Podcast Summary
Grief as a friend: Grief can bring sadness but also cherished memories and love. It's a constant companion that can remind us of important relationships and experiences.
Grief is an ever-present companion, and it's not always a sad experience. Abby Wombock shares her personal story of losing her brother Peter and how the experience opened up a portal for her to learn and grow. She describes grief as a friend who's always with her, bringing both sadness and happiness. Abby recalls a childhood memory of her brother saving her from a riptide while they were on vacation. This experience not only illustrates the importance of having someone to rely on during difficult times but also highlights how grief can be a reminder of cherished memories and the love that remains. Through her ongoing journey of grieving, Abby continues to learn and find meaning in the experience.
Beliefs and loss: Our beliefs about good and bad can impact our ability to cope with loss and suffering. It's important to question and reevaluate these beliefs to avoid unnecessary suffering.
Our beliefs and the systems we live under can significantly impact how we process and cope with difficult experiences, such as the loss of a loved one. The speaker in this conversation struggled to understand why her brother, who was perceived as a good person, died young. She realized that her belief in the connection between being good and good things happening to her was causing her unnecessary suffering. This belief, influenced by societal constructs like capitalism and religion, led her to question the definition of good and bad, and the importance of understanding why things happen. The loss of her brother forced her to reevaluate her operating system and consider the perspectival nature of these concepts.
Embracing not knowing: Accepting and surrendering to the not knowing can lead to transformation, curiosity, and ease in dealing with life's mysteries, such as death or difficult experiences.
Embracing not knowing is the only loving way forward when dealing with life's mysteries, such as death or difficult experiences. The human tendency to insist on understanding and judge can lead to endless cycles of accusation and blame. However, when we accept and surrender to the not knowing, we can transform our perspective, become more curious, less judgmental, and get things done with ease. The fear of death and the desire to understand it can be a lifelong struggle, but letting go of the need to know and surrendering to the unknown can bring peace and transformation. The art of grief lies in the letting go of the need to understand and the surrendering to what actually is.
Death and Grief: Everyone's experience of grief and loss is unique, and the rituals and arrangements after someone passes away provide closure for the living.
Life is uncertain and the experience of dealing with loss is unique to each individual. Chris Duffy, host of Ted's How to Be a Better Human podcast, shared his personal experience of losing his brother Peter and the intense questioning and longing for certainty that came with it. Duffy emphasized that everyone's relationship with the deceased and their experience of grief is different. He also shared that the rituals and arrangements made after someone passes away are for the living, providing them with a sense of closure and a way to say goodbye. Ultimately, Duffy encourages listeners to have open conversations about death and to plan for the future, acknowledging that the unknowns of life and death are a part of the human experience.
Embracing the unknown: Embracing the unknown and practicing surrender can help alleviate suffering and bring peace of mind, recognizing that suffering often comes from our intentions and beliefs, not the actions themselves.
The relentless pursuit of knowledge and understanding, driven by self-preservation, can lead to unnecessary suffering. Instead, embracing the unknown and practicing surrender to the mysteries of life, including death and the nature of existence, can help alleviate suffering and bring peace of mind. This perspective can be applied to various aspects of life, including relationships and spirituality, and recognizing that everything is both the most and least important at the same time can help us let go of the burden of trying to control or figure out the unknowable aspects of life. It's essential to understand that suffering often comes from our intentions and beliefs, rather than the actions themselves.
Grief and personal growth: Grief can be a friend and an access point to intense emotions, leading to personal growth and a deeper understanding of oneself and the world
Grief and control can coexist, and developing a relationship with our emotions, such as grief, can lead to profound personal growth. The speaker shares how grief has become a friend and an access point to intense feelings, rather than something to be avoided. This relationship allows her to remember and honor the deceased in a meaningful way, and to keep their spirit alive through memory and emotion. The process is not always easy, but it can lead to a deeper understanding of oneself and the world. The speaker also emphasizes the importance of facing and engaging with grief, rather than trying to avoid it, as a way to learn and grow.
Trains and Grief: Grief is a journey with multiple experiences, healing progresses by addressing each experience, and anger towards the deceased and longing for them are normal parts of the process.
Grief can be compared to a train carrying various cars representing different experiences of loss in one's life. The first car may represent the initial encounter with grief or the most recent one, while the rest of the cars symbolize past griefs. Some cars may have open windows, allowing air and healing, while others may still be closed. The process of healing involves working through each car, or grief experience, at one's own pace. Anger towards the departed is a normal part of the grieving process, and focusing on the missing or longing for the deceased can provide comfort. The knowledge that loved ones will miss us when we're gone is a deeply beautiful and spiritual concept. Previously compartmentalized grief can be revisited and acknowledged, providing a sense of companionship and allowing for healing.
The Essence of Grief: Grief is a profound and essential part of life, serving as a touchstone to our past experiences and deepest emotions, and it is a circle that keeps changing and morphing, not a mystery or a linear experience.
Grief is not a negative emotion to be avoided, but rather a profound and essential part of life. It serves as a touchstone to our past experiences, our deepest emotions, and our connection to ourselves and to those we have lost. The speaker describes grief as a friend that stays close, always wanting to delve deep into the bone, even when we long for lighter conversation. While it may be an ache that brings both love and pain, beauty and ugliness, it is not a mystery or a linear experience. Instead, it is a circle that keeps changing and morphing. The speaker embraces the mystery of grief and believes that there is so much we don't know and that life is both beautiful and not important at all. Through her journey with grief, she has come to understand that it is a vital part of her consciousness and that she can sustain a life with it, not just joy and happiness.
Embracing uncertainty: Accepting the unknown and 'I don't know' can lead to joy and living fully, while fear of death and constant knowledge seeking adds unnecessary burden
Acceptance of the unknown, represented by the concept of "I don't know," is essential for living fully and peacefully. The speaker learned that fear of death is actually fear of losing life because she loves living. Death is a natural part of life, and trying to avoid it by seeking constant knowledge and certainty only adds unnecessary burden. The speaker's vision of herself as a little girl celebrating "I don't know" resulted in an explosion of joy from the universe. By embracing uncertainty, we can let go of the need to know everything, breathe a little easier, and truly live. This message is a powerful reminder that sometimes the most beautiful and transformative truths are those we don't have all figured out yet. If you enjoyed this episode of "We Can Do Hard Things," please consider following or subscribing, giving a five-star rating and review, and sharing an episode with a friend. Produced by Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, Amanda Doyle, Jenna Wise-Burman, Lauren Lograsso, Allison Schott, and Bill Schultz.