I learned how to swim ~Wednesday, February 17. When people know your weaknesses they will take advantage. He knew I was dizzy & we sent xmas cards (THE CHRISTMAS LETTER & need for photos) stating we're moving to CO.

I can't wait to get 100% well & then layer the process I used TO END (a) ptsd (b) suicide & (c) reverberating chronic pain leading to increase symptoms of (a) & (b). Based on DATA, the decision using what I learned at NWMH's cbt/dbt since they taught me the methodology so to please ignorance is too much like anxiety/sobriety's confusion & then explaining exactly how they think/believe when it suits them so u're right, "I'm stupid," but no, I don't think I'm sooooo smart (reTriggered the original insecure, inadequate & constant need of validation female who would always say, "I'm so stupid!" as she was banging cupboards & throwing trash cans) because the thought that popped up when I heard that was, "I'm not smart. I'm ethical."

When you don't know where you're supposed to be in the world, when asked the question, "what is she going to do about benefits & the baby?" THE BATTLE (they said something & then words popped up and the call-and-response*) was the question, "what do you want to be?"

For a long time, The Barenaked Ladies song, "Call & Answer" was on replay and when I started correcting it, eventually, IT* went away.

aka CHANGING NARRATIVES TO AVOID Qs. So, ask the Qs & understand their perspective to create a better future for everyone, not just some.

SmarterThanTrauma™
©SMART E MC

The purpose is to understand how these triggers connect, like a food web. After NWMH'S CBT/DBT's (unthoughtful & lazy facilitation) first & only step of "describe the trigger & use WISEMIND to make the best decision in the moment," the decision was to always confront knowing if you wait, more likely the person or people will not remember. While it's not always comfortable to confront, I assumed doctors, specialists, healthcare systems main objective is to give best care with Hippocratic Oath in mind, especially since they ask for feedback using surveys.

In order to get to a point to understand how to tackle the triggers, I suggest labeling the triggers as audio, visual, audio + visual and tactile (audio+visual+touch). Touch was never just alone in my experience, but is it the same for you if you're experiencing triggers.

Try to count how often if happens & if you have to break up a day into AM/PM or even hours, I found it typical to have multiples triggers/hour, increasing in frequency or intensity. There are other measurements that I'll be detailing further, but I am waiting until I can write notes 100% without any triggers/flashbacks that cannot be flicked away in an instance. Let me repeat. I will continue until I know every trigger that pops up can be flicked away with 100% certainty/effectiveness. Even one trigger can send me reeling, increase chronic pain symptoms & lose any progression since the body is pretty lizard-brain, primordial, "stupid" <---an audio trigger 2x (home & classroom) + a reversal being told, "you think you're so smart," during the worst of YEAR SIX.

What I can definitely report is if you can say their names, it makes it easier, but I will only use those names that you can write reviews on, receive a service or a product or can google review like a school (even though my review was removed in under 10m). Why fear stayed so present throughout the day. The words community are used often, but in reality, the internet makes it harder to forge a true one & with early tech knowledge (~2009), those strategies of designing websites without contact info, are simply bubblin' up.

In the end, I do not have to share this [now], but choose to follow through with this project for 2 reasons. Learning something new is what makes your life better since you can apply that knowledge to situations & share with only those you want to also have that success, but being a school teacher, I know the tidbits or toolkit we acquire after s.a./dv & other forms of trauma have special gravitas & I cannot keep it to self knowing it can help someone diminishes their suffering & speed their recovery. 

I do not have to continue progress monitoring & alert anyone who acted in ways to bury the events of a public school 2012-2015 & healthcare systems NWMH beginning 2015 & Aurora Advocate beginning 2021 or 2022. I am not certain about those dates, but able to check my notes both in ability to read, stay organized (hold the through if out-of-sight, out-of-mine & not flashback). There is no suicide presently with the last bout a few days that was dealt with by posting on X ~30 (they fill all spaces & require photos & videos) & practicing reading daily in short snippets & responding with 1-4 words on X. there has not been a 80% reduction in reverberating pain since mid-January creating a greatly diminished sense of constant fear & nerve pain in fingertips, left hip (sitting at desk or to watch TV), right shoulder (typing, using a mouse/trackpad, tapping on devices), fingertip (typing, fine motor, strength when holding things) & overall noise (so I can hear things that assist in safety e.g. crossing street or organization e.g. dropping keys). Overall face pain has been reduced 60% and the need to talk quickly to diminish that pain & the adrenaline associate with ptsd is more & more situational---like movies,

SmarterThanTrauma™
©SMART E MC

It's true that in order to do a higher-level thinking skill set like writing you have to have some pre-requisites e.g. hearing own voice, not ptsd triggering/flashbacking, able to re-read and edit requiring the ability to hold more than one thought (not being in-the-moment only) and other basics. 

