siblings, parents can set aside time to be one-on-one with each kid, either sharing a meal, a hobby, participating in an activity, or just being together.
In the Episode…
In the episode, Nedra and I also touched on several other important topics, including:
Overall, the episode provides a wealth of valuable insights and advice for parents raising teenagers. By applying these principles in their own lives, parents can create a more harmonious and drama-free family environment that supports their teenagers' growth and development.
Tom Vanderbilt, author of Beginners, discusses with us how parents can inspire their teenagers to be more confident in trying new things by being lifelong learners themselves. Turns out, being an expert beginner has its advantages!
Full show notes
As parents, it's easy to get into a rut of only doing things we're already good at, or activities we've been doing for years. Yet our teens are essentially beginners at everything. And sometimes it becomes difficult to encourage them to try new things. Being a beginner can get old quickly—it’s hard work!
One of the biggest challenges parents may face is encouraging their teenager to step outside of their comfort zone. It's easy to get stuck in routines and habits, and teenagers are no exception. The problem is that this can lead to a lack of confidence in trying new things and can hinder their long-term growth and development. This can leave parents—who maybe haven’t been beginners in a long time—unsure of how to best help their teens.
To understand this, I spoke this week with Tom Vanderbilt, author of Beginners: The Joy and Transformative Power of Lifelong Learning. As a parent himself, Tom found that he was spending a lot of time on the sidelines watching his daughter try new things and learn new skills. It wasn't until he realized that he wasn't doing the same for himself that he decided to become a beginner again. This sparked his journey into exploring the benefits of being a beginner and how it can positively impact parenting.
In our interview, Tom points out it’s important for parents to get out of their ruts and try new things because they are the primary role models for their teenagers. If parents are stuck in their own ways and not willing to try new things, it sends a message to their teens that it's okay to do the same. On the other hand, if parents are willing to step out of their comfort zones and try new things, it shows their teens that it's never too late to learn and grow.
Tom suggests a handful of perspectives and outlooks parents can try to help their teens try new things. First, embrace being a beginner. As parents, sometimes it feels like we have to have all the answers for our kids. But it's okay to not know everything and be a beginner. In fact, embracing being a beginner can be a positive experience for both parents and their teenagers. It can help parents model resilience and perseverance when faced with challenges, and show their teens that it's okay to struggle with something new.
Secondly, Tom says parents can use being a beginner as an opportunity to bond with their teenagers. Taking on challenges together can be a fun and rewarding experience for both parties, and can help parents and teens build stronger relationships. It can also help parents understand the challenges their teenagers face when trying new things, and provide a supportive environment for them to grow and learn. Plus, mustering through a challenge together can create lasting memories and missteps to laugh about together later.
Being a beginner is not only important for personal growth but also for parenting. By embracing being a beginner and taking on challenges together, parents can inspire their teenagers to be more confident in trying new things and can build stronger relationships with them.
In the interview, we discussed several other topics, including:
It was so fun speaking with Tom, and a blast to learn from Beginners of all kinds in his book! To follow along with what Tom is up to, check out links in his bio. Thanks for listening and we’ll catch you next week.
Many parents want their teens to be compassionate citizens who care about people of all kinds. Others might Yet, it can be difficult to advise our teen on how to interact with people who are visibly different from us. We know people with differences are just as capable as anyone, yet sometimes it’s hard not to focus on the difference until that is all there is. We know there is more to someone than their difference—but how do we do better?
To help us understand how to speak with our teens about differences, we spoke with Meg Zucker, author of the new book Born Extraordinary: Empowering Children with Differences and Disabilities. Meg is the founder and president of Don't Hide It, Flaunt It, a nonprofit with the mission of advancing understanding and mutual respect for people's differences. She was born with a genetic condition called ectrodactyly, and has one finger on each hand, shortened forearms and one toe on each misshapen foot. Her two sons have the same condition and her adopted daughter has her own invisible differences.
Meg, through parenting with her husband, running her non-profit, her own experiences, and in researching for her book, has become an expert in all things differences—visible and invisible. She offers new insights into sticking points for people with differences and how everyone can think differently about differences.
