Welcome To The Suburbs

Gabe the pup takes a trip to Florida with Andy and Jennifer. Without realizing it a webcam is his babysitter.  

Greg’s sister wanted to use webcams to keep the caregivers hones but didn’t realize you pay for storage enter Girl Math. A way of justifying the spend on anything from Starbucks to Costco sandwiches. 

Scarface rugs sold in gas station parking lots around Indy. Who buys them and does Al Pacino get a residual check from Scarface Rug guy for the use of his likeness. 

Both of Greg’s parents die within eleven days of each other. He becomes an event planner and his sister begins using girl math to plan the wake. 

Different than the day Greg’s stepdad died and the funeral home sent Curly and Moe to take the body. 

Episode 30 touches on life, Death and Taxes. Please share the laughter with a friend. Sharing helps us grow. Passing laughter is better than sharing the flu. 

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My dad built a home on a scenic wooded lot on a ravine. Then he became obsessed with the oak and hickory nut trees, their leaves and squirrels. Rants by the bushel basket. 

Andy practiced his FM DJ voice on a seat Nazi at a YES concert who determined he didn’t have the right to sit in the seats he bought. He’s telling me this while enjoying an orange milkshake. They make orange flavored milkshakes?

Someone stole my credit card number and went on a tennis shoe shopping spree in Atlanta. Apparently they had big feet, expensive taste and I hope they match the orange jumpsuit they’re wearing while drinking orange milkshakes. 

Andy and Jennifer unknowingly rented a place in Mexico near the presidential vacation home. You don’t want to block in the Toyota pickup trucks with machine guns mounted on the back. 

Season 2 Episode 29 of Welcome to The Suburbs is ready for download. Share it with friends. We’re available everywhere you enjoy podcasts. 

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It’s hard to believe we’ve been releasing new episodes of Welcome to the Suburbs Podcast for a year! This is our Valentines Day episode. Nothing says, “I love you,” more that eating homemade brats for dinner, dying parents, or yet another traffic violation. 

We round out this episode with celebrity love and fun facts about Lindsey Sterling, the dancing violinist. Yep that  Lindsey. Andy didn’t send her a Valentine card, but she is on his Christmas card list. Season 2 of Welcome to the Suburbs. Please share a laugh with those you love. A card gets tossed, but laughter spreads endorphins. 

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Jennifer has 2 lbs of hardware that spans her spine from top to bottom. She subtracts 2 lbs at weigh in because it’s not diet related. 

Andy was preparing for their trip to Rome when he noticed his renewed passport listed him as female. Does he travel to Europe in drag or drive to Chicago last minute to revise his revised passport? Plus other stories of being the dumb American in Rome. 

50% of Greg’s time is spent as his mom’s caregiver. She’s reached the point with her dementia that she’s wearing diapers and needs 24/7 care. Dark humor lurks around every corner of his 7-day shifts. In this episode it’s Apple Watch VS reality and creative ways to wear depends. 

Episode 27 is ready for download. Please help us grow by sharing it with your friends and family. 

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Andy finds himself at the center of an FBI sting operation as the cast a net to capture a guy who is bootlegging Time Life 4 disc sets of music. Andy cooperated and they catch the guy as he picks up the discs then calls from prison to say, you’ve ruined my life. 

Awkward moments as you discover you’ve been mispronouncing a common word your entire life. For Jennifer it was serrated knife. For Greg, it was spelling the word your “highness”. Andy’s take, that makes you sound stupid.  Greg’s response, yes it does. 

What do you do when your spouse wants to go to a concert of organ music? You befriend the bartender and enjoy wine from the bar with the music in earshot

Greg resorts to counseling to overcome the negativity his sister brings to their caregiving partnership for mom. Her nastiness crept into his mind while her works, sleeps and even intimacy. He talks about the disconnect between he and the pharmacy as he tries to pick up a prescription of viagra. 

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‘Twas the night before Christmas and in Andy’s house there is a note to Santa with practical gifts that only a precise child wants, except maybe a protractor unless that was included in the 5 piece desk set or the label maker.

Meanwhile, Greg was at his grandmas house for dry Turkey and gravy made from sage, flour, more sage, milk and some extra sage. After 60 years of the sage gravy the family voted for another gravy. His sister stepped up to the plate to make an equally overpowering gravy with thyme. 

Picking Christmas trees, Christmas guilt and a Christmas badger make appearances in Episode 25 of Welcome to the Suburbs. 

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One of Andy’s first jobs was scaling the steps at Riverfront Stadium schlepping snacks to fans at Reds games. No bat stretchers or diplomas were required but good cardio, calf muscles, and barking were recommended. 

Greg’s first spring break trip without parents didn’t require cardio, but IndyCar pit crew skills became a necessity. As if multiple tire changes weren’t enough the trip took an ugly turn when he was handcuffed on suspicion of murder while hitchhiking to buy tires. 

