When Your Client is the Problem: Working With Conflict Behaviors

Nowhere is planning more important than when we are trying to communicate in the midst of big emotions or conflict. And today, we dig into the idea of using scripts or planning what you want to say and how you want to say it.

As ADR specialists, we’ve seen hundreds of conversations and negotiations go off the rails because one party failed to be intentional about their communication. We both spend quite a bit of time with clients working on their conflict communication skills by identifying goals, developing strategies, and crafting scripts.

In today's episode, we review the 4 basic communication styles and introduce a 3-step strategy you can use yourself or with clients to communicate assertively, set boundaries, de-escalate conflict, and protect your peace.

Get ready to learn about the life-changing power of:

1. Script
2. Speak
3. Stop

Does this 3-step strategy guarantee your client will get the response they are hoping for? No, not at all. But it does mean that they can walk away from the conversation with their self-respect, boundaries, and power intact. And that's everything.

Learn more about DCA® or  any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: @divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academy
Email: DCA@divorcecoachesacademy.com

When it comes to divorce, co-parenting and conflict, understanding the “why” behind someone's ugly behavior doesn’t provide the tools or strategies clients need to navigate dealing with these individuals. Instead, it can create mindsets that keep them stuck or even complicate the process.

They get caught in the trap of spending more time and energy trying to figure out why their partner behaves the way they do and not enough time and energy focused on how they can insulate themselves and find some peace.

Shifting roles from being someone’s spouse to being their ex is a complicated journey for most of us. Not only are our clients legally divorcing their spouse, but they also must go through the process of emotionally divorcing their spouse and that’s where some of this over-analysis originates.

In January, we held a networking event to discuss Jessica Garza’s TED Talk about emotional contagion and she introduced a strategy she calls “Ok. So What? Now What?” Listen in as we apply these 3 steps to helping clients get out of the rabbit hole of narcissism and shift the focus to peace, safety and decision making.

If you need support to navigate divorce or co-parenting with a difficult character, check out our new DCA online support groups. For just $75/month, you can meet weekly with a professional, certified divorce coach.

Learn more about DCA® or  any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: @divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academy
Email: DCA@divorcecoachesacademy.com

Today we're shining a light on two of the biggest struggles faced by those of us running our businesses solo. And we can tell you from years of experience working with and training certified divorce coaches, the majority of us are independent practitioners. From juggling multiple hats to navigating the sometimes lonely path of entrepreneurship, we're doing it all. And, not everyone makes it.

Solopreneurship is not just a business venture; it's a courageous journey where we are the architects of our own destiny, navigating the challenges of self-reliance, embracing the solitude of innovation, and finding strength in the resilience of our entrepreneurial spirit. Exciting on one hand, yet tremendously scary at the same time!

Being a solopreneur is not for the faint of heart. We were exhausted just talking through the list of all the roles we have to play. And trying to do it all in isolation without support or social interaction - well that doubles the difficulty. 

We've shared that scary ICF statistic that 4 out of 5 coaching businesses fail. But we know plenty of divorce coaching professionals who have thriving practices - it just takes strategy and intention to combat the struggles of solopreneurship. So while you may be running a solo practice, you don't have to do it alone!

Learn more about DCA® or  any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: @divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academy
Email: DCA@divorcecoachesacademy.com

We're thrilled to be joined this week by Jackie Pilossoph, founder of Divorced Girl Smiling.  Jackie says that Divorced Girl Smiling (DGS) is like going to Starbucks with your friend to talk about your divorce and your love life. DGS is about community — the community is those facing divorce and those who have dedicated their careers to helping people in their shoes.

Today we talk about why community is so vitally important for those experiencing divorce and how the right community can improve outcomes for everyone. One of Jackie's passions is matching people with the right professionals so they can get the expert support they need. She offers a free 30-minute consult for those going through divorce where she listens with an empathetic ear and then provides personal introductions to divorce professionals with the necessary skills, knowledge and expertise.

Jackie shares how she wishes divorce coaching had been accessible when she went through her divorce. She sees how valuable it would have been to have someone other than her attorney to help her process emotions, understand the process, advocate for herself, de-escalate conflict, and make values-based decisions.

You can find Jackie and Divorced Girl Smiling:

Website: divorcedgirlsmiling.com
Instagram: @divorced_girl_smiling
Facebook: DivorcedGirlSmiling
Podcast: on Apple Podcasts


Learn more about DCA® or  any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: @divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academy
Email: DCA@divorcecoachesacademy.com

Money fears are pretty common in divorce. Clients may be afraid they don’t know enough about money, won’t get enough money or they’ll have to give up too much money. Or they might have concerns that their partner will be difficult and they’ll have to fight to get what’s “fair”. By the way, most of us call “fair” the 4-letter F word in divorce because each person’s definition of “fair” is different and it’s the source of so much disagreement.

In this week’s episode, we dive into the first few important steps when working with money fears. When we are able to dial down fear, we also make it possible for clients to be less reactive, more flexible, and more strategic - and that means less conflict and better decisions.

We find it so interesting that financial fears are one of the most common instigators of divorce conflict because money is widely known as one of the leading causes of divorce in America. We're taking people who likely couldn’t agree about money in their marriage and asking them to make big decisions about money during their breakup. It just doesn’t seem like a recipe for success.

We review working with clients to establish a post-divorce budget and running through possible marital property settlement proposals. The key to minimizing money fears is a combination of understanding the divorce process, financial literacy, and values based decision making. When clients are prepared to negotiate from an interest based perspective, they improve the chances that they’ll get a satisfying outcome.


