Talking sex with your teen - yep, it's going to be awkward

It's the 2023 recap, with a cameo appearance from Justine dog Ollie (there was a thunderstorm approaching, listen to the end to hear his sign off!)

In this episode we talk about the podcast, this year's season, the guests we've had on and our top 5 episodes for the year.

We get into answering tricky questions, because that's what a lot of parents will be doing over the summer here in Australia, where there might be more time to check in with kids, and time too to have that conversation you've been putting off.

And we finish with going through some real anonymous questions that have come through the Q box during the year, with emerging themes of: children not being able to talk to their parents about getting their period for the first time, and teenagers struggling with how to slow down the sexual aspects of a relationship, how to communicate about boundaries and also, one interesting question: is it normal to not want to kiss your partner?

Listen for our tips and Justine's fantastic idea which would be very helpful for children/parents who struggle to talk face to face. Bottom line: this doesn't mean the conversation doesn't -- or shouldn't -- happen!

We want to wish everyone a happy and safe holiday season!

In this episode, Justine and Jenny talk feelings. We all have them, and sometimes they can be a challenge. Even as parents and caregivers, we still have our feelings while trying to help support our children. We discuss why it's important to teach and talk about emotions, because as adults we need to be able to manage/self-regulate and express emotions appropriately, and we want to raise children into humans who are ok to be around. We chat strategies and structures and why those big emotional displays can sometimes be an indication that something is not quite right.
 
 Mentioned in this episode:

·      Concept of ‘taught not caught’

·      Strategies and structures

·      Tiredness can be a big factor in meltdowns

·      Hunger less so, but can be relevant

·      Sometimes big emotional displays are a sign a parent needs to probe a bit more, be curious about where it’s coming from

·      Mood swings

·      The idea of a world made for extroverts, and how introverts manage

·      Importance of parents being curious and not interrogating

·      Encouraging children to come up with self soothing strategies (that are healthy and sustainable)

·      Importance of being aware of other people’s emotions, especially important for developing empathy and learning about respect

·      Reading books – with young children, looking at the character illustrations and pointing out facial expressions

·      Empathy and the connection to fiction – imagining how things are for others

·      Anger and society/cultural attitudes; gender differences between expression of anger (girls/boys)

·      How can we teach our children to manage their anger in healthy ways

·      The importance of apology – techniques of apologising and accepting apologies. Parents need to model how to apologise

Correction: difference between feelings and emotions. Many people use interchangeably but there is a technical difference

Resources and other things we mention in this episode:

Before Your Teenagers Drive You Crazy, Read This!: Battlefield Wisdom for Stressed-Out Parents, by Australian author Nigel Latta

Lena Dunham podcast – The C Word (not educational, more a contemporary cultural look at women and how they’ve been labelled mad and bad, or ‘crazy’)

Please visit our website sexeducationaustralia.com.au where you can listen to our other episodes and also browse our pages for more resources, information and support.  General primary resources are listed here: https://sexeducationaustralia.com.au/resources-2/resources-for-parents/ and secondary resources here: https://sexeducationaustralia.com.au/resources-2/secondary-resources/

Send us questions or comments to THATsexedpodcast@gmail.com 

In this wide-ranging discussion, Jenny speaks with one of our fabulous educators. Rebecca is in her fifth year working for Sex Education Australia. She is secondary-trained as a teacher and hadn’t taught sex ed before joining our company. While working with SEA, Rebecca has dabbled with all the grades but generally works in Year 5 and above, and at the secondary level. She has also done a bit of teacher training around inclusive language

We talk:

• Gender roles, parenting roles and balancing child care with ‘outside the home’ work
• How different families can be
• The idea of ‘lead’ or ‘primary’ carer
• The importance of listening, being exposed to perspectives we disagree with
• Rebecca gives a great explanation of sexual intercourse – ‘something that grown-ups can do with their bodies’. Rebecca’s 5 ½ year old happy to leave it at that
• Advice to parents if have child asking to be called a different name or referring to themselves as a gender they weren’t assigned at birth. Some children are working out identity stuff really early

