Why Can’t I Decide? – Threshold of Brilliance – Episode 25 – January 15, 2024

Whether it is the menu, the movie, or a major life choice – sometimes navigating options feels like navigating a minefield. We freeze, overthink, and ultimately end up with, well, nothing. Indecision, that frustrating paralysis of choice, seems to be an unwelcome companion in our modern world. But why are we so susceptible to its grip? Indecision is the antithesis of our last podcast on resolutions, but it is very real. 

The four horsemen of indecision are:

1.     Fear

2.     Analysis Paralysis

3.     Lack of confidence, and

4.     Unclear values.

Fear of making the wrong choice, of missing out, or of the potential consequences can send us spiraling into inaction.

We overthink, procrastinate, ponder every "what if," ultimately ending up with information overload and no decision made.

It's not just our internal demons. The world throws its own curveballs. An abundance of options, often conflicting information, and even pressure from others can fuel the indecision fire. With so much swirling around us, how do we even know what we truly want?      

Transcript Summary:

The conversation was an exploration of the multifaceted costs and impacts of indecision. They drew attention to the prevalence of indecision in various aspects of life, from everyday choices like dinner options to significant business decisions. The discussion delved into the psychological and practical implications of indecision, shedding light on its role in causing stress, anxiety, and missed opportunities. By examining the effects on relationships, business productivity, and personal growth, the discussion underscored the pervasive and detrimental nature of indecision, emphasizing the need to understand and address the underlying factors contributing to this challenge.

The speakers also discussed the complex nature of decision-making, exploring the internal struggles individuals face, emphasizing the need to feel valued and the impact of fear and self-worth on decision-making processes. Additionally, they explored external factors such as pressure from others, choice overload, and the influence of tribes on decision-making. The conversation shed light on the psychological and societal influences that shape individuals' ability to make decisions.

Finally, they discussed the importance of reframing failure as a valuable learning experience and highlights the potential for personal and professional development through embracing and learning from mistakes. They also had a candid discussion about productivity, personal satisfaction, and health, emphasizing the significance of listener feedback on their podcast and website. They discussed potential topics for future sessions, including limiting beliefs and the concept of resentments fueling them, as well as the forgiveness framework for overcoming such beliefs.

Key Questions

·       What are some of the costs and impacts of indecision?

·       How do we overcome our battles with indecision?

·       What are some of the factors involved externally in indecision?

·       What new stories can we develop around resentments to serve us well and make us the hero?

What are some of the costs and impacts of indecision?

Stress, anger, divorce, job loss, ulcers, business failures, lost opportunities, being stuck in the same place we’ve always been – all can be direct impact from the unwillingness to make a decision. – John

How do we overcome our battles with indecision?

When we are clear on our values and purpose become easy to make. Fear, uncertainty and doubt stop us, clarity eliminates those. – Brad

Decisions drain our willpower – ego depletion – simplify our choices – too many options make it harder to decide and deplete us faster – John

What are some of the factors involved internally in indecision?

The brain wants to save energy and making decisions burns extra energy – Brad

Biases, overthinking, lack of clarity of values, all make us hesitant to decide – Brad

The highest need for human beings, even about food, water, air and love, is the need to be seen, heard, and valued. The fear of making a wrong decision, one that makes us feel we look stupid or foolish because we fear that will diminish us in one of those areas, and it can make it almost impossible to make any decision. – John

What are some of the external factors involved in indecision?

Too many choices can paralyze us – Brad

Unpredictable circumstances, and volatile environments freeze us – Brad

Not getting enough input makes it harder to decide –- Brad

Having only one choice makes choosing easier. Having 10 choices makes it more difficult. Having 1000 choices, can make it impossible to choose. – John

The tech available to us today can overwhelm before we get started – John

The complexity of today’s world that makes making decisions so much more difficult, often times drives us into tribes. We’re thinking, I can’t make a decision, so I’m going to join the tribe who I know all the members think like me. That way I know I can’t make a wrong choice cause it’s a choice everybody else made. Tribe gives us confidence even as it robs us of real choice – John

There really no such thing as failure, as long as you learn from the choice you made – John

F.A.I.L. = First Attempt In Learning – Brad

IDEO innovation process

To resolve or not? Part Two – Threshold of Brilliance – Episode 24 – January 8, 2024 – Show Notes:

We are in 2024. For the 37% who set resolutions, it is time for us once again determine our resolve. This exercise for most is about our intent of what we know we ‘should do’ even though only 8% will maintain or attain those goals by the end of the year. Unfortunately, when we fall short of our resolutions a couple of times, we tend to end up not taking them seriously. We halfheartedly set a resolution, but in the back of our minds, we don’t expect to keep them. And that can be an opportunity missed.

It is interesting for those in business we all know how important goal setting is. However, we have been disillusioned by doing it for ourselves, especially if we don’t achieve them. Having not achieved our goals, most of us try to make it a joke and decide not set resolutions. The top one this year is improved physical fitness, followed closely by improved finances and mental health according to Forbes. At the bottom of the rung in the study: perform better at work, drink less alcohol, and meditate more.

