Hope for the Caregiver

Comedian and long-time Sinatra pal Tommy Dreesen tells a wonderful story about Frank Sinatra and a pair of cufflinks. This story has a powerful lesson for all of us, but particularly for those of us serving as caregivers. This and more from our broadcast on March 9, 2024

“None of this belongs to us, and as soon as we die, someone else is going to get it. It's going to transfer. Somebody will be wearing our stuff, driving our car, living in our home, and living on our land.” - Frank Sinatra 

When I launched a caregiver outreach, I established a goal to help provide caregivers with a vocabulary that helped identify their feelings and needs. Without understanding, help remains elusive.  

In this bonus segment from our broadcast, I provide two unusual examples of how caregivers feel on any given day. I do this to not only give fellow caregivers that understanding, but those who seek to help them, as well. 

Covering a lot of ground in this episode as I delve into how we choose to view our circumstances as caregivers in light of what Scripture teaches. 

www.hopeforthecaregiver.com 

For several years, Pat Montague has produced my broadcast, Hope for the Caregiver.  I recently talked with her about her own journey as a caregiver.

“I have learned that leaning on the Lord for whatever he has in store is much more comfortable than resisting, fighting, and railing against what I don't like.

I would have not chosen amputation for my husband, I'll be honest. He had other options that he could have taken, but I was astounded when he made that decision.I didn't agree with it at the time. Now I certainly do.

But leaning into the Lord and saying, Father, whatever you have, I will submit myself to it.

Being willing to do that makes a huge difference in how things come out because they're not the same thing.

You can rail and fight, and you're not going to change your perspective.

You're not going to change your circumstances for any amount of money.

And so yielding and just saying, Lord, have your way and help me to accept it have been huge lessons for me.

And it has not come easy because, yes, I've always known I had that part of my personality that I was willing to go toe-to-toe when I knew I was right.”

TRANSCRIPT:

This is the program for you as a family caregiver.

Healthy caregivers make better caregivers.

Hopeforthecaregiver.com.

You know about that last block, I ought to have a thing where you guys, y'all send us some lyrics for the song.

Maybe we'll figure out which one's the best one, and I'll get Gracie to sing it when she starts getting better.

What do you think?

Because she said, Gracie was very worried.

She said, look, I've got to get my voice into shape.

I said, well, you've got time, darling.

You're just now three months out of surgery, so give yourself a little bit of grace here.

And yet, it would be kind of fun to have her sing this song.

This is the theme for Peter's show.

All right, enough of that frivolity and jocularity.

I've been having a conversation ongoing with several different caregivers in the midst of their caregiving and I've challenged them and I'm going to challenge you because I've challenged myself.

I do not subscribe to this belief that we as caregivers wait until the circumstances of our loved ones change before we start changing.

You all know that.

If you've listened to this show for any amount of time, you're going to know that the point is that we change no matter what's going on around us.

That we can improve.

We can get healthier.

And I recognize that we are constrained

by Our Journey As Caregivers.

I get that.

I really get that.

Now, let me give you some context.

I've been a caregiver since I was 22.

I asked Gracie to marry me when I was 22 years old.

Bless her heart for her lack of judgment.

But here we are, 38 years later.

During that entire time, I have been her caregiver.

Now, some days have not been quite as dire as others.

And then some days have been extremely dire.

I mean, when you have the kind of journey we've had.

So at some point, and I can't remember exactly when, but I had to make a pivotal decision that this is not going to change.

So therefore I must.

I kept thinking if we could just get around that corner, if we could just get over that hill, then...

I can be settled and content and learn to be productive.

This is what's holding me back.

And so we've got to get through this.

And I would strive towards this.

I'm not by any means proud of these things.

I mean, I'm horrifically embarrassed by it.

But I'm sharing these things with you because I believe that so many of you have those same kind of feelings.

If we could just get through this, if he would just stop doing this, if she would just stop doing this, if we could just get mama onto Jesus, if we could just, if, if, if, if, if, then I could be productive, then I could be at peace, then I could be successful, all of those things.

Now, if I'm the only one that has had this internal conversation

So be it.

But I don't think I am.

All right?

So if you've had this internal conversation, then I'm talking to you.

Okay?

This is for you.

This is just you and me now.

Two people who have had these types of thoughts that have weighed heavy on us and it's changed our behavior.

It's forced us into a pattern of

striving and and unsettledness unrest angst that is at times overpowering okay so just so we're on the same page just you and me all right here's what happened with me once I made that decision that this is my life this is the way it is it's not going to change anytime soon

I cannot affect what has happened to Gracie.

I didn't cause it.

I can't change it.

All I can do is care for her in this.

And the best way to care for her is to make sure that I am productive, healthy, spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially, professionally, all of the above.

