My Life as a Flog (Week Forty-One)

Holy shit balls, it's actually FINALLY done and it's all feeling a little bit weird as I type this description. The creation and recording of this podcast has taken me almost an entire year to complete, in fact, at the time of writing this I'm just 12 days away from my birthday, which will mark a full year having passed from when I dropped the very first episode that I recorded with my parents. So for this final episode, I flew back to my home town of Adelaide (with a hideous cold, apologies for how snotty I sound, just be thankful you missed me coughing up all sorts which was naturally edited out) to surprise my parents for their 53rd wedding anniversary in May and also forced them to sit down and endure my final week of diary entries. Over the final 8 pages of my Collins Diary entries, I record details of my very first Christmas without my family, which I obviously celebrated whilst enduring the searing heat of the Pilbara. Obviously teenage me is not gonna chuck a sad about it, apparently it was rather great, but my Mum does throw in a little naaaw about it when it pops up in the reading, and also manages to drop a hilarious comment about what she might have been doing on that day in 1989 too. I also play a brand new board game, miss seeing all of the movie 'Rain Man', thank to the threat of video library late fee deadlines. I also get to witness more Dave and Avril domestics, get to muck around on a computer, which confuses the hell out of my parents and I plus there’s my final entry for New Years Eve, written the following day obviously, because I was totes inebriated as my diary entry for that day will attest. Then it's a handful of thanks and it's all over, just like that, meh it's kind of sad but also totally rewarding. I've gotta say that the entire process of creating and uploading this podcast over the last year has proved to be a life saving endeavour that truly kept me distracted through repeated lockdowns of the Covid outbreak dramas that Melbourne experienced throughout 2020 and '21, who knows what's next, but fingers crossed we all come out the other side healthy and happy. Once again, thanks so much to YOU for making the commitment to listen to this podcast each time I dropped an episode, and thanks to everyone who sent me words of encouragement, or shared it with their friends or family. I truly love and adore you and for the final time I'm lllllllovin' you from here, check ya later, see ya, byeeeeeee.

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Yes, before there was the Social Network, there was me, thousands of kilometres from home in the rural mining town of Karratha, bitching and moaning about all of the things, hence the Bitching Network for the name of this episode. Much of it seems to be directed at those that work above me, in particular my boss Neville and my roomie and fellow announcer Mark. I can't apologise to Mark enough for the sassy entries I wrote about him, it's clearly teenage immaturity at its peak and probably inspired by jealousy of his position and connection to the blokes of the office, which he naturally had because he'd worked there well before I arrived and already had established friendships with them. Also I was a moody little flog, so no wonder I wasn't getting along with those in power, I'm impressed they endured my bitching and moaning for so long. To help me through this episode, and monitor my sulking throughout, my bestie Michelle (aka Mish Mash...ya huh that nickname is another Benjamin creation too) joins me to talk how we survived the HR free period of the 90's whilst working at 96FM in Perth. This weeks worth of diary entries covers off me doing a fuckery load of work, which no doubt I'll be bitching about. Then there's all that jealousy I mentioned before, which begins with me having to deal with accepting that my co-worker and radio announcing roomie Dave moving on from Karratha, then there's the digs at Mark to work through, so expect even more sass from this little princess. I also become an editing guru, but it’s got nothing to do with radio, I’m bored over and over again, plus I’m even more keen to move on to my next radio station. There’s also another disaster for me to comment on, and the ultimate in 80’s banking technology comes into my life thanks to a touch tone telephone. So get prepped for some quality 80's reminiscing and some truly loose stories from behind the scenes of radio, from back when it was a little bit more hectic and gung-ho.

