How To Cope With Hopelessness After Losing Your Mom With Kimmy Meyer

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How is a woman's life after losing her mom? Is it always going to be a struggle? Will it ever be joyful again? Kat Bonner, Grief Coach shares her experiences and the stories of other Motherless Daughters to describe a "Life After Losing Mom."

Need someone to talk to about your grief journey? Schedule a complimentary connection call at KatBonner.com

Kat's Facebook Group

Kat on Instagram @katgriefcoach

How is a woman's life after losing her mom? Is it always going to be a struggle? Will it ever be joyful again? Kat Bonner, Grief Coach shares her experiences and the stories of other Motherless Daughters to describe a "Life After Losing Mom."

Need someone to talk to about your grief journey? Schedule a complimentary connection call at KatBonner.com

Welcome to Life After Losing Mom With Kat Bonner. In this episode, we’re joined by Stephanie Ragar. Stephanie shares how fighting her anxiety has changed her life.

What To Listen For

• Stephanie’s mom’s sudden cancer diagnosis.
• How keeping it together is actually Stephanie’s biggest downfall.
• Anxiety’s role in Stephanie’s grief process.
• How sometimes it can be challenging to talk with someone who doesn’t quite understand what you’re going through.
• What to look for in a therapist.
• The life-changing power of Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR.)
• How your body can know exactly what to do to get you through the grief process.
• “Grief Triggers” and what to do about them.
• There’s no right way or wrong way to grieve.
• How grief can take its toll on your physical health.
• Discussion about company grief policies.
• The importance of sharing your grief story.

Stephanie is not alone in grieving the loss of her mom, but openness and sharing of her story helps give other women going through the same thing comfort and hope. Stephanie opens up about the hard reality of processing grief while dealing with anxiety, getting help, and the importance of sharing your story as a method of processing.

Resources From This Episode:

• Stephanie on Facebook
• Stephanie on Instagram

Follow Kat:

• Visit The Website
• Subscribe to the Podcast
• Join The Life After Losing Mom Facebook Community
• Like On Facebook
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Welcome to Life After Losing Mom With Kat Bonner. In this episode, we’re joined by, Diane Langness. On this episode, Diane shares how joining the military gave her confidence and how you can have more confidence in your life.

What To Listen For

• Diane story of piecing together the facts about how her mother died in an accident.
• How Diane and her sister were left to basically raise themselves.
• The impact that seeing a woman in uniform had on Diane’s life.
• How getting involved with other women who have lost their mom enabled Diane to realize she’s not alone.
• How losing her mother at a young age played into Diane’s self-esteem growing up.
• The idea that being kind to yourself is key to managing your grief.
• Strategies for increasing your confidence.
• How Diane remembers that her mom is always with her in spirit.

Resources From This Episode:

• Diane On Facebook

Follow Kat:

• Visit The Website
• Subscribe to the Podcast
• Join The Life After Losing Mom Facebook Community
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Welcome to Life After Losing Mom With Kat Bonner. In this episode, we’re joined by artist and mother, Deborah Morbeto.

What To Listen For

• How Deborah’s mother passed suddenly.
• How the element of surprise makes processing a traumatic event even more difficult.
• Deborah’s mom’s fear of death and its role in her life.
• How unhealthy relationships can take a toll on your health even when you’re physically healthy.
• The oxygen mask metaphor for relationships and how that’s crucial in your relationships.
• How Jada’s relationship with her mom evolved from tumultuous teenage years into a best friendship
• The mixed messages that we receive in today’s culture.
• How to be a woman in modern times.
• Why it’s important for women to own property and a secure financial plan in place.
• How hard it can be to watch someone spending money they don’t have to buy things that won’t bring them what they actually need.
• The sense of loneliness and isolation you feel when you lose your only parent.
• How losing your mom can feel like losing a limb.
• How to process emotions through creativity and art.

Deborah lost her mom suddenly when she seemed to be in good physical health. But her mom wasn’t healthy emotionally and ultimately led to her demise. Deborah uses art and creativity to process her emotions and teaches others to do the same. How you process is up to you but it’s important to try and find an outlet or activity that works for you.

Resources From This Episode:

• Deborah’s Facebook Page
• Deborah’s Website

Follow Kat:

• Visit The Website
• Subscribe to the Podcast
• Join The Life After Losing Mom Facebook Community
• Like On Facebook
• Follow On Instagram

Welcome to Life After Losing Mom With Kat Bonner. In this episode, we’re joined by Priscilla Cope. She is a student, dispatcher, wife, chihuahua mom, and paranormal investigator. She’s staying busy as she moves through life without her best friend.

What To Listen For

• The story of Priscilla’s mother's sudden diagnosis of bladder cancer.
• Priscilla’s experience with having a deaf mother and how Priscilla’s first language was actually sign language.
• How hard it can be losing your mom at a crucial age, such as during the teenage years.
• How Priscilla’s mom had to just stop treatment to be with her family in her final days.
• How Priscilla’s grief caused her to block out much of her memories from high school.
• Priscilla’s experience needing to care for her 8-year-old brother and how that caused her to avoid processing her grief.
• The link between depression and grief.
• How Priscilla began to self-mutilate as a cry for help.
• Dealing with a parent that’s alive and doesn’t want anything to do with you - and how that’s so much worse than a parent being gone that loved you.
• Priscilla’s experience of doing everything herself.
• The story of Priscilla’s significant other kicking her out.
• Priscilla’s story of being put on suicide watch and then making a huge life change and moving from Philly to Florida.
• How to use arts and nature as an outlet for expression and a way of keeping yourself busy.
• Realizing that grief can cause you to stop playing music and doing the things you love and that keep you healthy.
• How to take it day by day and remember that your mother’s spirit is here with you.
• Priscilla’s journey to being a funeral director.

Priscilla’s advice is to be patient with yourself. Try taking each day one step at a time and experiment with ways to stay healthy. It could be exercise, nature or the arts. The key is finding whatever works for you.

Resources From This Episode:

• Priscilla’s Instagram
• Priscilla’s Facebook

Follow Kat:

• Visit The Website
• Subscribe to the Podcast
• Join The Life After Losing Mom Facebook Community
• Like On Facebook
• Follow On Instagram

Welcome to Life After Losing Mom With Kat Bonner. In this episode, we’re joined by Amanda Ingram. Amanda is the admin for The Motherless Mothers of New England and shares her grief journey and specifically how she’s managed her battle with postpartum depression without her mom.

What To Listen For

• Amanda’s recollection of losing her mom to a staph infection at the age of 12.
• Amanda’s feelings of anxiety surrounding her mom’s premenopausal diagnoses and how this might be something in Amanda’s future.
• How Amanda views her mom as a “big fighter” (she fought cancer for three and a half years) and the light in the room.
• How Amanda dealt with the fact that her Dad didn’t take responsibility for her after her mom passed.
• Amanda’s experience of moving in with her grandmother and then losing her only three years after her mom. “Essentially I've lost two mothers.”
• Amanda’s struggle with perinatal depression.
• How motherless women have a significantly higher risk of developing mental health problems when starting a family.
• How to process the trauma that happened in the past.
• How motherless women tend to fall on a spectrum of wanting children or not wanting children depending on how they process their grief.
• Amanda’s experience with perinatal depression and how it made her feel like she was having an “out of body experience.”
• How Amanda got help from postpartum.net
• Grief’s cyclicality and how unprocessed grief can show back up in your life ...even when you’re pregnant.
• Amanda’s recommendation to read Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman.
• Tips for managing misdirected anger as a result of losing your mom.
• How one must talk about their grief in order to process it.
• Info on Amanda’s group Motherless Daughters of New England.

Amanda is very open about her struggles with perinatal depression and coping with losing her mother and her grandmother at a very young age. Through the connection with others and opening up, she is managing her grief the best she can and hopes others can do the same. She wants to impart the message that you are not alone and that connecting with others is key to managing grief.

Resources From This Episode:

• Postpartum.net
• Motherless Mothers of New England Facebook Group
• Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman

Follow Kat:

• Visit The Website
• Subscribe to the Podcast
• Join The Life After Losing Mom Facebook Community
• Like On Facebook
• Follow On Instagram

Welcome to Life After Losing Mom With Kat Bonner. In this episode, we’re joined by Sharnelle Gervais. She lost her mom in a tragic accident when she was only 15 years old.

What To Listen For

• How Sharnelle wishes she could’ve said goodbye to her mom for closure because it still doesn’t seem real.
• How Sharnelle had to immediately step into a caretaker role for her siblings when her mom passed.
• Kat’s observations on how age affects the way you process grief.
• Sharnelle’s struggle watching her father move on and begin a new relationship.
• Kat’s tips for “feeling what you’re feeling” in order to process grief.
• How PTSD can affect memory.
• What to do when you realize all the ways your mom won’t be apart of your life in the future.
• The role of anger in the grief process and how to deal with it.
• How Sharnelle began to experience other teenagers taking their parents for granted.
• Sharnelle’s experience of living in a small town and it’s effect on her social life.
• How losing your mom makes it hard to let any other mother figures into your life.
• Sharnelle’s realization that she was going to have to figure out how to take care of herself because no one else would.
• That comparing yourself to others can steal joy from your life.
• Setting up constructive boundaries in relationships.
• How to confide in a significant other.