You've heard me say it now hundreds of times.

Healthy caregivers

Make better caregivers.

I am no good to Gracie if I am fat, broken, miserable.

I am no good to Gracie if I stroke out.

I cannot guarantee that things won't happen to me, but I live my life in a way to protect that so that I don't take unnecessary risk.

The other day I went out on a snowmobile after feeding the horses.

I feed the horses on, I have a little sled that I pull behind the snowmobile and I feed the horses, pull the hay out there and it's great.

Quite enjoyable, I must say.

And then I decided to take a ride around just to check out all the new snow and everything else here on the place.

I texted our son and I said, look, if you don't hear from me in an hour, call the guy down the road.

His name is Kevin.

He'll come out and he'll come find me.

But I told him where I was going.

Well, now, a lot of people don't think that way, but I have to.

Gracie can't

Take care of yourself right now.

And she needs to know where I am.

Somebody needs to know where I am in case something happens.

Things can happen out here in Montana on the frozen tundra.

There's no lifeguard on duty.

So I don't take stupid chances.

This Mental Shift Changed My Journey As Caregiver

But the purpose of this conversation right now is not to say that I am constrained because I don't feel like I am.

I am tethered.

I am tethered to this situation with Gracie and I have been since I was 22.

That's not going to change until one of us steps into glory.

Okay?

Those are the facts.

We're just going to deal with facts.

I am tethered to this, but I'm not hostage to it.

I'm not prisoner to it.

And I think this is the mindset that I would like for my fellow caregivers to understand is that we can accept that we're tethered, that this is part of it, but we're not hostage.

And within the arc of that tether, whatever that looks like for you and me, we can be productive.

So if you think about it is I have a tether to my ankle that's tethered to Gracie's wheelchair.

I will stretch that thing out as far as I can to be as productive within that circle around her.

And sometimes I have to move her so that I can have a bigger circle.

And I've done that and that's okay.

But I'm not hostage.

I don't spend my time trying to figure out how to cut the tether.

What I spend my time doing is how do I be productive given these particular realities in my life?

That was a huge mental shift for me.

Some people don't want to make that shift, and I get it.

Some people don't want to do that.

That's fine.

But I believe that there are many of you who are seeking something like that, who recognize that you're in a situation that is unchangeable,

And again, I've said this, I don't know how many times, I would love to tell you that I'm wise.

I would love to tell you that I'm spiritually mature, but we all know better.

I'm just tired.

It is exhausting to strive like this.

And when you get tired enough, you will be open to look at this from a different perspective.

Well, maybe this might be a better way to look at this.

You know, whatever that looks like.

And for me, that's exactly what happened.

And I realized that my invitation was to be productive where I was.

I love Jeremiah 29.

Everybody talks about Jeremiah 29 11.

This Mental Shift Changed My Journey As Caregiver

In Jeremiah 29, if you go back and read it, God is saying through Jeremiah, hey, look, I put you here.

The Israelites were in captivity in Babylon, and he said, you're not here to sit there and lament about this.

Build your house, plant your vineyards, get married, have kids, have grandkids.

I know where you are.

I know the plans I have for you, but you're going to stay right here until I'm ready to move you.

Preachers don't want to talk about that particular aspect unless they're having overcrowding problems at the church, because that's when people start to leave.

Nobody wants to hear that.

They want to hear God's going to get me out and give me my victory, give me my breakthrough.

He's already given you your breakthrough.

That was at the cross.

Now we're going to have some more understanding about this and that you can be productive right where you are, even as a caregiver.

And I will give you proof.

I've been a caregiver again since I was 22.

I have written four books, published books.

I have written hundreds of commentaries that have been published in Fox News, WebMD, USA Today, AARP, all kinds of stuff.

I have the nation's largest podcast for caregivers.

I think, from what I understand, the world's largest podcast.

I have the world's largest broadcast here on this network for family caregivers.

I have managed a medical nightmare that is well over now $15 million.

with a hundred plus doctors, 13 different hospitals, seven different insurance companies.

And it's ongoing.

It's relentless.

I cook, I clean, I do the laundry.

I can, I iron, you know, y'all know I love to iron.

I love to iron.

I ironed a shirt this morning just to be able to come here to do this program.

I have produced two full length CDs.

I've written songs that not only have Gracie and I performed, but other people have recorded.

I have performed on stages with Gracie all over the country, on national television, all the above.

And I've done all of that while a caregiver.

Now, is it because I'm so special?

Well, I don't think so.

It's because I choose to believe the principle we discussed in the last block when that guy said at the caregiver support group, he's got this, answer the question.

Deal with the reality in front of us knowing that he's got this.

and it frees me up.

I don't have to strive over figuring out how this is going to all make sense.

