relationships by design

Bad weather isn’t just outside us; it can also be in the relationship and destroy it from the inside. Agreeing on a strategy, or a plan to deal with the bad weather helps us more quickly get on the path to the life of the relationship we want!

“I think that in couples, there are those that take the time to invest and pre plan my life, and then there are many who are flying by the seat of their pants. Sometimes the results are fabulous… sometimes they are not.”

Dealing with things as they come up is a planned-out process. How do we reduce the casualty in the fall out. Often what works in business works in relationships. You cannot wing your relationship.

Have a bigger vision of what you want your relationship to be. It helps us get back on track. Your honeymoon doesn’t last forever. Awareness of what each other is feeling, and awareness of surroundings & acting upon it in a loving way.

Gratitude is a powerful piece neurologically. When you’re in a state of gratitude, it’s impossible to be angry. It’s about being aware of the good and the bad, creating a vision about the quality of the relationship you wish to have, and developing strategies for when things are going both great, or in crises. And don’t forget to celebrate!

Drama & Conflict in Your Relationship

3 Steps for Better Feelings

D is for Defensiveness – Gottman

Where Do You Set Your Cruise Control?

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Not getting results that you want in your relationship? How do you make changes and guarantee a more enjoyable future? Join us to give change a chance!

It’s tough to change. The comfort of the known is convenient, it’s the familiar zone! How do we consciously and intentionally make changes to self to get the changes that we want, both individually and together?

“I can only make changes to myself, you can only make changes to yourself, yet by us being a good support system to each other we can be a good support system for each other for the changes we’re making.”

This takes a level of honesty and communication. Where are we going? What will our lives be ten, twenty, thirty years from now look like with that destination in mind? For some couples, it’s hard to look ten years off, and it takes some real intentionality to reflect on this.

 Through the process, don’t forget to celebrate the small things! Look at how much change has happened perhaps this week, month, or year… look at where we are now. Give change a chance!

The whole point of change is to improve and create different experiences that we’d like to have more of. It’s about the quality of life, and to believe that it will really be different. It takes a level of consciousness to be open, but if we are conscious and intentional, it will change in the way we want to and are open too. We’re changing our future history.

Dr. Brené Brown – When you are blaming, you are not learning

Drama & Conflict In Your Relationship

1 Choice That Changes Everything In Your Marriage

Dr. Brené Brown – When you are blaming, you are not learning

Drama & Conflict In Your Relationship

1 Choice That Changes Everything In Your Marriage

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As individuals, we each have strength. In a relationship, our individual strengths need to be consciously utilized together. And with some strong communication and trust it can go a long way!

“Each one of us has incredible strengths, and yet we may not be strong in the same area and to figure out how we can utilize each person’s strengths in each situation.”

Trust is a powerful thing. We’re all there in support of one another and take lead at different times. Nobody is less than the other, it’s about having a huge appreciation for other people’s strengths and being okay with that! It’s okay to be vulnerable and to ask for help and support from the people that are close to you! The willingness to ask and receive goes both ways.

Build a trust at home and then expand it out to kids, friends, and outside community. The power between the two of you is critical to work out first, and requires some conscious work. If you start from the outside looking in, it likely feels daunting. And yet when you start from my circle of influence, where you have control… it looks doable!

Be conscious and joyful, have appreciation. That glows and affects everyone around us as well!

Heart of Relationships – The Bigger Impact

The Power Between

Gratitude Rituals

Gratitude & Appreciation

Burn Your Romance Novels & Regnite Real Romance – Dr. Cheryl Fraser

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Have you considered your life being similar to a jigsaw puzzle? The only exception being you don’t know how the final picture looks - you get to create it. Let’s enjoy the process!

With a jigsaw puzzle, there are definite boundaries and then there are pieces that are pretending sometimes. In your own life, there’s times where you may think you know where your boundaries are but might not always be clear.

“In a jigsaw puzzle sometimes, I’ll put a piece in one spot then later go back and say, no it can’t fit there, this one must go here instead. In my life, the same thing happens – things need to change and shift a little!”