And there are so many great quotes from Rebecca:

‘Two years ago no [students] would have known the term ‘non binary’

‘The concepts are relatively simple, when you take the politics out of it’

‘If you talk about people’s feelings, and you don’t write anybody’s feelings off and everyone’s allowed to have their feelings and have their perspective in a way that doesn’t dehumanise other people, that’s the closest we can maybe come to taking the politics out’

‘ People who have daughters are really across this stuff… people who have sons think one of two things: ‘Oh he’s just a little baby still – sweet and innocent still, I don’t want to corrupt him’ or they think ‘well that’s just part of what it is to grow up to be a man and he’ll get through “gross puberty” and we’ll send him off and he’ll just get on with it.’

‘I’m coming across these boys like today, who follow me out of the room and say “Rebecca, thank you so much.” And look me in the eye. And they are so genuine because they have not had somebody chat with them about the basic functions of their body.’

‘The focus should be basic universal ideas around respect and consent’

‘We need more men around who can model masculinity in positive ways’

‘The idea that boys and men are unable to process their feelings without a woman – they need a sister or mum [to help them do that]’ . Idea from book Peggy Orenstein ‘Boys and Sex’

‘Talk to people that you respect and trust who are well-read and who understand what the best research and best practices are. Read books, talk with your partner if you have one, think about how it’s going to work in your broader family.’

Resources:

Boys and Sex – Peggy Orenstein

Ezra Klein Show on Apple Podcasts

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-ezra-klein-show/id1548604447

Rainbow Family Playgroups

Billie B Brown and Hey Jack – Sally Rippin and Aki Fukuoka

Anything by Cory Silverberg

Visit our website sexeducationaustralia.com.au to browse our pages for more resources, information and support. 

Send us questions or comments to THATsexedpodcast@gmail.com
 
Thanks for listening!
 
Jenny + Justine 

Justine and Jenny talk ‘nuts and bolts’ – safer sex, STIs and contraception. We know how important it is for young people to learn how to take charge of all aspects of their health -- including their sexual health if that becomes part of their lives -- as they're growing up. Having a conversation with your young person is not promoting anything other than the idea that you want them to be informed in a way that will help them be healthy, well and safe. Research tells us young people want to hear from their parents about these topics – even if you think they’re not listening, keep talking!

*** Disclaimer: we aren’t medical professionals or lawyers. This information (as well as what's presented in the episode) is for education purposes only. 
Please make sure you seek professional advice if necessary ***

Topics we cover:

• Confidentiality – eg ‘Can I see a doctor on my own? Will they tell my parents?’
• What is a ‘mature minor’?
• Medicare cards and bulk billing
• How parents can consider starting a conversation around the topic of medical rights with their teenager
• Sexually Transmissible Infections (STIs)/contraception
• Suggest young people to do research online around contraception (from credible sources)
• Encourage young people to fact check, eg getting health info from TikTok etc. There are some good educators but also a lot of people with agendas and misinformation
• Parents should let their young people know if they hear something that seems wrong or contradicts what they know or were taught, it’s important to check in about it
• Condoms – most easily-accessed and used form of contraception. Also protect pretty well against STIs
• Dams
• Emergency contraception (EC), also known as Plan-B by many young Australians
• IUDs
• STI tests at least once a year if sexually active
• Stigma of STIs, disclosure of STI status to partner
• UTIs/thrush/cystitis – not STIs but can be common and are something to be managed
• Consent
• Importance of being inclusive, and parents acknowledging that not all humans want to be sexual; some practice celibacy for various reasons, some identify as asexual

Services we mention:

Better Health Channel 

Sexual Health Victoria

SHV Melbourne Clinic

Freecall 1800 013 952
Telephone 03 9660 4700

Mon-Fri 9am-5pm
 Level 1, 94 Elizabeth Street
 Melbourne VIC 3000

 Jean Hailes

 TikTok educator – Sex Ed with DB (18+ material; it’s ‘out there’ so be prepared)

 Please visit our website sexeducationaustralia.com.au where you can listen to our other episodes and also browse our pages for more resources, information and support.   