The definition of resolution is an act of finding an answer or solution to a conflict, problem, etc. : the act of resolving something. Most of us do that on a regular basis. Yet, most of us struggle to set or keep resolutions.  Join us as we discuss to resolve or not.

1.     Are there things that we can do to achieve our goals?

a.     Be realistic – Brad

b.     Be specific – Brad

c.     Determine your  “Why?” – Brad

d.     Celebrate the journey – Brad

e.     Don’t overestimate your willpower – Brad

f.      Examine your self-talk – Brad

g.     Track your progress – Brad

h.     Be realistic about your environment – life can disrupt – Brad

i.      Work with a mentor or coach – Brad

j.      Play big – John

k.     It’s about who you are being, even when nobody is looking – John

l.      Don’t worry about the how, the how will reveal itself to you when you have set a goal that fulfills your vision for your life – John

m.   Understand that you bring into existence “possibility” when you set a goal
(4-minute mile) – John

n.     Know there is no such thing as failure, as long as you learn something from your efforts that didn’t achieve your goal (Greta Thuneberg on climate change)– John

o.     Make what impact you can, in the moment you can, the way that you can, and keep stepping forward one day at a time – John

p.     Be resilient – Brad

q.     When you stop being small for yourself, you can start being big for the world – John

a.     For me, that’s this question, best by looking at the answers I just gave to our previous question. If you don’t have a vision for your life, and how you wanna be in the world, you’re not gonna make any goal stick for very long. The goals you set need to be in alignment with who you are at your core, and that means your fundamental vision for how you want your life to unfold. If it’s not in alignment, you won’t achieve it. This is really understanding what you want to do in the world, what do you want to make happen? When you understand that, and have it in the context of your life vision, you’re much more likely to attain it. And if you’re clear on both of these, then, one of the little voices that we all have start, shooting us down, we’re much more likely to be able to find a way to shut down those voices and make our goal, our resolution, much more likely to be achieved.

To resolve or not? Part One – Threshold of Brilliance – Episode 24 – January 1, 2024 – Show Notes:

We are in 2024. For the 37% who set resolutions, it is time for us once again determine our resolve. This exercise for most is about our intent of what we know we ‘should do’ even though only 8% will maintain or attain those goals by the end of the year. Unfortunately, when we fall short of our resolutions a couple of times, we tend to end up not taking them seriously. We halfheartedly set a resolution, but in the back of our minds, we don’t expect to keep them. And that can be an opportunity missed.

It is interesting for those in business we all know how important goal setting is. However, we have been disillusioned by doing it for ourselves, especially if we don’t achieve them. Having not achieved our goals, most of us try to make it a joke and decide not set resolutions. The top one this year is improved physical fitness, followed closely by improved finances and mental health according to Forbes. At the bottom of the rung in the study: perform better at work, drink less alcohol, and meditate more.

The definition of resolution is an act of finding an answer or solution to a conflict, problem, etc. : the act of resolving something. Most of us do that on a regular basis. Yet, most of us struggle to set or keep resolutions.  Join us as we discuss to resolve or not.

1.     Why should we set resolutions?

·       In Alice in Wonderland, when Alice asks the Chesire Cat “Which way I ought to go from here?”
The Cheshire Cat replies, “That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.”
Alice says, “I don't much care where.”
The Cheshire Cat tells her, “Then it doesn't much matter which way you go.”
Alice, “...So long as I get somewhere.”
The Cheshire Cat smiles and says, “Oh, you're sure to do that, if only you walk long enough.” 

·      A resolution is about being specific in deciding where you want to go. – Brad.

·      What you get by achieving your goal is not as important as what you become in achieving your goal. – Zig Ziglar.

·      If our resolutions are flippantly set with little thought and little real commitment to following through on them, we probably shouldn’t set a resolution. But a resolution that is followed up with some discipline and determination, is an opportunity to reset, and achieve, a concern or a goal that we’ve struggled with. – JOHN

·      BE-DO-HAVE model – Steven Covey

·      Who we want to become should inform what resolutions we make – John

2.     Why do we struggle to keep resolutions?

a.     Rules for the direction of the mind. – Descartes

b.     Rules of the mind that pertain to making and keeping -- Brad

                             i.     Your mind is hardwired to resist what is unfamiliar and return to what is familiar

                           ii.     Each time you start taking a new path, that resistance is lowered.

                          iii.     What is expected tends to be realized

c.      We are not very good at setting attainable goals, or obtaining the goals that we set. I think it really comes down to not knowing how to think about the goals, along ourselves to come, distracted from the goals, and not being fully committed to attaining them. – John

d.     Not Being the person who takes the actions to attain the goal – John

e.     If your resolutions do not fit in the context of the vision, you have for your life, you’ll struggle to take them. – John

3.     What are some questions we should ask ourselves before setting resolutions?

a.     What is my Why for wanting to achieve that goal? Or why is our core values, if we don’t set resolutions within the context of record values, we will struggle to keep them. – Brad

b.     Find your Why – Simon Sinek

c.     We tend to not look at our strengths and weaknesses, when we set goals, or resources available to us, and they can make it very hard to achieve our goals- -- Brad

d.     I’m working on my own set of resolutions and changes that I want to bring about in 2024, and I think the basic questions I ask myself might be useful for our listeners.