The Urge to Help
Meg explains that, above all, we should keep in mind people with differences are people. People with differences are usually just as capable as ourselves, and often have already figured out how to navigate the world with their differences. She often has to field strangers asking if she needs help doing normal, everyday activities, like putting groceries in her cart, zipping up her coat, or opening doors.
Meg wants others to know people with differences may struggle navigating certain aspects of life, but that they have a sense of pride to do it themselves, just like we do. Questioning “What should I do?” suggests we have to do something at all. Meg says this isn’t the best way to go about it. Sometimes the notion we have to do something, is to soothe our own feelings of discomfort or awkwardness about someone’s difference.
The best way to interact with someone who has a difference is to first treat them as you would any person. Next, follow their lead. People with differences (or, all people for that matter) are living in their own version of normal, and so, they don't expect anyone to do anything. People living with differences aren’t constantly thinking about their differences—it’s not on their minds.
Meg offers this advice for helping someone with a difference: observe first. It might seem a little creepy, but often after a moment, the person struggling will often figure it out. Take a breath before you are, what Meg labels a “Mighty Mouse” and say ask yourself, "Let me see if that person actually needs it." Usually, a person is ready for help when they start looking around for help.
We can speak with our teens about this exact situation, and offer them Meg’s simple guidance for helping people with differences.
The Pitfalls of Rules on How to Treat People
At the same time, Meg encourages parents not to make ordinances about how to treat people with differences. When parents give their teens orders about how to treat others with differences, it takes away their inherent drive to be kind to others. Instead of a “could,” being kind becomes a “should,” and teens may resent being kind because it is not out of their own volition.
And people on the receiving end of obligatory kindness don’t want to be resented.
As an example of what she means, Meg shares a story about her son who was feeling down after his soccer teammates didn’t slap his hand after a game. He told his mom he believed the cause was how his hand looked. “They didn’t want to touch me,” he lamented. As heartbreaking as it was, Meg helped her son to see it in a different way. There could be many reasons why the other kids hesitated to slap his hand. Maybe they thought it would hurt him, or they didn’t want to draw attention to it, or they were just surprised. She suggested he make a game of it, and see how many slaps he got after the second game.
Sure enough, her son exchanged some hand slaps with about half of his teammates after the next game, and varying numbers the rest of the season.
If Meg had complained to the coach and insisted everyone always slap her son’s hand, she would have put her son in a position to receive resentment rather than genuine kindness. Similarly, if a parent makes a rule that their teen must always concede to a person with differences’s demands, the teen may grow to have less empathy for people with differences as an adult.
In the Episode…
My conversation with Meg gave me so much to think about in how society views people with differences and how parents can raise inclusive teens who see the person before the difference. Meg and cover a lot of ground including:
I hope you enjoy listening to my discussion with Meg as much as I enjoyed speaking with her! Check the links in Meg’s bio for where to follow her and her work.
It can be jarring to raise a tween! One day they are our cuddly kids, and the next day they seem to want nothing to do with us! They start saying our jokes are lame, our style is dated, and we just “don’t get it.”
The tween years can be a contentious time for both parents and tweens. Our kids are taking the first steps into adulthood, and as scary as it might be for parents, for tweens it might feel awkward, uncomfortable, and lonely. Their bodies are changing and so are their brains. Tweens, in addition to developing more complex thinking, start experimenting with who they are. Hence why they might seem wildly different month to month, day to day, hour to hour! Tweens might argue more as the desire for autonomy peaks, and they might even practice lying.
But it’s also an incredible experience for parents: they are witness to the extraordinary process of a young person figuring out who they are in the world.
To help us untangle the confounding changes happening in the tween years, we’re joined by Michelle Mitchell, author of the new book Tweens: What Kids Need Now, Before the Teenage Years. Michelle Mitchell is an educator, author, and award-winning speaker who has conducted extensive research, surveying over 1,600 parents and 600 tweens, for her latest book. (We’ve spoken with her a few times before on the show about self harm and puberty.)