Secondary resources are listed here: https://sexeducationaustralia.com.au/resources-2/secondary-resources/

Send us questions or comments to THATsexedpodcast@gmail.com
 
Thanks for listening!
 
Jenny + Justine

Justine chats with Kardie Whelan, a disability and community educator at Sexual Health Victoria. Kardie has worked as a sexuality educator for people with cognitive disability for the past 15 years, and in a variety of disability settings including special schools and TAFEs.

Mentioned:

• About language – what to use and what not to use
• person first approach to language
• Assumptions people shouldn’t make about a person with a disability
• Children and young people with a disability are at greater risk of sexual abuse
• The idea of approaching sexuality education from a place of pleasure rather than risk or protection platforms

Final tips

1.     Talk early, talk often
2.     Avoid jargon, innuendo
3.     Be clear
4.     Be concise

Resources

·       https://www.secca.org.au/
·       SECCA app
·       Planet Puberty
·       Anatomically correct dolls
·       https://www.amaze.org.au/2019/03/amaze-launches-autism-accessible-menstruation-resources/
·       SHV Special Schools Toolkit

Books 

·       About Masturbation for Males
·       About Masturbation for Females
·       Special Boys Business
·       Puberty and Special Girls
·       Things Tom likes
·       Things Ellie likes
·       What’s Happening to Ellie
·       What’s happening to Tom

 Please visit our website sexeducationaustralia.com.au where you can listen to our other episodes and also browse our pages for more resources, information and support.  Primary resources are listed here: https://sexeducationaustralia.com.au/resources-2/resources-for-parents/ and secondary resources here: https://sexeducationaustralia.com.au/resources-2/secondary-resources/

Send us questions or comments to THATsexedpodcast@gmail.com
 
Thanks for listening!
 
Jenny + Justine

In this episode, Justine and Jenny continue their chat about how to answer those tricky questions that we can get as parents and caregivers from our children. In the classroom, our team run an activity called Anonymous Question Box and in this episode we look at some more of those Year 5/6 (age 10-11 years old) questions.

As soon as they go out into the world we need to arm them. If we’ve never discussed things with them, then they won’t come to us. They are going to hear things from other people - right and wrong - and they will hear about things that confuse them. They may see things too, either material they've found themselves because of curiosity or other people may show them videos and pictures. So if we as parents aren't present and available and willing to speak, to answer questions, to correct misinformation and give clear expectations, then we are leaving our kids alone to navigate the big job of growing up.
 
Questions talked about in this episode:

Why do people get crushes?
Why do people get erections? They're embarrassing, how can I manage them?
What's porn? My friend thinks it's funny but what is it?
When is the right time to have sex? How does someone know they're ready?

Other things we talk about: 

What is normal sexual development versus what would be considered red flag behaviour (check out these graphics from the NT and QLD governments:

https://education.nt.gov.au/__data/assets/image/0010/731683/traffic_lights_guide.jpg

https://www.qld.gov.au/community/getting-support-health-social-issue/support-victims-abuse/child-abuse/child-sexual-abuse/sexual-behaviour-in-children

Please visit our website sexeducationaustralia.com.au where you can listen to our other episodes and also browse our pages for more resources, information and support.  Primary resources are listed here: https://sexeducationaustralia.com.au/resources-2/resources-for-parents/ and secondary resources here: https://sexeducationaustralia.com.au/resources-2/secondary-resources/

Send us questions or comments to THATsexedpodcast@gmail.com
 
Thanks for listening!
 
Jenny + Justine

Justine and Jenny answer some of the tricky questions that their team has received in schools, to show parents and caregivers how to approach the questions that can come from children towards the end of primary school. 