I'm going to start writing the worst behaviors & it is focused on one gender since that's the experience. The use of pronouns in this story is to know when people are talking about you in front of your face & the 2 specialists showing me how they erroneously diagnose in order to make their job easier did that. I watched their non-private conversation & interrupted several times to clarify what they were saying & most importantly to disagree. Also, the suggestion to to just google IDEA (individuals with disability education act) went uncommented on & undone.

Manic according to them was "the feeling of grandiosity & a sense of changing the world," and I said, "oh, that's the issue. I said change the law. Just google IDEA" because I'm not manic. I'm certain this violence had a purpose since I was 31 & 33 when assaulted (two rounds) and maybe it was to see behind-the-scenes.

There is no doubt my writing & voice samples taken as a way to "dampen" the lack of progress monitoring in a school that had to mathematically computer grAdes, but decided they didn't have to do that...anyway, this is difficult to state here. I'll be editing & working on it simultaneously going through the paper trail in my office & digitizing it because I'm through TOUCH--ptsd is sensory. ptsDuh.

SmarterThanTrauma™
©SMART E MC

I think I'm ahead of all triggers now. 

SmarterThanTrauma™
©SMART E MC

That's it. I know how to organize this.

SmarterThanTrauma™
©SMART E MC

Organize this & start writing those letters & sharing the steps to dampen each trigger to get to this point because first you have to do what's most comfortable to take off that edge, I'm looking over, before he....

When someone is so specific about what they will do, if you do a, b, c, d, then yes, you may get a little brainwashed. I'm okay with that because I doubt I'm the only one & now that media is unlocked, at my disposal, something I can access & not flashback to that (since so sexualized, snarky & just not my thang, sometimes), I think I can be super clear, super succinct, super concise & share how to end trauma for Everyone, Not Just Some*

*it was always special education & my students to say, "hey, I'm okay!" but also, "what they did was wrong so to everyone who witnessed it & thought, 'that's ok,' it was not. Thank you."

SmarterThanTrauma™
©SMART E MC

THE ORIGIN OF F/D UP EV/RTH/G IS NON-CONSENT. at work, at home, night & day.
CAN IT BE REVERSED WITH ULTIMATE CONSENT? Y. what does that look/sound like?

Oct 26, 2022 was the date Megan Manning walked me to the place to get records that required a license. This action was the thing that had kept me alive (seriously, small acts of kindness which to her probably was a bit of a break--I can't hear a lot of it. I don't recall personal information shared. I am trying to listen now) & the point being when there's OUTSIDE NOISE, my hands need to hold something so I was holding this. I don't know if I meant to record. I talk about charging the phone & not sure where there's TV, but I have the date & absolutely told my Dr. about it since when I could not retrieve, due to license (his name is on the license still!) I had to find another way to start reading. 

In education, use real life meaningful experiences, but also wanted to check what they recorded since it happened a few times where the languages wasn't correct. P/t thinks this when p/t knows with certainty. When skimming & see a word punch out at me, I can't keep reading. I look away and have not idea what I just read. I learned this when wanting to volunteer with a charity who did veterans stuff, not having been forced to read before, but years earlier (round one in 2013) I could read these after visit summaries because at NWMH I sat there & waited and made corrections until it was exactly as I said int he doctor's office. One part of being a teacher is a standard for accurate record keeping. That would apply to all specialists positions & general life rules, don't ya think?

SmarterThanTrauma™
©SMART E MC

This project was about changing policies for kids with special needs or share what I know to s/v in the ER & remind them people out there care since I had that after mine & I wanted to bury everything in spaces no one could understand, but now, it's better to just be clear. The past is in the past. Now, change the future for others

I started hearing his voice again & getting tight in my neck & almost feel his hands on my... NO.  When to write. noW

If you have had a s.a., it stays quite strong, but this is the first time that I've gone to the 3 flashbacks, boom boom boom, in a row & thought, I should write it because I think I'm letting it go. Not mentally. I let it go a long time, but the body remembers.

DBT teaches patient (p/t) to catch either the thought, feeling or behavior. I hear "__  ____  __ ____* , too!" & there were real tears, like heaving. 4 times. Rhythmically, the thought was, this isn't forever, it's about THAT. He's not going to kill me (oh that's good) & then the flashback/imagery (had happened earlier, no idea when) of seeing a face with no tears, head in his hands & the statement, "I want a downgrade," & I said, "what? A divorce?" and he looked up quickly & there was no tears. "My family doesn't believe in divorce." What I said next is why I know Trauma Recovery Center is the best place since right away, just speaking regular without me having to relive or say it aloud, or put it back in the universe, I got it. I don't have to hear myself explain except to the ONLY PEOPLE who NEEDED TO KNOW : the police. They need to take more accurate reporting since they spent more time on covering their butts since I tried to report June 2015 & instead, I got on twitter when the only thing I could say was "roar!" (anger---oh yea) & the words "end ptsd [for everyone, not just some." BOOM