Sharnelle is not alone in losing her mom at such an early age, but her raw honesty about losing her mom helps give other women going through the same thing comfort and hope. Without sugar-coating her feelings, Sharnelle opens up about the hard reality of processing grief while supporting others and learning to let new people into her life.

Resources From This Episode:

• Sharnelle on Facebook
• Sharnelle on Instagram

Follow Kat:

• Visit The Website
• Subscribe to the Podcast
• Join The Life After Losing Mom Facebook Community
• Like On Facebook
• Follow On Instagram

Transcript

Voiceover: 00:00 In 2013 Kat Bonner lost her mom in a tragic car accident. She figured out how to manage her grief and is helping other women do the same. On this podcast, you'll hear from other women who have lost their moms and discover the exact coping strategies you need to get through the day and be in the best place you've ever been. Don't miss another episode. Subscribe today. More information can be found Katbonner.com/podcast and if you'd like to join a group of likeminded women had to Facebook and search for the life after losing mom community. Lastly, if you're looking for help managing your grief book a complimentary connection call Katbonner.com
Kat: 00:48 so before we get started with the episode, I just want to share something with you. I'm sure you've heard multiple times that grief is an individual process. Well, the people you heard this from aren't wrong because it very much so is you're probably wondering how can someone help me when they grieve differently than I do? That's why I'm so passionate about one on one coaching that is totally customized to you and your pain points. I let you guide me two ways. I can help you. I can only take on three clients at a time. So the spots are limited. I'd love for you to tell me how I can help you in your grief journey.
Speaker 2: 01:34 [inaudible]
Sharnelle: 01:36 I was 15 when my mom passed away. She was in aquatic accident. So we lived in our little small village, about a half an hour away from, uh, a larger city. And uh, our or her parents lived on an acreage just outside of that village. And we'd always just ride our quads up to the acreage and then ride them home while we were all at school one day. And my mom was going about her regular day and she, um, was riding her quad home from my grandparents house and she lost control of the quad and ran into a power pole. And then by the time emergency services arrived, she was in stable condition, but, um, she ended up going into cardiac arrest on the way to the hospital. Um, so she didn't end up making it. They couldn't revive her. So I remember it like it was yesterday. I was in school in the town half an hour away and I got a text from my uncle saying that he was going to pick me up and I thought it was really weird, um, because I always just would ride the bus home.
Sharnelle: 02:45 So I was like, okay. So he picked me up and my brother was there and I think my sister was there too. I can't really remember. But, uh, he said that my mom was in an accident and that we had to go to the hospital. So I was like, oh no, like this isn't good. Is She okay? And he didn't really answer. So my dad was actually about three hours or so late working at the time, so he ended up having a police escort to the town to meet us at the hospital. So we were waiting at the hospital was my grandma and my uncle. And, um, my dad arrived and then they told us that she didn't make it, that she had gotten to quoting accident and that she had died. Um, so at this point I was 15, my brother was 10, I think, and my sister was 19, I believe, 19 or 20.
Sharnelle: 03:44 And um, we were asked if we wanted to see her and say goodbye. And at the time I was 15 so I was like, no, I don't want to see my dead mom. So I opted out, which now looking back on it being almost 11 years this year, I really should have said yes because I feel like that would have provided a little bit more closure cause it's still just kinda doesn't seem like it's real. Like it's like she is just going to, you know, walk in and be like, Hey, sorry, I missed the past 10 years, but it really doesn't. And it was definitely the hardest thing I've ever gone through. Um, especially for being 15. I remember waking up the next morning because my mom wasn't there and I made everybody breakfast. And from then on I just kinda had to take care of them, my brothers specially. And I, cause my sister was so old, she wasn't even at home. So it was my dad and it was me and my little brother. And it was, I, I don't, I don't even know how to explain it. It was so unexpected and I, I don't, I honestly never really grieved I guess. Cause now like 10 coming on 11 years later, I still know that I just suppressed it. I didn't do anything about it.
Kat: 05:17 Yeah, it's, I noticed that a lot. Sorry, this is just my first thought. So this is just coming to my head and then I'll get back to your story a little bit, but I feel like just people who lose their mom when they're younger, I mean, I guess to some people, 15 might be old. Um, but I consider that younger, so, and they're really like pivotal years that they like really repressed their grief and bottle it up. And then they really started to grieve years and years later. And that might not even be intentional, which is crazy because you're like, oh my God, how did I actually put this off for so long? And then there's another thing, degree of on top of actually grieving the loss and you're like, yeah, go like this makes no sense. So how, for starters, I want to say I'm so sorry for your loss.
Kat: 06:14 I know that everybody literally probably always tells you that, but sometimes I just feel like I'm compelled to say it. Yeah. And sorry. Thanks. Interesting to me though that you kind of took over the motherly role when, I mean, I can understand like for your brother, but your dad was there. So can you tell me a little bit more about the dynamic? Like were y'all not close, you know, was he really like struggling in his grief? Like what made you feel like, or did you, you know, feel like you had to be more of a caretaker even though he was there?
Sharnelle: 06:50 Um, yeah. So my, it was only for a little while because, and I, I have to be careful what I say just because I don't want to hurt my father's feelings cause I know he's going to want to listen to this. But he, yeah. Um, I, he definitely, it was really hard. He lost his wife and the mother of his children, so he was definitely going through a really hard time. He ended up losing his job because of it. And He, um, I just felt like I should help with some of this stuff because he never really was alone. He was with my mother's since he was like 19. And, um, it's just, it was, I don't know, I guess I'll just felt like I should help my brother and my dad deal with that. Um, it wasn't for very long. It was only about a month or two.
Sharnelle: 07:45 And then his, my dad rekindled a relationship with his ex who he had a kid with just before he got together with my mom and she ended up moving in with her son because of their personal issues with her ex husband. Um, and that really kind of affected me. I just kind of from there just shut down I guess and kind of close everybody out and just kind of started moving on with my own life. Um, because it was so sudden like, and I know that he needed to move on and whatever, and I don't blame him, but I know that it was really hard for us as kids to have our mom passed away and then just a few months later have some other woman move in and try to take care of us, I guess.
Kat: 08:52 Oh, bless your heart. Yeah. I, there's always so many feelings that, you know, come along with grief and I think that one of the hardest things to process, it's like how can you feel so many things at one time? And it really just goes to show that like you just have to like literally allow yourself to feel how you're feeling because that's the only way that you're going to get through those feelings and the only way that you're going to be able to process them. But I am curious, do you, maybe, and I hear this a lot from women just because I think it's because they're a woman, but do you think that you maybe took on the motherly role because like you're a female?
Speaker 5: 09:46 Um,
Sharnelle: 09:46 I guess it's mostly just because I am such an empath myself.
Speaker 5: 09:52 I, um,
Sharnelle: 09:55 just knew how they felt and I wanted to try to make them feel better, I guess. And I guess that could be because I'm a woman. I'm,
Kat: 10:04 you probably never really thought about it. No, that's so funny. Yeah. Well sometimes it just depends on people's personality, which is definitely a great asset to have. Bless your heart. I hope it didn't make things harder on yourself. Um, so I guess growing up, like were you and your mom, I mean, obviously you have a different relationship with your mom than you have with your dad, but were you more of like a mama's girl or a daddy's girl?
Sharnelle: 10:36 No, I was definitely more of a daddy's girl. Um, and I still kind of am to this day. Um, my mom had really, really, really bad depression, so she oftentimes didn't get out of bed. And, um, we had to make our own lunches for school because my dad was away working and, um, we didn't like super have a close relationship, I guess. It's honestly like I have a really hard time remembering anything from my childhood and I think it's just like PTSD from the accident and kind of how I just dealt with everything. I just pushed it all the way. And for some reason I just can't remember a lot of it.
Speaker 5: 11:27 Um, I know that I
Sharnelle: 11:31 thinks that I pretty much was just a daddy's girl and my brother was like a mama's boy and my sister is kinda like a mama's girl too. Um,
Speaker 5: 11:42 but I [inaudible]
Sharnelle: 11:45 honestly, like, I just don't remember much about my childhood.
Kat: 11:49 Yeah. It's though that's the kind of thing I feel like ask your parents and then you don't have your parents and you're like, oh, well, there goes that. Um, yeah. And it's so interesting because you know, even if you're a daddy's girl or a mama's girl or whatever, I mean just like there's something special about a father daughter relationship. Like there's just some things that you can't go to your dad too. And I think that's why like it's so different and it's so hard being a woman, losing your mom because it's like you literally lost the person who raised you, but she is like your same like sex, like she like literally has like your same composition and you don't like, you know, maybe you have to feel like you explain yourself, you know, where that sort of thing that women might feel like with a woman. Man, I don't know at this point I'm probably like rambling, but when I guess after,
Sharnelle: 12:49 yes,
Kat: 12:49 your mom's passing, did you realize that like, hey, this is Herman. It like, you know, I don't have my mom here to share like my life with anymore. Like was it immediate?
Speaker 6: 13:03 Um,
Sharnelle: 13:04 yeah, I guess it really was. And I just cried and cried and cried forever because like the things that I do remember, um, with my mom, it just, it was just like these flashes where it's like, well now your mom's not gonna be at your graduation and your mom's not gonna be at your wedding and your mom's not gonna be there when you have your own kids to even ask questions to like, in order to be like, mom, my baby has a fever, what do I do? Things like that. Like I never, as soon as she passed away, it's like all those things came into my head. Like, you know, you, you will, you don't have anybody to ask.
Kat: 13:50 Yeah, exactly. You don't realize that until they're not there. And you're like, well shit, they're good is that, and yeah, exactly. I mean, no matter what, you cannot prepare yourself for this loss. But I think when the loss is unexpected, it's literally a ginormous slap in the face. And you're like white. I, and I, you know, I can't attest to like having any side to loss because my mom's passing was also unexpected, but just based on like my knowledge, it's like, okay, like this was so unexpected and like, especially being so young, I mean you can't really, I like prepare like, oh, like if I knew my mom was sick, me personally, like I would've thought about who am I going to go to when I'm going to need my mom? For things just almost preparing in advance for that. Like, no, you can't prepare your emotions, but do you know what I'm saying? Yeah.
Sharnelle: 14:46 To mentally prepare yourself and to be able to also just let your parent know that you know you love them before it happens. Like when my mom passed away, we weren't really affectionate. Like, yeah, we'd hug and stuff like that. But we never really told each other that we loved them. So I don't even remember what the last thing I said to my mom was. Whereas if I were to, if my dad were to pass away, I'd know. Or like even my siblings, I'd know that the last thing I said to them was, I love you because every time we talk now, we always end our conversation saying that we love each other.
