S1: Episode 5: "The Last Outpost" - Where Worf is a Space Karen, The Enterprise Tailgates Innocent Ferengis, and Potentially Commit a War Crime

We begin with a follow up to last week's episode with more research into why Denise Crosby (Tasha Yar) left. Because I am not buying the party line here, and find out the departure of this nepo-baby was not quite as the PR made it out to be. Things were not adding up last week and I get some much needed closure. Thank you to Den of Geek for providing insight!

Check out their awesome article here: https://www.denofgeek.com/tv/star-trek-the-next-generation-tasha-yar-death/ 

Speaking of closure, it seems like literally no one else on the Enterprise remembers her existence, which is just like ice cold. Damn y’all, get some grief counselors on board. Or develop feelings, maybe wear a grief poncho? 

Anyway, in this episode a further dive into Picard’s taste in women is divulged as we meet one of his exes, who is like a walking narcissism machine in parachute pants. That’s right, Crusher has a romantic rival for Picard’s not affections, and perhaps in my own grief over Tar I find myself rooting for…Crusher? That can’t be right.

So basically they’re supposed to go on leave (HA!) when they get a distress call from this planet that has two people left, and Picard is acting really weird and is literally spanking a towel to the point of viewer discomfort because one of those two folks is some chick he stood up at a bar in Paris like several decades ago. 

Also there’s a casual time loop that’s like the secondary plot. Like time is randomly looping and people are way too calm about it. Turns out Parachute Pants’s husband is doing temporal experiments and just blew up a lab full of Lt. Singhs and Yars, because he does not care. But don’t worry guys, this 1% er and his wife were in a fancy reinforced second lab so they lived. His only problem is he’s having a tiiiiiiiiime seiiiiiizure! Crusher for once is right in saying “whoa, I don’t know what’s going on here” and Parachute Pants promptly starts setting up her “Plan B,” which is Picard. Ignoring her husband’s terminal illness, she instead flirts with Picard and it’s all just terrible.

In summation, Data saves everyone (again), fixes time, they get the buddy and her time breaking husband off the ship and they all can go back to their regular Yar-less lives. Data gets confronted by multiple Datas from different timelines during this episode and is so chill that I think the writers forgot about Lore. Or all of the Datas are experiencing PTSD at the same time? But no one cares about Data. :( Oh and it’s supposed to be like Casablanca.

Featuring: No mention of Yar, you disloyal losers/former coworkers. Picard dodging a bullet with this Parachute Pants science-digger (science is the new NFL in the future you guys)! To quote succinctly: “You don't mess with time! You don't f__k with time, m_____________r! “ - Rick and Morty. Picard punishing a very bad towel! Girl talk, Troi and Crusher dishing on their crushes while Crusher’s patient is dying behind her! No one getting leave! Maybe a fabricated STD test? 

Well guys, to paraphrase a famous line from Casablanca, “We”ll always have Yar, (even if y’all promptly forgot.)”

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You guys, TASHA YAR DIES IN THIS ONE. Like game over, no resurrection, straight up dead. I was not prepared for this, I knew the character was being taken out of the series but I assumed her character was getting transferred to like the more competent ship that Starfleet doesn't have a camera crew on! NOT COOL, TNG.

Oh, and making her death even worse is that Crusher basically tries to use a defibrillator ON TASHA'S BRAIN when trying to revive her. And literally no one steps in, so shame on everyone in that room, because I read an article about a kindergartner who saved his grandfather at an airport after he had a heart attack by using an AED by following the picture directions, so what the damn hell.

So I really don't care about the rest of the plot of this episode because I am legit angry since Tasha is my favorite character and she legit got an ignoble death. But basically, Troi crashes on this planet with a sentient BP Oil Slick who was abandoned by his fellow folks and is immortal and bored, so it likes to torture humans to force interaction. It's holding Troi hostage, who was on a shuttle coming back from a poncho convention before it crashed on this thing's planet. I think this creature can be rehabilitated, but Dave disagrees #spacism. If this evil oil slick has only had interactions with other organisms based off of injury than how does it know that friendliness might invoke the same amusement? Jeez, everyone is so judgmental. Plus, let's be honest, a giant oil blob monster would look awesome on a Starfleet Recruitment Brochure. 

