"Fabulously Candice": The Sexiest Podcast About Neurodivergence

We are wrapping up the final episode of Fabulously Candice with a very special guest… Meg Martinez! Meg has worked alongside Candice for nearly a decade and is the Chief Program Officer at Namaste Center for Healing. This episode gives a look into their neuroinclusive approach to the internal family systems model and their co-authored chapter in the book Altogether Us by Jenna Riemersma. We also get a look into the current happenings at Namaste Center for Healing and get excited for what is next to come. Thank you to the fabulous global community for three seasons of love and support! Until the next something…

Connect with Meg

YouTube Video

Closed Captions

WEBVTT

 

00:00:41.000 --> 00:00:49.000

Hi, everybody! Welcome to season 3.

 

00:00:49.000 --> 00:00:56.000

This is our final episode episode. 9 of fabulous academic.

 

00:00:56.000 --> 00:00:57.000

We're moving into some other things. So it's been quite a while.

 

00:00:57.000 --> 00:01:10.000

Ride, and so I'm just gonna have the raspy voice, Mag, so kind of go out, walk out into the sunset.

 

00:01:10.000 --> 00:01:21.000

I have my divine daughter from another life, my protege, my sister Meg Martinezetta Monte, here with me.

 

00:01:21.000 --> 00:01:22.000

Hi!

 

00:01:22.000 --> 00:01:43.000

Hi professionally, professionally. People know you, Meg, as our chief program officer here at Namaste Center for healing, and I thought, this is probably the perfect way to end facilities to Candace because we get to talk about what we do that is so specific to our

 

00:01:43.000 --> 00:01:46.000

neuroinclusive approach to internal family systems, to sexual recovery, to wellness.

 

00:01:46.000 --> 00:01:51.000

And then also the chapter we wrote for the upcoming book.

 

00:01:51.000 --> 00:01:53.000

Yeah.

 

00:01:53.000 --> 00:02:02.000

But I need to brag a little bit about you so Meg Martinez Denamonte again, our chief program officer at Namaste.

 

00:02:02.000 --> 00:02:18.000

However, she's also a licensed clinician, a certified sex addiction therapist, and ifs trained therapist in Emdr train therapist.

 

00:02:18.000 --> 00:02:19.000

Yeah.

 

00:02:19.000 --> 00:02:26.000

And my work like it may not be. PC, but I'm saying at workwife for close to a decade, like literally, we have worked so closely together for nearly a decade.

 

00:02:26.000 --> 00:02:37.000

So, for all of the listeners. Here I am, the founder of Namaste, Center for healing, and without Meeg, our Namas State Center for Hilly would not be what it is to.

 

00:02:37.000 --> 00:02:38.000

Hmm!

 

00:02:38.000 --> 00:02:41.000

That's how important you are to me.

 

00:02:41.000 --> 00:02:42.000

So!

 

00:02:42.000 --> 00:02:45.000

I'm doing so much. Yeah.

 

00:02:45.000 --> 00:02:47.000

So welcome!

 

00:02:47.000 --> 00:02:50.000

Hi! I'm so happy to be here.

 

00:02:50.000 --> 00:02:56.000

I love that you're here. I love that you're here, and I love that because you're in.

 

00:02:56.000 --> 00:02:57.000

I mean, people know you in our like internationally, people know our center.

 

00:02:57.000 --> 00:03:07.000

They know you. You're a consultant and trainer of the the Itap.

 

00:03:07.000 --> 00:03:16.000

I mean the International Institute of Trauma and Addictions, professionals, and so so people in our professional community know you?

 

00:03:16.000 --> 00:03:27.000

And but first those listing on the podcast. They may not really know, like the significance of you, and how you have been there.

 

00:03:27.000 --> 00:03:39.000

Right by my side as we've developed programs. So I want us to talk about that, including you and I co-created our neuro-inclusive approach to ifs.

 

00:03:39.000 --> 00:03:40.000

Right? Yes.

 

00:03:40.000 --> 00:03:42.000

Then we wrote. Then we wrote a chapter about it.

 

00:03:42.000 --> 00:03:43.000

We we lived it with men. We think about it.

 

00:03:43.000 --> 00:03:45.000

Yeah, yeah.

 

00:03:45.000 --> 00:04:02.000

Yeah. So should we start, let's start with our maybe our unless you want to start with anything. But I was thinking, maybe we start with talking about our neuro-inclusive approach to ifs.

 

00:04:02.000 --> 00:04:03.000

Hey!

 

00:04:03.000 --> 00:04:05.000

Yeah, I'd love to. Yeah.

 

00:04:05.000 --> 00:04:09.000

Yeah, I was thinking about as we were getting started.

 

00:04:09.000 --> 00:04:14.000

And one of the things I don't know if this is jumping in too much.

 

00:04:14.000 --> 00:04:26.000

But one of the things II love so much about the neuro inclusive approach to ifs is the distinction and differentiating between our hardware and our software that we just immediately do.

 

00:04:26.000 --> 00:04:33.000

And I was thinking about it even as I was getting ready for this, I was like, Okay, what parts of me are anxious?

 

00:04:33.000 --> 00:04:36.000

What parts of me might be nervous about being on a podcast and then, girl, this is also your hardware, like of course, you're a little bit nervous.

 

00:04:36.000 --> 00:04:43.000

So to be recorded and that kind of a thing, you know.

 

00:04:43.000 --> 00:04:47.000

So, even using that on myself, I do it every day.

 

00:04:47.000 --> 00:05:04.000

Oh, my God! I love that you just said that. So for those listing we've broken down.

 

00:05:04.000 --> 00:05:05.000

Alright!

 

00:05:05.000 --> 00:05:07.000

Understanding, our neurotypes and internal family systems by saying, we have hardware which would be autism under oath of autism and neurosype of Ad.

 

00:05:07.000 --> 00:05:20.000

Ad Adhd also are autonomic, nervous system, which you're a polypept expert for those that are listening, and so hardware.

 

00:05:20.000 --> 00:05:21.000

Yeah.

 

00:05:21.000 --> 00:05:22.000

We know that I was anxious just the same, we were laughing with our fabulous podcast.

 

00:05:22.000 --> 00:05:25.000

Producer, Taylor, like like I've never seen you nervous like this.

 

00:05:25.000 --> 00:05:27.000

Yeah.

 

00:05:27.000 --> 00:05:37.000

Okay. Yeah. And I just can be aware that my autonomic nervous system was having a response.

 

00:05:37.000 --> 00:05:39.000

Right.

 

00:05:39.000 --> 00:05:40.000

Right.

 

00:05:40.000 --> 00:05:44.000

And then parts came forward, my software to say, Oh, my gosh, I just you know, Megan, I have such a close relationship offline.

 

00:05:44.000 --> 00:05:45.000

Now we're gonna get online, you know, part are going.

 

00:05:45.000 --> 00:05:51.000

Yeah, this is gonna be really scary. Oh, my God, what are we?

 

00:05:51.000 --> 00:05:52.000

Yeah.

 

00:05:52.000 --> 00:06:01.000

Gonna say, you know, whereas other parts, and perhaps this is more me and the self-energy that shows up to say in a more calm way, right yeah.

 

00:06:01.000 --> 00:06:02.000

But it's Meg. It's Mac. We're gonna be okay. Right?

 

00:06:02.000 --> 00:06:03.000

Bye!

 

00:06:03.000 --> 00:06:05.000

Those parts that worry about what other people think, or, oh, my God!

 

00:06:05.000 --> 00:06:11.000

Are we? Gonna you know, sound good. And all this stuff right?

 

00:06:11.000 --> 00:06:13.000

Hey! Right!

 

00:06:13.000 --> 00:06:19.000

Maybe some fear of rejection, parts that are fearing rejection, and then my autonomic nervous system filling the anxiety about it.

 

00:06:19.000 --> 00:06:29.000

Right? Right? Yeah. And you know, I think we talk about this in terms of the neuro-inclusive approach to ifs.

 

00:06:29.000 --> 00:06:49.000

Because understanding the distinction between different narrow types is important, but really it does apply to everyone, and it is so non shaming, because so often to when I love that you just broke it down that way, because when we can also let our parts know this is also our hardware like I get that you're

 

00:06:49.000 --> 00:06:55.000

nervous right, but our bodies doing this too, right.

 

00:06:55.000 --> 00:06:56.000

Yeah.

 

00:06:56.000 --> 00:07:00.000

This is just us by a logically, there can be some relief to just like, Oh, yeah, and I'm just me.

 

00:07:00.000 --> 00:07:05.000

And I'm just gonna trust that hardware right? Like, cause it's my hardware.

 

00:07:05.000 --> 00:07:06.000

Right, yeah.

 

00:07:06.000 --> 00:07:10.000

I love that. Yeah, oh, I love that. Do you want to share any?

 

00:07:10.000 --> 00:07:15.000

I mean thoughts about our inspiration for creating this neuro-inclusive approach.

 

00:07:15.000 --> 00:07:18.000

I mean I could say it, but I'm interviewing you so.

 

00:07:18.000 --> 00:07:35.000

Yeah, I, mean, yeah, yeah, I mean, and please ask, obviously, because we're in this together.

 

00:07:35.000 --> 00:07:36.000

Yeah.

 

00:07:36.000 --> 00:07:39.000

But II think I touched on it a little bit, because the non shaming aspect of any type of therapeutic intervention is kind of what underlines our passion and my opinion.

 

00:07:39.000 --> 00:07:50.000

Everything we do at normal stay, whether we're working with a neuro, different person or somebody struggling with an addictive process, or someone with a completely different presenting issue.

 

00:07:50.000 --> 00:08:04.000

Our passion is to come at it from a very trauma, informed non shaming, holistic approach.

 

00:08:04.000 --> 00:08:05.000

Yeah.

 

00:08:05.000 --> 00:08:08.000

So it just made sense to us, right? It just made sense to us to look at ifs, which is a thing therapeutic modality.

 

00:08:08.000 --> 00:08:18.000

I know is near and dear to both of our hearts, but also see to both of our hearts, but also see right like even this really really compassionate, beautiful model.

 

00:08:18.000 --> 00:08:38.000

Unintentionally my in induce shame, or there are microaggressions that exist like that's a massive part of our our awareness in our chapter is like, do we have parts that are implicitly biased that are committing micro aggressions? Against neuro different folks you know.

 

00:08:38.000 --> 00:08:39.000

and so, yeah, yeah.

 

00:08:39.000 --> 00:08:40.000

Yeah. Beautiful segue to our chapter. So let's talk about our chapter.

 

00:08:40.000 --> 00:08:47.000

I can. I've got it right here, printed out everybody I know, I know. Thank you.

 

00:08:47.000 --> 00:08:51.000

II love the part of you that did that.

 

00:08:51.000 --> 00:09:00.000

Part. So it. This is a book called Altogether us Jenna Romerzma, our dear friend, Certified.

 

00:09:00.000 --> 00:09:01.000

Hmm!

 

00:09:01.000 --> 00:09:04.000

Ifs therapist wrote altogether you a couple years ago.

 

00:09:04.000 --> 00:09:06.000

It was amazing, and then reached out to the leaders in the specialized populations.

 

00:09:06.000 --> 00:09:21.000

Working with specialized populations to say, Would you please be part of this book that I'm editing right, and reached out to me about.

 

00:09:21.000 --> 00:09:29.000

You know, how can we really be more neuro-inclusive?

 

00:09:29.000 --> 00:09:30.000

Yeah.

 

00:09:30.000 --> 00:09:31.000

Right? Or can you write a chapter under a divergent individuals which I like to say, neuro difference?

 

00:09:31.000 --> 00:09:38.000

So I was honored to do that, and.

 

00:09:38.000 --> 00:09:42.000

At some point I'll just be completely transparent.

 

00:09:42.000 --> 00:09:45.000

This was, Gosh! You're a year and a half ago that this process started, and I was found.

 

00:09:45.000 --> 00:09:59.000

Myself, my autistic brain right? I noticed that my 80 88% of the autistic brain, right?

 

00:09:59.000 --> 00:10:07.000

I noticed that my and Jenna suggested that you know we have a couple of reviewers.

 

00:10:07.000 --> 00:10:10.000

I want to give credit to Kimballing, who's a Id.

 

00:10:10.000 --> 00:10:19.000

And then for being our reviewers, and Jenna had suggested, gosh, maybe we have someone co-author with you.

 

00:10:19.000 --> 00:10:32.000

And I thought Well, if we're gonna have someone Co author with me, it's gonna be Meg, because you are me.

 

00:10:32.000 --> 00:10:43.000

Hmm!

 

00:10:43.000 --> 00:10:44.000

Yeah.

 

00:10:44.000 --> 00:10:48.000

Truly, I mean we are so much alike. You get me inside and out, your absolutely the most neuro-inclusive human being I know, based on your understanding of it with family, and so and have just been such an incredible advocate for me so that's where we came together because what I really my

 

00:10:48.000 --> 00:10:53.000

strength is in explaining to the world neuro difference, right?

 

00:10:53.000 --> 00:10:58.000

So part, one is all about that right? Like, let's really help.

 

00:10:58.000 --> 00:11:05.000

The world understands, you know, being sensitive to. And I'm just.

 

00:11:05.000 --> 00:11:13.000

I'm literally sifting through it. People can see.

 

00:11:13.000 --> 00:11:14.000

Alright!

 

00:11:14.000 --> 00:11:15.000

Oh, part one increasing awareness and sensitivity around neuro divergence where we we do say that word interchangeably with neuro difference.

 

00:11:15.000 --> 00:11:22.000

But we talk about how autism used to be viewed.

 

00:11:22.000 --> 00:11:26.000

We talked about the neurodiversity movement and paradigm.

 

00:11:26.000 --> 00:11:36.000

You know, we talk about how there's oh, we got.

 

00:11:36.000 --> 00:11:37.000

Yes.

 

00:11:37.000 --> 00:11:41.000

We talked about getting rid of the D's, which specifically for people, because I've gotten heat about d being disability.

 

00:11:41.000 --> 00:11:53.000

I'm not talking about the word disability, because to me disability really is a valid term to use with neuro differences.

 

00:11:53.000 --> 00:12:02.000

What I'm talking about is making autism a disorder and attention deficit, a disorder when there's that when it's a neurotype.

 

00:12:02.000 --> 00:12:05.000

So that's where we are coming from, for those listeners.

 

00:12:05.000 --> 00:12:06.000

We're not making disability. A dirty word.

 

00:12:06.000 --> 00:12:18.000

We're just saying K. Dsm, can you ditch disorder for these neurological differences and put them in a book or a category in your book that makes more sense right?

 

00:12:18.000 --> 00:12:22.000

Yeah.

 

00:12:22.000 --> 00:12:23.000

Please. Oh, wait! You're being interviewed.

 

00:12:23.000 --> 00:12:46.000

Right? Well, because and this was, I think, if you don't mind me like jumping in something that we is the way that the mental health and you know, medical community has been informed and educated about, different neurotypes autism Adhd has been that there's this

 

00:12:46.000 --> 00:12:56.000

problem. And here are these ways that we can fix the problem or cure the problem right?

 

00:12:56.000 --> 00:12:57.000

Huh!

 

00:12:57.000 --> 00:13:03.000

And so that this deficiency or disorder model, even if there's challenges and struggles which we honor right, it really kind of sets this stage of you're the bad one.

 

00:13:03.000 --> 00:13:06.000

Something's wrong with you, and this is how you should be.

 

00:13:06.000 --> 00:13:12.000

And again going back to like the shaming, the shaming, that unintentionally really surrounds, looking at something that way.

 

00:13:12.000 --> 00:13:13.000

Hello!

 

00:13:13.000 --> 00:13:22.000

So this ditching of the d who has hashtag right ditching of the d's really helps us to like again.

 

00:13:22.000 --> 00:13:43.000

Bring in a non shaming approach where we can really see and hear, and know and understand someone's challenges and struggles individually without making them feel like less than, or the problem or deficient right all because we're just changing the way we look at this and it's so important for the

 

00:13:43.000 --> 00:13:50.000

individual for the client, for the you know, the neuro different client.

 

00:13:50.000 --> 00:13:51.000

Hello!

 

00:13:51.000 --> 00:14:06.000

And so important for the provider. Right? Whether it's a family care, doctor, whether it's a therapist, whether it's a occupational therapist like anyone working with someone to come at it from this more non shaming difference, not deficient approach is only going to bring good.

 

00:14:06.000 --> 00:14:10.000

Oh, yeah, I just love it well said, well said, let's jump into a part, too.

 

00:14:10.000 --> 00:14:13.000

Doing well. Hmm. Parts.

 

00:14:13.000 --> 00:14:23.000

So part 2 is all about our approach. Right? And so it starts by saying, how ifs can assist with healing and empowering both therapist parts and neuro different clients.

 

00:14:23.000 --> 00:14:28.000

Systems.

 

00:14:28.000 --> 00:14:29.000

Yeah.

 

00:14:29.000 --> 00:14:33.000

Yeah, yeah, yeah, so, so, part 2 is where we really dive into ifs.

 

00:14:33.000 --> 00:14:38.000

Which again, like I said, is I definitely have an attachment to that model.

 

00:14:38.000 --> 00:14:42.000

I have an ifs fan girl, part I talk about all the time right?

 

00:14:42.000 --> 00:14:43.000

Because I do see, and I know we both seen just the transformation that happens with that model with people right?

 

00:14:43.000 --> 00:15:04.000

But just like anything, you know, it's not perfect. And so in part 2, we really flesh out ways that we can use that model with neuro different clients starting with like their sensory needs.

 

00:15:04.000 --> 00:15:09.000

And you're gonna laugh because I was like craving and I'm still craving one of your little sensory rings.

 

00:15:09.000 --> 00:15:10.000

Oh! This! Yeah, I can't reach it. Oh, my gosh!

 

00:15:10.000 --> 00:15:16.000

I was like. I need to bring those home. Yeah, I'm like, I need a.

 

00:15:16.000 --> 00:15:17.000

I was like, Why are, yeah, I know.

 

00:15:17.000 --> 00:15:19.000

Wish I could be like. Add it through the phone.

 

00:15:19.000 --> 00:15:24.000

Like, why are they around my house right like those little sensory rings?

 

00:15:24.000 --> 00:15:29.000

But we start with that, we start with like can a therapist from the jump?

 

00:15:29.000 --> 00:15:33.000

Be curious about what any person, but specifically their neuro different clients need in their sensory environment, in their like.

 

00:15:33.000 --> 00:15:46.000

What they need to learn and take things in gosh! And I know we mentioned this, but I just can't ever forget the client that we had that like.

 

00:15:46.000 --> 00:15:50.000

We came into an intensive setting, and that person, just like.

 

00:15:50.000 --> 00:15:51.000

And we're like, Oh, and I feel like I'm in the principal's office, you know.

 

00:15:51.000 --> 00:15:59.000

And so for us to be able to like really not only help parts, know, you know, hey?

 

00:15:59.000 --> 00:16:15.000

You're not in the principal's office, but really help their hardware, help, their nervous system, fill, present, and the ability to relax and be in feel that sense of safety like you need that you need that with any healing mode, right?

 

00:16:15.000 --> 00:16:19.000

Oh, and what I love about our approach again with talking about!

 

00:16:19.000 --> 00:16:24.000

That is, it starts there. It's the setting right, the setting.

 

00:16:24.000 --> 00:16:26.000

Yeah, yeah.

 

00:16:26.000 --> 00:16:32.000

So soft lighting. Right does. Do you have a weighted blanket for the person?

 

00:16:32.000 --> 00:16:36.000

Right for this neuro different person that's in with you, you know.

 

00:16:36.000 --> 00:16:39.000

Maybe they need to drink some hair, some water if you need it.

 

00:16:39.000 --> 00:16:48.000

Gosh, I've got all these stem toys, and let's just come into the setting right before we dive into.

 

00:16:48.000 --> 00:16:49.000

Right.

 

00:16:49.000 --> 00:17:04.000

The work, because I found that so many of so many neuro different folks, myself included, were very body based now, what I mean by that is that the first is, it can be pretty hard to be in our body.

 

00:17:04.000 --> 00:17:09.000

Okay. But we're feeling things very strongly. So it seems like a contradiction.

 

00:17:09.000 --> 00:17:10.000

Right like. It might be hard for me to feel in my body, because it's so overwhelming.

 

00:17:10.000 --> 00:17:31.000

But when I do ifs from that, like sensory, if I can connect the hardware of, can calmer I'm going to be able to tap into my parts easier.

 

00:17:31.000 --> 00:17:32.000

Right.

 

00:17:32.000 --> 00:17:49.000

Then, if I just walk in and I'm talking 90 miles an hour that we just jump right in.

 

00:17:49.000 --> 00:17:50.000

Yeah, right?

 

00:17:50.000 --> 00:17:54.000

That doesn't support what my autonomic nurse system, my hardware needs for a neuro, different person, because I feel things so strongly and intensely, which is so fascinating because we have interception where we don't always but I can feel your anxiety for instance.

 

00:17:54.000 --> 00:18:00.000

I feel all the energy around me. So many. Different folks to especially autistic folks, right?

 

00:18:00.000 --> 00:18:01.000

Right, bye.

 

00:18:01.000 --> 00:18:13.000

It feels and sounds like a contradiction, but at the same time that's why you have someone that's like we work with a hundred percent neuro different folks, because we've got biological neuro difference.

 

00:18:13.000 --> 00:18:19.000

Autism. Adhd obsessive, compulsive, bipolar.

 

00:18:19.000 --> 00:18:26.000

We've got environmental neuro difference. Ptsd, trauma, chronic substance, use or abuse. Right?

 

00:18:26.000 --> 00:18:35.000

Which changes the brain so. And you know, I know that a lot of people listening might say, Holy cow!

 

00:18:35.000 --> 00:18:36.000

I didn't realize there's an environmental neuro difference.

 

00:18:36.000 --> 00:18:50.000

So I know I'm harping on that. I just think we focus so much on the sensory processing issues and the sensory needs because therapists miss that boat. And that affects so many of us that are neuro difference.

 

00:18:50.000 --> 00:19:00.000

Yeah, yeah, well, this is truly where my poly vagal fan girl part comes out right.

 

00:19:00.000 --> 00:19:13.000

Because yay, yeah, because again, I do think that the poly vagal theory approach can be something that's supportive for everyone, even noticing what you're feeling in your body.

 

00:19:13.000 --> 00:19:24.000

What's state you're in? Right? And so when you were talking about that, I was like, Yeah, so when we can validate, I have some sympathetic energy in the room right now.

 

00:19:24.000 --> 00:19:28.000

Well, of course you do like for us. It's like we are literally being recorded right now.

 

00:19:28.000 --> 00:19:33.000

I'd wanna check my pulse in your polls if we didn't have some sympathetic energy on board right?

 

00:19:33.000 --> 00:19:39.000

So then we validate that. Oh, yeah, our bodies just doing what it's supposed to be doing right.

 

00:19:39.000 --> 00:19:49.000

And so it doesn't become something that we shame or something that we feel we're worried about even more.

 

00:19:49.000 --> 00:19:50.000

Yeah.

 

00:19:50.000 --> 00:19:59.000

You know, it's so validating. And yeah, and I really do get curious of why, really curious about why, that is missed so much because it's really simple.

 

00:19:59.000 --> 00:20:04.000

It's really simple to just like help someone checking with their bodies. You know.

 

00:20:04.000 --> 00:20:05.000

What do you need right now to start? Is it okay? If you fidget right?

 

00:20:05.000 --> 00:20:09.000

Oh, my gosh! I love that! Go ahead! No! Keep going.

 

00:20:09.000 --> 00:20:20.000

And here's something I'll say for you. Well, I yeah, I just was gonna say, I'm gonna jump ahead a tiny bit, because the next part or maybe it's a segway.

 

00:20:20.000 --> 00:20:30.000

The next part of our chapter is really helping our therapist parts understand, if we have explosives, excuse me.

 

00:20:30.000 --> 00:20:44.000

Implicit biases that might produce micro aggressions.

 

00:20:44.000 --> 00:20:49.000

Yeah.

 

00:20:49.000 --> 00:20:50.000

Huh!