State Fair freak shows are a thing of the past. That’s a shame because Joe and Mary could have a side hustle for sure. 

Held at gun point while in college Greg talks about negotiating tips he learned on the fly after he was abandoned by his friend. 

Exciting and humorous stories from college in episode 24 of Welcome To The Suburbs. 

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Andy’s in the recording session takes an ugly turn when he accidentally shatters the neck of his client’s favorite 12 string guitar. Years later it was brought back to life. Life, life!  Give my guitar life!  No bolt in the neck like Frankenstein. 

It was a normal holiday weekend of playing with the kids. Keely was at work. They decided to pretend they were skiing on rollerblades. An emergency trip to the dentist ensued and the rest of the story is a family legend. 

Andy was invited to a Bob & Tom Golf Outing. It was the last time Tom played golf. Why?  It had to do with a ball, a pond, and a slice… of comedy. 

All here and more!  It’s Welcome To The Suburbs Podcast at its finest!

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For the last year as we’ve talked about my sister and I taking care of mom, Andy has asked me about the org chart. I’m baffled by the need for one. I’m also baffled by the need to be in charge when it comes to family responsibilities. How about working as a team to move the ball forward?  My sister has to be in charge and when she doesn’t get her way, she says things like she wishes I was dead…because that’s how motivational speakers teach leadership, with threats and name calling. 

Carly and I went to Farm Aid this year. Katy Perry’s hair color, rock star outfits and terrible dining voices dominated our conversation. Keely teases me about my questions about coordinating outfits. A conversation Neil Young and John Mellencamp have never had about stage clothes. Carly thinks I’m a boomer for caring about their outfits. I don’t care. I appreciate they’ve given me something to mock on our podcast. 

We’re back to the org chart to finish out the episode and my decision to go to counseling to understand how to manage conversations with people who have borderline personality disorder. Life has sent a slug of those people into my life and they’re descending on me like zombies. I’ll use my FM DJ voice and pepper spray…just not indoors around people. So I have to lure them outside with fresh meat, the spray them…or not. Download episode 22 of Welcome To The Suburbs and laugh along with my solutions.

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Something was eating my grandma’s tomatoes. Was it an insect or animal?  My brother aimed to find out and find out he did when a skunk took exception to being singled out. 

Years later the phelps women wanted chickens which meant they’d become mine. Day one of tending the chickens for Carly while she was gone. I came upon a murder scene. A hawk came to dine at Carly’s chicken coop. Tears and more tears ensued because suburban chicken farming isn’t about eating the chickens. 

Andy asked about my dad’s KISS rant and we went totally off the rails. One thing is clear, my dad either doesn’t like KISS or he doesn’t want to be kissed by Gene Simmons. Clear as mud?

It’s Episode 21 of Welcome To The Suburbs! Come along for the ride. 

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Andy was working with John Mellencamp during the Crumblin’ Down sessions. He shares a story about John being raised by his grandmother. She was feeling old and told Jesus they were ready to come home. John said, hold on grandma!  I’m not ready. I’ve got a lot more livin to do!

One morning this summer, as it was getting light, I noticed a pair of women’s legs standing by a tree in my front yard. The rest of her body was obscured by leaves. So, I couldn’t tell who she was. 

I walked outside to see what was up and she’s mysteriously disappeared. In her place was a Tupperware container of cat food. I looked up to find a cat stuck in the tree. I grabbed the ladder from our garage, rescued the cat without being clawed. 

The woman came back, still obscured by leaves. I walked around the house to meet her, she’d gone again. No sign of her in any direction. I kept the Tupperware lol. 

Andy’s mom makes different casseroles with the main ingredients being cream of mushroom soup and rice. When she added shrimp to that mix for dinner, Jennifer couldn’t stomach it. She needed a plan B. Not wanting to hurt his mom’s feelings, Andy climbed out of the bedroom window, like a jail break and went to McDonalds. We had a great time recording episode 20 of Welcome To The Suburbs. Enjoy!

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Since COVID customer service seems to be optional depending on your negotiating skills. Andy’s tactic includes using the angry customer voice. Greg chooses FM disc jockey voice that somehow morphs into begging. 

In Episode 14, Greg joked about how he’s a magnet for Conservation Officers and their ticket book. In this episode Andy talks about negotiating his way out of a ticket with ease. Greg has gotten out of tickets, but it always includes faxing, FedExing and other forms of hazing by the DNR. If you can’t laugh about it, you’re taking life too seriously. 

Grab your favorite beverage and a snack. We hope you enjoy Episode 19 of a Welcome to The Suburbs. 

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Episode 18 of Welcome To The Suburbs is packed with stories of food. Is Chicken Knuckle soup really a thing? Jennifer catches the wrath of a lunch lady when ordering a panini of all things. How we get there and what makes food funny is part of this week’s journey. 