Kat: 15:23 Exactly. And I mean, you've just kind of realized that because you've been through this loss, which is unfortunate, but I mean there's just, you know, kind of how it works. And it's so interesting. Like sometimes I've talked to some people and they're like, oh, I didn't reach out to any other woman for anything. You know, when my mom died, like they didn't reach out to their mom's friend or their aunt or anything like that. So did you find yourself, you know, doing that or longing for another mother figure? I'm sure
Sharnelle: 15:57 the only really person I kind of reached out to was my dad's mom. My grandma, she was like, so growing up, essentially each kid had their own set of grandparents that they would hang out with, I guess in the summer. So my sister went to my mom's parents and I went to my dad's mom's and my brother went to my dad's debt. So since my mom had passed away, I always would call my grandma. She was a a nurse anyways, a registered nurse. And so I would usually just call her if I had any like medical questions even just to like hang out. And I ended up living with her for a little while too when I moved out of my, uh, dad's house. And, um, she was kind of like, I guess the mother figure purse say in my life because I was so mad at my dad. I didn't even want to have a relationship with his girlfriend and I had like a civil relationship, but it's just like I took it so personally that she was around. And even to this day, like I just [inaudible] I dunno, I guess it's because I felt like it was forced on me and I didn't want it at all. I didn't want it to be forced on me, so I just didn't really give it a chance.
Kat: 17:24 Yeah. It's really interesting when you realize that like, wow, I don't really get angry. And then like your mom dies and you're like, Holy Shit, I've, I'm like hairier than I've ever been in my entire life. And it's a really, really strange phenomenon. Especially, I mean, people cry, but I feel like anger, especially as one of those emotions that in women especially, it's so frowned upon and you're like, oh, like this is, it's just, I mean, it's fascinating, but it's very different process. Um, I am curious, do you think that your like relationship and your interactions with your grandma on your dad's side made the void worse from your mom or from not having your mom?
Sharnelle: 18:20 Um, I don't, I don't know. I guess there were, there was quite a few years there where I just didn't really reach out to anybody, I guess. Um, but when I, cause I went through like extreme depression myself. I tried to kill myself. I ended up in the hospital for awhile to get like my antidepressants regulated and all this stuff. So I think like during that time between like 16 and 18, I was just, I just kind of shut everybody out. And I was like just a typical teenager that just missed my mom. And I just kinda thought that not having anybody was better than trying to fill the void.
Kat: 19:12 Yeah, that's interesting that you say that because I'm sure that thought has gone through many of folks heads. I don't know if I said that right, but many people's heads, there we go. Um, at some point. And it's definitely a lot to think about because it's like, you know, when you reflect on your decisions as this choice making my grief worse or, you know, is it making my grief better? But do you think that like it was almost part of you coping, like with not having your mom to share your life with, like, was that a way that you cope with it by, you know, spending time with your grandma?
Sharnelle: 19:56 Uh, yeah, it was, it was really nice too. Cause we would like talk about my mom and she would share stories of things that I might've forgotten and um, and it was like, I always had like a really nice relationship with her. Um, so it was good to have like some sort of stability I guess when that all went down. Um, cause she was able to be like a constant that wasn't changing I guess.
Kat: 20:37 Yeah, no, that makes perfect sense. It's like, okay, well at least you don't expect it to change. Like you're not sick, you know, like as far as I know. Yeah. Obviously unexpected can happen, but you had the thought in your head like, you know, okay, this is this and this is not going to change hopefully for x amount of time. And I at least, and let me know if you do too, you know, found it comforting to really have people who knew my mom to help me. And I mean family is nice, but that's not like direct family, you know, it's an in-laws. So there might be certain things that she didn't like that she knew about your mom. The other people did. So like, did she like tell you, I mean, well you said that she told you stories, but were they like stories that you expected or, yeah, I just tell me a little,
Sharnelle: 21:36 know more about that. Um, I think like she didn't necessarily have a lot of friends per se because we did live in such a small village and she didn't drive. So a lot of the times she kind of relied on other people to like her mother in law and my grandma to kind of do things with her in a sense. Um, so the stories that she would tell would just be like mostly about like family gatherings or things like that. Usually things that I was around, but I didn't necessarily like realize cause it was in the background or something like that. So it wasn't anything that I really wasn't aware of. Um, but she, yeah, I don't know. It was mostly just things, I guess that I was around for. Nothing too surprising.
Kat: 22:41 No. Yeah, that makes perfect sense. Um, what would you say, like once you really started to cope with, you know, not having your mom as a part of your life, did you notice any like, you know, obvious changes when it comes to, you know, your actions or your traditions or just kind of things like that?
Sharnelle: 23:04 Um, I think I kind of started to happen right away. Just being more aware of other people's personal circumstances. For example, like before that, you know, we'd be typical teenagers, we'd be like, oh my mom is so annoying, she's making me come home or I'm grounded because I did this. And it's like after that happened I'm like, you know, I honestly give to have my mom ground me because I talked back. You know, you kinda realize that other people take their parents for granted when they don't realize it until it's gone. Like I didn't realize it until it was gone. And you just kind of, for me, I just take into consideration people's like things that they're going through. It makes me definitely more aware that not everything that you see is what it seems to be. That there could be another story behind it.
Kat: 23:59 Yeah, that's a really good point that you bring up. And I think especially when it comes to things like death and grief and things that aren't really the norm in society to talk about, people have a tendency to like, especially on social media, to only talk about like the good things. I'm like, yeah, the good things are great, but like, let's be honest and let's be real about what is actually going on here. Um, so did you notice like, I dunno, like you becoming maybe more introverted or extroverted. I mean obviously, okay, let me rephrase that. I don't think that made sense. So you like, you know, would cope with not having your mom by, you know, spending more time with your grandma. But when I guess when it comes time to like traditions or just everyday life, like, did you notice kind of that dynamic of the relationship just being more, you know, like friendly or did you see any relationships in your life become more mother bought or like,
Sharnelle: 25:10 um, I guess it was just more mother daughter. Like with my grandma, I myself, I guess. Yeah, became more extroverted. I became loud and boisterous. I dress crazy because I wanted attention. I guess. I,
Speaker 5: 25:28 um,
Sharnelle: 25:29 acted just like, like I was super happy and that I was loving life and whatever.
Speaker 5: 25:38 But I,
Sharnelle: 25:42 I definitely turned to my grandma a lot more as like a mother figure.
Kat: 25:47 That's so funny. Yeah, no, it definitely makes sense. It's, and I feel like just with family, that's where obviously it's, you're close to your family. I'm not going to say all family, but if you have like a decently close relationship to a female in your family, those relationships are probably more likely to become, you know, more mother daughter relationships. Um, so how did you like as you started to really coping grieve with, you know, that realization of like not having your mom to spend life with. Did you notice the dynamics of any other relationships in your life? Change? It's,
Sharnelle: 26:35 I guess it's just kind of like a broad question. I noticed that my dad was an like, I don't know, I guess like my dad probably was nervous to kind of show me how he really felt and show us kids in general. Like, and I can understand being a parent, you don't want your children to see you go through pain and be sad cause then it makes them sad. So I think that he definitely pushed down his actual feelings for sure. And in turn it just kind of distanced us a little bit as I got older and more into the teenage years. Um, so we didn't do things together. I spent a lot of time in my room as like, I guess I'm not sure if that's for every teenager, but for me, I was always in my bedroom. I didn't want to hang out with my family. I just would text with my friends and listen to music. That's really all I did all the time. So I guess like between that and my brother, I just was like [inaudible]. Yeah, no, I definitely can relate to that.
Kat: 27:59 Um, so tell me a bit more, you said that you've lived in like a small, like village. I'm very curious how this, kind of a side note, how did that like affects your grief?
Sharnelle: 28:11 Um, it, it definitely kind of stuck. They spent a lot of time alone. Um, and usually every weekend I would go and stay with my friends in the neighboring town, which was about a half an hour away. Um, and that was really the only time besides school. I got to see any of my other friends because of the small town. The only other friend I really had was, she lived across the street from me, but she was five years younger than me, so she was just a kid too, as I was going through all of this. So for the most part, I'd hang out by myself at the hockey ring and just sit at the park and not really kind of do much. Boy, I'm sorry. That sounds so rough. Yeah. So, and then on the weekends, I'd honestly just hang out with my friends in the neighboring town and I'm honestly like surprised that my father let me do that and he trusted me enough to let me go away for the weekends. And then I'd usually come home and do stuff at home. But it was, that was really the only time I got to kind of hang out with anybody besides my family.
Kat: 29:31 Yeah, that makes sense. Well, I mean, thankfully the debree town, I mean 30 minutes is pretty far, but at least it wasn't like three hours away. I'd be like, oh, Yay. This is really in the middle of BFE if the neighboring town is this far away. Um, yeah. You were saying with your neighbor, she was just, yeah, it was because she was 10 when your mom passed. So definitely pretty young. Uh, yeah, definitely. Probably could not relate to you on that level regardless of her age, but I'm sure that age, yeah, no, definitely, um, made a difference. So, uh, do you still, I guess kind of going back to, you know, your relationship with your grandma, do you, I mean, if you know she's alive or even if she's deceased, do you have the relationship with somebody else? Like, I basically, I guess, do you continue to cope with, you know, not having your mom to share life with in the same way that you did?
Sharnelle: 30:34 Um, I definitely used to, um, until two years ago, my grandma did pass away actually on the same day that my mother had passed away. Oh God. Um, blushing and that was like, it just brought all of these feelings back and it was just so evil because like, uh, we can, some few days before that, her dad had passed away, she passed away in her sleep and it was just like a lot at once. And ever since then I really honestly don't have a lot of,
Speaker 6: 31:13 um,
Sharnelle: 31:14 people to go to. Like I have my mother in law, which she is definitely great to go to if I want to, but it's almost like it's the whole,
Speaker 6: 31:25 um,
