Independence is the Secret to Relationship Longevity

S6 Episode 1: Sex, Sex and More Sex: Important Questions to Ask Yourself

Episode Summary

Sex is an important part of romantic relationships.  It bonds couples and enhances the intimacy that two people share.  While there are no hard and fast rules about when and with whom you should have sex, there are a number of questions you should be asking yourself before you engage in sexual conduct with another person(s).

If you can answer in the affirmative to these questions, then you are physically, mentally and emotionally prepared for whatever surprises may come your way.  People can be unpredictable, thoughtless and reckless.  While you can never control another person, you can make decisions that will garner respect and build trust, which in turn enhances your sexual experience and deepens the connection you feel with your partner.

A Romancipated individual practices self-preservation and understands that they are responsible for protecting their health, safety and emotional well-being.  Sexual contact should always be consensual, legal, pleasurable and safe.  

At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss how unhealthy it is to need your partner to save you from life’s difficulties.

Show Notes

Before you involve sex in your relationship, there are some important questions to ask yourself first. Do you have the proper protection to avoid pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections? You should feel ready, willing, and able to protect yourself and your partner.

Moreover, if your protection methods fail, how will you approach the situation? For example, if there is a pregnancy, how will you move forward under those circumstances? What if you end up with a child that is ill, or, if you’re a woman, what if you become ill as a result of pregnancy? The chance of creating a child is possible when you have sex.

You also have to consider contracting an STI. What if you don’t have access to healthcare to address it? How will you disclose this information, if or when necessary, to your family, health professionals, or even your employer? How will you approach telling your next partner and disclosing your STI?

It’s not just about what your choices would be, but also the choices of your partner. What if you had sex and you didn’t hear from them again? What if they walk away and disparage you? These are questions you need to consider before a sexual encounter so you can be sure you’re making the right decision for you by engaging in sexual contact.

In this episode, the vent session topic is: When someone expects a partner to save them from life’s difficulties. It’s no one’s job to save you, and dependency can lead to resentment. It’s an unrealistic and overwhelming expectation to place on your partner. It’s immature to push any obstacle you face onto your partner.

Please make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they are released. Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook.

Visit us at www.romancipation.com

S5 Episode 12: Life May Not Be Fair, But Your Relationship Can Be

Episode Summary

A healthy relationship always has an underlying sense of fairness to everything the couple does.  Whether it is the division of labor, the respect of boundaries or the joint economic decisions.  Fairness means treating people according to their needs, therefore it will not always be equal.  Equality is treating everyone the same; something that is very difficult to achieve in a romantic partnership.

Each member of the relationship needs to take responsibility for communicating their individual needs and expectations to their partner.  In turn, their partner should be empathetic and accountable. For a relationship to feel fair, both people need to be realistic about what will be most mutually beneficial to the relationship.

Moreover, it is up to you to advocate for yourself if you feel there is a double-standard or your boundaries are being violated.  As relationship evolve, what would be considered fair can change as well.  It is important to check in with your partner and make sure that they are feeling respected and appreciated for their contributions to the partnership.

At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss how frustrating it is when your partner refuses to clean up after themselves.

Show Notes

Fair is not the same as equal. While you can strive for equality in a relationship, it’s unrealistic to believe it can be equal at all times. That said, it doesn’t mean your relationship can’t be fair. Equal means getting the exact same treatment. Fair means respect, appreciation, and a feeling of being heard. 

How do you make a relationship fair? You have to be able to communicate, empathize, and listen. You have to set appropriate boundaries with each other and be clear about them. Don’t allow your partner to treat you unfairly—you are the one who needs to set and enforce your boundaries.

When it comes to division of labor, it’s very important to be fair about it. It’s not just about the physicality of the labor, it’s about the emotional toll and the time commitment, too. It helps to play to each person’s strength when you’re tackling tasks, so you can be efficient. This helps bring balance to the relationship or family unit.

The fairer your relationship is, the greater your trust and intimacy will be. Showing appreciation for your partner and acknowledging them, especially in those periods where the relationship isn’t fair, goes a long way. When people feel their time is valued and respected, a sense of fairness permeates the relationship.

In this episode, the vent session topic is: When your partner makes a mess and doesn’t clean up after themselves. It’s childish, selfish, and creates instant resentment. It’s disrespectful to the partner’s space and energy. It also sets a poor example for children. Your relationship is a partnership—not a complimentary service. 

Please make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they are released. Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook.

