healthy sex

In Episode 219, Mark & Steve get super passionate in addressing a heart-felt, yet tragic submission from a PBSE listener. Here's what he had to say—

Hi, I would love it if you guys could do a podcast around the effects of years of lies and trickle truths on a full disclosure? I've been a PA for 18 years roughly and i've had a hard time coming to terms with my addiction and its consequences. My partner and i have been together 4 years and she found out 1.5 years ago that I was being unfaithful through my excessive pornography and social media consumption.

I have always had a hard time running away from conflict and I have a history of communication trauma and sexual assault in childhood. I done everything wrong with my partner, I lied and lied time and time again, I minimized and justified my actions where I felt I could and for most of my "recovery" I just found sneakier ways to access pornography and just flat out refused to be accountable for the hurt it would cause my partner in these moments. I don't think my addict brain could fathom accountability at these low points.

 I allowed my partner to dig through every site/app/device and find just troves of visits to profiles and video history, bank transactions. This happened hundred of times over the year and with each new item discovered my partners pain Increased. I had every opportunity to be upfront and honest to my best friend and partner but I was reluctant to let go of that fear. Its like my addicted brain was convinced its easier to sprinkle dust onto her than to drop a ton of bricks but thats just not true at all.

Unfortunately i have realized a lot of things too late for my partner at this point and we have just recently moved into a state of in house separation. We both have CSAT therapists but are in very early days of this and still have a long way to go. My reason for reaching out is due to the fact that my entire life at this point (our relationship/my dog / my home/my job) relies on openness and full disclosure. Is there any hope that I can ever navigate around the fact that i allowed my partner to be the detective and she uncovered at least 95% of what I've done with a measly 5% being my efforts. We have spoken for a year and a half about aspects of my addiction and I struggle to dig deep and expand on my occasions of acting out. This coupled with lack of honesty just breeds an environment for my partner to rightfully wonder, "What the hell do I not know? " I'm sorry if this seems a bit all over the place , but I’ve tried to express my situation the best I can. I appreciate the work that you guys and everyone involved do to make this available for people.

-   Why do habitual lying and addiction nearly always go together? Why do addicts fear telling the whole truth and being "seen" in their totality?

-  When a relationship account is SEVERELY overdrawn and operating from a deep deficit, is their any hope for reconciliation?

-  Why is acceptance of, accountability for, and consistent verbal acknowledgment and validation of the pain the addict has caused, CRITICAL for both him and his partner?

-  How can the addict use the "language of safety" and the ACTIONS that follow it to show true empathy, real amends and lasting change?

-  Proactive, DAILY transparency, not just around sobriety, is essential!

-  Why the addict must PRACTICE daily vulnerability, not only in his marriage, but in all his relationships. 

-  What place does "Formal Disclosure" have in this process?   

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week tr

In Episode 218, we address two similar questions that we received from partners who are in betrayal trauma healing as a result of their addict spouse's sex/porn addiction behaviors. Here's an excerpt from each of the questions submitted—

Partner #1—My husband and I have been together for 3 years. In  late 2022, I found out he had been emotional cheating/porn-using our entire relationship. It continued until the fall of 2023. I have given him feedback on what I need from him to start trusting again and he tells me that I am putting too much on his plate. That he can only remember to do so much at once. In my opinion showing love and respect should come naturally in a relationship. How do I navigate this? Is it a loss cause?

Partner #2—My addict partner does have some mental health challenges—ADHD and mild Autism—but, he can focus and show deep emotion in various life situations, but NOT for me when I share my pain and desires for his recovery. He responds—"Well, what if I can't do that? What if I'm not capable of that?" It feels like he's using  his mental health challenges as a crutch and an excuse for his poor thinking patterns.

We (Mark and Steve) can SO relate to these two scenarios! We have both suffered from the feelings of huge "overwhelm/too much on our plates," and from the challenges of mental health struggles. A super significant part of our own recoveries, helping to create a healing environment for our partners, and making consistent deposits into our relationship trust accounts, was coming to healthy balance between "reasons/explanations" and "proactive accountability." We found too often that we were "weaponizing our weaknesses" and this created a huge barrier between us and moving forward with "real" daily, consistent recovery.

In this episode, we talk about the healthy role of reasons/explanations and how, at the same time, to take full accountability for one's daily recovery and meeting the needs of a partner as she progresses on her healing journey.   


Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In Episode 215, a PBSE listener asks some very-often-wondered-about questions regarding addiction and related mental, emotional and relational behaviors—

I’m wondering what comes first….the chicken or the egg? Do men who already have narcissistic tendencies (born or developed in childhood) gravitate to sex/porn addiction more frequently given their insecure nature and need for validation? Or, has excessive porn use led to an increase in narcissistic tendencies in men? Could this be one reason why some men are successful in recovery while others never find true recovery?

Mark and Steve get raw and real in addressing these questions and in seeking to correct some all-to-common misconceptions.


Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In Episode 213, Mark and Steve tackle a very heart-felt and all-too-common situation submitted by a PBSE listener who is suffering under the heavy burden of betrayal trauma—while at the same time being criticized and discounted by family, friends and other people on social media. Here's what she vulnerably shared—

Mark & Steve, I have listened to every episode of your podcast and I wait on the edge of my seat the days in between them. Your words have helped my significant other and I so immensely. I can’t thank you enough for what you both are doing. I haven’t heard an episode on this topic yet… social media. I discovered my partner's porn-use on a shared iPad after we had been living together for about a year and a half. His issue has been on [she lists numerous social media sites], finding anything from semi-suggestive material to straight up porn. He agreed to stop immediately but over the last 2 years it’s been discovery after discovery and a string of lies, all relating to things he’s been looking at online. My partner has recently agreed it’s a big problem that he said he has struggled with it since 8th grade and he is now getting into therapy, D2C, and doing what he needs to heal himself. But I am constantly ridiculed and told by other people online or even some friends and family that I am just too sensitive and insecure, and they ask who am I to worry about what he does in private? Is the consumption of this sexually charged material online something that we are allowed to be hurt by? I find myself experiencing nearly every single PTSD symptom I’ve learned about. It feels like a big deal even though people try to convince me that it’s not.

Over much of our lives, many of us have heard certain "cultural slogans/attitudes" that say something similar to—"He can look all he wants, as long as he doesn't touch," or "What he does in in his private time is his business," etc.  Yet, over more than 20 years of working with the partners of porn and sex addicts, Mark and Steve have heard exactly the OPPOSITE!

In this episode, they talk passionately about what it means to have a holistically intimate relationship; what is required to be respected, cherished, exclusive, loyal, authentic . . . and many other aspects of a truly "connected coupleship."

Mark and Steve also talk directly to partners carrying the heavy burden of betrayal trauma—what are your rights; what is speaking your truth; what do authenticity and boundaries look like; why is betrayal ALWAYS "in the eye of the beholder"?

And they give invaluable guidance to porn/sex addicts in recovery—if you want to create, build and nurture TRUE intimacy with your partner—what you think and do when you are not with her is CRITICAL!   

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In episode 212, Mark and Steve respond to a tragic situation submitted by a PBSE listener. As opposed to a structured podcast, Mark & Steve spontaneously share their raw, passionate feelings as they read and comment on each part of this partner’s submission; ask a LOT of hard-hitting questions; and relate to their own addiction/recovery experiences and the experiences of the many couples they’ve worked with over the past 20+ years. Here’s the PBSE listener's submission— 

Hi guys! I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your podcast, in the darkest moments of our lives. My question—and it may have already been addressed: How can I be empathetic toward a partner who continually relapses with excessive masturbation [and porn]—rather than asking to have sex? For context, my husband and I have been together for [more than a decade and have several kids]. I suspected his addiction throughout our relationship but it wasn’t until the last 4 years that I had evidence of excessive porn and masturbation use. He has so much shame and remorse but doesn’t talk to me about it or even allow me to disclose it to anyone. It’s a nasty hurt that I must safeguard so his “image” is maintained. My sexual, emotional and relational needs are not being met, and he doesn’t seem to care. It is like a continual re-traumatizing and violation of trust when he relapses. Our agreement was that he would never do anything sexual without getting permission… to have additional accountability. Every time he asks [for sex]—if I don’t engage with him—I “give permission” for him to masturbate or to help him do so. Please help me understand this and be patient, loving and forgiving. I’m losing hope that this can actually work. I feel like I have to constantly put myself on the back burner to appease his needs and keep our family together for “the greater good.” But I feel like I’m being slowly suffocated.


Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Kim and Dr. Jenni bring Jenni's sex therapist husband, Daniel back into the conversation to discuss the issues that most affect men. We learn more about his treatment methods and why it's so important for men to have a safe space to discuss these issues and how it benefits them and their relationships. 