Alas, everyone is just interested in being rude to the hapless oil blob monster and once again Picard is all about the Prime Selective Directive. 

Featuring: Riker getting hurt again (haha)! Tasha predicting a swift death for herself accurately because Crusher was around! Spaaaaace goooo! Data not understanding sand is very bothersome for human eyeballs! Biffles Worf and Tasha  bro-ing down for the last time! Anger throwing ice cubes because of senseless favorite character death (that's more a me thing)! Everyone being a jerk to this orphaned oil slick sentient being! Troi basically exchanging Tasha's life for a bunch of ponchos! Literally all of the leadership leaving the bridge! And so much more.

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Ok guys, you're in for a treat, Dave did this week's episode description as he doesn't remember this one that well:

This week the Prime Directive is suddenly a thing again as the Enterprise sets out to study a super cool star with a weirdly changing magnetic whatevers. The ship gets all friggin' bluey on them because no one thought powerful magnetic fields could harm computers and electrical systems. We then meet some other space freighter crew who actually make the Enterprise crew look real competent by comparison.

But it turns out the other space freighter crew were actually doing a drug deal! And this was a deal between the good farming people of Pawnee and the nicely dressed but evil people Eagleton! The planet names are different but this is basically the situation. Also, these people (spoiler) happen to be kind of like electric eels. Which is way cool! But we only get to see it briefly. Like twice.

There’s a lot in this one! While Riker is barely in this one, he does manage to get his left nipple electrocuted. Tasha, as always, is kicking ass and waiting for everyone to catch up. Picard decides this is one of the weeks where he will follow the Prime (Selective) Directive. Wes gets told that “Drugs are bad…m’kay”. And Crusher, in her first real act of medicining, is able to distinguish a plague from people high on narcotics (tepid applause).  

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So yet again, a Starfleet ship has gone missing. I mean at this point can they like budget in some Airtags or SOMETHING because this is really starting to look bad on Starfleet. How do you keep "losing ships?" Moreover, how do you keep losing all of the hundreds of people that were on the missing ship and are so blasé about it? I am embarrassed for Starfleet. Maybe they should be using money because then people would actually have some kind of reward for keeping track of ships. I digress.

It turns out the last known sighting of this ship was on ET's home planet, yikes. But don't worry guys, if you're like me and really find ET to be scary in a totally irrational way, there was no way they could afford the rights from Spielberg to have ETs pop up. By the way, the ET thing is not canon, I'm just convinced it's the same world because the planet looks identical to the one on the ET Ride at Universal Studios. ETs freak me out y'all. Predators, xenomorphs, no problems, but those ET creatures just seem like they have ulterior (probably human eating) motives.

Luckily, the crew has to deal with a super intelligent ever evolving AI killing machine and a very persistent salesman! Far better than a fleet of ETs, if you ask me. Crusher gets crushed falling into a hole and does not crush treating her own injuries, dragging Picard down with her, Levar gets to be captain, and Yar is just trying to her sh** together as she keeps having to remind the away team to fire back at the things that fire at you.

Featuring: NO ETs (thank god)! A very prominent blue screen! Crusher rubbing alien plants into open wounds with no possible idea of the effects! Pantyhose/shampoo bottle assassination robots! Yet another new Chief Engineer, because I assume Argyle quit, and this guy is a douchecanoe named Logan! Logan vs Levar! Worf seemingly quiet quitting! Picard taking on a planet load of credit card debt! The return of the saucier! Confusion about the chain of command! Picard getting pulled into a hole by friggin' Crusher!

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Sorry for the hiatus last week, y'all. Family stuff came up!

Anyhow, we're back, and I am as confused as ever because don't these people live and work together like 24/7, pretty much 365 days a year? If so, they really need to work on their interpersonal communication because damn do they not know each other well. Like do some trust falls, or a Ropes course, or play two Datas and a Lore, y'all.

