How To Be an Anti-Racist in Adoptive Families with Lanise Antoine Shelley

"It's vital to feel a sense of connectivity to your name, to your environment, and to the people that you choose to love." - Lanise Antoine Shelley

If you're an adoptee who's feeling a constant sense of disconnection and confusion as you try to fit into a world that doesn't fully understand or appreciate your unique transracial adoptee experience, then you are not alone! Many adoptees may find themselves struggling to navigate their identity, grasping at societal norms and expectations that do not align with their true selves. Despite their efforts to assimilate, they may still face rejection, ignorance, and a persistent feeling of being othered. This painful reality often leads to a deep yearning for acceptance and a strong desire to reclaim their authentic identity, free from the confines of societal expectations.

And if you're an adoptive parent in an interracial or intercultural adoption, open your heart up to some possibly uncomfortable but extremely important truths about race in this episode.

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In this episode, you will be able to:

• Deconstruct the dominant narratives in adoption and evaluate their impact on the adoptee community.

• Learn about the significance of adoptive parent education in cultivating a nurturing environment for adoptees, especially interracial or intercountry adoptees.

• Embark on a journey of self-recognition and celebration of identity as a transracial adoptee.

• Gain tools to become an anti-racist and make a big difference in your family and/or community.

• Understand the importance of the feedback channel from adoptees, ensuring a conscious and accountable parenting approach.

My special guest is Lanise Antoine Shelley

From the vibrant landscapes of Haiti to California's suburban tapestry, Lanise Antoine Shelley's journey transcends geographical boundaries and cultural transitions. Engrossed in the world of arts as a skilled actor, director, and painter, she deftly weaves her personal narrative of adoption into her work. Born in Saint Michel, Haiti, and transracially adopted in the USA, Lanise's intimate narrative strikes a chord with every adoptee struggling to reconcile their adoptive and biological identities. As the host of the podcast 'When They Were Young," she's amplifying adoptee voices and highlighting the importance of reclaiming one's identity. Her unique insights and empathetic approach provide an indispensable resource for transracial adoptees searching for belonging, and for adoptive parents who are open to learning new tools.

The resources mentioned in this episode are:

• Connect with Lanise and access the resources at her website: www.laniseantoineshelley.com

• Check out the podcast "When They Were Young: Amplifying Voices of Adoptees" hosted by Lanise Antoine Shelley for more insights and stories from adoptees: https://www.laniseantoineshelley.com/podcast

• Connect with Lanise on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/youngadoptee/

• Hear a podcast episode about the Enneagram and adoption: https://theadoptionconnection.com/episode-85/

• Access practical guides on black hair care and transracial adoption by Isaac Edder. Get 15% off by visiting the show notes of Lanise's podcast: https://www.laniseantoineshelley.com/podcast/episode/7b0cc622/ep-58-isaac-etter-founding-identity-to-equip-parents-and-empower-children

• Consider the impact of the better life narrative in adoption and challenge the assumption that adoption automatically provides a better life for the child. Hear Angela Tucker's " The Adoptee Next Door" episode on this topic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01TNSVVan4Q

• Check out the classes for transracial families at Adoption Mosaic: https://www.adoptionmosaic.com/

• Look up resources from Dr. Chaitra Wirta-Leiker, transracial adoptee, psychologist, and author: https://growbeyondwords.com/

• Find an adoption therapist through Dr. Wirta-Leiker's Adoptee Therapist Directory: https://growbeyondwords.com/adoptee-therapist-directory/

• Read How To Be an Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi: https://www.ibramxkendi.com/how-to-be-an-antiracist

• Read White Fragility: Why It's So Hard for White People to Talk about Racism by Robin Diangelo: https://bookshop.org/p/books/white-fragility-why-it-s-so-hard-for-white-people-to-talk-about-racism-robin-diangelo/9008090?ean=9780807047415

• Watch the documentary Rabbit-Proof Fence: https://www.amazon.com/Rabbit-Proof-Fence-Ningali-Lawford/dp/B009ZM76J2

Other resources:

 

• APtitude Support Group for Adoptive Parents Facing Adoption’s Challenges: UnravelingAdoption.com/APtitude

• Other Parents Like Me - oplm.com 

• Heather Ross - Life Coaching for Parents who have a child struggling with addiction: https://heatherrosscoaching.com/

 

Connecting with Haitian Culture
The journey of embracing and reclaiming one's cultural identity is a foundational aspect of personal development, especially for transracial adoptees. These individuals often face a complex maze of cultural identities, one related to their biological family's heritage and another to their adoptive family. Recognising, understanding, and enhancing this unique cultural blend is crucial for an adoptee's sense of personal identity and self-awareness. In that light, Lanise opens up about her journey to embrace her blackness and reconnect with her Haitian roots. Despite growing up in a predominantly white community, she only encountered fellow black individuals as friends once she reached middle school. It wasn't until college that she began to consciously immerse herself among proud and educated Black individuals, a step that spurred her self-love for her skin, heritage and identity. Her story can inspire listeners to seek connections with their ethnicities and passionately embrace their cultural diversity.