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode 209 is in response to a very complex, awkward, embarrassing, infuriating and painful situation submitted by the partner of a porn/sex addict. He IS in initial recovery, BUT when he finally started "trickle disclosing" his past "addiction behaviors," this led her to do some "detective work" to find out more. In searching his computer, phone, Internet search history, etc., she discovered a devastatingly DARK SIDE to him that she didn't know about and would never have assumed!

But, she does love him and is very weary of bringing up what she has discovered, for fear of causing him extreme embarrassment and shame. She doesn't know how to approach this! In this episode, Mark and Steve talk about this challenge from the crucial standpoint of "relationship intimacy"--not the traditional narrow paradigm of intimacy—"sex"—but true, holistic intimacy in what we often talk about as the "8 Areas of Intimacy." What level of true intimacy does this couple want to have?

What level of discomfort, awkwardness, embarrassment, confrontation, etc., are they willing to face to enjoy full, true intimacy? What does it mean to allow your partner to actually "see the whole you"? What level of "being seen" does it take for your partner to be "fully informed" to be able to "choose you." Are you wiling to do what it takes to get to the place where you can ACTUALLY CHOOSE EACH OTHER?


Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

This episode (#208) is in response to a very vulnerable and heart-felt submission by a PBSE listener. Here's her situation—

"You may have already covered during previous episodes and I have just not been able to find it, but could you do a podcast on emotional cheating? This was a big part of my relationship and devastated me more than finding out about his pornography habits. This woman wasn’t something he turned to occasionally, she was someone he contacted daily. All day. Even much earlier in the morning than I’d hear from him. While he was lying in bed next to me. As soon as he’d leave my side. He claims it was not an intimate connection, just his codependent need for validation, but I’m not sure I believe that. Regardless, she’s now in every memory I had with him. Even the ones I thought were good, which brings me great pain. To make matters worse it was with his ex wife who he co parents with, so he was unable to cut ties with the person he was cheating with. I’d love to hear expert advice on how to heal from it. I’m already journaling and seeking support, taking care of myself and mental health, doing all the things one can to move past it. But I wake up everyday with a literal pain in my heart that’s so heavy. I carry it around like a rock in my chest all day. I had not previously believed people when they said, emotional cheating can be worse, but I do now. Maybe you can also touch on how too much contact with someone who’s not your partner can be damaging so that addicts understand what it is as well. I’m sure partners could benefit from that as well. Thank you."

We SO appreciate this listener bringing this extremely difficult and painful situation to our attention. This is a topic for which Mark and Steve are extremely passionate and have a LOT to say!

— What is "intimacy"? Is it more than just "sex"?

— What is "Emotional Cheating"?

— What is the responsibility of the partner who engaged in emotional cheating? What does "real" change and amends look like?

— What is the healthiest approach for the partner who has been betrayed?

— What is a couples best chance to move through and forward from emotional cheating?


Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In Episode 207, Mark & Steve address a situation and concern sent in by a PBSE listener who finds herself in a very painful, difficult and complex situation. Here's how she describes it—

"Hey guys, firstly thank you so much for your podcast - it’s helping more than you will ever know. My question is about separation and how to do this well. I found out four months ago, while I was 8 months pregnant, that husband of 7 years has a severe sex addiction. I moved out with our 2 year old and in with my parents, telling them everything. He & I have thrown ourselves individually into counseling & gotten support from our closest friends. However, my husband relapsed badly & I realized I needed to give him a year of full separation to see if he can change for himself, or I need to move on. How can I do this year well? What do we tell our church and wider community (our pastors know everything)? I don’t want opinions and judgement if I stay or go, but I don’t know how to live in this limbo without lying or pretending to be together! For our kids, is it better to live apart or together? I desperately need advice on boundaries and how to navigate separation with two littles! My husband is an amazing father committed to them, but his addiction got so out of control, I just don’t trust what he’s capable of, so the kids will be with me until he’s 1 year sober. It’s so so hard."

-  Therapeutic vs. Non-Therapeutic Separations

-  What do the expectations, boundaries and structure of a therapeutic separation look like? What are the potential pitfalls?

-  An "in-home" separation vs. living completely separate.

-  Creating a specific "plan for reconciliation" with specific steps, benchmarks and accountability toward reunification.

-  Setting and holding boundaries with family, friends, neighbors, etc.

-  What about the HUGE consideration of children in all of this?!


Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Julie Sondra Decker is the author of the book The Invisible Orientation, and is a strong advocate for the asexual community since 1998. In this episode, Dr. Jenni and Kim have an in depth and personal conversation about Asexuality, the myths, the truths, and some eye opening revelations. 