Beliefs also change. As you become more aware, you get to process them too. Then you can find the edge pieces and create those boundaries as well! What will you and will you not accept? It can create conflict within yourself and others if you’re not clear. You can get hard on yourself. Become aware and conscious of your feelings. Paint your own picture, but also bring your partner into that as well in discussion.

Be curious and know the next piece will show up! This can allow you to be judgmental as well. Reflect on your puzzle and the pieces in it! It’s probably a solid picture. Focus on right now, consciously choosing the pieces.

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It might seem silly, but we recognize that we need to make and prioritize the time for fun. Planning for fun is important!

“I want to have fun with you! I want it to be a joyous experience, not drudgery. And so, by adding these things in this will allow me to experience more joy. Not just in this time, also in the lead up and follow up.”

So, how do you approach and decide what to do for fun together? Start with a conversation. Make a list, and perhaps prioritize things off that you’re ready to do. The key is to choose. That excitement is really neat! Another important thing to consider is adding fun to the daily things. Things that scream – “hey, I’m thinking about you.”

“I think that when we have that lightness in our step, It effects everybody. Others that we relate to in business and in our community… it just adds a different energy to it!” 

When you feel good about yourself, it effects interactions with everyone in a great way. Now let’s go plan some fun! 

Add Fun to your relationship

Bring back that lovin’ feeling

Job Jar for relationship Fun

Not having Fun – and how to fix it

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We all sometimes unconsciously slip and things that cause a negative reaction and conflict. Or do something that causes that reaction. How can we avoid triggering this in our relationships?

You likely know your partner well enough to know how to get a reaction out of them, whether that be good or bad. It’s a weird thing. We know each other well enough to know what those are, but ego still comes in and will push that out.

“When I recognize that something pushes a button, I can choose not to say it.”

Words matter! It takes an awareness and willingness to develop new habits and intentions, but the results can be life changing. It doesn’t have to be this way! Having the courage to stand up for what you know. Where else in my life am I saying things that aren’t congruent to who I am?

Imagine what our world could be when people quit pulling the trigger. What if instead we’re aware, conscious and intentional and filled with love.

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We’ve all heard the phrase ‘it’s better to give than to receive’. However, is one really better than the other?

If it’s only better to give than receive, what would happen in nature? To us?  It must be reciprocal, and sometimes we forget about that. Gratitude is a big piece in this. By choosing to receive, it's about recognizing the other person’s loving attempt, and to really see them as this loving being who’s wanting to give of themselves to me. It's huge!

The concept of paying it forward is amazing here if it’s done with the right energy. Be willing and graciously receive. Then in an opportunity down the road, joyfully reciprocate. There’s no score card. It’s just a gift and that’s all there is to it.

“It’s all about the choice to give, the choice to receive, the choice to be incredibly grateful.”

None of this is rocket science - I think the majority of us kind of know what’s important. However, it's about creating that awareness and being conscious of creating what you want rather than just allowing your life to just come around by default. Just remembering that is key – to know that I have choice, there’s the power.

Choice, The Ultimate Empowerment Tool

Drama & Conflict In Your Relationship?

Gratitude & Appreciation

Small Miracle About Gratitude – Huffington Post

Pay Attention For Passion’s Sake – Gottman Institute – Cheryl Fraser

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Being aware of when we're entering the "dreaded drama triangle" and what roles we play in it is a key component to putting an end to the cycle it creates. The important thing to learn is how to "take that costume off, and step out of the theatre". In this episode, we discuss David Emerald's book called "The Power of TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)". In his book, David brings up an alternative to the Karpman Drama Triangle with his own roles of Creator, Coach, and Challenger. 

These tools can help us to take a more positive second look at Karpman's roles and how finding awareness in conflict is the first step to finding a way out of it. Applying David's empowerment dynamics can help you keep focus on what's important and look at our egos in a more constructive way. 

These methods seem to help shift our perspective and help us come from a place of authenticity and compassion, which in turn will lead us closer to the relationship we really want.

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The Power of TED : Amazon