In our conversation, Michelle walks me through the transition in tweens thinking, as well as how to talk to tweens about their emotions, confidence, same sex attraction, technology, body image, and lying. We will also explore how tweens and parents think differently about friends, plus the differences between concrete and complex thinking in tweens and how to support tweens in their cognitive development.
Spiking Autonomy
The tween years for most kids are defined by a heightened desire for autonomy which might show up as more arguments, more omissions, and a general pull away from family life and toward other social groups. Fortunately, the need for autonomy peaks around age fourteen—it won’t last forever, and by keeping lines of communication with our tweens open, we can lessen the growing pains of autonomy.
Michelle offers some insights she gleaned during research for the book to ease tensions caused by heightened need for autonomy. Michelle reminds us tweens are still looking for guidance from adults, but they might feel awkward about asking us. Just because a tween doesn’t ask their parents questions, doesn’t mean they don’t have any!
Michelle shares with us the most commonly asked questions from tweens in conversations about puberty and sex—two topics the tweens she spoke with felt most uncomfortable about. Many tweens feel awkward about topics related to their own developing bodies. In knowing ahead of time what questions our tweens might have, parents can be prepared to bring up the topics if their teen doesn’t.
At the same time, tweens will inevitably ask questions that parents might find awkward, basic, or uncomfortable. It's important to approach our curious tweens with compassion. Kids need to be taken seriously and given room to ask their questions free from judgment. Otherwise, parents risk sending the message that they can only handle certain topics of conversation.
Keeping Communication Flowing
The tween years are full of experimentation with who one is and, let’s face it, a lot of self-consciousness! This increased wariness about others’ opinions, could mean teens share less with their parents for fear of being judged. And clamming up and self-isolating for people in general, but particularly with tweens, can lead to mental health issues beyond normal feelings of loneliness, anxiety, or sadness.
If a tween comes to us with a big emotional claim, Michelle emphasizes the importance of validating tweens’ emotions. Even when a tween’s feelings seem out of proportion, validating and then seeking to understand how they’re feeling proves you can be trusted to listen without judgment. (Moreover, this approach helps tweens build their confidence in their own abilities to handle their emotions.)
Michelle additionally emphasizes the importance of creating a supportive environment to encourage tweens’ exploration of who they are. Tweens are beginning to compare themselves to others more often and might give up on pursuits if they don’t feel they are the best at a skill.
For example, maybe a teen really loves musical theater—but they couldn’t carry a tune if it was given to them in a bucket. We could encourage a teen to consider other ways to be involved in musical theater besides being on stage. There is set design, directing, music composition, theater management, box office ticketing—any could be an avenue for exploring what lights them up. By encouraging our tweens to stay curious and explore different opportunities, we can help tweens find their budding passions and unique superpowers.
When speaking with your tween or teen about their interests, Michelle notes that this generation holds high values of diversity and inclusion. Parents are wise to keep an open mind and ask their teen why they are drawn to specific pursuits, before jumping to conclusions about if it’s good, bad, distracting or worthwhile. Tweens might act tougher than they used to, but they still have their child-self inside.
In the Episode…
As usual, I had a great time chatting with Michelle! It was wonderful to have her on again and learn from her expertise.
We covered a range of topics in the interview for a bird’s eye view of what the tween years might look for. In addition to speaking about autonomy, communication, and emotional maturity, we also discussed:
Thanks so much for tuning into this week’s episode and for more Michelle Mitchell, you can find her on her website, and on her other discussions with me on the podcast! We’ll see you next week!
When a teen slams a door after not getting their way, or bursts into tears at a throwaway comment, parents might feel like every interaction with their teen ends in hysterics. Other times parents might worry their sensitive teen will have trouble making friends or being in groups because they are easily overwhelmed. But sensitivity, shyness, and introversion are not flaws.
It can be difficult for parents to see their teen struggling with sensitivity. They may feel frustrated or helpless, not knowing how to help their child. It can also be difficult for them to relate to their child's experience if they themselves are more extroverted and don't fully understand what it's like to be shy or introverted.