Visit us at www.romancipation.com

S5 Episode 11: You Should Want to Be with Your Partner, Not Need to Be with Them

Episode Summary

There is a big difference between want and need.  Wanting something or someone makes you put in effort and work for it.  Needing something or someone creates feelings of powerlessness and instability.  For a relationship to withstand the expected ups and downs, both partners should want to be with the other.

When you place yourself in a situation where you rely so heavily on another person for support - financial, emotional or physical - you give them power over your life and the decisions you make.  Sometimes that control is direct and in other instances it is indirect.  Either way, it is unhealthy for both members of the couple and will create resentment.

Two people who want to be together practice empathy, respect and acceptance.  They build trust, respect boundaries and nurture intimacy.  Feeling wanted is empowering and gives you a sense of security.  You recognize your partner is with you for the right reasons and that creates long-term stability.

At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss how detrimental it is for a person to take on their new partner’s hobbies or interests in an attempt to keep the relationship.

Show Notes

Being truly Romancipated means being in a relationship with someone because you want to be, not because you feel you need to be. Healthy, productive relationships take work, and you need to have a desire to do that work. Going about it any other way is a disservice to you.

By needing your partner instead of wanting them, you’re placing yourself in a situation primed for abuse, neglect, and unhappiness, especially if your partner is the one emphasizing your need for them. Believing them compromises your agency and can lead you down a very dark rabbit hole.

It’s important for any person to have the ability to stand on their own two feet. Plus, independence is so sexy. The same goes for your partner. When you know they are with you because they want you versus need you, it’s a great feeling. It makes you feel chosen. Co-dependence, on the other hand, is a trap. 

If you are with your partner because you think you need them, you’re handing over control. If you stay with a person because you think you won’t find someone better, that’s a bad choice to make. How would you feel if that’s why someone chose you? It’s an icky thought. But when someone wants you and puts their effort behind it, it’s a beautiful experience. That want helps you get through the rough patches.

In this episode, the vent session topic is: When people change their hobbies or interests to please a new partner. Whether it’s sports, food, or politics, mismatched interests can only be concealed for so long until they take their toll. Why lie about who you are and what you want? Not everything in your relationship needs to be shared or mutually enjoyed.

Please make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they are released. Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook.

Visit us at www.romancipation.com

S5 Episode 10: You Cannot Change the Rules of the Relationship Just Because You’re Losing

Episode Summary

As a relationship evolves, the power dynamic can shift between the two partners.  Sometimes this shift in power produces positive outcomes like increased trust, empathy or teamwork.  Unfortunately, the more common outcome is the dominant partner feeling threatened by the change.  

Instead of embracing the power shift, they attempt to maintain the upper hand in the relationship by changing the relationship rules. This type of behavior is counter-productive and detrimental to the relationship. It creates instant feeling of resentment in your partner and will end up creating conflict.  

Issuing ultimatums as a way of getting what you want is another thoughtless way to approach your partner.  It signals desperation and will not get you what you ultimately want.  Unless you are willing to follow through with a threat or demand, it is foolish and short-sighted to force your partner into a corner.

At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss how quickly a work spouse can wreak havoc in a relationship.

Show Notes

As new elements are added to your relationship, it’s normal to see a shift in the rules. They are meant to be dynamic, so they evolve. But the reality is that in almost all relationships, one member tends to have a little more power. But when this person starts to lose power, they may feel inclined to change the rules. This is detrimental to a relationship.

Rules and boundaries can be altered, but it has to be communicated and agreed upon from both sides. Making unilateral decisions that serve only you is an unfair move. People who do this might think it helps them keep their power, but in reality, it will breed anger and resentment while souring your relationship.

Giving ultimatums and demands is trying to force another person’s behavior, and if you aren’t willing to follow through with the consequences or the outcome, you’ll lose your credibility. This signals something desperate is going on in the relationship, and it’s an unhealthy play for power.

Before you try to shift the rules in your relationship, ask yourself if you’re willing to follow through. By showing your dissatisfaction, you may be letting more out than you think, and there’s no telling what the situation might become. People can be very unpredictable when you try to change the rules on them.

In this episode, the vent session topic is: When your partner has a work spouse. It’s a common occurrence—many people end up with a work spouse in the workplace. However, when a work spouse’s emotional support exceeds that of the actual partner, trouble almost always ensues. Appropriate boundaries need to be established with the work spouse before it evolves into an emotional affair.

Please make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they are released. Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook.

Visit us at www.romancipation.com

S5 Episode 9: Don’t Pretend to Be a Nympho, it Will Bite You in the Ass!

