God of All Comfort

Special guest Chris Kennedy, Pastor and Author

Chris’s book, Grace Under Pressure - https://amzn.to/3FBrdU2 (associate link)

 

Proactive v reactive approach

Proactive = investing in taking care of ourselves, our emotions, our whole selves to be able to live in the moment more authentically as ourselves and in what we value/believe

Reactive = awareness of emotion when it comes up

 

Tip 1 - Attend to and nurture

The environment

Relationships

Internal needs

Growth mindset – realist outlook + everything is redeemable

 

Tip 2 – Hold the tension of love with your frustration or anger

 

Tip 3 – Remember “more than they deserve”

Tip 4 – Non-judgment – grace and truth with the understanding that God is judge, not me

Tip 5 – Notice other people

Tip 6 – values and faith as driver, emotion as information to process

Shame

Tip 7 – careful of pouring yourself out to the last drop, we are human

 

The impact of shame and guilt on our internal processing of anger

“Holding It Lightly” from dialectical behavior therapy

The purpose of frustration and anger

 

How do I find more happiness?

Happiness is a momentary emotion, as all emotions are, time oriented, even as a mood

 

Tip 1 - Look for happy moments, not a vague ongoing experience

 

Defining – emotion related to joy, gladness, satisfaction, or wellbeing

Related to confidence or satisfaction with a moment, a person, a situation

 

Tip 2 – avoid all or nothing thinking

Allow and acknowledge several emotions in your system at one time

Value all the emotions

 

Tip 3 – We’re ok v. Yay!

Positive psych and researching the experience of happiness

Hedonia and eudaimonia – pleasure v meaning

Markers of happiness = relationships, purpose, meaning/gratitude/mindfulness, physical health

 

Tip 4 – Don’t force it

 

Tip 5 – Know your values to find your eudaimonia happiness

Purpose and pleasure, skill and fulfillment

DBT values word list available to subscribers at heidigoehmann.com in December

 

 

Research:

https://positivepsychology.com/predictors-of-happiness/

Waterman, A. S. (2013). Eudaimonia: Contrasting two conceptions of happiness: Hedonia and eudaimonia. In J. J. Froh & A. C. Parks (Eds.), Activities for teaching positive psychology: A guide for instructors (pp. 29–34). American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/14042-005

Huta, V., Waterman, A.S. Eudaimonia and Its Distinction from Hedonia: Developing a Classification and Terminology for Understanding Conceptual and Operational Definitions. J Happiness Stud 15, 1425–1456 (2014). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10902-013-9485-0

How do I tell the difference between my anxiety and my child’s?

 

Attachment relationships are more connected for regulation

The value of presence

The detriment of sponging emotion

 

Tip #1 – adults can bring the emotions to consciousness for kids

Notice and name the emotion in the room

Also helps us differentiate between my emotion and someone else

 

Tip #2 – go out into nature/Creation to release some emotion

Link to forest therapy info: https://www.natureandforesttherapy.earth/

 

Tip #3 – know your own “stuff” (triggers, concerns, traumas)

 

Tip #4 – do not assume an emotion, ask about an emotion

 

Tip #5 – Be aware of triggers with no shame

Practice accountability with kindness

“I am uncomfortable. I want to hear what you have to say. I want to know what’s going on with you. The way it’s coming out is challenging for me.”

 

Tip #6 – hold the duality of parental responsibility with deep parental love and connection

Common questions: will they be ok? Will I mess them up? What am I missing?

Give yourself space to learn and grow

Try to help kids be unburdened by adult problems

 

Tip # 7 – Maintain your connection with God

Pouring out your emotions with God

Resting with God

Rhythms of prayer as emotionally regulating

Hear God speaking to your emotions as a Gospel-oriented, invitation-to-relationship God

How do I help my loved one when they are sad?

 

Differences in sadness and sorrow definition

relationship to distress and emotion regulation

 

Elevated, heavy feelings – sadness, guilt, remorse/regret, powerlessness

-       Time oriented, long suffering, pain taking time

-       Death, change, trauma, heartbreak, injustice, loss, disappointment, bad luck, trouble

 

Consider the moments when someone becomes aware of something challenging

No fixing

acknowledgement goes a long way

let these emotions be a process

let people’s emotions, including our own be complicated and layered

let it be seen by God with someone

invite that person into regular life things

  

2 Corinthians 1:3-4, God of all comforts, God of all, but especially of comfort

Psalm 18:6-8, God’s anger at what makes us sad or hurt

 

 

Resources:

https://heidigoehmann.com/articles/sorrow-an-acknowledgment

https://heidigoehmann.com/articles/honoring-our-sorrow-sadness-amp-tears-a-scripture-list-for-lent

https://www.kfuo.org/2020/01/20/coffee-hour-012020-no-shame-in-sadness/

Listener question: How do I have a conversation with someone I disagree with when I feel passionately about something?

 

Annoyed, accosted, attacked, or acknowledgment – honoring people’s passions while setting our own boundaries

 

Tip 1 – root around your belief systems and consider how it impacts people

 

Tip 2 – use words to state our emotions as well as our thoughts

 

Define Zeal

-       great energy or enthusiasm for a cause of goal (google)

-       eagerness and ardent interest in something (webster)

-       fervor, determination, combined with kindness equalling great devotion (urban dictionary)

-       related to passion that is hard to govern

 

Tip 3 - What is the love within this? What is the fear within this?

-       

Tip 4 – reserve zeal for injustice to give power to the marginalized

Tip 5 – hate doesn’t help

-       Ted Lasso – Be curious, not judgmental

 

 

Tip 6 – You can have boundaries

Opt out of conversations – place for avoidance and distraction, change of focus

Opt of relationships – what relationships in our life hold zeal in health and which are overwhelming

Boundaries with your own emotions

 

Resources:

Atlas of the Heart - https://amzn.to/46uBrRD

Subsribe to heidigoehmann.com for more.

