The Joan and Jeff Show

Monday: In the car trying to get off site, we’ve made it from field to road and we’re making good progress. Darren’s very pleased with his TT’s four wheel drive. We almost have a crash. Darren explains why we didn’t do a Sunday podcast – because the rain was finally getting us down. The Chemical Brothers had lasers and a guy behind us collapsed. The rain means that you wear more clothes and these weigh you down. Darren goes on about his hat some more and its chick-magnetism. We went back to Slippery Dick’s Love Shack where a pretty good band were playing, Darren is planning to do a DJ set there in 2008. I ended up dancing with The Arctic Monkeys, or rather I ended up dancing with their girlfriends. Steam is coming from Darren’s car – suddenly we’re out of the site! Back in Liverpool, we drove via Cheddar Gorge. We unanimously vote The Cat Empire as our highlight of Glastonbury. Because of the rain we didn’t experience all of Glastonbury as we have before. We’re both pretty drained now. We’re going to The Big Chill, so email us if you’re coming too on joanandjeff@mac.com A big thank you to Lynn.

Saturday: We’re at the Jazz stage drinking Brothers Pear Cider waiting for Rodrigo & Gabriela amigos. We’re not sure if you’ll be able to hear us and Darren thinks the MP3 recorder looks like cylon. What should we call this podcast. Brothers Pear Cider is really strong. We saw Incandescence, a weird Middle Eastern circus. Darren’s bought a T-shirt (look at the picture). The T-shirts are made by a company called Supreme Being. Daren’s brought an uncrinkler for his T-shirt. We’ve got showers. Darren reckons that there are more old people at this year’s Glastonbury and we discuss theories to explain this. It’s also very crowded this year. Some people come past saying “Shmee” for some reason. Some people have special spots in the audience, just like some people who have special seats in pubs.

Friday: We’re in the crew area Green Room, Darren thinks that there aren’t enough young women here … but wait a minute. I still can’t remember common sayings. We complain about the band taking too long to soundcheck. We saw Sandi Thom earlier and constructively criticise her set, then we discuss how Amy Winehouse is sexy, but in what way? We loved The Cat Empire, they did a great set on the Avalon stage, and got the place really dancing. Then we saw Hot Chip at the John Peel stage, a long walk through deep mud, and the sound was really bad without many dynamics to the performance. We let you hear a little of the green room band.

Thursday: Sitting in the tent in the rain … do apples clean your teeth? And is toothpaste too minty to put in your mouth before sleep. Darren’s foley, or folio sound effects. We have a laugh at the Italians. We could be in a tent in the rain anywhere in the world, how can we prove we’re in Glastonbury. We talk about the Glastonbury storms on the Thursday night 2005 and how they flooded the green room and ruined our breakfast. More apple sound effects. We had a good night at the crew bar “Slippery Dick’s Love Shack” where we danced to a track called “The Funkiest Man Alive”, if you know who recorded it please email on joanandjeff@mac.com. Darren’s got a hat! Lots of girls are eyeing up his hat … especially at portaloos … they’ve got hat envy. Learn how to do our jobs at Glastonbury, we give all the top tips … how to use a brochure. Where is the Vice Bar, nobody seems to know? The Pyrotechnic show was such a disappointment and where were the fireworks. I can’t remember the phrase “grasping at straws” and Darren’s apple is bigger than when he started eating it. We recommend that you see the non-music events at Glastonbury – I guess by now you’ll know not to trust us having heard what we’ve just been saying. I’m clearly a big cissy. Horror movies without music, they’re no good. We describe some acts from Trash City at Glastonbury. Darren’s got to get up for work early and it’s late right now.

