Psychologist Shows You How to Reset Your Personality and Redefine Yourself | Benjamin Hardy on Impact Theory

Podcast Summary

• Our identity shapes our personality: By intentionally shaping our identity and the narrative we tell ourselves, we can bring about significant changes in our behavior and ultimately, our personality.

  According to Benjamin Hardy, PhD, personality is not a fixed or permanent trait, but rather an offshoot of our identity, which is shaped by our goals and future vision. Our identity, being the narrative we give ourselves, drives our behavior and attitudes over time, leading to the development of our personality. People often feel trapped in their identity due to a lack of thoughtfulness about their future goals and the narrative they tell themselves. However, it's important to remember that our identity and thus our personality are always evolving. By changing our identity and the narrative we tell ourselves, we can bring about significant changes in our behavior and ultimately, our personality. It's essential to be intentional about the story we tell ourselves and the future we aim to create, as it will shape who we become.

• The power of personal growth and resilience: People's potential and constraints are influenced by nature and nurture. Despite past challenges, people have the ability to change and grow through new knowledge, relationships, and environments.

  We have the power to shape our own lives through the meanings we assign to experiences, but our potential and constraints are influenced by both nature and nurture. The speaker, who grew up in a rough environment after his parents' divorce, emphasizes that people are contextual and relational, and their potential can change based on new knowledge, relationships, and environments. Despite the challenges in his past, he believes that people have a lot of potential for change, but there are constraints. The speaker's own story illustrates how his childhood experiences shaped him, but he also emphasizes that comparing himself to his former self based on the same situation and attributes would be a false comparison. Ultimately, the speaker's resilience and ability to open up about his past when he was 18 shows that people can overcome adversity and grow.

• The impact of trauma goes deeper than the event itself and the meaning we assign to it matters: Sharing traumatic experiences with an empathetic listener can lead to new understandings and healing

  Trauma's impact goes deeper than the event itself, and the meaning we assign to it in the absence of an empathetic listener can shape our perception and relationships. The speaker's experience with his father's addiction and their subsequent reconnection highlights this concept. He found solace and understanding in his girlfriend during his senior year in high school, who served as an empathetic witness, allowing him to unpack his emotions and assign new meaning to his experiences. This conversation was a catalyst for him to reconnect with his father and witness his transformation. Peter Levine's quote, "trauma isn't what happens to you. It's what you hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness," encapsulates this idea. The cathartic release of sharing one's experiences with someone who cares can lead to new understandings and healing.

• Trauma's impact on future perception: Addressing past traumas and reimagining a positive future can lead to healing and meaningful changes.

  Trauma from the past can significantly impact one's perception of their future and sense of identity. The speaker's experience of estrangement from his father led him to a point where he felt disconnected from his future. However, reconnecting with his father and seeking his advice helped both of them to heal and move forward. Trauma, as the speaker and the author discuss, is not just about the past but also about how it shapes our view of our future. By addressing past traumas and reimagining a positive future, individuals can make meaningful changes in their lives. The speaker's experience of reaching out to his father and seeking his advice was not only healing for him but also provided his father with renewed hope and purpose. The author's work emphasizes the importance of acknowledging and addressing past traumas to create a more fulfilling future.

• Seeking help and honesty during difficult times: During hardships, reaching out for help and practicing honesty can transform your perspective and provide hope for a fulfilling future.

  During difficult times, it's essential to seek help from others and practice complete honesty and transparency. Melissa's story illustrates how an empathetic witness and a simple act of reaching out through a letter helped her reframe her perspective and find hope after a tragic event. Giving up on oneself doesn't necessarily mean losing faith in the ability to change but rather abandoning the belief in a fulfilling future. Seeking help, whether from a friend, therapist, or other trusted figure, can provide the necessary shred of hope and perspective to start reshaping the meaning of a traumatic experience. Remember, burying emotions and holding secrets can worsen the situation, and opening up about your feelings can lead to a more hopeful and meaningful perspective on your life. So, be aggressive in seeking help and embracing honesty to transform your situation and regain hope.

• Our perception of the past is flexible and constantly changing: Reinterpreting past experiences can provide new insights and perspectives, allowing us to shape a better future

  Our perception of the past and its impact on our future is flexible and constantly changing. It's not a fixed entity that defines our future, but rather a story that is constructed in the present based on our current perspective and understanding. Giving up on our idea of the future can limit our ability to change and grow as individuals. The past does not have to dictate our future, and reinterpreting past experiences can provide new insights and perspectives. By actively approaching our past as a flexible entity and seeking greater context and perspective, we can alter the meaning and view we have towards our past, and in turn, shape a better future for ourselves.

• The future shapes our present behavior more than the past: Reframing past experiences and focusing on the future can change our emotional association with memories and shape our present behavior.