I don't have to figure out how to solve Gracie's amputation problem or chronic pain problem or surgery problem.

I don't have to figure that out.

I can be productive today.

I don't have to wait to get over to the next hill.

I can do something today that has value.

Trusting that God's got this and it's okay.

Do you realize the burden that takes off of all of us?

And so I challenge you.

Many of you feel constrained and I get that feeling.

I truly get it.

I truly get it.

But what would happen if you just shifted that thought process just a little and thought, maybe I'm not constrained, maybe I'm just tethered, but inside this ark, God knows where I am and I could be productive and trust Him with all the other.

I can be obedient right where I am.

I can bloom where I'm planted.

That is hope for the caregiver.

This is Peter Rosenberger.

We'll be right back.

Recently, at a caregiver support group I lead, a man who is caring for his wife suffering from Alzheimer's, shared how she repeatedly peppers him with the same question. 

"I sighed for a moment in my heart," he said. "And then I said to myself, 'He's got this; answer her question.'" 

 Listening to him, I thought, "What a tremendous statement of faith; to look at somebody who is suffering from Alzheimer's who asks the same question over and over ... and over.

He stopped himself from getting agitated and preached to himself.

"He's Got This. Answer her question."

That's a worthy goal for all of us to aspire to incorporate in our lives: recognizing that God has this, and we can meet others where they are - not where we wished they could be. 

People become disoriented in the journey of caregiving.

How's that working for you?

How's that working for any of us?

It's like we have this stick out in front of us, dangling this carrot of things going how we want them to be, but we can never get to it.

And we're constantly striving for that because we see it.

And if it would just be this way, we'd be okay.

But see, that's the kind of thing promulgated in our society.

That is the conventional wisdom of this world.

"Get What You Want, Get What You Think You Need, and You Can Be Settled in Your Spirit, and You Can Be Happy, You Can Be Content."

That is in direct opposition to what Scripture teaches.

"Life hands us very difficult things.
How we deal with those things and how we work through those things is what this program is all about.
We do it in the arena of being a caregiver."

One of the greatest thefts to family caregivers comes from our own hearts. We often steal from the moment to regret the past—or fear the future. Although yesterday’s events may have arrived with tears and trauma, today remains an opportunity to calm our hearts and deal with current circumstances. As caregivers, we all know our tomorrows most likely show up with challenges—but unexpected joys may also arrive.

Surprising beauty awaits us along the way, yet we are sure to miss it when our focus extends behind or in front of us. None of this eliminates the grief we carry. However, healthily living in the present allows us to mourn while simultaneously resisting the fear, rage, and despair that often erupt during caregiving.

Although our independence, relationships, career paths, and even dreams inevitably suffer in our caregiving journey, peace of mind remains solidly in our hands. No one has the power to rob us of that composure—except ourselves.

We know what we are but know not what we may be.

—William Shakespeare

From:  A Minute For Caregivers - When Every Day Feels Like Monday

In 2nd Samuel, there's a remarkable story about a man named Mephibosheth.  

Caregivers often find ourselves in the unenviable spot of needing to confront or provide leadership to people with far more skills and training than we possess. One of the ways we can navigate those times is by learning to ask better questions. Another is to educate ourselves. As we face the new year, I talked about those things and more. 

Waffles and Well-Being

From extended hospital stays surrounded by faceless people in masks to longer nights where loneliness and fear serve as companions, caregivers remain prone to feeling adrift and disconnected. 

Longing for recognizable landmarks that signal safe harbor, caregivers face the challenge of “re-anchoring” themselves—often in a storm. But it doesn’t have to be complicated. During my wife’s surgeries in Denver, I stepped into a Waffle House near the hospital. I love Waffle House. I grew up going to Waffle House, but we now live in Montana, and there’s no Waffle House in the whole state!

In Denver, where I knew few people, everything required learning and adjusting. But stepping into the local Waffle House, familiar sounds, sights, smells, and tastes flooded over me. For a few minutes, I reconnected and felt at home. Grabbing a take-out order, I took it to the hospital to share “the familiar” with Gracie.

While we can’t always change the disorienting circumstances we find ourselves in, we can find new ways to connect to things that settle our hearts. Sometimes, it’s as simple as a waffle—with pecans (and chocolate chips for Gracie!)