1.     First I ask myself what is my vision?

2.     Second I ask, how do I express that vision in my life this year, or another way putting that is, what do I want?

3.     Third, I ask myself what is the problem that I’m likely to run into in attaining that goal? Hint, here – usually, actually, always, the problem comes in how I think about what I want and what might get in the way. That little voice is usually the biggest problem, so I’m looking at what is the limiting belief that is attached to a training, but I want? To change my goal, it usually amounts to dropping my resistance to it. Another words shutting down the little voice before it shuts down the attainment of my goals.

Letting Go – Threshold of Brilliance – Episode 22 – December 18 2023

INTRO:

Last episode we talked about the illusion of Control, a self-defeating crutch we learned from our childhood. Why is it so difficult to let go of our past? For many it is a need to control and eliminate uncertainty. Certainty is one of the Six Human Needs: Love/Connection, Variety, Significance, Certainty, Growth, and Contribution. Others would add: Safety, The first four needs and safety are necessary for survival and a successful life. We need to feel certain about what’s next so we can avoid pain and, ideally, find some comfort in our lives. And letting go means stepping into the unknown. 

Another reason it’s so difficult to learn how to let go of the past is our link to emotion of information. When there is still emotion tied to a memory, moving on from the past becomes increasingly difficult. A person with a highly feminine core will attach emotion more to things that has caused them pain or suffering and wants to fill up and gather. While a highly masculine person does not care and feel things as deeply but wants to break through and let go.

What is this all costing us? How do we loosen our grip so we can move forward in a healthier, happier way?

1.     Why is it so hard to let go?

2.     How to let go of emotion habits?

3.     How can we condition our mind to let go?

4.     What are some ways to let go?

SHOW NOTES:

1.     Why is it so hard to let go?

a.     We grow accustomed to certain emotions. We build habits that ingrain emotions in us, even negative ones. Our brain loves loops, patterns and habits, and that makes it hard to let go. – Brad

b.     We need to shift emotional habits from negative to a more positive experience, and it’s not easy. -- Brad

c.     We instantly make up and record a story about whatever we experience means at the same time we are recording the experience itself. Because we recorded them at the same time, we tend to believe, without question, that the story we made up is true. If it’s true, how can we let it go? The terror we know feels safer than the unknown we don’t know. – John

2.     How do we    let go of emotion habits?

a.     50% of our perceptions are not the truth, recognizing that is the first step. The second step is reflecting on it and asking, “How much is this costing me?” – Bard

b.     Recognize that when our thoughts cause us pain or suffering, they aren’t true. We made up the story that goes with the experience, that means we can make up a new story to attach to the experience. – John

c.     Some bad habit of negative emotions are harder to let go than others, they are often ones founded inside a resentment that keeps reeling us back in. One way to start letting go is to look for the gift hidden inside that resentment -- “Whole Human Framework” course by David Bayer

3.     How can we condition our mind to let go?

a.     Letting go is a vital step in personal growth and emotional well-being. – Brad

b.     Three things: -- Brad

                                               i.     Acknowledging and accepting our emotions and

                                             ii.     Challenging our negative thoughts.

                                            iii.     Focusing on forgiveness        

1.     It’s not about condoning the actions of others, it’s about releasing yourself from the burden of anger and resentment

                                            iv.     Practicing mindfulness and being non-judgemental

                                              v.     Seeking help – a coach can help you go through the process faster

c.     It takes making ourselves conscious of the stories we are making up, and actively changing them in the moment. The more we practice, the faster we see the story, the sooner we can change the negative ones to positive ones, the easier it becomes to do. – John

4.     What are some ways to let go?

a.     Repetition. In reality, on average it is 66 days of conscious work to change a bad habit. You diminish it over time by opting to think about it differently. – Brad

b.     Meditation and calming the mind. – Brad

c.     The wealthiest people spend at least 30 minutes per day on self-care. How much time do you spend in self-care every day? – Brad  

d.     Take responsibility and practice self-compassion – Brad  

e.     Take pauses throughout the day, and especially before you go to bed, to think about the stories, the meanings, you made up about your experiences. If a story makes you feel bad, immediately seek a new story to replace it with. After a while, it becomes a habit. – John

f.      Think WWJD – What Would Jesus Do? – Use the same approach. In the moment, look how your thought and habit made you feel. If the thought made you feel bad, it’s not true. The trick is to catch that though in-the-moment and change it then. – John

g.     If what made me feel bad is not true, then the opposite must be true. – John

h.     The more often you can catch yourself in a negative habit, and changing the emotion behind it, the better you get at transforming those bad habits. – John

The Illusion of Control – Threshold of Brilliance – Episode 22 – Dec 4 2023 – Intro & Show Notes

Control is an illusion based in needs and insecurities we learned in our childhood.. We want it, we seek it, but most times, we only think we have control. Finding we actually can’t control most things is a major reason for stress. We act to change and control our lives, yet, most times, we find we cannot control what happens to us. The only things we have any control over are our attitudes, our responses, and our mindsets. The harder we try to have control over our situations, the less power we seem to have, our only real control is how we view what happens.