We also stop for a visit with Greg’s dad. He’s challenged with moving from dial up to DSL even though we are living in the era of fiber optics. Stubborn people and the battles they choose! lol 😊

Enjoy this edition and don’t forget to tell a friend about us. Sharing laughter is a great way to be and it helps us grow the podcast!

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In episode 17 of Welcome to The Suburbs Greg and Andy laugh about the psychology behind Halloween costumes and amateur fireworks displays. 

Then there are the awkward recording sessions with clients who have copious amounts of ambition and zero talent. 

The best, big fish story ever told. 

In high school Greg and his dad take a trip to Acorn,  Kentucky in search of the cabin where he was born. They meet cousins who live in the hollars and have a very different way of living that has to be seen to believe. 

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A famous comedian said, Life is what happens on your way to pick up the dry cleaning. So true.

 It’s the detour taken by our Uber driver on the way to the airport. 

The people you encounter on flights. 

The Airbnb accommodations and chance encounters with animals and people that color each day. 

Andy and I visit the comedy of travel in this episode of Welcome To The Suburbs 

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Greg buys a 100 year old cider press and sustains a lingering injury in the non contact activity of making apple cider. The injury has him searching through their linen closet, Keely’s vault for lotions, ointments and pills. He’d bleed out before finding a bandaid. 

Greg’s injury leads to a conversation where he talks about a dermatology appointment where the casually dressed doctor was more interested in seeing below the belt than the mole on Greg’s head. 

Andy professes his fandom for Danica Patrick or is it Milka Dunno… or is it both if they’re at each other?

Andy was passed on the inside by a guy who wanted to be first at the med check because he needed an STD screening. 

In college Greg paid a guy to sneak him into a Rolling Stones Concert in Detroit where the opening act was Carlos Santana. 

Have you ever delivered a eulogy?  Greg talked about delivering one that went so well, the minister couldn’t follow him. The guy was so rattled, the family asked for their money back. Did they get the refund?  Find out in episode 15 of Welcome to The Suburbs. 

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So how many times do you think you’ve been pulled over, 100? That was Andy’s question to me after I described the many times and reasons that I’ve been pulled over by conservation officers. It’s over 20. Throw in random traffic stops, the total is closer to fifty. It’s been a running joke in my family since my high school days. I’m not careless. It’s some type of karmic debt. My friends alway had a way with words. They always got off with a warning. When I get pulled over it’s like the ticket has been written, they just need a name to complete the transaction. Then my car or boat comes into view and the rest, well you just have to hear it to believe it. In episode 14 of Welcome to the Suburbs Andy and I talk about my knack for being pulled over and stories from his honeymoon and Greg lives a coming of age movie at the lake during his junior and senior year of high school

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I’m not sure why we named this episode, Episode 13. People are a little freaky about number 13.  I’m not superstitious, Andy isn’t either. But hotels don’t have a 13th floor. 

Since we stayed with the number maybe we should release it on Friday instead of Monday. 

Maybe we should name it Rhode Island in honor of the 13th state rather than giving it a number. 

In Greek Mythology Zeus was the 13th and most powerful God. We could name it Zeus. 

The moon has 13 phases in a year. Apollo 13 didn’t do to well with their visit there, but they made it back to earth and it was a pretty good movie too. This episode doesn’t leave the earth, but it’s funny. 

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Shout out to Boardman, Oregon!
Andy helps Greg find the humor in caring for his mom as she slips further into dementia. How she gets lost in her shirt as she puts it on, thinks the stairs in her home lead to a secret passage, and her sudden love for the 70’s band Foreigner leave the guys with tears of laughter. 

Andy has a portfolio of signs to remind himself that the soldering iron is on or the back gate is open.  His Alzheimer’s starter kit. He also relates that audio engineering is 10% technology and 90% psychology as they laugh about awkward moments in the studio. 

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What happens when you give a dementia patient meds in a pill container with Monday-Sunday compartments?  They forget they took the pills, what day it is, and if it’s night or morning. So they eat all of them at once like they’re jelly beans. 

Greg’s family tries 3 versions of the same method. All 3 result in their mom eating all of the meds at once. Sweet irony that the definition of insanity is being applied by dementia caregivers. 

Andy’s parents medicated the kids every time they went on family vacations to Florida. The kids were in Benadryl comas offering the parents a peaceful drive. 

If you tell a friend of the opposite sex you love them, with no context of what that means, do you think it could be misinterpreted?  Unwilling to believe that his affirmations of love have been misconstrued, Greg’s friend starts searching the internet for medical conditions that explain why he’s getting the cold shoulder from his neighbor friend after using the L word. 

It’s all here and more in Episode 11 of Welcome To The Suburbs

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