085 What do you want?

Does your child have challenging and sometimes rebellious and unsafe behaviors that have you desperate for a resource?  Are you feeling fearful and desperate?   This podcast could be your answer. 

Today my guest Jessi Stringham shares a resource for parents that is free and really amazing.  It is a peer led support group that is extremely well organized and 

 

From the Changes website: https://cpsn.org

The trauma of “good mom syndrome”

In this week's episode, we delve into the profound truths and challenges of parenting children with intense needs. The episode explores the concept of parenting trauma and the importance of acknowledging and validating the difficulties faced by parents in raising kids with unique challenges.

Key Points:

• Toxic Positivity and Trauma: I address criticism received for acknowledging the traumatic aspects of parenting. Rejecting toxic positivity, the episode emphasizes the need to validate and openly discuss the challenges faced by parents.

• Studies on Moms Raising Kids with Autism: I  share statistics from studies on moms raising children on the autism spectrum, highlighting the prevalence of trauma in this community.

• Understanding Trauma: Distinguishing between acute, chronic, and complex trauma, the episode emphasizes that trauma is about the lasting impact on individuals rather than the events themselves.

• Community Responses: The host reflects on the heartbreaking responses from the community about the traumas they've experienced, ranging from suicide attempts to encounters with law enforcement.

• Societal Expectations and Parental Trauma: The episode explores how societal expectations and judgments contribute to parental trauma, discussing the harmful beliefs about what makes a "good parent."

• Challenging Beliefs: The host shares personal struggles with societal expectations, highlighting the internal conflict of being raised to create a safe and happy home while facing the reality of parenting challenges.

• Healing from Trauma: Practical steps for healing include self-compassion, challenging negative beliefs, and adopting the mantra "What other people think about me is none of my business."

• Becoming Teflon: The episode explores the concept of becoming a shield between parents and societal judgments, emphasizing the importance of letting go and not internalizing others' opinions.

• Shifting Mindsets: Encouraging parents to shift their mindset, the episode concludes with affirmations of the incredible strength and intentionality of parents navigating the challenges of raising children with unique needs.

Closing Message:

"You are incredible, don’t let anyone, including yourself tell you differently."

We chat about when parenting is traumatic and how that affects our nervous system and impacts everyone in the family.   When we are parenting kids with big challenging, sometimes frightening behaviors can put us in a space of nervous system dysregulation and we can't function as our best selves

Parenting can be traumatic…

 

I cannot wait to share with you this podcast.  A few months ago I saw a post by @robyn.gobbel about this topic and it spoke to me. It made me cry to be honest.

 

I felt seen and validated.  I immediately messaged Robyn about being a guest and she graciously said yes.  It is an incredible interview and I hope the parents who need it will find it and also feel seen and validated.

 

If you have any of these, you may have experienced or are currently experiencing parenting trauma:

 

•Sensitized Stress Response

•Stuck in Protection Mode

•Compassion Fatigue

•Irritable

•Hypervigilance

•Depression

•Grief

 

The trauma is real and that can bring shame and guilt upon us, because what parent gets traumatized by their child?

 

 

 

Nervous system printable

https://robyngobbel.com/course/friednervoussysteminfographic/

Link to buy Robyn's book.  Use code Bafflingbehaviors20 for 20% off

https://us.jkp.com/products/raising-kids-with-big-baffling-behaviors?_pos=1&_sid=14718fc1e&_ss=r

The last time I chatted on this podcast was in April last year.  I chatted with two dear friends who I was planning a conference with.  We chatted about our lived experiences of having mental health challenges in our family and how much we needed support and couldn’t find it.   That was the kick off to sharing about our in person Fight like a Mother mental health conference in September.   

 

I fully intended to continue regular podcasts and follow up about the conference etc…and it obviously did not happen.  Planning that conference was one of the bright spots of my 2023.  I am so proud of that conference and what we were able to provide for our attendees.  Resources, support and community.

 

I won’t share nitty gritty details of my 2023 because much of it is others stories to share but their stories and struggles did affect me and have become part of my story too.

 

I shared a post on instagram yesterday of a photo of a women who is sitting down fully veiled.  YOu cannot see the woman, she is completely covered.   When I saw this photo it literally took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes, because I was this woman.  Much of my year I felt veiled and shrouded in the dark.  It was hard to get out of bed, it was impossible to clean my house, it was a struggle to feed my family.   My mental and physical health were greatly affected.  I withdrew from most people. And yet I am seeing a therapist regularly, I started medication but nothing seemed to be able to get through the dark veil of depression. 

 

I could not figure out what was happening, for a long time I didn’t try to figure it out because it was too much work and took too much energy to do so.  I didn’t have the bandwidth.   The year wasn’t actually all that  terrible, it was the first year in a while where we hadn’t had suicidal ideation or attempts from our kids but we were dealing with some other heavy things.