Our controller nature is really a saboteur of ourselves and others. It attempts to bend other’s actions into our own will. It can generate high anxiety and impatience and can run the gambit from micromanaging to my way or the highway. In the Controller’s worldview, you are either in control or out of control. A controller allows you to get short-term results but in the long run it generates resentment in others and prevents them from exercising and developing their own fullest capabilities. Its lie is that you need the Controller to generate the best results from the people around you.

Control also feels good because it makes us believe that we aren't under someone else's control. However, living in a controlling environment can be exhausting and often damaging to your mental health. Ultimately, being a controller, is the ultimate illusion.

1.     Why does wanting control happen?

2.     What’s behind that causes us to desire control?

3.     What accompanies control that takes us out as well.

4.     Can we get rid of this controlling nature? How?

SHOW NOTES:

1.     Why does wanting control happen?

a.     We want the world to be the way we think it should be – Brad

b.      Feeling like we have control creates the feeling we have safety. We believe that, if we don’t have control, how can we be safe? – John   

c.     A-E-I-O-U

                                               i.     A = Attitude – we can control our attitude

                                             ii.     E = Excellence – we can control whether or not we’re working in excellence

                                           iii.     I = Initiative – we can control whether or not we’re going to take the intiative

                                            iv.     O = Own It – we can control to own our actions, or choose not to own it and lose control

                                             v.     U = Unwavering – we can choose to become unwavering in each of these

d.      We believe that if we can control things, we can be safe, and that’s an illusion – John

e.     Feeling the need for control is part of our fight-or-flight response, we needed to analyze and make life and death decisions instantaneously in order to survive – John

f.      Today the world is more complex and overwhelming, but the threats are not really life or death anymore, yet we still feel like we need to be in control in order to feel safe – John

2.     What’s behind that causes us to desire control?

a.     The oldest part of the brain, the amygdala, the part that analyzed threats when there were saber tooth tigers to worry about, is there to protect us. It assumes we are either in control, or out of control. – Brad  

b.     When the amygdala feels we are out of control, it shuts downs most bodily functions other that freeze, fight, or flight. – Brad

c.     The need for control is rooted in certainty. The first step in changing that is to recognize when you’re in that situation.  – Brad

d.     When the amygdala is running things, you’re not living in full human capacity. Your mind reacts without thought and you lose the chance to analyze whether something is really a threat or not. – John

e.     Those reactions are based on what we learned when we were 4-8 years old and still use those decisions to analyze our world today. – John   

3.     What accompanies control that takes us out as well.

a.     We all have stress, and stress can take us out of full engagement with the world. Stress is merely your expectations of your demands. – Brad

b.     Stress includes 5 elements –

                                               i.     Control

                                             ii.     Uncertainty

                                           iii.     Connectedness

                                            iv.     Safety

                                             v.     Lack of Progress

Just thinking about these 5 will take the level of stress down by as much as 20%, according to neuroscience. – Brad

c.     What takes us out is believing he have control, and that skews our view of the world. When we buy into the illusion, our whole world view gets tainted – it’s the proverbial ‘rose colored glasses’. If we don’t allow ourselves to see the world the way it is, we’re really agreeing to life in a false world, we’re ultimately agreeing to never experience our full world. – John

d.     Positive Intelligence Course Brad is taking

e.     Saboteurs

f.      The most common ways we self-sabotage. Origins of Saboteurs

1.     The Judge

2.     Avoider

3.     Controller       

4.     Hyper-Achiever

5.     Hyper-Rational

6.     Hyper-Vigilant

7.     Pleaser

8.     Restless

9.     Stickler

10.  Victim

g.     Changed Mind Program by David Bayer John is taking

                                               i.     Desire + Non-Resistance = Desired Results

                                             ii.     Resistances are limiting beliefs / controllers

h.     We all have the baggage of our past, and all the resisters/controllers we’ve built along the way, with us every day. They are the little voices we all have that trick us into reacting to something vs responding to it. They can cause you to change your mindset immediately because you don’t have control– Brad

i.      If we refuse to become aware of those limiting beliefs, those controllers that misdirect us into seeing a skewed view of the world, instead of seeing the world as it really is, what we are doing is agreeing to be trapped in a false world. We are agreeing to never experience the full world, only the one created by our controllers. – John