 I have always loved Waffle House. It’s been like an oasis in the desert many times late at night after one of my concerts. —Trace Adkins

From: A Minute for Caregivers - When Every Day Feels Like Monday

“Happy New Year” can often feel perfunctory and even meaningless in the caregiving world. Most of us know that January 1, 2, 3, etc., usually brings the same challenges as the previous week and year(s).
Yet, although our responsibilities may not change, we can.
While many fall into the trap of ambitious but unrealistic New Year’s Resolutions (I usually give mine up for Lent), caregivers can instead determine to live rather than just survive.
Living, however, requires risks. Life is perilous—despite our culture obstinately working to mitigate all risks (thank the lawyers for that). Isolating to avoid disease, injury, rejection, or failure is no way to live. Nor is avoiding death the same as living.
From gardening to music, anything that involves life, art, and creativity comes with the risk of failure, as do relationships, business ventures—and caregiving.
This year, I intend to push myself to learn, try, accomplish—and even fail—new things. History teaches that risks and heartache remain unavoidable, but joy is a choice.    

“It ain’t dying I’m talking about, it’s living. I doubt it matters where you die, but it matters where you live.”  —Augustus McCrae, from Lonesome Dove (Larry McMurtry)

Grammy Award Winner, Dove Award Winner, Artist, Songwriter ... and Caregiver, Laura Story joined the program to share her story, thoughts, and how her life as a caregiver. 

laurastorymusic.com

A demoralizing point for many family caregivers lies in unmet expectations, hopes, and dreams. We often visualize what could be—but things beyond our control are roadblocks. Ashamedly, I admit to attempting control and trying to force things on more than one occasion—only to frustrate myself, my wife, and (many) others. Letting go of those hopes and expectations, however, can be painful. Over the last few years, I’ve tried a different approach. In my mind, I envision a rather large container I call “The Box of Things That God Will Have to Redeem.”

Offloading those items, losses, heartaches, and disappointment to God reduces my angst and the potential for resentment. 

For me, the box is genuine and reflects my faith that God will indeed redeem each of those things—He’s better at carrying them than me. Saying that “God will have to redeem” does not demand the Almighty to act; it simply recognizes that He alone has the power to do so. Of course, the temptation to retrieve items and stew on them often grips me. Yet, I can affirm each time I place them back in the box, I grow less tempted to dwell on them.

After decades of trying to carry the impossible, I find I breathe easier and live more peacefully when trusting God with all the broken pieces. Remembering Jesus was a carpenter further bolsters my faith—knowing He doesn’t even waste the sawdust. 

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. —Revelation 21:4 KJV

From - A MINUTE FOR CAREGIVERS - When Every Day Feels Like Monday. How many caregivers put themselves through unnecessary stress trying to re-create Christmas traditions?

While a tree, decorations, meals, and gifts remain important, too many allow trappings to eclipse the season’s meaning. Sometimes, the fear that this may be our loved one’s last Christmas pushes us to ensure everything is perfect. But what have we accomplished if we’re exhausted or resentful by December 26?

One of the great joys I’ve experienced living in Montana is the opportunity to slow down. When we lived in Nashville, it seemed we raced around at breakneck speeds. The Christmas season there seemed frenetic on a good day. Here in Madison County, I am learning to move at the pace of the weather, the people, and the odd deer, elk, or cow on the road.

If, as Andy Williams so spectacularly sang, “It’s the most wonderful time of the year,” should we not savor Christmas rather than suffer through it? The decorations don’t have to look like last year’s. The menu may change, and the gifts may be more personal than opulent. The time we spend with one another and reflecting on the season’s meaning brings more value than our labors or purchasing powers. Nostalgia doesn’t spread Christmas cheer—hearts do.   

May we not “spend” Christmas or “observe” Christmas but rather “keep” it. —Rev. Peter Marshall

I recently did an interview with Seth and Deb Quad Cities radio (Moody).

In this interview I provided the background of how Gracie got to where she is and what sustains us through this.

From "A Minute for Caregivers - When Every Day Feels Like Monday."

The Comfort of Gratitude

Resentment can lead even the best of hearts into poor judgment, wrath, and even self-destruction. For caregivers, the fight against bitterness remains perpetual. Maybe family and friends left us out to dry, a bad medical call, an employer fired us in a vulnerable moment, or a drunk driver who caused incalculable pain—there seems no end to the opportunities to hold a grudge. Some caregivers even resent themselves, while others shake their fists at God.
Regardless of the resentment’s object, the one who carries the hatred pays the highest price.
The only antidote to the poison of resentment is gratitude—the “…virtue from which all others spring.” Gratitude always leads to peace of mind, but bitterness only swindles serenity by deceitfully making us feel powerful in our wounded hearts. 
Thanksgiving is not simply a meal—nor even a holiday; it’s a way of life that refuses resentment’s tyrannical hold on our souls.
While incurred wounds are real and painful, they can only fester when we nurse them with the septic cloth of resentment. Thankfulness washes those wounds clean and allows them to heal. 

The soul that gives thanks can find comfort in everything; the soul that complains can find comfort in nothing.

—Hannah Whitall Smith