 

00:20:50.000 --> 00:20:52.000

Because then for me, that question becomes, what makes you uncomfortable about somebody else stimming right like if somebody else needs to be rocking or assuming, or moving, or flapping, what makes you uncomfortable about that like what does that go back to and wow!

 

00:20:52.000 --> 00:20:57.000

Who asks those kinds of questions? Right? We no one asked us that in grad school, right?

 

00:20:57.000 --> 00:20:58.000

They didn't ask us that, you know.

 

00:20:58.000 --> 00:20:59.000

Uhhuh, yeah. Well, I love that. You're saying that because I had.

 

00:20:59.000 --> 00:21:05.000

I didn't have a great experience with an Ifs.

 

00:21:05.000 --> 00:21:10.000

Therapist, you know, and this is where I was inspired to.

 

00:21:10.000 --> 00:21:21.000

Okay, we've got a, we absolutely need to do in a row inclusive approach to ifs, because we love the model.

 

00:21:21.000 --> 00:21:22.000

Hmm!

 

00:21:22.000 --> 00:21:23.000

And there's too many therapists out there that are causing unintended unintended harm because of their implicit bias. Right biases.

 

00:21:23.000 --> 00:21:26.000

And the other things that we're discussing. So, yeah, so this, this is perfect.

 

00:21:26.000 --> 00:21:27.000

Right, yeah.

 

00:21:27.000 --> 00:21:33.000

I am gonna just say, go back and start to folks listening.

 

00:21:33.000 --> 00:21:38.000

I don't wanna create any like questions about what I'm saying.

 

00:21:38.000 --> 00:21:51.000

We're not necessarily in our body in our lives, because it's so overwhelming that it might feel safer for a lot of autistic folks, especially I can speak for myself, maybe folks won't agree with me.

 

00:21:51.000 --> 00:21:52.000

It's easier for me to stay upstairs and be a thinker.

 

00:21:52.000 --> 00:22:05.000

Have thinker parts, just because I'd feel safer to me in therapy, though what I notice with a lot of my autism clients, and I notice with me, too, and my own ifs therapy is it?

 

00:22:05.000 --> 00:22:14.000

We're very body based. So if you put a weighted blanket on me and I can fidget, and I can really tune into what's going on.

 

00:22:14.000 --> 00:22:15.000

Aw, so good!

 

00:22:15.000 --> 00:22:27.000

That's why semantic, if II love it so much, then I can do the work because I come in, and oftentimes I'm up here anxious, autonomic, nervous system, just low, level anxiety, and then I have parts up here in my jaw my thinker. Parts.

 

00:22:27.000 --> 00:22:36.000

My analytical parts. Right? So so, yeah, so I just wanna say that and come back to what we're talking about with bias.

 

00:22:36.000 --> 00:22:46.000

Because it all relates right?

 

00:22:46.000 --> 00:22:47.000

Huh!

 

00:22:47.000 --> 00:23:00.000

Yeah, yeah. And I mean, I thought I just had, as you said, that from like a therapist point of view is, if we miss the boat about a narrow difference or the hardware we might assume as therapists, that someone has like a really stubborn intellectual part that's

 

00:23:00.000 --> 00:23:08.000

like not letting you access the rest of the system, or you know, when in reality it's somebody's hardware.

 

00:23:08.000 --> 00:23:19.000

That's needs to be attended to, really help the whole system, relax and be more accessible. Right?

 

00:23:19.000 --> 00:23:20.000

It does.

 

00:23:20.000 --> 00:23:35.000

It's. And sometimes, yeah, that makes sense. So we might go into yeah, we might go into the weeds.

 

00:23:35.000 --> 00:23:36.000

Huh!

 

00:23:36.000 --> 00:23:41.000

As therapists, and this is, I think, also to where microaggressions or implicit biases can surface like if therapists tell their clients well, here's a resistant part, or you have this like stubborn part that's blocking, and maybe there is maybe there

 

00:23:41.000 --> 00:23:42.000

is we could call or yes.

 

00:23:42.000 --> 00:23:48.000

Or you're being rigid. You have a rigid, you have a rigid part, or you have an Adhd part, or you have an Adhd part, or you have an autistic part. Folks.

 

00:23:48.000 --> 00:23:52.000

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

 

00:23:52.000 --> 00:23:53.000

Right.

 

00:23:53.000 --> 00:23:55.000

Though. That's hardware. Our diagnosis is our hardware, and rigidity for folks listening.

 

00:23:55.000 --> 00:24:08.000

If if so, we know that people can say, Okay, part of the diagnostic treatment diagnostic criteria for autism is rigidity.

 

00:24:08.000 --> 00:24:16.000

Right. That is cause I've actually heard other ifs therapists that were talking about autism, and one of the person interviewing said, Well, what is the rigidity about?

 

00:24:16.000 --> 00:24:18.000

He said, I don't know. I know they know exactly what it's about.

 

00:24:18.000 --> 00:24:26.000

So we wrote about this in our chapter. It's autonomic nervous system distribution.

 

00:24:26.000 --> 00:24:27.000

Yeah.

 

00:24:27.000 --> 00:24:28.000

So when I feel I feel a low level of anxiety all the time.

 

00:24:28.000 --> 00:24:37.000

That's my autistic makeup. There is co-occurring anxiety and my autonomic nervous system is just regulated.

 

00:24:37.000 --> 00:24:41.000

We live in a very anxiety, provoking environment.

 

00:24:41.000 --> 00:24:47.000

That's too much case. So I know that that's part of my autonomic nervous system.

 

00:24:47.000 --> 00:24:48.000

Yeah.

 

00:24:48.000 --> 00:25:03.000

Right. And so my rigidity, if I have parts that jump on being rigid, it's because I'm in fear, and I'm probably at the high level of my sympathetic arousal where I'm feeling like I'm really in danger.

 

00:25:03.000 --> 00:25:04.000

Right? Yeah, right? Right? Because our parts.

 

00:25:04.000 --> 00:25:14.000

That's gotta be instead of me being labeled as it's your autistic part. And and it you're being rigid right?

 

00:25:14.000 --> 00:25:33.000

Well and no, you're doing, I think this is the heart of what we're talking about in like that second part of our chapter where we're really asking therapists to go inward, because that's statement of thinking that someone has an autistic part and then wanting to

 

00:25:33.000 --> 00:25:37.000

do work on that. Actually, I'm a part actually ends up.

 

00:25:37.000 --> 00:25:42.000

Following that deficit model, like we got to do something about this autistic part of yours that's so rigid.

 

00:25:42.000 --> 00:25:46.000

And it's like, wait, wait, wait, wait! There's so much wrong with that statement.

 

00:25:46.000 --> 00:25:52.000

In my opinion, right? Because autism is hardware, not software.

 

00:25:52.000 --> 00:25:56.000

And our parts are always the problem. It's their burdens.

 

00:25:56.000 --> 00:26:00.000

And so to expand the analogy we're using here.

 

00:26:00.000 --> 00:26:10.000

It's like our hope is to heal the software viruses that our parts can get right, but not to like choose which parts are good and which parts are bad, right? Like no.

 

00:26:10.000 --> 00:26:14.000

But parts, you know Dick Schwartz knewest book right?

 

00:26:14.000 --> 00:26:19.000

And so it's like all parts are good. They show up for a reason.

 

00:26:19.000 --> 00:26:35.000

We want to have awareness of the hardware that they might be responding to right, and not even internally, within that model label parts in a way that they might be responding to right and not even internally within that model label parts in a way that perpetu right so curiosity one of

 

00:26:35.000 --> 00:26:39.000

the acs like huh! I'm sensing this right.

 

00:26:39.000 --> 00:26:44.000

Your body, just moved this way, or like we said, with that person like, Oh, notice your body!

 

00:26:44.000 --> 00:26:48.000

It looks like you're kind of feeling some, is it?

 

00:26:48.000 --> 00:26:55.000

Anxiety like, what's happening here. That person might have said, no, this is how I like to sit, and we're like, all right, you know.

 

00:26:55.000 --> 00:26:57.000

But when he went inward he was like, Yeah, I'm feeling like I'm in the principal's office. You know what I mean.

 

00:26:57.000 --> 00:26:59.000

So, yeah, curiosity, so far.

 

00:26:59.000 --> 00:27:10.000

Well, yeah, we're going to say that we recently did a ketamine assisted psychotherapy, intensive because we do. Those and folks will come.

 

00:27:10.000 --> 00:27:11.000

Yeah.

 

00:27:11.000 --> 00:27:15.000

They'll fly in from literally all over out of the country in, you know the Us.

 

00:27:15.000 --> 00:27:26.000

With a gentleman who's neuro different. And it was what what's beautiful that we see with cap is that self-energy is more present.

 

00:27:26.000 --> 00:27:34.000

So self-energy was definitely in the room with him after his 45 min journey, and I was in there with Chris doing the psychoanalytic therapy.

 

00:27:34.000 --> 00:27:48.000

What, and it's just fascinating. I could tell when I mean he was actually navigating the parts himself by just being having enough of energy to say, like, Oh, yeah, I can hear that part come up.

 

00:27:48.000 --> 00:27:52.000

And I'm just noticing it, and they coming back where I noticed this hardware came in.

 

00:27:52.000 --> 00:27:59.000

Was. We asked a couple questions were asked, and he just said, It feels like overwhelming right?

 

00:27:59.000 --> 00:28:04.000

Like, just it's like, there's just too much like right now.

 

00:28:04.000 --> 00:28:06.000

I'm having a hard time processing the information. Boom!

 

00:28:06.000 --> 00:28:22.000

Right, right.

 

00:28:22.000 --> 00:28:23.000

Yeah.

 

00:28:23.000 --> 00:28:24.000

That's hardware. Right? So then, so it's like, really, so important for therapy to start to understand the differences instead of saying everything is apart because our neurological hardware is not a part.

 

00:28:24.000 --> 00:28:36.000

And so I found that I you know I learned so much of the Ifs structure, including how much education they need around neuro inclusivity.

 

00:28:36.000 --> 00:28:37.000

Yeah.

 

00:28:37.000 --> 00:28:46.000

And that was one of the things I heard. Other clinicians, ifs, you know.

 

00:28:46.000 --> 00:28:47.000

Yeah.

 

00:28:47.000 --> 00:28:59.000

PA, saying, and I had so much capacity, which was my Adhd part, for instance, right and so, and I get people listening.

 

00:28:59.000 --> 00:29:00.000

Hmm!

 

00:29:00.000 --> 00:29:07.000

Might say, Well, what if they feel like it is? Again we talk about this, too, really honoring the language of the client that's in front of you in terms, including how they say like, if they if they identify as Oh, my gosh!

 

00:29:07.000 --> 00:29:10.000

I forgot the I just completely blanked out, but it's I'm autistic versus.

 

00:29:10.000 --> 00:29:12.000

I have autism, right?

 

00:29:12.000 --> 00:29:14.000

Person, person, first, or, yeah? Hmm.

 

00:29:14.000 --> 00:29:20.000

Yeah, yeah, and so I wanna say that, too, that what's interesting?

 

00:29:20.000 --> 00:29:21.000

And part of our model is that we'll we'll be carry about.

 

00:29:21.000 --> 00:29:30.000

Hey? Tell me more about that, right? And then, yeah, do you want to speak to that when we're curious about?

 

00:29:30.000 --> 00:29:31.000

If someone says I haven't adhd part.

 

00:29:31.000 --> 00:29:50.000

Well, I think we're just doing so awesome with transitions, by the way, because, like this, totally, weaves in that like last part of our chapter, which is really creatively mapping people's parts and their narrow different traits, and so like what's coming up for me as you share that is yeah.

 

00:29:50.000 --> 00:29:57.000

we can maybe lean in with curiosity around. Okay, can can we learn more about this part of you that you're calling the Adhd part?

 

00:29:57.000 --> 00:30:07.000

And then, with some of the more concrete and explicit tools that we use to help people map whether we're using parts cards or art.

 

00:30:07.000 --> 00:30:08.000

Music, yeah.

 

00:30:08.000 --> 00:30:24.000

Or physiologically helping them feel it. Music, movement, like all of these things as we are moving about that part, we will start to know the answer of whether or not it is a hardware trait, or whether it is really a part.

 

00:30:24.000 --> 00:30:34.000

And as we get to know the part, we probably will find out that it's so much more than whatever another part is labeling as the Adhd part right?

 

00:30:34.000 --> 00:30:35.000

You know.

 

00:30:35.000 --> 00:30:55.000

Yes, yes, I love that, you said that I love it, and I wanna go back just so that because we are, I wanna give a tool just a teaser tool for people, cause I know we're saying, Hey, we're addressing these issues in the chapter.

 

00:30:55.000 --> 00:30:56.000

Yeah.

 

00:30:56.000 --> 00:31:00.000

First I want to reassure everyone that if you're going to read the chapter if you're ifs therapist or a practitioner, you're not an Ifs therapist, you're just a provider wanting to help people we do we give tips and tools.

 

00:31:00.000 --> 00:31:08.000

We give takeaways things you can do things you can practice so we're not just saying these are the issues we do give.

 

00:31:08.000 --> 00:31:12.000

You know, tried and true things you can do that, we found, have worked.

 

00:31:12.000 --> 00:31:13.000

Right.

 

00:31:13.000 --> 00:31:18.000

And so going back to if there's a microaggression, we actually walk people through what to do right?

 

00:31:18.000 --> 00:31:23.000

What you can do. I don't know if you want to give a little teaser about that, but.

 

00:31:23.000 --> 00:31:26.000

The experience in the chapter that's shared, or oh!

 

00:31:26.000 --> 00:31:31.000

Well, no, no, just like, how a clinician could.

 

00:31:31.000 --> 00:31:32.000

Yeah, yes. Make it make an amends, right? Or or be proactive.

 

00:31:32.000 --> 00:31:38.000

Oh, right well! And this is the beautiful. Oh, totally. Yeah.

 

00:31:38.000 --> 00:31:47.000

And this is the beautiful thing that ifs up in the first place, too, is, it's such a humanizing model that, like we all have parts right.

 

00:31:47.000 --> 00:31:55.000

And so even on this, even on this interview, you and I have been using parts language because it's just second nature to us, you know.

 

00:31:55.000 --> 00:32:15.000

So as clinicians when we can drop into that with our client, it humanizes the experience in such a beautiful way, and then when we own and take accountability for a microaggression, and the definition of a microaggression is often subtle and unintentional right and so

 

00:32:15.000 --> 00:32:16.000

we're gonna have to own them right. And there is an example of that.

 

00:32:16.000 --> 00:32:36.000

In the chapter, you know, but like when we can say, Oh, I'm recognizing that I just that I just did that, or I'm recognizing that I have parts that may use language or say things that offend you, or are a micro aggression.

 

00:32:36.000 --> 00:32:44.000

And I'm going to say that from the gecko, because I want to honor your experience, and I want to be able to make make it right. You know what I mean.

 

00:32:44.000 --> 00:32:56.000

I wanna be able to make it right. And what a beautiful modeling like! Just what a beautiful modeling of a relationship kind of, you know, acceptance, compassion.

 

00:32:56.000 --> 00:33:06.000

It also creates safety, it creates safety. Sorry to cut you off.

 

00:33:06.000 --> 00:33:07.000

Exactly.

 

00:33:07.000 --> 00:33:18.000

It also creates safety and a corrective experience for so many clients who are nouro different, that have had trauma from therapists that have had microaggressions that have done a lot of labeling that have used the deficit-based language clients come to us

 

00:33:18.000 --> 00:33:22.000

oftentimes and we're unpacking a lot of that trauma from therapy.

 

00:33:22.000 --> 00:33:34.000

And so that I mean for clients whoever's whatever therapist is listening, know that if you have a neuro, different client coming into your office, chances are they're showing up a trauma from mental health providers medical providers and other providers.

 

00:33:34.000 --> 00:33:38.000

So that's why we're saying, be proactive in saying this, and then we walk you through.

 

00:33:38.000 --> 00:33:55.000

Okay, what can you do if this has happened right? And I'm autistic, I have autistic clients, too, that sometimes, you know, I'll say something, and I'll say I'll own it.

 

00:33:55.000 --> 00:34:01.000

You know for me it's more around pronouns where I'm like, oh, my God!

 

00:34:01.000 --> 00:34:10.000

Sorry I apologize, you know. And first speaking from experience and being in my own autistic body, we're pretty forgiving.

 

00:34:10.000 --> 00:34:11.000

Oh, yeah.

 

00:34:11.000 --> 00:34:20.000

So, you know so. But we also need to feel safe to know that our therapist can be vulnerable and accountable enough to own a microaggression that was unintended.

 

00:34:20.000 --> 00:34:28.000

Or you know that says something, because if a therapist count on it, we don't feel safe, and we I end up quitting treatment.

 

00:34:28.000 --> 00:34:46.000

Quitting therapy, and we've and I've heard that from other autistic clients to another neuro, different clients that have said, You know, this was my experience.

 

00:34:46.000 --> 00:34:47.000

Right.

 

00:34:47.000 --> 00:34:48.000

It was traumatic. And yeah, I ended up not going back, or we and I talked about this in the beginning of the chapter, or I never brought my autism up again because of the microaggression against me.

 

00:34:48.000 --> 00:35:00.000

And then just no acknowledgement whatsoever of my experience so.

 

00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:01.000

Yeah.

 

00:35:01.000 --> 00:35:04.000

Alright. So then I'm not fully staying, and heard unknown and understood, which, in my opinion, is so required for healing like a human.

 

00:35:04.000 --> 00:35:09.000

You cannot heal without being witnessed. You cannot heal without being really seen right and you can have choice around what you want.

 

00:35:09.000 --> 00:35:19.000

To share. But if you feel like you can't share something that's so integral to who you are.

 

00:35:19.000 --> 00:35:25.000

Right, then it's really really hard to move into that healing space right?

 

00:35:25.000 --> 00:35:26.000

Yeah.

 

00:35:26.000 --> 00:35:30.000

Yeah, yeah, and we are coming in with our hardware we're coming in with trauma based on our hardware meaning.

 

00:35:30.000 --> 00:35:41.000

My autism doesn't traumatize me. And I that is so controversial because I know other people that will say my autism does traumatize me.

 

00:35:41.000 --> 00:35:43.000

So I have compassion for all of us. Yes, I have challenging days based on my neurological differences.

 

00:35:43.000 --> 00:35:54.000

I get, I have parts to get frustrated with my challenging days because of my neurological difference.

 

00:35:54.000 --> 00:36:03.000

Personally, I don't feel traumatized by that, but I wanna honor folks that really feel like they're neurot difference is traumatic.

 

00:36:03.000 --> 00:36:05.000

So I wanna say that I know right. And then I lost my train.

 

00:36:05.000 --> 00:36:06.000

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

 

00:36:06.000 --> 00:36:10.000

I thought, what was I going to? What was my point?

 

00:36:10.000 --> 00:36:17.000

Well, what I think you were getting at was that the traumatic experiences actually come from how the world responds right.

 

00:36:17.000 --> 00:36:21.000

Thank you for. Yeah. Thank you for helping me get on track today. With that.

 

00:36:21.000 --> 00:36:22.000

I gotcha.

 

00:36:22.000 --> 00:36:29.000

So, I know, girl, you do got me so, and I thank you for saying that the world has been very traumatic to me.

 

00:36:29.000 --> 00:36:32.000

And then a lot of the neurotransmitter folks.

 

00:36:32.000 --> 00:36:37.000

We see that will say went to therapy, and this was what I was told about me.

 

00:36:37.000 --> 00:36:38.000

You know, and my neurotype. And so we're so that's why it's just so important.

 

00:36:38.000 --> 00:36:54.000

What we're doing, what we've written about and what yeah, what we're trying to get out into the world, which will be, I think it's out on Kindle, and you can pre order the book that'll be out in August.

 

00:36:54.000 --> 00:36:56.000

I think it will be obvious. Yeah, yeah.

 

00:36:56.000 --> 00:37:06.000

Yeah, anything. Else. You wanna add, I do want us to kind of talk about what you do here and how people can connect with you.

 

00:37:06.000 --> 00:37:07.000

Yeah.

 

00:37:07.000 --> 00:37:09.000

But anything else you wanna add about our chapter.

 

00:37:09.000 --> 00:37:24.000

Well I loved having the conversation with you about it, and I'm really excited for it to be out and for people to be able to read it and like you, said we, the book actually, Jenna, and all of the editors have done a really amazing job.

 

00:37:24.000 --> 00:37:27.000

I think of making it really readable, and giving tools and resources for people.

 

00:37:27.000 --> 00:37:29.000

Uhhuh. Uhhuh.

 

00:37:29.000 --> 00:37:34.000

And so it's definitely not like something that'll just go over everybody's head.

 

00:37:34.000 --> 00:37:38.000

And yeah. So if you're more interested in it, then check it out right?

 

00:37:38.000 --> 00:37:45.000

Yeah, and then we're still trying to schedule.

 

00:37:45.000 --> 00:37:46.000

Yeah.

 

00:37:46.000 --> 00:37:50.000

We've been scheduling and rescheduling and trying to figure out what Tammy Sulenberger, so you and I will be on the one inside podcast with her to talk about our chapter.

 

00:37:50.000 --> 00:37:51.000

Yeah, I think in the fall, yeah.

 

00:37:51.000 --> 00:37:52.000

And that should be this year sometime. Yeah, she's dedicated her podcast.

 

00:37:52.000 --> 00:37:59.000

To share the one inside, to every person that's every author.

 

00:37:59.000 --> 00:38:03.000

So I am excited to do that with you, too. I'll definitely get more of a refresher on this before it's been a minute since we were our hit.

 

00:38:03.000 --> 00:38:12.000

Our deadline finished it, submitted it so we're both kind of joking.

 

00:38:12.000 --> 00:38:17.000

We had to review it, and I was so much more nervous this time with you, which is funny.

 

00:38:17.000 --> 00:38:22.000

So I'm coming back to identity first versus first.

 

00:38:22.000 --> 00:38:24.000

There you go. Yeah, yeah.

 

00:38:24.000 --> 00:38:25.000

Yeah, so I kinda draw blank. That is what happens in my brain when I have anxiety right?

 

00:38:25.000 --> 00:38:29.000

That's not a part. It makes so much sense right?

 

00:38:29.000 --> 00:38:34.000

Of course, and it makes so much sense right?

 

00:38:34.000 --> 00:38:40.000

So just validating that. So I just II just want people to see that this is just how it is right.

 

00:38:40.000 --> 00:38:41.000

Right.

 

00:38:41.000 --> 00:38:51.000

But let's finish up our combo today with how people can connect with you, because you and I have developed the intensive programs.

 

00:38:51.000 --> 00:38:55.000

And that's a big deal. That is a big primary way of connecting with you.

 

00:38:55.000 --> 00:38:56.000

So. Do you want to speak to that?

 

00:38:56.000 --> 00:39:10.000

Right? Yeah, for sure. So you know the nomasting intensives, I think, are really unique and kind of came about because we noticed like Wow, we're full of like our local clients.

 

00:39:10.000 --> 00:39:13.000

But we want to still be able to help and support people.

 

00:39:13.000 --> 00:39:22.000

And you know, we we had people just kind of saying like, Hey, if we if we flew out there for 2 weeks, you know, could we work with you?

 

00:39:22.000 --> 00:39:31.000

And so, yeah, I love how they've grown and evolved, and the way that they are set up now is, we are definitely not a one.

 

00:39:31.000 --> 00:39:48.000

Size fits all right. So if somebody's interested in doing an intensive with us, then it starts out with like a really in-depth call to really get to know you like going back to what we've been talking about, we we want people to feel seen and heard and known and understood and not just

 

00:39:48.000 --> 00:40:06.000

like pushed through a schedule or you know, a one size fits all approach, and so there's a variety of different like time, like links of time that people can come be with us, whether you're a local client to where our center is in salt lake or not and we really individualize

 

00:40:06.000 --> 00:40:18.000

it, and you do get to work with me and Candace, but we have some awesome other providers on our intensive team, too, with Chris and our Yoga therapist, Debbie, and we have the Ketamine experience.

 

00:40:18.000 --> 00:40:20.000

That's now part of our intensive. And and so, yeah.

