Celluloid Zeroes

Brother Jimmy and I are joined by our old friend Rob Salminen to discuss the 1989 abomination that is No Holds Barred.

What happens when you take one of the most recognizable entertainment figures of the 1980s and pair him with his boss to co-executive produce and write a movie about wrestling? Well, you don't get an Oscar winner, that is for sure.

Perhaps the best thing about this movie is the conversation it spurred about what wrestling meant to us as kids and the laughs we had while doing so.

To give a callback to a key scene in the movie, this flick is a steaming pile of dookie and worthy of the title Celluloid Zero.

When God said, “Let there be light,” Chuck Norris said, “Say please!”

This is the most dangerous episode of Celluloid Zeroes as Jim and I take on a most formidable opponent—Chuck Norris. However, even Chuck can agree that 1982’s Silent Rage is not his best work. He’s never said as much, but actions speak louder than words and a sequel has never been made, even though the ending of this absolute zero set up a potential franchise.

While the movie is pretty terrible, it does bring us back to a simpler time when spinning back kicks are all you need to combat a psychopathic indestructible killer whose body can heal instantaneously. Also, it’s always fun seeing a 1980s take on mad scientists and biker gangs (whose members look as if they all were extras in a Judas Priest video).

Listen in as Jim and I ask the big questions such as, “Who in the hell greenlit this thing?” and hypothesize the important role this movie plays in Chuck’s career, which took off just a few years after this film came out. Yes, since then time has been good to Chuck Norris, even though time waits for no man (unless that man is Chuck Norris).

In this first episode of our second season, Mike and Jim discuss the 1980 comedy The Nude Bomb—the first feature film based on the 1960s TV comedy Get Smart. Original creators Mel Brooks and Buck Henry had nothing to do with this film, and it shows.

While there are are a number of funny gags in the movie, we just couldn't get behind the premise—a man clad only in pantyhose with sewing thimbles on his finger tips threatens to detonate nude bombs which basically eradicate whatever close anyone is wearing. 

Despite its title, you might be surprised to know that there is zero frontal nudity in this movie. Listen in as we try to find some redeemable qualities in this certified Celluloid Zero.

On this episode of Celluloid Zeroes, brother Jimmy and I discuss the 1988 non-classic Action Jackson starring Carl Weathers in the title role of Detective Lt. Jericho "Action" Jackson. Rounding out the cast are Craig T. Nelson playing the antagonist Peter Dellaplane, whose Poltergeist money must have run out, Vanity as the love interest Sydney, who was likely using the proceeds of this film to fuel a crack habit, and Sharon Stone, whose exposed rear end in one scene was clearly shot to put other rears in theatre seats.

This movie is really one of the last of its kind. By 1988, hair metal had just peaked and was about to give way to grunge and the fast-paced unbelievable action movie was about to step aside for the rise of the romantic comedy (too bad they couldn’t make When Harry Shot Sally).

While fun to watch, Action Jackson has more plot holes than the English countryside in World War II. It does, however, embrace some 80’s tropes that pay homage to the genre including over the top henchmen, martial arts, one-liners, and gratuitous nudity—all which combine to make this watchable today on a nostalgic level.

This movie may not be a masterpiece, but it certainly spurred a lot of discussion and we hope you enjoy our take on Action Jackson.

This movie came out in 1979 and captures that time period in New York with fang like sharpness. Okay, maybe that's a stretch, but unlike many of the other movies we've discussed on this podcast, this one does not smell like the Volga river at low tide.

Yes this is a comedy, but as we uncover it is so much more. It is about a middle aged man, er vampire, seeking relevance. It's about a woman learning to embrace commitment. And it's about a psychiatrist looking for, well we really aren't sure what he's looking for. But he gets paid at the end so winds up happy.

Jim does not disappoint, going on a tangent about how today's culture is intent on defanging the vampires, strapping Invisilign on them, and taking away any appeal that an alpha male has. Yes, in Jim's mind there's a war on masculinity and it's always fun to hear him rant about it.

Sitting third chair in today's episode is the ever so insightful Jack Campisi, co-host of the popular podcasts Monster Men and Final Guys. Jack was fun to have on and we hope he joins us more often.

The year was 1984, Jim and I were ten years old, and our father took us to the movies to see City Heat. The two of us remember this movie as a comedic masterpiece and 36 years later we are questioning our sanity. Set towards the end of prohibition, the action takes place in Kansas City and stars two of the most well known actors of the day; Burt Reynolds and Clint Eastwood. While the movie has some great one-liners from Eastwood, they aren’t enough from making this a certified Celluloid Zero.

While there’s not much to discuss plot wise, Jim and I do take a walk down memory late and reminisce on seeing highly inappropriate movies with our father Don as well as his penchant for saving a buck by always buying snacks at the convenience store across the street from the movie theatre and always asking for the kid rate when buying us tickets (even after we were shaving regularly).

Happy listening!

When asked about the movie Yellowbeard, John Cleese said that it was one of the six worst movies ever made. His co-star, and fellow Monty Python Alum, Eric Idle commented that it was one of the worst films he ever made. With those endorsements from the film's stars you know you have a certified Celluloid Zero on your hands, and Yellowbeard is just that.

Jim and I first saw this move in the summer of 1983 and, looking back, our parents should have received a visit from child protective services for letting us see it. Watching this film as an adult, though, spurred some interesting and sometimes cranky-old-manish conversations around "kids these days" and why certain movies are more appealing to men than women. We also discuss why things that look good on paper, such as an all star cast of comedic geniuses, sometimes don't play out when they come together like some comedic Voltron.