Sharnelle: 31:26 the whole process all over again from when I was 15 where, you know, I don't, I don't want anybody to ever replace my mom. And then it just like brings back all of these anger feelings where it's like, no, like I don't, I don't want this. But then at the same time I have to tell myself, you know, ought to be angry that somebody is trying to have a relationship with you. And it just so happens that she's a mother and you kind of just can't be mad at her for wanting to help you through these things because you don't have your mom. So it's like all of these angsty feelings coming back and then I have to be like, you know, cool. Your jets are not the end of the world that you have a mother-in-law that wants to have a good relationship with you. So it's almost like I try to self sabotage any potential mothering figure because I didn't choose it, you know?
Kat: 32:33 No, uh, yeah, that makes perfect sense. It's especially too, okay, you'll lose one mother figure at your mom and then, okay, I'm choosing to have a nother mother figure with somebody and they die and you're like, well shit. Like there goes to mother figures and you know, x amount of time. And yeah, I mean, people try and it's so, so hard when people are like doing things out of the kindness of their heart, but they're doing things that you don't want them to do. And the only mean, well, it's like, I don't know how to tell you.
Kat: 33:13 And bless your heart. I feel like, you know, if your mom had like, well I'm not saying shit and have a best friend cause that's going to sound really, really bad. But if there's somebody who maybe grew up with your mom and I really value that just like in my own personal life because those people like sometimes know you better than your family does. Um, so is there like, do you find yourself, I take that back. Why do you think that you found yourself wanting a mother figure when your mom passed but not after your grandma passed?
Sharnelle: 33:56 I Dunno, I guess because I essentially am tired of putting my trust in people and just to lose them I guess in a sense. Like I just feel like anybody that I love that just leaves me.
Kat: 34:09 Yeah, no, I definitely makes sense. And it's sad too, but it's also kind of, I don't even know what the right word is. Um, like riveting, encouraging that like at the end it really just goes to show that at the end of the day you have yourself and yeah, it sucks. Like yourself is enough. Like when you just keep getting eventually, like it's sad if you're used to losing people. I mean that's really, really, really unfortunate. But it's like, okay, like I really cannot rely on somebody else to help me get through this, so I'm gonna either have to figure it out myself or get help from somebody who might not like be close to me, who might just be like a random person or you know, whatever, and then figure out how to handle it myself. So eventually, like I just rely on myself. Does that make sense or am I rambling
Sharnelle: 35:10 that, that makes sense. Cause that's one thing I learned too when I was in the hospital, um, that you can really only rely on yourself. Truly. You can't change anybody but yourself. You can't control what anybody else does, but the only person that you can control is yourself. So it's just unfortunately a harsh reality. You just can only rely on yourself. So
Kat: 35:38 yeah, I mean that's all there really is to it. But once you realize that like, you can get through this on your own, you're like, Dang, I'm a bad ass. Like, yeah. Okay. It's like life is pretty great, you know, that kind of thing. But yeah, in the moment it's really sucky and it's hard cause it's like, especially when you see other people, they're like, oh well they have their moms to help them, or Oh God. It's like a literally comparison is the actual theft of all joy.
Sharnelle: 36:09 Yeah.
Kat: 36:09 But Oh, that's just, I mean it's hard not to get discouraged, but eventually it just becomes an easier part of life and grief because that's just how grief works. Yeah. Like how was it telling that person? Um, I believe you said it was your mother-in-law,
Sharnelle: 36:28 right?
Kat: 36:30 Um, how like did you tell her that like, you know, you didn't want a mother figure? I'm curious about how bad,
Sharnelle: 36:37 no, I, I, um, didn't tell her and I know that she herself treads really tend to, I think just because she doesn't want to upset me and I appreciate her, but I do kind of just like have pretty strict boundaries I guess when it comes to stuff like that. But I haven't really like told her. It's just, I guess something that I don't really talk about besides to, I guess my significant other. I just explained to him that, you know, I have a hard time trusting other women who potentially could be like, I guess a good influence or a good, a good person to be there for me. I just have a really hard time doing it. So I think that she just understands that and just kind of is pretty good about giving me my space and not trying to, you know, overstep boundaries, which I know that some mother-in-law's definitely do.
Kat: 38:02 Oh yeah. If I need you liked out there? Yeah. Oh Gosh. Yeah. I could go into a whole other episode about boundaries. Oh those are hard. They're hard just in life in general. And then you put grief on top of it and you're like, Oh God, this isn't going to be a really good or really, really bad. Yeah. Um, okay. That's, that makes me feel better cause I can totally attest to that though. Like not really trusting other women because I'll look back on it now and I'm like, you know,
Sharnelle: 38:34 okay.
Kat: 38:34 I don't have any
Speaker 6: 38:36 women in my life that are like a role model. I mean I have my mom's best friend, but they've been best friends since she was 21 so like that just kind of expected. But especially in my family, like in my immediate family, no, you know, it's interesting. I'd have to like really think about like why that is the case for so many women that have lost a mom. I mean I'm sure it's different for everybody, but when you really like look in, not look into it, when you, I guess when you're really like dissected, it's like it all kind of comes from the same thing, like a k losing your mom. So yeah, it's just interesting. But I'm glad that you at least were able to have that, you know, relationship with your grandma. But do you find yourself like, you know, since you at least don't really have that woman in your life that sounds really bad, but since you don't have like, you know, a motherly figure in your life, do you find yourself like kind of keeping in your grief or do you just tell other people that aren't woman? Um,
Sharnelle: 39:51 yeah, I guess I mostly just kind of rely on my significant other a lot more now. Um, I just try to communicate like a lot with him about how I'm feeling and
Speaker 6: 40:08 um,
Sharnelle: 40:08 it really just kind of, I don't know, it's almost like when my grandma passed away that I was mourning the loss of a mother again because like, even to this day, like my heart just aches because I miss her and I know exactly how my dad feels and it aches because I feel for my dad and my uncle because they had to lose their mom and I just feel like all of this stuff coming up again because of this loss and I just am trying to not let it take over. But it's like if I suppress it, then it comes out in other ways like anxiety when for example, like just talking about my family here on this, I'm all of a sudden in my mind I'm thinking like, oh my God, are they going to get mad at me when they listen to this? Like are they, maybe they didn't know that this is how I felt or, um, I just am like anxious thinking that everybody's going to take it personally and I just always have to tell myself that I'm allowed to feel this way and it'll all be okay.
Sharnelle: 41:32 But at the same time, it feels like the only person that I can really confide in is my significant other. Like I have a best friend, but you know, she has her own life now. She has boyfriend and she, we don't, we're not exactly the best at communicating. I guess. We don't really hang out. And I feel like again, I trusted her and she isn't necessarily there when I would like her to be, you know? Yeah, no, that definitely makes sense. Sorry, I'll let you finish. I guess maybe I put too much pressure on her because of not having a mother figure. Maybe I was projecting it on her, like I'm, I'm not really sure. And I guess now I'm just kind of realizing that that's maybe why I had such high expectations out of our relationship.
Kat: 42:33 Oh yeah. And it's literally like most of the time I noticed it's so unintentional. You're like, oh, like I didn't mean to like put you on a pedestal or you know, I didn't mean to expect this much out of you, but it's just kind of second nature, you know? It's kind of part of life. But Wow, I'm so glad that you have like a good relationship obviously from what you tell me with your significant other because that is so important. And like when you were saying communicating that I'm literally helping somebody. Like right now one of my clients, she's like, I need help communicating my feelings to my significant other. And I mean communication is key, but especially when you're grieving and it's so hard because you don't know how to communicate your feelings cause you're like, how the heck am I feeling? But it's like, okay, you need to communicate that.
Kat: 43:19 You don't know how you're feeling because people don't get that. It's hard. But that's so funny and I think it really just goes to show too, like the importance of creating space for people where they can talk about their grief and you are absolutely 100% allowed to, I think you said like I'm allowed to feel this way or I'm allowed to think about myself. Is that what you said? Yeah, I just said that I'm allowed to feel like my feelings. Yes, you are 100% allowed to feel your feelings. Like that's honest to God. The only way that you weren't going to grieve and the only way that you are going to like get through this nonsense. Um, 100% without a doubt. So that's like where space comes into play. It's like you have the space for people where they are allowed to grieve because if they don't, if they bottle it up like you might not like you might think it's okay, but eventually it'll literally come back to bite you in the ass and you are going to hit your breaking point. And it's so sad. But that's why it's so like, yeah. I'm just, I'm glad that you realized that at least from what you know, what you're telling me. Um, yeah. Is there anything else that you want to leave with the listeners about? I guess coping with, you know, not having your mom. Oh, I take that back. Wow, this is going to be fun editing. Um, what advice would you have to someone who is really struggling with the concept of not having their mom to share life with?
Sharnelle: 45:00 I guess it's okay to feel the way you feel and to reach out to others. Like I guess for me, I just projected it more on my friends and my grandma as, and then at times myself too. But it didn't end well for me just suppressing it. Like I ended up wanting to end my life and things like this. But in reality if you just can find somebody, even if it's your significant other or somebody just to listen for you to be able to kind of work things out and just communicate with, talk to it does get easier and as long as you have boundaries, you can have relationships with other people too. Like your mother in laws or your father and odds or even your dad. Like I have a pretty open relationship with my dad and I had to have a pretty open relationship with him since I was 15 and you know, going through my um, body changing phase that I had to Oh yeah, my dad four. So if you are, I don't know, just find somebody that you can talk to and don't keep it to yourself cause it just bites you in the
Kat: 46:31 Yup. Okay. I was so glad. I believe that's not hammered into somebody's head after this episode. They'll just keep listening to it, keep listening to it because it literally just cannot say it enough. It's so, so, so important. Well. Thank you so much for being on the show. This was so much fun.
Sharnelle: 46:48 Yeah. Great. Thanks for having me.
Voiceover: 46:51 Hey friend, I hope you enjoyed this episode. Before you go, I have four favors to ask you. First, I wanted to let you know that I host a group for women where we share our day to day stories, challenges, and victories. If you want to come along for the ride, head to Facebook and search for the life after losing mom community. Second, if you don't mind leaving me a review and telling me how I've helped you in your grief journey, I would greatly appreciate it. Third, had to cap on our.com forward slash podcast to access previous episodes and subscribe for episodes in the future. Finally had to cap on our.com to schedule complimentary connection call with me. I'd love to know more about your grief journey. Always remember that despite losing our mothers, we have a flourishing futures
Speaker 7: 47:43 [inaudible].
Voiceover: 47:43 This has been an OutsourceYourPodcast.com production.

