Episode 47: “Soul Plane, Part 1: Golden Collars”
This is Episode 47, where listeners will rejoin our characters who are trapped in Hell, trying to destroy an altar at the top of a monolith to stop the summoning of the Deep Father, a.k.a. the creation of Hell on Earth. Casualties have been heavy: Ellywick got disintegrated by soul juice, then ,Father Ralph and Vermillion were killed by a thousand paper cuts and basically turned into spaghetti by the flying papers of an insane archivist. This is the epic ending of our adventure to escape Hell that I am calling, “Soul Plane, Part 1: Golden Collars”
Enjoy!
Table of Contents:
1. Question from the DM: If your character believes in reincarnation, what would they like to be reincarnated as?
2. Sammy’s recap.
3. The next room of monolith is filled with the demon versions of cherubs and gaping hungry mouths. So, like, Jabba the Hut’s palace, without the jazz band. (This is Oblusk).
4. We’re not really hungry, you see, we have this spaghetti… [a.k.a. what is left of Vermillion…]
5. Hortense’s truly terrifying hand puppet decides that now would be a great time to inject Hor-Hor with all 5 of those syringes she found with mutagenic serum. LET’S SEE WHAT HAPPENS!
6. Eulalie immediately starts looking for the exit. Helen [our demon larvae pet] wants none of this.
7. Gari casts Turn Undead, just in case.
8. Ellywick came back as a ghost so she can get that trampoline.
9. Darksands drinks a healing potion and sends his spirit hawk familiar flying.
10. Hortense’s mutations:
1. Her eyes are now on one-foot stalks.
2. She now has a drooling whispering mouth on her stomach.
3. She instantly gains 900 lbs.
4. She now has giant rubbery tentacles for arms.
5. The stomach mouth is constantly vomiting boiling hot blood.
11. Ellywick casts Howl of Rage against Eulalie.
12. Napa Cannonball casts Erupting Earth, which is bad news when you are a blob that used to be a dwarf.
13. “But my bear can’t die because I named it after Eric!”
14. Gari is on fire, and he smells dee-li-cious!
15. Gari shoots one of the bad guys in the face with the blunderbuss.
16. The Ghost of Ellywick does a Doom Howl.
17. “I just wanted a trampoline.”
18. Or you could pretend for once that your bow is NOT out and loaded since you are currently being compelled to murder your compatriots…
19. “BUT WE PINKY SWORE!”
20. We may be bad at rolling, but at least we ace the basic addition!
21. If you are [happy] undead and you know it, [clap your hands] you can be a ghost!
22. Napa Cannonball throws some Good Berries in the general vicinity of the injured.
23. Eulalie heals herself rather than scrabble for Napa’s dirt berries.
24. Gari throws a bottle of acid at Oblusk.
25. Darksblade casts “Witch Bolt” which apparently also makes Maura’s Google Home possessed.
26. Hor-Hor casts Eldritch Blast and Napa Cannonball reveals that they are asexual because they are a plant.
27. Ellywick dashes close and sees something that the others cannot.
28. Gari’s bleeding out, but Sylhanna uses her Cure Wounds spell on that goddamn bear instead.
29. NOTE TO PLAYERS EVERYWHERE: Don’t give your DM a model of a beholder for Christmas unless you want to have to fight it later.
30. The beholder takes a chomp out of Sylhanna, but she manages to disengage.
31. Darksblade uses Witch Bolt on the beholder.
32. Napa Cannonball casts Web on the beholder.
33. Zombie Gari casts Guiding Bolt on the beholder.
34. “What can you do for me, EYEBALL MAN!”
35. Turns out having a giant a** mouth really puts you at a disadvantage when someone creates a giant cloud of poisonous gas in your vicinity.
36. Ellywick rolls for loot and gets an ebony longsword that does 4d4 damage, and twice per day, the damage dealt can be added to her hit points.
37. Hortense’s ghost dissipates.
38. Gari’s loot is Cronenburg’s Club, a hand club that does 1d10 damage, and has a 1 in 4 chance of releasing flesh-eating bacteria that causes an additional 1d10 and blinding pain.
39. Napa Cannonball gets a goatskin water flask. Drinking from it increases their Charisma Bonus by +3 for 10 minutes, usable twice per day.
40. Darksblade gets The Butcher’s Best Friend, a 2-haned meat cleaver that does 3d + Strength, on a critical roll, it will lop off a limb [of the enemy] at random.
41. Sylhanna moves her bear to safety, then gets to loot a bottle of mutilated spirits. When thrown, anything around it in a 20’ radius gets eaten by hungry souls, doing 7d8 damage, one use only. (Or, you could just poop in it.)
42. So, Oblusk’s plan was to usurp the being that is in control above us and use us in their army?
43. We go up into the next room and it is… a lake?
44. We burn the spaghetti (a.k.a. Vermillion’s remains).
Sylhanna + Beric, artwork by Sammy
Song: 5 Syringes by Lauren Clarke
Hortense was unwell,
Perhaps she deserved this Hell,
A puppet made a choice for her,
The rest is just a blur,
Maybe she didn’t care what happened,
Maybe she was just curious,
Who knows, who knows what she imagined,
Her motives were mysterious,
She found them,
She didn’t steal,
Something broken inside,
She couldn’t heal,
Take one and then another?
“Why not all at once?”
The puppet utters,
And she was in concurrence,
One—her eyes grew to one-foot stalks!
Two—a drooling, whispering mouth!
Three—now weighs a ton!
Four—tentacles for arms!
Five—throwing up boiling blood.
Song, lyrics and artwork by Lauren Clarke
This song was inspired by Episode 47 “Soul Plane, Part 1: Golden Collars” of the Half OK Dungeons and Dragons podcast. Hortense Glorybeard, a severely mentally ill dwarf (played by Danielle) once found five syringes filled with mysterious green ooze. Her truly terrifying hand puppet convinced her to jam all five syringes in at once, and the results are unfortunate. RIP, Hortense.