 

00:40:20.000 --> 00:40:26.000

Oh, yeah, I wanna tell people, yeah, cause they can have just a intensive and I don't wanna say, just.

 

00:40:26.000 --> 00:40:27.000

Bye!

 

00:40:27.000 --> 00:40:29.000

But I wanna say it's separate from the cap. Intensive.

 

00:40:29.000 --> 00:40:30.000

Oh, okay, are we still good? I just noticed it. Kind of glitch.

 

00:40:30.000 --> 00:40:38.000

So we have our regular intensive. So folks that are like, I'm not into Canadian.

 

00:40:38.000 --> 00:40:58.000

I don't want, please know that our intensive program still here, and that really is the way that you can engage with Megan I because we're just full.

 

00:40:58.000 --> 00:40:59.000

Yeah.

 

00:40:59.000 --> 00:41:02.000

So most of our clients come for 5 days, and there's been a trend of 3 days lately, but there's also been a trend of 10 days, and so individuals' can come.

 

00:41:02.000 --> 00:41:10.000

You clearly can have a neuralological brain that is not autistic or Adhd to come.

 

00:41:10.000 --> 00:41:11.000

Yeah.

 

00:41:11.000 --> 00:41:23.000

We have a lot of environmental trauma. So folks that have the trail trauma that come to our intentives, couples, and intensives where people, you know, my wanna come because they're neuro different and a mixed arrow type couple to work on issues.

 

00:41:23.000 --> 00:41:25.000

But we also have folks that come for betrayal trauma, and wanting to heal because of our specialty, too.

 

00:41:25.000 --> 00:41:35.000

So, and I do love our intensive, and I really love doing them with you.

 

00:41:35.000 --> 00:41:40.000

I love that we have Chris, that does so much of the nursery work with folks coaching and helping people understand what's going on with your brain.

 

00:41:40.000 --> 00:41:48.000

And then Debbie is a trauma therapist who has literally known her for almost 25 years.

 

00:41:48.000 --> 00:41:49.000

So cool!

 

00:41:49.000 --> 00:42:01.000

Who, then, has moved into yeah. She works with us as a trauma therapist here at Namaste, but in the intensive does the Yoga therapy piece, which is very body based.

 

00:42:01.000 --> 00:42:02.000

Yeah.

 

00:42:02.000 --> 00:42:03.000

So I love that. And then we did have started our cap intensity, which gosh!

 

00:42:03.000 --> 00:42:08.000

That has been such a big learning curve. Wouldn't you say?

 

00:42:08.000 --> 00:42:09.000

Definitely, yeah.

 

00:42:09.000 --> 00:42:15.000

But also for folks that, and you can go to our website to find out more.

 

00:42:15.000 --> 00:42:21.000

It's so. It really is beautiful for neuro different folks.

 

00:42:21.000 --> 00:42:22.000

Right.

 

00:42:22.000 --> 00:42:25.000

And anyone I mean, really anyone. We've noticed the power of.

 

00:42:25.000 --> 00:42:45.000

You know this legal medicine, ketamine, and then psycholetic integrative work which 5% of your healing has to do with the actual medicine and journey, and 95% has to do with the therapy and integration of what you learn at that 5% and so our intensive

 

00:42:45.000 --> 00:42:47.000

catapult people they really are accelerate recovery.

 

00:42:47.000 --> 00:42:49.000

Right, yeah.

 

00:42:49.000 --> 00:42:56.000

They accelerate healing. I've noticed that, and then I think Cap is almost like the intensive on steroids.

 

00:42:56.000 --> 00:42:57.000

It's just right. So.

 

00:42:57.000 --> 00:43:07.000

Right? Yeah, yeah. Well, and I like to say that when you do an intensive with us, you're like our people for life, right?

 

00:43:07.000 --> 00:43:09.000

Like I was. I was actually telling Chris the other day.

 

00:43:09.000 --> 00:43:21.000

I run a men's group, and almost every member in this men's group has done some sort of intensive with us, and it was really amazing to sit back and let them really share those experiences.

 

00:43:21.000 --> 00:43:24.000

And we're late and kind of have that really unique connection with like knowing what it's like.

 

00:43:24.000 --> 00:43:40.000

And why say that? Because we are very different from not saying this with judgment, but like the run of the mail kind of center that is like. This is what we do.

 

00:43:40.000 --> 00:43:49.000

Day, 1, 2, 3, because everything is so individualized. And what I love about that is that they were able to connect around how individualized it was.

 

00:43:49.000 --> 00:43:50.000

Oh, of that!

 

00:43:50.000 --> 00:44:05.000

You know what I mean. And you know, as you know, ketamine infusion centers and different ketamine experiences are available all over now, and we still get folks choosing to come to us because we're an honesty.

 

00:44:05.000 --> 00:44:10.000

We're no mistake, and it's not just using ketamine and then leaving right.

 

00:44:10.000 --> 00:44:15.000

Exactly.

 

00:44:15.000 --> 00:44:16.000

Right.

 

00:44:16.000 --> 00:44:17.000

It's like people that are drawn to us are coming because they want to heal right?

 

00:44:17.000 --> 00:44:20.000

They want to heal on a deeper level and move like accelerate.

 

00:44:20.000 --> 00:44:22.000

So I love that you said that. So groups you mentioned groups. So groups you mentioned groups.

 

00:44:22.000 --> 00:44:24.000

Yeah.

 

00:44:24.000 --> 00:44:29.000

So for folks wanting to connect with you through groups. Can you just share what groups you're doing at Namaste?

 

00:44:29.000 --> 00:44:30.000

Yeah, I actually really love running groups. And right now, I do 2 men's groups.

 

00:44:30.000 --> 00:44:42.000

One's more of a maintenance group with guys I've had my goodness for 5 plus years kind of just maintaining.

 

00:44:42.000 --> 00:44:45.000

And that's a really beautifully intimate group.

 

00:44:45.000 --> 00:44:50.000

And then I have another advanced recovery group that does is a mixed, narrow type group.

 

00:44:50.000 --> 00:44:53.000

So we definitely leave in our neuro-inclusive approach.

 

00:44:53.000 --> 00:44:56.000

And we speak about hardware and software. Often we we leave an Ifs and poly vagl theory.

 

00:44:56.000 --> 00:45:06.000

It's. It's a really beautiful group I had a client share just yesterday, like, that's such a unique group.

 

00:45:06.000 --> 00:45:07.000

I can't put my finger on it, but like I love it like it's so unique.

 

00:45:07.000 --> 00:45:08.000

Oh, my love!

 

00:45:08.000 --> 00:45:21.000

And it's yeah. It's beautiful. And they create that like, it's so unique. And it's yeah, it's beautiful. And they create that like, we like you said, we create the setting and allow the place for our clients to be safe enough to be them.

 

00:45:21.000 --> 00:45:25.000

And they create such a unique and beautiful intimacy together.

 

00:45:25.000 --> 00:45:35.000

I also run a partner empowerment group for women that are dealing with betrayal, trauma, which is such a lovely honor to support those women.

 

00:45:35.000 --> 00:45:36.000

Hmm!

 

00:45:36.000 --> 00:45:42.000

And then last, but not least, and it's like kind of one of my favorite things to do, because I've got a passion for couples.

 

00:45:42.000 --> 00:45:43.000

Therapy is, I do, a bi-weekly couples class, and that's just so much fun.

 

00:45:43.000 --> 00:45:48.000

And we've got some really fun. Couples in there, too.

 

00:45:48.000 --> 00:45:49.000

So!

 

00:45:49.000 --> 00:45:57.000

I love it. And Meg talks all about as you've all heard her, she's so artist articulate, so incredibly.

 

00:45:57.000 --> 00:46:07.000

Hmm!

 

00:46:07.000 --> 00:46:08.000

Hmm!

 

00:46:08.000 --> 00:46:09.000

Articulate and broke, and if you love how she talked! This is how she is in group, just a wealth of knowledge, so compassionate, just so beautiful, with with so much self energy.

 

00:46:09.000 --> 00:46:17.000

So what an honor to have you wrap up a fabulously Candace podcast?

 

00:46:17.000 --> 00:46:28.000

Oh, thank you, you are such a gift! I appreciate so much, being able to to be in this space with you, and so much love.

 

00:46:28.000 --> 00:46:30.000

Well, thank you, and you are such a gift. We are one.

 

00:46:30.000 --> 00:46:31.000

Yeah.

 

00:46:31.000 --> 00:46:35.000

We are a mirror, and so, yeah, I just love you, sweet one.

 

00:46:35.000 --> 00:46:41.000

So what an honor! No mistake! Oh, my gosh! I'm kind of emotional about this.

 

00:46:41.000 --> 00:46:42.000

I know.

 

00:46:42.000 --> 00:46:51.000

We are. We're wrapping up, and Megan, I have been together for so long that it's like there's just chapters that we close.

 

00:46:51.000 --> 00:46:52.000

Yeah.

 

00:46:52.000 --> 00:47:00.000

And we close these chapters because there are new things on the horizon for enormous day.

 

00:47:00.000 --> 00:47:01.000

Yeah.

 

00:47:01.000 --> 00:47:04.000

And so you might actually hear us again on other podcasts.

 

00:47:04.000 --> 00:47:08.000

This is gonna be on our Youtube channel. I wanna say, stays.

 

00:47:08.000 --> 00:47:17.000

But I think I'm promoting it as me, which creates a lot of interesting nervous system, which, of course, it would so.

 

00:47:17.000 --> 00:47:34.000

But I have some ideas that I'm rolling around that Megan, Chris and I will be in discussion about with the Youtube Channel, because, as we move more into different modalities of healing and ways of hearing, I am guess what girl you're going to be on that Youtube, channel

 

00:47:34.000 --> 00:47:44.000

Chris and Chris. We're gonna probably do some Youtube videos where we can talk more about all the beautiful things that we're doing at our center.

 

00:47:44.000 --> 00:47:45.000

Hmm, yeah.

 

00:47:45.000 --> 00:47:59.000

And just each of our expertise. So the world can really get a beautiful sense of Namaste, and just each of our expertise. So the world can really get a beautiful sense of Namaste and all that we offer. So I just want to say to those that have listened. And reached out.

 

00:47:59.000 --> 00:48:04.000

To me with so I just wanna say to those that have listened and reached out to me with so much loving and kindness and support of the podcast thank you.

 

00:48:04.000 --> 00:48:08.000

So so much for listening, and this your watching. Thank you so so much for your support.

 

00:48:08.000 --> 00:48:27.000

Of Namaste, and what we do here, and of just the neurotransmitter populations.

 

00:48:27.000 --> 00:48:28.000

Hmm!

 

00:48:28.000 --> 00:48:39.000

And please everyone. Go out there and first be tender with your sweet cells and your sweet parts, and then I'm just setting you so much, so much love and compassion at peace and joy and bliss, and I hope for everyone out there that we can spread more love and joy, and less hate so please be

 

00:48:39.000 --> 00:48:40.000

Hmm!

 

00:48:40.000 --> 00:48:46.000

fabulous, and I can't say until next time, because there won't be.

 

00:48:46.000 --> 00:48:47.000

Yeah.

 

00:48:47.000 --> 00:48:49.000

But you know what, until next something until the next something, because that's coming.

 

00:48:49.000 --> 00:48:50.000

Right.

 

00:48:50.000 --> 00:48:52.000

I just need some space. My brain needs some space now to create.

 

00:48:52.000 --> 00:48:59.000

So until the next something sending everyone so much love. You are love.

 

00:48:59.000 --> 00:49:06.000

Love is medicine. I love everyone out there. Thank you so much for being a support to fabulous Candice.

 

00:49:06.000 --> 00:49:13.000

Until something next. Bye!

 

00:49:13.000 --> 00:49:14.000

Oh, my gosh! I love you! I know I know!

 

00:49:14.000 --> 00:49:16.000

I love you. I love you so much.

Welcome back Renee Rosales, founder of Theara! We start the episode with a beautiful story honoring Renee’s maternal grandfather and the divine gifts we receive from past generations. Next, Candice and Renee address some current challenges within the neurodiversity movement (infighting, “meltdown”, etc.) and offer examples of what neuroinclusion can look like within loving relationships. They also take a deep dive into the concept of bridging (another one of Renee’s fabulous acronyms!), energy contagion, mindfulness, and more.

Connect with Renee

YouTube Video

Closed Captions

WEBVTT

 

00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:10.000

Hi everybody. Welcome to Fabuli Candice, season 3, episode 8.

 

00:00:10.000 --> 00:00:23.000

We have Renee Ralis back. To talk about All good things. All good things are distinct.

 

00:00:23.000 --> 00:00:27.000

I absolutely.

 

00:00:27.000 --> 00:00:28.000

Yes.

 

00:00:28.000 --> 00:00:34.000

So gosh, I talked to you. It was like what, 2, 3 weeks ago? Yeah, and we just hit it off and then I set you somebody because I thought Oh my gosh, this parent.

 

00:00:34.000 --> 00:00:36.000

And we've connected and it's wonderful. So yes, thank you.

 

00:00:36.000 --> 00:00:40.000

Oh good. Oh my gosh. Yeah, I was like, hey, what they did already. So let me just, let me just give an update.

 

00:00:40.000 --> 00:00:41.000

Yes.

 

00:00:41.000 --> 00:00:45.000

Just brag about you again for those that maybe didn't hear the first podcast with Renee go back and listen to it though.

 

00:00:45.000 --> 00:01:02.000

So as a mother, educator, advocate and transformational leader truly Renee Trulias. Renea sought out or set out, excuse me, to build a better way for the neuro-distinct.

 

00:01:02.000 --> 00:01:12.000

As an innovator, she is co-founder of 2 of the first virtual schools in Arizona.

 

00:01:12.000 --> 00:01:13.000

Yes, you are. You've got it perfectly.

 

00:01:13.000 --> 00:01:21.000

And founder of theiara. Am I saying that right? Okay, good. A business design to support the neuro-distinct from cradle to grace.

 

00:01:21.000 --> 00:01:35.000

As a visionary, Rene has always sought to make the intangible tangible. Creating connections and building bridges in relationships that positively transform all aspects of love.

 

00:01:35.000 --> 00:01:45.000

How cool is this? Rene is dedicated her life's work to helping the neuro-distinct establish belonging and connection every time I read your bio I'm emotional.

 

00:01:45.000 --> 00:02:00.000

Yep. I was emotional in creating this. I think, you know, the is just the culmination of everything I've learned and gathered as a neuro-distinct is just the culmination of everything I've learned and gathered as a neuro-distinct person as the mother of no distinct children married to somebody who's

 

00:02:00.000 --> 00:02:11.000

neuro-distinct and We really haven't talked about those issues for many, many years for generations in terms of how it.

 

00:02:11.000 --> 00:02:28.000

It expresses itself in our relationships with one another and it's so exciting that The neurodiversity movement is changing that because it's empowering so many people all around the world and I am so excited to be here with you today because that's exactly what we talk about, right?

 

00:02:28.000 --> 00:02:44.000

Right, yeah. And right before we recorded, I said to Titan, oh my gosh, we gotta record this because You and I were talking about our ancestors and where we come from and you know, just generational.

 

00:02:44.000 --> 00:02:53.000

I would say the gifts that we get from our from the generations that came before us. So do you do you mind sharing about your grandfather what you were saying?

 

00:02:53.000 --> 00:02:54.000

Hi.

 

00:02:54.000 --> 00:03:02.000

No, that's fine. So, years ago, actually the year I was born, my grandfather started a counseling center called Emerge.

 

00:03:02.000 --> 00:03:22.000

And you know, it was just a thing in our family. I had no idea that Emerge was an acronym because I was a little girl when it was all designed and When I after I started Thiara and everything I do at TR, it's an acronym based system that includes Each acronym has executive functioning

 

00:03:22.000 --> 00:03:40.000

and sensory processing strategies and activities included in the acronym and I had and I developed Emerge D which is a class about emerging as neuro diverse and empowering people to embrace the neurodiversity and better manage it.

 

00:03:40.000 --> 00:03:50.000

And in that process after the classes were all completed. I was going through old newspaper clippings that my family had saved.

 

00:03:50.000 --> 00:03:57.000

And found an article about my grandfather when he started Emerge. And it was an acronym.

 

00:03:57.000 --> 00:04:04.000

I had no idea and I lined up. My acronym for Emerge with his and they read as a sentence.

 

00:04:04.000 --> 00:04:05.000

Oh my gosh.

 

00:04:05.000 --> 00:04:12.000

So I mean, I sat there and I was overwhelmed. I started like tears were in my eyes because I'm like this is what I was literally born to do.

 

00:04:12.000 --> 00:04:31.000

This is what I think our family was intended to do. For all of time really and it's so interesting and powerful how all of those things happen and when people are trying to expand the good and when you carry that forward it really truly manifests and we have no idea what's gonna manifest.

 

00:04:31.000 --> 00:04:33.000

In generations to come. So. Yeah.

 

00:04:33.000 --> 00:04:52.000

Isn't that just so beautiful? I that's just so beautiful. I mean my partner Chris and I are all about it just honoring our ancestors and you know, just connecting with our wise and well ancestors and those that came before us and just really filling that love and nurturing and then like you said passing it down and

 

00:04:52.000 --> 00:04:57.000

here you weren't even aware of it.

 

00:04:57.000 --> 00:04:58.000

But just the alignment.

 

00:04:58.000 --> 00:05:00.000

Right. Yeah, I have no idea. My family members didn't even really know. I mean, they were called when I found the article.

 

00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:08.000

Clipping and they're like, oh yeah, I. We didn't even mention it to you.

 

00:05:08.000 --> 00:05:14.000

I was like, this is huge. So.

 

00:05:14.000 --> 00:05:15.000

Yes, but very exciting.

 

00:05:15.000 --> 00:05:23.000

It's huge to not be mentioned! So shout out to your grandfather. Is it your father's father's like your father father?

 

00:05:23.000 --> 00:05:24.000

Okay, so.

 

00:05:24.000 --> 00:05:37.000

It's actually my mother's my mother's father and my whole family. I mean that was why it was kind of so crazy to me that I didn't know because we all spent time investing and working in some capacity at the counseling center all while I was growing up.

 

00:05:37.000 --> 00:05:43.000

So.

 

00:05:43.000 --> 00:05:44.000

Yeah.

 

00:05:44.000 --> 00:05:48.000

Hmm. Yeah. So just an honoring of your maternal, your maternal grandfather, right? Really and how beautiful that you are doing this.

 

00:05:48.000 --> 00:05:49.000

Your yeah you're continuing it

 

00:05:49.000 --> 00:06:00.000

It's very exciting. I, you know, and it was so empowering to me because I think when we realize, I think I was I was listening to a podcast a while ago.

 

00:06:00.000 --> 00:06:26.000

And it was talking about I think it was something like over 470 generations that have come before us to get to us and now and we are called for a profound purpose and connecting with that I think is huge and understanding that all of that went into creating us and bringing us here and we were born for Now for this time.

 

00:06:26.000 --> 00:06:33.000

Yeah, what we're talking about is so huge. It's so huge. It's so beautiful.

 

00:06:33.000 --> 00:06:48.000

I really believe that that those of us that are here were called to be here on earth at this time and it's a challenging time.

 

00:06:48.000 --> 00:06:49.000

Yes.

 

00:06:49.000 --> 00:06:56.000

I especially in the neurodiversity movement. It is challenging time. There's a lot of infighting going on right now among Have you noticed that like II actually have been avoiding social media, doing kind of a social media detox, doing kind of a social media detox.

 

00:06:56.000 --> 00:07:00.000

I think we part of that for me is because I hyper focus on it. And I just get, I check too much.

 

00:07:00.000 --> 00:07:12.000

And then also it pains me. It pains me to see, you know, for those of us that are neuro-distinct, it's like we're navigating enough.

 

00:07:12.000 --> 00:07:16.000

To then have it just fighting inside the movement.

 

00:07:16.000 --> 00:07:25.000

Yes, and I completely relate. In fact, I was developing some content in the last few days. And I was tackling some of those issues.

 

00:07:25.000 --> 00:07:36.000

I think some of the biggest terms we talked about last time are removing some of the negative language that and it's not that the the language has empowered many of us.

 

00:07:36.000 --> 00:08:01.000

So like using words, the identity or the label of being disabled has equipped many to access the services that they've needed traditionally like in the education system and the work environment and we've needed that but when all of those words have a negative connotation attached to them I mean when we think about the word disabled, we're not

 

00:08:01.000 --> 00:08:14.000

thinking about the abilities the person has. And that's really at the heart of I think. What many are trying to do with the neuro-diversity movement is highlight the strengths and lead people strengths first.

 

00:08:14.000 --> 00:08:31.000

Rather than according to their lack, but we're not trying to throw out the labels. The labels are important to acquire the services and yeah I've I read through a lot of the posts and it and people going back and forth and that and it's It is difficult not to hyper focus on you know one

 

00:08:31.000 --> 00:08:41.000

person's understanding or grasp of it versus another. And so we just have to work to focus on the positive things and I think really highlight.

 

00:08:41.000 --> 00:08:49.000

What good we can bring out of even the disagreements like what are we really trying to get at? Where do we truly agree?

 

00:08:49.000 --> 00:09:00.000

And I think we truly agree that all narrow distinct people need to be empowered and we need to be advocating for neuro inclusion in every way we possibly can.

 

00:09:00.000 --> 00:09:17.000

Yeah, I agree. So let's talk about that too. I agree. 100% disability is not a dirty word and I took some heat from some folks in the autism community when I posted on LinkedIn and talked about let's ditch the Ds, but what I was talking about actually wasn't just

 

00:09:17.000 --> 00:09:34.000

disability. I was talking about putting autism in the diagnostic manual as a disorder. To where people think it's a mental illness.

 

00:09:34.000 --> 00:09:35.000

Right.

 

00:09:35.000 --> 00:09:39.000

And what happens when that late we get Basically that's attached to us. Our services we get are not accurate.

 

00:09:39.000 --> 00:09:40.000

Correct.

 

00:09:40.000 --> 00:09:41.000

And so then harm is done. And so, you know, I agree about the word disability in terms of getting the services that folks need.

 

00:09:41.000 --> 00:09:55.000

And I also believe that we've got to look at what are our strengths in the school system.

 

00:09:55.000 --> 00:10:05.000

In relationships in the work environment. And it's a difference. Our neurotype has differences, but it's not a deficiency.

 

00:10:05.000 --> 00:10:18.000

You know, if I'm comparing myself to my partner who has post-traumatic stress for instance that sometimes I do wonder if he has narrow difference but you know again There could be, I mean it really can look very similar.

 

00:10:18.000 --> 00:10:19.000

Right.

 

00:10:19.000 --> 00:10:28.000

So we have to really tease that out, but his brain is different from my brain. And so how can we look at it as a difference together? Our brains are different.

 

00:10:28.000 --> 00:10:42.000

It's not that I'm deficient to his brain or I'm not deficient. Compared to my husband my partner right

 

00:10:42.000 --> 00:10:54.000

Yes!

 

00:10:54.000 --> 00:10:55.000

Hmm.

 

00:10:55.000 --> 00:10:57.000

Right. And there's nothing necessarily wrong. I mean, with you and that was one of the big things that You know, my husband and I were in a counseling session actually last week and we were talking and our therapist had had his own breakthrough and was like you know at the core of my traumatic triggers when

 

00:10:57.000 --> 00:11:11.000

I'm triggered. At the core of it underneath all the layers is this idea that something is wrong with me.

 

00:11:11.000 --> 00:11:12.000

Yes.

 

00:11:12.000 --> 00:11:16.000

And we just sat and practiced really embracing the fact that nothing is wrong with you inherently that we were designed differently for a reason and it's supposed to help us Expand ourselves, integrate ourselves.

 

00:11:16.000 --> 00:11:18.000

Yeah.

 

00:11:18.000 --> 00:11:39.000

Become more whole and I think that's the constant work. How do we find the bridge? And that's a lot of the work that I do with ER is helping people bridge to one another regardless of their neuro differences, whether they're in a distinct or more neurotypical wherever they're at on the

 

00:11:39.000 --> 00:12:01.000

map. My husband like yours has experienced PTSD as well and it's difficult to ferret that out. And it's difficult to ferret that out. But the bridge can be the same.

