HOW TO HELP YOUR TEENS WHEN THEY CAN’T PROCESS
It can be very difficult to help your teens when they are not aware or able to voice what they feel, think, or want at times. It’s something that’s developmentally appropriate - their emotions may often feel like a tangled ball or stew.
Right now is one of those times when I’m right there with them in that.
If you’re like me, you might feel like a tangled ball of string or a stew thick with emotions, ideas, and longings.
That’s exactly the description I’d use to describe myself as I watch all the turmoil and pain that’s rocking our nation.
The thing is, I’m not a teenager anymore. So I have to take the time to sort through and untangle myself, so that I can help my kids – who actually are teens - walk through the world right now.
Which is challenging.
ISSUES OF RACE AND DISCRIMINATION
If you’ve been with me for a while, you know I’ve talked about issues of race and discrimination before, in terms of books. You can listen to Episode 25 to hear my discussion on Children of Blood and Bone by Tomi Adeyemi, to Episode 34 to hear me talking with two women about The Hate You Give, by Angie Thomas, and to Episode 42 to hear me talking about A Very Large Expanse of Sea.
What’s happened with George Floyd is exactly why I shared those books – as a starting point to talk about tough things with your teens. To help your teens make better grasp the world around them.
Now, we’re walking through the very real scenario of a black man dead at the hands of police. Again.
My heart is broken and my soul is on fire with anger at the injustice of it.
And I don’t have any answers.
I DON'T HAVE ANSWERS, BUT I HAVE THIS
Here’s what I do have a:
- heart for listening to those who have been oppressed, and grieving with them
- humility because I know I am often ignorant about my own bias and privilege
- head to guide me in learning, transforming, and changing
- hope that the tide will turn, and justice will be available to all.
One of the things I’m challenged with is seeing the “big picture”. Yes, it’s a strength as well, but in the context I’m sharing, not so much.
The details of things make me feel itchy, and I’d rather have the big idea and let others work out the specifics.
That doesn’t work for this crisis we’re facing as Americans.
What I’ve discovered is the power of getting down to the granular level and doing for one what I’d like to do for many.
You may have heard the story about the little boy, walking along a beach one morning, where thousands of starfish had washed up on shore from a storm the night before. He’s taking starfish, one by one, and throwing them back into the ocean. A man walking by says, “What are you doing? There are so many starfish – you’ll never be able to get to them all before they start to die. Why bother?” The boy replies, “It matters to this one.”
That’s where I have to start – with this one, right in front of me. And to do that, I have to be in proximity – in relationship – with people who look different than I do.
Before I invited my friends Raven and Kellye onto the podcast to talk about The Hate You Give, we first participated in a small group discussion about the book.
The diverse group was made up of women who ranged in ages from their 20’s to 70’s. We had an open, challenging discussion that took my breath away. I learned so much, not the least of which is that even the act of listening is profound.
There are people you know right now who need to be heard. Who need to know that you are open and eager to hear how they’re feeling, to understand what their experience has been.
Once I started to listen, I began to see the inequities that were rampant around me. I can guarantee, once you start to listen, you will too.
SIMPLE WAYS TO HELP YOUR TEENS SHOW UP FOR OTHERS
What blew me away at that book club meeting was this – the “asks” were so doable.
- Listen.
- Bear witness.
- Invite.
- Build relationships.
- Step into others' shoes.
- Be informed.
- Speak up.
- Ditch the idea that you are “saving” anyone.
In doing these things, not only will you be showing up in an authentic, real way, it will also help your teens because you are modeling what that looks like for them.
But modeling isn’t enough. We need to give them the space to work through their tangled ball, their stew of feeling on the things going on in our world – or, we may even need to inform and educate them on it if they’re not tuned in.
SIXS STRATEGIES TO HELP YOUR TEEN NAVIGATE RIGHT NOW
Here are some suggestions on how to do that.
Don’t tell them what they are feeling or thinking.
You also want to avoid telling them what they should think or feel. That can invalidate what they are able to share.
Ask open-ended questions.
- What do you know about the man that was killed by a policeman in Minnesota?
- How are you feeling about that?
- What’s the difference between the protestors and the rioters?
- Why do you think people are so angry?
- What do you know about Civil Rights and the history of people of color in the United States?
- How do you think we can change things?
- What would it look like if your generation was running things? How would this be different?
- When have you witnessed or experienced injustice in your own life?
- What does it mean to be “privileged”?
- Do you think we are privileged? Let’s talk about some examples that lead you to think that.
- What is bias? What biases do you think you have?
Be okay with them not engaging with you and answering these questions.
Still ask them – your brain is wired to find answers to questions, so even if they don’t share with you, their brains are working on it.
Share your own answers to the questions.
Talk about personal experiences that have opened your eyes to injustice in your world.
When you experience privilege or see injustice, talk to them about it in the moment.
You can also use resources – like the videos I’ve included in the Referenced in this Episode Section below – to talk to spark discussions about privilege, bias, and injustice.
Talk about ways to resist injustice and make a difference.
The small things you do in your corner of the world add up to big changes.
- Pray
- Protest
- Vote
- Write politicians
- Donate money to organizations
- Share stories of people who have made a difference
This article also offers some great ideas on how you can help.
LEANING INTO THE HARD TRUTH
You might be at the beginning of this journey. You may be feeling overwhelmed and like nothing will ever change. I’d love to share some resources with you. Some of these are books I’ve read that have affected my outlook and educated me on different perspectives. Others are on my TBR list. Some are non-fiction, some are stories – fictional novels that represent the struggle for justice that many experience. There are also videos and links to content that will help you help your teens. You can find them all in the Referenced in this Episode Section below
I will be very frank. If you’re new to the scene, these books, videos, and other resources will make you uncomfortable. If you’re like me, they may open your eyes to some hard truths about our country. They may feel political.
I would encourage you – implore you, really, to lean in anyway. To sift through and get the facts, listen to peoples’ experiences, grieve with them, absorb everything you can so that you can make informed decisions about the issues we’re facing.
MAKING A CHOICE
We’re in a place where staying ignorant and not choosing is a choice.
I am the first to say that I am going to mess up in this. I am going to say ignorant things, I am going to make missteps and miss opportunities.
But I am OKAY with that. I would rather be real and authentic, engaged in grappling with this, aiming and falling short, than standing on the sidelines, too afraid of getting it wrong to lean in and try.
MY INVITATION
I invite you into the arena with me. It’s a place where we might get knocked down, stung, brought to our knees. But if our participation can bring about even a tiny change, isn’t it worth it?
