Using the Enneagram to Grow Your Marriage

I'm so excited to be speaking with Christa Hardin, author of the book "The Enneagram in Marriage: Your Guide to Thriving Together in Your Unique Pairing." In The Enneagram in Marriage, readers will learn to: understand their partner's emotions and reactions extend more grace to their partner and themself have productive conversations that foster connection build a legacy together with intention. Each chapter concludes with three sections that aim to lead readers into a practical engagement with the materials, including tips to think through, questions to spark conversation, and assignments for partners to complete. As Hardin shares, “My ultimate hope as you read this book is that you find refreshment as you become a healthier individual, that you find grace and understanding for your spouse, and most of all, that you find the unique way you can shine together in the world with your unique Enneagram pairing.”

Connect with Christa: https://www.instagram.com/enneagramandmarriage/

https://www.enneagraminyourmarriage.com/enneagram-deeper-dives

ORDER THE BOOK: https://www.amazon.com/Enneagram-Marriage-Thriving-Together-Pairing/dp/1540903370

Instead of focusing on the particular Enneagram types I want to talk a little about the Lower Level of all of numbers. What happens when we are trapped in habitual patterns of thinking and even trauma that has never been dealt with?

Should we start with a song or two?

Oh the weather outside is frightful but ….that’s NOTHING compared to the STORM that’s happening inside!!

Or….Oh there’s no place like Home for the Holidays….WHERE EVERYONE IS ON EDGE!

I attended a class last week that was all about SURVIVING the Holidays with the Enneagram. Why do you think there’s so much focus on the potential disaster of family gatherings?

Raise your hand if you have family member that just has a way of hitting a nerve every time they open their mouth! Perhaps your father-in-law says, "I like what you’ve done with the house. Too bad you didn’t have time to do the yard.”

Or your sister says, "It’s probably good that you don’t worry about keeping the house clean with all of these children."

These are obviously not anywhere close to some of the things that can be said when people are carrying the pain of past experience that has, perhaps, affected the family on a much deeper level.  But the concept is the same.

Eckhart Tolle refers to THE PAIN BODY which is an accumulation of EMOTIONAL PAIN in the mind and body.

For the sake of THIS conversation we’re going to focus on someone else’s pain body but this absolutely applies to all of us. But let’s assume YOU are fully conscious and operating at your highest level of healthy awareness. What happens when you encounter someone with an active Pain Body?

This accumulated pain is a negative energy field that occupies one's body and mind. If you look on it as an invisible entity in its own right, you are getting quite close to the truth. It’s the emotional pain-body. It has two modes of being: dormant and active. A pain-body may be dormant 90 percent of the time; in a deeply unhappy person, though, it may be active up to 100 percent of the time. Some people live almost entirely through their pain-body, while others may experience it only in certain situations, such as intimate relationships, or situations linked with past loss or abandonment, physical or emotional hurt, and so on. Anything can trigger it, particularly if it resonates with a pain pattern from your past. 

This is why family gatherings are breeding grounds for pain body reactions.

But it only takes ONE PERSON being aware to stop a chain reaction. You, yourself, may feel the emotion of past hurt but in that moment of awareness you can decide to step away from the drama. Maybe you literally step away or simply DO NOT RESPOND.

The pain-body wants to survive, just like every other entity in existence, and it can only survive if it is fed. It will feed on any experience that resonates with its own kind of energy, anything that creates further pain in whatever form: anger, destructiveness, hatred, grief, emotional drama, violence, and even illness. So the pain-body, when it has taken over, will create a situation that reflects back its own energy frequency for it to feed on. Pain can only feed on pain. Pain cannot feed on joy. It finds it quite indigestible.

Three words that will help when a Pain Body shows up.....Do Not Engage. 

Resource: Eckhart Tolle

“Now is when all your experience pairs with possibility.
That’s why these years are your Power Years™.

I love that quote from Sara Smeaton, creator of The Power Years™ Passport, The Midlife Manifesto and a wealth of wonderful resources and insight for women entering and traversing Midlife. Sara says..."

You can find all the ways to contact Sara on her Resource Page: Sara Smeaton

Type 1s - They already carry the core FEAR of Being wrong, bad, inappropriate or Immoral

They ARMOR UP by thinking….It’s not okay to make mistakes therefore.....I must strive to follow the rules, be responsible and catch my mistakes before others do. It’s the only way I’ll be safe and loved. 

Type 2s They already carry the core FEAR of Being unloved, unwanted, needy

They ARMOR UP by thinking- People depend on me for help. I will earn the love and appreciation of others through acts of selflessness. I am only worthwhile if I am liked and needed therefore I will be loved if I am loving. It’s the only way I will be safe and loved. 

Type 3s They already carry the core FEAR of Failing to appear successful, being exposed as incompetent

They ARMOR UP by thinking - The world values winners. I must succeed at all costs. I must avoid failure. I am what I do – to earn my place, I must be the best at what I do. This is how I feel safe and loved. 

Type 4s They already carry the core FEAR of Being without identity, misunderstood, flawed

They ARMOR UP by thinking  - Something is missing – I must find what is missing in my life. I must be true to my purpose and express my authentic self. I must create beauty and meaning for myself and for the world.This is how I feel safe and loved.