  According to the discussion, the past may not be the primary driver of our present or future. Instead, it's our vision of the future and our commitment to it that shapes our present behavior. This concept, known as prospection, challenges the long-held belief that the past is the main determinant of our lives. To illustrate, a woman who had a difficult past was able to reframe it by revisiting it in a positive mood and recounting the story, effectively changing the emotional association with the memory. This idea is supported by research, which shows that memories are recontextualized based on the current emotional state. Therefore, to make the most of our past experiences, it's essential to consider both reframing the past and focusing on the future. Ultimately, the future drives the present more than the past.

• Recontextualizing past experiences: We can change how we feel about past experiences by integrating new ones and assigning new meanings, creating a sense of peace or awe. Committing to a future self and expanding our perspective can help us find purpose and happiness.

  We have the power to recontextualize our past experiences and assign new meanings to them. This can be achieved by integrating current experiences and people into past memories, ultimately reassigning emotions and creating a sense of peace or awe. To move forward, it's important to create a sense of purpose and vision for the future. This can be done by making a commitment to a future self and assigning deep meaning to it. Our view of the future is determined by our current level of awareness and understanding, and it will continue to evolve as we gain new experiences and knowledge. To make our present better, we must make our future bigger by expanding our perspective and imagining various scenarios. As Viktor Frankl said, it's not our conditions that determine our happiness, but our view of the future and our sense of purpose. By committing to a future self and fulfilling promises to ourselves and others, we can begin to move forward and find meaning in our experiences.

• Thinking about your future self: Exploring values, goals, and desired circumstances through journaling helps expand potential and create a valuable future. Believe in your ability to grow and aim big.

  Focusing on your future self and the person you want to become is a crucial first step in creating a meaningful and valuable future. This involves identifying your values, goals, and circumstances that you desire. Journaling can be a helpful tool in this process, as it allows you to explore different time horizons and consider the next level future self that excites you. It's important to remember that your capabilities and potential are not fixed, and the self-expansion model suggests that every new piece of knowledge or confidence gained can expand what's possible for you in the future. In the beginning stages of this journey, it can be challenging to believe in your ability to grow and expand. However, taking small steps towards your goals and aiming big can help build a future that you're excited about. Ultimately, thinking about your future self and what you want to be doing is the first step in creating a valuable and fulfilling future.

• Recognizing progress, not just end goals, fuels personal growth: Focusing on progress made instead of comparing oneself to an ideal can provide a sense of confidence and hope for future expansion

  Our sense of efficacy and ability to achieve our goals is not innate but depends on the resources we have towards our goals. Expanding as a person involves imagining bigger futures and acquiring new resources to reach them. When facing difficult situations, focusing on progress made instead of comparing oneself to an ideal can provide a sense of confidence and hope. As Ernest Hemingway once said, true nobility lies in being superior to one's former self. Skateboarding, an activity that requires belief in one's ability to improve despite the risk of pain, might have played a role in Dan Sullivan's success in inspiring this perspective. Overall, recognizing and focusing on progress, no matter how small, can help individuals expand their potential and increase their hope for the future.

• Embrace uncertainty and sit with discomfort for growth: Learning to adapt to new situations and handle emotions effectively is crucial for overall well-being and personal development. Embracing uncertainty and discomfort can lead to confidence and identity capital.

  Skateboarding, like many challenging pursuits, requires a willingness to endure physical and emotional pain to achieve greatness. This emotional flexibility, or psychological flexibility, is crucial for growth and learning new skills. The brain is wired to predict our future and amplify potential failures, but learning to embrace uncertainty and sit with discomfort can lead to confidence and identity capital. This concept of flexibility, whether it's metabolic or psychological, is essential for overall well-being and personal development. The ability to adapt to new situations and handle emotions effectively is a valuable skill that can be cultivated through deliberate practice and a growth mindset. By facing our fears and pushing through adversity, we can build resilience and ultimately reach our goals.

• Embrace commitment for personal growth: Committing to goals fosters courage, clarity, and progress, even amidst ambiguity or uncertainty.

  Commitment to a specific goal is essential for personal growth and achieving desired outcomes. This concept, derived from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), involves handling emotions, reframing them, and actively moving towards goals despite ambiguity or uncertainty. Commitment is not about ignoring the process but recognizing that every human action is goal-driven. Owning and committing to the outcomes we want creates transparency and identity clarity. The story of a man stuck in the snow illustrates this idea; by committing to cutting firewood and filling his truck with it, he gained the necessary traction to pull himself out of the situation. Commitment fuels courage, which leads to developing flexibility, competencies, and confidence.

• Experience as a foster parent motivated personal growth: Committing to a goal and accepting emotions/challenges can lead to personal growth and resilience

  Pressure and responsibility can serve as powerful motivators for personal growth and development. The speaker shares how his experience as a foster parent forced him to step up and take action towards his goal of becoming a writer. He also emphasizes the importance of commitment and acceptance in the face of challenges and emotions that arise during the journey. The speaker's experience aligns with the concept of the Pygmalion effect and the principles of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. By committing to a goal and accepting the emotions and challenges that come with it, individuals can become more flexible and resilient in achieving their desired future. The speaker's book, "Personality Isn't Permanent," explores these ideas in more depth and provides practical strategies for readers to apply in their own lives. To learn more, visit benjaminhardy.com.