Welcome to Life After Losing Mom With Kat Bonner. In this episode, we’re joined by Bella Norton. Bella lost her mom to what she thought was an accidental drug overdose when she was 16 years old, but it wasn’t until six months later when she came to grips with the fact that it was actually a suicide, that her grieving process truly began. Bella opens up about her struggle to find value after her mom passed away and how she’s learned to manage those feelings and find ways to move forward in her life.

What To Listen For

• Bella’s experience with coming to grips with the fact that her mom meant to overdose.
• How Bella struggled with anger towards her mom for taking her own life.
• Bella’s realization that even though it’s been nine years since her mother passed away, she still needs help managing her grief.
• How Bella is overcoming the feeling of not thinking she’s strong enough.
• How grief can make it hard to connect with other women and what to do about it.
• Bella’s experience of finding a best friend that has similar experiences as her.
• How having a best friend can increase the value you place on yourself.
• Dealing with having a real depressive episode after the loss of your mom.
• Bella’s realization that therapy is a powerful tool for coping with loss and that it shouldn’t be put off.
• How Bella has learned to put herself first and value herself.
• Bella and Kat’s thoughts on mental illness and it’s role in their mother’s deaths.
• The importance of joining support groups of like-minded women.
• How other’s actions impact our lives.
• How to deal with feeling ashamed of other’s addictions.
• How friends can let you down in your time of really needing support.

Bella shares her story that everyone deserves to feel valued and loved and that grieving doesn’t need to equate to feeling less than. She’s found that connecting with real friends and support groups is key to managing her grief. Bella’s belief is that you are worth everything in this world. Your mom would not want you to look at yourself as a burden. Your mom would not want you to look at yourself like you're unworthy because you are. She brought you into this world and she loved you.

Resources From This Episode:

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Transcript
In 2013 Kat Bonner lost her mom in a tragic car accident. She figured out how to manage her grief and is helping other women do the same. On this podcast, you'll hear from other women who have lost their moms and discover the exact coping strategies you need to get through the day and be in the best place you've ever been. Don't miss another episode. Subscribe today. More information can be found KatBonner.com/podcast and if you'd like to join a group of like-minded women head to Facebook and search for the Life After Losing Mom community. Lastly, if you're looking for help managing your grief book a complimentary connection call at KatBonner.com.

So before we get started with the episode, I just want to share something with you. I'm sure you've heard multiple times that grief is an individual process. Well, the people you heard this from aren't wrong because it very much so is you're probably wondering how can someone help me when they grieve differently than I do? That's why I'm so passionate about one on one coaching that is totally customized to you and your pain points. I let you guide me two ways. I can help you. I can, I'll, I take on three clients at a time. So the spots are limited. I'd love for you to tell me how I can help you in your grief journey.

[inaudible]

welcome to the show, Bella.

Thank you. I'm excited to be here.

Um, so I just like to start off every episode with each woman sharing what they want to about the loss of their mom.

Okay. Um, so, um, well I'll start a little bit before the loss of my mom because it kind of all builds up, uh, to losing her. Um, so I basically knew that a, a pretty young age that, you know, my mom had issues, um, you know, some, some mental illnesses and um, she also struggled with an alcohol addiction off and on and opiate addiction off and on. Um, so from the age of probably, you know, five or six, I, I was kind of treated as an adult. Um, and knowing everything that was going on with her. Um, I remember going to, you know, the hospital multiple times, a young age, seeing her on holidays, you know, and she had attempted suicide at that point. Um, so, you know, all of my life I was, you know, Kinda treated as a parent of my own parents.

Um, so leading up to it, you know, I, uh, she could be completely normal at times. She could be, you know, my best friend at times we'd have fun together. We sang, we danced, we did a lot of things together. Um, she really in me, um, and, and basically, you know, gave me my sense of self worth. Um, so even knowing all the issues she had, I still believed her. You know, when she told me like, you're, you're worth it. You know, you're smart, you're talented, you're pretty. Um, but you know, when I was 16 years old, things kind of started really going downhill with her. Um, I would come home from school some days and she would just be locked in her bedroom. Other days I'd come home and, you know, she'd be outside grilling hotdogs on the grill, wanting to hang out and have fun.

Um, but it was about a week after spring break. Um, I came home, uh, I was getting ready to go hang out with my boyfriend at the time. Um, and I was getting ready, not care in the world. You know, I was 16 years old. I was, I was going to go have some fun. Um, and my younger brother, who is 13, about to be 14, um, at the time, uh, came to me while I was getting ready and said, I think something's wrong with mom. Um, so I went in and I checked on her, um, and she was laying on her bed, completely incapacitated. Um, and at this point I was like, well, she took too many pills. She'll be fine. I, you know, I'd seen it happen before and I didn't really think anything of it. Um, so I, I told my brother, it would be fine, just, just give a little bit of time.