Children who are sensitive may be at higher risk for anxiety and depression, and may struggle with social skills throughout their lives if they don't receive proper support. It's important for parents to help their child build confidence and develop social skills, not just for their immediate well-being but for their long-term success and happiness.
To understand more about this topic, we spoke with Jenn Granneman, co-author of the book Sensitive: The Hidden Power of the Highly Sensitive Person in a Loud, Fast, Too-Much World, and founder of Introvert, Dear, a website and community for introverts. Jenn is an introvert herself and has struggled with shyness and social anxiety throughout her life. She has dedicated her career to helping other introverts embrace their true selves and thrive in a world that can sometimes feel overwhelming to them.
Introverted, or Just Shy?
To better understand shyness and introversion, Jenn Granneman explains the difference between the two. While shyness is a fear of social judgment, introversion is a preference for solitude and reflection. Jenn notes that shyness is often seen as a negative trait, but she argues that it is simply a personality trait like any other. However, shyness can lead to negative consequences such as missing out on opportunities and feeling isolated.
Introversion, on the other hand, is often misunderstood as being shy, but it is not the same thing. Introverts can be confident and social, but they simply prefer to spend time alone or in small groups. Jenn notes that society often values extroversion over introversion, which can lead to introverts feeling like they don't fit in or are not as valued.
Jenn emphasizes that shyness and introversion are not things that need to be "fixed" or "cured." Rather, it's important to understand and accept these traits in ourselves and others. By doing so, we can create a more inclusive and understanding society.
To help parents understand their shy or introverted children, Jenn suggests paying attention to their child's behavior and respecting their boundaries. She notes that introverted children may need more alone time to recharge, while shy children may need more encouragement and support to face their fears.
Supporting a Sensitive Child
Supporting a sensitive child can be challenging, but there are ways to help them thrive. By validating your child's feelings, creating a safe environment, teaching coping strategies, and seeking outside support when needed, parents can help their sensitive children thrive and lead fulfilling lives.
First, it's important to validate their feelings and let them know it's okay to be sensitive. This can help them feel accepted and understood, which can boost their confidence. Creating a safe and comfortable environment at home is also crucial. Sensory-sensitive children may need a quiet space to relax, while socially-sensitive children may benefit from smaller social settings. It's important to respect your child's boundaries and not force them to do things that make them uncomfortable.
Parents can also help their sensitive children develop coping strategies, such as deep breathing, visualization, and positive self-talk. Encouraging creative outlets, such as art or writing, can also be helpful for self-expression.
Finally, it's important to seek outside support when necessary. A therapist or counselor can work with your child to develop coping mechanisms and build self-esteem, while support groups can provide a community of like-minded individuals who can offer advice and encouragement.
In the Episode…
I learned so much from my conversation with Jenn, and as an introvert I came away from our conversation with a better idea of my own needs as well as those of sensitive teens. In our conversation we also discuss:
If you enjoyed Jenn’s contributions as much as I, you can find her on social media as well as her two websites, Introvert Dear and Sensitive Refuge.
Teens are dealing with a lot–impending adulthood, changing bodies, rigorous schoolwork and a complicated social scene–it’s no wonder they’re emotional! As parents, it can be hard to help them manage all the ups and downs, especially when teens are screaming at us or locking their bedroom doors.
This week, we're talking all about teen emotions: how to help them learn coping strategies, why they might be lashing out, and what’s really going on in their heads when they’re making mountains out of molehills.
Joining us is psychologist and author Lisa Damour, to talk about her recent book, The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable and Compassionate Adolescents. Lisa has been recognized as a thought leader by the American Psychological Association, cohosts the Ask Lisa podcast, writes about adolescence for the New York Times, appears as a regular contributor at CBS News, and maintains her own clinical practice!
In our interview, we’re talking about the two different kinds of reasoning teens apply when making a decision, gendered differences in teen’s emotional coping mechanisms, and how we can connect with kids, even when it seems like they want nothing to do with us.
