Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma: Episode 42: Oh, The Not So Joyous Holidays!

Hey there, It’s Kerri. I hope that you are well and doing the best you can during the holiday season.

I am going to take a break for the rest of this month from the podcast. I really feel the pull of focusing as much as I can on my family this holiday season, more so this year. There has been so much going on, lots good, some things have been a bit more challenging.

I’m like everyone else. I am so busy, rushing through my days in a blur, in spite of doing my best to stay present. However, my family needs as much of my attention as I can give them. My son is going through a huge transitional phase right now -very good, but very stressful. My husband is older, he’s 73 and not in the best of health right now. He’s also a quadruple heart bypass survivor, and while the surgery is not out of the ordinary, he doesn’t take the best care of himself, in spite of all of my efforts. He had the surgery about 9 years ago, so I am more keenly aware of time being precious.

This has been an amazing year for so many reasons and I am so very grateful for all that I have. I am also eternally grateful for all of you! Your support has made such a huge difference in my life, and saying thank you just doesn’t seem to cover it!

I am also going to take a look at the show’s content, and I have big plans for next year! I will be back with the first new show of 2024 on January 6^th!  If you have any comments, suggestions, or ideas, please let me know! . You can always find me and message me on Facebook at Kerri Walker, and my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com

In the meantime, you can always check out my YouTube channel for all of my past episodes and video exercises. Please also visit my website for lots of information and resources.

I hope this holiday season finds you taking extra good care of yourself, and as always, we’ll talk soon!

Hey there, it’s Kerri. Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma. This episode 44 and I’m going to talk about why grief is so intense around the holiday season.

I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma and Resiliency Life Coach, a Certified Trauma Support Specialist, Advocate, and someone with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.

All right let’s dive in!

So grief. Grieving around the holidays can be so intense and hard. But it isn’t only missing those who are no longer with us. Grief takes so many forms, and we grieve losses of any kind. We can grieve the loss of a situation, maybe we lost a job or an opportunity we were hoping for. Perhaps we also then grieve the loss of financial stability. Maybe we are grieving the loss of a relationship, any relationship be it family, friends, coworkers, and others. We can also grieve the “idea” of relationships. If we grew up in toxic and dysfunctional families, we feel the loss of what we wanted, what “should” have been, rather than what we currently have.

I know that for me, missing what I wanted, my “ideal” family, especially at the holiday season was a tough one for me to grow through. Growing up, the fantasy world in my head was a much nicer place to live than the real world. In my imagination, everyone was well, happy, together in a way they really didn’t exist in truth. Everyone got along, no fighting, no drunkenness, no illness, no frequent moves. Things were happy, stable, people were stable. As I grew older, and had my own kids, I focused on them, making the holidays wonderful and magical for them. Doing all of the things I wished my parents had done with me but didn’t. However, I hadn’t ever really dealt with my own grief and trauma, I was just trying to outrun it as fast as I could. When my mom died in 1991, many of those things I’d been trying to outrun, finally caught up with me in a BIG way.

My relationship with her was so complicated, so enmeshed, I couldn’t see where I began and ended without her. With her gone, who was I really? That first holiday season brought on waves of grief, huge crashing waves that I thought would drown me. That was followed always by the constant grief of losing my little sister in December of 1977. Then piled on top of that, my dad’s hasty remarriage just a few months after my mom died and I was just completely adrift. I continued to focus on my kids during the holidays even though I was often tempted to just stop, freezing in place with my pain. Over the years, other losses piled up, lost jobs, lost homes, lost situations, and opportunities. Then my kids got older, grew up and moved on. Again I was completely lost -without them to care for on a daily basis, who was I? You sense the theme here right?