4.     Can we get rid of this controlling nature? How?

a.     Use the 5 Rs – Brad

                                               i.     Recognition / Mindfulness

                                             ii.     Reflection / Meditate

                                           iii.     Reframe

                                            iv.     Refocus

                                             v.     Referencing / Celebrating the wins that you’ve had

b.     Mindfulness and mediation, and the learned skill of catching yourself in-the-moment. We will always make up meaning and stories instantaneously, it’s natural, and a part of the fight-or-flight response that allowed us to survive. Our job isn’t to stop making up stories, our job is to catch ourselves faster, then alter the negative stories before the become destructive habits. – John

c.     Story Matrix – Three columns – John

                                               i.     Your Old Limiting Story (decision) / Your New Story(decision) / The evidence you see that your new story (decision) is true

d.     Some limiting stories are harder to overcome than others and they keep coming up no matter how much you working on them. These are based in a resentment – this not fair, he has all the luck, his abuse held me back, my parents never gave me a chance, etc. Use another matrix to change them.

                                               i.     Use 3 columns – Column One is What Are Your Resentment? Column Two is What Are Your Limiting Beliefs Around That Resentment, and Column Three is, What Gift Your Were Given Because of What Happened to Cause the Resentment? These are what make you unique and powerful, even though you’ve always thought of them as something exclusively negative. – John

Thanksgiving & Gratitude – Threshold of Brilliance – Episode 20 – November 20 2023

We are nearing a time where so many families will gather together around a turkey dinner and give thanks for what they have. The holiday was inspired by a story our mythology tells us of a harvest feast shared by English colonists (Pilgrims) and the indigenous Wampanoag people in 1621. 

Today’s podcast focuses on the benefits for each of us in giving thanks for, or expressing gratitude for, our gifts, talents, treasures, relationships and experiences. There is a myriad of benefits to thankfulness and gratitude, yet most of us do not have a regular practice with these two simple concepts.

Join us as we explore the concept that fostered one of our most treasured…and dreaded… holidays – thanksgiving and gratefulness.

1.    Just the thought of a traditional thanksgiving gathering inspires joy, and dread – why does it evoke such strong emotions…good and bad?

2.    How do we transform the day into a consistently positive one?

3.    What is the difference between thankfulness and gratitude?

4.    So, which is better to express thankfulness or gratitude?

5.    What are some practical ways to begin this?

6.    What's the right amount of gratitude? 

SHOW NOTES:

Just the thought of a traditional thanksgiving gathering inspires joy, and dread – why does it evoke such strong emotions…good and bad?

To better understand Thanksgiving and Gratitude, start by listening to our previous episodes on Anger – Brad

Since COVID, the world has turned upside down and anger seems to have risen, and tension around Thanksgiving gatherings can trigger those thoughts even more. – Brad

50% of our perceptions are not the truth, but we still blame other issues for the tension, not their own sensations. – Brad

Our imaginations, memories, and emotions get triggered during Thanksgiving more than just about any other time. – Brad

The holiday season, whether it’s Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, or whatever you celebrate, carries a lot of family traditions and expectations that heighten tension. Then society, media and movies, talk about them in such glowing terms that are impossible to achieve, and it puts all of us under stress. – John

We feel we have to make it perfect and if one thing goes wrong, the day is shot to hell. It’s an impossible standard. We look forward to that ideal, but knowing it can never be attained, we end up dreading it. – John

Expectations unmet, especially the ones we put on ourselves, are almost always trigger to us. The key to diffusing that is to look at what the day is supposed to actually be about. It’s not about perfection, it’s about celebrating the gifts we’ve been given – who you are, who you’re with, where you are, and whatever situation you’re in. It’s about celebrating what you have right now. – John

When you first wake up in the morning, start by giving thanks for all the good things in your life. If you do that just when you’re waking up, you’re speaking directly into your subconscious, which can change habits for the better. – Brad

The media, and society, puts an external pressure on us to make Thanksgiving perfect, and none of us can live up to it. We know we can’t live up to it, yet we feel like we have to try to live up to that. It ends up short-circuiting our ability to actually connect with the people around us at Thanksgiving.  – John

If you look past the mythology around Thanksgiving, and toward what it was really about, it was celebrating survival, and what it took to survive. Looking at why we gather, the real meaning, and it helps diffuse the tension. – John

It’s not the externals of the day you’re going to look back on and remember with joy, it’s the people, and your connections to them, that are important. - John

What is the difference between thankfulness and gratitude?

Gratefulness is a feeling of expressed gratitude, while thankfulness means experiencing pleasure, satisfaction, or delight. One’s and experience, and the other is a feeling. – Brad

Thankfulness is the experience, gratitude is the feeling you get from that experience. - John 

Gratefulness is independent, deep and long-term. Thankfulness is dependent, surface level and short-lived. – Brad

Practicing gratitude everyday will change our lives. – Brad

When you combine thankfulness, and gratitude, now you have a moment of transformation. Those moments are what you will remember. - John

What are some of the benefits of thankfulness and gratitude?