The words, "ultimate trust. You wanted ultimate trust," knowing the word ultimate then was truly, the ultimate, pinnacle, apex, top, nothing higher, better than the ultimate. Now, that word is stricken from my speech. I see it sometimes I writing, but I don't hear it. I never hear it. BOOM

...& the last one, is well, the last one is mine to keep since I only told one person (hello!) & when they did it, the flashback/imagery was what he said in his therapy. I had to attend like watching a toast given under the stairs (& darkness, like the black/back of the jacket of the principal walking away--I was zoomed in, so zoomed out [it happened like wham. I could see the whole thing & knew why I was wearing black. Not depressed. The black was the visual connective thread] & see the big picture & it took years to do that) that I had to also attend since, "no one lets me speak." There's the generalization that if you hear, just know, they're not with you. They're in la la land with they're repeating whatever. Don't care. Just stating it.

The words were & the last time I write or say that, "I throw whatever I know about a person at them until they stop asking questions," when asked about (a) baring the teeth (b) moody face (c) slouched posture, but mostly (a). "I feel like a cornered** animal." That I've never seen before & special educators are behavioralists, duh. If I have to describe this last BOOM, I'm more than willing, but only if it's on paper (like the law) so it helps others & that's the end of that. 

*why I am able to do the next podcast. I scattered this all over the universe so s/v/p don't have to relive.
**why I have the Corner Bakery app. It's literally around the corner from NWMH & would see it & relive in addition to other times, but I thought, no way am I going to be controlled [by fear or repeat sensory memories] for the rest of my life.

SmarterThanTrauma™
©SMART E MC

This is the first time (of many times) I’ll be writing while listening which is the basis for the skill set, note taking. If I write something 3x, that means I heard it & then re-listened or it came in as an echo.

There's a link at the bottom for the rest of the audio/visual together

(:09) SECONDS : SHELLS 
(:13) CHIME
(:26) : LArry LAbiak
(02:08) : drop seed for TV (say “tv”) 
(2:12) don’t have to say which show (the thought popped up & that was ENOUGH SENSORY—all comes in at once, even the good stuff)
(2:53) threatened specifically, “if you tell the police, I will…” & “your family will believe me because you get dizzy” (IF/THEN statement). Also, continued by saying how sad everyone would be, but they’d understand. A terrible accident)
(2:20) 2 minute & 19 second X upload (now, all topics do no reverberate throughout body
(3:18) rest of 2m & 19 second X upload
(3:58) & (4:18) SHELLS—visual
(4:10) & (4:14) & (4:18) SHELLS—audio…………
(4:33) “gaslighting” (visual) “grandkids” (audio)
(4:40) “story of the cat” (but that can’t be true based on how you treat the cat so what I told the therapist after session one, “he lies.”

& so on & so on.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1r2LJtffeJtOeN2tEcutXwVtZ5t3VIM9sCvoyK4Mj73U/edit?usp=sharing

The Previous Steps in the Methodology

(1) GET IT OUT : reminder to speak since what they want us to be is (a) fearful (b) quiet (c) total acceptance of their stigma, denial & non-response (d) dumb

(2) REFLECT : when capable to "look back" on what came out & (a) think of one thing that was said/seen--record what popped up & this could be the trigger (b) decide which sensory it connects to. I found the intensity/frequency to be audio, visual, audio/visual then tactile which was audio+visual+tactile, but the severity (to do harm) being tactile & when I made a lot of items because my hands could not chill out.

The earliest reminder/cues/mantras after 2013 head assault. For 2 years, this was a physical recovery while balancing the HORRORSHOW in my house, but the purpose was to realize Neptune's abuses/sabotage. Was it worth it? If I get to share his story, YES.

"always pick up," when I'd see any hair tye on the ground. Kind of gross, I know, but it was a rule so if I saw one, had to stop. Look around. Timing since much slower, balance & movement since vestibular damage is the vestibular nerve (learned connected to visual cortex) is when the head doesn't know where it is in "time or space." Time & space become a poem. 

"when you walk you stampede," since that was how I described the pain. Specifically great migration of elephants & was asked to describe the nerve pain in more basic terms like burning, throbbing, tingly. Animals are very important to this recovery since I kind of had to pretend to be them in order to get through these horrendous sensations or give myself the non-stigmatizing, non-judgemental acceptance to just do it---who cares---you're a bear & you're just giving your body sensation when you scratch it against a tree. Then "mama bear" popped up because I think that's what those parents thought what they were doing was absolutely within the boundaries of FAIR PLAY. What's fair is giving a child with special needs what they need to be successful! Like a classroom!