A special Easter 2007 show, sorry we've not been podcasting for a while, here goes: I didn't like Danny Boyle's new film "Sunshine" and Rob thinks the whole premise of the movie is daft. If you're a physicist email joanandjeff@mac.com to explain fission to us. Danny Boyle loves himself and told me that a spoonful of the sun weighs a ton . Rob wants to talk about Global Warming ... anthropomorphically. We argue about pollution and conclude that all humans should be wiped out. Eric Idle is more successful than Joan and Jeff. Pollution is bad but hydrogen cars explode. Rob makes up a ridiculous story about people being buried alive in Southport. I tell a story about a taxi driver with haemorrhoids. Rob has no confidence that we're being recorded. Back to the taxi driver's piles. How to separate superglued fingers. Back to "Sunshine" and a song dedicated to Danny Boyle. I end up talking about my favourite move, "Alien". The phone rings and we discuss cold calling.

Shout out to Weetootwaag. We’re drinking Becks lager today. Rob has actually listened to previous podcasts and read some of your mails. I was drinking on the train and got looked at disapprovingly by an old lady. It’s illegal to drink in the streets of Britain and Ireland now, I tell about our encounter in Dublin. I’ve give Rob a present … and he’s disgusted. I try them and they are disgusting. Rob’s song is called “Big Fat Shapely Shitter” and I’m disparaging about it. Let us know what you think. Rob went to see Bernard Manning. My holiday in France cycling from Nice to Nimes. Because Darren’s so frugal we had to eat in supermarkets and drink cans of lager on the street like tramps. Rob makes up French beers. Rob knows someone even tighter. People who turn off their car engines when going downhill to save money. Vaseline. Rob’s sister’s in Lanzarote. Rob’s relationship with Debbie is over. Should we have to fight for our women? Should we have to prove that we love our partners? Howard Jones. How tall is the Empire State building? Are emotions digital? Gandalf’s white horse. My right testicle is too big and I’m scared to go to the doctor. Rob feels awkward. Rob tries one of the strawberry laces, but he says it’s stale.

The missing second half of the birthday show. More wine tasting. We’re still confused about what episode it is – will we ever learn to count? Can you guess the identity of the “It’s nice,” catchphrase? Why are sausages called bangers? I’ve lost Brian Marquis’ photo … then I find it. Rob’s shiny trouser advice, then he messes with Mr. T. I’ve swapped to beer tasting. We impersonate Jean Michel Jarre … badly. I describe a glitch music concert. I get a text message from my mum. “Just be sensible!” we tell our cycling story. Rob’s relationship woes. American love us Brits so we test our knowledge of American geography. Sea level. Rob says “You know,” a lot. Infinity vs infinity. Rob’s pans. My dad’s theory of molecular chemistry. Sea level again. We’re proud of our crap statistics. Freddy Parrot-face Davies. My five year cut-off. Al Pacino is back. Rob’s singleness is pulling the show down.

We think it’s show 16 but it’s actually show 15. We have a glass dilemma and decide to toss for it. We’re drinking Chateau Frederic, why don’t you go and buy a bottle and join in our tasting. I’ve got proper red wine glasses and everything. We’ll postpone the tasting for ten minutes to give the wine a chance to breathe. Stella’s mum’s secret toilet paper. We appeared in the Bionic Genius podcast again – this time they used our music, which was nice of them. Afternoon T played us insulting him on his podcast. We’re going to [Bracket This] tonight, or perhaps it’s called Bracket [This]? Come to the Big Chill festival this summer and meet us. I’m going to see an opera in a sewage works but Rob thinks that Oprah’s going to be there. Oprah’s book club. Richard and Judy. Rob thinks it’s gay to moisturise. Finally, the wine tasting. I don’t like strong wines. Rob’s stories about Kalms, sherry and lemonade. We hate people who think they’re ‘mad’. You don’t have to be mad to work here, seriously, you don’t. Does unreliability equate to madness? My new CD player. Rob’s scratching impressions and a birthday present confession. My juicer. Rob thinks he’s lost weight, will this lead to him meeting a woman at [Bracket] This?Apparently Rolf Harris gets lots of shags. Rob’s love life. The Pet Shop Boys. I’m a basketball genius and then tell a pointless story. This house is on fire for one femtosecond. Rob’s castanets and oral acrobatics. BBC3’s film competition. Damo Suzuki is playing in Liverpool next week with Zukanican, hooray. Drunk drivers are bad.