Learn more about DCA® or  any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/company/divorce-coaches-academy
Email: DCA@divorcecoachesacademy.com

No one likes feeling hopeless and most clients who choose mediation are desperate to avoid the cost and stress of a trial, but how can we help when they feel like it's not going well and they're running out of options? Today we’re going to give you and your client some proven strategies to try when they’re feeling hopeless in their mediation process.

We start with differentiating between making a wish and having hope. While we often say "I hope this or that happens", we mean we are wishing it will happen because hope involves taking action toward a goal, while a wish is out of your control. And that's the great news...high hope people understand that taking action and problem solving not only gets them closer to their desired outcome, but also increases hope.

We talk through 5 strategies you can use with clients when they feel frustrated, stalled or ready to give up in mediation and give you an example of a client who used these tools to make an informed, intentional decision in her mediation process.

If you'd like to learn more and specialize in supporting clients in mediation, please join our next session of Pre-Mediation Divorce Coach Training beginning Feb 5.


Learn more about DCA® or  any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/company/divorce-coaches-academy
Email: DCA@divorcecoachesacademy.com

This week we had a great networking event where we discussed the popular TED Talk, "How to avoid catching prickly emotions from other people". Did you know there's a cactus nicknamed the "jumping cholla" for it's tendency to seemingly shoot cactus spines into unsuspecting passersby? 

The same thing can happen when we get too close to people having big emotions. When a spouse or co-parent is angry, hostile or negative, we can get hurt if we catch those feelings from them. Today we’re going to give you and your clients some information and tools to avoid this “jumping cholla effect” or what we call emotional contagion.

First we dig into how emotional contagion happens, where emotion comes from and how to work with clients to raise awareness about how their beliefs, expectations and even physical symptoms can contribute to this process.

Then we offer some strategies we call "bubble wrap" to provide protection from any pricks that might be flying your way. These include understanding mirror neurons; cognitive reappraisal; "OK, So what, Now What"; and of course, boundaries.

Here’s to staying safe out there.


Watch the TED Talk: Catching Prickly Emotions

Find a DCA® Divorce Coach: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com/coach-locator

Learn more about DCA® or  any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/company/divorce-coaches-academy
Email: DCA@divorcecoachesacademy.com

No doubt we've have all seen some pretty shady characters pull some pretty shady tricks in divorce and co-parenting. There are people in this world that get off on hurting others - the more you hurt, the happier they are. It’s sad to think that people like this exist, but wishing and hoping they were different doesn’t solve the problem. There’s still a settlement agreement to negotiate or years of co-parenting ahead.

This week we're talking about helping clients take control wherever possible to protect their own safety and their own peace. And that means we’re going to be talking about boundaries - making decisions and taking actions that shield them from harm and keep them moving toward their goals.

We run through a little role play to demonstrate the difference between effective and ineffective boundaries. Then we discuss the two things that typically keep clients from acting to set good boundaries (fear and values conflicts) and provide a 4-step process for working through those with them.

Remember that boundaries are an action, not an ask. So when clients are struggling with the behavior of others, our job is to help them determine what options they have that do not rely on their spouse or co-parent’s agreement or compliance. That’s where their power, peace, and safety lie.

Learn more about DCA® or  any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/company/divorce-coaches-academy
Email: DCA@divorcecoachesacademy.com

This week, we're thrilled for you to meet Nikki Bould. Nikki is a highly skilled ADR specialist in New Zealand and she's joining the DCA leadership team to deliver culturally and legally specific curriculum to aspiring New Zealand divorce coaches.

Not only does New Zealand have it's own unique laws and processes when it comes to divorce, but because of the large indigenous population there are cultural impacts and considerations that Kiwi divorce coaches must be prepared to navigate.

Nikki shares that there are currently only about 15 certified divorce coaches in New Zealand and she firmly believes that increasing that number can help families avoid the stress of litigation.  While divorcing families with children are afforded 12 hours of family dispute resolution services (either free or partially funded), these often aren't utilized or aren't effective as they could be.

Increasing the number of divorce coaches with specific ADR skills would provide individual support and education that could be the key to increasing FDR success and decreasing court involvement.

DCA is thrilled to be working with Nikki to bring truly international divorce coaching to New Zealand.

The first New Zealand cohort begins the week of February 12, 2024. Apply now or schedule a 1-1 call with Nikki to learn more at divorcecoachesacademy.com.

Nau mai Nikki!


Where you can find Nikki:
Website: www.thehelpfulhuman.co.nz
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/nikki-bould-mediator-coach


Learn more about DCA® or  any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/company/divorce-coaches-academy
Email: DCA@divorcecoachesacademy.com

What's the best and fastest way to ramp up conflict in divorce and co-parenting? Certainly derailing language is near the top of the list. Those phrases that automatically trigger defensiveness or an emotional response - things like "you always", "you never", "you're overreacting", or Tracy's personal favorite, "calm down".

This week, we unpack how and why this type of language contributes to conflict and we offer 13 strategies you can use with clients to help them stay on track and focused on their goals when it comes to the words they choose.

Communicating during divorce conflict is challenging because emotions are running high, needs aren't being met, someone is feeling threatened, and the stakes feel incredibly high. Derailing language is not only unproductive, it can move the conversation from an opportunity for a problem-solving to a full blown argument and combat. This, in turn, can lead to escalation into litigation, further deterioration of the relationship, and additional impact on children.

Overcoming derailing language is key to maintaining a constructive dialogue that respects all parties involved. By being mindful of our words, listening actively, and expressing ourselves constructively, we can turn conflicts into opportunities for understanding and resolution.


Learn more about DCA® or  any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/company/divorce-coaches-academy
Email: DCA@divorcecoachesacademy.com