 

00:12:01.000 --> 00:12:06.000

It doesn't necessarily need to be need to

 

00:12:06.000 --> 00:12:22.000

Okay, well we're definitely gonna talk about we're gonna kinda deep dive into bridge bridging right a bridging 2 people and bridging the gap if you will like, hey, what I want to also say because it's important with what you just said.

 

00:12:22.000 --> 00:12:34.000

So often I get emails and I don't know if you experienced this too from Search well intended partners of a neuro different person.

 

00:12:34.000 --> 00:12:42.000

And it's just microaggression, microaggression, micro pathologizing, offensive language, offensive language.

 

00:12:42.000 --> 00:12:53.000

And then when I sometimes I'll try and redirect, right? Blaming partner partners this there so this and that they're autistic and it's then it's just an email that's downhill from there.

 

00:12:53.000 --> 00:12:54.000

Yes.

 

00:12:54.000 --> 00:13:03.000

And I'll gently do my best to. Try and give up my point of view around that and then Sometimes what comes back is even more offensive.

 

00:13:03.000 --> 00:13:18.000

It's just like. Unintentionally, right? So I want those folks that are listening that really believe that your partner is deficient, The autism diagnosis.

 

00:13:18.000 --> 00:13:31.000

Is a problem. I really want you to listen please just with an open mind be curious about where we're going to talk about with Okay, you might have a different brain than your partner does, but you can bridge.

 

00:13:31.000 --> 00:13:35.000

There can be a bridge and we're gonna talk about what that looks like.

 

00:13:35.000 --> 00:13:51.000

Yeah. And to me, you know, I that's the big interpersonal acronym that I focus on at at the ARA and we talk about you know the B stands for Build for bounty.

 

00:13:51.000 --> 00:13:58.000

How are we going to move forward together? How can we put some put some bricks down in our relationship.

 

00:13:58.000 --> 00:14:08.000

How can we lay some foundational elements to help us move forward positively, regardless of our difference. Relate with recognition.

 

00:14:08.000 --> 00:14:17.000

We have to understand that we bring different things to the table and I think many of us kind of look in our love relationships.

 

00:14:17.000 --> 00:14:29.000

To you know there's the whole Jerry Maguire saving they he completes me you know that whole concept and we and we think the other person is going to do that but we come in with our own with our own understanding of, you know, our upbringing.

 

00:14:29.000 --> 00:14:43.000

What a marriage might look like, what a relationship supposed to be and Those things sometimes just need to fall away so that we can establish new things together to move forward.

 

00:14:43.000 --> 00:14:55.000

And the I is integrate for impact. How can we utilize your strengths and my strengths to positively benefit our relationship?

 

00:14:55.000 --> 00:15:04.000

And that's the G is gather for gain and that just moves us forward into, you know, how can we pick up little habits?

 

00:15:04.000 --> 00:15:34.000

Maybe it's a micro habit maybe it's a strategy maybe it's like last time we talked about you know putting something physical on a wall so that you can like see this is what we're doing for each other and it sounds so simple and I've had so many people kind of laugh at me about that when I talk like what are you

 

00:15:36.000 --> 00:15:39.000

Yes.

 

00:15:39.000 --> 00:15:40.000

Yes.

 

00:15:40.000 --> 00:15:41.000

saying I need a behavior chart with my spouse. No, I'm not saying that. I'm saying it's important for us to have that check in and kind of say, okay, this is it's a way to validate what you're doing and also what the other individual is doing and also what the other individual is

 

00:15:41.000 --> 00:15:43.000

doing and also what the other individual is doing and when you see your partner validate you. Through something very visual because we're all different types of learners, right?

 

00:15:43.000 --> 00:16:00.000

Some of us can take a statement or a word from of kindness, a compliment and and it really sits with us.

 

00:16:00.000 --> 00:16:01.000

Yeah.

 

00:16:01.000 --> 00:16:11.000

But for someone else, they need to see it or there needs to be some kind of physical, you know, act showing it a display of tenderness or emotion and then the the is educate to empower so that's all about how we can educate each other to move forward.

 

00:16:11.000 --> 00:16:19.000

And that's exactly what we're doing now with listening to a podcast, you know, following different people on social media to try to gather more information.

 

00:16:19.000 --> 00:16:30.000

About who you are and then who your partner is so that you can more productively move forward.

 

00:16:30.000 --> 00:16:31.000

Thank you.

 

00:16:31.000 --> 00:16:36.000

So I just love your acronyms. Seriously, I love your acronyms. They are brilliant.

 

00:16:36.000 --> 00:16:45.000

And I want to talk about, I mean, really. Like, you know, it's like you're getting your foundation down with building for bounty, then relate with recognition.

 

00:16:45.000 --> 00:16:53.000

What I got is sometimes we have to change the way that we look at things. So that we can see the other person's perspective.

 

00:16:53.000 --> 00:16:54.000

Yes.

 

00:16:54.000 --> 00:17:01.000

How can I, how can I, you know, relate to what you're saying or find connection or even have empathy or compassion.

 

00:17:01.000 --> 00:17:09.000

For your experience instead of getting so locked in to my viewpoint. And that's not just me as an autistic person, Chris can get locked in his viewpoint too sometimes.

 

00:17:09.000 --> 00:17:14.000

Exactly. We all do. I mean, we're looking at the world through our own lens, right?

 

00:17:14.000 --> 00:17:15.000

Yeah!

 

00:17:15.000 --> 00:17:23.000

It's almost like we're all creating our own little movie for ourselves and what we and so it's stepping outside and trying to look through somebody else's lens.

 

00:17:23.000 --> 00:17:29.000

And that's really hard. So for me, the acronyms were a mental. They give me a mental script to follow.

 

00:17:29.000 --> 00:17:30.000

Yes.

 

00:17:30.000 --> 00:17:35.000

That's pretty broad and that way like when I'm in a difficult encounter, okay, I need the bridge.

 

00:17:35.000 --> 00:17:40.000

Maybe I'm not recognizing the other person's differences. Maybe I'm not truly seeing them.

 

00:17:40.000 --> 00:17:41.000

Mmm.

 

00:17:41.000 --> 00:17:48.000

You know and that's it's just that mental check to go back and grab hold of my thoughts so I don't go down the rabbit hole of this person.

 

00:17:48.000 --> 00:17:50.000

Yeah.

 

00:17:50.000 --> 00:17:54.000

I can't believe how awful they are. I can't believe they just said that to me.

 

00:17:54.000 --> 00:17:55.000

Yeah.

 

00:17:55.000 --> 00:18:03.000

You know, like, and that's not, that's not accepting any kind of abuse, but recognizing that most of the time when we are involved in any kind of abusive behavior, there's no intention associated with it.

 

00:18:03.000 --> 00:18:15.000

It doesn't mean it's not impactful in a negative way to the other person, but we have to stop, you know, the way we're thinking.

 

00:18:15.000 --> 00:18:21.000

So giving ourselves those scripts to move forward, I think is really powerful. It has been for me.

 

00:18:21.000 --> 00:18:22.000

It's changed my relationships profoundly.

 

00:18:22.000 --> 00:18:27.000

Well, the scripts. Oh, well, 100%. I mean, since our first call, you know, it's like.

 

00:18:27.000 --> 00:18:33.000

For Chris and I just noticing and let's I'm gonna jump down here to gather for gain.

 

00:18:33.000 --> 00:18:50.000

Rooting each other on, you know, you talked about how you put this little whiteboard in your bathroom so you and your partner could note the good that's happening because it's easy to forget when we get in our day to day and it's like, oh, he for, you know, he didn't take the trash

 

00:18:50.000 --> 00:18:51.000

Right.

 

00:18:51.000 --> 00:18:58.000

out, right? Or, you know, and you just like check on the negative. It's so easy to focus on the negative sadly.

 

00:18:58.000 --> 00:19:14.000

And so how beautiful. So we don't have our whiteboard, but I'll tell you what, since our last podcast I shared with Chris, you know, about you and how Misi are and said, I want us to start doing this at the end of the day where we just do a review.

 

00:19:14.000 --> 00:19:21.000

And then what I've noticed is we're starting to do it throughout the day. Just like, you rock, way to go, good job, you know, just focusing on those positives.

 

00:19:21.000 --> 00:19:24.000

Right.

 

00:19:24.000 --> 00:19:30.000

So that we build up that emotional like bank account, the positive nugget bucket if you will.

 

00:19:30.000 --> 00:19:39.000

Yes, yes, and that's what we so badly need to do and you know I've been doing it for a while and it was interesting because the other day.

 

00:19:39.000 --> 00:19:46.000

I looked at the board, it's higher than, you know, and I had no idea like because I had not.

 

00:19:46.000 --> 00:19:47.000

Yeah.

 

00:19:47.000 --> 00:19:53.000

I had not redone the board in a while and my husband had literally filled all these hearts in like all he was putting in in places.

 

00:19:53.000 --> 00:19:54.000

That's adorable.

 

00:19:54.000 --> 00:19:58.000

That I couldn't and I didn't even recognize he was seeing me like that. Like he was recognizing and so it was like.

 

00:19:58.000 --> 00:20:04.000

Oh

 

00:20:04.000 --> 00:20:05.000

Yes!

 

00:20:05.000 --> 00:20:12.000

Oh, so like it made it so much easier when we do have like a negative shuffle in the morning getting kids out of the house or whatever it is where I was like He's seeing me.

 

00:20:12.000 --> 00:20:13.000

Yes.

 

00:20:13.000 --> 00:20:20.000

So, and then it makes me desire to go back and give more more positive input to him but not only that.

 

00:20:20.000 --> 00:20:23.000

He noticed that I wasn't doing it. He's and it made him check in with me more.

 

00:20:23.000 --> 00:20:29.000

Wow.

 

00:20:29.000 --> 00:20:35.000

Yes.

 

00:20:35.000 --> 00:20:36.000

Yep.

 

00:20:36.000 --> 00:20:39.000

And I think, you know, I heard it's so funny because I heard Renee Brown on a message and she was talking about calibrating your energy level and doing that check-in with your partner and saying, okay, I'm coming home right now.

 

00:20:39.000 --> 00:20:50.000

I'm at a 10%. I don't have a lot of extra to give and it reminded me of my little boy because we were at Disney and he was like.

 

00:20:50.000 --> 00:20:59.000

A mom, he was like, I met, he was telling us we were with friends and we were not.

 

00:20:59.000 --> 00:21:00.000

Yeah.

 

00:21:00.000 --> 00:21:02.000

It was a bad maybe parenting moment, but he was at like a like he kept telling us I'm at 30%.

 

00:21:02.000 --> 00:21:16.000

I'm at 20% and he was only like 5 or 6 you know and he he got down to 0 he's like 0 and you just laid down on on the pavement and are the friend that was with us picked him up.

 

00:21:16.000 --> 00:21:23.000

And carried him back to the hotel with us because he's like he was telling us the whole time and we were just all caught up.

 

00:21:23.000 --> 00:21:42.000

You know, and I think, you know, all of those things that we can do, even if it's just a little thing to say, hey, you know, I'm I've had a rough day because sometimes we just come home and we're reactive and we take that out on the people we love the

 

00:21:42.000 --> 00:21:43.000

Yes.

 

00:21:43.000 --> 00:21:46.000

most. And we are not letting them know it's not really about you. You know, it and they're receiving it as it's about them.

 

00:21:46.000 --> 00:21:47.000

Yes!

 

00:21:47.000 --> 00:21:52.000

You know, they're taking you in as though they've done something wrong, especially for me.

 

00:21:52.000 --> 00:22:02.000

I tend to do that a lot with my family members. And so having that, we started doing it before I even heard it from Renee Brown because of my neuro-diverchant little one.

 

00:22:02.000 --> 00:22:03.000

He was already calibrating. Yeah, which was pretty amazing.

 

00:22:03.000 --> 00:22:15.000

Yes, which is so beautiful. Well, I let's talk about that too because meltdowns the term meltdowns right now is controversial within the neurodiversity movement.

 

00:22:15.000 --> 00:22:27.000

But I wanna say is that work that term works for me and I really feel like each autistic person.

 

00:22:27.000 --> 00:22:28.000

Yes.

 

00:22:28.000 --> 00:22:34.000

We really get to use the language that works for each of us. Last night, same thing happened. I'm driving home and I'm at 30%.

 

00:22:34.000 --> 00:22:41.000

And we just got a little bit of a bigger camper. And so I had, you know, I wasn't feeling well in the morning.

 

00:22:41.000 --> 00:22:50.000

I saw a few clients. I got home and we still had to put all this stuff from our other camper into the new camper and it's like 80'clock at night.

 

00:22:50.000 --> 00:22:54.000

And I got home and I just said I'm peopled out. You know, I am peopleed out.

 

00:22:54.000 --> 00:22:56.000

Yeah.

 

00:22:56.000 --> 00:23:06.000

I and then finally like after dinner we started talking and I realized like -oh. Like I'm on the, I'm at 0% now.

 

00:23:06.000 --> 00:23:07.000

Right.

 

00:23:07.000 --> 00:23:10.000

I'm on the verge to, you know, have a meltdown and so. I said I'm gonna actually go lay down so kind of like your son.

 

00:23:10.000 --> 00:23:11.000

Yeah.

 

00:23:11.000 --> 00:23:19.000

I didn't just lay down in the backyard, but I went into our bedroom and what I what Chris does that's really beautiful.

 

00:23:19.000 --> 00:23:32.000

Is he just gets real neutral like his energy gets real neutral because he said you know I know I don't wanna be in the line of fire and I know if I say anything.

 

00:23:32.000 --> 00:23:38.000

You know, if I say anything that there could be kind of this and he's right, that is my personal experience.

 

00:23:38.000 --> 00:23:49.000

Like you said, we love our family members and sometimes without intending to there can be a huge impact when we do get upset and our batteries at 0.

 

00:23:49.000 --> 00:23:57.000

So that was just beautiful for us. To be able to let me recalibrate and just build up enough energy to go.

 

00:23:57.000 --> 00:24:06.000

You know, get into the camper and do what we needed to do with moving stuff. But I wanna say that it does take 2 people and we've had a good week.

 

00:24:06.000 --> 00:24:09.000

Yes.

 

00:24:09.000 --> 00:24:20.000

If we had a bad weekend struggled every single day, last night he probably also would have been like.

 

00:24:20.000 --> 00:24:21.000

Yes, yes.

 

00:24:21.000 --> 00:24:26.000

Right. Right. Because everybody gets to that point. It's everyone gets to their end space.

 

00:24:26.000 --> 00:24:27.000

Yes.

 

00:24:27.000 --> 00:24:42.000

It's not just The neuro-distage person that we may and that's something that you know I was reading an article from Forbes and it was on the sharp end of neural inclusion and it was talking about how when someone gets into a dysregulated state it even used the term meltdowns

 

00:24:42.000 --> 00:24:53.000

I believe and it was talking about when that happens in the workplace. That people don't understand and they negatively meet that other person.

 

00:24:53.000 --> 00:24:54.000

Yes.

 

00:24:54.000 --> 00:25:01.000

In that dysregulated state. And so understanding and to me, I don't think of it's interesting.

 

00:25:01.000 --> 00:25:14.000

I don't think of like executive functioning or sensory. Processing differences between the narrow distinct and more neurotypical people as necessarily a negative thing.

 

00:25:14.000 --> 00:25:22.000

We just have a much more dynamic approach to those concepts. So there may be an area where we're really great at at executive functioning skills, but our disparity between those areas is more significant.

 

00:25:22.000 --> 00:25:43.000

So we are more likely to have more more frequent issues with dysregulation. It just happens, you know, and it's part of who we are and when our partners understand that if you're in a mixed you know, neuro divergent relationship.

 

00:25:43.000 --> 00:25:51.000

Yeah.

 

00:25:51.000 --> 00:25:52.000

Yes.

 

00:25:52.000 --> 00:25:57.000

It's a huge It's a huge block brick to lay in the foundation of your relationship because then they know it's not about them.

 

00:25:57.000 --> 00:26:07.000

Crazy. There's not something wrong with you. This is how you're wired and you need more time or maybe you need more frequent pauses in your interaction or engagement and that's totally okay.

 

00:26:07.000 --> 00:26:19.000

It doesn't mean that there's there's something that the other person isn't doing right or you're it's owning that embracing that about yourself.

 

00:26:19.000 --> 00:26:26.000

And then saying, okay, what do I need to nest myself in this moment? So that I don't negatively impact my relationship.

 

00:26:26.000 --> 00:26:32.000

Yeah. Oh my gosh, you said so many things. So. Holy cow, where do I go?

 

00:26:32.000 --> 00:26:38.000

So let me just throw out there. Well, for those listening, especially partners that are not autistic.

 

00:26:38.000 --> 00:26:49.000

What I want you to hear is we're not saying A meltdown is a license to be excused to be like it started like excusable in terms of oh it's a license to be mean.

 

00:26:49.000 --> 00:26:50.000

Right, exactly. It is absolutely not that.

 

00:26:50.000 --> 00:27:00.000

We're not saying that. Yeah, we're not saying that. What we are saying is it's an explanation of what's going on with our system.

 

00:27:00.000 --> 00:27:20.000

When we get on overload and some partners might shut down where they withdraw without saying anything and some might be more outward where it looks like like my compute my internal my brain computer my systems computer is just going, but it's literally melting down.

 

00:27:20.000 --> 00:27:21.000

Right.

 

00:27:21.000 --> 00:27:28.000

And so I wanna say that too. I also wanna say that can come from And I don't know if this is your experience.

 

00:27:28.000 --> 00:27:39.000

Maybe maybe we've talked about this before, but not just we're just sensitive to the environment around us site sounds.

 

00:27:39.000 --> 00:27:40.000

Yes.

 

00:27:40.000 --> 00:27:50.000

Smells too many people. But also energy. We are picking up energy. So as a clinician, what I'm noticing Who, especially as I continue to kind of do my own healing work on my own.

 

00:27:50.000 --> 00:28:00.000

Is that I am becoming really sensitive to energy. Now I've always been sensitive to energy. But now as I'm getting more attuned to how sensitive it's like.

 

00:28:00.000 --> 00:28:02.000

That can wipe me out.

 

00:28:02.000 --> 00:28:10.000

Right, a hundred percent relate to you in that. And you know, the concept of energy contagion is very, very real.

 

00:28:10.000 --> 00:28:30.000

And so for somebody who is hyper aware, like you know you and I are then backing up and figuring out I'm always thinking, okay.

 

00:28:30.000 --> 00:28:31.000

Hmm.

 

00:28:31.000 --> 00:28:40.000

What do I need to do to nest myself in this in right now? Like how can I do that if I can't go to a room that I feel is sensory safe if the energy contagion is Too much, can I distance myself from, you know, people physically?

 

00:28:40.000 --> 00:28:41.000

Yes. Yes, oh my gosh, me too.

 

00:28:41.000 --> 00:28:49.000

Can I have a fidget ring that I'm like, you know, I love conquering rings because I can just sit there and and fidget while while I'm talking to somebody and it's really, you know, discrete and not that it needs to be.

 

00:28:49.000 --> 00:28:56.000

No, no.

 

00:28:56.000 --> 00:28:57.000

Yeah.

 

00:28:57.000 --> 00:28:58.000

I'm not saying that we need to hide that. But for me, that's that works, you know, because I don't wanna take away necessarily from a conversation or social engagement.

 

00:28:58.000 --> 00:29:07.000

But what can I do? Can I move to a room that's even more physically like?

 

00:29:07.000 --> 00:29:18.000

Visually appealing to me like if we're in a larger space. There's different things and you need to figure out what works for you.

 

00:29:18.000 --> 00:29:19.000

Yes.

 

00:29:19.000 --> 00:29:25.000

But I always reach for that sensory bucket to get that those needs met because you the energy contagion can be really toxic for individuals that do have those sensitivities.

 

00:29:25.000 --> 00:29:27.000

Oh my gosh. Let's talk about, let's just define that energy contagion for folks that are listening.

 

00:29:27.000 --> 00:29:34.000

That perhaps have never heard that because that's a that's an important term.

 

00:29:34.000 --> 00:29:47.000

Yeah, for me energy contagion is just when someone comes in with that's bringing any maybe it's Someone is very angry and they're bringing that into the room.

 

00:29:47.000 --> 00:30:02.000

Maybe it's pure exhaustion. For someone like me, I literally, it's like my satellite dishes huge, so I'm absorbing all of that like a sponge.

 

00:30:02.000 --> 00:30:07.000

And I have learned to let it move through me, but that's a practice and a discipline. It's not something that happens overnight.

 

00:30:07.000 --> 00:30:08.000

It is. No.

 

00:30:08.000 --> 00:30:22.000

So that can initially for someone that's not more aware be a real trigger and cause real strong really strong reactions from the other individual.

 

00:30:22.000 --> 00:30:46.000

And so recognizing, okay, this is about what I'm experiencing and in the energy, maybe that person has Little control over the energy that they're bringing into the room because they're at 0 because they just got them bombarded with a bunch of negative things.

 

00:30:46.000 --> 00:30:47.000

Oh. Yes. Yes.

 

00:30:47.000 --> 00:30:59.000

And so what do I need to do to control myself? How can I get in my body and that's where that real the sensory input I think Our sensory satiating activity is it may be removing yourself from some things is huge like you know my son had to get, I don't know if they're

 

00:30:59.000 --> 00:31:06.000

Yeah!

 

00:31:06.000 --> 00:31:07.000

Yeah.

 

00:31:07.000 --> 00:31:09.000

called. They're not ear rings. They're ear loops. Because when he's at when we're at the dinner table, he just has a hard time hearing other people eat, you know, and so then he can control the sound.

 

00:31:09.000 --> 00:31:26.000

So bringing that into larger groups settings, I think. And those kind of safety nets for particularly people struggling with autism and other associated neuro-divergent issues is really powerful tool to move you forward.

 

00:31:26.000 --> 00:31:36.000

Oh my gosh, yeah, so we're gonna stay on energy contagion for a minute because some things that I'll do is and Chris just because he's.

 

00:31:36.000 --> 00:31:45.000

We're in we just honor the indigenous so we do polo santo or sage so I will pause on to my office stage my office.

 

00:31:45.000 --> 00:31:53.000

Clearing the energy. I have a rattle in my office sometimes just to move the energy.

 

00:31:53.000 --> 00:31:54.000

Yes.

 

00:31:54.000 --> 00:32:04.000

Going outside like brushing it off. I do that, right? I wash, I'll just go into the bathroom and I will put cold water, you know, just let it run on my hands until I could feel kind of washing drumming.

 

00:32:04.000 --> 00:32:10.000

Like there's so many things we can do. Like you said, it's definitely a practice.

 

00:32:10.000 --> 00:32:16.000

Those of us that are working with people all day long. I know I used to not do it and I would just be exhausted.

 

00:32:16.000 --> 00:32:26.000

I thought I had mono, you know, it was like.

 

00:32:26.000 --> 00:32:27.000

Yes.

 

00:32:27.000 --> 00:32:37.000

Yes, no, that's what it feels like. It can come over like you like a huge wave and for me, I carry a rock around a little smooth stone in my purse and I will go to the bathroom and wash my hands and let the water run over and imagine that energy being going into the stone, letting the water move it

 

00:32:37.000 --> 00:32:43.000

Yep.

 

00:32:43.000 --> 00:32:49.000

Yeah.

 

00:32:49.000 --> 00:32:50.000

Yeah. Oh yeah.

 

00:32:50.000 --> 00:32:55.000

away. And so whatever if it's a visualization practice sometimes I imagine you know myself. Standing in a globe with things swirling all around me and stepping back outside of it until I can see this is something that's not me.

 

00:32:55.000 --> 00:33:01.000

This is not something I have control or power to change in any kind of way. I need to let that float away from me.

 

00:33:01.000 --> 00:33:07.000

Love it. Yes, I love it. I did a meditation this morning. I could feel some heaviness.

 

00:33:07.000 --> 00:33:18.000

So I just kind of use my breath as well. I just thought blowing like out just letting it just dissipate and this might sound woo-woo but what I want to say to folks is in indigenous populations.

 

00:33:18.000 --> 00:33:32.000

This is this is the norm you know and so so what I love also about the neuro-distinct community is we are we do think outside the box and we're very open minded.