Changing a negative attitude to a positive one, through gratitude, can create a huge improvement in performance. – Brad

If you can visualize your gratitude, even if you haven’t experienced it yet, and expand it to your entire life, that celebration will positively change you than just about anything else. – Brad

Just thinking about it elevates you and you can do that at any point in your day. Give yourself a celebration whenever you do something positive. – Brad

Give a high-five to someone else to celebrate, and watch them smile. – Brad

Any movement away from the negative is an invitation to keep moving into the positive, and that can change anything in your life for the better.  – John

I can’t give you your positive. I can share mine, but it’s up to you to recognize and celebrate your own. When you do that, you can change the world. – John

When you give a smile to a stranger, you’ve positively transformed the world, even if it’s only a little piece of it. It’s worth celebrating with gratitude and thankfulness. – John

Nothing can help our potential, and the potential of the world, than thankfulness and gratitude. - John

Anger, Part 2 – Threshold of Brilliance – Episode 19 – November 6, 2023

Welcome back to Threshold of Brilliance and Part 2 of our conversation about Anger. Last week, we talked a lot about the root causes of anger, and some of how anger can affect us. We covered a lot of territory, but not nearly everything we could have. That’s why we divided this incredibly important topic into two parts, and I’m sure we’ll add more later, as well.

This week, we try to discover ways to get us out of anger in the moment, and ways to keep ourselves from so quickly succumbing to the urge to anger. We’ll start with a bit of overlap from last week so you can hopefully recall where we were and quickly get back into the conversation.

SHOW NOTES:

Positive Intelligence – inside of us we all have a Sage, the wise part of us, and a Saboteur, that voice inside us that tells us we’re not enough, or good enough, etc.

·      Our Sage tells us to be curious and look for the opportunities

·      Our Saboteur tells us all the reasons it’s not going to happen – the voice that shoots us down

We can blame our parents for our volatile nature, but the moment we discover that our temper was something we learned from our parents, then we can’t blame them any longer. If we discover we got a behavior from a parent, it’s not on them anymore, it’s on us for our choice to keep the behavior. – John

Why do some people become so angry, so triggered, while others seem to have it under control?

Mental health issues are a big part of the rage we see, but other parts come from life. I.E. 46% of the workforce is experiencing high levels of stress and that triggers anxiety and depression. – Brad

We learn much of our anger reactions from our parents, but 10-15% of the ways we react to stressors in the world come from our genetics. – Brad

Health also plays a big part. If you’re not feeling well, it affects how you respond to things. – Brad

Anger is not always a negative. Anger about a situation can prompt you to go do something about it. – John

What are some causes of prolonged anger?

Sometimes the stressors are beyond us and not our choice, such as poverty and economic issues. – John

Anger can become something so familiar with feeling, that we become comfortable with it. – Brad

Anger can be like a “check engine” light. It tells us we need to look at it to understand what is going on and to get it back under control. Not dealing with it can create a long-term anger. – Brad

Long term anger can cause high blood pressure, heart issues, headaches, ulcers, muscle tension, anxiety, and much more. – Brad

Globally, anger has been so present we now consider being in a constant state of anger is a normal way to be. We’ve lost the ability to take a moment to find peace with wear you are today – that peace is something religion used to teach us. – Brad

Our job is not to eliminate anger, it’s to recognize it, step back from it, and make a different choice. We need to change the habit of anger. – John

How do you step back in the moment, or short-circuit long term anger?

Anger is a symptom, not the cause. Think of my “check engine” analogy, anger is a check engine light. A check engine light tells you you need to do something about it and not just ignore it. If you don’t your engine can break down. – Brad

Addressing anger means to find the root cause, but to return to a calm state, with the capability of finding the root cause, one good way is “diaphragmatic breathing,” it causes full body calmness. – Brad

Anchoring – repeatedly replacing a bad habit, like anchor, with a good habit. This is effective, but on average, it takes 66 days to replace a bad habit. – Brad

Mindfulness – be aware that your anxiousness is coming up, and that you’re starting to feel frustrated or angry – feel your “check engine” light about to come on and step away from it. – Brad

Centering Prayer or Centering Breathing or Mindfulness Breathing, can be an effective tool for defusing anger in the moment, or when it comes up in thought later on. – John

Anger – Part 1 - Threshold of Brilliance – Episode 19 – November 6, 2023

When we grow up with a volatile parent, we tend to blame our own volatility on them. At some point, however we must realize that WE are making that choice, and can’t blame THEM anymore.

Anger is almost always a secondary emotion! Typically, we experience a primary emotion, like fear, loss, disappointment, feeling overwhelmed, inadequacy, or sadness, first. Because these emotions create feelings of vulnerability and loss of control, they can trigger us. To get a lasting handle on our anger, we need to look at the root cause.

Come join us as we explore a little more about this topic that many times gets a bad rap and is not always the cause.

1.    What is anger?

2.    What causes anger?

·       Unresolved childhood trauma.

·       Repressed or unmet needs.

·       Unrealistic expectations from people/situation.

·       Coping unhealthily with stress, anxiety, etc.

·       Experiences of neglect, abuse, or aggressive behavior.

