Episode 216: Artin's Mom

From the first minutes of listening to this week's podcast, you will feel an overwhelming sense of caring and compassion. While in middle school, Marisol's son, Daniel, went on a church trip to Niagra Falls and fell in love. Now, you might think that he fell in love with the beautiful waterfall, but it was the people who impacted Daniel. He saw that beyond tourism, there were people who were truly in need. Daniel felt a strong desire to help.

While in high school, Daniel knew he wanted to leave his home state of Maryland and move to western New York to become a doctor. He found a program at Canisius College that offered a program for college and early acceptance to medical school. He was thriving in school until tragedy hit. Daniel was found to have a large cancerous mass in his chest. As soon as Marisol and her husband got off the plane and arrived at that hospital in Buffalo, they were welcomed. They were offered food as well as places to stay. They even had someone offer his apartment for a shower. The caring people of Buffalo simply blew them away.

After his diagnosis, Daniel decided to stay and undergo treatment in his new western New York community. He told his family that he wanted to stay there because someday these same doctors would be his teachers in medical school. The care from these people was unlike anything Marisol ever experienced. They never left their side. After Daniel died, Canisius College planned a mass for Daniel. Marisol was asked by the priest, "How many people do you think will come?" Marisol quickly answered, "No more than twenty." Marisol again underestimated this loving community. The church was packed with hundreds of people.

I was so struck by the tremendous love and compassion in Marisol's voice as I spoke with her. She said that she wanted to do this episode to honor not only Daniel, but also the people of Canisius College, Roswell Cancer Center, and all of the people of Buffalo, New York. I am sure that if you asked each one of those people about what they did, however, they would be quick to point back to the amazing loving spirit of young Daniel himself.

Rituals. Different cultures have rituals for various life events. There are beautiful, lavish rituals associated with marriage and births. In Latin American culture, a girl's 15th birthday, her quinceañera, is celebrated as her social debut as a young woman. Rituals abound in many aspects of life, but some of the most powerful rituals are those surrounding death.

I have heard many stories of funerals and celebrations of life after the deaths of children all over the world. Some are small and private and others are big and public. We do what feels right to us in the moment following our culture. For our family, we had a funeral only 5 days after Andy's death. I wanted a funeral service that honored Andy, one that showed what an amazing kid he was. I wanted it to be full of music which was such a huge part of Andy's life, and (in a request only Andy would understand) if there was going to be cake, it needed to be lemon.

Today's guest, Geeti, has experienced some amazing rituals after her son's death. Geeti's son, Ruben, was truly a global citizen, identifying with many cultures in his 21 years. He was born to a Swedish mother and lived his first 8 years in New Zealand before the family moved to Australia. After he was killed just over two years ago in a motorbike accident, Ruben's friends all came and surrounded the family with rituals.

He had friends of the New Zealand native Māori culture who showed their cultural norms. The family took Ruben's body home, danced in the rain, tore their clothes, and cried out in lament. They covered a cardboard coffin in artwork, placed his body there, and took him to the beach before he went to the crematorium. A few months later, to honor Ruben's 22nd birthday, Ruben's family and friends went out to the Australian bush and performed amazing rituals in Ruben's memory according to the native Australian culture. (You will find the story of the white feather especially powerful.) Even more recently, the family went back to Geeti's native Sweden and had a gathering to honor Ruben there as well. Each one of these ceremonies has brought Geeti just a little bit of peace and shows us just how healing rituals can be.

As the new year began, I was asked a question. 'What is your goal for the podcast this year?' I thought for a minute and then answered, 'I want to help create more of a community of grievers.' I know that many people tune in to listen to me each week, but I want more than that. I want people to feel that they are an essential part of the Always Andy's Mom community. I want people to feel less alone in their grief. On this week's Livestream podcast, Gwen and I discuss the blessings of finding a community of grievers to support you during grief.

We posed questions to listeners to think about before tuning in this week. How did you find your community? How does your community of grievers help you? What do you look for in a grieving community? I love the responses that listeners gave. Some people turned to family. Others found other grieving parents in their local communities. It actually surprised me just how many people listed that this podcast helped them feel a sense of community. (It gave me a little encouragement that perhaps I am already doing a little better in this area than I previously thought.) There was some sadness in the responses as well. Some felt as if they were not part of a grieving community at all.

