Have you ever heard the saying, “You’ve got to fall in love with yourself first?”
Many women reject this idea, but the truth is, the longest relationship you will have during your time on this earth is the relationship you have with yourself. Therefore, nurturing yourself is highly important, and if you want to have a life that is together, abundant, and truly in alignment, you must put yourself first.
Margaret from Austin, Texas, wrote in and said, “Danielle, in the year that I’ve been following your work, I’ve been working toward owning my life and caring deeply about myself. I’ve made my mental health, emotional well-being, sleep, nutrition, physical activity, and relationships a priority. However, I still struggle to put myself first in all areas of my life. I know you’ve said multiple times that we must hold space for ourselves and our needs, but honestly, I still find myself giving more than I should because I want to be a good person. How can we hold space for ourselves without feeling selfish or guilty? And, are there ways that I can check in with myself to know if I’m putting myself first?”
Fantastic question, Margaret. Many of us need a matrix to know if we have put ourselves in first position, and that’s exactly what we will work through and reset today!
Doing this work comes in a few different simple and easy ways. As for holding space for ourselves, I love this is a focus of Margaret’s, and I hope it’s one of yours, too. For those that don’t know what the means, holding space for yourself means to be present with yourself, without judgment. It means you are willing to listen to your own needs, act from a grounded place of self-love, trust, and respect, and ultimately practice empathy and compassion. This is the essential act of putting yourself first.
And before we dive into the rest of the question, I want to touch on quote “being a good person” quickly. First, understand that being a good person has different definitions for each of us. One may think that being a good person means doing the right thing at all costs, even the cost of yourself. You know, doing things you dislike. Others see being a good person as not speaking up for themselves, or staying small to make others comfortable with their own unwillingness to take control of their lives. Others believe it’s living as you are and trying to do your best. There are so many definitions. The problem with being a quote “good person” is that we often do unkind things to ourselves while we serve others without question and without realizing the long-term impact.
The deal is this; when we put ourselves first in a genuine way, we realize that being a good person starts with how we treat ourselves. When we treat ourselves well, we have the ability to engage with others in a grounded and heartfelt way. We also realize that no one else will save or do the work for you. With this understanding, you also realize that you cannot be the one who does all the work for someone else. It’s that a-ha moment that you are the knight in shining armor—the princess who has to pick up her sword and slay her own dragons, right?
With that understanding on the table, let’s jump to the next part of Margaret’s question. Are there ways to check in and know if you are putting yourself first? And the answer is, yes, absolutely there are! And, to be honest, there’s a simple practice that you may be doing
First, I want you to think of yourself and your life in the first position. The first position is the “I” perspective. I need, I want, I am.
This is getting into a place where you do not see your goals, needs, and desires as something separate then yourself, but instead in the mindset of how this impacts me, and only me. “I!”
To help you know if you are in the first position when you are doing something for others, they would be the second position. Instead of “I,” this is the “you” perspective of point-of-view, so you would say, “You are doing this.” Or “Are you doing that?” This you is someone else.
The third position is the “he/she/it/they” perspective. So, more of a collective group.
As to ways to check in and know that you are putting yourself first, we literally tune in and turn inward in the first position.
Anytime someone comes to you and says, “I need your help,” you would tune in and ask yourself a series of questions. Now, these questions are mere examples. You can certainly change them and make them work for you.
But I may ask myself, through the lens of the first position:
How do I feel today? Do I have space mentally, emotionally, and physically to help someone else?
If your immediate answer is no, you must hold space and boundaries with a simple “no.” So often, it’s here in the thoughts of being a good person that we push aside the first person, go into the second position, and make the second the priority over your own needs.
You can also ask: what is important to me today? Do “I,” in first position, have an agenda that will help support my life in the short-term and long-term. If I push it aside, will this impact me negatively or positively?
This is a great way to check-in and gauge your energy and time. We often do not do so when new things are offered, and then we become upset when we cannot focus on our original needs.
A few other questions that we can engage in while holding space and keeping in the first position are:
What do I need to do for myself today to make it the best experience? When was the last time you asked yourself this question? Most people never ask this question. Yet, focusing on how you can engage with yourself is a powerful tool that serves your self-esteem, self-love, trust, respect, and so much more beyond holding space.
The next question: How can I best care for myself today?
This is a straightforward way to tune in, put yourself first, and become mindful of what you need and want. When I’ve worked with women, they have brushed off this simple practice because it seemed a bit too easy. But, after some time, they have engaged with the practice and realized that sometimes the simplest things make the biggest impact. What’s the other old saying, “You can’t pour for an empty cup…” You can’t serve others if you don’t fulfill your needs and desires.
As to how to hold space without guilt—saying no isn’t really about the “no.” Instead, it’s about: standing up for your own values, principles, and needs. It’s also about prioritizing what’s most important to you, as I mentioned.
Once you have clarity around what you want and why and then create clear standards around them, it’s easier to say no. There’s deep meaning behind the “no.” With that, you’ll feel empowered instead of fearful and worried, which allows guilt to fall away. More importantly, you’ll be focused on what you’re saying yes to, which will be your priorities and values.
The way to approach a “no” that best keeps you in the first position is:
#1 Delay your answer:
If you hold space, you can allow yourself to remove the pressure. This gives you time to think about how the ask will impact you.
You can simply say:
I need to think about it. Can I get back to you in the next few days?
Or I need to check my schedule. Things are pretty full right now.
Immediate answers often put us in positions we do not want to be in and fill our time with things that do not best serve us.
#2 Make a counter-offer if this is something you do want to do but don’t have all the time to commit.
Offer to take on a smaller role.
Give the person time to ask questions or connect them with someone that can better serve them. This removes guilt, too.
#3 Be firm in your answer.
Meaning, that it’s okay to start with No. You don’t have to justify your answer or your reasoning. Just offer your firm answer. Guilt comes in when we offer doubt.
#4 If you need to explain, keep it brief.
Often when we are trying to be kind, we go into depth justifying and opens the door for wiggle room. Instead, keep it brief. One of my favorite things to say is:
I just don’t have the bandwidth for that right now.
We hold space for ourselves without guilt by:
Being honest
Don’t apologize for taking and owning our own space.
And we are firm in keeping ourselves a priority.
Holding space is necessary. Putting yourself first is a necessity, and there’s nothing wrong with it. You can offer to yourself in all the kindness you do for others.
Thank you to Margaret from Austin, Texas, for the question!
I challenge you to hold space for yourself and put yourself in the first position! Doing so is an essential life tool that helps elevate and reset your mindset.
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