3.    How can we identify the root cause of our own anger?

4.    Why is anger so pervasive for some and others seem to have it under control?

5.    What are some causes of prolonged anger?

6.    What are some ways to control anger in the moment? Or short-circuiting it in the long rund

7.    What are some of the key issues of emotional health?

SHOW NOTES:

What is anger?

1.    A full frontal assault on your amygdala – Brad

a.    Fear and loss or something that happened in my past

b.    Unmet expectations about my own thinking or behavior

c.    A signal that something important to me was at risk

2.    Unmet expectations or loss of control tend to be the immediate triggers – John

a.    Especially when I try to redirect and regain control of expected behaviors, and things go even further off the rails

3.    Control is a fallacy. Nobody has control, has ever had control, or ever will have control. The universe does what it does and we can’t control it. It’s part of being human. We can only control what we do with it when we feel the loss of control.

4.    A response to not having control over the world we think we should have.

5.    Right now it seems like much of the world is angry. People see the way the world is, think it should be different, and get angry when they can’t make the rest of the world behave the way they think it should be.

What causes anger?

I suggest that people draw two circles that overlap. One is the things that are important to you. The other is the things that you can control. - Brad

When tend to ‘react’ in the moment, rather than ‘respond’. A response indicates you’ve given it some thought. Generally, anger comes out without you putting in much thought at all. – Brad

Unresolved childhood trauma can trigger us today, unless we have recognized them and choose to diminish them – Brad

Repressed needs we think we have, that we think are not being met – Brad

One of the causes for stress, and a trigger for anger, are unrealistic expectations – Brad

Children are born thinking the world is simply an extension of themselves. As they grow, and realize the world is separate, they often struggle with the loss of control they experience. A childhood trauma, at age 6, left me feeling that there was no part of my world, even internally, that I had control over. It left me feeling weak, vulnerable, and fearful. It also too me 50 years time, and 30 years of self-discovery, therapy and work for start recovering from the experience. – John

The world doesn’t care what about what I expect, want or need, the world simply does what the world does. The fact that I put expectations is something I have to realize sets me up for anger. – John 

In Budism, they recognize that want, need and desire cause pain. Ignorance is not seeing the world as it really is.

How can we identify the root cause of our own anger?

Pay attention to what triggers you? – Brad

·      We can feel frustration starting to build up, recognize that and choose a different way to react.

·      I can only control my attitude and my actions, that’s it.

Taking three diaphragmic breathes can help you regain control over your attitude and actions in the moment when you feel yourself getting triggered – Brad

Practicing mindfulness is another way of learning to regain control. A SIMPLE TRICK is, when you are feeling triggered, use the fingertips of one hand to rub the inside of the palm on your other hand. This forces you to think about that sensation vs thinking about reacting to your triggers in the moment. – Brad

THE SERENTIY PRAYER

God grant me the courage to accept

   the things I cannot change,

The strength to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

If I get mad a you, I’m giving you control over my emotions and thoughts, and I don’t want to give control of me to someone else, who probably doesn’t even know you’ve given them control. – John

SECTION TWO OF ANGER WILL BE RELEASED MONDAY, NOVEMBER 13^TH.

Our next full episode of Threshold of Brilliance, on Thanksgiving and Gratitude, will be released on Monday, November 20^th, just in time for the Thanksgiving holiday.

SELF-COMPASSION – THRESHOLD OF BRILLIANCE – EPISODE 18: OUTLINE AND SHOW NOTES:

Self-compassion is the practice of being kind and understanding towards ourselves, even when we make mistakes. Self-compassionate people own their mistakes, and accept themselves unconditionally – warts and all.

The three elements of self-compassion are (https://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/)

1.     Self-kindness vs. Self-judgment - Treating ourselves with kindness and understanding, even when we make mistakes or are struggling.

2.     2. Common humanity vs. Isolation - You’re Normal: Recognizing that everyone is imperfect and everyone experiences suffering. We are all suffer from some sort of circumstances.

3.     Mindfulness vs. Over-identification - Mindfulness: Paying attention to our thoughts and feelings in a non-judgmental way.

Self-compassion is a skill that takes time and practice to develop. But it's a skill worth developing because it can lead to a happier and healthier life. Self-compassion is a journey, not a destination, and we can help you get started right here.

1.     What are some of the benefits of self-compassion?

2.     What are some of ways to practice self-compassion?

3.     Are Self-love and Self-compassion the same?

4.     Is self-compassion a learned condition or is it biological?

5.     How do our blind-spots affect our self-compassion?

SHOW NOTES:

What are some of the benefits of self-compassion?