This really is a movie that doesn't age well, particularly in the #MeToo era, what with all the rape jokes and all. What does age well, however, is Mike's audiobook All the F*cks I Cannot Give, narrated by the Adam Carolla Show's announcer, Mike Dawson. It's available for purchase on Audible and Amazon. Happy Listening.

Jim was always a bigger fan of martial arts movies and he lets his fanboyness shine through as we discuss the 1986 less than masterpiece No Retreat, No Surrender. The actors and director certainly took the title to heart as non of them retreated or surrendered from this movie, even though they should have.

In a Celluloid Zeroes first, Jim walks us through the synopsis of this film (in great detail) and you can hear the passion in his voice build as he does so, all the while you can tell a rant is building—and he does not disappoint!

But we are not movie critics; we use these films as springboards into bigger discussions and this week's include how to deal with bullies, the absence of heroes in modern culture, and why training in the martial arts is good for the mind, body, and soul (and very well may help save humanity from victim culture).

Stay with it till the end to hear Mike and Jim riff on something they call The Woke Dojo.

This episode of Celluloid Zeroes is brought to you by Mike Carlon's book Slippery People, where protagonist Greg James neither retreats nor does he surrender from the dangers an obsessed would-be pop star poses to his life.

Filmmaker Joe Indusi joins Mike and Jim as they discuss 1991's Oscar, starring Sylvester Stallone and a relatively unknown actress at the time—Marissa Tomei.

While Oscar is, in fact, a celluloid zero, that doesn't mean there isn't anything redeeming about it. On the contrary, this film spurs discussions around the importance of taking risks in life (just as Stallone did in this film), experiences with overbearing fathers, and cases of mistaken identity.

Perhaps the most interesting aspects of this discussion have nothing to do with the film itself, but Joe's non-sequitur stories about who he's met working out in Hollywood Gyms. Listen to the end to find out what Joe, Robert Klein, Fabio, and Minnie Driver all have in common.

This episode of the Celluloid Zeroes podcast is brought to you by Mike Carlon's Novel Slippery People. You can purchase Slippery People in Paperback or e-Book format at Amazon.com. Enjoy the show.

When Mike and Jim saw this movie in 1979 we thought it was one of the coolest things ever. There were spaceships, robots, lasers and giant red meteors! Oh, and this whirlpool looking black hole that meant almost certain death to anything that got sucked into it. Seeing this movie through adult eyes, however, led to a newfound appreciation of it.

Jim immediately takes us to a dark place because, well, he’s Jim and needs to tout his intimate knowledge of personality disorders whenever he can. Mike explores the biblical themes of the story and, somehow, they both draw a parallel between The Black Hole and the massacre that happened in Jonestown just a year before this movie’s release. Critics panned this movie, but we loved it and still love it! 

We are pretty sure no one has ever looked at The Black Hole through such a critical eye before but there’s a first time for everything.  If you can set aside all of the scientific inaccuracies and suspend disbelief for 90 minutes, you just might like it too.

This episode is sponsored by Mike Carlon’s novel Motel California which can be purchased in ebook or paperback format wherever books are sold online. Enjoy the show.

Today, the Carlon brothers are joined by filmmaker Joe Indusi to discuss 1982s MegaForce.

When this film came out, Mike and Jim were 8 years old. Looking back, that must have been the prime demographic for this film because it included flying motorcycles,  glorified dune buggies with lasers, and men with feathered hair—lots of feathered hair. For all the missiles launched from motorcycles, there we no fatalities in this movie which makes us think that the inspiration was the GI Joe cartoon which was becoming popular around the same time.

Watching it at 45 is a difficult thing to do, and that's putting it mildly. The plot (is there one?) makes no sense, the gold spandex jumpsuits are cringeworthy, and the one liners just don't land. And wait, is that a Confederate Flag on the sleeve of a character named Dallas? It's like if The Road Warrior and Star Wars had a baby and that baby grew up to wear gold jumpsuits and over use hair mousse, you'd have MegaForce.

There is one scene, though, that really stands out. Ace Hunter (yes, you read that right) played by Barry Bostwick (again, you read that right) is mansplaining something to Major Zara, played by Persis Khambatta (you might know her as the Bald Lady in Star Trek The Motion Picture). The scene is a silhouette shot and Barry Bostwick is clearly making a statement with the placement of his right hand (while the left one is finger wagging like Kamala Harris, the right one is placed strategically below his waist). 

Unfortunately, while we had fond memories of this flick as kids, it just doesn't hold up but that's okay because it makes our discussion all the more colorful. Happy listening!

This episode of Celluloid Zeroes is brought to you by All the F*cks I Cannot Give by Mike Carlon. The writers and director of MegaForce gave no F*cks when making that movie so this is your chance to learn how not giving a F*ck can be the path to self-enlightenment. You can purchase All the F*cks I Cannot Give in audiobook, paperback, or kindle format at Amazon.com. Enjoy the show.

In the second installment of Celluloid Zeroes, the Carlon brothers discuss the 1980 fantasy film Hawk the Slayer and question whether they actually had a happy childhood after all. 

The plot of this movie has more holes in it than the European countryside in the 1940s. They ask the big questions such as what kid of dirt did the producers have on Jack Palance and was this really just a Dungeons and Drago's rip off of Star Wars?

Listen in as we address these questions and have a ton of laughs along the way.

In this inaugural episode of the Celluloid Zeroes Podcast, the Carlon brothers take a deep dive into the 1981 parody Zorro The Gay Blade starring George Hamilton, Lauren Hutton, and Ron Leibman.

Listen in as Mike and Jim discuss what they liked about this film back in the day and their reactions to it almost forty years after they saw it for the first time. We make a link to Batman, today's social justice initiatives, and how George Hamilton's accent is actually its own character.

Is there any chance this movie would see the light of day today? Listen to find out.