WE HURT WHEN THEY HURT
One of the hardest things about being a parent or a teacher is watching your teens suffer. Whether it’s disappointment in a grade they earned or challenges with friends, or when your teens fail, it just sucks when they hurt.
But here’s the issue. If we don’t dig any further than that, we could do our teens more harm than good. Here’s why.
I don’t know if you guys recall the Biosphere 2 Experiment (1991 - 1993), but a story came out of it that I still find fascinating and so applicable.
AN EPIC FAIL
The trees in the Biosphere grew at a fantastic rate – much more quickly than in the earth’s normal conditions. But what the scientists didn’t realize – until the trees started toppling and dying – is that they hadn’t developed the kind of wood they need – stress wood – to survive. Why not? Because they had not experienced any wind. It takes the pressure of strong winds to help trees develop deep root systems and the strength they need to survive and thrive.
I’m letting that sink in for a sec. It takes STRESS for trees to develop resiliency.
You can see where I’m headed with this, I hope?
The same thing is true with our teens!
YOU WIN SOME YOU LEARN SOME
If we, like the biosphere – a place that was literally a bubble – protect and insulate our teens and try to create the perfect atmosphere for them, it might actually impede their growth and set them up for a fall.
I’m going to challenge you to think about your own life for a second here. Name 3 of the times in your life when you’ve grown or learned the most. Quick – right off the top of your head.
I’m going to go out on a limb – sorry about all the tree metaphors today! – and say that at least one, probably more, came from a painful or at the very least challenging, season. Maybe even one that was a result of some kind of failure on your part. And if that’s not true for you, I’d seriously love to hear from you. Truly – DM me on FB or IG and let me know your story.
Anyhoo, I think that learning things the hard way – going on the field trip, so to speak – creates the most lasting lessons.
LOGIC VS. INSTINCT
Which means that when we protect our teens from failure, we’re stunting their growth and keeping them from some valuable life lessons.
Which is super-easy to say, when I’m in my right mind, talking to you with my whole brain engaged, including my very logical and mature prefrontal cortex.
But in those moments of stress, when teens are hurting because of failure or rejection? All bets are off.
Which means, if I want to teach and parent in a way that reflects my values, I have to come up with a plan ahead of time. And that’s what I want to share with you guys today.
It’s better teaching and parenting when you allow your teens to fail.
WHY IT’S BETTER TO LET TEENS FAIL
I realize some of you may need convincing, so I want to address a couple more things before I dive into that planning.
To Fail is Human
First, I think it goes without saying that as humans, failure is part of our experience. If we can embrace the idea that there are going to be failures, setbacks, and disappointments, then we can help our teens navigate those seasons – without rescuing them.
DON’T Suck it Up, Buttercup
Second, I’m not suggesting that we throw our teens to the wolves, or even have a “suck it up buttercup” mentality. I think it’s important to acknowledge that it is challenging to let our kids walk through pain, even knowing the benefit. And “not rescuing” and “letting them fail” are NOT the same things as not helping them.
Better Now Than Later
Which brings me to my third point: one of the biggest reasons I’m comfortable with letting my teens fail and suffer while they’re with me, is that if I don’t, when they do experience it (and remember, it’s a given) then it will be when I’m not around to help them through it. Letting them fail now means that I’m with them, pacing the sidelines as everything unfolds and coaching them.
Plus, failing now is not going to have the same level consequences for our teens as when they’re adults. Failure is relatively low-risk - the stakes only get higher and higher the older you get.
STRATEGIES TO STOP RESCUING THEM AND START LETTING YOUR TEENS FAIL
So, having said all that, here are some things you can do as you let things hit the fan with your teens.
Work to create a proactive plan
This is not you, springing this on your teen. It’s you carefully communicating what responsibilities are theirs, and what are yours – and sticking to those boundaries. Here are some of the things that we’ve laid out for our teens in the Kelly house.
Our teens have to:
- wake up on their own
- make their own school lunches, or choose to buy from the cafeteria (and if they choose to buy, it’s their responsibility to let me know when they need money added to their accounts.