We improvise some intro music. The plumber’s coming. I can’t remember who we’re shouting out to so I go get the laptop. Rob hates James Blunt and transforms him into a chicken. Shout out to Alan of Bionic Geniuses who sent in his photo, which is on the web page. It’s my birthday show so Rob gives me a shit birthday present. Rob tries to make me into an agony aunt – this section is really bad. Dancing sentences. Someone pushed me around in a club. The dance of death. Seventies dances: the dying fly, the pogo, headbanging. Making yourself faint. Rob first got drunk at the age of seven. I tell how I stole our dog’s valium at the age of five. Rob tells his tale of valium. There was a guy on the radio who wanted to be a serial killer. We’re drinking wine because it’s my birthday. Rob talks about the people who have been made ill during drug trials. Rob’s puns are really getting on my nerves. Rob claims one guy’s head swelled up to three times its normal size. I tell the amazing story of the discovery of tomatoes. Mr. No-Smoking and moisturisers. Pepper. Shout out to Brian Marquis who is not from the Bionic Geniuses and he’s sent us his photo too so it’s on the web page. I try to cut of Rob’s nose with some scissors. Rob thinks this show is shit.

We pretend to be a radio show masquerading as a podcast - I explain that I started a discussion on Podcastalley saying that radio presenters don't belong in podcasting, but I've changed my mind now ... fickle or what? My phone rings ... twice ... in quick succession. Happy Slapping - does this happen in the US? Rob tells the stories of Laughing Boy. Which leads on to tales of bike riding while on drugs. I tell the story of when I was happy slapped. Are you trespassing if you're in a railway station without a ticket? How to avoid drinking. Rob talks about his trip to the library ... fascinating! What happened to George Best's liver and should smokers get lung transplants. Rob thinks that nobody in New York smokes, is this true? Answers on a postcard to joanandjeff@mac.com please. How to have fun in a tent at a music festival. Rob keeps clicking his fingers because he doesn't trust the computer to stay in record. More train stories. Monkeys on drugs.

Rob's not ready. Apparently I'm a slave driver!!? We talk about Rob's acting ... check him out at Triggerstreet.com and search for "Extreme Close up". Debbie phones in but she doesn't like being on air, Rob then reveals that he has her breasts on his cell. I tell about Rob being a bastard on the previous, unreleased show. Rob's can of beer smells like burnt rubber and chimps turds. We tell how the two lead actors went on a bender last night. Rob does a Morrissey impression! We explain that the Philharmonic Pub in Liverpool has the nicest urinals. Roadkill is where artistic young people go. Chat up lines. Rob sings … oh my god, no! Then he starts doing his Jeremey Clarkeson impression. I make Rob sick by tugging on my nostril hair. Shout out to Mathew Taylor of Afternoon T. His photo is on the web site. He claims he has the 3rd worst podcast of all time. The computer stops recording again. We do a Madonna impression. - badly. Are Madonna's legs made of newspaper? Finally we finish the story of Rob's dead body being thrown down a drain! Rob goes for a piss and pissesth like a horth. Apparently 2oz of muscle turns to fat after you're 30! I think Rob's having a mid-life crisis. I messed up videoing some girls playing football. We tell a story from a previous film. I get high and mighty about alcohol - don't do it! Rob explains why God has abandoned us all.

