Come Here To Me: Relationship Experts Walk the Talk

In their most vulnerable session yet, Figs and Teale talk about sex and intimacy in their relationship.

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If you or someone you love are struggling in your relationship, visit empathi.com for quizzes, courses, and consultations.

Figs and Teale are trapped in the "Protest Polka" in this session around work/life balance. Learn to see a path out of the cycles you get trapped in with your partner.

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If you or someone you love are struggling in your relationship, visit empathi.com for quizzes, courses, and consultations.

Pandemic parenting leaves Figs and Teale treading water in this episode from early 2021. Listen as they cycle through pandemic fears and conflicting values to something a little deeper.

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If you or someone you love are struggling in your relationship, visit empathi.com for quizzes, courses, and consultations.

Figs and Teale process wounds around their daughter's difficult reaction to the early pandemic and explore the triggers and cultural context around their parenting style differences.

Visit comeheretomepodcast.com for episode transcripts, social media links, and to subscribe to the mailing list. Email figs@empathi.com with feedback or leave a comment on YouTube, Instagram, or Apple Podcasts.

If you or someone you love are struggling in your relationship, visit empathi.com for quizzes, courses, and consultations.

Figs and Teale share a session deeply exploring a moment of reactivity outside of their relationship for Figs and the ways anger and shame can subsequently show up in their marriage.

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If you or someone you love are struggling in your relationship, visit empathi.com for quizzes, courses, and consultations.

Figs and Teale reflect on the previous episode's climactic session and the revelations it brought for each of them.

Visit comeheretomepodcast.com for episode transcripts, social media links, and to subscribe to the mailing list. Email figs@empathi.com with feedback or leave a comment on YouTube, Instagram, or Apple Podcasts.

If you or someone you love are struggling in your relationship, visit empathi.com for quizzes, courses, and consultations.

Visit comeheretomepodcast.com for episode transcripts, social media links, and to subscribe to the mailing list. Email figs@empathi.com with feedback or leave a comment on YouTube, Instagram, or Apple Podcasts.

If you or someone you love are struggling in your relationship, visit empathi.com for quizzes, courses, and consultations.

New and extraordinary emotional truth is shared in this session wherein Figs and Teale stop defending their stories and start experiencing the empathy and connection they long for. Discover insights into how reactivity can be an essential precursor to vulnerability.

Timestamps:

01:06 Small talk — Life in Hawaii

05:22 Intro to the session: The ways couples normally try to solve problems

08:07 Therapy tools: "My story is that…"

10:10 Transitioning from story of other to experience of self

13:48 Honoring the reactive cycle before dropping into vulnerability

15:30 Accessing Teale's attachment history

17:35 Session begins — Defending their stories

21:12 Why Figs uses anger

23:50 Teale's story of "I'm the wronged one"

24:48 Feeling behind the anger: Figs is alone | Teale empathizing with Figs

30:33 Teale's hurt and past around anger in men

33:33 Teale protesting with "I don't want to tolerate it"

35:09 Figs feeling triggered around "I'm not gonna tolerate it" 

37:36 Teale wants to reorganize her narrative of her life

40:39 Discussing Teale's (triggering) family history

45:17 Teale's family with Figs is healing

46:20 Figs becomes emotional over being that person for Teale

48:25 Teale feels love for that fiery part of Figs

50:42 Session ends — What is your story?

51:08 Scary and activating for Teale to share her attachment history

54:15 Figs' journey to vulnerable empathy for Teale

56:59 Big vulnerable feelings may not look dramatic on the outside

59:49 Feeling activated first helps in moving to deeper vulnerable feelings

01:03:28 Ending chit-chat: The Bro and the Angry Irishman 

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If you or someone you love are struggling in your relationship, visit empathi.com for quizzes, courses, and consultations.

"That which we resist, persists," in this therapy session featuring Figs and Teale trying to hide from a negative cycle.

Timestamps:

00:59 Introduction to the session: Figs & Teale colluding not to process

02:52 A Sensory Cycle

06:57 Subverting expectations: Why wasn't Teale excited to be in therapy?

09:39 What you resist persists

11:24 Sometimes compliments can land like a threat

15:31 Session begins — Do we need airpods

16:58 Therapist prompts them to be aware of their bodies

17:27 Reflecting on previous session (ft. shark story diversion)

20:55 Teale asks Figs to speak more quietly

21:53 Teale and processing a lot

22:28 Letting things go — Figs feels Teale is asking him to change a lot today

24:02 Teale perceives anger from Figs

25:54 Figs settling into the idea that he's someone to be scared of

26:17 Teale feeling like she's too much

28:12 Conflict over sleeping arrangements & sensory differences

29:42 Figs & keeping the radio on all day

31:52 Teale's overwhelm & senses

32:35 What do we do?