Due to everything I had been through, all of the trauma, dysfunction, loss, and lack of stability, I had never had the opportunity to find out just who Kerri really was! I had no idea what I liked, didn’t like, what I liked to do, nothing. I had always identified as a caretaker, I took care of my mom, raised my little sister, cared for my husband and my kids, but never really myself. I didn’t even know how to begin. It was a very, very long process, one I still work at every day. With lots of time, lots of therapy, lots of slow steps, not always forward, I slowly began to put my own pieces together for the first time. Realizing that I, on my own, was a being worthy and deserving of just as much love, care, and attention as anyone else, was a big moment! I had worth, just being me! What a concept! Then I had to learn how to care for myself, how to nourish and develop my senses, how to be present. I had to learn how to be me in a totally new way, not through anyone else, not by how much I cared for or did for anyone else, just me.

This was especially true during the holidays. I had to work through my grief, losses, and those old ideas of what I thought I was lacking. I began to think about what I did have, how many people I had that I loved and loved me. I had a lot to be grateful for and had to fight all those well-worn scarcity thoughts. Then I slowly began to piece together the parts of my childhood holiday memories that were good. How we used to gather with our family at the holidays and how good that felt. How hard my mom worked to make Christmas special and magical. Seeing the look of joy on my sister’s face as we raced to the living room knowing Santa had come. All of it. Does it still hurt at the holidays? Of course, but now I focus on the good, more so than the bad. I stay as present as I can and enjoy the moments of happiness, love, and belonging that I have created for myself and my family. We make wonderful new memories every year, and that helps tip the scales back into balance.

Is it easy? No, it takes a lot of work and intention to create anything new. Pushing back against those habitual things we know so well is a process, but it can and will get better. You have to want it, then find ways in which to stitch your own heart back together one small piece at a time. Healing can be messy and painful, but it is always worth it in the end. Focusing on what we DO have, rather than what we DON’T have truly helps more than you think. If you really desire change, start there, with gratitude practice daily. You can use an app, or journal, or your computer, whatever you find is most supportive for you. But every day is the key, don’t quit. If you need ideas on things to be grateful for and why you are grateful for them (Don’t forget that part, why you are grateful and how these things make you feel is an important step) Google ideas, there are a ton out there!

A simple exercise that might help you this holiday season is to write a letter to someone or something you miss. If you are missing someone this holiday, write them a letter. Even if they are gone, write out your feelings, write to them what you miss about them, or even what you don’t miss about them.  If you need to get some anger or hurt out, do it. Then when you are finished, crumple up the letter, burn it (safely) tear it up, but get rid of it. Then your feelings are out of your head and onto physical paper, then as you destroy the letter, it’s gone. If there is a situation, or opportunity you are missing, do the same thing. Write out your feelings around it, then destroy it. It can be a very freeing thing to get it out of your mind, and maybe it will take more than once, but do it, start today!

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, follow me, and please also share widely! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever is on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Kerri Walker, and Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, on Twitter at Kerriwalker58,  my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com, and my YouTube channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma.

Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcasts, music, and listening apps! Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!

Hey there, it’s Kerri. Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma. This is episode 43  and I’m going to talk about ways that we can get through the rest of the holiday season with a little bit of our sanity intact!

I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma and Resiliency Life Coach, a Certified Trauma Support Specialist, Advocate, and someone with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.

All right let’s dive in!

In last week’s episode, we talked about creating your own personal “Holiday Rescue Plan” to set boundaries and say no to those toxic family gatherings. If you created one and put it into action, I’d love to hear about it!

But what do we do if we feel there isn’t any way to say no? How do we deal with all of that toxic behavior and atmosphere in a new way, one in which we can still set boundaries and retain some of our sanity? How can we avoid the triggers that these holiday gatherings seem to always bring?

Part of the problem is how “steeped” in tradition the holidays are. Even in toxic and dysfunctional families, there are rituals and things that for those of us with trauma, we can’t seem to shake. Often, no matter how hard we have tried to shake off our past, it still follows us into the holidays. It is a fact that traumatic holiday events and memories are a part of our past, and as we get closer to those holiday events, our nervous system begins to go right into panic mode! That impending sense of doom and feeling trapped is absolutely horrible.  Not feeling like we have an option sends our over stimulated nervous system into those well-worn trauma responses. Particularly when we were abused in some way by a family member, holidays may have been times that we were forced to spend time with them. Even if we spoke up about the abuse, we may have been dismissed, not believed, told to “shut up” or “be quiet” about it and just “deal” with their abuser’s presence at holiday gatherings. Other survivors describe the holidays as feeling completely alienated or disconnected from their family and culture.