 

00:33:32.000 --> 00:33:33.000

Alright.

 

00:33:33.000 --> 00:33:42.000

I'm not saying that indigenous traditions are outside the box by any means. Oftentimes though again, anything that is considered different from the norm as we've learned, right?

 

00:33:42.000 --> 00:33:56.000

Even culturally is considered, oh it's woo woo, but in reality For those of us that are helping, whether we are in an education position or teaching, we're coaching, we're counseling, we're healing.

 

00:33:56.000 --> 00:34:11.000

We have to use the tools that you and I are talking about and it can be, I mean for some people it's just gardening or you know getting outside going on a hike being putting your feet into the grass right

 

00:34:11.000 --> 00:34:14.000

It is. It is.

 

00:34:14.000 --> 00:34:15.000

Yes, yes.

 

00:34:15.000 --> 00:34:18.000

Right. Yes, grounding us. I mean, it's really mindfulness to take, I mean, I know we talk that's the more maybe palatable term for some people, but I agree.

 

00:34:18.000 --> 00:34:30.000

I mean, these are absolutely imperative things to employ in your life because there we and it's really about getting back into our bodies because our bodies do I mean I love the book body the body cape score and they do keep score.

 

00:34:30.000 --> 00:34:43.000

Keeps the score, yeah.

 

00:34:43.000 --> 00:34:44.000

Oh my gosh.

 

00:34:44.000 --> 00:34:49.000

I've worked with so many people who have struggled with chronic illness and many of the roots of it go back and to trauma, microaggressions, all of it being in a trauma bond being, you know, having been in a betrayal situation.

 

00:34:49.000 --> 00:34:50.000

Yeah.

 

00:34:50.000 --> 00:34:57.000

So there's All of those things, these are important tools that we have to basically focus our mind in a positive way.

 

00:34:57.000 --> 00:34:58.000

That's You have to think about the positive, cause Colin thinking constantly about the negative and that's a battle.

 

00:34:58.000 --> 00:35:13.000

It's not going to feed you. It's not going to nourish your soul. And our society is kind of throwing negative things at us all the time.

 

00:35:13.000 --> 00:35:15.000

So.

 

00:35:15.000 --> 00:35:16.000

Yes.

 

00:35:16.000 --> 00:35:28.000

All day long. I mean social media. It's all day long and it's Very, it's very, it's very, negative and so getting back to this energy contagion I've got to take a drink.

 

00:35:28.000 --> 00:35:35.000

Talking so much. For those listening. In relationship.

 

00:35:35.000 --> 00:35:43.000

Whether you're in relationship with partner children, co workers, colleagues, be aware of the energy contagion.

 

00:35:43.000 --> 00:35:55.000

Be aware that you might Wake up and you're not feeling great. Well, other people can feel that and that might kind of you know, set the tone, be aware that you might be picking up other people's energy.

 

00:35:55.000 --> 00:36:10.000

Negative emotion. You know a motion is energy and motion that's not yours and what we're talking about is how can you really self care so that relationally It's not creating.

 

00:36:10.000 --> 00:36:19.000

More issues. There's enough issues. My gosh.

 

00:36:19.000 --> 00:36:20.000

Yes.

 

00:36:20.000 --> 00:36:35.000

Hi. Yes, and setting positive boundaries for yourself, I think is very much a part of the conversation, particularly like in our relationships and love relationships because you're usually integrating families, you're going to be, you know, there are going to be the occasions where you're at a big family gathering and that energy can come from someone

 

00:36:35.000 --> 00:36:44.000

the other individual really, really loves and wants you to be around and be a part of. So I think, I mean, that's been helpful in my relationship with my husband.

 

00:36:44.000 --> 00:36:56.000

Is saying like, look, I have a hard time with this person because of the energy contagion situation that person's maybe chronically there you know negative and it's difficult for me.

 

00:36:56.000 --> 00:36:58.000

Negative.

 

00:36:58.000 --> 00:37:15.000

And so we have kind of this on this understood thing that if I'm in the corner because some those people will corner you or put you know that we watch each other in those gatherings and kind of go and in and do a little swoop and say, hey, come over here.

 

00:37:15.000 --> 00:37:16.000

I love that.

 

00:37:16.000 --> 00:37:21.000

You know, and so being aware of those things are really huge and being sensitive to one another in that space.

 

00:37:21.000 --> 00:37:24.000

I think is. Really powerful.

 

00:37:24.000 --> 00:37:32.000

Hi, I do too. Well, this has been amazing.

 

00:37:32.000 --> 00:37:33.000

Really?

 

00:37:33.000 --> 00:37:37.000

I love talking to you again this weekend. I think talk for hours and hours, but we can't keep everybody on the podcast that long.

 

00:37:37.000 --> 00:37:45.000

But I love how we were able to really Deep dive into bridge your acronym for couples.

 

00:37:45.000 --> 00:38:01.000

And then also I love that you were able to talk at length about energy contagion. Because again we have a lot of couples that listen to our podcast that there's so much frustration so it's like Renee, you're a huge resource.

 

00:38:01.000 --> 00:38:09.000

You know, for both people in this couple ship to feel empowered to go. Instead of pointing the finger, you know, can I do a U-turn?

 

00:38:09.000 --> 00:38:12.000

How can we work together so that we're happier.

 

00:38:12.000 --> 00:38:20.000

Yes. Yes. I mean, that's what I think so many people and a lot of times we don't give people the tools.

 

00:38:20.000 --> 00:38:26.000

My my goal with the ARA was really because I come in as a cognitive coach. You know, not officially as a therapist.

 

00:38:26.000 --> 00:38:28.000

Yeah, yeah.

 

00:38:28.000 --> 00:38:40.000

And so I'm coaching people on how to find those bridges, giving people some tools and strategies that they can utilize day one, even if it's just one tool that they take away from it.

 

00:38:40.000 --> 00:38:48.000

And I'm sharing those out as much as I can on social media because we those things aren't necessarily, I mean, they're not provided to us.

 

00:38:48.000 --> 00:38:49.000

Yeah.

 

00:38:49.000 --> 00:39:07.000

We have to learn those things. And I've learned many of them through really, really difficult, challenging times in my own relationships.

 

00:39:07.000 --> 00:39:08.000

Yes.

 

00:39:08.000 --> 00:39:24.000

And so how do we move forward and not let the relationship be destroy us. I mean, sometimes relationships can if we're unaware and we take ourselves away even if the relationship ends and you're gonna bring yourself into something new.

 

00:39:24.000 --> 00:39:25.000

Oh yeah, it's a life best.

 

00:39:25.000 --> 00:39:30.000

And so in that case, having those strategies is I think essential to us. Feeling good, being okay, being well.

 

00:39:30.000 --> 00:39:31.000

Yes. Yes.

 

00:39:31.000 --> 00:39:35.000

Yeah, it's a life best. For so many of us, literally a life best.

 

00:39:35.000 --> 00:39:38.000

Hi, that's what I'm trying to do. Throw in the life preserver.

 

00:39:38.000 --> 00:39:39.000

Yes, in the storm.

 

00:39:39.000 --> 00:39:47.000

You're doing it! Doing. You're doing it. So Renee, tell the world how people can reach you.

 

00:39:47.000 --> 00:39:55.000

So the best way to reach me is, via theiara.com or you can email me at theiara.

 

00:39:55.000 --> 00:40:01.000

Dot com, which is TH EARA. And I'm on social media as CRA.

 

00:40:01.000 --> 00:40:02.000

Yes.

 

00:40:02.000 --> 00:40:09.000

And I'm on social media as CR away because I'm our tagline is lighting the way.

 

00:40:09.000 --> 00:40:10.000

Yes, this was wonderful. Thank you so much for having me and I hope you have an incredible summer.

 

00:40:10.000 --> 00:40:15.000

Which is so beautiful. Thank you so much for coming on again. This was so Right?

 

00:40:15.000 --> 00:40:22.000

Everyone out there that's listening. Yeah, we're right in the middle of it. And so we get to keep enjoying the warmer weather.

 

00:40:22.000 --> 00:40:28.000

Some of us live in places where it's warm all the time but I don't and I had a really hard winter so I'm excited about this summer.

 

00:40:28.000 --> 00:40:29.000

Where do you live? Where do you live?

 

00:40:29.000 --> 00:40:36.000

We are in flag staff and we got one of I think it was the second snowiest winter. On record in the city.

 

00:40:36.000 --> 00:40:41.000

So it was just like a foot and a half every week. So I'm so happy to be outside.

 

00:40:41.000 --> 00:40:50.000

Yeah. Oh my gosh, me too. So we're in Utah and in the valley and we got more snow for like 9 months.

 

00:40:50.000 --> 00:40:51.000

. With

 

00:40:51.000 --> 00:41:04.000

I mean it was the longest. Winter for all of us. So I'm with you. I am just soaking up the sun.

 

00:41:04.000 --> 00:41:05.000

I hear you. I know. I feel the same. It's the same up here.

 

00:41:05.000 --> 00:41:08.000

It feels here. It feels like it's getting shorter like the warmer weather which makes me feel nervous because I just as I get

 

00:41:08.000 --> 00:41:16.000

We haven't broken 90 and we usually do by now. So yeah.

 

00:41:16.000 --> 00:41:17.000

Yeah.

 

00:41:17.000 --> 00:41:28.000

Yeah, well yeah, cause you're in Arizona. So that's wild. So yes, wishing you a beautiful summer and everyone out there and what's funny as you were saying that I was thinking gosh.

 

00:41:28.000 --> 00:41:29.000

That would be interesting, right? Yeah.

 

00:41:29.000 --> 00:41:38.000

Well, our podcast be out there in the ether is like 30 years from now and people will listen and you know what I mean and it's like only we're talking about summer anyway I just think it's so fascinating just well we one day we'll be the ancestors for someone Who's lighting the way?

 

00:41:38.000 --> 00:41:52.000

Yes, yes, and that's the most powerful thing. That's what drives me forward every day knowing that My life can have multi generational impact and doing everything I can.

 

00:41:52.000 --> 00:41:55.000

To make that as positive as it can possibly be.

 

00:41:55.000 --> 00:42:12.000

Beautiful way to end it. Thank you so much. I'm right there with you. All right, listeners, thank you so much for coming on watching us today since we've been recording and just wishing everyone so much love.

 

00:42:12.000 --> 00:42:18.000

So much compassion just asking all of us to be tender with our sweet selves as we go out into the world.

 

00:42:18.000 --> 00:42:19.000

Yes.

 

00:42:19.000 --> 00:42:26.000

It's It's not easy. So let's start by being tender with ourselves and love each other and love ourselves more.

 

00:42:26.000 --> 00:42:29.000

And until next time, bye!

Nel and Bex are back to update us on life since their international move to Montana! While there have been a fair number of logistical and familial struggles, they describe how the relationship has actually strengthened throughout the big transition. Candice guides us through what feels like a live therapy session in which they cover blended families, cohabiting with teenagers, sex, clashing neurodifferences, and the beauty in simply getting curious about the different parts of ourselves.

Bex LinkedIn

Bex IG: @bexcanner

YouTube Video

Closed Captions

WEBVTT

 

00:00:34.000 --> 00:00:44.000

Hi everybody, welcome to season 3, episode 7 of Fabulously Candice.

 

00:00:44.000 --> 00:00:50.000

We are slowly coming to the end. Of the fabulously Canada's podcast. Wild. And I'm in a different room today.

 

00:00:50.000 --> 00:01:12.000

I we've had a transformer blowout where I live and at our office and so I improvise so it's kind of a beautiful space and the lights coming in and The perfect time to have Nell and Beck's back on the podcast.

 

00:01:12.000 --> 00:01:17.000

How long has it been by the way? Has it been? Feels like it's been a year about.

 

00:01:17.000 --> 00:01:18.000

Maybe not.

 

00:01:18.000 --> 00:01:21.000

It's been more than a year because I remember we were in our bedroom in Wellington and we have actually left what New Zealand just about.

 

00:01:21.000 --> 00:01:31.000

Wow. Yes. Okay. Okay, so let me just give everybody an update and that we're gonna dive in, but yeah, I remember when we did that we loved it so much we said let's just do it again.

 

00:01:31.000 --> 00:01:38.000

We loved it so much. We said, let's just do it again. So I'm so happy we're doing it again.

 

00:01:38.000 --> 00:01:44.000

It's perfect. When we last met Nell and Beck, they were living in New Zealand, Bex was a doctor and Nell was a communications professional.

 

00:01:44.000 --> 00:01:57.000

Last year in July, 2,022 the couple moved to the US to be near Texas teenager whom they hadn't seen for 2 and a half years due to the COVID pandemic.

 

00:01:57.000 --> 00:02:10.000

Bex pronouns, they them now works for a nonprofit agency supporting people seeking affordable housing while now they them is a bus driver.

 

00:02:10.000 --> 00:02:11.000

Yeah.

 

00:02:11.000 --> 00:02:27.000

I'm so curious about that job by the way. Backs and now have been together for 5 and a half years and married for 4 about 3 years ago Bex found out they were autistic and since that time now and backs have been on a journey of discovery learning how their different neurotypes interact and affect their communication intimacy

 

00:02:27.000 --> 00:02:33.000

with each other. Welcome back.

 

00:02:33.000 --> 00:02:37.000

Going you 2.

 

00:02:37.000 --> 00:02:38.000

Oh.

 

00:02:38.000 --> 00:02:43.000

It's such a good job with that bio. Okay, yeah, sorry. What?

 

00:02:43.000 --> 00:02:45.000

That's that on the video. Yeah.

 

00:02:45.000 --> 00:02:54.000

Yeah, we're on video. We're all on video right now. Yeah, well this is just how, this is just how it is.

 

00:02:54.000 --> 00:02:58.000

Something in my teeth. Just tell me now. I think you have a little seed in your teeth.

 

00:02:58.000 --> 00:02:59.000

Oh

 

00:02:59.000 --> 00:03:06.000

Is it gone?

 

00:03:06.000 --> 00:03:07.000

People won't be able to see, I couldn't see it.

 

00:03:07.000 --> 00:03:13.000

No, it's fine. Oh, embarrassing. Yeah.

 

00:03:13.000 --> 00:03:14.000

Yeah.

 

00:03:14.000 --> 00:03:19.000

Oh, okay. So here we are, right? How are you 2 doing?

 

00:03:19.000 --> 00:03:20.000

That's loaded. That's a loaded question. Isn't it?

 

00:03:20.000 --> 00:03:27.000

Well. I've just made a, I made a pledge after the last session that I would try not to talk.

 

00:03:27.000 --> 00:03:28.000

Oh.

 

00:03:28.000 --> 00:03:34.000

So I'm just gonna let try and let Bex answer everything. I think when we listen to the podcast now thought they had talked too much.

 

00:03:34.000 --> 00:03:35.000

Okay. I didn't feel that way.

 

00:03:35.000 --> 00:03:44.000

It is. Oh, thank you. I, yeah, I can't really remember. But today we're doing really well.

 

00:03:44.000 --> 00:03:45.000

Okay.

 

00:03:45.000 --> 00:03:53.000

We'll have a day off together, which is great. But it's been a really hard sort of slog coming here.

 

00:03:53.000 --> 00:04:05.000

Testing and it's been very hard. I think you know like our relationship is really It's been really good for our relationship because it's been really hard on us.

 

00:04:05.000 --> 00:04:06.000

That's.

 

00:04:06.000 --> 00:04:15.000

Yeah, yeah, and so that's well, I think this is that's dissect that a little bit okay because for Folks listening, that's such a great.

 

00:04:15.000 --> 00:04:30.000

Just something I think it would be really great for us to dive into. I guess where I go is I would think it would be really hard on the relationship to have that significant of a move and then both career changes or job changes.

 

00:04:30.000 --> 00:04:38.000

And then just acclimating to life back in the states. So, but what I'm hearing is that perhaps it's Not been that.

 

00:04:38.000 --> 00:04:44.000

It's brought you, it's been good for you. So let's go there. What's been good about this?

 

00:04:44.000 --> 00:04:48.000

All the transitions.

 

00:04:48.000 --> 00:04:58.000

Well. So let's see. I had I had really wanted to leave clinical medicine.

 

00:04:58.000 --> 00:04:59.000

Yeah.

 

00:04:59.000 --> 00:05:11.000

So it's an opportunity to do that. The hard thing, I mean, we saved a lot of money and then we came here and it's It was unbelievably hard to find housing and super expensive and hard to find.

 

00:05:11.000 --> 00:05:24.000

Work that. Had commensurate income and I applied for all sorts of online jobs never really got anywhere and

 

00:05:24.000 --> 00:05:32.000

You know, that either they just didn't want me or they didn't, weren't, you know, some remote jobs.

 

00:05:32.000 --> 00:05:41.000

I wanted to do something like medical writing or consulting or you know, but it's really hard like even before we left New Zealand to try and get a remote job and like.

 

00:05:41.000 --> 00:05:44.000

Put so much energy into these cover letters. In tailoring the CV for all the different positions that they applied for.

 

00:05:44.000 --> 00:06:02.000

I mean, you reckon there must have been over 50 jobs. You know, all the things they tell you on LinkedIn to do and, and then probably places that were either requiring people to go back to the office and but they were like in Washington DC or New York or whatever.

 

00:06:02.000 --> 00:06:12.000

Or you know you can't you can work remotely from lots of places but not Montana. I mean, and then we were in, we were in this place.

 

00:06:12.000 --> 00:06:14.000

Yeah.

 

00:06:14.000 --> 00:06:24.000

So. I mean, there's a lot of layers like we were in this. Town that I where I moved from when I went to New Zealand.

 

00:06:24.000 --> 00:06:43.000

My ex and my kid. And. No, it's really small.

 

00:06:43.000 --> 00:06:44.000

Yeah.

 

00:06:44.000 --> 00:06:50.000

It's very conservative. The cost of living has skyrocketed I think with COVID people went in like bought all these houses to live and work remotely and you know whatever at all Airbnb and and it was it's incredibly hard to find.

 

00:06:50.000 --> 00:07:03.000

How's housing and you know and I ended up my first job was working at Starbucks and then I was at this paper this printing factory putting

 

00:07:03.000 --> 00:07:04.000

Hmm.

 

00:07:04.000 --> 00:07:08.000

Swag and boxes for and corporate swag. Yeah, and, it was a great job for me.

 

00:07:08.000 --> 00:07:12.000

I mean, I could go in. I mean, I could go in, I could, they let me wear my noise canceling headphones as a like.

 

00:07:12.000 --> 00:07:13.000

Good, good. Yeah.

 

00:07:13.000 --> 00:07:21.000

I mean, I could go in. I could, they let me wear my noise canceling headphones as a like a nationally they wouldn't because they are you can get run over by a forklift but when I proved to get run over by a forklift but when I proved to them that I could hear the

 

00:07:21.000 --> 00:07:22.000

Oh good.

 

00:07:22.000 --> 00:07:32.000

forklift with my headphones. Then they were okay. Like you make your own schedule, you go in and you do your thing and you leave like it was perfect for an autistic person but not good for a person in their fifties who's starting to have like orthopedic issues and sore hand.

 

00:07:32.000 --> 00:07:34.000

Oh yeah, yep.

 

00:07:34.000 --> 00:07:35.000

Oh yeah, but anyway, because hands got all cut up, you know, sore and everything.

 

00:07:35.000 --> 00:07:48.000

It was winter as well. So very cold and no health insurance and that was another thing like coming back here and trying to navigate that.

 

00:07:48.000 --> 00:07:56.000

And your other job. Yeah, 3 jobs. And then I and then I also worked at the warming center in Livingston.

 

00:07:56.000 --> 00:07:57.000

Wow.

 

00:07:57.000 --> 00:08:06.000

And so this Yeah, that which was an overnight shelter for homeless people which closed halfway through the season because of lack of funding.

 

00:08:06.000 --> 00:08:15.000

So I was doing and that was evening night time work. It was and then now got a job in the school cafeteria.

 

00:08:15.000 --> 00:08:22.000

So I was the first to get a job. I got a job. Basically 2 days after we arrived because I just didn't feel confident.

 

00:08:22.000 --> 00:08:30.000

I didn't I couldn't sit still and just try and apply for remote work. And hope that I would get it.

 

00:08:30.000 --> 00:08:31.000

Sure.

 

00:08:31.000 --> 00:08:33.000

Like I just thought I have to get started on work and II didn't really want to do remote work.

 

00:08:33.000 --> 00:08:43.000

I wanted to work with Americans. So yeah, I started work in the high school kitchen. Doing, managing the cellar bar.

 

00:08:43.000 --> 00:08:53.000

Which you know the last time I worked in a kitchen was in my early twenties when I was at university.

 

00:08:53.000 --> 00:08:54.000

Okay.

 

00:08:54.000 --> 00:09:03.000

And. It was a shock. I mean, I was standing up for 8 plus hours a day having been previously like a sedentary worker.

 

00:09:03.000 --> 00:09:17.000

I remember getting home from work and my They felt like they were just on fire. I'd lie down in the shower and put them under the water because They, they, I think I described it to myself as like they.

 

00:09:17.000 --> 00:09:26.000

They throbbed, they hummed with pain. And so I felt like I was outputting like actual kind of sensory waves from my feet.

 

00:09:26.000 --> 00:09:35.000

Wow. That's a lot. It's a lot for the 2 of you.

 

00:09:35.000 --> 00:09:36.000

Wow.

 

00:09:36.000 --> 00:09:39.000

Yeah, anyway. No, that. And, and I cleaned houses on the side because I was only getting paid $15 82 an hour.

 

00:09:39.000 --> 00:09:55.000

So there was but the trauma part so there was My ex, I mean, I didn't realize, but being, I mean, I should have realized because I actually tried to go back in 2,016 for part of the time and it was just terrible for my mental health.

 

00:09:55.000 --> 00:10:09.000

That was before I met. You know, just almost like this PTSD kind of thing. I mean, the relationship is, it's sort of at a distance civil, but we aren't friends in any way.

 

00:10:09.000 --> 00:10:31.000

Like we don't and I can't get hooked into the stuff even just being there and then and One of the first like community things we went to was a school board meeting where they were discussing the fate of a librarian who back in May of 2,022.

 

00:10:31.000 --> 00:10:42.000

Had taught a lesson to third graders on pride and this was now in September so all summer so it was older than that.

 

00:10:42.000 --> 00:10:43.000

Wow.

 

00:10:43.000 --> 00:10:45.000

Was it only third grade? But it was just about prize. You know, it wasn't like.

 

00:10:45.000 --> 00:10:46.000

Oh yeah, yeah.

 

00:10:46.000 --> 00:10:51.000

Yeah, and but apparently the parents were up and on because she hadn't given requisite notice that this was gonna be.

 

00:10:51.000 --> 00:10:59.000

Hmm. Oh.

 

00:10:59.000 --> 00:11:02.000

Yeah, what, yep.

 

00:11:02.000 --> 00:11:03.000

Hmm. Oh my.

 

00:11:03.000 --> 00:11:06.000

I mean, basically if you wanna do sex education, whatever. I mean, So we were at this like, like, like, all they were like, fire or fire her, you know.

 

00:11:06.000 --> 00:11:07.000

That sounds traumatic.

 

00:11:07.000 --> 00:11:18.000

Terrible and I mean like if this That was that was the start of a whole a series of I think traumatic.

 

00:11:18.000 --> 00:11:19.000

Yeah.

 

00:11:19.000 --> 00:11:28.000

Events, basically. Oh, it's not it's not just coming from another country. It's we were We were being non-binary in a small Montana town.

 

00:11:28.000 --> 00:11:44.000

Small conservative right it's like Yeah.

 

00:11:44.000 --> 00:11:45.000

Wow.

 

00:11:45.000 --> 00:11:49.000

Yeah. And it's, yeah, and also a town where Bex's ex-wife sort of loomed quite large and has a has a picture framing shop on a corner of Green Street and so it's just kind of felt like You couldn't get away.

 

00:11:49.000 --> 00:11:51.000

Yeah, so we can move from there now. We've moved to a neighboring bigger town and it's much better.

 

00:11:51.000 --> 00:11:57.000

We've moved to Bozeman which is you know, a very short light from Salt Lake City.

