Happy 2023! This time of year so many are talking about resolutions and goals and words or themes for the year. It often feels like lots of pressure to join in to change yourself or make new habits, systems etc. Sometimes we cave to the pressure of social media and others because we feel the push to set those high goals and resolutions because of the expectation that we do so.
What I am going to talk about today is just that, expectations. What we think we should do, what others think we should do, what we think others should do. Those expectations can be challenging to meet and nearly impossible to make others meet our expectations.
For the past several years I have chosen a word or phrase for the year. It has helped me focus on things I want to work on. Last year my phrase was “Do the next right thing.” I think about what word or phrase I want starting in about October/Nov. I look for patterns, or lessons I’m obviously supposed to learn.
This years word stemmed from a therapy session I had back in October. Lots of challenging stuff was happening and I was extremely stressed out. My therapist said, “Cheryl I want you to practice detaching.” Umm what? Isn’t attachment important for loving relationships and good mental health? Yes, yes it is. Healthy attachment to people. She wanted me to detach from outcomes, from others moods or choices.
Hello, my name is Cheryl and I’m codependent. I fall into fix it mom mode really often. I am hypervigilant trying to prevent bad moods or anger or bad choices. I try to smooth things and do things for kids to not have conflict and make things easier. It really all boils down to wanting to control because I feel like I’ve lost control.
So my word for 2023 is Release. Release the control, release the expectations, release of the outcomes. Release of others opinions, release of others judgements. Release of expectations others have put on me.
This is NOT easy in any sense of the word. Letting go is possibly the hardest thing I do as a mom. I mean think about it, from the time our kids are born, our purpose is to work ourselves out of a job as we teach and encourage our kids to be more independent. When they are babies and young kids, we have a lot of control over their actions, when they eat, go to bed, who they play with, what clothes they wear (unless you have a very headstrong child :).
As they get older we lose the control, we lose the ability to control who they interact with, their choices, attitudes, beliefs etc. It can be so hard to let go of that!
I think so many of us had an idea in our head about what our family would look like, what our kids might do, what they would believe, accomplishments they would have. If we just did all the right things and were a good enough mom, they would “turn out” good.
We put our expectations on our kids of what we thought, expected and wanted….and then life goes on and they get older and more independent and what happens? What happens when they reject our beliefs and values? What happens when they don’t do what we think they should do? Not only do they not live up to those expectations, but quite honestly what happens if they do the opposite of what you wanted for them? How do we handle that? What does that do to us and our relationships?
A quote I love, that is by Anne Lamott says this, “Expectations are resentments under construction.” When we put our expectations on others and put so much emotional work into them, we will be resentful when others don’t live up to them.
The attachment I had to my own expectations for my kids wasn’t just causing stress, but it puts strain on my relationships with them. When I release those expectations of what I think they should do or who I think they should be, it frees up more emotional space and allows me to focus on what is truly important, the relationship and connection. When I can really see them for who they are and allow them the freedom to explore it, even when I can see it may cause them pain, it may lead to hard consequences and may take them on a life path that may be rocky it allows me to not try to control the, but to walk alongside them and be a support.
I have been reading the book Co-dependence no more by Melody Beattie. In the book she says, “Detaching doesn’t mean we don’t care, it means we learn to love, care and be involved without going crazy.
Detaching means stepping back from obsessive worry, stepping back trying to control their beliefs, behaviors and moods. Stepping back from trying to rescue or jumping into fix. We allow them to be responsible for their own choices and we don’t interfere or protect them from natural consequences that might result. As we detach or release ourselves from the results of situations and expectations we can live in more peace.
Often I think our need to control or our stress about lost expectations comes from worry about what others might think. What will people think about us as parents? How will our kids choices reflect on us? Will others still like us? Will they like our child? What will they think about our child?
Attachment to the control, behaviors, choices, outcomes of others or their judgment or opinion of us is based in fear. When we can recognize that and release it we can be more open, we can work on not being controlled by fear or judgement or others opinions or the outcome of our child.
Sometimes I think the attitude out there is our kids are “products” or “results” of our parenting. If we do it “right” the “product” will turn out “right”. I think we are often taught that if we teach them right, if we share our values, if we love them enough and provide well then they will turn out.
Well our kids aren’t a product, and they aren’t a result. They aren’t a blank slate for us to write our story on, they aren’t something to control. They aren’t a trophy to hold up so others can admire our work. They are a complex human being who we want to support and teach and influence yes, but what if we really examined our expectations of who they are, of what they “should” become and instead focus on letting them unfold themselves to us.