This is particularly true when our collective holiday culture tells us to feel “grateful” for what we have, and we don’t feel grateful for much. Then on top of that, we feel guilt and shame for how ungrateful we DO feel! We are reminded over and over again that we “should” be grateful.

Holidays can also bring about a thought process (often stoked by other family members and/or friends) that it’s our fault for how unloved and lonely we feel, that if we just “loosened up” a little, and forgave the abusive or toxic behavior, maybe we would get some of that love and belonging we so desperately crave.

So as trauma survivors, our well-worn Trauma Brain with all of those go to thoughts, behaviors, emotions, and reactions will unfortunately be up front and center for the holidays! It will be the loudest voice you hear. Our Trauma Brain will absolutely connect us back to all of those awful memories from our past. We get flashbacks and are triggered over and over again during the holidays. It makes it even worse when we have to go to homes we grew up in, in towns where so much of our trauma happened. As our inner critic tells us over and over that WE are at fault, we are responsible, we are the problem.

Toxic family members feel that during the holidays, they absolutely have the right (and the power) to manipulate, berate, and abuse anyone and everyone present. The more people involved, the better they “like” it. They want the attention to be on them, and what better way to get it than by hurting everyone? Or by singling out those family members they feel particularly drawn to hurt? No matter how far you’ve come in your trauma recovery, being thrust back into those old toxic and dysfunctional family patterns can make anyone feel crazy!

For example, when I was a kid, we didn’t really spend much time at the holidays with my dad’s parents, the Walkers. Even when we went back to Hutchinson for Christmas every year, we spent it with my Mom’s parents (which wasn’t healthy either). My Walker grandparents my dad’s parents were only a mile or 2 away, and we’d pop in for the obligatory visit, but didn’t stay long. It wasn’t my grandfather that was the problem, he was wonderful. It was my grandmother, Ruthie, that was the problem. She was the queen of passive-aggressive behavior. Or just outright cruelty. When my little sister Erin died suddenly in mid-December of 1977, needless to say, that Christmas was the most awful, horrible time. My Walker grandparents came when she died and stayed until Christmas. My grandmother actually looked at my mom and said, “You know if you hadn’t have smoked, Erin wouldn’t have died.” I mean WHO SAYS SOMETHING LIKE THAT to someone who has just lost a child??? That’s a pretty extreme example but I’m sure many of you listening have your own awful memories of comments or things either said or implied that you can relate to.

The first big step in dealing with toxic family members during the holidays is realizing what you have control over, and what you don’t. No matter how much you wish you could change other’s behaviors, you can’t. It just isn’t possible. The only things that you have control over are what you do, say, and how you respond and react. That’s it, period. So with that first realization, you can think about other steps you can have in place to protect yourself as much as possible. Here are some ideas that could help you deal with things a little bit more easily.

·         So for example, if cocktail hour before dinner is a nightmare, don’t show up until closer to dinnertime.

·         Distraction is something new to try. Bring a game or a puzzle and suggest everyone try it. Distraction can be a great way to tone down the focus of family members a bit.

·         Don’t get caught off guard. If you know that certain family members in certain situations will behave in a specific way, be prepared for it! Say cousin Susie gets passive-aggressive in the kitchen getting ready for the meal. Leave the room when this behavior sets up, or think of something neutral to say, or ignore it all together. Remember, the more attention you give toxic family members, the more they see that they’ve upset you, the more they like it! Strategize how to give these folks the least amount of attention and energy, don’t fall into those traps!