Hot vs. Cold Reasoning
In the episode, Lisa explains how teens typically oscillate between two kinds of reasoning. Cold reasoning occurs when teens are using their logical rational mind to make a decision, while hot thinking typically refers to their thought process when they’re in emotionally or socially charged situations. While they may reach one conclusion when they’re using cold reasoning, that conclusion might just fly out the window when a situation gets much more emotional or social.
For example, teens often tell us they’re not going to drink or smoke, that they’re going to stay in and study, that they’re not going to waste time dating someone when they want to focus on the future. But later, when they’re at a party or riding in a car with their friends or seeing their crush at a social gathering….they might not make the same choice they swore by earlier! For teens whose brains are still developing and who often make decisions based on social pressures, these two kinds of thinking often end up in conflict with one another.
To make sure teens stick to their rational decisions, Lisa suggests we present them with the hot situation while they’re still in a cold state of mind. Try walking them through the whole party scenario while you’re alone together in the kitchen, hours before the party starts. Doing this can help ensure that your teen will still behave rationally when they’re placed in an emotionally, socially charged situation.
Teens don’t just need strong reasoning to handle the perils of high school, they also need to know how to cope when things go awry. Lisa and I are talking about how we teens tend to fall into gendered patterns of coping, and how we can help them find more effective methods.
Cultivating Better Coping Mechanisms
From a young age, kids are often conditioned to follow certain practices for emotional management, and typically these are shaped by their gender, says Lisa. Boys are taught to push through tough times by using distractions like sports, video games or work. Girls are typically taught to use their words to describe what they’re going through, and are socialized to have a vocabulary to describe emotions. This leads to patterns later in life: boys acting out or hurting others to cope, girls developing conditions like depression and anxiety, Lisa explains.
Boys are also often struggling with self esteem during puberty, as girls are typically developing faster. This applies to both minds and their bodies, with girls often beating boys out in the classroom as well as in sports. This can be tough on boys' self esteem, and is often the reason why they’re so mean to girls. Lisa even explains that this frustration in boys can often lead to the earliest occurrences of things like sexual harassment and assault.
To fix these complicated gender discrepancies, Lisa explains how we can help kids develop healthy coping mechanisms and self esteem. For boys, a sense of value in adolescence can come from doing service work or cultivating a skill. For kids of all genders, music can be a healthy way to both work through and escape from the tough feelings of teenage life. As parents, we might want to just jump in and solve problems for our kids, but Lisa explains that we’ve got to help them learn to manage their feelings on their own.
If we want teens to learn to handle their emotions, we’ve got to get through to them first! Lisa and I talk in the episode about how we can connect to teens, even when they seem to want nothing to do with us.
Teaching Emotional Management
Sometimes it seems like everything we do is annoying to our kids, no matter how hard we try! This is because kids are starting to develop their own brand and identity, says Lisa. They still think that we reflect on them, and therefore when we do something that contradicts the personality they’ve created for themselves, they’re frustrated. Alternatively, they get annoyed when we do something that’s similar to the brand they’re trying to cultivate, because they want to separate themselves from us as much as possible!
It can be endlessly frustrating to deal with this constant teen angst, but Lisa reminds us that it’s not always as personal as it feels. She explains how we can provide teens with a few options: being nice to us, being polite to us or simply just having space. She explains that providing these options often prompts teens to think about what they actually want, and can help the two of you communicate instead of just bickering.
In the episode, Lisa explains how we can also work on our listening skills–so when teens do decide to open up, we can be ready for them. She describes a method she often practices with her own teenage daughters, in which she plays the role of an editor and acts as though teens are reporters. Instead of interjecting while they’re speaking to immediately offer up advice, she listens to their entire spiel, and then offers up her best attempt at summarizing everything they just said, like a headline. This shows teens you’re listening and trying to understand, instead of just throwing advice their way.
In the Episode…
There’s lots of great insights in this week’s interview with Lisa! On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:
If you enjoyed this week's episode, you can find more from Lisa at Dr. Lisadamour.com. Don’t forget to share and subscribe, and we’ll see you next week!