As soon as they go out into the world we need to arm them. If we’ve never discussed things with them, then they won’t come to us. They are going to hear things from other people - right and wrong - and they will hear about things that confuse them. They may see things too, either material they've found themselves because of curiosity or other people may show them videos and pictures. So if we as parents aren't present and available and willing to speak, to answer questions, to correct misinformation and give clear expectations, then we are leaving our kids alone to navigate the big job of growing up.

 
Student questions answered in this episode (from year 5 & 6 students, approximately 10-11 years old):

How can I tell my friends that telling jokes about sex isn't funny?
What is sex?
(This from a parent: I saw an 8-year-old call their mum 'sexy' in the playground after school.'
What's a blow job?
What's a condom?
How and why do people masturbate?

Resources we talk about:
Sex is a Funny Word: A Book about Bodies, Feelings and YOU, by Corey Silverberg
The Amazing True Story of How Babies are Made, by Fiona Katauskas

Please visit our website sexeducationaustralia.com.au where you can listen to our other episodes and also browse our pages for more resources, information and support.  Primary resources are listed here: https://sexeducationaustralia.com.au/resources-2/resources-for-parents/ and secondary resources here: https://sexeducationaustralia.com.au/resources-2/secondary-resources/

Send us questions or comments to THATsexedpodcast@gmail.com
 
Thanks for listening!
 
Jenny + Justine

In this episode Justine talks with Holly-ann Martin, founder of Safe4Kids, which she established in 2011, to work towards child abuse prevention. In 2016, Holly-ann was inducted into the WA Women’s Hall of Fame, and some people may not know but she’s a very accomplished swing dancer. Holly-ann is working towards the reduction of child sexual abuse and so all her programs are built around the concepts of protective education. With 88% of pornography showing violence against women, 45% of all child sexual abuse being child-to-child or teenager-to-child, and with a 122% increase in online grooming over the last three years (due to Covid and children being on screens more) it would feel like an uphill battle. However, Holly-ann is tireless and dedicated. She chats in this episode with Justine Kiely-Scott.

Topics covered:

• the remote and other work Holly-ann does
• why Holly-ann doesn’t use the term ‘pornography’ with children under 10; and how she does talk about sexual material online
• Holly-ann says ‘it’s not just pornography. It’s horror and violence as well’
• how children in Holly-ann’s classes tell her the main places they see pictures of naked people are on YouTube and TikTok, and then after that iPhones and iPads
• what parents need to tell their children, to prepare for them seeing something online
• what children fear most about telling their parents that they’ve seen something
• the importance of adults modelling healthy expression of feelings
• safe versus unsafe secrets
• the key online safety tips parents should be aware of
• how parents can report child exploitation; what they should do if they see something on their child’s phone (and what they should not do)
• how parents can manage risk to their child at playdates; what sorts of things to think about
• the concept of the ‘No Trouble Bubble’
• why using technology as a punishment (ie threats to take it away) might not be a good idea
• difference between feelings and behaviour
• importance of children learning how to describe behaviour, eg instead of just saying ‘they were teasing me’ being able to say exactly what the other child was doing
• idea of family code words

Links mentioned in the show:

Online agreement for families (sign up to receive free at the link below, as well as read tips on keeping your kids safe online)
https://safe4kids.com.au/strategies-to-help-ensure-your-child-is-cyber-safe/ 

YouTube channel with all Holly-ann’s songs (and lots of other useful videos)
https://www.youtube.com/user/Thesafe4kids 

 Poster: what to do if a child discloses abuse
https://safe4kids.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2022/02/Safe4Kids-Disclosure.pdf

Common Sense Media (reviews of games and films for parents to inform themselves and help them make decisions)
https://www.commonsensemedia.org/

eSafety Commissioner
https://www.esafety.gov.au/ 

Australian Centre to Counter Child Exploitation (ACCCE)
https://www.accce.gov.au/ 

ThinkUKnow

In this episode, Jenny and Justine reprise their chat about pornography (look up the previous episode which is for parents of younger, primary-aged children); but this time, focusing on how parents of secondary-aged children can approach the topic, answer questions, manage exposure incidents and inform themselves as part of preparing. ‘It’s not if but when’ is the catch-cry.