·         Lots of self-care during the holidays is a must! Anything you can do extra to care for yourself is so important. Have a safe and trusted person that you can text and check in with during this time. Take a relaxing bath, try yoga or stretching. Any exercise is good for you. Read a great book, indulge in your favorite scents. Spend time doing what you like and want to do. Rest, rest, and more rest as well!

·         Stay away from any topics that might bring up conflict or other toxic behaviors. Avoid politics, religion, and anything else that can trigger those automatic toxic tendencies!

·         Try your best to contain your upset. This is a hard one, but the more toxic family members see how upset you are, the more they like it. It feeds into and fuels their behaviors. If you want to, you could take a notebook with you and jot down what things upset you. Then it’s on paper and not in your head. Or you could use an app in your phone to write out your feelings.

·         Change up the logistics. If staying at your parents  house is a nightmare, consider a hotel, bed and breakfast, an Airbnb, or Verbo spot. There are lots of deals around this time, and if you need an excuse, you could say you have to work some, or you have made some other plans that make staying somewhere else more practical. Also, arrange your own transportation. If your parents or family members picking you up from the airport is a horrible experience, consider renting a car or arranging some other mode of transportation for yourself. Treat yourself to an Uber or Lyft to and from if you are able to.

·         Take time out for some “mindful” moments. When things get too chaotic or overwhelming, pick a place you know you can have some space, and a bit of peace for a few minutes. Even a bathroom can offer some space in a pinch for some relief. Excuse yourself, breathe, repeat something soothing to yourself.

·         Check your perspective. Remember that if you do indeed need to be a part of any gatherings with toxic and dysfunctional family members, this is only a brief moment in time, it will pass. The more prepared you are for how you will handle and deal with things, the better. If you come away from it this holiday with a better experience from your perspective, the better you will feel afterwards!

I hope these suggestions are things you found helpful and are more tools we’re adding to that mindfulness toolbox we’ve been building together. Take your toolbox with you everywhere you go, not just the holidays, and use what you’ve learned when you need it! These are skills you’ve learned, your tools to use for anything that comes up!

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, follow me, and please also share widely! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever is on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Kerri Walker, and Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, on Twitter at Kerriwalker58,  my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com, and my YouTube channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma.

Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcasts, music, and listening apps! Please take extra, EXTRA good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!

Hey there, it’s Kerri. Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma. This is episode 42, and I’m going to talk about why the holidays can be less than happy and joyous for many of us.

I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma and Resiliency Life Coach, a Certified Trauma Support Specialist, Advocate, and someone with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.

All right let’s dive in!

The holidays mean so many different things to us all. They tend to be a reflection of our personal experiences, religions, memories, habits, and so on. We are bombarded today typically right after Halloween with all things Christmas (Thanksgiving gets touched on, then quickly bypassed) with ads showing smiling families, warm family gatherings, lots of food, pretty decorations. It can be overwhelming, but it’s driven by that all encompassing need for SALES! Consumerism is alive and well my friends!

The holiday season can be so hard just to get through if you had less than happy memories or experiences of it as a child. Toxic families often just continue on that destructive spiral, and it seems to get even more toxic around the holidays. It’s a time where many feel obligated to attend family gatherings even though they know that unhealthy, often completely toxic, and destructive behaviors will be a large part of the menu. So we go, gearing up for the battle we know is coming. We rehearse what to say and what NOT to say! We become a captive audience, targets unfortunately, and can be sitting ducks for all of the holiday nastiness.

My memories of the holidays are a complicated mixed bag of things. Now we were technically well off, we had nice houses, plenty of food, our physical needs were met. But all of the other needs? Not so much. My mom, even with how sick she always ways pulled out all of the stops for Thanksgiving and Christmas. She wasn’t a baker, but she was a damn good cook and we had lovely meals. Decorating for Christmas was her thing, and our homes and trees were always lovely. And Santa always brought tons of presents for me and my sister, everything we wanted. Except for me the elusive Christmas toy was the game Operation! I asked for it every year, never got it, but I got everything else! If you’ve ever watched “The Santa Clause” where characters Laura Miller and her husband Neil talk about not getting their most wished for gifts “Mystery Date” and an “Oscar Meyer Weenie Whistle” you’ll understand!