Type 5s They already carry the core FEAR of Being helpless, incompetent, without resources

They ARMOR UP by thinking  -The world is intrusive; I must protect my resources and energy so that I can think. I must be self-sufficient and not depend on others too much. I must understand and make sense of my world. I don’t need much but I need my space. This is how I feel safe and loved. 

Type 6s They already carry the core FEAR of Being unprepared, afraid, being blamed, without support 

They ARMOR UP by thinking - The world is a threatening and unsafe place. Be prepared. Be loyal. People can count on me. Be careful who you trust. I must not be afraid, but I must not let my guard down. I must protect myself, but I must be loyal. This is how I feel safe and loved. 

Type 7s They already carry the core FEAR of Missing out, being deprived, trapped in emotional pain and being bored 

They ARMOR UP by thinking  - The future is full of exciting possibilities and I must experience it all! If I prioritize planning for future activities I can escape confronting present, painful circumstances.This is how I feel safe and loved.

Type 8s They already carry the core FEAR of Weakness, vulnerability, being controlled 

They ARMOR UP by thinking - The world is a tough and unjust place – only the strong survive. I am a rock; I must not be weak. I must be in control. I’ll do it my way! This is how I feel safe and loved.

Type 9s They already carry the core FEAR of Conflict, feeling shut out, losing connection 

They ARMOR UP by thinking - I am okay as long as the people around me are okay too. The world would be a better place if people could treat each other with respect. I must be tolerant and accepting. I must keep the peace. This is how I feel safe and loved.

Poem by Billy Chapata Instagram https://www.instagram.com/iambrillyant/

#enneagram #enneagram1 #enneagram2 #enneagram3 #enneagram4 #enneagram5 #enneagram6 #enneagram7 #enneagram8 #enneagram9 #howthegrinchstolechristmas

Women in Midlife already know about change! There are conversations everywhere you look about transformation and change. But the conversations mostly discuss what we need to change FROM!! What do we do when things change and we don’t know what they’re changing TO? We may even be pretty sure what we’re changing FROM but sometimes the change TO is a big mystery. Hélène Stelian is helping women to THRIVE in midlife and take some of the mystery out of the change. Hélène is the Midlife Mentor with a passion for facilitating personal development in women 40+. Through her THRIVE community, she helps introspective, curious, action-oriented women 40+ deepen their journeys of self- discovery and growth—and create their next chapter with courage and intention. Be sure to download this FREE gift from e-book Hélène "Thrive in Midlife: Create a No-Regrets Second Half." https://helenetstelian.com/ebook

RESOURCE LINKS:

Website: https://helenetstelian.com/ THRIVE membership:

https://helenetstelian.com/membership/ or www.MyTurnToThrive.com

Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/empoweringwomenmidlife/

Twitter: @htstelian https://twitter.com/HTStelian

LinkedIn: @helene-tragos-stelian https://www.linkedin.com/in/helene-tragos-stelian

YouTube:  @Empowering Women in Midlife 

Midlife Metamorphosis - A Revolution of Spirit

I've taken a refined direction...a place I feel 'at home'.
Carl Jung says..."The first half of life is devoted to forming a healthy ego, the second half is going inward and letting go of it."

For those of us who have lived long enough to form our story, or ego-story, the question is, as we transition to new phases of life...why must we let it go if we've worked so hard to create it? What is its purpose? And how can we let it go if we aren't sure what 'it' is?

Identify. Release. Unfold.

Join me and the beautiful community of midlife women who are sharing the journey together. A place to grow and encourage as we use the enneagram to help us identify what needs to be released so we might unfold into the freedom of life we were created to live!

Come be a part of the Revolution of Spirit! Be sure to sign up for the Newsletter to receive information about the workshop,  pre-course journal prompts and course information.

To visit the website and learn more click here: The Unfolding Enneagram

To register click here: The Unfolding Workshop

How do you use your understanding of the Enneagram with people in your life without saying the word ‘enneagram’ ?  Shantris shares the beauty of simply being aware of the energy of other people to give them support in the ways they need it and, as she says...holding space with "Gracious Expectations."

Like many terms of phrases that have been used with the Enneagram for decades, recently we have begun to expand on the original ones - not change their core meaning but dig a little deeper into the words themselves.

So what if I restated the original childhood message for type 5s in this way….

“It’s not ok to let your guard down because you won’t be able to handle things competently.”

If you’re a type 5 or you love a type 5…does that hit differently?

Let’s add a little more complexity to this scenario - Type 5s are in the Thinking or Head Center of Intelligence (meaning their instinctual way of processing life is from their minds first - not the heart or their gut), they are in the withdrawing stance and they sit right in the middle of the FEAR triad!

The power of deep listening is HEARING what, at times, someone doesn’t even know how to say. Pay attention…you’ll hear. You don’t have to have the right words…you just want them to know you are there, present and listening in whatever way they are emptying their heart. This is how we contribute to less suffering in this world.

To our beautiful type 5s….Breath in this message…”All you truly need to know RIGHT THIS MOMENT is that you are heard and seen and loved.”

#enneagram5 #enneagramtype5 #deeplistening #childhoodmessage #enneagrampodcast