Many of us picture drug addiction as a vague threat, something that might be a possibility for an unhoused person or party animal but never for our own kids. When we hear concerns about the opioid crisis, we might wave it off as a problem that most likely could never affect us. We typically think that even if kids party a little,–say, experiment with marijuana or alcohol-that they’ll probably come out on the other end just fine.
But what we don’t realize is just how susceptible our kids are to opioid use. Nowadays, traces of opioids are found in marijuana, cocaine, or even candy. They’re in millions of medicine cabinets, available on the streets in alarming quantities, and have been prescribed to nearly a third of adults in the United States. If we want our kids to stay safe from the opioid crisis, it’s time to educate ourselves–and our kids.
To help us wrap our heads around the severity of this crisis, we’re talking to Holly Geyer, author of Ending the Crisis: Mayo Clinic’s Guide to Opioid Addiction and Safe Opioid Use. Holly is an addiction medicine specialist at the Mayo Clinic in Phoenix, Arizona, where she leads the Arizona Opioid Stewardship Program. She’s served on several Arizona department of health subcommittees, works with a number of organizations to raise opioid awareness, and lectures nationally on opioid addiction and safe opioid prescribing.
In our interview, we’re explaining what opioids are and how they affect the human body. We also discuss how we can look for signs of opioid abuse in our kids, and what we can say to kids who might be at risk of an opioid addiction.
What Parents Need to Know About Opioids
As an opioid expert, Holly is often asked: what’s the difference between opioids and opiates? In the episode, she explains that opiates are derived from the poppy plant, while opioids are synthetically created to mimic the effects of opiates. To the average person, the terminologies are basically interchangeable, she explains. It is important to remember, however, that opioids are often created in illicit environments, meaning that they’re usually not regulated and could be a lot more dangerous than opiates, Holly says.
These “painkillers” cause a sense of euphoria and often make us feel as though our troubles are slipping away–until they stop working and our body begins to crave more and more. As our usage grows, so does our tolerance, explains Holly. If taken exactly as prescribed, we might be relatively safe from the serious threat of addiction, but if we crush and snort it, inject it or take more than we’re supposed to, the results can be deadly. In fact, opioids are now the leading cause of death for people under 45.
How can taking opiods be fatal? Overdose, explains Holly. Overdose occurs when an individual consumes so much of an opioid that they become overly sedated, to the point where they forget to breathe, she says. If you suspect someone is taking opiods and they seem sleepy, cold or unintelligible in their speech, they might be overdosing. In the episode, Holly and I lay out a number of actions we can take if we’re presented with an overdosing individual–including an immediate dial of 911 and a dose of naloxone.
It’s pretty clear that opioid addiction is not something we’d want to encounter, especially in our own families. But how can we actively work towards preventing these tragic outcomes? Holly explains in the episode.
How To Tell If Your Teen is At Risk
Teen opioid addiction is no joke. Rates of teen opioid use are skyrocketing, Holly explains. If your teen starts using young, has a history of meddling with other substances, deals with mental health issues or experiences chronic pain, the risk is even higher. Even if you’ve never brought prescription opioids into the house, kids are often exposed when trying a different drug that happens to be laced. So how can we look out for signs that teens are using opioids before it’s too late?
Holly explains that teens who are using opioids might typically start to become a bit more withdrawn. They may start to appear less engaged in school or other daily activities, and then they may start stealing or disappearing for long periods of time, says Holly. That’s when parents may find drug paraphernalia hidden in their sock drawer. Another indicator is the kind of company they keep; if they seem to be hanging around a sketchier crowd, she recommends watching their behavior even more closely.
If you’ve got extra opioids lying around in your cabinet that you’re storing for safe-keeping, Holly explains that it’s time to get rid of them. Maybe they were prescribed for a surgery or an injury and there’s plenty left over that you're keeping for a rainy day–but they’ve got to go, she explains. Many times, teens start with these easily available pills and move on to harder or less regulated versions. In our interview, we talk about all the ways these pills can be safely destroyed or removed from your home.
