Logo
    Search

    About this Episode

    At 35, Noel was on a great path after being clean for a long time. He was in an accelerated nursing program, was a daddy to a beautiful daughter, and had everything to live for. But then COVID-19 hit, and his mom, Kathleen, feels that it had a lot to do with his relapse since he was alone and studying virtually. Isolation is not good for anyone suffering from this disease and so many more people are meeting the same fate at this time, she said.

    Kathleen remembers her son with the following sentiment she wrote soon after Noel passed away in May 2020:

    Can’t Imagine by Kathleen

    When my kids were small I always thought

    I could never imagine what my life would be like if one of them died.

    I still can’t imagine it because I didn’t lose him just once.

    I lose him every day—over and over again.

    I lost him when I said goodbye and hugged his empty body-

    my warm tears falling on his cold face.

    I lose him every morning I wake up

    And remember he isn’t here.

    I lose him when I come out of a dream where I meet his eyes.

    I lose him when I reach for the phone to tell him something funny

    like his brother isn’t happy with his new tattoo or that I love him.

    I can’t imagine surviving the loss of a child

    Because it’s not one big final loss,

    but a thousand losses every day.

    I can’t imagine tomorrow, the next day,

    The next week, month or year, because

    I haven’t lost him to that time yet.

    There is no describing the impossible

    even while you are living it.

    My glass will never be half full or half empty again.

    The glass is broken—shattered and scattered in a thousand pieces.

    Grief is a thousand pieces.

    It doesn’t come just once for a moment in time-

    It just keeps coming and coming and coming.

    A cold, dark tsunami that I am inside of forever.

    I still can’t imagine what it’s like to lose a child

    Because grief gets in the middle of the fact

    and I am light years away from believing it.

    I can’t imagine what it’s like to lose a child

    even though I have lost one because the cold, hard truth

    is unimaginable even while you are in it.

    I lose him over and over again.

    With every tear that falls, with every breath that’s so hard to take.

    I lose him every time I see his empty chair at the table.

    I lose him every time I pass his room and see his empty shoes.

    I lose him every time I look in the mirror where he once saw himself

    And see a mother I do not recognize.

    I will never be able to imagine the loss of a child because it isn’t a place

    you get to where you say, “I’m surviving without my sweet boy.”

    Like the same two waves never reach the same shore.

    It comes and comes and comes and washes over me every day

    and every day I am different. You lose your child but you never lose the loss.

    The dark storms of grief never let up so you try to learn to wade through

    the waters of the rest of your life, not imagining what it’s like to lose a child,

    but imagining what your life would be like if you didn’t.

     

    If you would like to tell your story about an overdose death, please contact Susan Claire at grievingoverdosedeath@gmail.com

    http://grievingoverdosedeath.libsyn.com/

    Music provided by La Atlántida

    Recent Episodes from Grieving Overdose Death

    Becca

    Becca

    Becca was a wild child who grew into a confident, young adult and was able to talk to anybody. Her passions included animals, theater and music. She was also a talented artist who fell in love with tattoos and thought of the human body as a canvas. After a tragic event in her early teens, she self-medicated with marijuana and then other drugs. In January 2021, she passed away at 22 from fentanyl poisoning. Her mother, Sarah, wants to break the stigma about addiction and speaks to school groups about her daughter’s life. She found that listening to podcasts has helped her to cope with her grief. These include “A Good Cry” with Michael Cruz Kayne at https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/a-good-cry/id1586175225; and “All There Is” with Anderson Cooper at https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/all-there-is-with-anderson-cooper/id1643163707.

    Sarah was moved by a quote from Andrew Garfield (an actor whose mother died in 2019 from cancer) who hopes he never gets over the grief of losing his mother. In an interview in People magazine, he said, “So I hope this grief stays with me because it's all the unexpressed love that I didn't get to tell her…We all told her every day, she was the best of us."

    If you would like to tell your story about an overdose death, please contact Susan Claire at grievingoverdosedeath@gmail.com

    http://grievingoverdosedeath.libsyn.com/

    Music provided by La Atlántida

    Stephen

    Stephen

    Stephen lit up any room he walked into and was the guy who made others laugh. He was a musician who played guitar and piano, a welder who used his talents to make artwork, and a world traveler. His addiction to pain medication began soon after having a wisdom tooth extracted while he was in the navy. His addiction progressed over ten years until he died from fentanyl poisoning in March 2022 at the age of 32. His mother, Andree, honors his memory by displaying a Christmas tree in her front yard for others who are grieving to place a special ornament of their loved ones. This was featured on several news outlets as follows:

    2023

    https://www.nbclosangeles.com/news/local/fullertons-community-christmas-tree-honors-loved-ones-lost-to-opioids/3293487/

    2022

    https://www.nbclosangeles.com/news/local/fullerton-mother-creates-fentanyl-awareness-christmas-tree/3058803/

    https://abc7.com/drug-overdose-fentanyl-christmas-trees-ornaments/12591577/

    https://spectrumnews1.com/ca/la-west/human-interest/2022/12/24/fullerton-mother-honors-son-with-fentanyl-christmas-tree

    Soon after her son passed away, Andree woke up one morning with a tune in her head that she had never heard before. She discovered the lyrics were from a song called Full Circle by the group Half Moon Run. She feels that Stephen was trying to explain in this sign from heaven about his life with addiction.  