And let me say, I am not saying you can’t have expectations of how you are treated, of kids helping out around the house, of them attending school and doing their best. Some kids can meet those expectations and are fine to do so and excel.
However what happens when they don’t, what will you do? I think it’s really important here to meet our kids where they are at, to know where they are at and drop our own agenda.
I’ll share a parenting fail here. One of my kids had gotten fantastic grades throughout middle school and the first year of high school. I had visions and expectations of full ride college scholarships and awards etc. However His junior and senior year were tough, his grades slipped pretty significantly, he was not doing well. I hounded him and checked his grades and assignments obsessively, I used his past good grades trying to “motivate him”. What it really did was cause him great shame. I missed the signs of depression and ADHD. He couldn’t do well because his mental health was sliding pretty drastically. It was almost too late when I recognized it and he barely graduated. My expectations made things much worse for him and for our relationship, he felt he couldn’t tell me what was going on because I wasn’t open to it. I was basically telling him to “buck up” and just do it because I JUST KNEW he could because of past performance. He was smart enough, just not motivated enough.
I wasn’t meeting him where he was at, he couldn’t meet my expectations because of health reasons. My expectations made things much worse for him and for our relationship, he felt he couldn’t tell me what was going on because I wasn’t open to it. I was basically telling him to “buck up” and just do it because I JUST KNEW he could because of past performance. He was smart enough, just not motivated enough. I wasn’t seeing beneath the surface of the behavior.
My expectations made things much worse for him and for our relationship, he felt he couldn’t tell me what was going on because I wasn’t open to it. I was basically telling him to “buck up” and just do it because I JUST KNEW he could because of past performance. He was smart enough, just not motivated enough.
Another example from my life. When my husband and I married we said, all of our sons would get their eagle scout and serve an LDS mission, our daughters would also get awards at church for goal setting and also serve missions. We would accomplish this (see it was based on US< OUR accomplishment) by being very diligent at scripture study, going to church, serving, teaching them our beliefs. We had 4 sons and 1 daughter and imagined our own little army of missionaries. Guess what? My oldest is an eagle scout and returned missionary. He may be the only one who is on that road. My second kiddo hated scouting and did not want to serve a mission and came out as non-binary last year. My third loved scouting but not the expectations with advancements and merit badges, didn’t think he could live up to them. He doesn’t attend church. My youngest two, I’m not sure what will happen with them as far as missions and their future. My expectations were based on what I thought a “good family” looked like. They were based on my parenting, if I just did all the right things, my kids would “turn out”. I saw it as a reward for my good actions and good parenting.
I have since learned that my relationship is far more important than what they do. Their worth isn’t based on them getting the scouting award or going on a mission, or getting scholarships, or being a starter on the football team. Their worth is infinite and set in stone. Their worth doesn’t change and neither does mine when they choose differently than I had planned. Sometimes my push for them to meet my expectations pushes them completely the other way and causes defiance and rebellion.
This is all fine and good, but HOW, how do we do this?
I’m a work in progress on this for sure so I’m working through it. The 1st step for me was being really mindful and aware of my expectations. Examine those “shoulds” you’ve put in your child. Do I know my child well enough to know if they can meet this expectation? Is this reasonable? Is this my desire for them or is it their desire for themselves that I can support? Is my worry about them not meeting it based from fear or love? Is it based on worry about what the school, or church members or family members might think of me? Of my child? If that is the case, that is inner work we need to do on ourselves to heal those wounds of people pleasing. Is my trying to smooth things or being super fixer mom because of my own anxieties or fear (ummm YES 100% yes). Is my own worth tied into what my children do or how they behave?
Once we are aware of our expectations and why and where they come from, I encourage you to really dive into your relationship with your child. Start getting curious about their life, about the path they want to follow, about the choices they are making and why. Why is school hard for them? Why are they choosing the friends you don’t want them to be with?
Drop your agenda for them, allow them to be who they are. Open your heart and mind, work on your judgements toward them, their friends, their choices.
I have found when I really work on seeing them, on getting to know them, on getting curious and open instead of anxious and judgemental, it builds our connection rather than distances us from them. Is our pressure on them really making them better? Even if they are high achieving and doing all the “right things”, are they doing it because they want to and its their desire or are they doing it to please us and other people? Are they doing it because they are an anxious perfectionist and are so stressed they can’t be truly happy? Even kids who can meet our expectations may be doing so to earn our love, to earn their worth etc.
Sometimes we create our own heartbreaks through our expectations. Let go, release, focus on loving them. Focus on loving yourself and working through your own wounds to heal so you don’t project them onto your kids.
Next week I’ll share my other word for 2023, yes I have two this year!
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