 

00:11:57.000 --> 00:12:00.000

Better. Oh good! Hey hey!

 

00:12:00.000 --> 00:12:05.000

And it is better. It's, I mean, it's kind of suburban.

 

00:12:05.000 --> 00:12:06.000

Oh.

 

00:12:06.000 --> 00:12:16.000

Actually, I've never lived in a place like this and at first I was like, oh my gosh, but we can see the mountains and at first I was like, oh my gosh, but we can see the mountains and it feels, but we can see the mountains and it feels more anonymous and but it's not super crowded like

 

00:12:16.000 --> 00:12:20.000

a big city so it's it's kind of good. Like a big city. So it's kind of good.

 

00:12:20.000 --> 00:12:23.000

And you know, it's super expensive. So it's, it's kind of good. And you know, it's super expensive.

 

00:12:23.000 --> 00:12:26.000

It's probably, but it's actually not a lot. I mean, it used to be like.

 

00:12:26.000 --> 00:12:32.000

You were pay 3 times more for the same place here than in Livingston, but now it's just like maybe a few $100 more but not.

 

00:12:32.000 --> 00:12:33.000

Yeah.

 

00:12:33.000 --> 00:12:46.000

Many times more. And, yeah, so I have a I have a better job now that they the organization that ran the warming center I really like the organization and I really want to keep working for them.

 

00:12:46.000 --> 00:12:47.000

No.

 

00:12:47.000 --> 00:12:54.000

So I took a job doing property management because that was the only thing sort of going available that was full time, had had benefits.

 

00:12:54.000 --> 00:13:10.000

And then, and that was in Livingston and then when we decided to move over here, I just magically out of the blue was approached to apply for this other job in Bozeman.

 

00:13:10.000 --> 00:13:11.000

Hmm.

 

00:13:11.000 --> 00:13:12.000

Doing, case management for section 8 voucher. Recipients and that hasn't started yet.

 

00:13:12.000 --> 00:13:34.000

They have a with the same organization which also has a transport I mean they they do housing they do senior assistance they do senior assistance they do senior assistance they do early childhood education assistance they do early childhood education assistance they do early childhood education they do senior assistance they do early childhood education they they run a free public bus system

 

00:13:34.000 --> 00:13:35.000

Oh.

 

00:13:35.000 --> 00:13:38.000

which now can explain how that you know, early childhood education. They, they run a free public bus system, which no, no, can explain how that, you know, And.

 

00:13:38.000 --> 00:13:48.000

Yeah, so they have it's quite and it's quite a good organization and you know, they do a lot of good stuff.

 

00:13:48.000 --> 00:13:58.000

But helping people get housing in this community i mean it's a real need and it's

 

00:13:58.000 --> 00:13:59.000

Yeah

 

00:13:59.000 --> 00:14:11.000

Probably hugely frustrating. I am. I've read, Usually frustrating for well for the perspective tenants for the case managers for everyone who's involved trying to get people housing.

 

00:14:11.000 --> 00:14:18.000

And for the prospective tenants. With

 

00:14:18.000 --> 00:14:23.000

Yeah. Well, I love, I love, I'll just kind of break it down because Just even in that moment.

 

00:14:23.000 --> 00:14:34.000

Right. He is a mixed arrow type couple as Bex shared and now just ask for clarification. So I wanna start.

 

00:14:34.000 --> 00:14:35.000

Yeah.

 

00:14:35.000 --> 00:14:41.000

Yeah, that's for that. That is something that I've really been learning to do. Like that's, I feel that's real progress that I've made.

 

00:14:41.000 --> 00:14:51.000

Well, that BX has helped me to make. Since we last spoke. Because I

 

00:14:51.000 --> 00:14:57.000

I mean II make immediate meaning out of stuff that Beck says. I mean, I do that with everyone.

 

00:14:57.000 --> 00:14:58.000

Yeah.

 

00:14:58.000 --> 00:15:06.000

You know, just that's just my neurotransmitter brain works as someone says something, I make a meeting out of it and I decide that is what it means.

 

00:15:06.000 --> 00:15:15.000

But with a fix I'm learning will know it doesn't mean that and we we had an example today like a a text message.

 

00:15:15.000 --> 00:15:26.000

See, yeah, that's right. So Bix took the, their teenager to get a tattoo which end up panning out because the tattoo shop doesn't tattoo miners anymore.

 

00:15:26.000 --> 00:15:27.000

Oh.

 

00:15:27.000 --> 00:15:37.000

So they had to go to this other place. And the first thing Bex said in the text about it to me was The other tattoo place is between to dispensaries and smells of weed.

 

00:15:37.000 --> 00:15:38.000

Yeah.

 

00:15:38.000 --> 00:15:49.000

So I was the first thing I noticed when I walked in. I guess I guess I relate information kind of like reported chronologically yeah chronologically walked into the place and the first thing I noticed was it smelled like wheat.

 

00:15:49.000 --> 00:15:58.000

So that's the first thing I told Nell about it because because the kids wanted to go to so we didn't end up getting the tattoo because we had to make an appointment and it's a long story.

 

00:15:58.000 --> 00:15:59.000

Yeah.

 

00:15:59.000 --> 00:16:06.000

We had to have more documents. To get to for a 17 year old then we probably did to get green cards for them but and but the meaning I made of that I was I was like oh that doesn't sound like a good place to go.

 

00:16:06.000 --> 00:16:16.000

I was like, oh, that doesn't sound like a good place to go. So I texted back immediately and said, I texted back immediately and said, I don't think you should go to that place.

 

00:16:16.000 --> 00:16:18.000

And then Bex was like, why question Mark? I don't think you should go to that place.

 

00:16:18.000 --> 00:16:20.000

And then Bex was like, why question Mark? And I was like, What do you mean? Why?

 

00:16:20.000 --> 00:16:22.000

Because you've just told me it smells of feed and it's between dispensaries. I thought, oh hang on a minute.

 

00:16:22.000 --> 00:16:27.000

Yes. Yes.

 

00:16:27.000 --> 00:16:35.000

Fix isn't telling me that they think that they shouldn't go there. They're just telling me what they observe.

 

00:16:35.000 --> 00:16:45.000

Cause actually the place looked quite, I mean, I the second thing I noticed was it was roomy, it looked really inviting.

 

00:16:45.000 --> 00:16:55.000

It looked really clean. I did. I know because that's the thing I said, in big stuff, telling me. Oh, but, but why?

 

00:16:55.000 --> 00:16:59.000

It seems it seems nicer. It seems clean. Oh, but it but why? It seems it seems nicer. It seems clean. It's it's better than the other place.

 

00:16:59.000 --> 00:17:09.000

And I was like, oh, okay. I, so actually the responsibility is on me to see. Seek more information before I make an assessment.

 

00:17:09.000 --> 00:17:10.000

Yeah.

 

00:17:10.000 --> 00:17:18.000

I just thought it was interesting that it smelled like weed because at first if it hadn't been for the dispensaries next door or the fact that weed is legal, I would have been like.

 

00:17:18.000 --> 00:17:19.000

And I'm, whoa, that's.

 

00:17:19.000 --> 00:17:29.000

Yeah. Yeah. Well, and I wanna say what I wanna say is if you look at it is the 2 of you in relationship, then it really is on both of you.

 

00:17:29.000 --> 00:17:35.000

And so No, I like how you're saying, okay, I can be. Aware of this.

 

00:17:35.000 --> 00:17:45.000

So maybe if I need to ask for Clarification with through the text I can do that and then Bex also You know, I do what you do, similar brain.

 

00:17:45.000 --> 00:17:54.000

I will literally just say something mid-sentence. I will leave out the front end and so Chris is like what are you okay wait where What are we even talking about, right?

 

00:17:54.000 --> 00:17:55.000

So.

 

00:17:55.000 --> 00:18:08.000

Yeah, because So that that sentence you could have been saying that like 3 min earlier and for you you've been able to remember the first part of it and then you've just picked up where you left off.

 

00:18:08.000 --> 00:18:09.000

Yes. Yes. Yeah.

 

00:18:09.000 --> 00:18:16.000

And then because yeah, there's and so maybe Chris, I'm just like. Okay, I have to think back.

 

00:18:16.000 --> 00:18:17.000

Yeah.

 

00:18:17.000 --> 00:18:28.000

What would it like those, like but you like those toys that you can put together with like you don't wanna put legs together or 2 arms.

 

00:18:28.000 --> 00:18:33.000

Yeah, that's all right.

 

00:18:33.000 --> 00:18:34.000

Okay.

 

00:18:34.000 --> 00:18:40.000

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, when they have the magnets it's like they yeah And so I just love that awareness of, okay, I can ask clarifying questions and then vex also being aware of.

 

00:18:40.000 --> 00:18:46.000

You know, and that there's like this pause that comes in like oh I said that okay maybe I could add this pause that comes in like oh I said that okay maybe I could add this in right so it's like

 

00:18:46.000 --> 00:18:54.000

Have you open? Where have I? Well like what Candice does. I just want to know if you are aware of that and if you do try and do it.

 

00:18:54.000 --> 00:18:57.000

I'm not really sure what it is. I'm sorry.

 

00:18:57.000 --> 00:19:11.000

I love that. I love that you're asking for Clarification because again, this is where this is where I'm such an advocate for we're humans we all have different neurotypes and so it's not up to one or the other to to fix how we communicate.

 

00:19:11.000 --> 00:19:20.000

It's up to all of us. So the 3 of us are having a conversation how beautiful that you're wanting me to clarify.

 

00:19:20.000 --> 00:19:21.000

Just make something up.

 

00:19:21.000 --> 00:19:23.000

Which is really that awareness of and really I'm not. I'm not saying that you're doing this.

 

00:19:23.000 --> 00:19:34.000

I'm just giving a suggestion. This is like a free therapy session on a podcast, which is you know, if Nell says, oh my, you know, it's between 2 dispensaries.

 

00:19:34.000 --> 00:19:42.000

Well, don't go there, then it's just pausing and reading what you said. He was like, oh, I left out.

 

00:19:42.000 --> 00:19:43.000

You know, I, perhaps I left out, right?

 

00:19:43.000 --> 00:19:50.000

Well, that's what I did. I mean, I Yeah, like a Y and, and then, oh, okay, yes, I should explain that actually.

 

00:19:50.000 --> 00:19:51.000

Yeah!

 

00:19:51.000 --> 00:19:55.000

And we wasn't really bothers. It was just, but you didn't put on that that prefix off.

 

00:19:55.000 --> 00:20:05.000

Oh, right. I should explain. You just put. Well, it seems nice and it seems this and it seems that and I have to What I'm saying?

 

00:20:05.000 --> 00:20:08.000

Yeah.

 

00:20:08.000 --> 00:20:17.000

Yeah, I guess so. I mean, I guess, see, yeah, cause I look at Canada says that because sometimes I feel like it's the way as the neurotypical person.

 

00:20:17.000 --> 00:20:26.000

I feel like I have Yep. I feel like I've got privilege, so I have to do more work than you.

 

00:20:26.000 --> 00:20:31.000

Good awareness, okay.

 

00:20:31.000 --> 00:20:34.000

Yeah.

 

00:20:34.000 --> 00:20:35.000

Yeah.

 

00:20:35.000 --> 00:20:48.000

Oh. And sometimes I feel really sort of. Off by that you know like I don't want to but except that you know autistic people get a really tough time in the world and so most of the time I'm happy to do it but just sometimes I think Oh, I can't like what Ken has just said, you know, Candice does this with her own

 

00:20:48.000 --> 00:20:56.000

partner so you could do that too.

 

00:20:56.000 --> 00:20:57.000

Yes.

 

00:20:57.000 --> 00:21:02.000

Well, and I'm not perfect. I will tell you. I mean, Chris and I, the thing that saves Chris and I is humor because he'll He'll repeat back what I say and then I'm like Did I really just say that?

 

00:21:02.000 --> 00:21:05.000

Well, I think I think that's, I think that's, yeah, humor and, humor is great.

 

00:21:05.000 --> 00:21:14.000

So, because it's awareness because like if II mean, I guess I could look back at the text.

 

00:21:14.000 --> 00:21:20.000

I don't know. I was in the bathroom. I was actually sitting on the target. Jeez, I had no idea.

 

00:21:20.000 --> 00:21:23.000

I thought you were in an aisle. No. And,

 

00:21:23.000 --> 00:21:30.000

Let's, I just love that the whole world knows that Bax was on the can, the toilet.

 

00:21:30.000 --> 00:21:31.000

Okay.

 

00:21:31.000 --> 00:21:35.000

That's why I get you on your phone. That seems quite grubby. But I don't know.

 

00:21:35.000 --> 00:21:42.000

I'm, I'm not always aware. I mean, II mean, I just.

 

00:21:42.000 --> 00:21:51.000

I'm not always aware that my communication isn't. Well, then it isn't clear because I think I'm being very direct, like, but it is always clear.

 

00:21:51.000 --> 00:21:52.000

So.

 

00:21:52.000 --> 00:22:02.000

Oh, let's pause with that. Let's pause because that's such an important statement that I want everyone to hear.

 

00:22:02.000 --> 00:22:10.000

Because that I agree with you with me where I am direct to like tell me just tell me just tell me tell it like it is, right?

 

00:22:10.000 --> 00:22:20.000

I'll say that or I'll tell it like it is. And that awareness of Okay, I might be direct, but it's not necessarily clear all the time.

 

00:22:20.000 --> 00:22:28.000

And that's just beautiful awareness. What I what I love too is We're taking out that.

 

00:22:28.000 --> 00:22:36.000

The responsibility of the responsibilities on Nell, you know, is the non autistic person or the responsibilities on backs as the autistic person.

 

00:22:36.000 --> 00:22:45.000

It's like, no. It's on all parties. It's all of our responsibility and.

 

00:22:45.000 --> 00:22:57.000

Does that take a lot of work? Yeah, because I think it's easy sometimes to either stuff our feelings and not say anything and just walk around resentful, right?

 

00:22:57.000 --> 00:23:11.000

Or project onto the other person that frustration. So I love that now just said. You know, I feel like I have privilege and so I do feel and at my words kind of burdened time at times like, okay, I've got to be the one.

 

00:23:11.000 --> 00:23:19.000

That's being, you know, patient and aware. And, but what about Becks too, right?

 

00:23:19.000 --> 00:23:20.000

Yeah.

 

00:23:20.000 --> 00:23:25.000

Yeah. Try hard. I mean, I, yeah, when you point it out, I don't always.

 

00:23:25.000 --> 00:23:37.000

I guess notice. No, but you really do take on board. Feedback. I mean, I think Probably that's to our advantage that we both take on feedback quite well, don't you think?

 

00:23:37.000 --> 00:23:38.000

I mean.

 

00:23:38.000 --> 00:23:42.000

Well, let's pot let's pause there too because this is what I love about having the 2 of you on a podcast.

 

00:23:42.000 --> 00:23:53.000

It really ends up being like a therapy session and the 2 of you really demonstrate beautifully for a mixed neurotype couple and those that are listening that are mixed neurotype couples.

 

00:23:53.000 --> 00:24:02.000

Just how validation of the other person and acknowledgement of what the other person is doing well. Feeds the relationship.

 

00:24:02.000 --> 00:24:07.000

What I saw with Bex as I was observing was some kind of like a little bit my words.

 

00:24:07.000 --> 00:24:17.000

So maybe there was an energy I saw just I don't want you to feel shame at all or bad at all because it's like, oh my gosh, You know, I'm not doing this, you know, all the time.

 

00:24:17.000 --> 00:24:29.000

And so I love how Nell just naturally said but I feel like we do and I feel like you know just naturally said but I feel like we do and I feel like you you know just so such a That those little nuggets of complements.

 

00:24:29.000 --> 00:24:40.000

Those are what build and strengthen a relationship. Right? Yeah.

 

00:24:40.000 --> 00:24:41.000

Oh.

 

00:24:41.000 --> 00:24:47.000

Yeah. I mean, you know, Nice and partner. But apparently it has to be generally irritating.

 

00:24:47.000 --> 00:24:48.000

We all are.

 

00:24:48.000 --> 00:25:07.000

Well yeah, I mean you I can feel. Yeah, no, I mean, I think you. Yeah, you You're pretty, you're pretty special, I think.

 

00:25:07.000 --> 00:25:08.000

Oh.

 

00:25:08.000 --> 00:25:17.000

I really, I mean, I really feel like. No has gone the extra mile and See me and You know, I mean, I just think about like, but honestly, we've had like we've had our most testing of times since we came to Montana.

 

00:25:17.000 --> 00:25:18.000

Oh, I'm sure. I'm sure.

 

00:25:18.000 --> 00:25:28.000

That you know like with I'm just so glad that we've managed to grow from it because we've had time where we've behaved very badly.

 

00:25:28.000 --> 00:25:35.000

I've behaved really badly. And. It's been terrible, you know?

 

00:25:35.000 --> 00:25:42.000

Yeah, yeah. Well, and I'll just say as also a human that there are times where I behave really badly too and Chris behaves really badly.

 

00:25:42.000 --> 00:25:48.000

You know where we say things or we might end up yelling at each other and it's like.

 

00:25:48.000 --> 00:25:57.000

We throw out all the things we know that we could use to make it better because we're just having a strong reaction to something and that's part of being human right.

 

00:25:57.000 --> 00:26:12.000

Hi, yeah. I think that's the other thing is like we, you know, we have such a strong bond and it's been it's often felt like you know I mean I feel like If this doesn't work, nothing will.

 

00:26:12.000 --> 00:26:18.000

You know, I mean, I go to I go there, you know, and II think another thing that's been really hard.

 

00:26:18.000 --> 00:26:27.000

Let's, that's amplified the difficulty is. That we hear with You know, we came here for Bics as good and that whole situation.

 

00:26:27.000 --> 00:26:37.000

Really has not worked out the way we had hoped or envisaged. You know, we've become this beautiful family and we'd have half the time with them and it would all be sweet.

 

00:26:37.000 --> 00:26:50.000

And hasn't worked out like that at all. But we've also got my daughter.

 

00:26:50.000 --> 00:26:51.000

Hmm.

 

00:26:51.000 --> 00:26:54.000

And she, so, so we're managing. A blended family situation with her and we have her all the time whereas before She went to her dad's half the time and so we would get time alone.

 

00:26:54.000 --> 00:27:08.000

But now we don't have that and she's been She has her own response to to I mean she's her own type of neuro divergence we believe she might have ADHD and we're getting her assist for that.

 

00:27:08.000 --> 00:27:27.000

And so she and Bex interact in a like ADHD whatever I mean over stimulates me I mean I hats off to people who are both because God I can't even imagine what my brain would be like because I was diagnosed with ADHD years ago, but I actually don't think that

 

00:27:27.000 --> 00:27:28.000

Yeah, yeah.

 

00:27:28.000 --> 00:27:34.000

that's. I think it was autism the whole time and I. Actually, I mean, there might be a little bit, but I can't.

 

00:27:34.000 --> 00:27:46.000

I yeah, so and my Autistic brain drives a lot of nuts and we yeah, so there's been there have been significant crises.

 

00:27:46.000 --> 00:27:54.000

Dynamic crises and Lola has been said things to me like, oh I just don't know how you can be with Bex.

 

00:27:54.000 --> 00:28:11.000

I mean, I, you know, you should, you should leave them. You know you should. Big, you know, of Bex has like a meltdown about something that's happened with Lola or I mean, It really has been.

 

00:28:11.000 --> 00:28:18.000

I mean those things happened in New Zealand but they've been so much Excuse me more pronounced here and

 

00:28:18.000 --> 00:28:24.000

Yeah, they're compounded. So let me, now I'm taking notes. So we're really in a free.

 

00:28:24.000 --> 00:28:33.000

Live session. So I'm gonna actually just respond to everything that you're saying. Okay, first I wanna say back because I've also had that.

 

00:28:33.000 --> 00:28:44.000

If I can't get it right in this relationship. So I'm with you. I get it, right?

 

00:28:44.000 --> 00:28:45.000

Yeah.

 

00:28:45.000 --> 00:28:47.000

I think that I just, I just want you to know I get it. Okay, and then when Nell said, hey, we're gonna move here and things are gonna be great, right?

 

00:28:47.000 --> 00:29:03.000

Bex will be closer to child and things will just be great and then they're not. Chris and I had a very similar situation where We said, you know, the first of last year, oh my gosh, let's get a house in the state, this other state to be closer to our daughter.

 

00:29:03.000 --> 00:29:07.000

So his daughters, my stepdaughters, I like to say our daughters. And it just backfired.

 

00:29:07.000 --> 00:29:10.000

Yeah.

 

00:29:10.000 --> 00:29:18.000

Okay, shit hit the fan. It backfired in the relationship actually diminished so that so what we realized but it brought Chris and I closer together.

 

00:29:18.000 --> 00:29:26.000

And what we realized was it, you know what, it's like the relation, us being here in a different state.

 

00:29:26.000 --> 00:29:36.000

A lot and that space actually gives us an opportunity to have a relationship. Whereas when we're right there, it just is too challenging because of the X and so on.

 

00:29:36.000 --> 00:29:40.000

And doesn't matter if they're 32. Doesn't matter if they're adults.

 

00:29:40.000 --> 00:29:45.000

There's always a parent, you know, and so for us, We got closer, so I wanna say that.

 

00:29:45.000 --> 00:29:48.000

Right. Yeah.

 

00:29:48.000 --> 00:29:58.000

Well, yeah, right. The other thing I wanna say about, so really just to validate now when you're talking about

 

00:29:58.000 --> 00:30:20.000

The crises and the challenges how normal it is when you are you are sharing a child with someone and it goes from that to having the child full-time again it doesn't matter how old you know if your daughter is 7 it just doesn't matter it's going to create a lot of stress on the dynamic with that your child

 

00:30:20.000 --> 00:30:38.000

and also with your relationship because they're there all the time. And so I really want to normalize that and just validate it and It's also just a test because I don't know that I've met a step child that's liked the step parent.

 

00:30:38.000 --> 00:30:55.000

My stepdaughter's, you know. If they listen to this, they listen to it. I love my stepdaughters and I also know that my stepdaughter's love they love me and they hate me and it just depends on the day and I'm not surprised when they're mad at me.

 

00:30:55.000 --> 00:31:02.000

I'm not surprised anymore if they're throwing me under the bus. I don't care that this is live because I've actually said that before to them.

 

00:31:02.000 --> 00:31:13.000

It's like. If so, and so is upset, I'm not surprised. Like I'm just because really as a step parent we can't win and we're never going to win.

 

00:31:13.000 --> 00:31:14.000

Yeah.

 

00:31:14.000 --> 00:31:22.000

But it but the opportunity now And I'm probably preaching to the choir here with what I'm gonna say next is that.

 

00:31:22.000 --> 00:31:27.000

You just show your daughter we're a unified front and Bex isn't going anywhere.

 

00:31:27.000 --> 00:31:43.000

That's right. That's right. Yeah. Yeah, and that's that's so that's pretty much I mean to talk about something quite sort of personal like I mean obviously We want to have sex.

 

00:31:43.000 --> 00:31:44.000

That'd be hard.

 

00:31:44.000 --> 00:31:46.000

Like. We met. We both for the 6 is a healthy part of an intimate relationship. Okay.

 

00:31:46.000 --> 00:31:53.000

It is.

 

00:31:53.000 --> 00:32:03.000

And, and our committed relationship and we, you know, we declared that to each other up front when we, like, we really did this big talk and we both agreed that 6 was very important to both of us.

 

00:32:03.000 --> 00:32:26.000

We've both been in situations where the sexual side of the relationship was very problematic and we didn't want that.

 

00:32:26.000 --> 00:32:27.000

Oh.

 

00:32:27.000 --> 00:32:36.000

So coming here, not having Lola go away half the time, we still wanna have 6. And so, It's become, it's coming to the family.

 

00:32:36.000 --> 00:32:37.000

Yeah.

 

00:32:37.000 --> 00:32:40.000

Conversation of like, oh, Nell and Bex have sex and you know, oh god I heard them having sex and the 2 the 2 kids have talked about it but because we haven't seen Kai very Well, before we moved over here from the small town, we weren't we weren't seeing her very much because she was in

 

00:32:40.000 --> 00:32:58.000

a play and just it made sense for her to be with her mom. But basically Lola started commenting on our 6 life like you know that I mean and honestly you could like we're living in this house where it's completely unsound proof.