34:10 Waiting for "the main course"

34:40 Last session from Teale's perspective

35:51 Therapist wants Teale to access her deeper feelings

36:28 Figs doesn't cry often & when he does Teale gets excited

36:58 Figs feels like he's waiting for some future event

37:59 Teale feels like she's in an excited, positive place: Appreciates Figs

40:00 Figs points out that Teale made the positive moment about Figs

40:55 Appreciate from Teale canmake Figs feel threatened

41:46 Partially coming from a place of Teale wanting appreciation

42:34 Therapist brings up Teale bouncing things back to Teale

43:29 The layers of Teale validating others

46:05 Positive sides of this validation

47:13 Figs feels more seen in his life now

49:31 Therapist wants to devote more attention to Teale's deeper places moving forward

51:27 Session ends — Three main takeaways

52:00 1. Be aware when you're in a negative cycle

53:00 2. What you resist persists

54:55 3. Appreciation can touch negative feelings, too

57:43 Thank you!

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If you or someone you love are struggling in your relationship, visit empathi.com for quizzes, courses, and consultations.

Figs and Teale reveal the unique challenges the podcast has presented in their relationship as they explore the role emotional processing plays for couples accomplishing tasks together.

Timestamps:

01:03 Introduction to topic

04:52 What it's like creating the podcast

06:30 "Mixed agenda" — Therapy sessions vs. recording sessions 

08:47 When do you emotionally process?

09:25 Wounds that come up around speaking for Figs & Teale

12:44 The recording task takes precedent, but feelings affect the success of the recording

13:51 Figs' contextual ability to process information

16:17 Becoming uncomfortable friends with wounds

17:37 Teale's reservations and feeling small

21:47 Processing and knowing each other gives you the space to wait

22:47 Figs' hopes for Teale and goals for himself

24:32 Growing equality in their work relationship dynamic

25:23 Figs feeling left alone in this context

27:11 Teale's perspective

28:44 A negative cycle

28:42 Leaving The Figs Show — an emotional work in progress

31:04 Vulnerable reflection and understanding

32:47 Earning the right to bookmark hurt feelings

37:11 How to do it: "Yes, and"

39:04 How it applies to Teale and Figs' journey

40:27 Example of the "Yes, and" method

42:34 Renewed in the process

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If you or someone you love are struggling in your relationship, visit empathi.com for quizzes, courses, and consultations.

Figs is sent reeling when a session on repair goes in an unexpected direction when Teale tries to connect deeply. Explore the ways preconceptions shake up natural processes as Figs and Teale challenge the idea that there's a "right" way to be vulnerable.

Timestamps:

01:06 Introduction

01:56 Figs' Irish ways

07:03 Preview of session — "Are we ready to stop being in your head, Figs?"

08:03 The Emotional Withdrawer's struggle to describe their internal world

09:41 Healing empathy from Teale and the therapist

11:35 Understanding the Emotional Withdrawer

12:12 Teale's realization, "And it's happening right now"

15:07 Session begins — Figs' rate of repair

17:59 "You're so good at coming out." "Even when you don't fish him out." "No."

19:05 Teale has trouble tolerating disconnection

22:32 Figs feels trapped in having to repair — being "reeled in" — before he's ready

24:15 Teale's will feels overpowering to Figs, he wants to collapse

30:06 Process question — too cognitive?

32:13 Figs receives the message, "My way of processing is not right"

34:24 Teale was trying to be "good"

36:42 Figs is overwhelmed, feels like they can't get any one thing done

45:04 Teale reflects Figs' feelings and acknowledges her own triggers

46:19 Figs feels Teale is more trigger-able in session

49:32 Figs describes being unhappy, "and it's not acceptable"

50:47 Staying with the negative feelings

53:27 Figs' feelings were shut down, triggered feelings of "Too much"-ness

55:52 Figs was able to let in Teale and the therapist

59:20 Session ends

59:38 Teale learned a lot about herself as a critic and Figs' shame

01:02:10 Finding the deep sadness beneath the surface

01:04:10 Teale and the therapist's empathy gave Figs the space he needed

01:07:54 French movie vs American movie analogy

01:09:12 "You don't have to get it right the first time"

01:09:48 Next week's episode

Visit comeheretomepodcast.com for episode transcripts, social media links, and to subscribe to the mailing list.

If you or someone you love are struggling in your relationship, visit empathi.com for quizzes, courses, and consultations.

Figs and Teale share a session digging into a recurring negative cycle triggered by waiting and discuss the difference between vulnerable or "Primary" feelings and "Secondary" blaming reactions and how even the littlest of things can have a big impact.

Timestamps:

00:00 Teaser

01:06 Chit-chat, "This couples counseling thing is really good for us."

