Art Sistory

How does one man's art go from petty theater dressings to gracing every teens' phone case and tumblr background? Well, all it takes is talent, sugar daddies, luck, and call from the one and only Sarah Bernhardt. That's the exact cocktail our Czech friend, Alphonse Mucha, cooked up that launched him to stardom! And now every pretty Art Nouveau illustration of a lady with flowing drapery and frilly flowers is his fault. And your new obsession with Sarah Bernhardt is my fault.

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Have you ever seen somebody so hot you think, hey, that can't be real? That's not allowed! That should be impossible! Well, neither had we until we saw THE QUEEN!! The Bust of Nefertiti (1345) is like Angelina Jolie in Maleficent peak hotness but brown. And the real Queen Nefertiti is even better. She changed the canon, changed the religion, and changed THE GAME. Come learn about Nefertiti's legacy, incest?!?, piracy, Hitler, and more in this episode of Art Sistory! 

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The Severan Tondo (200) will blow ya goddamn mind. First of all, it features the family of the Roman Emperor, Septimus Severus, a guy who won the throne after the bloody Year of the 5 Emperors. But that's not even the crazy part. His son's face is erased in one of the most widespread and famous cases of Damnatio Memoriae ever found. Annnnd, he's probably definitely most likely Severus Snape's dad. 

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On the finale of our Russia extravaganza, Danni takes us to the most famous painting in the Hermitage, Danaë (1636)! Now she looks a little... melted.. now but that doesn't mean she doesn't contain multitudes! And she does! Like underneath that face modeled off of Rembrandt's girlfriend, is the face of his dead wife! Woof! Rembrandt you got some 'splaining to do!

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The Church of the Savior on Spilled Blood is the most rock n' roll church in all of Russia. And it's not just the name, Spilled Blood has the chutzpah to back it up. She's got gingerbread aesthetic, bombs in the ceiling, Potato Jesus, and a curse on the Soviet Union! Hang on tight as Brandi attempts to describe the last 200 years of Russian history in 20 minutes. 

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We made it to Europe! And our first stop: Fabergé Eggs. Who made 'em? Who were they for? And why are these dumb little things so expensive?! Danni is here to tell you all about it! And it's much more involved than you might expect. Haven't you heard? There's a rumor in St. Petersburg... 

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New Orleans always got music playin', start in the daytime go all through the night. Especially abouts the witching hour when the haunting sound of a funeral hymn comes from the St. Louis Cathedral. And if you went to investigate (and why would you, New Orleans is the most haunted city in the US, ya dummy!!), you just might see the ghost of Pere Dagobert and the echos of a midnight mass he held in secret more than 200 years ago. 

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If you've ever been to New Orleans, you may have seen this dog. Just a yellow eyed little so-and-so plastering every hotel, street corner, and restaurant! So why is he so famous? Well, Danni is here to let us know with a story of Cajun werewolves, haunted houses, and Bill Clinton.

Also, this will be the last Lil' Sis on the main channel! We'll be posting all our Lil' Sis episodes on Patreon from now on. Check 'em out! https://www.patreon.com/artsistory

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By this point you must know that Art Sistory loves America, the greatest country in the world. We've got all our pals to thank for that: Tommy J, Benji Frank, Lin Manuel Miranda. But no one can forget the greatest hero of all time, George Washington! Mostly because we built a giant white penis for him in the middle of our capital. But did you know that penis is shrouded in secrets and mystery?! You will!

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This episode is about two things: our beautiful perfect country and bad art! Yes this portrait of Paul Revere (1768) may look just like Jack Black (and it is Jack Black) but that doesn't stop Danni from calling it like it is! Which is an ugly painting. Maybe because it was painted by a good for nothing British loving stink weasel! We'll let you decide. EAGLES! 

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Have you ever wondered what 39 famous and influential women's vaginas look like? Well you're in luck!! The Dinner Party (1979) by Judy Chicago is just that! Unless you want to see any women of color or trans women... The Dinner Party (1979) by Judy Chicago is not that! Ha ha ha! We're conflicted. Join us as we discuss this Last Supper for ladies. Dan Brown would approve.

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Madame X is an unconventional beauty! Completely unpaintable! And hopelessly lazy! But she can do whatever she wants. Why? Well it's not just because she's wealthy. Her soul is rich. She knows it. John Singer Sargent knows it. And you know it. Mmm mmm MMM! I feel a scandal a brewin'! Don't you?

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Rosa Bonheur is the original feminist, lesbian, butch, farmcore, horse girl and we must all praise her. She grew up worshiping socialist jesus. She was openly married to her childhood sweetheart, Nathalie. She tricked the police into letting her wear pants. She chain smoked. She hunted. And painted horses with anime eyes. Rosa did it all in the goddamn 1880s and every person on the planet needs to know about her. Her bombastic life literally blew our brains out and it will probably fuck you up for a few days. 

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What is in an expression? Is it pride? Sadness? Anger? Love? Why not all at once! Today we discuss our first piece at The Met, "Juan De Pareja" (1650), a captivating portrait by none other than Diego Velasquez, the paragon of the Spanish baroque. Juan may be an enigma but one thing we know is true: he's a stone cold fox, baby!

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Have you ever thought you were going to a house and ended up in an endless horror maze cooked up by a mad man boy child? Well that's what happened to us when we showed up at The House on the Rock in Spring Green, Wisconsin. Imagine a dust maze full of forged Faberge eggs, baroque music machines, sea monsters, and haunted doll bathrooms. It may be the door to the God world but we just call it a crusty old fever dream that everyone needs to see. 

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The only original Praxiteles sculpture might just be in Cleveland, Ohio. Or it might be a 19th century lawn gnome. We may never know. And Cleveland certainly isn't telling us. Welcome to our newest episode of twists, turns, art dealing conspiracies, and a nightmarish 4 day old god. It's a good fun time, we swear.

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Have you ever seen a big big mirror bean and thought, this is the center of a giant art battle between good and evil? Well it is! "Cloud Gate" (2006), otherwise known as The Bean, was created by a big angry baby who doesn't know how to share and the art world will not let that slide. Let's jump into this years long feud between artists which has created colors, destroyed apartments, and compelled Guy Fieri to cook the art.  

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This is it. Perhaps the best art? At the very least, it's better than Degas. "The Child's Bath" (1893) by Mary Cassatt is the art that convinced baby Danni to be an artist. Get ready for some in depth discussions about being a powerful, perfect, best, feminist, impressionist artist who puts all her whiny boy contemporaries to shame. 

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"American Gothic" (1930). You know this painting. You've seen this painting. It's got memes, it's got parodies, it's got everything. And it's just a boring portrait of two farmers! Right....? No way! Why would we talk about it if it was boring!? In this episode, Brandi takes us on a journey to Cedar Rapids, Iowa, and explains why this painting made a woman want to bite the artist's ear off. 

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Max Beckmann just can't catch a break! Becoming a medic in WWI, a bunch of nazis calling his art trash, getting exiled from home, being forced to deal with the US visa system! It would drive anyone to madness. Which is why Danni is here to talk all about his "Self-Portrait" (1950) at the St. Louis Art Museum! Let's delve into Max's broken brain and the dumb dumb way he did die. 

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