Self-Compassion - Threshold of Brilliance - Episode 18
SELF-COMPASSION – THRESHOLD OF BRILLIANCE – EPISODE 18: OUTLINE AND SHOW NOTES:
Self-compassion is the practice of being kind and understanding towards ourselves, even when we make mistakes. Self-compassionate people own their mistakes, and accept themselves unconditionally – warts and all.
The three elements of self-compassion are (https://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/)
1. Self-kindness vs. Self-judgment - Treating ourselves with kindness and understanding, even when we make mistakes or are struggling.
2. 2. Common humanity vs. Isolation - You’re Normal: Recognizing that everyone is imperfect and everyone experiences suffering. We are all suffer from some sort of circumstances.
3. Mindfulness vs. Over-identification - Mindfulness: Paying attention to our thoughts and feelings in a non-judgmental way.
Self-compassion is a skill that takes time and practice to develop. But it's a skill worth developing because it can lead to a happier and healthier life. Self-compassion is a journey, not a destination, and we can help you get started right here.
1. What are some of the benefits of self-compassion?
2. What are some of ways to practice self-compassion?
3. Are Self-love and Self-compassion the same?
4. Is self-compassion a learned condition or is it biological?
5. How do our blind-spots affect our self-compassion?
SHOW NOTES:
What are some of the benefits of self-compassion?
Openly and honestly accepting your mistakes, and not hiding it. This creates a sense of authenticity in your relationships, and builds your self-esteem and effectiveness. - JOHN
We are taught that to excel in life, we have to catch all of our mistakes, scold ourselves for making them, and strive to be more perfect the next time – trapping in a negative, downward spiraling loop. The reality is just the opposite. If we catch a mistake, and are self-compassionate, we lift ours up when we catch a mistake, and create a upward movement of effectiveness and personal happiness. – JOHN
Self-compassion takes away the feeling that we need to judge ourselves or others – BRAD
It allows us to reexamine our self-judgements in a way that makes us healthier. – BRAD
My health is dependent on my compassion toward myself. If I want to change any behaviors, it is dependent on my self-compassion. – BRAD
People who are self-critical, for instance, about their weight, are unable to change anything about themselves, no matter what they do or try. Self-compassion breaks this down – BRAD
What is self-compassion? https://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/ - Dr. Kristin Neff
Self-compassion means accepting that you’re human, and therefore imperfect. It’s “normal” to be imperfect. – JOHN
We are taught, that if we want to succeed in life, that we have to demand more of ourselves, push ourselves harder, and scold yourself so you never make that “mistake” again. All that self-disparagement does is to set us up to constantly repeat the pattern of mistakes and self-criticism. It doesn’t change it. When you can accept self-compassion, you admit your mistakes, and either do something about them, or dismiss them. It breaks the loop of self-demand and self-punishment that tears us down and stops us from succeeding. – JOHN
When we are self-compassionate, we lift ourselves up and create and upward movement of effectiveness and happiness. – JOHN
It’s human and ‘normal’ to be imperfect. Self-compassion acknowledges that and allows us to move forward instead of becoming stuck. – JOHN
HOW DO YOU PRACTICE SELF-COMPASSION?
We want to view ourselves as NOT being normal, and that snags us. The best way I know to overcome this is my 5 Rs. – BRAD
1. Recognize in the moment – mindfulness
2. Reflect on it – meditate on it
3. Reframe it in a way that you say, I was not real compassionate to myself – stop trash talk
4. Refocusing on what you’ve reframed
5. Reference the wins you’ve had along the way
I grew up thinking my name was No Brad instead of Brad – I learned to be self-judgmental early. – BRAD
When we make our self-judgements automatic, we don’t have a chance to recover from them. When we are self-compassionate, that means catching those judgments in the moment. As you said, that’s called mindfulness. That’s where self-compassion starts. The next step is meditation, to take time to change the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves. – JOHN
When we are young, we accept that the stories others made up about us must be true, and that’s who we become. As adults, our job is to break that habit and develop self-compassion. Mindfulness and meditation are the best routes to get there. – JOHN
ARE SELF-LOVE AND SELF-COMPASSION THE SAME, OR ARE THEY DIFFERENT?
Self-love helps us to feel good about ourselves and our lives. Self-compassion helps us to cope with the challenges and setbacks we might have. – BRAD
When we focus on the personal, “I’m stupid”, instead of focusing on the act, “that wasn’t the right way,” is a huge part. Looking at the “act” is self-compassion. – BRAD
88% of millionaires spend at least half-an-hour each day on self-love. Millionaires spend more time on personal love and personal care. – BRAD
If self-compassion is so important to every area of our lives, are we spending enough time developing our ability to be self-compassionate on a regular basis? Do we want to be a millionaire? – BRAD
When we practice self-compassion, but can’t embrace self-love, we have a blind spot (see episode 17). – JOHN
Forgiveness is an integral part of love, and we all need love to survive. If we need love to survive, that means we need forgiveness and self-forgiveness an integral part of self-compassion. It’s human. – JOHN
IS SELF-COMPASSION LEARNED, OR BIOLOGICAL?
10-15% of our nature is genetic, the rest is learned. If you say, “My father was like this and I’m just like him,” is that a story you made up, or genetic? What that means, is we can learn a behavior, replicate that behavior over and over, and pass it down. We can change a behavior and make it genetic. It’s a learned behavior that becomes part of our biology. We get to choose whether I want to be like my father, or change it. – BRAD
You can only blame your parents until you realize your parents did it, instilled it in you, then you can only blame yourself for keeping it. - JOHN
Very young children are always self-compassionate. You never see them beating up on themselves for being so stupid, until someone teaches them that making a mistake means they’re stupid. Children are self-compassionate until they are taught not to be. Self-compassion is about returning to our natural state and our job, as adults, is to return to that natural state. – JOHN
HOW DO OUR BLIND SPOTS AFFECT OUR ABILITY TO BE SELF-COMPASSIONATE?
Our blind spots are things we are not aware of. Our ignorances, or biases, are things we can choice to stay unaware of, or we can choose to see them. Self-compassion, is how we treat others, and ourselves, despite our blind spots. Self-compassion means we can choose to see those blind spots and change them. – BRAD
Blind spots are choosing not to be self-aware. Self-compassion is choosing what to do about it. – BRAD
All our negative self-thoughts are blind spots. They are all stories we accept, and they are all made up. We think our normal state is the negativity, but it’s our self-compassion that is actually our normal state. We just need to overcome the negative stories to recapture that. – JOHN
Celebrate being human. – JOHN
You can’t start a process of recovery until you’ve gone through a process of discovery. - JOHN
Self-trash talk is what keeps the wall up around self-compassion. We need to knock that wall down. – JOHN