Listener question: How do I have both empathy and boundaries?

Article on empathy and boundaries at heidigoehmann.com - https://heidigoehmann.com/articles/the-savior-complex-empathy-without-boundaries

 The difference between “hey, hold my emotions” and “withness”

Cognitive empathy:

Do they need us to see their perspective? Listen and ask questions about what they are thinking and how they see the world and their current experience. 

Emotional empathy:

Do they need us to see their feelings? Listen and ask questions that help them name their emotions and give a space to honor them without judgment. 

Boundary #1 – self-differentiation

Boundary #2 – no drama making, honor the degrees of separation

Boundary #3 - know your lens: perspective, bias, and assumptions

Boundary #4 – empathy doesn’t fix people

Boundary #5 – know your bandwidth 

Boundary #6 – be yourself in your kind and compassionate clothing

Boundary #7 – recognize all of our capacity for suffering

 

Mental Health Tool - Gut check practice

Series on empathy at heidigoehmann.com -

https://heidigoehmann.com/articles/igniting-empathy-inside-of-me

https://heidigoehmann.com/articles/how-do-we-talk-with-empathy

https://heidigoehmann.com/articles/bringing-empathy-to-social-media

How do I get more pleasure in my life and relationships?

Getting past the word pleasure - Culture and church cringy word, kind of awkward, vaguely sexual 

Pleasure definition = enjoyment, satisfaction

1 - Look for pleasure to be relationship focused

2 - ask deeper questions about pleasure

3 - pleasure in balance with other emotions

4 - noticing skills

 

3 stages of pleasure:

Wanting – expectation/anticipation, pursuit/drive

Liking – sensation experience of pleasure, hedonistic hotspots in the brain

Learning – brain updating information, making future predictions; brain begins linking neurotransmitters that were harder to link before

 

 

Resources:

Altogether Beautiful video on expanding our understanding of pleasure

45 sec Preview: https://youtu.be/902FvFLwbA0?si=P8irRsjz0AH2ZQXj

https://vimeo.com/ondemand/altogetherbeautiful/260826340

https://www.apa.org/science/about/psa/2004/11/berridge

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/between-cultures/202107/the-new-neuroscience-pleasure

Welcome back! The Life in Relationship Podcast answers one relationship question in each episode. We are looking forward to sharing Season 6 with you.

This season we are answering relationship questions all about Emotions to celebrate Heidi's book release of Emotions & the Gospel: Created for Connection. Emotions covered include: pleasure, anxiety, happiness, sadness & sorrow, frustration, zeal, and empathy.

Join us for episodes dropping in September. Submit your relationship questions at lifeinrelationshippodcast@gmail.com. See you soon!

Topic: Topic: How do you break up well?How do I know it’s healthy to start dating again after a divorce or breakup?

 

• The weightiness of breakups
• Reminding us of our need as humans for intimacy
• There are ways to do break ups “better”, but no way to do it “easy”

 

Keep it classy, kind, and clear

• Break ups are in a moment, but the work of a break up is long term
• face to face universally preferred in the research
• What do you need and what needs healing?
• Find your support people
• Consider the impact on relationships beyond yourself

 

Allow for emotions

• Give opportunity to process for yourself and your break up partner
• let complex emotions be there, just listen and then move forward
• Own what needs to be owned, don’t own what isn’t yours
• Dave’s wisdom = “It’s not you, it’s us.”
• space before friendship
• Happier music video: https://youtu.be/m7Bc3pLyij0

 

Give yourself time and space for the grief

• Set needed boundaries
• Homeostasis, getting to normalcy and comfort
• Pay attention to your internal dialogue and engage in healthy and aware self-talk
• A good time to engage in your spiritual life for foundation safety/comfort
• Space in communication
• disenfranchised grief and awareness of the stages of grief
• markers for “moving on”

 

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0338013/

Necessary Endings: https://amzn.to/3PD8Q4Q

Short answer: Keep it classy and give yourself time.

 

 

How do partners take care of each other when they have a baby?

 

1 – Learn together, about baby and each other

What are your unique challenges?

 

Gender role complications

Awareness of shifts and changes with each baby

Embrace flexible curiosity

Make space and room for letting the baggage come out

 

 

2 – hold the good and bad together for and with another

Acknowledge the impossibility of the unpredictable nature of parenting

 

Some common anxieties:

• Exhaustion
• Anxiety about infant or just life
• Changes in other relationships (boundaries with others)
• What support is available
• Physical touch and sensory overload
• Uncertainty of needs – other and within self
• Communicating about something so new
• Losing who I am outside of parenting

 

 

3 – Notice where your partner needs and respond to each other with grace

• Hormone changes and adjustment for both partners
• sleep deprivation messes with you
• validate and offer small touches to ground partner
• notice mess and mindfully notice joy
• Caring for each other outside of motherhood and fatherhood
• Caring for each other by splitting duties

household chores episode – https://ilovemyshepherd.libsyn.com/household-chores

 

4– help one another remember yourselves outside of parenting

• remember it’s a season
• go out and make nice moments happen when you stay in
• get to know baby and let baby get to know you - acclimate to baby, but also let baby acclimate to you

 

 

Resources:

Gottman Bringing Up Baby course -  https://www.gottman.com/blog/bringing-baby-home-the-research/

And Baby Makes Three - https://amzn.to/3B79iBj (affiliate link)

 

 

Short answer: Plan for the unplannable and watch yourself grow.