 

One day I was listenting to a podcast about trauma and grief and it hit me.  I had not dealt with the layers of trauma that had been building up for years.  Not only had my dad died the year before and I’m not sure I had processed that but also  I had not acknowledged the living grief that comes from lost expectations plan and life completely turning upside down and not looking ANYTHING like I had ever hoped or planned or prayed for.    That grief is real and feels constant.

 

I had the tools in my toolbelt, I knew what could help, I knew going for walks and getting into nature would help.  I knew eating healthier and journaling and all the things would be helpful…and yet I just couldn’t. The energy required was not there,  the pull of my bed and my weighted blanket seemed to be the only reprieve and safe space I could inhabit.  Things that never felt unsafe or uncomfortable before felt terrifying.  Relationships that I have had for much of my life felt too hard and risky.  I couldn’t share the darkness, what would they think of me?  I couldn’t do small talk, that felt disingenuous and inauthentic.   

 

I really felt like a shell of myself.  

 

Until….a couple of months ago.  I felt a spark, to be honest I’m not sure what even prompted it.  But I felt a spark of being myself.  I felt a spark of energy, of hope, of light.   I told my therapist I’m feeling lighter and I’m ready to do the hard work to peel the layers and layers of trauma and grief. I wasn’t in a space to do so before.

 

I grasped onto that spark.  As I have done so, I have seen and felt more and more sparks of light permeating that shroud.  I have seen Cheryl again in moments and felt great relief.    The darkness is still there I’m not gonna lie, but the light is getting stronger and more consistent.  

 

I’ll be really honest that sometimes I just wanted to stay in the dark, in my bed, shut myself off from the world.  It seemed easier than doing the work, but it wasn’t easy being in that space either.  So I guess we get to choose our hard either way.

 

This year I chose a phrase  to focus on of radical acceptance of myself, my circumstances, what I can control etc.and also radical alignment with who I am, with my core values, what will benefit my mental health.  Besides the daily things that have to be done like dishes, fixing meals, exercise cleaning etc which I don’t love but they do align with my core values of caring for myself and my family if it doesn’t align or make me feel more like me, it’s gone.  One silly example?  Uncomfortable clothing?  GONE, Clothing that doesn’t feel like me?  GONE!   I no longer dress how others think I should, I dress for me to feel good and feel more like myself.

 

One thing that has brought me tons of light that is filling the cracks is celebrating the small stuff.  I went for a mile walk in the sunshine?  GO ME!   I chose to drink water instead of diet coke?  GO ME!

 

Celebrating the small wins, motivates me to continue to push along and continue to do the things that bring the spark. 

 

At our in person conference we rented a large gong and set it up and asked people to share their wins on post it notes and post them on the window behind the gong and then they sounded the gong after the posted their wins.  Sometimes when you are living with mental illness in yourself or your family the wins look very different. They were incredibly touching.   Things like, my daughter  now cares about her hygiene and takes showers daily.   I don’t want to die any more.   

 

Now I want to share with you something so fun that I did with my Instagram community this last week for the new year.  I asked them for their wins for 2023, I wanted them to acknowledge their sparks and  “sound the gong”.  I want to share some of them with you.  Maybe their celebrations will help you see the wins in your own life and help you see the spark that can permeate any darkness you may have in your life. 

 

Come join our Patreon community!

https://patreon.com/fightlikeamotherpodcast?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copyLink&utm_campaign=creatorshare_creator&utm_content=join_link

This episode highlights our "why" for creating the Fight like a Mother mental health conference on September 16, 2023.   All 3 of us in the last decade have desperately needed more resources and a supportive community surrounding mental health and raising our kids.  You'll hear each of us sharing personal experiences about how community and support and knowing about resources has been essential in our ability to grow and thrive and understand how to move forward.

This conference will provide support, understanding, resources, community and HOPE!  We will have classes for parents raising kids with mental health challenges as well as general mental health classes for anyone to attend.  Please join us!  We will have a beautiful interactive experience to celebrate ourselves and our loved ones. 

For all the info about our conference, follow the instagram account here:

Fight like a Mother conference Instagram

Ember Instagram account:

https://instagram.com/iamemberpilati?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Aymee Instagram account:

https://instagram.com/selfhealingmamma?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Cheryl Instagram account:

https://instagram.com/cherylcardall?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

 

What do you want Cheryl?  It's a question I was asked by a therapist that shifted my perspective significantly!  Many times we don't give ourselves permission to go for what we want or even allow ourselves to think about what we want.

In the episode I share a recent experience of being brave and asking for what I wanted and it was a life changing experience and I plan to focus on living life how I want and choosing my actions and perspective even in the mundane tasks of life.

So go have a listen and think about what you want?