So basically Picard seemingly sets up this ruse so that he and the rest of the crew can ask Levar about his awesome space visor, like basic stuff, like "what can you see through there" and Levar patches his visor-vision through to the main screen so they can see it, and I feel embarrassed  for Levar that he has to answer the types of questions I feel like he should have gotten day one...like does no one make small talk? Or is talking about space visors a breach in Starfleet ettiquette, hence the elaborate ruse?

Well it turns out it's not a ruse! It's a violent attack by Ferengi! Psych, that's what everyone on the Enterprise thinks when they stumble upon a beat up coal transport ship and the ruins of another ship. But it's not, they're just spacist. Again. Seriously, what did the Ferengi do to Starfleet for this treatment?! It's an ugly look Starfleet. You're ugly.

Turns out the transport ship is harboring some super dicey Klingon characters. And yet again we see how little the crew knows each other, as FOR NO REASON AT ALL, Worf's loyalty is questioned just because he's a Klingon too. Picard clutches his pearls when he finds out his Klingon subordinate Worf is *gasp* a Klingon! Surprise, I did not like this episode.

Featuring: Spacism! Some weirdly religious stuff the visiting Klingons say that sounds like church recruitment! Innocent Ferengi being blamed for the universes' problems! Picard awkwardly asking Levar about his visor vision in a way that makes me think maybe it's politically incorrect to ask about it in this world! Space terrorists! Really terrible security! Kidnapping! Just kidding it's just a wayward child! A lack of basic knowledge in gun fighting. Oh and two more nameless Starfleet people dying that no one cares about, they don't even get named! RIP security guys 1 and 2.

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This episode debuts Wesley's new haircut, which looks terrible. I guess the ship barber doesn't care for his nepo status. Sick burn, barber, totally support your decision making. Speaking of blowing Wesley out of the airlock, it's his time to shine as he's going to take this insanely inconsistent and irritating entrance exam to Starfleet. Good luck, because even the test administrators don't seem to know the parameters for success! At least he meets a hot fellow candidate who actually can stand him for two minutes and maybe gets her space number, so it's not all bad.

Another super boring old white dude who's an admiral and supposedly friends with Picard beams aboard with this Starfleet OSHA guy to inspect the ship, but the admiral is very frosty to Picard so everyone is a total diva towards the OSHA guy as a result, even though OSHA guy raises some very good questions. We see Riker mount a chair like a horse, which is weird and not as cool as he thinks it is. 

And like everyone else, the OSHA dude forgets to ask about Singh, so my expectations of Starfleet are met, as I deem it an unsafe work environment and even their OSHA is underwhelming. But yes, by all means ask about Crusher's dead husband, because that's super relevant. Weirdest inspection ever.

Featuring: Air cocaine! Painted hallway backdrops! The same soundproofing foam we use! Worf apologizing to Wesley?! Jake or maybe Jkae, we aren''t sure! Very confusing social strata! Admission woes! Also, advantages for nepo babies and the rich in admissions, that aged well! A poor unsuspecting candidate for Starfleet that's being used to combat the rumors that Starfleet has been mad speciesist against the Ferengi amongst other species! A guy who loves a beam a little too much, like way too much!

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Well if y'all have watched that documentary on Biosphere 2, you know how this episode ends. If you haven't, here's what you should know. Sealing 4 people up in a terraforming base that could be on that "Tiny House" show is a bad idea, especially when one of the actors moonlights as...a Bond KGB antagonist! Just to be clear though he's not in the KGB in the Star Trek Universe. Anyway, these terraformers really suck at their jobs and are killing off the native population of the planet, which is sooo not Prime Directive of them.

Crusher touches a ball of electricity and suddenly knows science, which is a reach and really incites anger in me as she struggled with unfolding blankets in earlier episodes, but what do I know, I don't magically have PhD level knowledge in unrelated fields to medicine. 

Picard and crew are called "ugly bags of mostly water" and he has no chill and calls the alien species that the terraformers have accidentally been massacring for decades "microbrains" which is really freaking rude. They don't go to your house, kill your friends, and mock your height, Picard! Rude!

