Bleep Bulimia Episode 14 with LaurieAnn On Bro and Sister Code Triggers
I have long since had a trigger, and when I was bulimic it really was one that triggered my episodes. Anger, frustration, feeling not good enough because I was a woman, feeling that if I made a mistake in front of a guy, I wasn't good enough. I remember reading about "penis envy" and I really didn't feel that way. I liked being a woman, however I wanted to be able to comfortably be with men. The macho guys didn't inspire me, the narcissists made me feel inadquate, and at the time I didn't realize that they were hiding behind their own insecurities.
It seemed to me that men put down women for their own power and feeling in control. That control made me feel out of control. I let them get to me. I would watch some of my female counterparts be able to navigate that realm of balance. I wanted that. However I wanted it so much that I would put myself down because I was always putting myself under the wrong light. What I wanted I finally got, and when I did, I wasn't even aware of it because I was still looking outside to the rest of the world.
I had that relationship that was just right at a not right time of my life. I couldn't see. I was so overwhelmed with a 15 year marriage break up, a struggle to try to prove myself to everyone, that I didn't see everything beside me.
Bro and Sister codes separate humanity in all aspects of the word. Any singled out code of some form does. There is only one code book. I know that now, and I live by it instead of trying to be accepted in the ones that clearly define different worlds. We all live in ONE world.
Although it can trigger me at times to this day, it is not as strong of a trigger and I am learning that it's best to look at those who need their specific circle codes to be ones who need to belong in one particular group. I realized I personally belong in a vaster world. And one where I have to be accepting of those who are in a smaller one. This is not a negative. This is an observation.
Someone once said "you are the only one that has the finger on your trigger. It's up to you if you are going to pull it or not". I look back on that and I know this is truth. When a feeling or circumstance makes me feel like it is a trigger I go back to that and it's my choice. Meditate, relax, and understand - it's a choice. Let them be, and you be you.
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How To Have Your Cake & Not Eat It All Too - A Guide To Adult Bulimia Recovery
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