Links to research mentioned:

• Common Sense Media: ‘Teens & Pornography’ (2022) https://is.gd/4wCwP5
• UK Children’s Commissioner: ‘A lot of it is actually just abuse: Young people and pornography’ (2022) https://is.gd/0uXRrJ
• ARCSHS ‘The 7th National Survey of Australian Secondary Students & Sexual Health’ (2021) https://is.gd/m2kEy5

***

And if you happen to have a younger child – aged 5 to 12 – you might be interested in our upcoming webinar for parents called Talk to me first: pornography. Justine will cover why it’s so important for parents to be pro-active about this issue, and how to best support young children when they’re exposed. Let’s face it, porn has changed the landscape and it’s an enormous challenge for schools and families, but most of all children.

What's covered:

• Why and when parents need to talk
• How to get conversations started
• How to respond if your child has seen pornography
• Where to go for help and support
• Q&A

Link to TryBooking, event Talk to me first: pornography, for parents and caregivers of children aged 5 - 12.

***

Please visit our website sexeducationaustralia.com.au where you can listen to our other episodes and also browse our pages for resources, information and support.

Primary resources are listed here: https://sexeducationaustralia.com.au/resources-2/resources-for-parents/

Secondary resources are here: https://sexeducationaustralia.com.au/resources-2/secondary-resources/
 
Thanks for listening!
 
Jenny + Justine

In this episode, Jenny talks with global thought leader Kirra Pendergast, who is the founder and CEO of Safe on Social. Kirra has worked at the cutting edge of Information Technology and Information (Cyber) Security since 1991. 

 Safe on Social is now the largest, most trusted, and in-demand cyber safety education and training group of companies globally. Kirra splits her time between the Asia Pacific Headquarters in Byron Bay, Australia, and Safe on Social's UK and European Headquarters in London, England, and Florence, Italy.

A dynamic and engaging public speaker, and international media commentator on cyber safety, cyber bullying, and social media risk management, she has written for too many media organisations to list and has appeared on major international news channels. She is a regular guest on podcasts across the world.

Kirra has dedicated the last 14 years of her career to working at the coalface of cybersafety by educating people as young 5yrs old through to seniors over 70yrs old. She understands every aspect of the sector.

Kirra’s lived experience sets her and Safe on Social apart. She experienced the nightmare of being the target of a vicious cyberbullying and online hate campaign orchestrated by someone she trusted in early 2014. This experience continues to influence her work. 

The talk ranges over a wide area and will be of interest to anyone in the care of children or teens, anyone whose children or teens have access to devices that can connect to the internet. So that's all of us parents?

Some of the things covered:

• Why parents need to keep on top of rapidly-changing technologies and apps
• How parents and caregivers can best support their young people
• How education in this domain has changed in the last ten years
• How common sexting is
• How vulnerable young children are if they use Snapchat, Roblox, Instagram etc
• What teenagers want to know, bottom line -- what to do when things go wrong
• Insights from young people today
• What the future looks like

Helpful links:

• www.safeonsocial.com
• Read more on the Safe on Social blog at this link here
• Questions: wecanhelp@safeonsocial.com

Opportunity:

Discount Code For Readers: 20% off the cost of our ESAFETYHQ Parent Program: sexedau20

Program link: https://www.safeonsocial.com/parents-program

*

Please visit our website sexeducationaustralia.com.au where you can listen to our other episodes and also browse our pages for resources, information and support.

Primary resources are listed here: https://sexeducationaustralia.com.au/resources-2/resources-for-parents/

Secondary resources are here: https://sexeducationaustralia.com.au/resources-2/secondary-resources/
 
Thanks for listening!
 
Jenny + Justine