Professional Contestants

As sure as the days grow longer and the temperature creeps higher, the Summer of Summers will return to the feed of the Professional Contestants. Once again we find ourselves facing a game show made for childen, that we as grown men are extremely capable of winning. We just need to place our intelect into something that can actually participate in the game. Something like a Boy Bot. A Boisterous Boy Bot. And if he isn't Bashful then he'll Bash the competition. We're sorry.

Zach openly dislikes Ryan Seacrest, Jared dreams up a wonderful Itallian story on the spot, and Adam purports to be a maze expert.

Talking Points Include: The Summer of Summers, Summer Vibes, Perpetual Consenters, Which Candy Land Character Are You, A Low Slime Rating, Muddy Pokemon Maze, Wheel of Fortune Current Events, Buongiorni the Fruit Vendor, A Non-Bashful Boisterous Boy Bot

Every great spicy wing eating competition consists of three parts or acts. The first part is called "The Pledge." The chef shows you something extremely spicy: a hot wing doused in bright red sauce. He shows you this object. Perhaps he asks you to inspect it to see if it is indeed really, truly, spicy. But of course... it always is. The second act is called "The Turn." The consumer then takes the wing and eats the entire thing. Now you're looking for the discomfort... and you'll find it, because of course this hot sauce is absurd. You want to see them sweat. You want to hear the hiccups. But you wouldn't clap yet. Because eating something spicy isn't enough; you have to keep it down. That's why every spicy wing eating competition has a third act, the hardest part, the part we call "The Prestige."

Zach explains his bumpy tongue, Jared will not accept Melissa McCarthy as his Ursula, and Adam once ate spicy wings for medicinal purposes.

Talking Points Include: Talking Points Include: The DJ Stylings of Diesel, Flame Protected Milkshakes, Potentially Unnecssary Paramedics, Dirt Identifying Tongue, Picasso's Wing Period, The Prestige Spoilers, The Spiciest Sauce We've Ever Eaten, Wing Bearers

The fog rolls in. The engines rev. You wait in anticipation for the life sized Hot Wheel of your dreams to drive out onto the stage. Slowly, it emerges... Pete Davidson. Sure, you may be dissapointed at first, but this boy is about to transform into either a car or a monkey. Either way, we think that is a good enough idea to earn us $25,000. Anyway, go see Transformers: Monkey Business - only in theaters.

Zach owns too many Hot Wheels, Jared loves the tiny Japaneese trucks, and Adam is incensed by the Transformers marketing campaign.

Talking Points Include: Alcoholic Sunny D Taste Test, Our Foo Fighters Collaboration, Talents for the Queen, Terry Crews Does a Lot of Nothing, Spoiler Alert, Snape Poops His Pants, The Pinewood Derby, Transformers: Monkey Business, Pete Davidson The Car

Who among us can truly claim to know the innerworkings of a centaur. There has to be some stuff going on in there that we humans cannot even fathom. However, we don't have to understand it to know that those guys would be great at jousting. Horse and man, together as one, cannot be stopped. Now all we have to do is find a witch to turn Jared into one.

Zach searches for a local witch, Jared is going to stop half-way through his Animorph, and Adam is Speckles The Horse.

Talking Points Include: Losing the Derby, Centaur Anatomy, The Top Model Barn, A Knight's Tale is Real, Horse Memories, Don't Get Tobiased, Horse Potion, A New Bad Pokemon

Masterclass. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? Famous experts in their field teach online classes to whoever wants to pay to recieve the knowledge. But why not take it one step further? Let these experts work together to teach entirely new crossover subjects. For example, Clarinet Songs to Gamble To on a Cattle Drive: by Kenny Rodgers, Kenny Loggins, and Kenny G. Or, How to Convince a Canadian Game Show Host You're An Immortal Eldritch God Who Has Seen All of History: by Wishbone, Encino Man, and The Observers from Fringe.

Zach is stuck in the sound mixer, Jared is the last place mother's boy, and Adam was fooled by Fringe in 2009.

Talking Points Include: A Mother's Day Masterclass, Not Enough Hacker, Top Gun: Moo-verick, Christ Time, Wishbone's Time Travel, Man Made Caves, A Three Pronged Attack, Our Historical Trademark Pose, Hang In There Baby

You don't have to be married to play along with a "Newlywed Game" type of competition. You don't even have to be dating. You could just be two friends who know a lot about each other and want to test that knowledge. Hell, you could both be Batman and all of your answers are just about how you have Alfred do everything for you. Whats that? Did I lose you on that one? Doesn't matter, now give me my iPod shuffle and get these spaghetti stains out of my bat suit.

Zach dreams up a new Luther Vandross single, , Jared got passed over for the moon expedition, and Adam quizzes Zach and Jared in The Newlywed Game.