 

00:32:58.000 --> 00:33:08.000

And we are so quiet. Like, we have got our 6 life. At the audio from our 6 life.

 

00:33:08.000 --> 00:33:16.000

We have decreased it to almost 0 0 disables I believe And yet, Lola. We'll still say.

 

00:33:16.000 --> 00:33:22.000

I can't believe you had to do that this morning. I mean, trust me, it's not like we're doing it as much as we could or would like to.

 

00:33:22.000 --> 00:33:29.000

We just like do it when we you know feel like we've got the opportunity and we do it.

 

00:33:29.000 --> 00:33:38.000

And like so this morning she was like. I can't believe you. Yeah, I mean, did you really have to start my day off by doing that?

 

00:33:38.000 --> 00:33:53.000

Like start her day off? 7 6 and I said, okay, we live in an apartment complex. There are a lot of other activities available to you like there's a swimming pool, there's a sparkle, there's a gym, you can do something else rather than be tortured and your room.

 

00:33:53.000 --> 00:34:08.000

Bearing witness to something that you don't wanna Be a witness too. You know, I mean, honestly, I feel like she must have had her ear pressed up to a glass against the door because I just don't know how to even heard anything.

 

00:34:08.000 --> 00:34:09.000

Yeah. Sure.

 

00:34:09.000 --> 00:34:13.000

Yeah, yes, yeah, there's a couple things I think about. Number one, number one is like I would just purchase a sound machine.

 

00:34:13.000 --> 00:34:17.000

I had purchased a sound machine on Amazon. So we have sound machines. I'm gonna show you.

 

00:34:17.000 --> 00:34:19.000

Know what's going on. Yeah.

 

00:34:19.000 --> 00:34:24.000

I'm gonna show you what they are. It's just, yeah, it's the therapy.

 

00:34:24.000 --> 00:34:27.000

So we have, can you see it? So I'm gonna turn it on.

 

00:34:27.000 --> 00:34:29.000

Oh, it looks like a toilet. Well, we could probably just turn on the fan.

 

00:34:29.000 --> 00:34:32.000

Can you hear it?

 

00:34:32.000 --> 00:34:34.000

I can't hear it.

 

00:34:34.000 --> 00:34:39.000

Okay, it's a sound machine. You can get it on Amazon. And.

 

00:34:39.000 --> 00:34:44.000

It works great. You could also turn the fan on. I yeah, I mean if

 

00:34:44.000 --> 00:34:48.000

Play noise as you know so

 

00:34:48.000 --> 00:34:54.000

And the reality is that, yep, we are, you know, we are going to be having sex that's part of a relationship.

 

00:34:54.000 --> 00:35:00.000

Do you want to talk about? Do you need any information just in general about sex? Lola, okay.

 

00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:01.000

Yeah, I mean, it should be like, no. Yeah.

 

00:35:01.000 --> 00:35:09.000

You know, okay, do you know, cause this is Yeah, no. And the second thing is Lola, what are you concerned about?

 

00:35:09.000 --> 00:35:15.000

What's the concern for you? Like what's the deeper issue here?

 

00:35:15.000 --> 00:35:23.000

Yeah, so cause what happens with the so this is an example of a situation where things can go horribly wrong for us as a family unit.

 

00:35:23.000 --> 00:35:24.000

Okay.

 

00:35:24.000 --> 00:35:35.000

So because I try and respond from a place of like II didn't think to ask you what your concern is because yeah, I try and get this.

 

00:35:35.000 --> 00:35:36.000

Now you have it. Now you have a tip.

 

00:35:36.000 --> 00:35:51.000

I do. I have a tip. I try and go into my therapist self but obviously I'm not a therapist so I don't do very well at that but we're but I try and like come from a place of sexes and as a healthy part of a relationship.

 

00:35:51.000 --> 00:36:01.000

This is something you'll discover when you have your own relationship. And. But Bix gets really angry.

 

00:36:01.000 --> 00:36:02.000

Is it anchor backs? What is it anger? Is it anger?

 

00:36:02.000 --> 00:36:14.000

Well, I perceive it as it may not be, but I think you just anger it. I mean, the like there's Anger hurt.

 

00:36:14.000 --> 00:36:23.000

I don't know like Like you find it rude. I find it rude. I find it like I find it really an objectionable attitude.

 

00:36:23.000 --> 00:36:29.000

Like I can't even, I can't even tell them where it's like okay for a teenager to comment on their parents sex life I mean I wouldn't have dreamed of such a thing.

 

00:36:29.000 --> 00:36:33.000

Oh Okay.

 

00:36:33.000 --> 00:36:42.000

If I had if I were living with roommates. Unless they were like keeping me awake. I mean, I'd be too embarrassed to.

 

00:36:42.000 --> 00:36:43.000

How many other sex life you know like And.

 

00:36:43.000 --> 00:36:56.000

Sure, sure. Yeah, I can hear that. So I wanna I wanna say I absolutely hear that back and it's actually quite common.

 

00:36:56.000 --> 00:36:57.000

Okay.

 

00:36:57.000 --> 00:37:08.000

For teenagers especially nowadays to let everyone know how they feel about everything. Okay. So, but I also want to validate the parts of you using a little bit of internal family systems language that are angry, right, that are like shocked and hurt.

 

00:37:08.000 --> 00:37:20.000

Really valid. Really valid parts of you that are experiencing that because you know, if you think about it, why are those feelings come up coming up for you?

 

00:37:20.000 --> 00:37:26.000

The hurt. Let's, I mean, are you open to just seeing like why is the hurt coming up?

 

00:37:26.000 --> 00:37:39.000

Well, cause like the first I mean the there's It's almost like there is a bit of rivalry between Lola and I, and I am trying to be very mindful of that because I know that's very stressful for now.

 

00:37:39.000 --> 00:37:47.000

So I, you know, try to take a step back from that because I know that's very stressful for now.

 

00:37:47.000 --> 00:37:48.000

So I, you know, that's very stressful for now. So I, you know, try to take a step back and look at that.

 

00:37:48.000 --> 00:37:54.000

But then I think But this is. I mean, this is an important relationship.

 

00:37:54.000 --> 00:37:55.000

Yes. Yes.

 

00:37:55.000 --> 00:38:05.000

I mean, I, I feel I that's a good question because I

 

00:38:05.000 --> 00:38:13.000

I just say something just while you think you can collect your thoughts. I just wanna say like the last time we had sex was over 2 weeks ago.

 

00:38:13.000 --> 00:38:14.000

Long time ago.

 

00:38:14.000 --> 00:38:17.000

So it's not like we're subjecting Lola to. You know.

 

00:38:17.000 --> 00:38:22.000

Yeah. No. Oh no. Well, and here, let's just kind of even reframe that.

 

00:38:22.000 --> 00:38:23.000

Okay. Okay.

 

00:38:23.000 --> 00:38:28.000

You know, let's reframe that too because you're not subject to Lola to anything.

 

00:38:28.000 --> 00:38:36.000

Right? The reality is, is you're both being incredibly conscientious like overboard to where it's like, okay, there's no sound whatsoever.

 

00:38:36.000 --> 00:38:40.000

That's why I was like, turn a fan on so that like literally, I mean, I would just.

 

00:38:40.000 --> 00:38:43.000

Very my head and a pillow. Yeah.

 

00:38:43.000 --> 00:38:52.000

Yeah, it's like you're doing everything. I also wanna validate Bex for you that and just kind of that curiosity for you that you're like, wow, why am I hurt?

 

00:38:52.000 --> 00:39:03.000

And I think you said something that may perhaps as a trial head to explore, on maybe on your own work, which is This relationship is really important to me.

 

00:39:03.000 --> 00:39:19.000

With Nell. And so what we said earlier, you know, I think Nell said it, which is Lola has really struggled with you and has said at times get rid of Becks basically and so You know, it's just.

 

00:39:19.000 --> 00:39:34.000

Already it's like you have this history. You know, in your life of adult diagnostic, there's intersectionality with like gender and sexuality and and and now you have someone in your house that's a bully now teenagers can be bullies.

 

00:39:34.000 --> 00:39:49.000

I just want to say for all of everybody on the planet that has a teenager, holy cow. Really awful bullies and even no matter how old we are It hurts.

 

00:39:49.000 --> 00:39:52.000

Sometimes what they say is so cruel.

 

00:39:52.000 --> 00:39:59.000

Lola can be really cruel to me. That's the other thing. We can.

 

00:39:59.000 --> 00:40:02.000

So, I mean, I, in this case, I mean, I, did a good thing, I think.

 

00:40:02.000 --> 00:40:07.000

I mean, this is things that I do these things that I'm like, okay, I'm gonna commit myself.

 

00:40:07.000 --> 00:40:13.000

To behaving better. When I do it, I expect to pat on the back, but I don't get it.

 

00:40:13.000 --> 00:40:14.000

Oh

 

00:40:14.000 --> 00:40:17.000

But anyway, I'm sorry. II shut the bathroom door. I mean the bedroom door.

 

00:40:17.000 --> 00:40:18.000

I mean the bedroom door. I mean we have an en suite bathroom. It's great. I shut the bathroom door. I mean, we have an en suite bathroom. It's great.

 

00:40:18.000 --> 00:40:25.000

I mean, we have an en suite bathroom. It's great. I mean, we live in a in our master bedroom is probably big enough for actually us to live in.

 

00:40:25.000 --> 00:40:29.000

Wow, okay, that's cool.

 

00:40:29.000 --> 00:40:30.000

That's nice.

 

00:40:30.000 --> 00:40:32.000

It's a time. It's like a tiny house. Yeah, but, I shut the door.

 

00:40:32.000 --> 00:40:41.000

Now it's slammed because of the wind coming in and it sounded like I slammed the door so granted. But anyway, I didn't mean to sign the door. It slammed.

 

00:40:41.000 --> 00:40:49.000

I shut the door. I, you know, had my and I sat and sat there and I sort of started thinking like what is going on here.

 

00:40:49.000 --> 00:40:58.000

And I actually thought, you know, I actually do like you said like teenagers will say everything that's on their minds like the they actually have too much power.

 

00:40:58.000 --> 00:41:05.000

I mean, I don't know. Like I feel like I'm really old-fashioned and then I start feeling like I'm channeling my parents and I don't want to do that.

 

00:41:05.000 --> 00:41:06.000

Good awareness.

 

00:41:06.000 --> 00:41:16.000

But. Fine for Lola to have her feelings. That's okay. But it's not fine for her to take her feelings and make them our problem or to put them on us.

 

00:41:16.000 --> 00:41:20.000

Yes, yes.

 

00:41:20.000 --> 00:41:31.000

Yes, we sing it all the time.

 

00:41:31.000 --> 00:41:32.000

Yes!

 

00:41:32.000 --> 00:41:38.000

And then I started thinking about some stuff that happens on social media where people say really Like, you know, I mean, I'm, I'm just flabbergasted at like some of the stuff with autistic people being transphobic and I've run into a couple of those things today or recently.

 

00:41:38.000 --> 00:41:39.000

Yeah.

 

00:41:39.000 --> 00:41:43.000

I mean, that's maybe one of the things is like. First thing this morning, one of my friends on LinkedIn posts a Message said have you.

 

00:41:43.000 --> 00:41:45.000

Really?

 

00:41:45.000 --> 00:41:52.000

Have you seen this? This is what basically 2 different mutual connections, not not somebody I know personally, but people I follow because Good stuff.

 

00:41:52.000 --> 00:41:56.000

Sure. Yeah, yeah.

 

00:41:56.000 --> 00:42:02.000

And I'm like, okay, I, I in my head compared Lola to that.

 

00:42:02.000 --> 00:42:09.000

In in the sense of like Lola has opinions. It's perfectly valid to have opinions, but I don't really need to engage with them.

 

00:42:09.000 --> 00:42:19.000

And in my in my opinion, a 16 year old commenting on my sex life when I'm not trying very hard to be respectful or you know telling us that we shouldn't have it.

 

00:42:19.000 --> 00:42:34.000

Telling us, telling us a lot of things like that we shouldn't be. Visible from the open window from the street that we shouldn't that we shouldn't talk with the door open because people can hear us and we had Lola go out to the street and stand there.

 

00:42:34.000 --> 00:42:35.000

Nell talked about specifically about the street and stand there. And we had Lola go out to the street and stand there.

 

00:42:35.000 --> 00:42:41.000

The street and stand there. Well, and now talked about specifically about geraniums just to see if we'll and well, it's like I heard you talking I said what did we talk about?

 

00:42:41.000 --> 00:42:42.000

Yeah, right.

 

00:42:42.000 --> 00:42:46.000

Well, I don't know about specifically about geraniums just to see if we'll and well it's like I heard you talking I said what what did we talk about? Well I don't know. You know what kind of what kind of flower did we mention?

 

00:42:46.000 --> 00:42:51.000

No, you know And.

 

00:42:51.000 --> 00:42:52.000

Yeah.

 

00:42:52.000 --> 00:43:02.000

Yes, yes. So, Bex, what you're saying. Is boundaries. And boundaries are so healthy because children no matter how they how old they are need boundaries and consistency and structure and safety.

 

00:43:02.000 --> 00:43:12.000

So it is okay to say. You're entitled to your opinion. You don't. I love how Nell said there are many activities that you can go do at the first sign.

 

00:43:12.000 --> 00:43:17.000

That you sense. You just sense. Oh, I heard a little noise. They must be having sex.

 

00:43:17.000 --> 00:43:19.000

Yeah. Yeah. That's right.

 

00:43:19.000 --> 00:43:31.000

Leave the house then. You're 16. You're 16 leave the house and I also and I also like and think it's okay to say you're entitled to your opinion and your feelings.

 

00:43:31.000 --> 00:43:36.000

And you don't get to be hurtful about it. Right.

 

00:43:36.000 --> 00:43:42.000

That's that's such a good way of putting it. Yeah, cause I yeah, that's

 

00:43:42.000 --> 00:43:49.000

I think I see it this morning. You are, what did II wish you'd heard what I see.

 

00:43:49.000 --> 00:44:01.000

I felt I'd said some really good things like you're entitled to. Have, I know it looks a lot of us being very, I found she was being very rich.

 

00:44:01.000 --> 00:44:02.000

Yeah, block it out.

 

00:44:02.000 --> 00:44:12.000

I don't sit by the door with a glass. Actually, Yeah, the way she was speaking to me was very, was very unkind and rude and I said Sh, that's right.

 

00:44:12.000 --> 00:44:17.000

And I said, you don't need to speak to me and that's sarcastic way.

 

00:44:17.000 --> 00:44:21.000

And she said, oh, I'm allowed to speak to you however I like. And I said, Okay.

 

00:44:21.000 --> 00:44:25.000

Well, I'm also at Liverpool, not to engage with you when you speak to me like that.

 

00:44:25.000 --> 00:44:38.000

No, so good. See, I'm not I don't have the I don't have the mental capacity to think of those things as while you were the communications professional but also you're just a better parent.

 

00:44:38.000 --> 00:44:41.000

Well, I, but I like that saying of, what did you say, Candice?

 

00:44:41.000 --> 00:44:42.000

You said.

 

00:44:42.000 --> 00:44:46.000

Well, it's, oh, you're entitled to have your feelings and you know, you don't get to be hurtful about it.

 

00:44:46.000 --> 00:44:50.000

Yeah.

 

00:44:50.000 --> 00:44:51.000

Yeah.

 

00:44:51.000 --> 00:44:55.000

It's like you don't get to hurt others with right. It's like how you That's the thing and I liked how you said it too.

 

00:44:55.000 --> 00:44:56.000

Okay.

 

00:44:56.000 --> 00:45:04.000

Right? It's like. But what I wanna acknowledge and I hopefully maybe perhaps your daughter will never ever hear this.

 

00:45:04.000 --> 00:45:05.000

But, okay.

 

00:45:05.000 --> 00:45:14.000

She won't. Makes it's about lame old people. That's right. Cause we told her that we were doing the podcast and she was and we described to the podcast and she I think she looked you up and she said She has one listener.

 

00:45:14.000 --> 00:45:20.000

No, 10 listeners. That's on Spotify. So I'm sure you have. That's right.

 

00:45:20.000 --> 00:45:25.000

She looks you up on Spotify and and so she just thinks that we do the same stuff. And so she just thinks that we do this lame stuff.

 

00:45:25.000 --> 00:45:26.000

I mean, even you know.

 

00:45:26.000 --> 00:45:35.000

That's so funny. Well, what's funny is the follower thing that everyone's obsessed with having, you know, which is so funny.

 

00:45:35.000 --> 00:45:50.000

I'm sure more than people listen to this podcast.

 

00:45:50.000 --> 00:45:51.000

He doesn't.

 

00:45:51.000 --> 00:45:57.000

The world is such a matrix. And. Oh, I'm positive of that. I really have compassion for the 2 of you because what I wanna say is Lola is being incredibly cruel and disrespectful and you know when a teenager when a teenager says something like Because Lola's not actually, I've heard it

 

00:45:57.000 --> 00:46:02.000

from so many teenagers. I mean, just where I can, I could talk to you the way I want to.

 

00:46:02.000 --> 00:46:06.000

And that's where it just gets a neutral, you know, as neutral as you can be boundary.

 

00:46:06.000 --> 00:46:23.000

Well, I don't have to engage with you. You know, or well, there's the door or, you know, okay, whatever the boundary is so that they understand that that is not okay.

 

00:46:23.000 --> 00:46:24.000

Yeah

 

00:46:24.000 --> 00:46:28.000

You know, that is absolutely not okay. And the deeper issue that might be going on is this transition, right?

 

00:46:28.000 --> 00:46:29.000

I think so.

 

00:46:29.000 --> 00:46:48.000

It's a new place. A news, if Lola was in New Zealand and now is in Montana and it's They'll change your friend groups and change of schools and so might have some some deeper issues of anger that's unresolved at this all these transitions and

 

00:46:48.000 --> 00:46:49.000

Oh.

 

00:46:49.000 --> 00:46:51.000

Well, which she wanted to make. She wanted to, she was, I mean, she was the first person I spoke to.

 

00:46:51.000 --> 00:47:04.000

About coming here. I actually asked her before I spoke to Bex I said how would you feel if we went tried to go and live in America for a. That was my kid. It was Nell's idea.

 

00:47:04.000 --> 00:47:05.000

Yeah.

 

00:47:05.000 --> 00:47:14.000

I never, it was my idea to come. In Lola was so totally keen on it but I think what you're saying is very valid because we have moved towns so Lola's left she went to that small town school for a year.

 

00:47:14.000 --> 00:47:18.000

Yes, yes.

 

00:47:18.000 --> 00:47:27.000

Yes. Yes.

 

00:47:27.000 --> 00:47:28.000

Yeah.

 

00:47:28.000 --> 00:47:35.000

Now she's gonna go to a different high school with a with it so she's gonna have screens, a much she's very conscious that we we chose this apartment complex because she can walk to school like it's only mile away so she can easily all through the winter.

 

00:47:35.000 --> 00:47:36.000

Yeah.

 

00:47:36.000 --> 00:47:42.000

And the footpaths are plowed you know it's very it's very easy So she's conscious that we are actually on display to her potential friend group.

 

00:47:42.000 --> 00:47:51.000

And that, you know, a big standing in the hallway and the towel. Well, God, what if people like see Lola, remember Lola when she gets to school?

 

00:47:51.000 --> 00:48:07.000

Remember that she came out of that house with the person in the towel. 6.

 

00:48:07.000 --> 00:48:08.000

Oh.

 

00:48:08.000 --> 00:48:13.000

Yes, well and if so the fear yeah the fear of being judged or bullying Lola's at an age where you know, she's also just potentially insecure or just you know exploring like what does it mean to for me to be sexual.

 

00:48:13.000 --> 00:48:18.000

I mean, there's 16 as a hard age, right? And like you said, that's starting a new school.

 

00:48:18.000 --> 00:48:21.000

I mean, there's 16 as a hard age, right? And like you said, that's starting a hard age, right?

 

00:48:21.000 --> 00:48:32.000

And like you said, that starting a new school and what will people think and wanting to fit in? Which we know in the trauma when we look at trauma we know that when folks and autistic folks actually autistic ADHD folks actually do this quite often where we try and fit in.

 

00:48:32.000 --> 00:48:38.000

We're trying to figure out the setting. We're fawning to try be liked, all 3 of those.

 

00:48:38.000 --> 00:48:46.000

Fit in the category of a sympathetic response in our autonomic nervous system, which is Trauma, it's a trauma response.

 

00:48:46.000 --> 00:48:55.000

So what's happening is these deeper wounds that are probably been activated inside Lola. Hi, I could be wrong, but I'm gonna go over here.

 

00:48:55.000 --> 00:49:10.000

Are showing up as anger. Because anger feels safer. It's just it's just safer than feeling really vulnerable and in reality there probably needs to be a good cry with Nell.

 

00:49:10.000 --> 00:49:24.000

He does and I saw that this morning and you know see so what happens is Lola's comes out Lola says these things out of these things that reflect the wounds but they come out angrily and then Bex responds also angrily.

 

00:49:24.000 --> 00:49:32.000

So there's a big, but where if I can just have time alone with Lola. I mean this morning when she was talking to me she actually had tears.

 

00:49:32.000 --> 00:49:39.000

I could tell she had tears in her eyes that she was saying. How come? You get to.

 

00:49:39.000 --> 00:49:44.000

Basically it was about I want more time with you like because I work so much in my with my driving.

 

00:49:44.000 --> 00:49:47.000

Yeah, yeah.

 

00:49:47.000 --> 00:49:53.000

I've been doing like over 50 HA week. So that time together that we used to have, we no longer have.

 

00:49:53.000 --> 00:49:59.000

And when I am at home I'm incredibly tired and I basically just need to like have dinner and go to bed.

 

00:49:59.000 --> 00:50:06.000

So she's Yeah, she's really feeling that and that's where it's coming from.

 

00:50:06.000 --> 00:50:18.000

There you go. So beautiful awareness and I think it's okay for you and Bex to have Perhaps an agreement between each other where it's like, I love you, you know, we're good.

 

00:50:18.000 --> 00:50:30.000

Can you just give me some time to talk with Lola? I can see the tears. So some sort of like whether it's a little code statement or you know, just something where it's like.

 

00:50:30.000 --> 00:50:31.000

Like something where you both know

 

00:50:31.000 --> 00:50:42.000

That's something that I am aware of and I try to get that space partly because I know it's important and partly because I know it's important.

 

00:50:42.000 --> 00:50:43.000

Yeah.

 

00:50:43.000 --> 00:50:44.000

Be present for that. I mean, I don't think it's appropriate for me to be present for that really.

 

00:50:44.000 --> 00:51:02.000

And I don't want to hear it because I don't know. It just I mean, it just magnifies to me that like, I mean, I guess I'll struggle with feeling like I'm a complete outsider in this dyad of Nell and Lola.

 

00:51:02.000 --> 00:51:17.000

And what I wanna reassure you with is again, this is such a common dynamic. When there goes when you have a child that you're sharing time with another parent that moves in full time.

 

00:51:17.000 --> 00:51:18.000

Yes.

 

00:51:18.000 --> 00:51:25.000

So Bex, I really want to validate that for you that of course right now with this transition and the bat like getting kind of attacked.

 

00:51:25.000 --> 00:51:40.000

That you would feel like an outsider and what you're physically seeing in the world seeing because it's on video is that now is comforting you.

 

00:51:40.000 --> 00:51:41.000

Yeah, I mean.

 

00:51:41.000 --> 00:51:45.000

So just. See if you can embody that knowing, yeah. Nails here for you and you are you're unified you're just both trying to navigate a new situation that's challenging.

 

00:51:45.000 --> 00:51:53.000

Oh, I mean, and this is one of the things I find the most hard is when Bex says things like Well, I'm just going to leave.

 

00:51:53.000 --> 00:52:03.000

I'm not, I don't have a place in this family and I just feel like it's so devastated by that because Just family is nothing without Becks.

 

00:52:03.000 --> 00:52:07.000

Yeah, yeah.