 

Also if you are in Utah, or want to travel to Utah in September...save the date of September 16th.  We are planning an event where there will be community, resources and fun for the mental health community!  More details to come soon!

In this episode I chat with licensed marriage and family therapist David Kozlowski.  We discuss personality disorders and specifically borderline personality disorder which David said is the most complicated one and believes it should be renames to Emotionally extreme personality disorder or something similar. Borderline is too tame a label for it.

 

 

 

https://davidkozlowski.com

Light the Fight podcast

 

 I was fortunate to be a guest on The Better Behavior podcast with Dr. Nicole Beurkens.  Dr. Beurkens is a champion of parents and families living with mental illness.  She is an amazing advocate and support to these families.  I was honored to be asked to be a guest because I have long admired her work.  If you are a parent raising a kiddo with extra challenges, this episode is for you.

 

In this episode, we are talk about an issue that isn’t covered or supported nearly enough: the current systems which are failing parents who are raising kids with mental health challenges and the immense struggle parents often face when trying to get them the help they need. This can create a lot of pain and difficulties in the lives of parents (and children), to the point where the disorders and challenges can take over the family. Unfortunately, there is a lot of social stigma around this topic and especially with the mental health piece, not just for children, but for the parents of these children.

 

https://www.drbeurkens.com

https://www.instagram.com/drnicolebeurkens/?hl=en

 

In this episode I chat with therapist Brenna Brooks about the concept of a window of tolerance. The window of tolerance is when our nervous system is functioning well.  We can handle stress and big emotions.  Our pre frontal cortex is fully engaged so we can make good decisions, have good judgement and not be controlled by our stress or trauma.

When we shift out of the window of tolerance we go to either hyper arousal or hypo arousal.  Our nervous system is sensing threat so it goes into fight or flight mode to protect us.  We have zero control when something is going to send us to hyper/hypo arousal, it is simply a survival mechanism of our amygdala in our brain that is trying to protect us.  Often for people who have been through trauma their brain sees everything as a threat so their window of tolerance is small.

Some characteristics of hyper arousal are:

Anger, melt downs, running away, irritability, difficult sleeping, panic attacks, self destructive behaviors

Characteristics of hypo arousal are:

Numbing out, sleeping a lot, depression, flat feelings, feeling trapped, helplessness.

When we can start to be aware of our own window of tolerance and notice when we shift out of it, we can notice our emotions, behaviors and feelings within our body.  Our nervous system is how we shift out of our personal window of tolerance, but the good news is, it is also how to get back there! The good news is that through learning about and utilizing tools, going to therapy and being aware of our body and nervous system,  we can expand the capacity of our window of tolerance.  

Grounding ourselves is an important skill to learn.Grounding is a self-soothing skill to use when you are having a bad day or dealing with a lot of stress, overwhelming feelings, and/or intense anxiety. It means going back to our body.

 Here are some tools to use to use when you are in hyper arousal:

• Wave or box breathing (listen to hear more about what that is)
• Imagining a safe calming place to go like the beach, a favorite spot in your home, nature etc and closing your eyes and putting yourself there
• Putting lotion on the top of your hand, noticing it there, rubbing it in novel and new ways.
• utilizing your 5 senses, notice what you smell, hear, see and touch

Tools for hypo arousal:

• Novel, child like movement. Put on your favorite dancing song from childhood or teenage years and get up and dance.
• Stretching
• Yoga
• Using pressure points
• put your hands in ice cold water
• go for a walk

The key is to create safety in our body, within ourselves so our nervous system knows we are safe.  The body keeps the score of trauma and stress AND it is also the solution to healing.

Resources to learn more:

https://www.stephenporges.com

The body keeps the score book

Window of Tolerance graphic

 

 

Courtney Brown is a brilliant CEO of the clothing company Cents of Style.  She is a mom of 3 kiddos and is married to John Brown.   She is also one of the most generous, kind, light filled people I've ever known.

Courtney chooses an intention the beginning of every year and this year she chose the word Ease.  She sees it as an experiment, to learn more about the process of finding the ease and joy and miracles in the midst of our challenges.  She said when she chose this word she immediately became uncomfortable which to her meant it was right.  

She was raised in a family and religious culture where the family motto was "Work hard, play hard."  It has to be hard to have meaning, having ease means you're doing it wrong.

We can find a lot of identity in the hard, in our struggles.  We lean into it and it can become more difficult. Those challenges are what we experience, they aren't who we are. We can acknowledge the struggle, but give it a "container" to remain in so it doesn't become our whole identity.

Courtney wanted to explore what life might look like if she looked for the ease, if she didn't push so hard.  It's become a practice for her to see the miracles, find the joy and ease in life. We must look for the evidence of the good and be intentional about it.

Courtney coaches and mentors people in having a vision led life and living life according to our values.  She works with business owners and anyone else who wants to find more purpose and joy.

Courtney's instagram