How To Heal Childhood Trauma And Set Boundaries With Abusive Family — With Author/Songwriter Wen Peetes

So many of the stories in this season were about people who reached a precipice in their life and felt like it was over because their life, as they knew it, was over. Like Wen Peetes from episode 2 when she confronted her Mom and Dad about sexual abuse and beating in her childhood—that was a point of no return for her. Just like it was for Kyra in episode 3 when she had a panic attack moments before telling her husband she was getting a divorce. Part 2 of my conversation with my wife, Carmen Riot Smith, is our answer to the question, what is it like on the other side of that precipice? And I'm happy to say, the other side has treated us pretty well. 

The conversation we've had with so many of you in messages has been really touching and we don't want it to end. So Carmen decided to start an email newsletter to continue the conversation with those of you who are grappling with what it means to leave the evangelical church and the hope and the grief that brings. You can find it at carmenriotsmith.com/newsletter. Unlike mass email newsletters this one will be intimate, and it's just for people coming out of the evangelical church.

CarmenRiotSmith.com

Carmen On Instagram

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Host:

 Elise Smith

In part 1, we talk about a little known fact that my wife, Carmen, proposed to a boy before she proposed to me, we talk about the coming out process and how people told us that gay people are child molesters after we told them we were in love, how family vacations were canceled because it was "dangerous" for Carmen's nieces and nephews to see us together, and how internalizing all of these messages led to one of the hardest moments of my life: holding Carmen while she sobbed on the bathroom floor saying, "I just want to die." For me, this is a love story. Not a love story where we live happily ever after, but a love story where we were happy from the beginning and we have learned to create space for our own happiness. I believe creating that space is one of the hardest and most important skills we can learn.

CarmenRiotSmith.com

Carmen On Instagram

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Host:

 Elise Smith

This is part 2 of my conversation with my wife, Carmen, and two of her sisters. We talk about how to leave the community you're family has been part of for 150 years, we talk about what it's like to support someone during a panic attack, and, for me, the most moving part of the conversation comes about halfway through when we talk with one sister and Carmen about how you actually heal a relationship after years of hardly speaking. This episode is about how to heal when you lose your community and how to rebuild a relationship that hit rock bottom.

Carmen Riot Smith

Kelsey Klopfenstein

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Host:

 Elise Smith

Today I'm chatting with my wife, Carmen, and 2 of her sisters. You'll remember one from two episodes ago when we talked about how she had to leave the church her family had been part of for 150 years because of her divorce. Today in part 1 of this conversation we're chatting about the experiences of growing up in that church. For this conversation, it's helpful to know a little background on the church; it's very similar to a Mennonite church in that the women wear head coverings, skirts, and they're not allowed to speak in the church service. We talk about how the same environment can affect each personality in dramatically different ways, and we talk about being taught to fear people outside of the church, then being hurt the most by your church family. Every single one of us cried during this conversation. I think some of the hardest parts of this conversation were about what it means to be a woman growing up in a conservative environment and how deep the shame runs about your career, your dreams, and even your own body.

Carmen Riot Smith

Kelsey Klopfenstein

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Host:

 Elise Smith

To master life you have to master quitting. Quitting is not a moral failure, it's a skill we have to practice. Every episode has one theme in common: quitting. In my first episode, Tricia Rose Burt quit her career and her marriage and moved to Ireland to be an artist. In my last episode, Kyra quit the church her family had been part of for 150 years and quit her emotionally abusive marriage. Quitting was the hardest and best thing that ever happened to them; to live the life they were called to live they had to quit their old life. There is no room for both. We want to have relationships where we feel safe and seen and we want to have jobs where we are challenged and inspired. That means we have to quit the relationships and the jobs that aren't working.

Quitting just means you didn't get it right the first time and you need to try again. Or it means the job that was great 5 years ago, you've now outgrown. So I'm going to share 5 myths about quitting, including an actual text I sent to set boundaries in a relationship, some of my favorite books about having tough conversations, some of my regrets from coming out as gay, and what I'd do differently.

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Host:

 Elise Smith

This is a conversation I never thought I would have. This is my sister-in-law. For 5 years we hardly spoke to each other, now we talk every week. The relationship was not just broken, but practically non-existent. Now she is one of our closest friends. So, of course we talk about what changed, but we start by talking about how she was a homeschooling mother of five before she realized she felt emotionally unsafe in her marriage. Not only did she divorce her husband but she also had to leave the church her family had been part of for 150 years because they wouldn't believe her or take her seriously. 

This story is really about how to protect ourselves when our church and our spouse are the ones hurting us the most, it's also about how to start life over after you thought you had it all figured out. I love talking with her because the steps that she took are so smart and practical that I wish I could have heard this podcast before I came out. She talks about audio recording conversations to prevent gaslighting, she talks about specific steps she took to grieve the life she thought she would have, and even hiding documents under her mattress while she was preparing to file for divorce. I think this is powerful because just a year ago she was still living with her husband and we talked only 72 hours after she got divorced. This conversation is raw and in real time.

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Host:

 Elise Smith

How To Heal Childhood Trauma And Set Boundaries With Abusive Family — With Author/Songwriter Wen Peetes

Wen Peetes is an empowerment coach, author, songwriter, and creator of Rebel For A Spell. Her life purpose is to help childhood trauma survivors heal, experience inner peace, and become empowered. She wrote and produced the album "Woman Empowered" under her moniker Wendy St. Kitts

Rebelforaspell.com

@rebelforaspell

Upcoming Book: Inner Child Healing 

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Host:

 Elise Smith

How To Quit Your Job, Divorce Your Husband, Cash Out Your Retirement Savings, And Move To Ireland In Two Weeks — With Moth Storyteller Tricia Rose Burt

Tricia Rose Burt is a multimedia artist, story consultant, and creative coach. Her stories are frequently broadcast on The Moth Radio Hour and podcast. She is part of The Moth’s corporate training arm, MothWorks, where she conducts storytelling workshops. Her one-woman show, How to Draw a Nekkid Man, was selected for the New York International Fringe Festival and NYC’s United Solo Theatre Festival.  

Triciaroseburt.com  

@triciaroseburt

Upcoming Podcast: No Time To Be Timid

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Host: Elise Smith

Looking back at some of the biggest decisions of my life, whether it was coming out as gay in a conservative midwestern town or dropping out of my ivy league master's program, I realized I was always obsessing over a single question: what will they think about me?

Welcome to How To Disappoint Your Mom! 

I'm talking to risk takers on how to give up on fitting in. The upcoming episodes will feature a Moth storyteller who finally felt free after quitting her lucrative job, divorcing her husband, cashing out her retirement savings, and moving to Ireland in the span of two weeks; a mom of five who had to leave the church her family had been part of for 150 years because she divorced her emotionally abusive husband; and an author/songwriter who shares the healing tactics she learned after being beaten by her mom and sexually assaulted by her dad. 

Here's what I've learned: the hardest hurts are close to home. 

What happens when we transition from making someone else proud to making ourselves proud?

Host: Elise Smith

Insta: @the.elisesmith