Grieving the loss of your child, no matter what the age or circumstances, is an extremely isolating and horrible experience. I have learned over these last 5 years, however, that when I surround myself with a loving community of other grieving parents, I feel less isolated and that makes the journey a little less horrible as well. My hope for this podcast episode is that you can feel encouraged that there is a community out there for you. You may not have found it yet, but it is there. There are loving people whose calling is to support the bereaved. If you can't find anything in your local community, know that you can start right here with me on the Always Andy's Mom podcast (andysmom.com) or with Gwen (grief-guide.com). Let us give you the love and support you need and deserve. 

Grief first entered Danielle's life when her dad was killed in a car accident when she was home from college for Easter. She had never experienced grief and said she felt paralyzed. Danielle went on and met and married her husband. When they decided to start a family, grief entered Danielle's life again when she suffered numerous miscarriages. She said it was a horrible and tumultuous time, but then Danielle and her husband had their daughter, Emily, followed 15 months later by their son, Blake.

Grief seemed to have retreated for Danielle until Blake was 17 months old. Danielle remembers holding Blake as she was about to lay him down for his nap. She looked at herself in the mirror and thought, 'I am the luckiest mom in the world.' She laid Blake down for his nap and he never woke up. His heart simply stopped beating. His cause of death was listed as Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood. This time, the grief did not just feel paralyzing. It felt like the grief broke her completely, but Danielle did what she had always done and kept going. She was pregnant with her third child by then and even went on to have a fourth.

Then, four years after Blake's death, something happened. Danielle realized that even though all of her adult life had been spent in grief, she did not really know how to grieve. She had never mourned her dad, her lost babies, or even Blake. She had tried to tuck the grief away and live with the pain in isolation, but she then realized that she had to actively experience the grief. She had to learn to love herself again.

It was then that Danielle started journaling. Although difficult at first, Danielle began using journal prompts and eventually grew comfortable pouring her feelings out on paper. She sought out others on social media who had lost children so they could help support each other. She learned how precious it is to grieve with others in community. Now, eight years after Blake's death, Danielle has written her own grief journal, entitled, 'Gratitude Through Grief' (available on Amazon), and works to bring grieving parents together through her Instagram account @danielleduffeyy. 

*Be sure to tune into this week's upcoming Livestream on Facebook and Instagram as Gwen and I discuss the importance of community in grief. Write to me about how you found your community of grievers and how they have helped you along your grief journey at marcy@andysmom.com or on social media.

As you know, I primarily speak with bereaved parents on this podcast, but occasionally, a story touches me and I feel nudged to share it with you. This is most certainly the case with today's guest, Regina. My regular listeners will also notice that this week's podcast is titled differently than others. We do not list by name the sibling that Regina lost because Regina actually lost FOUR siblings at four different times, two as infants and two as young adults. She lived the grief and watched her parents grieve four different times.

Regina had been listening to the podcast for quite some time before deciding to write. She ultimately decided to share her family's story on the podcast to honor her sweet parents as well as her sister and three brothers. Their family's grief journey started just before Regina's 6th birthday and has continued for almost 50 years. She says that the grief has shaped her family. As horrific as the grief has been, Regina also knows that they have a deeper love for each other after having lived through this pain together.

You might guess that this is a podcast episode that is filled with sadness, but that would not be the case. This is an episode filled with hope and love. It is a story of a family who faced obstacle after obstacle and kept showing resilience even as more and more spaces filled in the family cemetery plot. As Regina's mom was in the final days of her life at the age of 81 this past year, she kept folding and refolding a towel, holding it close to her face. She murmured something that Regina could not hear until she drew close. Her mom was saying, "Mommy's here" over and over again. Regina knew that in her last days, her bereaved mama was again holding her lost children. Now, she is buried with her husband and four of her twelve beloved children, and Regina is comforted with the knowledge that although her parents no longer live with her here on this earth, they are with her four siblings for eternity.

***Also, listen for the most amazing moment in the history of this podcast near the end! I promise it will bring happy tears to your eyes.

When Melissa's youngest daughter, Chelsea, died of an accidental prescription drug overdose, Melissa was devastated. In an instant, her baby was gone and she did not know what to do with her life. She had never faced anything like this and felt overwhelmed. Then, only a week after Chelsea died, Melissa became the full-time caretaker of her younger brother in the end stages of liver failure.

I wondered what was going through her family's mind when Melissa took her brother in. What came to my mind was the phrase, 'time heals all wounds.' I think that Melissa and her family thought that it would be likely good for her to keep busy. Caring for her brother full-time would do just that. By keeping busy, time would go by, and Melissa would miss Chelsea less and less. Given enough time, Melissa would simply heal.