The Origins of Antiracism in Adoption
Over the years, the adoption community has embraced the concept of antiracism. This perspective involves actively identifying and opposing racism in all its forms, whether systemic or individual. This stance is not about passively avoiding discrimination but actively working to dismantle it wherever it is encountered. However, understanding the roots of racism in adoption and its historical context is a crucial part of sensitively navigating this subject. Lanise shares a startling revelation that the system of adoption was fundamentally designed to uphold white supremacy, with roots in ethnocentric imperialism and colonialism. By referring to films like Rabbit-Proof Fence, she elaborates on how children from suppressed communities were forcibly taken away in efforts to dilute their culture and blend them into the dominant white society. This realistic portrayal served as a stark reminder of the power imbalances and exploitations in history, which subtly continue to affect the adoption ecosystem today.

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Unraveling Adoption is produced and hosted by Beth Syverson

Music written and performed by Joseph Nakao

Email questions or comments to Beth@UnravelingAdoption.com

Find us on Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube

Support Unraveling Adoption on Patreon: Patreon.com/UnravelingAdoption

www.UnravelingAdoption.com

 

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Timestamped summary of this episode:

00:01:30 - Lanise's Adoption Story,
Lanise shares her adoption story as an intercountry transracial adoptee from Haiti. She talks about being adopted by a missionary in Haiti and growing up in a predominantly white community in California. She also discusses the importance of reclaiming her name and embracing her blackness in college.

00:05:04 - Connecting with African Culture,
Lanise talks about her connection with African cultures and traditions, including her deep involvement in African dance. She shares her experiences visiting Senegal and feeling a sense of belonging with African people.

00:07:28 - Holding Adoptive Parents Accountable,
Lanise discusses the importance of adoptees holding their adoptive parents accountable for any missteps or lack of support during their adoption and upbringing. She emphasizes the need for adoptive parents to acknowledge the grief and trauma adoptees experience.

00:09:51 - The Better Life Narrative and Adoption Realities,
Lanise challenges the "better life" narrative in adoption and highlights the realities that many adoptees face, including abuse, neglect, and racism. She urges for more awareness and support for adoptees' experiences and struggles.

00:17:04 - The Limiting Belief of the Better Life Narrative
The guest discusses how the "better life" narrative in adoption does not support the adoptee or the birth family, but only encourages the adoptive parent. This mindset commodifies the adoptee and can be seen as a form of human trafficking.

00:18:30 - Healing Modalities and Therapy for Adoptees
The guest shares her healing modalities, such as meditation, yoga, and holistic living, as well as the importance of therapy. Finding a therapist who is a black interracial adoptee has been instrumental in her healing journey.

00:19:52 - Parenting and Continuing the Relationship with the Adoptee
The conversation emphasizes the importance of ongoing work and a deeper, intimate connection between adoptive parents and their adult adoptees. Parents should continue to be present and supportive, understanding that they are not entitled to intimacy with their child.

00:26:11 - Challenges of Transracial Adoption
The guest highlights the need for adoptive parents to offer overt support and engage in conversations about race and racism. The experience of transracial adoptees is vastly different, and parents should prioritize their child's sense of belonging rather than asking them to fit in.

00:32:16 - Taking Action and Being Proactive in Antiracism
The conversation emphasizes the importance of being proactive in antiracism, rather than just passively supporting from the sidelines. White parents of transracially adopted children have a responsibility to initiate conversations,

00:34:21 - The Origins of Antiracism in Adoption,
Lanise discusses the proactive and essential nature of antiracism in the adoption constellation, noting that adoption was historically built to support the supremacy of white people. She mentions the dark history of missionarianism and ethnic cleansing in indigenous communities, emphasizing the need to engage in antiracism to better understand the system.

00:36:07 - The Dark History of Adoption,
Lanise highlights the dark history of adoption, particularly in relation to the genocide of the Aborigines in Australia. She describes how the British systematically bred out the aboriginal gene by abducting children and placing them in concentration camps to be "civilized." This history sheds light on the problematic origins of adoption.

00:38:04 - Challenging Binary Narratives,
Lanise addresses the black and white narrative often associated with adoption, emphasizing that it is not a binary issue. She encourages listeners to embrace the paradoxes and hard truths of adoption, while also acknowledging the potential for growth and deeper understanding within adoptive families.

00:39:39 - Reflecting on Triggers and Reactions,
Lanise advises those who may feel triggered or angry by the conversation to take a deep breath and recognize that no one is attacking them. She emphasizes that her intention is to educate and amplify adoptees' stories, urging individuals to honestly examine their reactions and consider their own identities and perspectives.

00:43:22 - The Gift of Growth,
Lanise and Beth discuss the opportunity to receive gigantic gifts through these interpersonal challenges around race and adoption. When viewed from the perspective of wanting adoptees to have the best lives possible, non-adoptees will be more open to digging in to these difficult topics with them.