One of the main ways we can prevent opioid addiction in our kids is by communication and education. In the episode, Holly lays out how we can talk to teens before, during, or after discovering an opioid use.
Preventing Opioid Addiction
If we want our kids to steer clear of drug use, the first step is changing the overarching culture and attitude in our homes. If we’re practicing a “take pills to solve your problems” mentality around the house whenever something is in pain or not working quite right, we might be unintentionally inflicting an addictive mentality onto our kids. Instead, Holly encourages us to be more of an “approach things heads-on” kind of mentality, where we talk about our issues and find proactive ways to solve them. She and I discuss the significance of this approach further in the episode.
Holly also emphasizes the value of reminding teens that no matter how free they might feel, we are always monitoring their behavior. She recommends that we not only keep an eye on our teens, but also they’re friends, their behaviors, and if necessary, their phones and physical space. She stresses that today’s world isn’t quite safe for experimentation the way our adolescence might have been, and how even alcohol or cannabis use could lead to opioid use.
In our interview, Holly and I also talk a lot about what to do when we confirm that a teen is struggling with opioid addiction. Sometimes teens are willing to go into rehab and sometimes they aren’t, but it’s interesting to note that most of the time, the outcome is the same. While recovery is possible, relapse is almost always a part of the process, she says, which can sometimes make treatment options logistically and financially difficult. We talk in depth about treatment options as we dive further into opioid use and abuse education.
In the Episode…
There’s a lot of critical information about opioid use in this week’s episode. On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:
We hope this episode encourages you to learn more about opioid use and abuse. Please check out resources offered by the Center for Disease Control and National Institute of Health.
It doesn’t take long for a disagreement with teens to turn into a full-fledged battlefield. One minute, you’re just trying to ask about their day, the next they’re saying they hate you and slamming the door in your face. And no matter how much we resolve to make our interactions calmer and more productive, we seem to get stuck repeating the same drama over and over again.
If we want to break free from this cycle, we have to find new ways to communicate with our kids. This requires us to go past the surface level and dive into how kids are really feeling-and what they really mean when they say “I hate you.”
To help us escape from the cycle of miscommunication, we’re talking to Rick Hanson, author of multiple bestselling books, including the most recent, Making Great Relationships: Simple Practices for Solving Conflicts, Building Connection, and Fostering Love. Rick is a psychologist, Senior Fellow at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, and the founder of the Global Compassion Coalition and the Wellspring Institute for Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom.
In our interview, we’re talking about why teens are so harsh in their communication with parents–and what they're really trying to do when they're hurling insults at us. Plus, how parents can be less reactive when kids are pushing our buttons.
The Truth About Teen Angst
Teenagers in TV, movies, and popular culture are often depicted as rude and rebellious–could our media be normalizing teen angst? This cultural conditioning definitely contributes to teens’ attitudes, says Rick. Teens are also generally hardwired to be selfish, he explains, and since their biological development isn’t quite complete, and they’ve still got some empathy left to learn. If you feel like teens are behaving selfishly, it likely isn’t because they’re inherently self-absorbed, it’s teenagers as a whole. It can be helpful to remember that, and not take things too personally, says Rick.
Behind our teen’s anger, they’re usually hurting, says Rick. Being a teen is no easy task, and our kids might be feeling lost or upset without any way to express their feelings. We expect teens to sit through school all day, ignore many of their most tempting pleasurable pastimes, and push them towards far-off careers that they may not even want. All of this combined with bullying, mental health issues, eating disorders, and the perils of social media can be pretty overwhelming, explains Rick. It might be wise to keep all this in mind the next time we think kids are being unreasonably moody, Rick says.
In the episode, Rick explains how we can use empathy and imagination to reach kids instead. By attempting patience and open communication, we can create a more communicative environment where concerts and feelings are talked about in a real way, Rick explains. Intention is important, especially when it comes to interpreting teens behavior. If we assume they’re intending to offend us or bring us down, then we’ll retaliate, and the cycle of negativity continues.
So how can we as parents react more patiently when kids are being difficult? Rick and I discuss how we can improve your communication in the episode.