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The title of this episode doesn't bode well, but I figure if you're this far in, you're hardly going to give up with ONLY 3 more episodes left to go...right? Also if you've been following this podcast from the beginning, you'll already be well across the fact that teenage me was really shit at recording anything of any great interest in my diary, but that hasn't stopped me and my besties from having fun. This time around I've pulled in my bestie Donna (aka My Doona, yes I also created that nickname for her...duh) who's been a buddy of mine ever since we worked together at 96fm in Perth during the early 90's. Together we'll cover off teenage me on the hunt in Karratha for Christmas presents to purchase and pack off for mailing to my parents in Adelaide. Who leaves Xmas postage this late you ask, apparently I do, but in my younger selves defence, Australia Post were pretty efficient in the 80's, unless they were spilling oil on Country Road suits that is. Obviously there’s also gifts I gotta give myself, because of course I do, way to be self absorbed mate. I also get kidnapped, which sounds very dramatic, but most certainly isn't. I stupidly wear black clothing in 40 plus heat and nearly pass out, plus I get a bike, get depressed, get jealous, get in a visit to Indoor Cricket AND sn under 18's disco and we wrap up with me getting my groove on under the table at a Chinese restaurant, whilst also experiencing Karaoke (not what I call it in the diary) for the very first time. That kind of blows my mind, who knew the technology to amplify drunk idiots, as they sung along to popular tunes, was already in use in 1989, and all the way up in Karratha as well. Thank goodness this teenage drunk idiot managed to actually write down something interesting. Not so dull after all huh, so plug in and get around the low key excitement I've now instilled in you. 

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While recording this episode with my bestie Lisa (aka Boofie or even Bou-ffon-tee if you're feeling extra and wanna rock her full nickname) we came across an entry where teenage me happened to record a glowing memory of a lunch at the Karratha Tavern where I shoved a Chicken Kiev into my mouth hole that was filled with garlic prawns AND had them on top too. Anyway Lisa dropped a casual "aaawww good old Chicken Kevin" and obviously I was totes in love with that renaming so we overworked it throughout the rest of our chat. Once we were done recording Lisa suggested the name Chicken Kevin had to be used in the episode title, and because I'm obsessed with trying to name each episode after a famous movie title, I naturally had to force it into my choice, hence the name of this episode. Aside from us joking about the name of Chicken Kievs, there's also an entire weeks worth of stupidly early wake ups for various reasons, most of them rudely delivered. I spend up big at the stupid-market, and the shopping continues throughout the week, there's also media parties for me to ignore, apparently they were dead to me, so I actually refused to go, who even does that? There’s also way too many domestic duties to do, a bunch of bitching to be had, plus guilt forces me to do favours for friends, which naturally backfires. There's also a Country Road suit that gets ruined by Australia Post, and I attend a BMX presentation that I decide to shit all over, mostly because I’m clearly easily bored. So settle in for a full feeding of my usual this and that and no actual details or information that you'd naturally expect me to offer up...so everything is standard. 

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Yaas, finally, after weeks of teasing my very first holiday back to Adelaide, (remember all those useless numbers recorded on every page of my Collins Diary counting it down?) well it's finally arrived. We open this episode on the very last day before I jump on a plane and head home to my family and friends for 3 whole weeks. Obviously things don't go smoothly, there's two items I can't even find when it comes time to pack my bags, and one of them is JagMen related, so you can imagine how much teenage me lost his tiny, feeble, self obsessed mind. Naturally we need to start things off with my besties for this episode and it's a double shot with the return of TWO of my longest serving friends from my Karratha days, MJ (aka Mary the Babysitter who made her debut on Episode 7) and Natalie who sold me all of the things from JagMen clothes, to Stussy sunglasses and Swatch watches, while working behind the counter at Om Bazaar (first introduced in Episode 18). Together with me, we'll work through the meltdown before I depart for Adelaide, the 3 weeks of holidays where I filled out each and EVERY page of my diary by scrawling HOLIDAYS in capital letters, and discover what happened on arrival back in my home town. Once the holiday is over, it's back to Karratha to offer up my apologies for my lack of diary entries while I was away, then there’s the return to work, me not wanting to be on air but doing it anyway, such a trooper. I also do my holiday washing, get invited to a party, but no one tells me where it's actually being held, and it was Natalie that offered up the invite so we'll see what she has to say about that, plus there’s also horror of all horrors, more on air stuff ups, go figure. There's also a LOT of chat about how loose we were in the 80's and probably a very clear example of why most of us don't drink anymore too. So prepare for more teenage meh and ridiculousness, sprinkled with a lesson about alcohol abuse, which mostly just means we tell a bunch of horrendous stories about how messy we were, such fun, enjoy.