Unfortunately, that was completely wrong. Time did not heal Melissa at all. In fact, 3 1/2 years after Chelsea's death, Melissa found herself in her doctor's office explaining that she thought she was worse in her grief now than she had ever been in the early days. She ignored her grief and stuffed it in a box, and instead of shrinking in size, it had grown.

The phrase, 'time heals all wounds' is one that has irritated me over these last 5 years so I decided to look up the origin of this much-hated phrase. It turns out, however, that I (and most other people) have been misinterpreting it completely. I thought that the saying meant that "only time is needed to heal wounds" which is, of course, completely untrue. Melissa experienced this first-hand. What is meant by 'time heals all wounds' is that 'it takes time for all wounds, mental or physical, to heal and it is important to remember that recovery is a process.'

I have spent years complaining about the use of this phrase, when, in fact, I just had the wrong definition. Time is not the only thing needed to heal wounds. Hard work brings healing. A supportive community brings healing. Therapy and spirituality bring healing. There is no quick fix to grief. It is a long, painful journey. Many things are required to heal, but time is one thing that is a necessity.

As parents, it is natural to want to know what our kids are experiencing. That is probably why at the beginning of every new school year, schools will have an open house where the parents can go to their child's classrooms, meet the teachers, and see where their child will be spending each day. I know the open house is an event that I look forward to each year and have never missed.

That is one of the many horrible things about Andy dying. I no longer 'know' where Andy is. In my heart, I know he is in heaven, but what is heaven really like? Can he see us? Does he want to see us? Is time the same or different? I have to admit that I truly do not know. I was not given a chance to visit like I could visit his school classroom in years past or even like I could visit my daughter's college dorm. Sometimes, though, I allow myself to imagine what it might be like, and in today's interview with Tootie, we imagined together just what our boys might be doing.

To take a step back, Tootie's son, Kole, was an amazing kid growing up, never really giving her any trouble. As an only child of divorced parents, he adjusted well and truly lived life to the fullest each day. Tootie says that Kole never met a stranger and was always ready for the next event or celebration. Everyone just loved Kole and gravitated to his positive outlook on life. It was crushing to Tootie and so many others, when 21-year-old Kole was suddenly killed in a car accident.

As we talked, I told Tootie, that I could imagine Andy running through heaven shouting, 'Kole, Kole, Kole, Kole! Come quick! I'm so excited! My mom is going to talk to your mama! It's going to be great! Come, let's listen together!' Tootie said, that in typical Kole fashion, he would be eager to come along with this younger teen and not miss out on the excitement. We could both imagine their big grins smiling down as they watched us share.

Admittedly, I really don't know if heaven is like that or not, but it sure is amazing to imagine that it might be. Even more, it warms my grieving heart to think of Andy running through heaven each week, excitedly bringing others like Kole to listen.

When you go to Karla's website, karlahelbert.com, you will see these words - 'We all need a little help sometimes. You are not alone.' You might look and think, "Karla, I need more than a little help. My child died. I am a mess." However, Karla understands. Karla knows the mess because she lives the mess. Karla has lived with grief every day for almost 18 years when her son, Theo, died at 9 months from a brain tumor.

You may notice this interview is longer than most. I honestly think I could have talked to Karla for 3 hours and not even batted an eye. Her outlook is refreshingly honest, and talking to her just made me feel better about my grief and life. When talking to Karla about her journey, she openly says that for the first three years, she would find herself on the floor crying every single day. She said that she would think, "How is this not killing me?" And then, after no more tears would come, she would get up. "It's amazing," Karla says, "that somehow we do not die from the grief."

I have to say I've never really thought of grief like that, but Karla is right. It is 'amazing' that it does not kill us. In those first days, months, and even years of grief, I often felt like the pain was too much to bear. I couldn't even begin to count the number of times I thought to myself, 'I can't do this anymore.' Then, somehow, I would get through another day, then another month, and eventually, another year. It is amazing.

If you keep yourself open, even more amazing things can happen as well. After Theo died, Karla never would have guessed what she would become. Karla went back to her job counseling kids with autism at school, but small opportunities kept coming and ever so slowly her life changed to what it is today. Now, Karla is a therapist working almost exclusively with people who have experienced traumatic grief, has published multiple books, and even has a  new virtual workshop for bereaved parents starting next week. Amazing.

Thank you, Karla, for all you do and for reminding me that a little help can make us feel less alone on this excruciating, messy, but nonetheless amazing, grief journey.