02:10 Introduction to session — The hurt behind the negative cycle 

04:33 Teale's example: The Pursuer / Relentless Lover's perspective

05:56 The Withdrawer / Reluctant Lover's perspective

06:39 Negative infinity loop

07:14 Understanding "Primary" and "Secondary"

09:30 Finding the primary within Teale's example

10:51 Session begins — "We can get in a cycle"

10:59 Habits: Figs gives himself extra time, Teale fits in as much as she can

11:56 Top of cycle: Figs feels let down when by Teale's style of task/time management

13:13 Teale describes becoming defensive, pissed off in turn

14:54 Teale describes how she eventually shifts into placating Figs

16:57 Figs feels like he's overly sensitive — exploring waiting and overwhelm

18:56 Top of the cycle recap: Figs feels alone and blames Teale, Teale defends herself

19:21 The deeper rounds: Figs feels self-protective

20:28 "Legit" Statistic: Teale initiates repair 99.99% of the time

20:46 Relationship shift: "Teale will tell me all the possible things I will do to make things better and how none of them will work."

21:53 Figs feels even more trapped

22:54 Going to Alaska: Figs is inclined to stay in disconnection because of feelings of unworthiness

24:39 Teale feels frustrated and alone when Figs pulls away

26:48 Figs feels he gets in trouble when he thinks he's "the good one" and says so, but Teale is so far above Figs when she's the good one he doesn't know where to go

27:36 Teale's vulnerable / connected moment during yesterday's conflict

29:45 Teale feels she's pulling from a depleted well to be able to repair

31:53 Teale has a story inside of, "All men have hurt me"

33:02 Seeing her side of the dance — when she has a part of it and when she doesn't

34:00 Connecting with each other in a Primary way, Figs is in and above the process

35:36 Session ends — Studying their own negative interactionary cycle, Primary and Secondary

36:52 Being in the process vs the solution

38:30 It's gonna be messy, and that's okay

40:02 Summarizing the cycle

42:58 Figs' takeaway: Even little things touch big feelings inside

45:42 Goodbyes — keep fighting the good fight!

Visit comeheretomepodcast.com for episode transcripts, social media links, and to subscribe to the mailing list.

If you or someone you love are struggling in your relationship, visit empathi.com for quizzes, courses, and consultations.

In Come Here To Me's first bonus episode, Figs and Teale break down what "a cycle" means in a relationship by exploring the emotional bonding needs every human is born with.

Timestamps: 

01:00 Small talk 

03:48 Introduction to topic, "The Cycle" 

05:46 "The problem is not the problem" 

09:33 Surfer bro interlude: Just keep swimming 

11:37 Couples fight because they love each other 

12:38 "The solution itself is not the answer," Do you both feel loved? 

14:48 Reptilian insults

16:07 "If you really love me" conversations

17:56 Attachment theory / emotional bonding

23:42 "This is the one that I hope my emotional love needs will be met by."

26:20 Honeymoon's end

26:59 Feeling unloved prompts a negative reaction

28:02 Reaction prompts negative response

28:57 What is a cycle?

33:09 ...Fiddling

33:43 Let it feel like a relief: you're fighting because you love each other so much!

38:47 The key isn't to avoid getting into a cycle, it's to get out of the cycle once it's started.

Visit comeheretomepodcast.com for episode transcripts, social media links, and to subscribe to the mailing list.

If you or someone you love are struggling in your relationship, visit empathi.com for quizzes, courses, and consultations.

Figs and Teale share a clip of their first session with a couples therapist. Witness how the ways they miss each other escalates into hurt and blame and then ultimately resolves through the therapist's intervention, then learn how you can navigate out of negative cycles in your relationship.

Timestamps: 

01:00 Introduction to Figs and Teale

04:04 What's in a name: "Come Here To Me" 

08:20 Why this podcast: Witnesses 

9:45 Special tip of the episode: Follow the process 

13:24 Session begins — Figs feels alone with life's difficulties and like he's a failure 

17:26 Turning point: Conflict and hurt (Teale is hurt by Figs' description of her, protests, Figs feels hurt and protests in kind)

20:46 Figs is prompted to reflect back his understanding of Teale's hurt

22:19 Teale feels shame around missing the place Figs was coming from because of her own insecurities

22:33 Moment of humor and connectedness: Figs sees Teale shift into feeling bad about herself

23:21 Figs considers himself to be a difficult person

23:47 Session ends — It's so easy to miss each other

25:59 The snake in the grass: humans focus on the perceived threat

27:45 Shame

29:02 Walking through the cycle

32:46 Turning point: interventions and empathy

33:35 Blaming is not being vulnerable

36:33 Seeing past the mess to the possibility of repair

Visit comeheretomepodcast.com for episode transcripts, social media links, and to subscribe to the mailing list.

If you or someone you love are struggling in your relationship, visit empathi.com for quizzes, courses, and consultations.

Come Here To Me is an empathetic, often amusing look at the truth of relationship dynamics and how things get messy even for the relationship experts. Every other week Figs and Teale share clips of their personal couples therapy sessions with an anonymous therapist—the fights, the tears, the silliness, and the love. They then take a step back from the emotional intensity of the session to examine those experiences for the benefit of the listener (and themselves). In the form of bonus episodes, Figs and Teale provide in-depth explanations, relationship tips, answer listener questions, and interview couples and other experts in the field.