Featuring: Crusher being fed science knowledge through an earpiece! A rant on why the film Prometheus is actually awesome and gets an unfair rep! A private bathroom for the programmers! A mullet bearing scientist who just wants to be with his one true love,  a laser! Someone with a bigger ego than Riker?! And a set I bet they built for less than $500!

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Well we got a doozy this week. This is a pretty middle of the road episode, gotta say. Long story short, a childless planet kidnaps a few kids off of the Enterprise, including Wesley (they have kidnapper's remorse like immediately) but I guess it's bad manners to return kidnapped kids so they're just stuck with him?

No one seems to understand radiation, Chris Hansen is nowhere in sight, and we find out that children have a trombone value, which Riker would like to evaluate further as he wants to beef up his trombone collection. It remains unclear what the trade value of a child to trombone is though, so don't expect much of a resolution.

In fact, lower your expectations for any resolutions because except for some kid getting out of of three days of calculus homework, it's a pretty bland episode. And I'm fairly certain this has a really morbid resolution but Dave tries to talk me out of it. 

Featuring: No Stardate WHERE AND WHEN ARE WE it's total chaos! Terrible, just awful slight of hand! Questionable parenting! The age old question, how many trombones is a child worth? The awkward incest question in the room that no one is talking about! Skynet if it got infected by something that made it super chill and just let humans eradicate themselves! 

P.S. Our giveaway is over! Congratulations to our winners, we hope you like your mugs! :)

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We have another podcast called Anecdotes for Awkward Folks if you like bizarre historical stories, so give it a listen if that sounds appealing! Thanks for listening!

So we have this dude in super terrible prosthetics who is like in his mid 20s pretending to be 100 and it takes you out of the episode right away. I mean, these are really embarrassing prosthetics. I'm guessing the make up dude responsible for them was just dumped by his significant other and was just phoning it in that week. It's bad. And they forgot to do the actor's hands, so he has the hands of a 20 something.

You can guess where this goes, young actor pretending to be old magically Benjamin Buttons and there's an unnecessarily  complicated and inconsistent plot to move this along. His name is Jameson, which is a respectable whiskey, so there's one positive thing about this episode. Also at first I think he has a trophy wife who's decades younger but then this Jameson fellow ends up being the trophy husband, so that's gotta be a weird social dynamic we don't get into.

Appartently you get promoted for arms dealing in Starfleet, because Jameson gave them out like candy to this one planet and now that planet's leader wants revenge! But no one wants to know where the hell Jameson got this youth serum from? I warned you, this plot makes as much sense as Picard getting hair extensions.

Also, our station manager Chewbie attempts to get a raise via chemical warfare.

Featuring: Space Burt Gummer from Tremors! Terrible prosthetics! Picard having to deal with a high maintenance Admiral! Arms dealing sanctioned by Starfleet! Imaginary hostages! Tasha Yar being the only g-d person to actually make a shot! Troi feeling things! A very confused (trophy?) wife!

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Well well well, this is exactly why Starfleet needs to update their IT staff and not make them as disposable as Singh, because then episodes like this wouldn't happen. The Enterprise stops by a space base for some R & R and software updates to make the holodeck a little bit less murdery only for it to go awry when the software starts acting crazy!

Picard third wheels a holodate with Riker, I assume Crusher opened spam to print out a fake MD or DVM Diploma which is why the software probably needed updating in the first place (note: this is Amara's take, not actually in the episode, as is Crusher's project on cybernetics and regeneration). 

Data paints super well, Riker is a negging jackwagon to him and Levar for no reason, and no one can explain why everyone in space wears onesies. How are they practical? I just don't get it. Also, for people working on a starship, the staff really suck at evacuating. Like did they not go over how to walk on bridges connected to space stations from the spacecraft you are evacuating from at Starfleet? Someone really needs to do an audit of that place.

Featuring: Casual disregard for safety by using the holodeck again! Riker falls for AI! Riker boning (get your mind out of the gutter it's not that)! Parcheesey Squares! Casual walking with only five minutes until your ship blows up! Ferengis in disguise? Why you should always backup your planet's data!

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We have another podcast called Anecdotes for Awkward Folks if you like bizarre historical stories, so give it a listen if that sounds appealing! Thanks for listening!