So maybe 15, 20 minutes later he comes back in, he's super upset. Um, and he says to me, there's something really wrong. Um, so I went back to her brain and at this point, um, it was, it was pretty evident that something was very wrong. Um, you know, so I called nine one one, they got on the phone, they were like, can anybody do CPR? And at the time I was, I was freaking out. Um, and so my brother did it. Um, it, it, it did not work. Um, they, they got her out, they got a pulse back in the ambulance. Um, and, uh, the next morning I didn't get to the hospital because I, you know, I, I, I really didn't want to see you that way. Um, then I stayed with some relatives in a hotel that night that it came out from my dad's side of the family.

Um, and in the morning I called my Nana. That was my mom's mom. Um, and I asked what was going on and they said they had taken her off life support at about one 30 that morning, um, and thought it wouldn't be long. So, uh, I asked my Nana if she could put the phone up to my mom so I could tell her goodbye. Um, and I said, I love you mom. And then about 10 seconds later I heard it flat line. Um, so part of me was like, you know, she waited for me to say goodbye and the other part of me was just completely destroyed. Um, and so for about six months, everyone told me that it was an accidental overdose. Um, we'll come to find out. One day I was with my Nana and she said, you know, do you think your mom meant to do that? And I was like, in my heart, I know she did. Um, and she said, well, you're right and you have a letter. Um, say, you know, I got my letter from my Stepdad at the time. And, um, it, it was like starting the grieving process all over again because I had convinced myself she didn't mean to do it. Um, but she did. Um, and in her letter she made that very clear. Um, so that's, you know, a little bit about, you know, what happened and how it happened. Uh, yeah. It's, uh, it's been tough.

Bless your heart. Well, thank you for sharing. Um, yeah, it's so funny that you mentioned not like funny, but like ha ha, ironic, funny. Yeah. Ah, yeah. You're actually the first guest that I've had on the show whose mom died of like an overdose. Like it's been like, you know, just natural causes or like cancer, something that, which those still suck. Um, yeah, but it's interesting cause I think society in general just does not take addiction seriously and they don't think that it is a disease. And it very much so is, uh, my mom was an alcoholic, so I mean, essentially addiction led to, you know, our mom's demise. Um, but it's so interesting too, and it's hard. At least it was for me in my ad. I'm assuming, you know, it would be for you too. It's like, you know, you can't blame them for getting addicted, but it's like their actions and their decisions led to their addiction. So it's like, okay, you're caught between a rock and a hard place. Am I just speaking out loud or different the same way?

Oh, I definitely feel the same way in too. You know, my mom's dad committed suicide when she was seven years old. So for me it was like, you knew how this would affect me or might affect me and my brother and you know, you still took those steps to do the same thing. Um, which has been very hard for me to get over because it's, you know, it's something that I'd like to say now, you know, I don't have kids, but if I did that, I would never do that to them. And there's been a lot of anger, you know, but I at the same time, it's like I understand as I get older and her struggles, her addiction, you know, her mental illness, she, she cannot help that. So

No. Yeah, that definitely, yeah. I definitely can understand where you're coming from. I guess the way that I'm like thinking of it is like, okay, you know, my mom didn't think that in me and my brother were worthy enough to like basically be a parent too. So she decided to enter role as basically being a parent once again. Am I crazy or that thought ever run through your mind?

Oh, it runs through my mind all the time. Um, you know, because we, we depended on her, you know, we had, we had that mother daughter relationship, but at the same time it was so much more than that. You know, I, I, I felt like, you know, why couldn't you talk to me? Why couldn't you tell me this is how you were feeling? And then I look back and you know, she did just without the words and I was so young that it's, you know, as I've grown up and grown older, I realized I can't lie myself. And at the same time, you know, as much as I, I don't want to blame her, that was hard decision and you know, that was her decisions that led her there. Um, and so, you know, at first and you know, it's been a little over nine years now and it's taken me this long to figure out, you know, I need help coping with this. Um, you know, it really did make me feel like I was not worthy of love from anybody. You know, if your own mother can make a decision to leave your life permanently, then why, why am I deserving of any type of love?

Yeah. It's, yeah, that's definitely a big thing I noticed that comes with grief. The first word that's going through my mind right now is blame. And I'm so glad that you mentioned that because I feel like, like when you know, you experienced a loss, this tragic and just grieving in general, the first thing you want to do is blame somebody. And it's like, okay, like you either blame the person that you've lost or you blame yourself and then, and I'll actuality, it's like, okay, like playing the blame game does what I'm once, he probably does nothing, but it's like almost second nature. At least for me, it was in the beginning stages and then it's like, okay, like I'm a firm believer in like actions speak louder than words. So yeah. Like, you know, your mom loved you, but her action by taking her own life, like basically it's like, you know, you're not my mom anymore. Like you're not here to physically be my mom. So that actions spoke louder than any word that

exactly.

You know. And I think people don't really realize how their actions are going to affect other people and it sucks.

Yup. I, so in, in her letter to me, you know, she, she read it the day before. She actually, um, you know, made the decision. I mean, she had made the decision there, but she read it the day before she actually committed suicide, um, on Anna, she said, don't let this destroy you. And it's like, what else is supposed to do? You know, like this isn't something that's, that's, this isn't a good thing. This isn't anything that's beneficial to me. Um, I needed you and no matter what state of mind you're, I needed you. Um, so it, it was, it was very confusing for me for a very long time and still is honestly, because, you know, as a parent, that is your job is to be there for your children. And um, you know, she wasn't and she's not. Um, so yeah, that's been very difficult for me, you know, overcoming that feeling of like, okay, you think I'm strong enough for something like this to not destroy me.

It's like I'm strong, but that's not the point. It's not if you loved me enough, this one happened. So why, you know, and it sucks too. Cause it's like, you know, once again we're quick to say that we weren't in her shoes, but at the end of the day that's not like, and I'm not just, I don't have experience of suicide so I can't say that. But like I'm a firm believer in suicide's not the answer. Like, and I know how addiction works. I know that like they don't think they have a problem. But addiction in itself is almost like, and this is, forgive me if this is like wrong, but like say for instance for like, you know, my mom was an alcoholic, she was drinking and driving, which led to her dying in a car accident. But like, and I'm not saying it's suicidal because she wasn't consciously like making the decision to wreck the car, but in a way I think that addiction almost manipulates your brain to think that way. Like, eventually addiction is going to take your own life.

Oh yeah. No matter if you mean to or not. You know, addiction is an, and there's such a stigma with it, that and suicide that it is not talked about in a very, in a very beneficial way to anybody. Um, just people are ashamed of that and then those left behind, you're ashamed of, of that as well. So it's just one of those things that you, you're never really going to get a handle on it if there is such a bad stigma with it, you know, it's

the only way to get rid of the stigma unfortunately. They'll talk about it. Yeah. And then a lot of times those people don't want to do that. Yeah. Which I mean, that's fine I guess to each their own. But yeah. I how did you, like, did you feel like, you know, your value was effected a lot more in like your relationships, like your friends, like other women because your mom was a woman or was it just in general? I'm kind of curious about that.

So, you know, growing up I was a super happy go lucky kid. I have a lots of friends. Um, but once that happened and I wrote my, my best friend at the time, we, um, she was the one that I call my auntie. Um, and, and we ended up having a falling out and that really, really hurt me. And I don't know if it was me or if it was her, but it was best of. But since then I found it extremely hard to connect to other women, especially, um, you know, and I, I didn't really feel like anybody who likes me because I felt like I had this, this stamp on my forehead that said I'm damaged, you know,

God precheck girl.

Yeah. And it was just really hard to make friends or to open up to people. And then two in my relationships, you know, with men, um, at first after app, and I was, ah, that was where I wanted to find my value. And looking back now, it definitely was not the answer. Uh, but that was why I place my value was like, you know, if these men want me, then that makes me lovable. Um, and it definitely wasn't healthy at the time, you know, at all. For me tried to cope with that, but it was, it was the only thing I needed.

Oh yeah. I mean the American dream, right? Everybody's like, okay, like let me just turn to a significant other or somebody that I'm attracted to and try to use them to fill that void. Um, and it's like, even to like, even if you're the first one of your friend group that has like lost a mom, I feel like once you find, you know, other women that have lost a mom, you find other, other women pretty quickly, like you learn pretty quickly after, you know, the first one, hey, like I'm not alone, but like, yeah. And this is why I say I can't help men because I'm a firm believer that I literally can't, um, in the sense that like obviously obviously their brains are completely hard wired different than theirs are. But I noticed like, cause I was 18 so we were very similar ages when we lost her.

Mom's like, you know, the teenage, I guess adolescent years don't even know what they were described as. Um, but yeah, like going up and like growing through college and like, oh, like you don't want to date a girl who's lost her mom. Like, I'm going, I guess that's a whole other like topic. But yeah, like we're hell at, first of all, we're hell are worthy of being valued. So anybody who doesn't value you can fuck off because they're idiots and agreed 100%. It's like, okay, yeah, you know that now. But like, you know, you wish you would've known that x amount of years later and it would've made, you know, the last nine years, not hellish.

Yeah. But yeah.

You know, that's how grief works. It's like, but the time when you reach that like pivotal moment, you're like, well, I guess better late than never.

