Clamshell Case Files

This is it, for now. So to close out the show, Bridget, Matt, and Quintin talk about all 100 movies (and definitely only 100 movies; they most certainly didn’t watch a specific movie from 1996) they watched for the podcast and rank them! It’s all just an excuse to reminisce about the past few years, and gather around one last time to talk about movies. But don’t worry, while the podcast is ending, we’ll still be around. We’re planning some big things for 2022, so check out our Youtube channel and social media handles in the near future to see what we’ve got cooking.

Well, we finally did it: found a film that had the potential to damage children irreparably and involved characters living in a literal trash can. We couldn’t think of a better way to go out! So we talk about one last movie before calling it a podcast. One where tiny, disgusting little goblin “children” work in a sweatshop and pee and vomit and eat human body parts. Our work here is done.

It’s a very special episode as Brady expert and Matt’s sister Laurie Spring is back again to talk about her favorite tv family. Listen in as the crew goes to business and talks about architectural sabotage, Alice’s indentured servitude, and disgusting pie-eating table manners. Will they find the true meaning of Christmas? No, absolutely not.

Also, be sure to tune in to the next show for a VERY SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT.

World of Commotion’s Danielle Brown and Jarrod Staples join us once again to talk about another beloved Disney property everyone surely remembers. An intellectual property so ingrained in the public consciousness that Disney would have no need to go and pick up the rights to a different, more marketable science fiction property 35 years later! Only one movie has the backbone to explore topics like robo slaves, the origin of Satan, and what if Slim Pickins was a robot that suffered constant abuse, and it certainly doesn’t have a Skywalker.

In a world where every child is Drew Barrymore, the mob runs addiction management companies, and suburban houses have Troll infestations, only one cat can hit it big in Atlantic City and still save the day. From the drugged out mind of Stephen King comes the eternal question: what is this troll’s deal? Where did he come from!?

Content Warning: There’s some talk of a plot point involving threatened sexual assault throughout the show.

This week, we have not one...not two...but THREE adaptations of Washington Irving’s the Legend of Sleepy Hollow...for Halloween! First up, Bing Crosby constant body shaming in Disney’s The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad (1949). Next up, the sweet sound of Glen Close’s voice in Rabbit Ear’s partially animated The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. Then finally, we lose count of decapitations in Tim Burton’s Sleepy Hollow (1999).

Only one dinosaur movie from 1993 had the audacity to tell truths that the big Hollywood studios were afraid to tackle. Sure, Jurassic Park hints at man’s folly, but only this Roger Cormon produced classic dares to float the hypothesis that maybe people are so terrible that all women should be killed by a virus that forces them to birth dinosaurs, dooming humans to extinction. Fans of nihilistic dinosaur puppets are in for the ride of their lives...probably in some sort of tractor trailer truck hauling live chickens.

Bridget’s original pick for episode 69 has everything you’d expect from a sexy romance film: pickup artist Dracula, terrible accents, trains, Beastman getting it on, and of course, discussions about real estate deals. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a woman excitedly share her bed with Bat Boy’s hot older brother!

They don’t make ‘em like they used to! I mean, how many murders do kids in movies witness these days? One? Maybe two? But do they witness upwards of 3 murders, relive several of them over and over, almost get murdered himself, and by a close family friend? So this week, Matt wants to bring us back to those simpler times, and to one of the movies that inspired the creation of this podcast!

It’s a kids movie that teaches important lessons like dealing with grief, the passage of time, not trusting the government, and the theory of general relativity! If you don’t remember this one, don’t worry. Neither does Sarah Jessica Parker, apparently! This podcast also contains multiple minutes about how we all just thought this movie starred Henry Thomas.

This week, Bridget brings one of the most infamously traumatizing films from older millennials’ youths. The film that made us all distrust bees, learned to leave our lost mood rings in the woods, and assume we could die at ANY time. Returning to it 30 years later, there’s plenty of other trauma to pull from this movie! Vada Sultenfuss is truly the gift that keeps on giving.

CW: Sexual assault and child abuse.

This week, Fair is Fair! What does that mean? It means a couple of kids from Corpus Christi, Texas are going to get the 600 some-odd dollars they’re owed from a sketchy businessman and his degenerate son before shipping out for Vermont, land of maple syrup and seasonal outdoor sports. A movie so famous it got its own Pat Benetar theme and at least two Blu Ray releases. Really? You’ve never heard of it? But Billie Jean was so famous! They even made frisbees with her face on them!

We go on an adventure with special guest Christopher Brown (Old Men Yell at Cloud), a talking bear with a tape deck in his back, and a creepy old inventor whose only friends appear to be teenagers. So get ready to travel to the land of Grundo, a place with a name that sounds like it needs a shower, as we embark on a quest to find treasure, gawk at the aristocracy, and ponder just how any of these idiots has survived this long without falling out of an airship to their deaths.

Sure, the online discourse circled back around to 2017 with people talking about the short story Cat Person again, but we’re here to talk about ACTUAL CAT PEOPLE from 1992. So if you’re a fan of monster incest, deputized attack cats, cultural appropriation of indiginous myths, or Santo and Johnny, we have the episode for you!

CW: Sexual Assault at 1:02, Animal Abuse throughout

What better way to spend the week of the fourth going to the definitive text of the birth of America. You know, the one where the voice of KITT from Knight Rider is our nation’s (future) second president, middle-aged men complain about the heat and flies, and there are multiple songs about giving it to your wife real good, like a true patriot! Bridget excitedly brings this loose musical adaptation of the start of the American Revolution and the crew spends a surprising amount of time talking about...violins?

World of Commotion’s Danielle Brown joins us this week, bringing with her a fancy potion which she obtained from a mysterious, sexy, European lady. This woman claimed it’d grant us immortal life, but all we got were various hole-based injuries. Thankfully, this movie held up against the ravages of time!

We’re closing out E-MAY-lio with Scott Kurland (of Writer’s Bagel Basket and Hell is a Musical) and getting way too into Minnesotan peewee hockey due to court appointed public service for all our previous podcast indiscretions. So join us for an inspirational story that includes the institutional racism of gerrymandered district lines and the court’s willingness to go easy on white collar offenders! Oh and there’s some cute kids and a bit of that ice puck game thing Bridget and Matt seem to like so much too.

E-MAY-lio continues, as does the saga of Billy the Kid. Or Billy the Very Old Man on his way to get the early bird special at his favorite diner, the Mexican Blackbird. Jarrod Staples (of World of Commotion fame) is back to talk Bon Jovi, blatant historical inaccuracies, and the worst (or best?) fake old person voice we’ve ever heard.

We’re kicking off E-MAY-lio with special guest Jarrod Staples and this slice of totally, completely accurate Western history. Sure, character ages and motivations are wrong, problematic caricatures are invented just for the movie, and the extended peyote scene makes almost no sense, but would we ever get to see Emilio Estevez’s butt without this film? Yes? Then I don’t know why we’re watching this either.

Also, if you’re interested in donating to the Tenacious Unicorn Ranch like Bridget and Quintin, you can check out their Gofundme link here: https://www.gofundme.com/f/23ihgxnlc0?utm_campaign=p_cp_url&utm_medium=os&utm_source=customer

This week, we welcome Lilz Martin (of Jukebox Zeroes and Hell is a Musical fame) to go for a walk outside today. Join us to see what we find, today. Warning: it’s almost definitely animal abuse. No animal escapes, be it muskrat, snake, bird, cat, dog, fox, or bear! So skip the horror of watching the movie and listen to us have an impromptu therapy session!