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The last time my former radio co-workers and besties Jessica and Taris joined me for this podcast was episode thirty eight. Together they had to endure teenage me trying to jazz up my diary entries by adopting ridiculous written accents and pretending I was a Russian spy, an LA surfer dude and even a variety of animals. It was deeply ridiculous and totes embarrassing, but that seems to be a recurring theme of this entire diary, so expect more of that in this episode. We also talk how little we were paid during our radio careers, delve into more Apricot Chicken chat and reminisce about the drugs we sampled in the 90's, it's a bumper issue. Inside the diary I apparently unearth an empty beer can dumping site...really close to home. My radio roomie Dave and his girlfriend Avril recover from their party blowout and start patching things up, but that doesn't stop me from going to town and recording my thoughts and feels about seeing my very first angry drunk dude. Unsurprisingly I’m judgemental as fuck, so huzzah for reliving my brutal 20 year old honesty. It’s also my final week before I fly home to Adelaide, or do I bus, or do I do a bit of both? You'll have to wait until the next episode for the answer to that one, but before I depart my boss Neville calls me into his office for a talking to, plus here’s carpet glue to sniff, sore backs to deal with and I forgot to organise my holiday pay, idiot...but also standard really. You'll also get an abundance of time keeping, more diary entries written at stupid o'clock in the morning and a liberal sprinkling of bitching and moaning as we've all come to expect from teenage me, so plug your headphones in or turn up the volume on your speakers and dive in to the banality at your earliest convenience.

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I know there's only a few more weeks of diary entries left on this podcast, but I really do wish I could actually really travel back in time to 1989 and give the younger version of myself a good shaking and the heads up that everything I'm focussing on in this diary of mine is largely boring and there's so many moments when you could have made this whole thing way more engaging and entertaining. Sadly that's never going to happen, so here we are offering up more useless crap. Thankfully my bestie and former roomie Marie Anne, aka MAK, is back to help ridicule me and remind me over and over again of the moments where it seems so obvious I could go into detail, but clearly I decided not to. Coming up there's a sudden blackout to deal with while I'm on air, which means I better be bloody good at learning how to kickstart a generator in pitch black surrounds. I also get a tarot reading, but keep all its secrets and learnings to myself. I'll reluctantly chew my way through a rather hairy and very piggy smelling serving of roast pork, plus there’s outside broadcasts to do, a script to voice that I don’t even understand, and I invite some random guys visiting from Retravision Perth to a party at the radio station share house, because of course I do, such a little keeno, why the fuck do I do that?? Weirdly when the party finally arrives things get hectic, there’s a split lip to deal with, plus Dave and his girlfriend Avril get their drink on, break up and call off their engagement, thankfully I’m there so I can spend my time wondering how all of this will effect me, or if it will delay my holiday, so thoughtful and mature. So take a deep breath and join us as we wade through a stack of meh and the usual incompetence.

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I'm SUCH a flog throughout this weeks worth of diary entries, I know, who would think I could possibly be more foggy than I've already been, then again, aren't most of us just out and out flogs left, right and centre when we're teenagers and twenty somethings? Trust me, we totally are. Fortunately I'm joined by my bestie Yvie for this episode and she is well versed in my flogtastic pursuits having been my bestie since the early 90's in Perth. Together we'll work through my reaction to news of a horrific hot air balloon accident, which unsurprisingly I manage to make all about myself, seems pretty standard by now. The pilots strike inspires me to ask the deep questions, like are we even the lucky country anymore...really? Yes really, I also find another opportunity to praise talkback radio host John Laws, ewwww just stop dude, and it would seem all these flight dramas trigger some depression and I get snappy and say nasty things to the people I work with, soooo much floginess. Trust me when I say that I'm not even detailing ALL of the utter whack stuff I do within this weeks diary entries, you're in for another hectic but largely boring ride littered with moments of flog throughout. I also audition to be the voice of a mining company, I know blurk, who even was I? I also get served a bunch of bunghole as someone decides to flash me their butt while I’m talking live on air so there's that visual to process too. The fact that I still remember said butt in detail really upsets me when I think about all the things I've actually forgotten. So my deepest apologies for what you're about to experience but promise there's giggles to be had within.

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