Talking Points Include: A is for Armstrong, Cameos for Space Travel, Earn Every Kiss, 90s Taco Bell Ass, Baby Bear The Cook, GruelHaus, The Dracula Response, Whatever Alfred Gives Us

Not all game shows are kooky, over the top, wild rides, ok? We love a silly show as much as you do, but we did make an oath to conquer EVERY game show, and that includes the ones that are just charades. Like, seriously. This one is just charades. But just because this show is entirely a bad party game, that doesn't mean we can't get the newly crowned King of England and some monster trucks involved.

Zach wants hot dogs at his coronation, Jared wants a suckling pig at his coronation, and Adam wants a water slide at his coronation.

Talking Points Include: The Capn's 60th, Jimathor Buckets, Squantum Lipa, Dirty Nasty Water Foul, Honey I Shrunk The King, Operation Golden Orb, Coronation Cookout With Katy Perry, The Fattest Rabbit Wins, Monster Chuck

As usual, in this episode we go on quite a few tangents involving tornados, curds and whey, chili five ways, etc. However, this time I want to really make sure you all understand that those silly side bars do not detract from the severity of the situation that Jared finds himself in. He really needs your help, PLEASE give him the answers to this game show. His aunt has the Gom Jabbar held right up to his neck. She has killed before, and she WILL kill again!

Zach believes he can eat a gargantuan amount of cottage cheese, Jared doubts the perseverance of fast food chili, and Adam edits out all of the moos.

Talking Points Include: Our Cool Stunts, Genuine Cows in the Studio, Midwest Tornado Culture, A Modern Miss Muffet, Oh Yeah We've Got Chili, A Two Toilet Dunkie, The Ganja Bar, I Space Believe It's Not Butter

We, the Professional Contestants, have taken an oath to find a way to win every game show ever. You know this. We know this. Yet somehow we still find ourselves blindsided by the occasional very bad, very old, very cursed by a mummy game show. You would think we'd have learned by now. Why am I bringing this up now? No reason... Anyway, here's Haggis Baggis.

Zach wins the Best Joke of the Podcast award, Jared finds Albert Einstein to be entertaining, and Adam delves into some Norse history.

Talking Points Include: Hanukkah Speedrun, Fish Math, Git-R-Done In Alaska, The Game Show Mummy Curse, Haggis Baggis Etymology, We Don't Know George Burns, Old People Chicken Dinner Preview

We here at Professional Contestants are on the cutting edge of technology, infrastructure, and innovation. Through our unique outlook on the world, we are able to dream up concepts that others' minds are unable to achieve. Now... yes this one does happen to just be a 300 mile long toaster, but we really think it's gonna change the world!

Zach explains why comedy is funny, Jared really loves a Mr. Peanut joke, and Adam comes up with a groundbreaking new mode of transportation.

Talking Points Include: Three Exotic Trips, Humanity Runs on Dunkin, Bergeron-ing Comedians, Designing the Next Great Vehicle, Conveyor Belt Pirates, It's A Bagel Cooker!, Doula Breathing, What We WONT Do to Win, eBaum's World Lives

I KNOW we say this often but this game show really could be solved with a Rumpelstiltskin themed plan! Then again it could be a Macduff plan. Or a Little Man plan. Or a Rip Van Winkle plan. Or even a secret twins plan. You're confused, I get it, but this mistake of a game show requires some real lateral thinking if we are gonna steal $10,000 from a newborn baby.

Zach poorly describes how a c section works, Jared eagerly awaits the return of the woolly mammoth, and Adam gets a phone call.

Talking Points Include: Sauna Techniques, An Emergency Phone Call, Old Man Fantasys, Ambush Game Shows, Financially Literate Tarzan, The TLC Show Game, Kate vs. Kramer, A Rumpelstiltskin Situation, A Rip Van Winkle Situation, A Little Man Situation

Listen up everyone! Don't be alarmed, but we are going to do some sins in this one. Nothing too crazy - just the fun ones. It's ok, sometimes it's necessary to do bad things in order to, in the long run, do good things... like win money on a game show. That's what life is really all about, right?

Zach is great at guessing the seven heavenly virtues, Jared wants a Mamma Mia, and Adam pretends to know what poppers are.

Talking Points Include: Finding Meaning in Our Dreams, Last Minute Officiant, The Sin Bin, Renaming Planets, Snake Drugs, Doing All the Fun Sins, The Seven Opposite Sins

Once a year you may find yourself looking at the sky and you'll notice that all the stars have gone. Well that's because they're all down here with us... but they're at the Golden Globes or the Oscars or something. They're DEFINITELY not at this boring basement house party that the USA Network filmed and called a game show. But with a little help from these three party boys, we just may be able to make this party a hit.

Zach won a regional community theatre award, Jared claims he ate an olive, and Adam hasn't seen East of Eden.

Talking Points Include: The Stars Are Here With Us, The Jackie Chan Award, Click Clack Moo, Basement Party Vibes, Brad Pitt Eats The Train, Ice Sculpture Party Logistics, Wordle With The Taliban, Casey Kasem Got bin Laden, Cajun Shrek

Welcome to our holiday episode! No, it isn't late - we just maintain that the holiday season continues through Epiphany, meaning we just like to make jokes about the three wise men. Anyway, whatever holiday you are celebrating this winter, join us for discussion on gift wrapping etiquette, how we must stop James Cameron, and somehow... even MORE Harry Potter bits.