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode 202 is in response to a deeply traumatic situation and heartfelt questions sent in by a PBSE listener. For over 40 years, this dear woman has been betrayed, gaslighted, lied to, disrespected and dismissed by the men in her life, starting with her own father. Now, much older and wiser, IF she enters into a future relationship, she doesn't want to set herself up for the pain of the past. Here's how she expressed this deep concern—

"I don't EVER want these types of relationships again! What steps can I take to ensure I don't add  [another dysfunctional] man in my life?"

In this PBSE episode, Mark and Steve talk raw and real about HOW to create the best chance for healthy, successful, connected relationships going forward. And how NOT to repeat the abusive, painful relationship cycles of the past.


Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In this weeks episode, Dr. Jeni and Kim talk to Dr. Craig Heacock, an adolescent and adult psychiatrist and addiction specialist in Colorado who hosts the psychiatric storytelling podcast “Back from the Abyss.” (He is a co-therapist in the Phase 3 trial of MDMA-Assisted Psychotherapy for PTSD and has particular interest in the use of psychedelics to treat severe mood disorders and PTSD. In this conversation, we talk about psychiatric drugs and their effect on our sex drive. We also learn about Kim’s struggle with bi-polar, and get a glimpse of her story.

Find Dr. Heacocks podcast here https://www.craigheacockmd.com/podcast-page/

Kim’s blog 31-50 - https://31to50.blogspot.com/

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

In episode 201, Mark and Steve address a very genuine and vulnerable cry for help from a woman who was severely betrayed by her husband. Her message and questions were lengthy, so here's a summary of what she submitted to PBSE—

-  Our PBSE listener had a good friend who was temporarily living in her home. Her husband had an affair with the friend while she was staying there. 

-  When confronted, the husband and friend both blamed our listener for the situation, claiming it was because our listener  was in menopause. 

-  This was followed by months of gaslighting, blaming and shaming which led to a nervous breakdown for our listener. 

-  Since then, the husband has done a little work, admitting to using porn, but has continued to stonewall, blame, shame, patronize, show disrespect, talk over her, etc. 

-  When our listener shared what she authentically needs for them to try and move forward (therapy, 12-Step, D2C, etc.) he declined saying that he was taking an online porn addiction course and that's all he can handle right now.

-  All of this has continued "heaping on" until our listener feels completely unsafe in the relationship and in her own home. Her husband does not understand why she doesn't feel safe and insists he "is not a danger to her." 

Our listener asked us the following questions—"Can you please do a podcast about safety for the betrayed spouse? Why we don't feel safe, what it takes to make us feel safe and how important it is for us to start feeling safe again? And also what makes us feel threatened and unsafe?"


Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Dr. Jenni and Kim talk with Deb Rubin, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and founder of Mother Daughter Journey, a program that offers Mother Daughter workshops and parent coaching to help strengthen the mother daughter bond. She also hosts the Motherhood Uncut Podcast and is a delight to talk to. In this conversation we learn when and how to dive into those difficult discussions about sex with our teenagers (primarily teenage girls) and why awkwardness when discussing these topics is actually beneficial. 

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is PBSE's 200th episode!  We (Mark & Steve) want to express our deepest appreciation to all of our PBSE listeners in more than 185 countries world-wide. YOU are the reason we are so passionate about this cause and dedicated to bringing you our weekly podcast. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

One of the great passions that fuels our counseling work and the PBSE Podcast is the opportunity to help couples mend their broken relationships and move forward to be closer and more connected than ever! It was from this passion that our online recovery and healing program, "Dare to Connect" was born. In this 200th episode, Mark & Steve talk about what it means to "DARE" in your relationship and the deep levels of connection and intimacy that come as a result.

Dare to:

• Be Transparent
• Be Vulnerable
• Be Humble
• Be Account-able
• Be Empathetic
• Be Response-able
• Be Boundaried
• Be Collaborative
• Be Confronting
• Be Confront-able
• Be Intimate

 

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Kim and Dr. Jenni have an informative and engaging discussion about sex and menopause with Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus, who is an internationally recognized sex therapist, author of the book "Satisfaction Guaranteed, How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted" and served as the Clinical Director for twenty-years at one of the largest sexual health centers in the United States. 

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Kim and Dr. Jenni continue their conversation with Dr. Bat Sheva about sex and hormones, and how hormones play an integral part in a healthy sex life. We also talk about how to use them, where to put them, and the differences between them. 