Up until I was 8 years old, no matter where we were living, we made the trek back to Hutchinson Kansas where my parents were both from, every Christmas to spend it at my maternal grandparents’ house. Christmas at the Fitzgerald house was pretty amazing. My Uncle’s Ed and Jack my mother’s brothers would all come with their families and so I got to hang out with all of my cousins! They had a big old house with what felt like 20 floors (I think it only had 2) and lots of weird little rooms that had connecting doors. I loved exploring! We had Christmas on Christmas Eve there. The tree was in the front living room, so on Christmas Eve my grandmother would close the big double doors to the room, and we all sat outside and waited. We could hear noise on the roof, jingle bells and the sound of things going on behind those doors. When they thought the time was right, they’d throw open those doors and magically, Santa had come! Those were good times. But even there, there were things going on that were too adult for me to understand. One Christmas I think I was 5, we were in the living room opening presents. I was kneeling on the floor in front of an armchair, opening a present on the seat in front of me. A family member went to step over my legs, and he suddenly fell over me landing on the floor shaking violently. His lit cigarette fell on me, burning a hole in my nightgown and on me. I was horrified that his tripping over my legs had somehow caused his fall and violent shaking. I didn’t learn until much later that he had been an alcoholic for years, and he had a seizure at just that moment. There were other things too, they remain fuzzy in the back of my mind, not clear enough to remember well, but impressions of other things going wrong. The holiday trips ended when I was 8, my grandmother passed away suddenly, and that started a cascade of other events, the sale of the grand old house, my grandfather bouncing around living with each of his three kids, another story for another time.

Christmas with my parents alone was not a good thing. While my mom worked to make things as wonderful as she could, my parents’ relationship was terrible. With my dad home from work for the holiday, all they did was fight and if they weren’t screaming at each other, it was passive-aggressive comments, little sniping dialogue back and forth. Then there was the drinking. My dad drank way too much every day and night he was home. It made him mean. My fondest wish each Christmas was that he wouldn’t get drunk and ruin things, but that wish never came true. It wasn’t until I was much, much older that I realized that my mom had her own drug and alcohol issues. Holiday dinners were agonizing, and often ended in tears, yelling, or my dad falling face down into his dinner plate. The stress and tension were almost like something physical, heavy, a huge weight always in the air.

My sister Erin was born when I was 8. She gave me someone to look after. I raised her,  I felt protective of her so keeping her out of harm’s way was a focus for me. As I got a little older, and learned the truth about Santa, I was able to keep the magic alive with her, and through her. Her sudden death in December of 1977 destroyed the magic of Christmas for years for me.

The joy of the holidays returned for me when I became a mom. I channeled my mom for the holidays and re-creating the magic for my kids was what brought some of that happiness back for me. My husband and I back in Ohio would take the kids every year to a lovely rural Christmas tree farm, where we would trek through deep snow, choose the perfect tree, and cut it down ourselves. I baked cookies, we strung popcorn and cranberries for our tree, I added new elements to our own personal traditions.

Then my mom died in 1991, and my dad very quickly remarried. My husband, kids, and I tried to blend in with both his new wife and her family, but it just didn’t work. It was extraordinarily painful for me. Her daughter, her granddaughter, and her family members were included in everything. We were not and it just got to the point where I couldn’t do it, and I wouldn’t put my kids through it anymore. I was labeled ungrateful and was viewed as a “bad daughter.”

Now my kids are long grown, but I still pull out all of the stops for the holidays. It makes both me and my family feel special and keeps some of that magic alive. I wouldn’t have it any other way, but I had to create my own special traditions. I kept the good pieces of my experiences, then added in other elements of what I wanted as well.