Yeah. Can't turn back time. You know, it's, uh, it's definitely been a journey for me. Um, and, and you know, like you said, about finding other women and, you know, once you find one that, you know, has lost their mom, and for me, you know, I went without having what some would call a best friend. I always said I had acquaintances, I didn't have friends. Um, I met my best friend, her name's Chloe. She's awesome. Um, she lost her mom at 16 as well, um, to an opiate overdose. Um, so once I met her and we establish that connection, there was no going back, you know, and just having her there for me has made a huge difference in how I value myself and you know, my self worth because I, you know, you know that you're not alone and then other people have felt what you're feeling.

Yeah. I was literally about to ask like, how you kind of got over that Hump and like realized, you know, I am worthy and I was like, as I talk to more people, I feel like some like things in grief are very much so, like you have an epiphany and you're like, oh my God, this is how I'm going to heal from this specific struggle. And then other times it's a lot more gradual over time. And then you realize years later that you made, appealed like a long time ago. Does that make sense?

Yeah, it does. You know, um, for me it was for so long, I just, I thought there was something wrong with me and so I just ignored all of the feelings that are so I just pushed him aside and was like, you just gotta get through your day. Just go to work, you know, go to sleep, do it all again tomorrow. There's, you know, you just gotta do what you gotta do. Um, and until I actually was probably when I met her, you know, about two and a half years ago now that it, things really started looking up for me cause I did not feel so alone. You know, I felt like this person has been through something so similar as me and she's lovable, you know, she's worthy. The why, why would I feel like I'm not?

Yeah, it's so interesting. Obviously the whole like process of grief honestly fascinates me. But it's so like weird how your like just feeling comforted, not like by somebody actually comforting you, but like literally having a woman in her life that has lost her mom. I'm like, not just like via like social media. Like, that's great, but like, actually physically having that person in your life, you're like, Holy Shit. Like, you know, like, yeah, you get through this together. And it just is literally like, yeah. And sometimes people get that I think too late. And it's also important to define somebody who's open about it because other people like, you know, I know women who've lost a mom and they don't ever talk about it. And that wasn't really helpful for me. Like I know it's going to sound really selfish, but I mean, if it takes two people to tango, you know, like, yeah. Is your friend like that? Like, can you attest to that or?

Oh, definitely. I mean, you know, for, I've always been a very open person in general. I'm super and yeah, I let myself feel the things now that I'm feeling in the moment. Um, but for awhile it was something that I just ignored, you know, I, it, and I'm really didn't meet anybody who had been through what I'd been through, um, for a very long time. So I really did feel like, you know, you just don't talk about it. It makes people uncomfortable, but at the same time, you know, who cares if you make people uncomfortable because we're the only one that are living in our, our reality in our life. And you know, you've gotta do what you need to do for yourself to heal. So

lol. I literally love you. I have some, I have some were the only ones, I think I was in high school still. I lost my mom. So like two months for a graduate of high school. Um, so most of the people like basically, you know, acts like they're there for you and then they're not. And I remember this one girl, we were really best friend throughout high school and then we like stopped talking and she told me one day she was like, you know, be around you when you get really sad or really emotional. Makes me uncomfortable. And I'm like, you gotta be my bro. Oh my God. Like I literally don't have anything to say to that. And I think now she probably realize, hey, I kinda fucked up. Well yeah, no shit you fucked up. But like, I just, and I know like, but you were just bringing that up and you were like making people uncomfortable that like, you've been through a lot. And I'm like, you know what, think about how uncomfortable I am.

Exactly.

Like you think this is hard for you. You think it's hard for you? Oh Huh. Let's back up. Yeah, I could go on a tangent. All hold it. That's so funny. Um, so were there like, you know, once you got to the realization, hey, like I am valued like by myself and by other people. Were there any huge changes that like you saw in your life or anything that was like more positive and different?

So, yes. Um, for awhile, you know, I, I was an athlete. I was, I love to write poetry, I love to sing. And then, you know, once, once mom passed, it was just like, all of those things just slowly, I just stopped. I stopped. Um, and because I felt like I wasn't good at it, I felt like no one wanted to hear me saying no one wanted to read my poetry, you know, blah, blah, blah. But it took, honestly, I want to be real up front and honest here. I had a mental, like a complete mental breakdown, depressive episode type of thing a few months ago. Um, and it really took that to get me to realize, you know, you got to help yourself. Um, and, and the best thing for me has been therapy. Um, it's something that I put off for far too long. You know, I did it here and there after mom passed that I was just, I wasn't, I wasn't ready I guess at that point.

Um, I wasn't ready to be unapologetically honest with myself and especially with anybody else. Um, until that happened to me. And my boyfriend actually was like, Bella, I love you. I want to be with you, but I'm worried about you and you have got to do something. Um, so that, that point, you know, the next day I started calling people, I started calling psychologists. I started, you know, really digging deep into myself and saying things have got change. Um, and so now, you know, I've started, I've started working out, which is something I did not do for years upon years upon years. Um, and it feels right, like just getting, getting myself going, getting myself moving again. It's, it's such a sense of accomplishment, you know, after I run my mile and after I, you know, drop my mile time and have, it's, it's awesome. Um, I'm still working on, you know, the writing part, um, just little post on Facebook here and there, just getting things off of my chest and you know, out of my mind and it feels great to just be open.

Um, and one of the things I've always wanted to do is I've always been a person who goes out of my way for people who probably don't deserve it. And I think a lot of that comes from what I went through with my mom. You know, I, I want to help people and sometimes people that don't deserve it, but you know, so for me, being able to tell my story and be open to be honest about it has been one of the best healing, you know, processes for me. Um, and it may not be like that for everybody, but, um, I'm no longer ashamed of what I went through. I'm no longer ashamed of the choices that I made, you know, a few years ago and even up until recently that weren't necessarily good. But it's, it's to be talked about, it's gotta be, it's gotta be out there because someone needs to hear it. So

yeah, no, you're absolutely right. And I definitely think that everybody needs to talk about it. Everybody needs to share their story. It might not, it might take some people longer to realize that than others. But honest to God, the only way that you are going to heal is like sharing your story. And this sounds really crazy, but you know, I posted and like some of the Facebook groups like, hey, if anyone wants to share their story on a podcast, let me know. And I literally had, um, it was uh, another group that I'm in, I like posted the same thing and somebody commented back, they were like, why would we want to talk about all the shit that we've been through? And it just broke my heart to realize that like there are women out there who think that sharing their story will help other people, but they're so wrong because it will.

Yeah. And I think that's why like creating space is so important. Like, I mean, yeah, people can share their stories on the Facebook groups, which is great. Like I'm not discouraging that at all. But there's something about like saying it like even if you say it out loud to the wall, even if you tell your fricking cat like whatever, there's literally something, and I can't describe it, but like actually like physically sharing your story out loud rather than typing it on paper. It's like, and then you find that one person and they're like, wow, you telling me your story changed my life? Like when you get that, like it makes all the shit that you've been through worth it because yeah, you know, it's like, you know, you can make a difference in one person's life. Like they literally might not ever have. And that's what I said, like to the reply, I was like, you know, like I provide this like space where people can share their story and help other people.

Like think about it, this group has 400 members, which is like a great amount, but think about how many people or how many women there are out there in this world who could be listening to this podcast or who could be literally looking for something specific that might not be in that Facebook group. You know? Exactly like you sharing your story in the Facebook group, it's not a problem. But like when you have a platform that can reach millions and millions of people, it's like, oh, Mike, I, and I didn't know. Like, I knew I was not alone, but when I started this, everyone's like, oh, like your niche is too specific, like Lumen, you've lost a mom. Like I did not realize because I was debating between women who've just lost a mom and women that have lost a parent because that's still, I do think, you know that I can also help women that have lost a parent. But I was like, that's just where my heart is. It's just women losing a mom because I can 100% attest to that. But I was like, Holy Shit, there's a lot of people out there that have lost a mom. Like

so many people.

It's crazy. It's literally crazy. Like I don't know how to wrap my mind about it. And when you hear so many like stories from other people, like I hear your story and I'm like, oh my God. Like I'm automatically like, I love you. Like I just want to hug you. Like you're my sister. You know? And I know that sounds super cheesy and Cliche, but like do you, once again, I'm asking you, Hey, do you feel that way? But yeah, like what are your thoughts?

I do feel that way. I mean, like I said before, when you're going through something and you feel so alone, you're really just looking for someone to understand you. And it's really hard when you feel like nobody does. Nobody can. And, and so, you know, I'm in a lot of support groups on Facebook, whether it be mother was daughters, whether it be, you know, survivors, suicide loss, you know, and in a lot of those groups, and I read these people's stories and they feel the same way that we do. You know, they just want to, to have someone understand them, they want companionship. They just, they want to know that they're not alone. And the only way that people are going to know that they're not alone, as if people talk about those things. If, if people reach out, if you know, it's, it's a hard thing to talk about.

Of course. You don't just want to be like, hey, I lost my mom. You know, let's talk about it. But when you, when you feel like you're in a sisterhood of women that have gone through the same thing, because losing a mother, especially at a younger age and at a pivotal age, you know, like, like we were, that you just feel so lost. You feel, you feel like, you know, no one's gonna understand you because you have all these complex feelings. Um, and you can't just let that sit in your brain. You can't just let it eat you up alive or outs. You know, you're, you're not going to be the person that you're supposed to be.