 

00:52:07.000 --> 00:52:08.000

Yeah.

 

00:52:08.000 --> 00:52:12.000

I mean, where Like my life would be just. I mean I just can't even bear to think of my life if Bex was suddenly no longer in it, you know?

 

00:52:12.000 --> 00:52:13.000

Yeah.

 

00:52:13.000 --> 00:52:30.000

And I also Feel free for 6 days and then go. Oh, well, I feel that Lola actually Love, I know that Lola loves Bex and Lola values Bex and her life and in Lola's life And I mean, I see the 2 of them.

 

00:52:30.000 --> 00:52:46.000

They cook together. They talk together. They talk like really intensely about issues and stuff that I'm just like, I couldn't even give a fuck, I just want to zone out and go and like a Facebook marketplace, you know.

 

00:52:46.000 --> 00:52:47.000

Okay.

 

00:52:47.000 --> 00:52:52.000

Yeah. Yeah, I get it. And what I wanna say to that is that, well, it's really important for all of us.

 

00:52:52.000 --> 00:53:06.000

No matter how old or young our children are to remember we're the adults in the room. And when their teenage or their child, you know, they come out, it activates our teenage parts.

 

00:53:06.000 --> 00:53:13.000

And it activates our child parts. And so sometimes we can respond as teenagers and be little shits back.

 

00:53:13.000 --> 00:53:19.000

And that's really something to be mindful of in terms of, oh, wow, I'm noticing that I'm activated.

 

00:53:19.000 --> 00:53:31.000

Okay, what did that bring up in me? Well, Nell says, hey, I'm just gonna take some time with Lola backs that's an opportunity for you to go D escalate, take some time to kind of say, what was that?

 

00:53:31.000 --> 00:53:38.000

About you know who does Lola remind me of is that there's something because a lot of times that's what it is.

 

00:53:38.000 --> 00:53:45.000

Where there's this reminder of something said and if you can kind of be curious about it, Curiosity is such a gift.

 

00:53:45.000 --> 00:53:46.000

Hmm.

 

00:53:46.000 --> 00:53:53.000

You know, when I was now, when I was Lola's age, Was there someone that treated me this way?

 

00:53:53.000 --> 00:53:59.000

Was there someone that talked to me this way or around that same age? Well, maybe gosh, I wasn't 16, but I was 12.

 

00:53:59.000 --> 00:54:12.000

And I remember this mean, you know. Get on the playground or whatever. That can start a beautiful process of Love that Bex at 12.

 

00:54:12.000 --> 00:54:22.000

Whether you rock yourself. This is what I love about stemming. We soothe ourselves and just imagining holding that younger Bex.

 

00:54:22.000 --> 00:54:30.000

Just say, hey, we're okay now. I'm this age now. This is, giving that, part of you data.

 

00:54:30.000 --> 00:54:38.000

This is my partner Nell's teenage daughter. I'm not back in this situation. We're okay.

 

00:54:38.000 --> 00:54:53.000

So that you can calm your system down. And feel that clarity that comes. When we do tend and befriend those parts of us that are young and wounded that need us to show up.

 

00:54:53.000 --> 00:55:05.000

Hmm. Yeah, cause I feel like I feel like sometimes like, you know, and I guess it's, I guess it's the autism, the very, the sensory overload.

 

00:55:05.000 --> 00:55:15.000

And, I mean, cause I'm, cause I've been working on like unmasking I guess and then of course I mean that's hard.

 

00:55:15.000 --> 00:55:16.000

Yeah, and masking is hard.

 

00:55:16.000 --> 00:55:22.000

I mean, it's hard. One is like, what is what is the mask? What you know.

 

00:55:22.000 --> 00:55:28.000

Communication wise like.

 

00:55:28.000 --> 00:55:47.000

Going through my realizing that people have been speaking in subtext for decades to me, you know, and then and thinking that everything's everything's loaded with subtext because that's what I've learned, you know, all of those things, but also just giving space for my own sensory.

 

00:55:47.000 --> 00:55:48.000

You know, too much too much sound too much. You know.

 

00:55:48.000 --> 00:56:00.000

Yes. Yes, yes. And also that. Historically, we know that it's our experience to have been bullied.

 

00:56:00.000 --> 00:56:20.000

And Lola is activating potentially those parts of you that are younger that have been bullied. And so our hardware is that sensory overload when it's loud or hardware, our software, those parts of ourselves that are wounded.

 

00:56:20.000 --> 00:56:21.000

I wonder.

 

00:56:21.000 --> 00:56:27.000

That perhaps just need us to show up and comfort and reassure I got you. This is not the this is not the bully at school.

 

00:56:27.000 --> 00:56:28.000

Yes, yes.

 

00:56:28.000 --> 00:56:36.000

Well, your ex-wife. You know who was that's the thing I think that's going circling back as the corporate people say.

 

00:56:36.000 --> 00:56:37.000

Okay, okay. Okay.

 

00:56:37.000 --> 00:56:49.000

Rounding bad. Circling back to an early part of this conversation about about the trauma of being back in Livingston and being in closer communication with my ex.

 

00:56:49.000 --> 00:56:59.000

Who I spent with whom I spent 15 years. Not knowing why I was having meltdowns, not knowing.

 

00:56:59.000 --> 00:57:18.000

I mean, I knew I had trauma, you know, and there was but, but also, you know, I had periods of depression.

 

00:57:18.000 --> 00:57:19.000

Yes, yes. Yes.

 

00:57:19.000 --> 00:57:32.000

But also was being gaslit and you know. You're crazy and you're this and you're that you know and it was on me it was all on me and I mean even all the while this person was and probably shouldn't.

 

00:57:32.000 --> 00:57:47.000

Don't think she'll ever listen to this either, but. And. Not only not knowing that I was autistic, but she had an incredible lack of curiosity about what was actually wrong with me.

 

00:57:47.000 --> 00:57:49.000

Oh, yeah, are going on.

 

00:57:49.000 --> 00:58:01.000

And that's the thing about now is like Well, when my this psychologist that I was seeing because I kept having these meltdowns and I was just, you know, brought it up.

 

00:58:01.000 --> 00:58:09.000

And now I think the first thing was, well, what is to be, you know, just, what is to be gained from exploring this?

 

00:58:09.000 --> 00:58:10.000

Yes. Yeah.

 

00:58:10.000 --> 00:58:21.000

Or whatever. And I had to think about that. Well, what is to begin? And II wanna know, I wanna know what's wrong with me, you know, what's, you know, making me do that.

 

00:58:21.000 --> 00:58:29.000

You know, I wanna know and this is really interesting because I spent years like diagnosing other people in my family.

 

00:58:29.000 --> 00:58:30.000

Yeah.

 

00:58:30.000 --> 00:58:51.000

And this is really interesting because I spent years like diagnosing other people in my family. I mean, informally, obviously, but My father to start with and thinking.

 

00:58:51.000 --> 00:58:52.000

Yep. Yes.

 

00:58:52.000 --> 00:59:04.000

And having sort of relating to movie characters or you know other or other people who We're autistic, but not really thinking that that applied to me because Perhaps too social or you know whatever some or too talkative or whatever I'm talkative I realize because I'm always trying to be really precise I have to talk and it drives

 

00:59:04.000 --> 00:59:14.000

Lola crazy like where you just shut up like I got up the first sentence just it's too much you know and I think you know there is a clash with our neurotypes as well but.

 

00:59:14.000 --> 00:59:20.000

And so compassion for both of you, if there's a way. That the 2 of you could.

 

00:59:20.000 --> 00:59:27.000

You know, find a way to communicate if it's too much for her instead of saying shut up because again that's disrespectful.

 

00:59:27.000 --> 00:59:30.000

Kayla that's disrespectful even if Lola just did this. Right.

 

00:59:30.000 --> 00:59:40.000

Yeah, well we've talked about going to family therapy because we've thought that we something needs to change and our cause Lola's take on it.

 

00:59:40.000 --> 00:59:48.000

Oh well I just have to get through 2 more years and then I can leave home and I'll just leave you and Bex to it.

 

00:59:48.000 --> 00:59:59.000

And obviously There's another way, like we can find new ways of directing that mean that we can have.

 

00:59:59.000 --> 01:00:00.000

Yeah.

 

01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:08.000

A really lovely 2 years together. Before you go off and do it. But the interesting thing about I'm so glad that we haven't got this conversation and what you said Candice about.

 

01:00:08.000 --> 01:00:15.000

The entertaining age are getting activated. I'm so glad that you've heard that from Candice because I've tried to say this.

 

01:00:15.000 --> 01:00:29.000

My own therapist has seen this to me and said this to me years ago. About my own relationship with my then teenager who's now 24 but I think is still interacting with me from that teenage wounded place.

 

01:00:29.000 --> 01:00:42.000

But so my therapist has said, you know, when you when you're dealing with your daughter, this, your teenage self is getting activated and I see it now in relation to not Lola, who's 16.

 

01:00:42.000 --> 01:00:48.000

But in relation to Kai, who's Bix's kid. Who's 16?

 

01:00:48.000 --> 01:00:58.000

I've recognized that very strongly about myself that I get my teenage self gets activations and I respond from a place that isn't centered and grounded and the grown up in the room.

 

01:00:58.000 --> 01:01:00.000

Yes, yes.

 

01:01:00.000 --> 01:01:08.000

But I've said that to Bex and I feel like Bex. Has a not necessarily I don't feel like you've necessarily taken it on board.

 

01:01:08.000 --> 01:01:10.000

Well, it's not I don't think it's that I haven't taken it on board.

 

01:01:10.000 --> 01:01:15.000

I think it's true. I'm not really sure what to do with it. I'm not really sure sort of.

 

01:01:15.000 --> 01:01:25.000

Well, I think that's where we've heard some really good guidance from. I mean, I mean, what it sounds like is you're talking about like nurturing that inner teenager who's you know.

 

01:01:25.000 --> 01:01:27.000

Been wounded, been wounded.

 

01:01:27.000 --> 01:01:32.000

Rather than just to stop it shut up and be an adult not I mean I'm selling my stuff.

 

01:01:32.000 --> 01:01:37.000

Oh yeah, no. Yeah. Yeah.

 

01:01:37.000 --> 01:01:40.000

Just stop it and be a good job. Which is what I have set very unhelpfully at times.

 

01:01:40.000 --> 01:01:43.000

I need, I want to be in a relationship with a person who can be a grown up.

 

01:01:43.000 --> 01:01:48.000

Yeah, and the reality is so if we can be tender with ourselves because we're all human, we say things we regret.

 

01:01:48.000 --> 01:02:02.000

Okay, so please be tender with yourselves. This is where if you're both curious and any of our listeners are curious about internal family systems, this is what we've been talking about today.

 

01:02:02.000 --> 01:02:15.000

Because what I love as an IFS therapist. Is that instead of saying, well, you know, like, Shut up and throwing the, you know, getting the naughty room to my little child parts, right?

 

01:02:15.000 --> 01:02:22.000

It is being curious, you know, I'm just gonna be curious and Wow, you know when.

 

01:02:22.000 --> 01:02:30.000

You know when gosh when someone says something that hurts me well I noticed my chest hurts okay I'm just gonna get kind of curious what's going on there.

 

01:02:30.000 --> 01:02:33.000

Wow, okay, you know that feels what you know. I just kind of tune in. What is that?

 

01:02:33.000 --> 01:02:44.000

Well, that's bringing up a memory of, right? Like I'm saying when I was younger and this happened, okay, can I just tend to and befriend that?

 

01:02:44.000 --> 01:02:50.000

Sensation or that part of me and get to know it. There's lots of books on internal family systems.

 

01:02:50.000 --> 01:02:55.000

One of my favorites is by Tammy Saulenberger called the one inside.

 

01:02:55.000 --> 01:03:01.000

Tammy also has a podcast called The One Inside. And it's just a real.

 

01:03:01.000 --> 01:03:08.000

Tammy's book is written the way Tammy Talks, which is if you listen to her, she's hilarious, but I love how simple it is.

 

01:03:08.000 --> 01:03:25.000

That's how my brain works for concrete I just need scripts and things spelled out. And it is just this real beautiful way of saying like, oh, there's that part of you and that what I like to do after I befriend is Gosh, what do you need from me?

 

01:03:25.000 --> 01:03:29.000

Because for you backstop part and it's not what do you need? What do you need from now?

 

01:03:29.000 --> 01:03:41.000

What do you need from Lola? I know those parts need need us and oftentimes those parts don't actually know one who we are and 2 that we actually grow up and survived what we came from.

 

01:03:41.000 --> 01:03:46.000

So if we start with, it's like some nice parts will just say I just needed to say that.

 

01:03:46.000 --> 01:03:53.000

I just need to just say that I'm hurt and then you go. Oh, I don't feel that anymore.

 

01:03:53.000 --> 01:04:03.000

So it's like just it can be so simple. Right? Or it might be like I just need you like you might hear inside or get a sensation of like.

 

01:04:03.000 --> 01:04:14.000

Wow, I just need to actually take some alone time right now. You know, and it again, parts work I think can get kind of abstract for a lot of folks.

 

01:04:14.000 --> 01:04:23.000

I actually just wrote a chapter with my colleague Meg. Martinez did a Monte for the book, Meg, Martinez Dedamante for the book Altogether Us.

 

01:04:23.000 --> 01:04:31.000

It's a neuro-inclusive approach to to help people understand like there are ways that we can be curious about our parts.

 

01:04:31.000 --> 01:04:42.000

Even if it's just like drawing it out. Or listening to music and going like I'm a very tuned in music and I will have parts like Madonna, I was 12.

 

01:04:42.000 --> 01:04:54.000

I mean, I just think I was cleaning the bathroom at my parents house. I was 12 and borderline Madonna's song borderline came on and I remember it's like I just you know that connects me to those parts of me.

 

01:04:54.000 --> 01:04:55.000

Yeah, right. Not totally.

 

01:04:55.000 --> 01:05:04.000

Do you know what I mean? Or right? It's like, so I just wanna put that out there.

 

01:05:04.000 --> 01:05:05.000

Like.

 

01:05:05.000 --> 01:05:09.000

I mean, clearly we've talked for almost like an hour and a half today, which has just been so beautiful.

 

01:05:09.000 --> 01:05:10.000

Yeah, Yeah.

 

01:05:10.000 --> 01:05:17.000

Yeah, no, thank you. No need to make a face. But just some tips and tools that you know, if you listen to this again.

 

01:05:17.000 --> 01:05:25.000

Just some tips and tools for navigating what so many mixed neurotype couples, so many same neurotype couples.

 

01:05:25.000 --> 01:05:37.000

Are working through which is a change in an environment moving all these life stresses and you know, even like blended family, you know, an angry step kid.

 

01:05:37.000 --> 01:05:47.000

It's like. Thank you both. For being so vulnerable and candid with me and with our audience and also just allowing me to give you some tips and tools.

 

01:05:47.000 --> 01:06:01.000

We jokingly said this is gonna be a free therapy session. But what I love about the 2 of you is we can go here and I actually get a lot of positive feedback because of the the specific, this specific podcast.

 

01:06:01.000 --> 01:06:10.000

That the 3 of us do where it is just this. Conversation where it's like. People are gonna listen and go, wow, okay, this is normal.

 

01:06:10.000 --> 01:06:26.000

Oh my gosh, okay, I love what Nell said. I love how Beck said this. I love what Candice said and I also want to say give you to a shout out because I did a presentation last year and the podcast I took clips of your podcast to show clinicians.

 

01:06:26.000 --> 01:06:32.000

Did?

 

01:06:32.000 --> 01:06:33.000

Oh.

 

01:06:33.000 --> 01:06:40.000

I want you to listen to this mixed neurotype couple and really how badass they are communicating and really I mean so thank you truly for being such a beautiful example of relationships that work.

 

01:06:40.000 --> 01:06:43.000

Oh, thank you, Candice.

 

01:06:43.000 --> 01:06:44.000

My gosh

 

01:06:44.000 --> 01:06:48.000

And that can work. Thank you.

 

01:06:48.000 --> 01:06:49.000

Yeah, you're yeah. Yeah.

 

01:06:49.000 --> 01:07:05.000

You're doing great. Thank you so much. Well, thanks so much for giving us this opportunity because this is the thing like I feel seen because like now, a little bit to Seattle last week and then now, but.

 

01:07:05.000 --> 01:07:06.000

I've heard of it.

 

01:07:06.000 --> 01:07:12.000

No brought me back this book called spectrum and it was it was edited by do you know it it's essays by Sure.

 

01:07:12.000 --> 01:07:18.000

Oh, I love it.

 

01:07:18.000 --> 01:07:19.000

Love it.

 

01:07:19.000 --> 01:07:30.000

People, in their own words. And, And of course, then, you know, the first thing is I get sidetracked because the editor looks like our PA or doc, you know, provider.

 

01:07:30.000 --> 01:07:37.000

And I started talking about her because she's queer and whatever. Yeah. And I started talking about her because she's queer and whatever. And I don't know.

 

01:07:37.000 --> 01:07:41.000

Like, and, and I don't know. Like, everybody's like, oh, and Rebecca's got this big truck and blower and then I was like.

 

01:07:41.000 --> 01:07:48.000

Sweetheart, please seeking from you some acknowledgement of me that I got you this book. And the thing is, I actually feel really seen and really touched by this present.

 

01:07:48.000 --> 01:07:56.000

But then somehow I went off on this rabbit trail.

 

01:07:56.000 --> 01:08:03.000

So I do that too. I do that too. And I want you to know that. I do that too because that's how our brains work.

 

01:08:03.000 --> 01:08:18.000

And so my gentle, just gentle invitation is, can we not be hard on ourselves? We look at it as, oh wow, my brain went took me over here to this red truck story and wow, oh Nell's bringing me back.

 

01:08:18.000 --> 01:08:20.000

And just leave it at that. Just leave it at that. No shame.

 

01:08:20.000 --> 01:08:28.000

Yeah, no sign. 4 or 5 years. But again, you know, now be really hard to know. But again, you know, now be really hard to set.

 

01:08:28.000 --> 01:08:35.000

But yeah, I would, I would have left the room and gone and like set on the floor and g10 my god.

 

01:08:35.000 --> 01:08:36.000

Yes.

 

01:08:36.000 --> 01:08:40.000

Yes, yeah. But instead, but instead Nell said sweetheart, sweetheart, can you acknowledge and then my guess is you said, oh.

 

01:08:40.000 --> 01:08:41.000

Thank you so much.

 

01:08:41.000 --> 01:08:46.000

Yeah, what, no, no, actually said, oh, but this is such a meaningful gift to me.

 

01:08:46.000 --> 01:08:47.000

No.

 

01:08:47.000 --> 01:09:04.000

And I said, well, what you're doing doesn't express that to me. But also I can recognize in that moment but like I have to I have to know that Bix is always coming from that place is always coming from that place of appreciation of gratitude.

 

01:09:04.000 --> 01:09:11.000

Of love for me, you know, like instead of, cause my default sitting I don't know, maybe the way.

 

01:09:11.000 --> 01:09:18.000

I evolved in the world. My default setting is always that. Oh, that person doesn't give a shit.

 

01:09:18.000 --> 01:09:19.000

Yeah, so great awareness and again that maybe also Well, it's a story from a part of you.

 

01:09:19.000 --> 01:09:23.000

Yep. It's gone off for time.

 

01:09:23.000 --> 01:09:30.000

Oh, well, if Tatum's okay with it, we'll go for a few more minutes.

 

01:09:30.000 --> 01:09:31.000

I'm not hearing it. So yes, thumbs up. Okay, cool. Thumbs up.

 

01:09:31.000 --> 01:09:35.000

Yeah, sorry.

 

01:09:35.000 --> 01:09:42.000

Yeah, it's like so couple things, you know, even if you say now, you know, wow, it didn't feel that way.

 

01:09:42.000 --> 01:09:48.000

That's an opportunity for Bex to say, again, this is just resolution just resolving it.

 

01:09:48.000 --> 01:09:52.000

Wow, I'm sorry. Thank you for letting me know. Can we have a do over?

 

01:09:52.000 --> 01:09:54.000

We need the scripts. That's what we need. Yeah.

 

01:09:54.000 --> 01:09:59.000

That's why that's why this is recorded and you can listen to it a thousand times. Because Chris and I do that all the time.

 

01:09:59.000 --> 01:10:08.000

Where it's like. One of us, because it's not just me, right? Sometimes he'll blow it with communication.

 

01:10:08.000 --> 01:10:20.000

It's like we're human. Humans, there's no right way to communicate truly.

 

01:10:20.000 --> 01:10:21.000

Yeah.

 

01:10:21.000 --> 01:10:25.000

So sometimes he'll just you know I'll say wow that was really impactful and he'll say can we have a do over yes let's have a do over let's do it again So we just start over and then it's like we move on from it.

 

01:10:25.000 --> 01:10:37.000

Right.

 

01:10:37.000 --> 01:10:38.000

Yeah, yeah.

 

01:10:38.000 --> 01:10:40.000

Yep. And, and this, and this is the place where I actually do think it was really good that I was you know, went through the evaluation for autism and you know, some answers as to why.

 

01:10:40.000 --> 01:10:43.000

Well, no, yeah. Yes.

 

01:10:43.000 --> 01:10:57.000

I mean, and you know, I just, I what I love about this journey that we're on is I love seeing Bex evolve into their authentic autistic self.

 

01:10:57.000 --> 01:11:06.000

I love seeing Bex evolve into the authentic autistic self. Like they sit in the kitchen now and they'll rock back and forth on the chair, which when they first started doing the rocking, That's quite hard, but now I'm just like.

 

01:11:06.000 --> 01:11:09.000

It's like seeing them speak their own language. Like their indigenous language, you know, it's

 

01:11:09.000 --> 01:11:27.000

Yes. Oh, I love how you just said that because so my my partner Chris is and Lakota, Hawaiian and Japanese, indigenous and when we do ceremony, what I've noticed lately is he started doing this.

 

01:11:27.000 --> 01:11:31.000

And what he's doing when he's doing this is actually channeling. And so I love that you just brought that in.

 

01:11:31.000 --> 01:11:34.000

Right.

 

01:11:34.000 --> 01:11:36.000

It is a language, right? It is a way that we communicate it's a way that we're tuning in.

 

01:11:36.000 --> 01:11:55.000

It's to our bodies it's a way that we're calming ourselves so It's just again you're both evolving and how cool is it that we talked like a year ago over a year ago and look where you're still evolving.

 

01:11:55.000 --> 01:12:03.000

This one is just in the books, huge success. This will always be out there. You too are fantastic, fabulous.

 

01:12:03.000 --> 01:12:14.000

You're close to us. So we really need to just connect. Offline. Yeah, we just need to, yeah, thank you both really truly.

 

01:12:14.000 --> 01:12:15.000

Oh. Dido. Oh, thanks. Yeah.

 

01:12:15.000 --> 01:12:24.000

Yeah. Thank you so much. You are amazing. My gosh.

 

01:12:24.000 --> 01:12:25.000

Wow.

 

01:12:25.000 --> 01:12:29.000

Yeah, thank you both. And yeah, my gosh, this is probably the longest one we've done, which is good.

 

01:12:29.000 --> 01:12:34.000

Yeah.

 

01:12:34.000 --> 01:12:35.000

Thank you so much.

 

01:12:35.000 --> 01:12:43.000

Necessary. Necessary. Yeah, yeah, I have a dear friend that listens to every single one and I guarantee this one they're going to say.

 

01:12:43.000 --> 01:12:44.000

Oh.

 

01:12:44.000 --> 01:12:49.000

That's amazing! So I'll let you know, but. Thank you both. And yeah.

 

01:12:49.000 --> 01:12:51.000

Thank you, Ken. As well.

 

01:12:51.000 --> 01:12:58.000

Yeah, yeah, thank you both and I just wanna say to our audience and our listeners, I say this all the time.

 

01:12:58.000 --> 01:13:06.000

You are a love. Love is the medicine. And love heals. And so can we have more love?

 

01:13:06.000 --> 01:13:16.000

For ourselves and for those around if we can we can heal each other and Gaia and Gaia is in desperate need of that.

 

01:13:16.000 --> 01:13:22.000

So, just have a most beautiful day, everyone, until next time. Bye.