Zach tracks the episode's PG rating, Jared establishes some new gift wrapping rules, and Adam ruins the magic of a montage.

Talking Points Include: Avatar Watch, The Uncanny Trench, The Gifs of the Magi, More Harry Potter Jokes, Novelty Gift Wrapping, Bags vs Wrapping, Rocky is in Sonic Now, Master Splinter Causes Drama, Capitalist Performance Art

We tend to talk about Harry Potter more than we should on this podcast, but a Harry Potter themed game show? Why, that would give us the excuse to talk about it for a full episode. We could even reveal to you all the canonical fifth Hogwarts House: The House of Hagrid. Wait no... The House of Aragog... Or was it The House of Jones? It doesn't really matter. By the time you realise it isn't true, we've stolen The Sorting Hat and are already on the run!

Zach thinks of a better way to free Dobby, Jared declares that Harry Potter is in the public domain, and Adam worries about The Sorting Hat's personal life.

Talking Points Include: Prescription Panera, Jock Strap Resale Etiquette, All Sally No Jack, Surprise Jay Leno, Remember This Couch, Which House Are We, The Secret House of Jones, The Sorting Hat and Dobby: Odd Couple, Aragog The Insurrectionist

What do the United States Supreme Court, the soul of Mister Ed, and Adam Sandler's film career all have in common? Truly nothing, but we still somehow managed to talk at length about each of these topics in this episode. These bad MTV game shows always bring out the best in us. Anyway, get ready to be strapped to an arm chair and have snacks poured on your head while a bunch of stereotypes ask you trivia questions, because late 80s MTV was a wastoid teen going through puberty in the form of a television network.

Zach has watched no recent music videos, Jared gets spanked by the supreme court, and Adam ponders the soul of Mister Ed.

Talking Points Include: A Speed Update, Fastest Kid in the City, The Golden Era of MTV, Reaching Across The Crack, Prize Raps, Music Video Philosophy, Revisiting Top Gun, Mister Ed Soul Transfer, Adam Sandler: A Serious Director

There's a secret to being a pop music sensation that many people don't know about. We here at the Professional Contestants, however, have cracked that code, and we are here to share it with you. I mean, sure we are also going to use it to our benefit by distracting a bunch of celebrities to win at a charity event, but you can know about it too. Lean in close now... Young. Hot. Uncle. Thank us later.

Zach thinks some of the pilgrims were alright, Jared has a great mental attitude, and Adam needs to find a young hot uncle.

Talking Points Include: Not All Pilgrims, Thanksgiving Hot Takes, Celebs Steal Our Strats, Hitting The Ball Hard, Yuncles, #MaureenWon, Lauper Copter

You wanna know what sets us apart? Some wildly popular and well known podcast hosts only give you one "experience." I won't say who... but OUR podcast will give you a bit of his experience, and also many more experiences. This one's got a Brigham Young Experience, a Jared Padalecki Experience, and even a Zippo The Dinosaur Experience. Take that, you unnamed American UFC color commentator, podcaster, comedian, actor, and former television presenter.

Zach thinks he can fake a street performance, Jared wants Joseph Smith to release the plates, and Adam is faster than the average human.

Talking Points Include: Bayou Boys, June Is Here, Thank You NutBall, Hot Takes on Joe Rogan, The Mormons' Fine China, You Look Fast, Street Crossing Etiquette, David Blaine's Witchcraft, Drunk People Love Magic, Jared Padalecki X Zippo

Happy Snake Day! As is our burden once every year, we return to you having viewed the next unfortunate installment in the Saw franchise. Did we finally find a Saw movie we enjoy? Well... let's just say we were happy to have the final few entries in the Apple Orchard Monster saga to talk about afterward as a palate clenser.

Zach want's everyone in Saw to wear a nametag, Jared encourages deep breathing and clear thinking, and Adam tries (and fails) to correctly use a classic theatrical term.

Talking Points Include: We've Got Jump Scares, Our Snake Day Costumes, Saw Keeps Getting Worse, Rocky Bababooey, The Obligatory Kramer vs Kramer Joke, We've Got Mail, Apple Orchard Monster Ends

We tried to take a break from strictly spooky vibes today in favor of something just a bit more fall themed, but the scariest things aren't always ghosts and ghouls. Some may say the scariest thing is damnation, and these Punkin Popes are gonna be sure this pumpkin goes to Heaven.

Zach builds catapults every year, Jared plans to save the pumpkin's soul, and Adam want's to hack a drone into the pumpkin.

Talking Points Include: Pre-Saw Blues, Chianti-o's, Apple Orchard Monster Continued, Forbidden Fruit of the Loom, Redneck Engineering, Our Bad Catapult Experience, Our Good Catapult Experience, Pumpkin Rapture