The point of this is to say that it doesn’t matter if they are “family” or not. If spending the holidays with them brings you feelings of dread, fear, panic, and triggers you, you absolutely have the right to keep you, your partner, and your children safe from that. You can say no, and they absolutely WILL NOT like it, but preserving your own sanity, mental health, and wellbeing are number one! We get so tied up in feeling like no matter what, we have a duty as children, sisters, brothers, cousins, aunts, or uncles whatever the relationship is to attend holiday family get togethers, and the truth is, we don’t. We can stand up for ourselves, we can create our own new healthy traditions! We get to do that, really, and let me tell you, it saved me and my own family from constant hurt and pain. Just because people gave birth to you, or raised you, or are related to you does not give them the right to hurt you in any way, period! It sounds simple, and I know it’s not, but wouldn’t it be nice to spend a holiday being happy, at peace, not fighting battles, arguing, or feeling attacked, put down, or dismissed! You bet it would!

You can create a plan of action, now, today on what to say. You could even write a letter, mail it if you want to. A quick call, anything to let them know you are starting your own traditions, your own memories, creating your own peace. It feels too big and hard, with a heaping helping of guilt I’m sure. But once you get the words out no matter how you choose to deliver them, it’s done. It doesn’t mean you are wrong, ungrateful, mean, hateful, or disappointing as a person. They will try and pull out all of the stops, all of the drama to make you feel that way, because that is what has worked for them in the past. Whatever awful tactics they have used before to get you to do what they want, they will try, and THEN some.

This time however, you don’t buy into it, don’t fall into that toxic trap! You created a plan of action, put it into words and yes, it will feel uncomfortable, but you know in your heart of hearts it’s right for YOU! Then you can make the holiday season into whatever you want it to be! If a holiday meal is you in your jammies watching a favorite movie, then that’s what it’ll be! Whatever you do that is right for you and yours is exactly perfect. No guilt allowed!! Think of how freeing that is!

A quick exercise you can do for yourself is to write your “Holiday Toxic Family Escape Plan” out!

Think about:

1.       Who you need to tell your plan to.

2.       When you need to tell them.

3.       How you will tell them.

4.       Start with an “I” statement. This isn’t you placing the blame or pointing a finger at them, so they can’t get defensive. This is you stating a fact, and that’s it. For example, saying something like “I have decided that this holiday, I/we will be spending it at my/our home. Or “This year I have decided we will be spending the holiday with my/our (friends, etc.). You also don’t have to explain any more than that. You are an adult, and you have made a decision, period.

Then write it out. Make it as simple and straightforward as you can. Filling it up with a lot of excuses, and detailed explanations most likely won’t help them “hear” what it is you are saying. People who have toxic traits and tendencies will only hear what they want, and excessive explanations will only feed into that unfortunately. So you have a clear plan of action, you know how they will most likely respond, but this is a safety plan for the holidays for YOU! You can really do this, I have all the faith in the world in you, I believe in you!

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, follow me, and please also share widely! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever is on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Kerri Walker, and Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, on Twitter at Kerriwalker58,  my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com, and my YouTube channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma.

Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcasts, music, and listening apps! Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!

Hey there, it’s Kerri. Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma. This is episode 41, and I’m going to take a little bit of time for a reflective moment or two with this one!

I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma and Resiliency Life Coach, a Certified Trauma Support Specialist, Advocate, and someone with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.

All right let’s dive in!

So reflections…..I turn 60 on Monday November 13^th, and this has felt pretty “big” to me. Typically my birthdays haven’t been a big deal. I think turning 40 made me stop a bit. But the fact that I was turning 60 hit me about 5 months ago.

This past year has been absolutely amazing in so many ways. I mean in December of last year, I didn’t have an organization, a website, a podcast, nothing! I have learned so many new things this year, things I never thought I would be able to get this ol’ brain damaged lady to learn! But learn I did, step by step the way I always talk to you about!

The age thing for me has a few components, marked by some of the traumas in my life. For many years, my time was marked by certain things I needed to get past. For example, my little sister passed away suddenly at 6 years old. I was terrified (irrationally of course) that my children wouldn’t be “safe” until each of them reached 7 years old. Once they passed 6 safely, I was more reassured.

