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Why Does She Think the Way She Does? - Shyla Lee's Big Reveal #4
About this Episode
As an extra treat, here is the rest of my interview with Shyla Lee. If you are curious how Shyla came to feel strongly about her 3 Big Reveals (she revealed these in the previous episode), you'll want to listen in. This is your opportunity to "Get a Drink with Your New Friend," as mentioned in Episode 2. After each interview, I ask my guest to keep recording with me and explain why she thinks the way she does about each of her 3 Big Reveals. Access to these future Bonus Episodes will be available to our patrons.
If you find yourself curious and want to know more about each of our future guests, head on over to patreon.com/whatshewishes, there will be all kinds of goodies available to you, including a special 1 hour Live Q&A with many of our guests (including Shyla).
Kathleen would love to get your feedback about this episode! Tell her what you loved, what you want more of, or give her a show idea. OR maybe there's something we didn't cover today that you wish we knew about this topic. Shoot Kathleen an email with either a recorded message from your phone recorder (hint, she might just play your voice on the next episode) or write her a quick note and send it to kathleen@whatshewishesyouknew.
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Recent Episodes from What She Wishes You Knew podcast
She Came Out as LGBTQ+, How Do I Love Her Well? -Shelby Forsythia #16
She's Not Happy She's Pregnant, How Do I Love Her Well? - Courtney Patterson #15
Working Mom, Is She Less Than In The Church? - NJ Rongner #14
She's a Foster Parent, How Do I Support Her? -Jillana Goble #13
- "I don't know what it's like to be a foster parent, but I do know you have a lot on your plate, can I help you with this __(yardwork, a meal, laundry) ____?"
- "I don't know what you're going through, but I know it's not just everyday life is normal. I know there are a lot of dynamics going on under the roof of your home."
- "Can I give you a gift card for _____?"
- "Would you like to go to coffee with me?"
- "Can I come take a walk with you?"
- "Oh, I get it ___(a story of a pet you've adopted)___."
- "You're such an angel."
- "I could never do that, I'd just get way too attached."
- "I can't believe those kids are in foster care; they're so clean, polite, or so adorable, or so smart." as if the word foster is the opposite of these words
- "God gives special kids to special people."
- "God will not give you more than you can handle."
- Take her to coffee
- Offer to do practical things for her: laundry, meals, grocery shop, clean a bathroom
- Offer respite care
- Offer to transport her other kids to their practices
- Offer to be a nonjudgmental listening ear
Her Son Has an Addiction, What Do I Say? Part 2 - Jessica McCurdy #12
- “What drugs is he using?” – the path & consequence could be the same –
- “Is it just alcohol?”
- “Addiction is such a stronghold. Just trust God.”
- “He’ll be okay. He’ll find his way. He has a good mama.” – this feeds into her codependency – addiction is not either good or bad, it’s a disease
- “Is he doing good now?”
- “Oh really, Camron doesn’t seem like that type of kid?"
- “You’re so strong; you’ll get through this.”
- “Camron is a good kid; he’ll come out the other side."
- "I’m so sorry. My heart hurts for your mama’s heart."
- "I wish I could take away all this pain for you."
- "I’m crying with you. How can I be here for you?"
- "This must be so devastating."
- "How can I love you through this?" - Jessica's favorite
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- Your friend is going to be going through a lot of loss and it will repeat itself over and over.
- To recognize they may be in fear all the time. They may actually have PTSD.
- stand by her, don't judge her or her son or daughter.
- I wish they would know that coffee dates and going to the movies and taking her to lunch may be the thing that keeps her going for one more day.
- Inviting her to get a pedicure she can’t afford because all her money is being spent on a rehab or counselor,
- going for a walk with her to get her mind off things.
- Remember no one brings them a casserole when their child is going to rehab.
- Just be a friend like you would if she had lost a child and is grieving because she is.
- Know this is a game changer. Her life won’t be the same but it can be better with the Lord. As she finds her identity in Him and not in whether her child is successful and beats their addiction or doesn’t.
- Laugh with her when she laughs and cry with her when she cries but whatever you do, don’t avoid her.
Her Son Has an Addiction, What Do I Say? Part 1 - Jessica McCurdy #11
- 23:20 His first attempt to buy it
- 26:20 Their move to different area of town Freshman year – Revealed he had tried weed in his best friend’s parents’ garage (the dad’s medical marijuana)
- 33:08 Sophomore year his grades went down and he started skipping school and lying about it
- 34:00 He runs away to use with a bunch of friends
- 36:00 How she discovers he has run away
- 37:30 She makes the police report – had to remember what he was wearing
- 38:40 Camron calls and tells her he’s not coming home – the feeling of anger, terror, and powerlessness - the was the beginning of getting used to this feeling of powerlessness
- 41:00 Everyday he would call to check in
- 41:48 Her daily routine for the next 11 days to find him
- 41:27 Always check your kids phones & be in touch with your kid's friends' parents
- 43:48 This is when shame settled in – questioning her own parenting- “What kind of a home do you have that your kid is running away?"