    Full Circle lyrics

    https://youtu.be/azV0Y7v6wsg?feature=shared

    Cap off kneeling at the back of the church,
    Feeling water on your brow, if it's healing it hurts
    At first a sharpish pain that returns as a thought
    That the needle in your skin will bring you closer to god

    And I watch as your head turns full circle

    Our hope was with a coffee and a medical text
    It's too easy knowin' nothing blowing off the rest
    And the riddles in the pages leave at too much to guess
    And the worry cracks a fracture from your hip to your chest

    As I watch as your head turns full circle

    We got lost in the travels in the spiritual book
    Missed the beaches from nirvana and the way that they look
    And the crooks they're on the island they're killin' to keep runnin'
    They're running severance on the plastic and it seems to be working

    Is that the best that I can do?
    As I watch as your head turns full circle

    You appear even tempered though your looks will deceive
    And the sparks are always flying cause you drink for relief
    With the heart of a child and the wit of a fool
    It's a wonder why I don't try to build a wall around you

    When I watch as your head turns full circle
    And I watch as your head turns full circle
    Yeah I watch as your head turns full circle

    If you would like to tell your story about an overdose death, please contact Susan Claire at grievingoverdosedeath@gmail.com

    http://grievingoverdosedeath.libsyn.com/

    Music provided by La Atlántida

     

    Samantha

    Samantha

    Samantha was stubborn, strong-willed, and struggled with authority. However, she also loved fiercely, was passionate in what she believed in, and was always there when you needed a friend. Her sister, Brittany, would call her about everything and knew she could always count on her. When Samantha broke up with her boyfriend of eight years, she turned to an old friend for companionship who was dealing drugs. He turned her on to cocaine to help with her depression. One night, the line she took was pure fentanyl and she overdosed in August 2023. Brittany is coping with the death of her sister by reading grief books, looking for signs from her sister, and speaking up to break the stigma about fentanyl poisoning.

    If you would like to tell your story about an overdose death, please contact Susan Claire at grievingoverdosedeath@gmail.com

    http://grievingoverdosedeath.libsyn.com/

    Music provided by La Atlántida

    David

    David

    David had a great job, loved hunting, sports, and was very involved with his family. His cousin, Rosalie, describes him as a “boy’s boy.” In April 2021, Rosalie received a call from one of his three brothers telling her the tragic news—David had passed away due to an accidental overdose. She copes with her grief by remembering her cousin through poetry. Below are two of her poems dedicated to her cousin, David.

    Everlasting Age

    In the time of aging, you no longer are. I’m where you remain, near to my heart yet physically so far. Age is just a number; time is ever lasting. With you I’m one in this year of life. Nothing pains me more than to grow apart; for current time has me as I partake in your final year. I’ll try to understand your thoughts, your actions and your experiences; in each shedded tear. As I journey through this year as your everlasting age, I’ll take all I can to make better days. I dread the time we no longer will be in sync. As I will be moving forward, onward the step you could not make. I can only hope that I find you one day, as I remember you always.

    Everlasting Days

    I’m no longer your everlasting age. Still looking back on the best days. Not that recent days have been bad, it’s just I can never be fully glad. I keep you with me, so you can live on. You come to my mind when I hear certain songs. I can only dream of the days we are old and gray, for you’ll remain your everlasting age. I move on and forward the steps you could not make. They say you are only truly gone when you are forgotten, so it’s safe to say you will live on with me all my everlasting days.

    If you would like to tell your story about an overdose death, please contact Susan Claire at grievingoverdosedeath@gmail.com

    http://grievingoverdosedeath.libsyn.com/

    Music provided by La Atlántida

    Michael

    Michael

    Michael was an incredibly hard worker—he followed in his dad’s footsteps and worked for the railroad. He never said, “no”, was so tender hearted, and silly. His sisters, Courtney and Hattie, cope with his passing from an overdose in July 2022 through humor, closeness, and strength. By telling their brother’s story, they strive to advocate for family and friends in mourning who may feel shame or that their loved one’s death didn’t matter because of the stigma of addiction. Courtney recommends reading, “Understanding Your Grief after a Drug-Overdose Death,” by Alan Wolfelt, PhD.