Openly and honestly accepting your mistakes, and not hiding it. This creates a sense of authenticity in your relationships, and builds your self-esteem and effectiveness. - JOHN

We are taught that to excel in life, we have to catch all of our mistakes, scold ourselves for making them, and strive to be more perfect the next time – trapping in a negative, downward spiraling loop. The reality is just the opposite. If we catch a mistake, and are self-compassionate, we lift ours up when we catch a mistake, and create a upward movement of effectiveness and personal happiness. – JOHN

Self-compassion takes away the feeling that we need to judge ourselves or others – BRAD

It allows us to reexamine our self-judgements in a way that makes us healthier. – BRAD

My health is dependent on my compassion toward myself. If I want to change any behaviors, it is dependent on my self-compassion. – BRAD

People who are self-critical, for instance, about their weight, are unable to change anything about themselves, no matter what they do or try. Self-compassion breaks this down – BRAD

What is self-compassion? https://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/ - Dr. Kristin Neff

Self-compassion means accepting that you’re human, and therefore imperfect. It’s “normal” to be imperfect. – JOHN

We are taught, that if we want to succeed in life, that we have to demand more of ourselves, push ourselves harder, and scold yourself so you never make that “mistake” again. All that self-disparagement does is to set us up to constantly repeat the pattern of mistakes and self-criticism. It doesn’t change it. When you can accept self-compassion, you admit your mistakes, and either do something about them, or dismiss them. It breaks the loop of self-demand and self-punishment that tears us down and stops us from succeeding. – JOHN

When we are self-compassionate, we lift ourselves up and create and upward movement of effectiveness and happiness. – JOHN

It’s human and ‘normal’ to be imperfect. Self-compassion acknowledges that and allows us to move forward instead of becoming stuck. – JOHN

HOW DO YOU PRACTICE SELF-COMPASSION?

We want to view ourselves as NOT being normal, and that snags us. The best way I know to overcome this is my 5 Rs. – BRAD

1.      Recognize in the moment – mindfulness

2.     Reflect on it – meditate on it

3.     Reframe it in a way that you say, I was not real compassionate to myself – stop trash talk

4.     Refocusing on what you’ve reframed

5.     Reference the wins you’ve had along the way

I grew up thinking my name was No Brad instead of Brad – I learned to be self-judgmental early. – BRAD

When we make our self-judgements automatic, we don’t have a chance to recover from them. When we are self-compassionate, that means catching those judgments in the moment. As you said, that’s called mindfulness. That’s where self-compassion starts. The next step is meditation, to take time to change the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves. – JOHN

When we are young, we accept that the stories others made up about us must be true, and that’s who we become. As adults, our job is to break that habit and develop self-compassion. Mindfulness and meditation are the best routes to get there. – JOHN

ARE SELF-LOVE AND SELF-COMPASSION THE SAME, OR ARE THEY DIFFERENT?

Self-love helps us to feel good about ourselves and our lives. Self-compassion helps us to cope with the challenges and setbacks we might have. – BRAD

When we focus on the personal, “I’m stupid”, instead of focusing on the act, “that wasn’t the right way,” is a huge part. Looking at the “act” is self-compassion. – BRAD

88% of millionaires spend at least half-an-hour each day on self-love. Millionaires spend more time on personal love and personal care. – BRAD 

 If self-compassion is so important to every area of our lives, are we spending enough time developing our ability to be self-compassionate on a regular basis? Do we want to be a millionaire? – BRAD

When we practice self-compassion, but can’t embrace self-love, we have a blind spot (see episode 17). – JOHN

Forgiveness is an integral part of love, and we all need love to survive. If we need love to survive, that means we need forgiveness and self-forgiveness an integral part of self-compassion.  It’s human. – JOHN

IS SELF-COMPASSION LEARNED, OR BIOLOGICAL?

10-15% of our nature is genetic, the rest is learned. If you say, “My father was like this and I’m just like him,” is that a story you made up, or genetic? What that means, is we can learn a behavior, replicate that behavior over and over, and pass it down. We can change a behavior and make it genetic. It’s a learned behavior that becomes part of our biology. We get to choose whether I want to be like my father, or change it. – BRAD

You can only blame your parents until you realize your parents did it, instilled it in you, then you can only blame yourself for keeping it. - JOHN

Very young children are always self-compassionate. You never see them beating up on themselves for being so stupid, until someone teaches them that making a mistake means they’re stupid. Children are self-compassionate until they are taught not to be. Self-compassion is about returning to our natural state and our job, as adults, is to return to that natural state. – JOHN

HOW DO OUR BLIND SPOTS AFFECT OUR ABILITY TO BE SELF-COMPASSIONATE?

Our blind spots are things we are not aware of. Our ignorances, or biases, are things we can choice to stay unaware of, or we can choose to see them. Self-compassion, is how we treat others, and ourselves, despite our blind spots. Self-compassion means we can choose to see those blind spots and change them. – BRAD

Blind spots are choosing not to be self-aware. Self-compassion is choosing what to do about it. – BRAD

All our negative self-thoughts are blind spots. They are all stories we accept, and they are all made up. We think our normal state is the negativity, but it’s our self-compassion that is actually our normal state. We just need to overcome the negative stories to recapture that. – JOHN

Celebrate being human. – JOHN

You can’t start a process of recovery until you’ve gone through a process of discovery. - JOHN

Self-trash talk is what keeps the wall up around self-compassion. We need to knock that wall down. – JOHN