Episode Summary

Female sexuality is a very influential and perilous factor in any romantic relationship. A woman’s power is often tied to her sexual prowess.  The more desire she can elicit from a partner, the more control she will wield in the relationship.  In turn, women often feel the need to present themselves as a willing and enthusiastic participant when it comes to sexual activity.  Being seen as a sexual dynamo may get you what you want in the early stages of a relationship, but it can come to haunt you as the relationship progresses.

It is critical that you are clear with your motivations for having sex with your partner.  Is it for sexual gratification, the creation of intimacy, to create a child or to win some type of financial or emotional favor?  Whatever it may be, it should line up with the expectations your partner will have as a result.

Moreover, be careful to not use sex as a weapon, distraction or apology.  It will not serve you or your partner to have sexual intimacy associated with negative feelings.  Sex should always be about mutual pleasure, consent, trust and respect.

At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss how frustrating it is when a partner says they are fine when it’s obvious they are upset.

Show Notes

For some, sex is a tool for luring a partner in. But what happens when you pretend to be a nympho when your relationship begins? It’s really important for women to enjoy sex and have a strong connection to their body. However, because sex is mental and emotional, it’s also important to tune into your motivations.

Giving a false sense of your sexual desire—type, duration, frequency, or otherwise—will eventually lead to disappointment and resentment. This is known as the “ol’ bait and switch,” and it doesn’t serve you. In fact, it hurts your sexual credibility. Be realistic about what you’re actually comfortable with.

When you play the nympho who always wants it, you’re setting expectations you may not be interested in fulfilling long-term. When you set high expectations, you will underdeliver. Instead, you could set lower expectations and, when you feel in the mood, overdeliver in a way that surprises your partner.

On that note, sex should never be used as an apology or to gain love. It makes for an invalidating “apology,” and having sex never guarantees love. Sex is also often used as a form of punishment, which is counterproductive. Don’t be a nympho for material possessions. It turns an intimate act into a transactional one, even when you’re married.

In this episode, the vent session topic is: When your partner says they’re fine when they obviously are not. It may be a sign the person does not feel comfortable expressing their feelings—or it’s a passive-aggressive move. It inevitably leads to resentment and denies the resolution both people most likely want.

Please make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they are released. Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook.

Visit us at www.romancipation.com

S5 Episode 8: You Should Be Your Partner’s Biggest Fan, Not Their Biggest Critic

Episode Summary

Romantic relationships are unique in the sense that it is the one interpersonal relationship where you get to choose your partner.  There must be a reason why you want to spend time with this person and share the most intimate parts of your life with them.  The idea that you would not be their biggest fan or source of emotional support is counterintuitive and counterproductive.

When two people form a partnership, they become a unit that should work together, not tear each other down.  No person is perfect and everyone makes mistakes.  There is a difference between criticizing your partner and being critical.  When there is a trust and respect between two people, they should be able to communicate in a healthy way.  When one partner behaves in a way that is detrimental to the partnership, it needs to be addressed in a productive and thoughtful manner.

A strong partnership recognizes each person’s strengths and works as a unit to shore up any deficiencies.  Knowing that your partner has your back and is your biggest cheerleader builds intimacy, empathy and a sense of security.  It allows you to take risks, display vulnerability and gives you the space to evolve.

At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss how unfair it is when one partner is sick and the other is expected to pick up all the slack, but the favor is never returned.

Show Notes

You should be your partner’s biggest fan, not their biggest critic. Why would anyone choose to spend time, or especially build a life with, a person who does nothing but criticize them? You don’t love everything your partner does, but you should always bring your partner up more than you put them down.

If your partner feels the need to be critical often, especially in front of other people, it’s a big red flag. You may not always approve of what your partner does, but there’s a time and place to have those conversations. Generally, you should be each other’s cheerleaders and teammates. You can even be their coach by being critical without criticizing. 

The way you support your partner reinforces a strong foundation in your relationship. You should be a united front to friends, family members, and anybody you interact with. This kind of relationship is powerful, freeing, and lets you fly high. It also gives you space to make mistakes and be vulnerable.

You don’t have to cover up how you really feel about your partner. But the fact is you should understand and support your partner when they do make mistakes. Show them grace rather than going on the attack. Remember all the positive reasons you picked this person and keep that in focus in your relationship.

In this episode, the vent session topic is: When your partner gets away with doing nothing when they’re sick, but you still have to work when you’re sick. If one partner is temporarily out of commission, the other has to step up. This agreement should go both ways. When it doesn’t, it’s infuriating. If you take care of everyone else regardless of how you’re feeling, it’s a problem.

Please make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they are released. Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook.