    Jessica

    Jessica

    Jessica wanted to help others and thought about working professionally as a nurse. She loved children, would help out at summer camps, and had several babysitting positions. She was always the one people would call if they needed help. When she was around 17, she was in a car accident and was prescribed opioids for her pain. She went from using opioids to other drugs and, eventually, started using heroin, and died in 2017 at 36 from fentanyl poisoning.

    Her older sister, Rosanne, tried everything in her power to help -- an intervention, rehabilitation, giving her a job in her salon, and a place to live. It’s been a five-year journey of grief therapy, workshops, and self-care to learn how to live a new normal without her sister. For her grief, Rosanne went to “Onsite”, a program that helps you gain tools to move forward https://onsiteworkshops.com/; learned “The Grief Recovery Method” through Hopeful Heart Solutions https://hopefulheartsolutions.com; and read books such as “Signs” by Laura Lynne Jackson and “Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief” by David Kessler.

    If you would like to tell your story about an overdose death, please contact Susan Claire at grievingoverdosedeath@gmail.com

    http://grievingoverdosedeath.libsyn.com/

    Music provided by La Atlántida

    Hannah

    Hannah

    Hannah was loyal, fierce, and lived & loved with an unmatched ferocity and intensity. Her father, Cody, said she helped those who were marginalized, forgotten, left behind, misunderstood, hurting, or abused. She put others before herself, tried to take care of them, and made sure they were safe and okay. Hannah personally struggled for years with mental health and addiction. Depression and anxiety were her forever companions in a never-ending tug of war. On October 12, 2022, Cody lost his daughter to fentanyl poisoning. He copes with his loss by honoring his daughter’s memory, listening to podcasts, and researching grief with books such as “The Grieving Brain” by Mary-Francis O’Connor, “Resilient Grieving” by Lucy Hone, and “Grieving Mindfully” by Sameet M. Kumar.

     

    If you would like to tell your story about an overdose death, please contact Susan Claire at grievingoverdosedeath@gmail.com

    http://grievingoverdosedeath.libsyn.com/

    Music provided by La Atlántida

    Michael & Bridget

    Michael & Bridget

    Meggie describes how she and her three siblings were a close-knit group of four who faced everything together when they were growing up. However, in 2015, her older brother, Michael, 28, died from an accidental overdose which fueled a raging addiction in her mom and little sister, Bridget. In 2022, things took a turn for the worse when her mom died from liver failure due to drug and alcohol abuse and then, 40 days later, Bridget, 31, was found in her bed from an accidental overdose. Meggie copes with the loss of her two siblings with grief counseling and reading books such as “The Empty Room: Understanding Sibling Loss” by Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburn.

    If you would like to tell your story about an overdose death, please contact Susan Claire at grievingoverdosedeath@gmail.com

    http://grievingoverdosedeath.libsyn.com/

    Music provided by La Atlántida

    Nicky, Steven & Cindy

    Nicky, Steven & Cindy

    Angela lost three of her four siblings (Nicky, Steven & Cindy): two passed away from an overdose and one from a massive heart attack. She remembers them with pictures and other special mementos, and by telling their stories. She copes by keeping busy with helping to raise her sisters’ children, plus listening to grief podcasts, attending grief meetings, and reading books such as, “It’s OK That You’re NOT OK” by Megan Devine. She also plans to participate in National Fentanyl Awareness Day sponsored by the Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA). You can find more information here: https://www.fentanylawarenessday.org/

    If you would like to tell your story about an overdose death, please contact Susan Claire at grievingoverdosedeath@gmail.com

    http://grievingoverdosedeath.libsyn.com/

    Music provided by La Atlántida

    Jack

    Jack

    Jack was an excellent student, and enjoyed sports throughout his elementary and high school years. He graduated from college with a major in actuarial science and landed his first job. But his mother, Maribeth, said he worked very long hours, and although he sometimes said he enjoyed it, she thought the isolation and long hours were very stressful for him. He left his job and eventually became a bicycle courier. He suffered for 10 years from depression, and later developed an addiction to heroin. Maribeth said that Jack's pain became unbearable and he died in his home at the age of 35. Maribeth shares a tribute to her son at: https://www.forevermissed.com/jack-heston/about

    She also thinks about the following philosophy of Friedrich Nietzsche and quoted by Joseph Campbell: “Nietzsche was the one who did the job for me. At a certain moment in his life, the idea came to him of what he called ‘the love of your fate.’ Whatever your fate is, whatever the hell happens, you say, ‘This is what I need.’ It may look like a wreck, but go at it as though it were an opportunity, a challenge. If you bring love to that moment—not discouragement—you will find the strength is there. Any disaster you can survive is an improvement in your character, your stature, and your life. What a privilege! This is when the spontaneity of your own nature will have a chance to flow.”

    If you would like to tell your story about an overdose death, please contact Susan Claire at grievingoverdosedeath@gmail.com

    http://grievingoverdosedeath.libsyn.com/

    Music provided by La Atlántida