Yeah, I know. You're very right. I mean, if you think about that, like average person, like I know people who are my age who has every set of grandparents still alive, and I'm like, holy bowls, like holy shit, that like literally completely blows my mind. So, and it's, I mean, I'm not saying I love to talk about death, but like death is a part of life. And I think too, like when you realize that, um, you know, you find these group of people, like I never really understood, I guess the importance of like the support groups because I realized very quickly like I found those people in my life that I could relate to. Um, so I was like, oh, like why don't these people just, you know, go talk to someone they can relate to. But I guess it's like, it's always, once you think about it, it's always nice to have different opinions, which is why you have all these people. Like I noticed a lot of times when I needed something, I would go to the same person and that wasn't bad. But now looking back on it, it's like, wow, I wish I had gone to like other women that also lost their mom. So I could have talked to them about how they handled this rather than, I mean, any guidance is better than none, I guess.

Yeah. Yeah. But it's always good to have, you know, you want to see other people's stories because people deal with things so differently. You know, like my brother for instance, you know, he was super close to my mom and he's, I look up to him even though he's my younger brother, you know, I didn't go to college. My mom pushed college on me and after she passed I was like, I can't go to college, you know? But my brother, he is college to college. He's gonna graduate in December. He's so and so just resilient, you know? But he will not open up to anybody and it breaks my heart, you know, it breaks my heart because I wonder, what is this poor kid going through? What is he feeling? You know, I just,

okay,

we're total opposites. You know,

it's a man. Yeah. He is a man. He is different from the others. It was the same way. Like I found out from my mom's sister, she was like, oh yeah, like, did you know your brother went to therapy? I guess he went to therapy like once. But I think men get very, very angry or they just suppress their grief. And here I am, you know, making assumptions. But just from what I know about men, I'm like, okay, I can't, I mean, I can help people who, you know, suppress grief, but I think women are also just a little bit more like realistic and like rational sometimes. And men are just like, no, I'm not talking about it at all. And I'm like, all right dude, if you're not going to talk about it, like I throw my hands up like,

yeah. Like there's nothing more I can do. Like, do you let me know when you're ready?

Stop. Sorry, my dogs pissed me off. Um, yeah, no, that's exactly why. Like, and I'm not saying Oh, men are like that, but yeah, that's a whole new, I think that's why I struggled so much with like finding like men in my life who could date someone without a mom because they're like, what the heck? And that's, you know, a whole topic for another day. But it's just like the world needs to break the stigma. Like the world needs to talk about death and it needs to talk about grief because how is it ever going to get better? Like literally people like this sounds bad, but people die from losing people. Like because they don't ask about it and they're like, oh my God, this person died. My life is over. And I'm like, well hopes because you acted like death didn't exist. Like it's just, it's honestly really crazy.

It blows my mind and I think about it too. Like, I dunno, I just, and I try not to make assumptions, but I noticed a lot of times on the, I don't know, maybe there's just so many things that you know you need to find in yourself. Because at the end of the day, you are your biggest ally. You only have yourself like you. So like when you realize, hey, I am worth it. Like I am worth this. And then like, you're like, you know, I need to get my shit together. I need to put myself first, I need to focus on myself. And it pissed me off. And people were like, oh, you're being selfish. I'm like, first of all, you can go out whatever you want, but all you have is yourself, so fucking take care of yourself for God's sakes. That's not bad. It's, yeah,

it took me a long to realize that, you know,

from, you know, all the issues my mom had it. I had to think about her. You know, I wasn't thinking about myself. I was, I was thinking everything I did was to please her. Everything I did was to get her approval. Everything I did was to take care of her. So it was a struggle for me to feel like, Hey, I deserve to be taken care of. You know, I deserve, I deserve to be happy. I deserve to look out for myself. I deserve to do the things that I want to do. Because like you said, like this is my, and I deserve to be a little selfish sometimes because when it comes down to it, as you said, all you've got is yourself. You know, you can have relationships with people, but that's, that's not guaranteed. You know, they can leave you at any moment, but you're always, you're always going to be when yourself passing the care of yourself.

You're never going to leave yourself. And I think like once like it takes a really long time to reach that point and like not just in grief but in life in general. And then your third grief on top of it and you're like, oh well there's a double whammy. But yeah, once you reach that point in your grief, like literally that is the game changer. Like I deserve to be happy. And I always say in life everything is a decision. So it's like, okay like you are worthy. So you choose to make decisions that make you feel worthy. Like you know, like you, if you want to be happy then you need to choose to make decisions that will lead to your happiness. And then eventually it just becomes part of your lifestyle. And you don't have to like choose anymore. Don't get me wrong, you know, you'll have your days. But I think that's where like self reflection and just like consciousness comes in, you know? And it's not easy. People don't want to think about it. But did like, did that happen for you?

You know, um, like I said, it, it took like a literal mental breakdown after just holding everything in for me to say, you know what? Like, I have to stop being ashamed of these feelings, that spiel. I've stopped being ashamed of decisions I've made. I have to stop being ashamed of how I feel about myself. You know, I used to, I used to love myself and when mom left me, it just puts, it made me question everything. Um, um, and so, you know, I, um, I was recently diagnosed bipolar and this came after, you know, my mental breakdown. Um, and I was super ashamed of that because my mom was bipolar and the last thing I wanted in my life, it was to hear, hey, so are you. Um, but I'm so, so, so proud of myself for finally putting my needs first and saying, you know what? I do have these issues and I do need to take care of it if I want to live reply that you know, I deserve and everyone deserves happiness. And it's hard when you go through something like we've been through to, to value yourself when you know, you feel like your own mom didn't even value you to a degree. Um, so yeah, it's definitely,

it's, yeah, it's a very tricky thing to manage and to understand. Then there's some things, you know, you just won't understand, but like, especially after this conversation, if there's one thing I realize like don't be ashamed of anything like it. Like you're enough, like you are more than enough. Like there's no, you know, and I think it's just because society is so quick to give grief negative stigmas. But like one of my friends told me a quote once a grief is the price that we pay for love. And when I think about it, it is so true. It's like, you know, like yeah, like you would rather have your mom, but like you loved your mom so much for cardless of any decision anybody makes. And I think too, like literally any decision, I say any decision that I made like four years of being in college at losing my mom just completely ignore them because they were probably the worst decisions I've ever made in my life.

Girl, yes, I feel you on that.

But yeah, people are just so, some people don't care, you know that which you know is fine. But yeah, like you know, you loved your mom so much that you are grieving her and not very many people in the world get to say that. And that's something, that's something to be proud of. Like fuck yeah, me and my mom had this good a relationship. Like it hurts so much when she's gone, but it's like I have the best mom ever. You know, like

yeah. Even with all her issues, I felt that way, you know, it was like, you know her dark side. Yeah.

I mean this literally like I'm going to love you through it, like through thick and thin no matter what. Because actions and decisions don't make people, the people that they are, you need to look like you know their heart. And that's what's important. Um, so I think that's a really great place to close. Um, Lynn and on a happy note, right? I always try to do that. Um, is there anything else that you want to leave the listeners about your stories just about grief or mother loss in general?

Um, you know, it feels like a downward spiral. It feels like you're just, I use this analogy a lot and I've used it a lot of times when I just steal, completely lost his, I feel alive. I am, I'm drowning and I'm in the ocean and there are boats going by and people are just looking at me wondering what is she doing? And no one will throw me a lifesaver. But at the end of the day, you're the only one that you can depend on to save yourself. You are literally the only one and you are worth it. You are worth everything in this world. Um, and it may feel like you're not after, you know, losing someone so special to you, like your mother, but your mom would not, you know, anybody listening this Austin mom in any type of way. Um, you know, your mom would not want you to look at yourself like a burden. Your mom would not want you to look at yourself like you're unworthy because you are. She brought you into this world and she loved you. So remember that, you know, remember that.

Oh my God, I love that. Yep. Okay. I'm just going to let that sit and resonate already for a little bit. Um, yeah. Well, oh my God, I am so thankful for you in new your vulnerability. I know it's not easy to come up here and show your story, but it resonated with me and I know it's going to resonate with so many people. So I think you, yeah,

think me. It was awesome. I felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders even more.

Yes. That's what I love. People sharing their story and like, yes, you get to help people and you get to help yourself. Hey friend, I hope you enjoyed this episode. Before you go, I have four favors to ask you. First, I wanted to let you know that I host a group for women where we share our day to day stories, challenges, and victories. If you want to come along for the ride, head to Facebook and search for the life after losing mom community. Second, if you don't mind leaving me a review and telling me how I've helped you in your grief journey, I would greatly appreciate it. Third, had to cap on our.com forward slash podcast to access previous episodes and subscribe for episodes in the future. Finally had to cap on or.com to schedule a complimentary connection call with me. I'd love to know more about your grief journey. Always remember that despite losing our mothers, we have a flourishing futures

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