294. Heartache, Dating, Confidence and Owning Your Life with Sabrina Zohar

No matter what challenges life throws at us, we have the power to transform our circumstances and create something meaningful. Sabrina Zohar, a guest on today's podcast, shared her inspiring story of overcoming adversity and starting her own clothing line, Software, after her mother's illness and a series of personal setbacks. Born and raised in Florida, Sabrina moved to New York to pursue a career in acting but soon realized it wasn't her passion. When her mother was diagnosed with six brain aneurysms and two dissections at the neck, Sabrina was devastated and felt lost in her career. She quit smoking, started working out, and changed her diet, but just as she was finding her footing, her mother recovered. Seizing the opportunity, Sabrina started Software to give back to the community and follow her heart. Despite a tumultuous relationship with her ex, who she had started dating after her mother's recovery, Sabrina found the strength to move on and prioritize her mental and emotional well-being through therapy, ketamine treatments, tapping, and meditation. Sabrina's journey serves as a reminder that even in the darkest of times, we have the power to create something positive and find the resilience to move forward.

Understanding ourselves and our past experiences is crucial for personal growth. The speaker shares her journey of discovering her attachment style, which was shaped by her inconsistent upbringing. She found solace in self-awareness and began to find her voice through podcasting and panels. However, her clothing line tanked, and she was rejected from Shark Tank, leading her to a low point in her life. But in that moment of despair, she started a TikTok account and began to embrace the unknown, leading her to a new community and a renewed sense of purpose. Through all the ups and downs, she learned to let go of attachments to outcomes and find strength in her resilience.

Hitting rock bottom can be a necessary step towards personal growth and transformation. It's easy to get stuck in a cycle of blame and victimhood, but eventually, we must ask ourselves what role we play in our own suffering. Vulnerability is a powerful tool for connection and healing, but it's often met with fear and resistance, especially after experiences of heartbreak or trauma. However, being vulnerable doesn't make us weak; it allows us to form deeper, more authentic relationships and avoid repeating past mistakes. Remember, there is a community of people going through similar struggles, and sharing our vulnerabilities can help us feel less alone and more understood. So, when you're sick and tired of being sick and tired, it's time to reassess and make a change.

Authenticity is key in building genuine connections with others. When we put on a mask or try to be someone we're not, we risk not only getting hurt but also preventing others from truly getting to know us. This can lead to feelings of disappointment and regret when relationships don't work out. It's important to remember that everyone has needs, wants, and desires, and trying to be someone else to please others only leads to self-abandonment and dissatisfaction. By being comfortable in our own skin and showing up authentically, we increase the chances of forming meaningful and lasting connections. It may be cliche, but being true to ourselves is the foundation for building strong and fulfilling relationships.

Relationships are conditional, and people deserve to be treated well, especially during difficult times. The speaker emphasizes the importance of managing emotions and being respectful in relationships, which are based on agreements. The concept of limerence, or intense infatuation, was discussed in relation to attachment theory, with the three main attachment styles being anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Anxious attachments tend to have a low sense of self and high sense of others, leading to intense emotional reactions and a fear of abandonment. Avoidant attachments, on the other hand, prioritize self and have a low sense of others, often avoiding vulnerability and seeking space. Understanding these attachment styles can help improve relationships by fostering empathy and communication.

Understanding attachment styles can help us make sense of our behaviors and patterns in relationships. Anxiously attached individuals, who have a fear of abandonment and a need for constant reassurance, can create idealized versions of people they meet and become overly attached after one date. This behavior often stems from unresolved childhood traumas and a lack of self-support. Setting healthy boundaries is crucial, but it's essential to remember that boundaries don't keep people out; they protect what's inside. Anxiously attached individuals may not always listen to boundaries, but they serve as a clear communication of where you stand in the relationship. By doing inner child work and addressing our triggers, we can learn to support ourselves and avoid attaching to others out of fear.

Setting healthy boundaries in relationships is essential for personal growth and maintaining a balanced connection. The discussion highlights the experience of a man who values in-person interactions over digital ones and the challenges he faces with an anxious attachment style. Anxious attachments stem from a fear of abandonment and a need for constant validation, which can put immense pressure on a relationship. It's important to recognize that individuals cannot change another person's behavior and that everyone must take responsibility for their emotional well-being. Furthermore, being anxious does not excuse harmful texting behaviors, such as constant messaging or having panic attacks due to a lack of response. Ultimately, it's crucial to understand that true security and healing come from within. While it's possible for someone to go from anxious to more secure, they will never be 100% free of anxiety. The journey towards emotional growth and healthier relationships involves setting boundaries, understanding one's own needs, and recognizing that everyone must do their part in the relationship.