Visit us at www.romancipation.com

S5 Episode 7: If You Need to Sell the Relationship to Your Partner, it isn’t Worth Buying

Episode Summary

Successful relationships take work.  Both people have to be open to understanding their partner’s wants and needs.  If one member of the partnership is not interested in meeting the other’s expectations, then trying to force a relationship will be a futile endeavor.  You should never have to convince your partner of your value, nor should you try to morph yourself into someone you think they want. 

No person likes a hard sell.  It reeks of desperation and feels manipulative.  A forced relationship that is not the right fit will be full of resentment and ripe for abuse.  Moreover, why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who is not willing to put in the time and effort?  Even if you get what you want in the short term, it will feel like settling to your partner and eventually to you.  

If a person does not want to commit to you, do not take it personally.  You may be exactly what they are looking for, but the timing or circumstances prevent them from acting on their feelings.  Ultimately, both individuals have to be on the same page and share the same mindset for the relationship to move forward.

At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss how frustrating it is when men do not realize how difficult it is to be a woman in today’s society. 

Show Notes

What’s the secret to finding the right partner? One way to approach it is to imagine yourself as a product. When you’re dating, you’re putting yourself out there—marketing yourself. The other people out there may see you or “the product” and realize you’re exactly what they’re looking for, know you’re not right for them, or even be somewhere in the middle.

However, you should never have to convince another person of your value. If they don’t see what you offer, why chase after them? You’re not a sale item—you’re full-priced! You should never accept being a second choice or a backup. If you are being realistic about what you offer, don’t settle for less.

Acting desperate or trying harder to make a relationship work is not the answer. People can pick up on a hard sell from a mile away. If you ever find yourself in a situation where you are trying too hard, it might be time to walk away. If it doesn’t work out, it’s not about you. It’s about the other person not valuing what you bring to the table.

How many people try to shove their foot into a shoe even though it doesn’t fit (metaphorically speaking)? Sometimes people recognize what you’re offering, but it’s still not the right fit. Any amount of effort you put in after that point is a waste of your time and energy.

In this episode, the vent session topic is: When men refuse to understand that life is much harder for women. It is a false belief that women have it easier than men. Women deal with societal pressures, physical threats, and economical inequalities—just to name a few. There are always exceptions, but generally speaking, the female existence is vastly different from men’s existence.

Please make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they are released. Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook.

Visit us at www.romancipation.com

S5 Episode 6: Relationship Endgame: Companion, Partner or Caregiver

Episode Summary

Romantic relationships are as varied as the people in them.  People come together for a plethora of reasons: companionship, because they are looking for a life partner, or because they want someone to take care of them. While there is no right or wrong type of relationship, you should be honest about what you are really looking for from another person.  

Every type of relationship has the potential to evolve or devolve from the original understanding, so be aware of the potential for hurt feelings.  With each relationship, your romantic wants and needs become more refined.  Make sure to clearly communicate and be open to the possibility that your current partner may not be willing or able to meet your expectations. 

Understanding your relationship endgame will help you avoid entering into relationships that are a mismatch for the future you envision.  For a relationship to be successful, each party needs to be on the same page.  Moreover, it is a mistake to stay in a relationship that is unsatisfactory, just because it fits your endgame. 

At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss when your partner treats the relationship like a competition.

Show Notes

Thinking long term, are you looking for companionship, partnership, or a caregiver? Companionship is having a person to share things with—like experiences and intimacy—without the commitment of the relationship. Partnerships are a committed relationship. A lot of people also look for someone who takes care of them in one way or another, financially for instance. This is the definition of a caregiver.

Each of these types of relationships is valid, so long as each person in the relationship is honest. Any of these has the potential to be healthy and successful for both people. The difference with a partnership is that compromise will be necessary, because both people need to have their needs met.

Any one of these relationship types can evolve—or devolve. For instance, a partnership can turn into a caregiver relationship. A companionship can turn into a partnership. It’s important to know what your endgame is, as well as the endgame of the other person involved. And remember that you shouldn’t hang your future on hope alone.

In some cases, shifting the dynamic of your relationship is the healthier option. For instance, if your relationship isn’t working and you decide to stay together for the kids. Some couples will cohabitate as companions—and that’s perfectly okay if they can do it in a healthy way.

In this episode, the vent session topic is: When your partner treats the relationship like a competition with you. When your partner is always competing with you, they are constantly trying to outdo you. They try to make you jealous, while often they are the ones themselves who are jealous. It makes it difficult to work together towards a common goal.

Please make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they are released. Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook.

Visit us at www.romancipation.com

S5 Episode 5: Be Empowered in a Relationship, Not Entitled

Episode Summary

A healthy relationship is based on respect, trust, communication, boundaries and acceptance.  Each person who enters into a partnership is entitled to have their wants and needs met by their partner, and in turn they should be willing to offer the same.  Remember, a relationship takes two people, and both should be willing and able to make their partner feel cherished and loved.