Creating Better Communication
One way we can foster positive communication with our teens is by embracing vulnerability, says Rick. Sometimes it can be challenging to find the right level of honesty without oversharing or losing our parental authority, but if we want to have open communication, parental vulnerability is key, he explains. If we tell them how their behavior makes us feel, they might start to understand the consequences that their words can have, or become more aware of the fact that you’re not their enemy, says Rick.
Sometimes, we’ve also just got to get to the bottom of what kids need, and find a way to create a compromise with them. When they’re begging us for permission to go to a party where underage drinking and other shenanigans are bound to take place, Rick encourages us to listen and understand what they really want: to fit in, feel popular, and have fun. He suggests that we maybe let them go, so long as they promise to come home at a certain hour, prove that there’s someone to drive them safely to and from, or whatever we feel comfortable with as a parent.
No matter what, being criticized by teens is inevitable, and it's just something parents pretty much have to live with, Rick explains. We can’t control what teens say to us, but we can control how we react, he says. At the end of the day, we might actually feel grateful to teens for their criticism, as it’s a preferable alternative to being totally cut off. In the episode, Rick pulls from his experiences as a family therapist to share why teens end up cutting off parents as they move into adulthood and how we can prevent it from happening in our own families.
When a teen starts to act up or things get heated between the two of you, it’s easy to let our emotions get the best of us and turn us into yelling, screaming authority seekers. If we can learn to redirect our emotions instead, we’ll be better off, says Rick. In the episode, he and I are discussing how we can stay cool, even when our emotions are running hot.
The Value of Emotional Regulation
Rick and I talk in our interview about love vs. aspiration vs. authority, and how much of a role each should play in parenting. Rick believes that love, of course, should be a big part of how we treat kids, while also aspiring for them to improve and become better versions of themselves. Authority, on the other hand, is typically pretty ineffective, he explains. Of course, there are rules and boundaries that need to be set, but when there’s a struggle between you and your teen, trying to squash it with your authority will never quite do the trick. Instead, you’ll just push you and your teen farther apart.
This need for authority is often tied to anger, which is one of the worst ways we can react when teens are pressing us. Rick reminds us how important it is to be in tune with our own feelings and ensure our emotional stability before lashing out a teen. If we take a minute to slow things down and chill out, we might realize that there’s something below the surface of our anger–like concern for our teen’s wellbeing or frustration over lack of communication. If we can then explain our feelings to teens instead of just hurling angry words, there’s a much better chance that issues will be resolved, Rick says.
Sometimes, this includes admitting our own faults, Rick says. If a kid tells us we never listen, what do they really mean? He encourages us to reflect and see where we might be struggling in the listening department, or what about a teen’s criticism might have an element of truth. Admitting fault or at least learning to explain our behavior can be an important way of letting teens know that we care about their feelings and that we want to preserve our relationship with them, Rick says.
In the Episode…
Rick and I cover a lot of ground in this week’s episode! On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:
If you enjoyed this week’s episode, you can find more from Rick on his website, rickhanson.net. Don’t forget to share a...
How many strangers do you encounter on a daily basis? Riding public transport, ordering a coffee, hanging out at the bar–these simple tasks require us to chat with people we’ve never met. As naturally social creatures, humans have the potential to make friends with each and every stranger we meet, and would probably be happier if we did! But instead, we pull out our phones, put on our earbuds and try not to make eye contact.
We’re afraid to talk to strangers, but why? And how much better might life be if we took the time to talk to strangers more often?
To find out the answer, we’re talking to Joe Keohane, author of The Power of Strangers: The Benefits of Connecting in a Suspicious World. Joe is a journalist who’s worked at Medium, Esquire, Entrepreneur, and Hemisphere. His work has also been featured in New York Magazine, The Boston Globe, The New Yorker, Wired, and more!
In our interview, we’re talking about why people are so hesitant to talk to strangers, and how we can foster positive conversations with people we’ve just met. Plus, what we can gain from starting up a chat with the guy next to us on the subway or the girl taking our order.
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