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode 196 is in response to a very raw and painful situation shared by the spouse of a porn/sex addict. Here's what she had to say—

Hi and thank you both so much for what you do, I found you through the worst time in my life by the grace of god. I am in my second marriage with a man who is ten years younger than myself. I poured my heart and soul into this marriage, and I have recently found out all the secrets he has kept from me for years. He has fooled everyone, my entire family, even my daughters from my first marriage said, "what? not [Jimmy]." He seems as though he wants to work through his issues and has taken steps to make changes to make our marriage better, but I cant seem to get through this pain, devastation, and hate I feel all day everyday. I introduced him to your podcast, and he reached out to Steve about counseling and is willing to commit to the whole process, but I desperately need help getting through this pain, I pray everyday, go to church, and try to live like god wants us too, but I have so much hate I cant seem to get past. I’ve looked for help groups here in [my area], but there really isn't much here for the spouses. You both speak to my heart and I feel like you could help me, would dare to connect be something you would recommend for me, or do we both need to commit to the program? I know he would like to join me, but I am in such a dark place, I cant stand to even look at him. Would this help us to find peace again, together? Alone? I am desperately seeking your guidance and hope you are able to give me the peace that I so need.

In this episode, Mark and Steve share how this dear woman's story broke their hearts! During their deep addiction years, their wives faced similar situations and they have worked with many spouses over the years who have been deep in this kind of pain. This is called BETRAYAL TRAUMA and it is devastating in SO many ways for women married to sex/porn addicts—especially addicts who lie, hide, gaslight and keep deep secrets for years or decades. Mark and Steve review HOW betrayal trauma impacts spouses and WHY their addict partners NEED to deeply understand, show empathy and HELP HER HEAL! 

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

There is an old, antiquated psychology model that is unfortunately still referenced by too many people out there regarding how porn/sex addiction impacts a spouse/partner. That old model is called, "Codependency."

For many years, Mark and Steve have practiced a far more effective and correct model and approach known as, "Betrayal Trauma." A PBSE listener who is the partner of a porn/sex addict, sent in a situation and questions around the misguided use and even "weaponization" of the term "codependency." Here is what she submitted—

"I recently showed my partner the episode titled “my partners definition of porn is different from mine” with the purpose of highlighting things like priorities and the authentic self. This was prompted because my partner has not been watching explicit videos, but was on tiktok listening to an adult content creator describing the physical aspects of one of the scenes she filmed; I brought this up with him to create a boundary around things that are overtly sexual as I feel they overlap with aspects of his pornography addiction. After he listened I asked him what he found valuable from the podcast and he said “the part about codependency” implying that my behavior was codependent because I was expressing that something made me uncomfortable and asking him to discuss possible solutions with me. Now whenever I talk to him about any negative feelings I have surrounding his behaviors he immediately says I’m being codependent. I looked through your podcasts for an episode on partner codependency but did not find one. I am hoping you guys could discuss what the difference between codependency and feelings or boundaries are; both so I can evaluate my own actions and behaviors and so my partner can hear it defined more clearly. I am fine taking accountability for codependent behaviors, but I do not want to be in a situation where all of my feelings get labeled as codependent."

In this episode, Mark and Steve talk raw and real about the differences between so-called, "codependency" and the expressing of authentic feelings and the holding of healthy boundaries. 

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In Episode 194, Mark and Steve respond to what may be the most brief situation and question ever submitted to PBSE. It comes from a sex addict trying to reconcile with his partner. Here's his submission—

"How can I reconcile my infidelity and my care for women’s rights? My wife says that I’m lying to myself, but I feel like I do care about #metoo. Like, wtf???"

In this episode, Mark and Steve get raw and real about HOW a porn/sex addict in recovery can most effectively project his authenticity and higher self to his partner. First, Mark and Steve talk about "obstacles"—

Obstacles:
-  Lack of trust
-  Lack of empathy
-  Caught in victim mode
-  Lack of accountability for the past or future commitments
-  Unwillingness to collaborate
-  Lack of shame resiliency
-  Ego Defense Mechanisms (Pride, stubbornness, machismo, ego)
-  Incorrect paradigms surrounding sexuality, connection, etc. 
-  Addict/Survival Resistance mentality

Then they talk about the "solutions"—

Solutions:
-  Actively seeking and developing trust-building experiences
-  An openness to other paradigms and ways of doing things (input from a spouse, therapist, group members, friends, etc)
-  Practicing and growing in active account-ability and response-ability
-  Developing vulnerability and mindfulness
-  Practicing & developing self-worth and confidence
-  Sobriety
-  Consistent follow-through and change in working to fix cultural and cognitive distortions regarding sexuality, connection, etc


Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services