Having realistic and thoughtful relationship expectations for you and your partner is empowering. Making demands, living by a double-standard or refusing to communicate with your romantic partner is not only unacceptable behavior, it is disrespectful, thoughtless and immature.  Striking a balance between empowerment and entitlement can be tricky.  That is why you need to practice self-awareness to avoid falling into unhealthy patterns. 

When a person is comfortable with who they are, they become a better partner.  Empowering yourself outside of the relationship affords you the ability to respect your partner’s boundaries and to accept their limitations.  When a couple plays to one another’s strengths, the bonds that tie them together are reinforced.

At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss how toxic it can be to a relationship when a partner lets their family members interfere in the primary relationship.

Show Notes

Do you know the difference between being empowered versus being entitled in your relationship? Requiring respect is empowering. On the other hand, making demands is entitlement. It’s important for people to understand this distinction. You can’t use empowerment as an excuse to make demands from another person.

A relationship is two whole people coming together. You are going to have to have your needs and wants met, and you will also have to meet the wants and needs of your partner. It’s not entirely about your expectations because it’s a two-way street. 

The key to empowerment is understanding and playing to your strengths. It’s about communicating effectively, setting boundaries, and taking ownership. Sharing household duties, emotional care, and apologizing when you should is empowering. Living by a double standard, refusing to communicate, and having an unfair distribution of labor is entitled behavior.

An empowered person operates from a place of comfort and knows how to draw on what they need, rather than placing all the expectations on their partner. Once you start emphasizing and working on your own empowerment, you’ll realize how much healthier it is for you and your relationship.

In this episode, the vent session topic is: When people let their family interfere in the relationship. You don’t automatically deserve a place in someone else’s relationship. This often stems from a need for control, and too many people allow this to happen in a relationship. Your partner only needs to satisfy your wants and needs, not those of your family members. If your family can’t respect your boundaries and your relationship, they don’t respect you.

Please make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they are released. Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook.

Visit us at www.romancipation.com

S5 Episode 4: Infidelity and Life Stage: Destructive or Self-Discovery

Episode Summary

Just as people evolve over time, so do their relationships.  As a person enters a new life stage, their priorities shift and their needs, wants and expectations change.  Unfortunately, as feelings and circumstances change, dissatisfaction in the relationship creates the opportunity for infidelity to enter into the picture.

When a partnership is built on respect, trust, communication, and acceptance, the two people involved are either able to jointly navigate the challenges and stay together, or they part ways amicably. For relationships that are missing one or several of the foundational elements, infidelity often serves as a catalyst for ending the unhappy union.

Self-discovery is an important aspect of self-awareness.  Instead of engaging in destructive behavior, honor your commitment and your partner by being honest with them about your feelings before rushing off to find Mr. or Ms. Right.  If you choose to leave the relationship, be mindful of the short-term and long-term impact it will have on you and your ex-partner. Everyone deserves to be in a fulfilling relationship.  Just be thoughtful about how you go about it. 

At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss when a person changes their manner of dress or appearance to please a new partner.

Show Notes

Infidelity has a significant impact on people in their romantic relationships. Cheating in a long-term, monogamous relationship is a bad choice. But sometimes, down the road in a relationship, you simply realize it isn’t working—and you feel trapped. For some people, infidelity is sort of a tool they use to free themselves.

Some people want to have it all—someone to share the division of labor while also having fun on the side. But in other cases, a relationship has stopped being beneficial or has simply fizzled out. These people may cheat and use this new relationship as a catalyst to leave. It’s not an excuse for the behavior, but it’s easier to understand. 

If you are a person who is cheating as an avenue of self-discovery, you still owe it to your partner to tell them the truth. Your feelings are still valid, but you’ve made a commitment to the other person, so you should be honest with them. The only way a relationship can be truly beneficial is if both people are having a positive experience. 

As humans, we have a base need for connection. When that’s missing in a relationship, it can lead to exploration of other options. You may also find yourself looking for another partner if you didn’t take the time to find your right-fit partner at a younger age. Rushing is not the answer. Building a strong relationship with the right person is.

In this episode, the vent session topic is: When people change their style of dress or appearance to please a new partner. Adjusting the way you dress to appease your partner’s insecurity will lead to resentment—towards them and yourself. Because personal style is such a big part of someone’s personal choices, this could signal something sinister about the relationship.

Please make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they are released. Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook.

Visit us at www.romancipation.com