Secure attachment doesn't mean being free from anxiety or negative emotions. Instead, it means having the tools to handle them and respond rather than react. The speaker shares her personal growth in handling anxiety in relationships, emphasizing the importance of self-awareness and communication. When asked about the difference between personal growth during singlehood versus in a relationship, she acknowledges that being alone strips down external distractions and forces introspection, leading to unique growth experiences. Overall, the conversation highlights the importance of self-awareness, communication, and personal growth in building healthy and secure relationships.

Self-love and self-worth are crucial in maintaining healthy relationships. The speaker shared her experience of being in a toxic relationship where she valued the relationship over her own self-worth, leading to fear of being alone. She learned that it's essential to love oneself more than the need for validation from others. The speaker also emphasized the importance of being okay with being single and being in control of the outcome of relationships. She shared how she took six months to get back into dating after her toxic relationship, focusing on self-love and self-care before putting herself back out there. Additionally, she advised against bombarding potential partners and instead allowing them to get to know you at a healthy pace. To address the mindset of attracting toxic partners, the speaker suggested reflecting on patterns and considering whether one is putting oneself in situations that attract toxic individuals. Overall, the key takeaway is that self-love and self-worth are the foundation for healthy relationships and personal growth.

The quality of the people we meet in our dating experiences is largely determined by the actions we take and the standards we set for ourselves. If we consistently meet toxic individuals, it may be a sign that we need to reassess our own behavior and communication skills. This includes asking thoughtful questions during dates, setting healthy boundaries, and being mindful of our own nervous system responses. It's important to recognize that excitement and anxiety are not the same thing, and that a stable, consistent partner does not equate to boredom. By becoming better "daters" and taking control of our own choices, we can increase the likelihood of finding healthy, fulfilling relationships.

Consistent relationships, where both partners are present and communicative, can lead to deeper emotional connections and a greater sense of self-worth. Contrastingly, relationships with emotionally unavailable individuals can reinforce negative beliefs about one's self-worth. The speaker emphasizes the importance of taking the time to build a strong foundation in a relationship, as true connection doesn't happen overnight. It's crucial to recognize that everyone's relationship timeline is unique, and what works for one person may not work for another. Ultimately, focusing on being with someone who is consistent, communicative, and reciprocal can lead to a fulfilling and long-lasting partnership.

Relationships require depth and authenticity, not just initial attraction or convenience. The speaker shares her experiences of forming judgments based on appearances or quick connections, but later discovering that these relationships lacked substance. She encourages trusting oneself and being willing to sit in discomfort, rather than jumping into relationships out of fear or anxiety. Additionally, she emphasizes that everyone has unique experiences and attachment styles, and it's essential to remember that what works for one person may not work for another. Ultimately, she encourages taking the time to get to know someone genuinely and being open to the possibility of growth and change within a relationship.

The initial excitement and charm in a relationship can fade, and it's essential to be aware of potential red flags and communicate openly with your partner. The speaker shared a personal story of a relationship where the man's behavior changed drastically, going from attentive and affectionate to emotionally unavailable and dismissive. Despite feeling uncomfortable, the speaker continued the relationship, hoping to recapture the early feelings. However, when the man returned, the relationship had soured, and the speaker ultimately ended it. The experience taught the speaker to trust her instincts and not cling to the initial feelings, but instead, evaluate the entirety of the relationship and communicate openly with her partner. It's important to remember that relationships involve growing and changing, and it's normal for people to reveal different sides. However, staying in an unhealthy relationship out of fear of losing the initial feelings can be detrimental.

When it comes to dating, it's essential to give people a chance even if you don't feel an immediate spark. If you've had a good time or enjoyed the conversation, offer another date. Unhealthy attachments to parents, however, can be a red flag. If there are no boundaries set between a person and their family, it could lead to disaster. Mothers or parents who interfere excessively in relationships can create unnecessary tension and conflict. It's crucial to remember that physical proximity does not equate to emotional closeness. If you find yourself in a relationship where your partner's attachment to their family is causing you discomfort, it's essential to establish boundaries and prioritize your own needs and desires. Ultimately, the most important thing is to listen to your intuition and make decisions based on what feels right for you.

Sabrina Zohar, a software engineer and host of the "Do The Work" podcast, shared valuable insights about her experiences in the tech industry and offered inspiring advice for those pursuing careers in tech. Sabrina emphasized the importance of staying focused on your goals, being persistent, and continuously learning. She also discussed her clothing brand, Wholesale, and encouraged listeners to check out her TikTok and Instagram accounts (@Sabrina.zohar) and her podcast ("Do The Work") on various platforms. The conversation was so engaging that both parties agreed to have a part two. Overall, Sabrina's stories and insights were a reminder that hard work, determination, and staying true to yourself can lead to success.