- 45:55 Kathleen: Isn't this a part of parenting? Don't we all tend to see our kids’ behavior as a reflection of our parenting? Any yet we don’t know what’s going on the inside of each other’s homes. It may not have anything to do with our parenting.
- 49:00 More of her shame – this is why parents don’t get help – they go through it alone
- 50:00 Codependency/enabling settles in here – “We are one.” - what he does is a direct reflection of me.
- 51:15 Her healing with Camron to become intra-dependent – Your actions do not change how I am feeling. -You can feel empathy for them but it's not like your whole day will be ruined by their actions
- 52:55 How she figures out he’s using while gone – her Private Investigating work
- 54:50 She was only 6 hours behind him at one point
- 56:04 When you accept the addiction, you get power back – there is a solution for addiction, not a cure
- 57:20 Camron's drug of choice : “more” - what an addict ends with is often not what he started with; it doesn't matter what it is.
- 59:13: She researches treatment centers
- 1:00:50 She calls all the treatment centers – there is not a lot of help in Oregon (Oregon is the 4th worst in access to treatment)
- 1:02:31 He is finally found by the police
- 1:04:08 She picks him up and he seems sad – she starts to grieve because he is gone, his eyes are vacant- she went into action mode
- 1:05:10 Her plan – ultimatum “go on your own, or someone will take you to the rehab clinic”
- 1:06:10 the “transporters” come into the backyard – he says, “You’re not my mom anymore” Called his dad by his first name. – Another defining moment of shame again, “I can’t believe I'm doing this to my son.”
- 1:08:05 Kathleen: "My mama’s heart is breaking because he’s angry with you." – she has had to do this continually – this is not a one-time thing
- 1:09:12 He was in and out of rehab from age 15-18
- 1:10:20 it’s not The Place that brings recovery
- What happens when it does happen to you?
- secrecy
- silence
- we say unloving, unkind, hurtful things only adding to their pain & suffering
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- judgement2. Second Danger: when something horrific happens to our loved ones, out of our own fear, we do not enter into their pain, we run from it
She's Single, How Do I Love Her Well? - Nicole LeBlond #10
- There tends to be a lumping in of never marrieds with divorced and widowed women even though the experiences are quite different.
- The church struggles to know what do with single people.
- Nicole has felt as a single woman there was something wrong with her because she didn't really fit anywhere in the church.
- She has found Women's Ministry Events to be isolating - events seem to focus on a woman's purpose is to be a wife and a mother.
- Separating the Singles out (dividing them by age or gender) is injuring & feels like the church is telling her she doesn't have any worth, like she doesn't have anything to offer the rest of the church.
- This not a gift to the single person, but is a gift to the church
- Because there may be more freedom in their schedule to serve others in the church, singles are then a gift to the church
- this was the theme I heard over and over again
- you might feel attacked & not understand why what we are saying and doing is hurtful, and I'm glad you are noticing those feelings. But I also know you are here because you want to love better. So, if you don't understand why single women are feeling this way in the church, now would be a great time to go to them and have an honest discussion.
- In every Episode Guide I make available to my Patreon Members, I tell them if they've found themselves uncomfortable after the Big Reveal segment of the show, they might want to
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- Seek out others who think like the guest on that particular topic and ask them questions.
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- Keep asking if they turn you down
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- they may not be ready yet (divorced, widowed)
- they may be exhausted doing all the things themselves (if you are married, most of us have someone to shoulder all the burdens with, even if he doesn't seem to pull his weight all time, many of us have a security of knowing there is another person available in times of emergency)
- they may have other plans
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- "You just haven't found the right guy yet."
- "You're going to meet someone, just when you least expect it."
- "Let God be your husband."
- Why aren't you married yet?
- You have to just to stop looking, and then he'll show up.
- Some people aren't meant to be married.
- God's still doing a work in you/him, then you'll be ready.
- Have you found someone yet?
Her Mom Died, What Do I Say? Part 2 -Kim Ludeman #9
- Did any of KIm’s Big Reveals make me feel uncomfortable?
- Can I identify what it was that made me feel this way? Is it because I have strong feelings about that topic that are different than hers?
- Did I notice how that felt in my body? Did I feel my heart race, my muscles tense, or sweat beginning to form on my back?
- Did I notice my emotions? Were they anger, surprise, disappointment, sadness….?
- Am I struggling with Kim as a person now? Do I sense I cannot trust her or do I feel I have lost some respect for her? Do I question the status of her salvation?
Her Mom Died, What Do I Say? Part 1 -Kim Ludeman #8
- Make room for the possibility that her relationship with mom wasn't good -don't assume
- Do you know someone who has a poor relationship with her mom - ask her about that
- Stay away from fixing or silver lining statements
- Remember the significant person in Kim's life in college, Andrea, she didn't say a word, she just held her