We think it's episode 10 but it's actually show 11. We try to shout out but my phone rings, how unprofessional, Rob stops the recording for the first time ever. Finally we shout out to bionicgenius.com. Hangover cures: milk thistle, irn bru, japs liver salts and the full english breakfast. Shout out to Wetootwaag's Podcast of Bagpipe Power - he's the first listener to send us a picture so his photo is on our web page. I've also put up the picture of the weird smiling gatepost that I saw. I compare Rob's approach to life to the alchemists. Rob tells stories aboout supply teaching but this leads onto a chat about having worms which leads to Herman Melville via Moby Dick and then on to punching robots. Why does alcohol cause personality changes? Rob has written a theme song for the show but I won't ever let him play it. What's the optimum length for a podcast? Rob's biker story produces a sequence of words containing "og". Shampoo lies and pills that change your hair. Is Dick Cheney a form of sado-masochistic torture. I reveal Rob's fetish for the ZX Spectrum.

After a very drunken and angry night we scrap the recordings and start again the next morning. Rob doesn't realise we're in record at first but then asks if our listeners will send in photos so that we can see how gorgeous you all are. Rob thinks that I'm nasty to all of you as this slowly turns into Gordon's spleencast. Rob explains what Milk Thistle is and reveals that I was a bastard last night. We discuss my orgone accumulator and then get into a very boring, geeky conversation about my MIDI keyboard. It turns out that we've forgotten what alcoohol induced memory loss is. We have a good laugh at Elvis Costello's tremolo invasion and Rob talks about losing his penis again.

A Burns night special! We explain why we've been off the air ... and then accidentally erase the second half of the show! Oh well, we're a bit pissed. It's Burns night so Rob does a bagpipe impression. I tell Rob how the Tipsy Chicks have been criticised. I go on to read Burns' poem "Address to a Haggis" which Rob insists I translate into English ... unfortunately this is where we accidentally erased the rest of the show and we start blaming each other. Rob's quite pissed off I think, but he goes on to explain his nicotine replacement therapy and claims that he names all of his cigarettes. I tell a strange story of youth hostelling and Rob connects tinnitus and smoking with his penis dropping off. He then confesses that he'd like to get pregnant.

We're confused about how many episodes we've recorded and we guesstimate that this is episode 7 ... incorrectly, because it's episode 8. Rob claims that Sandra Bullock is the source of all clap in Hollywood, we perform Steve Reich's Clapping Music ... badly. The world's worst human beatboxes and Rob attempts to impersonate the Tipsy Chicks. I accuse Rob of being racist. Do all women masturbate? My terrible impersonations and Rob's dalek impersonation followed by his Hannibal Lecter as a dalek impersonation ... there are a lot of impersonations in this show! Rob claims to know a cannibal and I keep hitting the microphone. The confusedly drunken story of how I lost my laptop and Rob suggests that I might secretly beat up small children.

Are we projecting? This is the second half of show 6, I'm posting it early because I thought you might be wondering what happend at the end of the previous one. I praise the DragonsTrilogy. What words must Rob never say on air? Musical chairs, farters, being hit in the balls and my French teacher who masturbated in class. That leads to an argument about conjugating the French verb venir, which leads to the story of my French teacher who used to masturbate in front of the class.Rob is hairy all over, the story of Joanne's shit, it's good, but I ruin it. Horrible thngs to do to drunk people, we argue about the pronunciation of math. Email us on joanandjeff@mac.com

We return to our normal format, me and Rob, pissed baring our souls to the microphone. It's sad but it is funny. We discuss dreams and our dicks, I piss on air, we visit Anthony Gormley's Another Place, I'm off to Tunisia all of a sudden, Rob's pathetic question list, what words should never be said on podcasts, and more

Two mates in Southport get drunk and bare their inebriated souls to the microphone, it's sad but it's so funny. This week we continue getting drunk with the Tipsy Chicks who re-christen us "Attention-whore" and "Rob-the-Nob". We discuss pubic hair and American men amongst other things. Don't forget to email us: joanandjeff@mac.com

Two guys get drunk in Liverpool (rob didn't pay his phone bill so he got his broadband cut off) and it's sad, but it's so funny! The Tipsy Chicks guest on our show. This is part one, part two comes soon ....

Two mates get drunk in Southport and bare their inebriated souls to the microphone. It's sad but it's so funny! We finally found episode 2 so here it is.