- do their own laundry
- keep track of their own homework/assignments/tests/extracurriculars and managing their schedules
- keep Philip and I informed of anything that might impact our family’s schedules - we have a family calendar where they are responsible for recording anything like performances, meetings, permission slip due dates, etc.
Don’t jump in to fix things
Be there to listen to them and empathize with whatever they’re going through
Ask open-ended questions to guide them in how to handle the situation
Talk to them - when it’s not in the heat of the moment – about how to advocate for themselves, especially in things like holding boundaries with friends, talking to teachers when there is an issue or conflict, and how to handle relationship struggles
Build in some grace and flexibility
Keep in mind that we all make mistakes, and plan for it. For us, we give our teens 1 time a year where we’ll bring forgotten homework to school, and we also give them 1 mental health day a year. I know that may be controversial for some educators and parents out there, but I know my teens – they’re conscientious and they work hard. If I thought that was something they’d take advantage of it wouldn’t be an option. But even as adults, we need the occasional mental health day, so I’m okay with it.
Carefully choose when you are and when you are not going to give reminders. A good litmus test is to ask: is this characteristic of my teen? If the answer is no, a gentle reminder might be in order. If the answer is yes, it might be better to bite your tongue, even if you can see the writing on the wall about the consequence they’ll face.
Don’t rub your hands, eagerly awaiting an opportunity to teach a lesson
This is not a “GOTCHA!” strategy. It’s about taking small steps towards independence and coaching your teens along the way.
Having said that, if you notice that there’s an area where your teen needs to grow, this can be a great way to help them along. You can set up opportunities for them to practice being in charge of themselves, and stick to your boundaries.
Be prepared for push back
It is developmentally appropriate for teens to question your rules and your rhyme and reason for them. This strategy is no different. And it’s also developmentally appropriate for teens to push and prod to see if you really mean what you’re saying. And they’ll pull out their full arsenal to do it.
So be prepared for the big guns when you’re making these kinds of changes. It’s going to be uncomfortable, not only because change is in general, but because a change to taking full, personal responsibility in areas where Mom and Dad have previously held it – that has the potential to rock their worlds.
When you experience that pushback, remember that you’re in this for the long-term growth of your teens, not the short-term comfort. It’s really hard when they’re arguing that they can’t walk to school because they’re going to get very sick, just look, Mom, I’ve already got a runny nose!
Empathize Instead of Rescuing
It’s highly likely they’ll try to push responsibility back on your plate – why can’t you drive me? I don’t have a clean uniform for the game – the coach will be really mad if I can’t play because you didn’t wash my uniform!
A good rule of thumb in those situations is to empathize with them but keep from rescuing them.
“Oh man, I hate that you didn’t get up in enough time for me to give you a ride. It really stinks that you have to walk to school. Let’s make sure you have an extra sweatshirt to wear.” Or “I imagine your coach will be really upset about your dirty uniform. That’s going to be hard. What’s your plan for telling him why you didn’t get it done?”
You get the idea – this is not you vs. them – it’s them vs. their responsibilities.
Okay, those are the 5 things (plus one bonus!) you can do to help your teens fail. Create a plan, don’t fix things, build in some grace, don’t delight in teaching them a lesson, be ready for push back, empathize instead of rescuing.
HOW FAR IS TOO FAR IN LETTING TEENS FAIL?
And there’s one more thing I want to touch on here. A question that comes up around this is how far do I let this go? And I can’t answer that, because only you know your teens. You have to be very aware of what will be more harmful than good as far as their failures are concerned. I think the secret to the letting-them-fail-strategy is this: it’s more about empowering them to become more independent and better self-advocates than it is about letting them experience pain. We know that the bottom line is that, like the trees in the biosphere, it’s going to take some stress for our teens to grow strong and resilient. But that doesn’t mean abandoning them to a hurricane. There will be some times when it is appropriate to step in for them. You have to decide which ones those are, based on what’s characteristic of your teen.
Knowing your teen is something I talked about in Episode 5 of the podcast – there’s a link to it in my show notes if you’d like to check it out.