For me, getting through 52 was a moment. My mom died at 52, and even though she had major chronic and complex health issues, I was (irrationally again) afraid I wouldn’t make it past 52! I did of course!

I did an interview earlier this year with Carrie Bower on her series Visible Women which looks at women and aging, how they feel about it and what concerns them regarding it. I hadn’t thought much about it until then. But as I looked at my life and what I’d gone through, some pretty significant things came up.

First of all there was the childhood trauma piece. I have this video posted to my website and it’s Dr. Nadine Burke-Harris who is the Founder of the Center for Youth Wellness and is the current Surgeon General of California. Her Ted Talk entitled “How Childhood Trauma Affects Health Across A Lifetime” was eye opening for me. She talks about the Adverse Childhood Experiences Questionnaire or ACES and what that means. Out of 10 questions, every yes gets a point.  4 or more is considered high, my score is an 8.  What struck me the most was the fact that those with a high ACES score could potentially have their life expectancy cut by 20 years! That was a bit sobering.  

Then there are the effects I have due to my burst brain aneurysm and Traumatic Brain Injury. This brings up for me the possibility of Dementia, Alzheimer’s, and Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy or CTE. According to the Alzheimer’s Association, research has indicated that those with moderate to severe Traumatic Brain Injury have in increased risk of cognitive decline or dementia.  The key studies showing an increased risk found that older adults with a history of moderate TBI had a 2.3 times greater risk of developing Alzheimer's than seniors with no history of head injury. Those with a history of severe TBI had a 4.5 times greater risk. Another sobering thought.

CTE is a progressive and fatal brain disease associated with repeated Traumatic Brain Injuries. The only way to diagnose it is to examine the brain after death. There currently is no diagnostic test available to find it in the living. This is another concern for me.

I worry more about what my children will have to deal with. After all, if I’m not aware what’s happening, I won’t know. But my children will. What will they have to deal with? What will they do with me? I laugh and tell my son who lives close to me here in Phoenix that he “gets” me when I’m older, but what kind of a burden will that be for him?

On the flip side of this coin is the fact that in spite of all I’ve been through, I’ve survived, I’m still here. Every day that I wake up, I practice my gratitude routine. I am extraordinarily grateful for every moment. When I’m struggling ( as we all do) I bring my thoughts around to that fact. I take my moments as gracefully as I can, and think about all I’ve done, and all I’ve learned. I am so very fortunate to be able to do what I’m doing, helping others, and learning how to spread my wings at 60! It really goes to show that it doesn’t matter how old you are as long as you never stop learning, growing, expanding your horizons. Don’t ever stop being open to new ideas and what life has to offer you.

I am also grateful to all of YOU! Those who listen to my show, follow me, support me, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I wouldn’t be where I am this moment without you!

Thanks for allowing me this time today and for listening and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, follow me, and again share widely! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever is on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Kerri Walker, and Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, on Twitter at Kerriwalker58,  my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com, and my YouTube channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma.

Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcasts, music, and listening apps! Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!

This is week 40, and I'm taking a self-care break this week, but please this week visit my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com, my YouTube page for past episodes, news, and events!

In this episode, I talk with Sammie Bennett who is an author, writer, and creator and lives in Winter Garden, Florida with her two kids and husband. She loves chai lattes, PBS Masterpiece shows, and walks with her wild dog. She is also a survivor of childhood trauma and hopes her stories and poems speak to other survivors. Link to Sammie's beautiful book on Amazon!

In this episode, we talk about how brain injury can happen when we are in an abusive relationship.

In this episode, continuing to highlight October as Domestic Violence Awareness Month, we talk about the importance of safety planning when either staying in or planning to leave an abusive relationship.

In keeping with October's theme of Domestic Violence Awareness month, in this episode, we talk about self-compassion, self-forgiveness as survivors of abuse.